A Ripping Yarn.

[Scrumpy]

Alex.. Vote for me and I'll vote for you.. Promise..

[Vlad]

We take you inside..

And so, with the guests seated, the lights dimmed and the tables practically overflowing with complimentary peanuts and sausages on sticks it was time for the show to begin.
The awards kicked off in style with a big dance number, featuring twenty-five students from the local experimental theatre company performing a rumba to the Village People's YMCA - supposedly depicting the betrayal of Russian Cossacks following the Second World War. They exited  the stage to a peel of riotous applause from one man in a beige cardigan sitting in the third row.

The curtain opens ....

A single spot illuminates the stage...
The Immaculately dressed Alan D Lord (getit?) CEO of the vast Vlad Enterprises Inc stands behind the lectern and speaks ....

'Ladies and Gentlemen, your Royal Highness, honoured guests and  nominees Welcome, 
It's a sad fact that all too often genuine ability and aptitude goes unrecognised and unrewarded. There is a vast pool of talent out there that has never been tapped, and never will be.
Great pint pullers whose pints of cheap lager will never see the lips of a dedicated drinker, Sous chefs whose egg banjos will never drip onto a brand new pullover, travel organisers that will never fill a  bus for Barry Island.
That this situation persists is only right and proper.

These people are losers who should be actively scorned or, at the very least, entirely disregarded.Instead, it behoves us all to celebrate the achievers. Those people whose faces regularly adorn the  Boring Thread in the Chat Forum, and whose exploits fill the toilet walls downstairs and whose fascinating personal services and prices  are advertised for the benefit of we mere mortals on the Snug notice board.

And who could be more worthy of our admiration than those who have achieved fame, fortune and notoriety without having to perfect their art, struggle for recognition or develop any kind of talent? Yes, I give you the entertainers, the players in yet another forum epic. A RIPPING YARN
And the nominees for the Vlad Grand Achievement Awards for Achieving very little  are....
In the Best Landlord category

Vlad

In the
Best Actor category
Klondike for his role as Biggles
Phil and his toolbox

In the
Best female Actor category we have
Alex as Bilibong Didgeridoo the Australian pilot
Scrumpy as Baroness Scrumpy Pinkenstein Von Strangelholder, A German pilot

Best Chariot Driver...
Granny 'Shortfall' Mac
And a load of other chariot drivers

Best Foreign Actor
JBR South African Air Force
A Penguin

Best Sound Effects
A Black Lab

Best Wardrobe malfunction...
Scrumpy for buying the Cheapest Bust Enhancers on Amazon Prime

Best Music Score
Los Amigos Mexican Band

Best Walkon Part
Dextorious as a dog handler
...............
and the winner of the Best Landlord is....
slowly opens envelope, smiles...waits the obligatory 15 seconds then announces.....
VLAD! ....who played himself in The Ripping Yarn

The audience erupts with cheers and whoops ..The camera follows  Vlad down the aisle, resplendent in the white ceremonial uniform of the 1st Battalion Princess Patricia's Herbaceous Borderers.

Upon reaching the podium he bows, waves and fist bumps  the air. Then, struggling in between sobs and wails, he gushes that he didn't really deserve such an honour, and went on to thank his  close family of stylists, make-up people and hairdressers and Vlad Entertainment .
Finally, in serious, measured, sincere tones he spoke of his gratitude to us, the ordinary people, and told us that we were all very special, even though we weren't famous or anything.

Then, with a tiny tear glistening in the corner of his eye, he issued a final, humble, 'thank you', then clutching the resin Vlad statuette he stepped back from the microphone to receive our admiration.
The audience rose to its feet once more, and by this time our eyes were glistening too. It had been the perfect choice. For our part we were incredibly proud and felt that awarding Vlad best Landlord  we had, in some small way, paid tribute to this wonderful person who has enriched our lives.
For one brief moment we had become part of his world. We ordinary folk - who work from 9 to 5, who pay our mortgages, who struggle with bills and taxes and  arthritis,  and whose only hope of ever distinguishing ourselves in life is by dying young - had, for one brief moment in time, touched the stars. Who could ask for more?
 

[GrannyMac]

Who indeed!

Some of your ramblings script have had me laughing out loud! 🤣 I'm please to accept my cheapskate plastic award, which I shall share with my fellow charioteers, brave fellows one and all. 

Bows, scrapes, waves 👋 and blows kisses xx to her fan.

[Scrumpy]

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you mum and dad who found it difficult to get rid of me.
Thank you to my better half who went to buy some milk two years ago..
A special thank you to my beautiful cat Travels who moved in with the people two doors down because they gave her caviar .

I would like to thank Tracey round the Co-op for automatically opening the doors when I approach them.
She knows her place..

I love all you ordinary people.. and will pray for you tonight.

[Vlad]

I thought you two were still at the bar, Alan D Lord didn't even get to announce the  winners in each category....
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤬🤬

June 08, 2024, 04:19:49 PM

Who indeed!

Some of your ramblings script have had me laughing out loud! 🤣 I'm please to accept my cheapskate plastic award, which I shall share with my fellow charioteers, brave fellows on and all.

Bows, scrapes, waves 👋 and blows kisses xx to her fan.

I got the awards from Temu,they were doing a discount on bulk orders. 😅 PS Grannymac, what are you like at interior design? I have a cunning plan.....

[GrannyMac]

Interior design? Love it.  What genre do you fancy?

[Vlad]

Interior design? Love it.  What genre do you fancy?

The Jockeys Nostril has fallen into disrepair, I want to resurrect it, are you up for a challenge?

[GrannyMac]

Scrumpy's your gal I think. She paints fences and stuff. I'm terminally lazy, but I can pick a few colours if you like. 😂

[klondike]

I'd recommend Scrumpy too. She probably has a lot of the fixings left over from her shed construction too (blamed on bad advice I expect) 

[Scrumpy]

I have many screws... 

[Alex]

Gotta be Scrumps, she can be at the Jockeys Nostril before 7am
Go girl 😀

[klondike]

It's gonna get painted for sure.

[Vlad]

I have many screws...

Have you read 50 Sheds of Grey Scrumps?


Anyway standby to standby ...

[klondike]

[Alex]

   😎