Uncle Vlads Counselling Helpline

[Vlad]

It has come to my attention , that a lot of people who use this forum have "issues" we all have periods in our life when we need a shoulder to cry on , or a kind word to help us through a dark period , and I my friends am going to attempt to be that shoulder.

just dont expect any sympathy.... you assholes ...get a grip.

I will of course take the pish mercillesly , and i am trying to get a panel of "experts"  ( Dex and Scallywag) together to aid me in my counselling

so please feel free to send in those problems , obviously the more outrageous and made up the better.

An example  for you ...

For the married blokes on here..
Ask her if she's gaining weight....That way she'll know you are paying  attention to her.
Follow me more relationships advice.

Uncle Vlad



September 13, 2024, 01:26:04 PM


Golly! That was quick....i have just had a pm from a member ( name withheld) which goes like this...
 
Dear Uncle Vlad
friends of ours have recently had a bouncing baby boy. I have been asked to stand as Godfather  to the little oik. The thing is.. he really is an ugly little bugger. Most babies look a bit like Churchill (I think this is cos we won the war) but this thing is Gollum with cross eyes. Should I accept and then be lumbered with having to adopt the gargoyle should his parents be tragically killed or refuse on the grounds that he will ruin the photos. As a second point he looks nothing like my friend his missus insists that the baby was 5 weeks early but by my ready reckoner if he was on time then his dad was abroad  at the time of the conception. Should I bring this up at dinner?

Well readers what would you do?

[klondike]

Dear Vlad

I feel that I am in need of some time off from my job of being a cantankerous pensioner. I've been at it now for close on 13 years without even a day off. It's 24x7x365 which makes the hourly rate way way down on minimum wage. Is it asking too much for 2 weeks off on an 18-30 holiday? Anywhere in that age range would do but I think I'd prefer to be in my early 20s

Thanks in advance

[Vlad]

It's Uncle Vlad to you....
And the short answer is NO
and the second answer is ' you volunteered for the job...suck it up and move on.

Next?

[dextrous63]

May I interject about the worrying body statistics Klondike has. 24-7-365 is possibly on the "strange freak body shape" scale.

September 13, 2024, 02:02:25 PM
As for the "potential Godfather seeking advice" query, I would first of all make sure that you have finished your meal and drink as much of their booze first, order a taxi and mention your observation as you leave.

[Vlad]

That told him Dex, you have an 'ology in counselling right?

[dextrous63]

Well Vlad, I did actually do a course on counselling during teacher training.  I learned precisely nothing due to my being unwilling to listen, yet alone follow any advice.

Naturally, I passed with flying colours😬😬

[Vlad]

Well Vlad, I did actually do a course on counselling during teacher training.  I learned precisely nothing due to my being unwilling to listen, yet alone follow any advice.

Naturally, I passed with flying colours😬😬

Anyone with such outstanding qualifications like wot you got will be an asset to the Team Vlad Counselling Service, welcome aboard sailor

[dextrous63]

Anyone with such outstanding qualifications like wot you got will be an asset to the Team Vlad Counselling Service, welcome aboard sailor

I see you have an interest in sailors.  Basically, this is a sexual problem.

[Vlad]

Can you give me some advice Uncle Dex? Am I an hostage to Rum, Bum and Baccy?

[dextrous63]

Can you give me some advice Uncle Dex? Am I an hostage to Rum, Bum and Baccy?

Well, basically this is a sexual problem.  The obvious Freudian slip coming from Rum(p), Bum(per collection of bottie pictures), and (Whacky a pipeful of)Backy(and) abbreviations that you were possibly not even aware of making yourself.

This is clearly exacerbated by the relentless need you have for that dog to mate with your shin.

[Vlad]

Would aspirin help?

[dextrous63]

Well, if the dog is displaying signs of a headache, you might wish to give him a small bowl of water with half a soluble aspirin in it.

[Scrumpy]

I think I have a bit of a problem and might need counselling.

It concerns the bin men.. They seem to have a crush on me. Not just one.. all of them..
They take it in turns to empty my waste bins...
I look out for them.. I can hear their motor running with excitement when it nears my house.. I frantically look around to see if there is anything else I can give them, before they disappear out of sight.. I want to make them happy.
They look in my bins to see if there is something that shouldn't be there.. When really they are hoping to see something that I have worn closely to my body..
They check my food waste.. looking for any chicken bones I might have sucked on.. or a banana that I have skinned.. and half eaten..
They do this every week because they love me..

Have I got a problem.. ? Thank you..

[klondike]

how odd. i see exactly the same behaviour with mine. i never knew they cared. i thought that one winking had just got a fly in his eye. who'd have thought it.

[Mups]

Dear Uncle Vlad.
I have a little problem and would appreciate some advice please.

The  grocery shop near me employs an elderley man to sweep the floors and empty bins.
The problem is,  whenever I go in there, he follows me about,  throwing bits of paper near me so that he can keep sweeping round my feet and chatting me up  as I walk round the shop.

He tripped me up with his broom this morning, and I landed in a box of tomatoes.
I seem to be the only person he does this to, and its most disconcerting.

I have tried ignoring him but then he just uses a wet mop instead.

Should I report him,  or just go to Sainsbury's instead?