The Jockeys Nostril

[Scrumpy]

Testing... testing... It was not a rod... Panic over..

[dextrous63]

I am indeed flush with cash.   I had a tip from my mate (no names mentioned, but his initials are the 18th and19th letters of the alphabet) about the date that something is going to happen.  Got good odds, and BetFred has coughed the dosh.

[Vlad]

 A statement by Alan D Lord
 CEO of Vlad Enterprises, an  equal opportunity employer.

 Friends, Romans and Country men, lend me you money I can't spend your ears! (Wasn't that a line from a Carry on Film?)
 
 I have been asked to speak to you by Chief Inspector Sprocket on  a subject which many of you  will know to be of the very highest importance to the very survival of this pub  we love so well.
 
 I am here to tell you of a threat-an insidious poison which is eating at the  at the very fabric of our society like a flesh-eating, poisonous thingie. A threat , which will strike terror into you very soul  This is a threat more deadly than Al Qaeda, more evil than an Iranian Ayatollah, more mendacious than the French and more cynically self-serving than a an ex MP claiming Parliamentary Privilege  I speak, my friends, of the sin of Gnome Owning and Snails! (shock and horror from the audience)
 
 I can understand your shock. I know you all have gnomes and snails  in your street, perhaps even in your own gardens—friendly little fellows with wheelbarrows full of plants cradling quaint fishing rods in their gnarled hands. , snails that leave slime trail on your path and that pleasant crunching noise when you step on them,
 
 
 
 How can this  threaten us?' I hear you ask. And I answer, God bless you. You are the punters that I love—the people I am proud to pull a pint for  and honoured to serve. Your tolerance of the gnome and snail in our midst is, at the same time, the defining virtue of the British character and our greatest weakness. I say yes, embrace the lonely stranger, the weak and the oppressed. Feel in his pockets, see if he is worth turning over for a few bob. But I say also take care he is not a snake in the nest or a cuckoo in the woodpile. (what?)
 How many snails are there? Do you know? I have discovered there are already  twenty two snails for every man woman and child in England. Where are they all? You ask. Brothers and sisters—they are all around us! In every garden, by every lettuce patch, watching and waiting with their little slimy eyes
 (Cries of 'lynch the evil buggers, from a man in a Beige Cardigan  at  the rear of the snug)
Do not be fooled by the lefties who want nothing better than for all of us to keep a snail in our home whilst they hold evil and un British Acts with The Egg that THEY HAVE STOLEN!!!. The Egg is being  subjected to the most appalling depravities during which every conceivable perverted act is perpetrated upon his niceness, this talk of snails and gnomes is a distraction designed to distract us from finding and returning the Egg to the bosom of his family behind the bar of the Jockeys Nostril
 
So I say to enough chitter chatter about Snails and rosy cheeked Gnomes with fishing rods, lets us concentrate on the Return of The Egg, I say unto you, lets us send a cry forward out into this land of ours ' Cry Haddock and release the Cods of War, send for the rozzers
 
 
Crowd erupts into angry shouts, a Snail like effigy is spontaneously produced from a large holdall with some 'well fancy finding that here' petrol. The effigy is burnt, someone spills petrol on his foot; there is a lot of running about and general panic.
 
 Alan D Lord continues,
 
 I beg you, brothers and sisters and the undecided, not to take the law into your own hands. These simple measures are enough. There will be no need for you to use the pile of baseball bats behind the bar to go on a wild rampage destroying gnomes and snail in revenge for the sufferings of the Last of the 7 Eggs of Destiny.  Show these Snails good British tolerance one more time. Stop in the pub on the way home, have eight pints of 'Olde Wifebeater' and talk about this  threat . Then, if you still feel like kicking the crap out of them—well try not to get caught.
 Good night posters of the forum. God bless you. God bless the King.
 Thank you.
 
 ( a roar of applause and excited hand clapping erupts from a guy in a beige cardigan in the third row)
 
 
           

[Mups]

A rousing speech I must say, Landlord.  However,  I must warn you . .  keep a close eye on your large lager.   

The man in the beige cardigan  sellotaped  2 straws together, and is dipping them into your glass when you're not looking.
He's sucked up half a pint already. 

[Vlad]

He did what?

The great bard himself Shakespeare would be in awe of your word play Mups 🤣🤣

July 03, 2024, 08:34:50 AM
Edit.
Sorry I thought you wrote off. 

[Scrumpy]

Beware of the little man in the beige cardigan.. When he flashed at Dolly outside of the 'Don't Come Inn' last night she said he was fishing for something..

[klondike]

more mendacious than the French

I say old boy that's strong language indeed.

[Mups]

Beware of the little man in the beige cardigan.. When he flashed at Dolly outside of the 'Don't Come Inn' last night she said he was fishing for something..

Thanks for the warning, Scrumpy.
I'll make sure I carry my nut-crackers in my back pocket. 

[Vlad]

Old people wear beige...why?

July 03, 2024, 09:53:19 AM

I say old boy that's strong language indeed.

Indeed, I read it on a toilet wall. 😀

[GrannyMac]

Beware of the little man in the beige cardigan.. When he flashed at Dolly outside of the 'Don't Come Inn' last night she said he was fishing for something..

I always picture Brian as a little man in a beige cardie.. could he be looking for some forum faithfuls from t'other side?  Or perhaps he mistook the JN for a Wetherspoons. 

[Scrumpy]

Nah!!  I see him as tall.. He needs to be tall to see what is going on.. Glasses.. extra thick lens.. and carries a pencil and note book..

[Vlad]

Nah!!  I see him as tall.. He needs to be tall to see what is going on.. Glasses.. extra thick lens.. and carries a pencil and note book..

And owns an electric foot muff...The very word 'beige' is obscene; being impossible to pronounce except with a mild French accent. I even believe it means "the colour of the liquid that oozes out of the small intestine." 

[klondike]

Old people wear beige...why?

Matches most of the mushed up stuff they get fed and dribble down themselves. Saves on washing.

[Mups]

What a quiet lunchtime in the bar.    No one playing pool,  no one at the dart board . . .

I asked one the man in the beige cardi  what the difference was between snooker and pool,  and do you know what he said?
He informed me that snooker players have smaller balls and pockets than pool players.

You learn something new every day here. 

Oh well,  I'm off to see if those barrels have been changed before we open tonight.  That lager was a funny colour lunchtime. 

[Scrumpy]

The  FREE BEER TOMORROW  sign has just gone up..