Directive to USA...enjoy!

[Ruthio]

Subject: USA - independence revoked
From: Subjects of the United Kingdom
To: The citizens of the United States of America
Cc: United Nations

In the light of your recent failure to elect a capable President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today

His Sovereign Majesty King Charles  111  will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which he does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (Sir Keir Starmer for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid to the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as Pittsberg if you can cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and ineffective form of communication. Look up interspersed

There will be no more bleeps in the Jerry Springer show.
If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter  "s" and the elimination of "ize".

You should learn to distinguish between English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become Shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as the good guys.

You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The King, but only after carrying out task one. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

You will no longer be allowed to play American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. Instead you should play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is not a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full body armour like nancies).

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls game called rounders which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

The fourth of July is no longer a public holiday. The second of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called Indecisive Day

All American cars are hereby banned. It is for your own good. When we show you British  Cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager.  Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "lager". The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnats Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as near "Near-Frozen Gnats Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion

The UK will harmonise petrol (or gasoline as you will be permitted to keep calling it) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices - get used to it.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun

Tax collectors from His Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776)

Thank you for your co-operation

[Michael Rolls]

love it!

[Raven]

Oh crikey. 

[Scrumpy]

  If we could turn back time...

[Alex]

There's a song there somewhere.....

[klondike]

[JBR]

Ruth, that is an excellent, accurate and very amusing post.
I was so impressed that I decided that I might send a copy to my relatives 'States-side' in New England which, in fact, could be the future name for the whole of what is now called the USA.

Or, upon reflection, perhaps not.