Uncle Vlads Counselling Helpline

[JBR]

For the married blokes on here..
Ask her if she's gaining weight....That way she'll know you are paying  attention to her.
Follow me more relationships advice.

As a married bloke on here, I have to say that I find that 'advice' nothing less than irresponsible and, worse, likely to result in consequences most sensible men would do anything to avoid.

May I suggest that a much safer option would to to amend the instructions slightly:

"Ask her if she's losing a little weight".

Come on now, Vlad.  You are a married bloke.

[Vlad]

I think I have a bit of a problem and might need counselling.

It concerns the bin men.. They seem to have a crush on me. Not just one.. all of them..
They take it in turns to empty my waste bins...
I look out for them.. I can hear their motor running with excitement when it nears my house.. I frantically look around to see if there is anything else I can give them, before they disappear out of sight.. I want to make them happy.
They look in my bins to see if there is something that shouldn't be there.. When really they are hoping to see something that I have worn closely to my body..
They check my food waste.. looking for any chicken bones I might have sucked on.. or a banana that I have skinned.. and half eaten..
They do this every week because they love me..

Have I got a problem.. ? Thank you..

You dirty girl! Go to my bedroom right now!

September 13, 2024, 09:51:24 PM

Dear Uncle Vlad.
I have a little problem and would appreciate some advice please.

The  grocery shop near me employs an elderley man to sweep the floors and empty bins.
The problem is,  whenever I go in there, he follows me about,  throwing bits of paper near me so that he can keep sweeping round my feet and chatting me up  as I walk round the shop.

He tripped me up with his broom this morning, and I landed in a box of tomatoes.
I seem to be the only person he does this to, and its most disconcerting.

I have tried ignoring him but then he just uses a wet mop instead.

Should I report him,  or just go to Sainsbury's instead?

Oh my goodness, this is a very complex problem that you have Mups..I mean..wet mops broom handles and tomatoes..I think we might need to call in one experts on this....Calling Dr Dex...we have a live one here....

September 13, 2024, 09:53:19 PM

As a married bloke on here, I have to say that I find that 'advice' nothing less than irresponsible and, worse, likely to result in consequences most sensible men would do anything to avoid.

May I suggest that a much safer option would to to amend the instructions slightly:

"Ask her if she's losing a little weight".

Come on now, Vlad.  You are a married bloke.

Safer? I don't do safer mate, I once ate a cold three day old Ken Hom chicken curry..living on the edge mate

[dextrous63]

I shall respond in more detail in due course Vlad.  But basically, they are sexual problems,

[Diasi]

It has come to my attention , that a lot of people who use this forum have "issues" we all have periods in our life.

Women far more often than men.

[GrannyMac]

😉😁

[Vlad]

Dear Uncle Vlad.
I have a little problem and would appreciate some advice please.

The  grocery shop near me employs an elderley man to sweep the floors and empty bins.
The problem is,  whenever I go in there, he follows me about,  throwing bits of paper near me so that he can keep sweeping round my feet and chatting me up  as I walk round the shop.

He tripped me up with his broom this morning, and I landed in a box of tomatoes.
I seem to be the only person he does this to, and its most disconcerting.

I have tried ignoring him but then he just uses a wet mop instead.

Should I report him,  or just go to Sainsbury's instead?

