The Jockeys Nostril

[Vlad]

                        Jockeys Nostril Notice Board

Upcoming Events June 2024.

The Ashram in the Snug meeting.
Further to the problem with import licenses for cows from India.
The dress code for those attending the Ashram was yellow or Saffron cloaks, tinkly bells, optional bald head and a cow.
The  Ascended Master Ching Rampoche  will permit disciples  to bring an hamster in lieu of a cow. In a previous life the Buddha was an hamster prior to being eaten by  Freddie Starr live on daytime tv, so a Hamster is Holy and permitted.
Thank you .


June 24, 2024, 12:15:58 PM

Well,  let's put it this way.. He did phone and ask if he could empty my bin..
But... only on a Thursday..

Ahh there you are, duty cleaning lady, thank you for popping in ....have you see the toilets? Specifically the Ladies ( and I use that word very loosely) toilet? For a start the statements on the walls about me and telling me what to do is anatomically impossible, although the drawing by Mups depicting my love muscle including the mole was quite accurate.
Interesting aside....Henry VIII had a mole surgically removed from his penis and was heard to say, "I won't be bonking one of them again" 
Anyway can you whisk your feather duster over the place, it's beginning to smell a bit ripe in there. 

[Scrumpy]

I'm flicking... already.... Ooop's.. flicked a bit too hard there.. I'm off home... not my problem..

[klondike]

Will I still talk posh though ?

I didn't used to til I got my new teeth. Some posh bloke fallen on hard times wanted the cash to put up as deposit on a pub apparently.

[Vlad]

I didn't used to til I got my new teeth. Some posh bloke fallen on hard times wanted the cash to put up as deposit on a pub apparently.

Yes, they were hard times in Coketown when I was down on my uppers...

All that I want
Is to wake up fine
Tell me that I'm alright
That I ain't gonna die
All that I want
Is a hole in the ground
You can tell me when it's alright
For me to come out
gonna make you wonder why you even try
(Hard times) gonna take you down and laugh when you cry
(These lives) and I still don't know how I even survive
(Hard times)
(Hard times)
And I gotta get to rock bottom

Your kind contribution was noted and will be rewarded with a seat on the board of Vlad Enterprises Inc. 
btw while you are here, are you buying?

[klondike]

Doubles all round. On the tab of course. I rely on you to pick the correct one.

[Vlad]

Doubles all round. On the tab of course. I rely on you to pick the correct one.

Thank you I am sure Granny Mac won't mind, I will have to get Mups our head of Security to pop around to her gaff and have a word about her arrears. Fear not young Sir a position commiserate  with your skills, knowledge and experience will be found or invented to suit you.

[dextrous63]

Was wondering where Cass is.  Thought he might like this..

[Vlad]

🤣🤣

[klondike]

[Mups]

Thank you I am sure Granny Mac won't mind, I will have to get Mups our head of Security to pop around to her gaff and have a word about her arrears. Fear not young Sir a position commiserate  with your skills, knowledge and experience will be found or invented to suit you.

I popped round to see GrannyMac,  and she assured me she is more than happy to pay the Landlord's tab. 
 The wallet she found in the car park  (with a gold initial  'K'  on the front)  is stuffed solid with £20 notes,  so the tab will be settled tomorrow,  no problem.   


So don't believe Klondike when he pleads poverty everytime its his round,  he's rolling in it - well he WAS.

[Vlad]

I popped round to see GrannyMac,  and she assured me she is more than happy to pay the Landlord's tab. 
 The wallet she found in the car park  (with a gold initial  'K'  on the front)  is stuffed solid with £20 notes,  so the tab will be settled tomorrow,  no problem. 


So don't believe Klondike when he pleads poverty everytime its his round,  he's rolling in it - well he WAS.

Out bloody Standing..well done Mups, there will be a promotion for you shortly, how does Manager & Head of all things Awesome sound? It will still involve slapping people around but  it will look good on your CV 

[Mups]

Out bloody Standing..well done Mups, there will be a promotion for you shortly, how does Manager & Head of all things Awesome sound? It will still involve slapping people around but  it will look good on your CV

Well thank you Sir.    
I take it there will be a rise to go with the new job though,  as the £1 an hour I have been getting won't  even feed me budgie these days.  Mind you,  the 'perks'  are fun.  

As for involving 'slapping people around',   many a time it has been said what a good old slapper I am.     

   

[dextrous63]

Dear oh dear oh dear oh dear.  Asking Vlad for a pay rise.  Have you no shame, woman?

[Vlad]

How very perceptive of you Dex, I was thinking about either crowdfunding, a donation box on the bar counter or an increase in prices.
You will immediately see the wisdom of my plan if I raise prices, in fact Granny Mac who pays for all the rounds will fund Mups pay rise, Mups who has already mentioned that she is a bit of a slapper will pop round to Granny's, give her a slap and pick up her wages and bar arrears , it's a win win situation 

[Scrumpy]

I thought I was the Slapper.. !!
I wondered why I was put in the loo.. Have I been demoted.. ?

I've always been a slapper .. and a good one.. My mum would turn in her grave knowing this.. She was well proud of me..