The road to Alan's Snackbar and other musings

[Vlad]

And continuing...
Do Buddhists go to heaven?

 Buddhist are continually reincarnated until they achieve a state of Nirvana.  I'm not sure exactly what that is, but it sounds dead good.  The really cool thing is that whenever you die, you just keep coming back, like the Terminator.   Non-Buddhists are also reincarnated, of course,  but they come back as ants and garden gnomes  and worms.

   What is this 'Wheel of Life' that I keep hearing about?

 It's a giant wooden wheel with spikes on it.  If you have an enemy and you want him to talk, you can strap him to the wheel and throw rocks at him, and he will tell you anything you want to know.

   Can Buddhists do Voodoo or any of that stuff?

 I have a friend who can touch the tip of his nose with his tongue.  He's not a Buddhist, and it's not strictly magic, but it's well impressive, nonetheless.  I did read about this guy once who was able to stop a man's heart just by staring into his eyes.   I don't know whether he was a Buddhist either, but it's bloody spooky.  I've tried it myself -  just going up to people in the street and staring directly into their eyes.   I concentrated really hard, but all that happened was I got cautioned by the police.

   So, how do I join?  Is there a test?

 Of course there's a test - they don't just let anyone in, you know.  To be a Buddhist you have to be strong, physically fit and have 20/20 vision.  I have perfect eyesight myself, or will have by Friday  even though in the Army they said I was short-sighted.  That incident with the tank wasn't my fault - the visibility was very poor that day.  Even the coroner said so.   Anyway, to be a Buddhist you also have to be able to do fifteen push-ups and run five miles without breaking a sweat, which I can do dead easy. (Poetic licence ok)
  
 And that's what Buddhism is all about.  So, do you think you have what it takes to be a Buddhist?  It's a hard life, but a rewarding one, and if you're looking for an exciting change of direction, then Buddhism could be the very thing for you.  

  Buddhists will be recruiting in this forum so why not pick up an application form from the bar and join us in bringing serenity and enlightenment to our troubled world.   And if we manage to get enough of us together in time for this time next Sunday, we're all going to go down into town and give the Tommy  Robinson mob a good kicking.
Cheerio.
 
This has been a public service post on behalf of the Lets Chat Forum Party, the party you don't mess with orright?
 

[klondike]

I've grown my hair long but do I have to have one of those pony tails right on the top so I can be pulled up to heaven? Or is that some other lot?

I saw local bloke called Jehovah shoplifting in the corner shop but when I went up to the owner and told him I wanted to tell him about Jehovah he got very rude and kicked me out of the shop. If I joined a Buddhist monastery would they teach me how to keep my mouth shut?

If I keep practicing will I be able to write Buddhist right first time without the spellchecker fixing it?

[Dextrous63]

I finally got round to binge reading this thread and the reflections by our Vlad, who art somewhere in the West Midlands.

Although not strictly Buddhist related ( in fact it has nothing to do with it), I was wondering what our enlightened soldier (retired) feels about those people who signed up and instead of getting involved with the "fighting" aspect of the armed forces, decided to spend their entire career blowing brass instruments and thumping drums?

[Vlad]

I've grown my hair long but do I have to have one of those pony tails right on the top so I can be pulled up to heaven? Or is that some other lot?

I saw local bloke called Jehovah shoplifting in the corner shop but when I went up to the owner and told him I wanted to tell him about Jehovah he got very rude and kicked me out of the shop. If I joined a Buddhist monastery would they teach me how to keep my mouth shut?

If I keep practicing will I be able to write Buddhist right first time without the spellchecker fixing it?

The way is long and arduous brother Klondike, but cross my palm with a few shekels and the path can be a lot smoother...I have had problems with shekels on my spellchecker oddly enough I think it's antisemitism. 

[Vlad]

I finally got round to binge reading this thread and the reflections by our Vlad, who art somewhere in the West Midlands.

Although not strictly Buddhist related ( in fact it has nothing to do with it), I was wondering what our enlightened soldier (retired) feels about those people who signed up and instead of getting involved with the "fighting" aspect of the armed forces, decided to spend their entire career blowing brass instruments and thumping drums?

I must admit that a band in peacetime is nice especially on parades, all bandsmen are trained as soldiers first then some will go on into being musicians mainly from the Household Brigade. Who go on to the Military School of Music , life for them is a damn sight easier than for the average Tom, accommodation wise and posting wise they tend to stay in one place. 
I never met a musician on ops, I gather in the event of a major punchup they can be used in auxiliary roles, stretcher bearers, decontamination teams etc . But they are a band, nice uniforms nice music etc but not soldiers in the real sense. There was a guy, small bloke, ginger hair, who played a tin whistle in the middle of the night ... badly in our tent upcountry in the Radfan. He was attached from 22 so no one remonstrated with him or told him he wasn't musician, we clapped politely. He had a short fuse. 
Hope that answers your query 

[klondike]

Probably the Scots Guard band are far tougher. All that bloody haggis wrestling and skinning just to make their instruments which are known to be deadly at 50 paces.

[Diasi]

Thanks. I did search straight after the post and found that but it was my phone in bed and I went to sleep right after. Now I'm wondering if it's worth checking to see if there are any in the Emporium. I enjoyed them at the time but I think i was probably easily pleased all those years ago. I still might though

There are plenty of 'best bit' clips on YouTube.

[Vlad]

Probably the Scots Guard band are far tougher. All that bloody haggis wrestling and skinning just to make their instruments which are known to be deadly at 50 paces.

Scots and Irish Guards should never be allowed to in 10 miles of each other especially on a Friday night...

[Dextrous63]

My query about training soldiers to forget about the shooting bit and instead focus on playing the trombone in the big parade was really about whether sending a big band into, say, Afghanistan might be more effective in destroying the morale/willpower of the Taliban than traditional methods of military deployment, and thus make them succumb to our more liberal ways.

After all, anyone who watched the entire funeral of Queen Elizabeth will now have an understandable morbid fear of both Beethoven's and Chopin's funeral march sonatas.

[klondike]

Anybody that found their way through a Welsh road blocked by an accident whose wife found something laughably called a road on her map that lead into the middle of a small town further along the the route and took it only to pull out onto the main drag ot that or at least some town from what most would take to be a path to garages round the back only to find themselves in the middle of some sort ot parade behind the Boys Brigade and in front of a gang of hairy arsed Scotsmen apparently squashing some sort of animals while twiddling about with their privates would be seriously affected for decades after.

One lasting effect appears to be a problem writing sentences which any normal or for that matter abnormal people would jointly judge not to be overly long and meandering which could surely with a little thought have been condensed into a length that could re read aloud by anyone not afflicted by a bronchial disease of some sort.

[Dextrous63]

Have you been reading a book with no punctuation in it?

[GrannyMac]

Probably the Scots Guard band are far tougher. All that bloody haggis wrestling and skinning just to make their instruments which are known to be deadly at 50 paces.

And very frightening for an enemy to hear! 

Vlad, in his discourse about Buddhism, omitted one of their favourite pastimes, Yoga! Contorting their bodies into all sorts of shapes, and humming.  Did you try it Vlad?  Asking for a friend.

[klondike]

Have you been reading a book with no punctuation in it?

A lasting impact from that pipe band I'm afraid