Dear Mups,
Further to you plea for help, I have done a lot of research into you problem, ( the walls of cubicle 2 in the Jockeys Nostril ladies toilet are littered with advice although some messages stating what the landlord should do are anatomically impossible)
Anyway, I had missed the clues, the paper, the broom, the wet mop, the tomatoes and the handler of these implements which I should have picked up on.
This is what I have found out.....you are a reincarnation of the Egyptian Queen, Mupopheset the IV a warrior Queen of the third dynasty in Lower Egypt. (Amazing yeh?)
Anyway the gentleman who follows you around is a reincarnation of a lesser Temple priest and he subconsciously knows you, because he served you in your other life.
The scattering of paper whilst you walk through the store is in fact in his eyes and thoughts the scattering of lotus petals in your path, one of his many tasks he had serving you, the sweeping is him using a palm leave on the sands to smooth your way on the desert sands, and lastly the wet mop was to indicate that you walk on the waters of the Nile.
The constant talking is in fact a holy chant...a rough translation from Coptic to Greek and then onto Welsh so it might not be totally accurate and it goes,....'Behold Mupopheset, the IV warrior Queen, (throws paper/ lotus leaves) anointed  by Set, the fragrant one, She walks the deserts' (brushes the sand with a brush/ palm leave) 'of Ur destroying all in her path'     ( he then switches to the mop and continues ..(I think at this stage you are in Aisle 4 Canned Goods) ...' She walks upon the waters of the Nile, bringing moistness, fertility and fruitfulness' ( hence the tomatoes, I like the bit about you being fertile and moist) ' ' to the land' All hail'

I hope this helps with your problem my advice is to shop at Sainsbury before he starts lopping of the heads of Jewish Children as an offering to you at the checkout.
Dont thank me, this is a free service but a pint wouldn't go amiss.

[Mups]

Dear Uncle Vlad -  I don't know what to say, I am stunned by your answer and I think you are spot on.

I've had the strangest reoccuring dream for a long while now,  where I am being taught by a Scribes,  who were very strict.

Sitting either side of me during these lessons were -   on my left someone who's name was Tutankhamum,  a very serious lad,  and on my right,  a very pretty looking maiden by the name of Nefertiti.     I remember as Nefertiti grew up,  she was so stunning that warriers would fall at her feet and worship the ground she  walked on.

I have always dismissed these dreams until now,  but I will take them more seriously in future.

As for that cleaning man in the Co-op,  if his wet mop represents the waters of the Nile,  I sincerely hope there are no Crocodiles in his bucket as that would be going a tad too far don't you think?

I shall no doubt see him again shortly when I pop in for a pint of milk and a pork pie,  so I will just  smile graciously when he throws the bits of paper down and follows me around.

I cannot thank you enough for your knowledge and wisdom Uncle Vlad.   There will be a Monkey and a Gazelle in your Christmas crackers this year - there isn't room for a Camel as well.

In the meantime,   enjoy a pint on me. 

[dextrous63]

May I offer further advice Mups? 

Next time you are out and see a couple of chaps wearing white coats approaching you with a syringe, walk towards them and see what they want.

[Mups]

May I offer further advice Mups?



Next time you are out and see a couple of chaps wearing white coats approaching you with a syringe, walk towards them and see what they want.

In a word -  No.     

[Vlad]

In a word -  No.     

I apologise for the response from my assistant Dex, he is still on probation and hasn't quite got the hang of this business. This government funded YTS schemes don't work very well for the elderly, they can't keep Mups.

[Mups]

I apologise for the response from my assistant Dex, he is still on probation and hasn't quite got the hang of this business. This government funded YTS schemes don't work very well for the elderly, they can't keep Mups.

Thank you Sir.

Perhaps a word in the right ears will promote him to car park duties.   

He upset another lady I know too.   When she dropped her handbag and everything fell out,  apparently he rushed forward and picked everything up for her -  and then made off with it!   

[dextrous63]

These fantasies from the more, er, elderly participants on this thread indicate to me that there are sexual problems in abundance.

[Mups]

These fantasies from the more, er, elderly participants on this thread indicate to me that there are sexual problems in abundance.

I thought it was only men who had those?  

[Vlad]

These fantasies from the more, er, elderly participants on this thread indicate to me that there are sexual problems in abundance.

Tell me about it...the prices some ladies are asking are bloody ridiculous

[Scrumpy]

You dirty girl! Go to my bedroom right now!

Dear Uncle Vlad    FEEDBACK

Thank you for your therapy and counselling last night.

However , I was promised a two hour session and was very disappointed when, after 5 mins you were not in a position to carry on..

Your fee of 10/6 will not be paid on this occasion...
I have given you a * star for making me laugh..