The Jockeys Nostril

[Mups]

He got the key to the door last week.. He's not sure which door it is yet..  He is trying all possibilities..
  It sounds so exciting.. 

I think we should have gone with him to  keep an eye on him. 

[klondike]

He's been keeping rather quiet today. All that nocturnal activity the other night must have caught up.

[Mups]

He's been keeping rather quiet today. All that nocturnal activity the other night must have caught up.

It's either that,  or his Man Flu has worsened.   

If you sit on him and hold him down,  I will rub some Vic on his chest. 

[klondike]

Could be but how he presented the tale I thought he had a slight cold and was presenting it in an amusing way. It could of course be worse than I took it or turned worse in which case I hope he soon gets better.

I won't be trying to hold a trained military man down. He may become delerious and do me a mischief. Worse still he may think we are trying to deprive him of his floosie.

I must have had nightmares about this for as I awoke an even worse situation occurred to me. In his delerious state the poor fellow may think that I am his flooseie

[Scrumpy]

I must have had nightmares about this for as I awoke an even worse situation occurred to me. In his delerious state the poor fellow may think that I am his flooseie

Dream on....

[Vlad]

It's either that,  or his Man Flu has worsened. 

If you sit on him and hold him down,  I will rub some Vic on his chest. 

I am feeling much better thank you for the cards and flowers, I was at deaths door for a period of time, but I rallied, no, my Barbour jacket will not fit you ok?

February 15, 2025, 10:11:21 AM
Fat Kev part 2

Hello!" I shout inside. "Anyone home?"
A sudden movement makes me start. I hadn't noticed before, but all this time there has been a man standing beside a broken drainpipe, pissing up the side of the house. He finishes what he's doing, looks at me and with a nod and a guarded mumble of 'awight', zips himself up and leaves. I never saw him again.
"Hello!" I shout once more, louder this time. There is no reply, but I can hear noises coming from within, so I step inside. It is dark and oppressive within the dwelling, and I take a moment to acclimatise myself to the gloom. I am in a short, cluttered hallway. To my right is a large stack of boxes, some containing irons, some toasters, others with kettles, DVD players and various other appliances. Foraging for electrical items is common practice in this neighbourhood, and the goods are often used for the purposes of barter. This family appear to have amassed quite a haul, possibly from a badly secured warehouse or a broken down lorry, and as a result they are probably occupying a position of high standing within the community.
To my left, on a peeling Formica shelf above the radiator, there are further symbols of status: dozens of little plastic toys that have been given away with McDonalds Happy Meals. Such items are highly prized, and the way they are carefully arranged by the front door is intended to fill visitors with a sense of wonder and reverence
Noises are coming from an open doorway, just up on the left. I move forward, picking my way cautiously over the abandoned shoes and discarded junk mail strewn liberally over the floor, until a powerful and heady aroma almost stops me in my tracks. It's a piquant fusion of stale sweat, cooking fat and rising damp, with just the merest suggestion of urine. It's enough to bring tears to the eyes of the hardiest of men, but in the interests of science I press on, breathing through my mouth as much as possible and trying not to cry.

[Scrumpy]

February 15, 2025, 10:11:21 AM
Fat Kev part 2

 I am in a short, cluttered hallway. To my right is a large stack of boxes, some containing irons, some toasters, others with kettles, DVD players and various other appliances. Foraging for electrical items is common practice in this neighbourhood, and the goods are often used for the purposes of barter. 

Ahhh!!!!... EVRI and AMAZON delivered to the wrong address... again .. !!!

[JBR]

Ahhh!!!!... EVRI and AMAZON delivered to the wrong address... again .. !!!

Just to put things straight, I use Amazon a lot and they are almost always reliable and efficient.
Of course, that depends upon their couriers.
Most are reliable, but one or two specific couriers, especially 'Evri', previously known as 'Hermes' or in a derogatory fashion by me as 'Herpes', are often reliably unreliable (if you'll pardon the expression).

[Vlad]

Upon reaching the main living area the smell is even stronger, turning the very air into a fuggy haze through which it is barely possible to see. The walls are yellow with nicotine. The carpet is sticky underfoot. Discarded plates and takeaway boxes litter the floor, the crusty remains of ancient dinners crawling with mould and bugs. Damp and dirty clothing is draped over every surface. And there, at the focal point of the room sits the matriarch, Mrs Foster, in a huge brown armchair, which after many years of nesting is now perfectly shaped to her ample behind. Actually, 'ample' doesn't really do it justice. 
Many, many years of tireless devotion to pies and pasties have turned her arse into a mighty edifice. Gloriously upholstered in yellow Lycra, stretched so tight that through it you can read the washing instructions on her knickers, her backside presents a challenge to tempt the most resolute of mountaineers. Indeed, many a bold adventurer may well have perished in that crevasse.
To complete this portrait of elegance, she wears a skimpy, sleeveless top, rolled over countless folds of blubber, exposing fat and stubby pink arms, each one as thick as a normal man's thigh. When she reaches up it is possible to observe great loops of skin hanging from beneath them. This is a common feature amongst her kind. It has been suggested that these may be rudimentary wings, capable of carrying her short distances - for example, to the off licence and back - but it's hard to imagine her ever getting airborne, no matter how hard she flaps.
Beside her, sprawled on a sofa, is her daughter, Britney. She's smaller than Mrs Foster - but it's really only a matter of time. She's wearing baggy jeans and a white t-shirt, on which she is proudly exhibiting the remnants of some of the meals she has eaten in recent weeks. Worryingly, she seems to be entirely dependent on the mobile phone, as one is permanently clamped to her ear. Currently she is talking to someone called 'Trisha', although whether Trisha is managing to say anything in reply is a matter for conjecture, since it would appear that Miss Foster is conducting the conversation single handed, remaining reluctant to leave a gap large enough for anyone else to get a word in edgewise. I notice that she doesn't even pause to inhale, which suggests that she may have developed some sort of blowhole for breathing purposes.
These are not the only two in the room. Britney has offspring of her own, and these are scattered about the abode in buggies, baskets and blankets, belching and shitting themselves at leisure. I lose count of how many there are, but there is an impressive variety of ages, sizes and colours, suggesting that Miss Foster is popular with much of the local male population. The latest addition to her brood is a small pig-like creature that is currently nuzzled up beside her on the sofa, feeding on gravy from its mother's breast.

[klondike]

I'm sure I saw them on Gogglebox a while ago.   

Quite a while actually as I haven't watched that since dumping my TV licence which I think in the good old days would cost me nowt now I am officially geriatric.

[Vlad]

You and me both...licence that is, when my licence ran out back in March last year I told them I no longer watch live tv, they still pestered me though, red letters then they told me I had logged into BBC IPLAYER which I hadn't then they sent a goon to my door then finally they sent another letter saying basically ok but  they might be in touch again...

[Mups]

Perhaps one day, someone might be interested in turning fat Kev's adventures on the council estate into a film, do ya reckon? 

[Vlad]

Starring Tom Cruise as Fat Kev?

[klondike]

Need to decide who's best in a vest...

[Scrumpy]

The string vest does it for me.. Could we have some nipples please.. ?