A friend..

[Scrumpy]

One of my friends who lives down the road lost her daughter two years ago.. It was all very sad ..
 She phones me often.. Her talk is of her daughter.. the illness.. the being there.. 
I let her talk.. of course I do.. I just listen
We do go out sometimes.. but it is not the same.. The shopping , visiting of garden centres and local areas.... It is all centred around her daughter... and she talks of her most of the time..

I can't begin to understand her misery.. her loss.. It must be the worse thing to lose a child.. and my heart goes out to her..

But it is getting me down.. I hope you can understand my feelings.. I am not a selfish person and I am a good friend...
After speaking to her .. my thoughts are of death.. dying.. and the dread of losing someone I love dearly..

My husband died aged 53.. after 30 years of marriage ... I have had sadness..
The loss of my dog (16 year old) .. Pets are important too..

I feel terrible writing this.. I just don't want all this sadness..
I seem to have lost my 'Giggle'..  I love being a giggler and seeing the funny side..

[Raven]

I really think your friend needs professional help from someone who knows how to deal with this.
If you keep on doing this it will obviously start to affect your health, in fact it already is by the sound of things.
See how you go about getting her into Counselling.

[Alex]

Perhaps when you've been out with her you could call in on one of your giggling mates on the way home and lift your mood ?   I guess she feels it's easier to talk to you than her husband.   When I go to see my dearest friend who is very ill, I come home, make a drink and think how lucky I am.     My ailments aren't all that bad after all....

As you say Scrumpy losing a child is the worse thing that can happen to anyone. 

 

[Dextrous63]

FWIW, you might like to listen to some mindfulness stuff on YouTube etc.

Since you are a lovely caring person, I doubt you'll want to let your friend down.  So focussing on yourself to redress matters seems a possible way forward.

[JBR]

Some excellent advice here, Crumpy, certainly the 'giggling mate' bit.  Three of you chatting together would be a better idea than the two of you where her feelings would likely dominate any discussion.

[Scrumpy]

My friend is not married.. She does have grandchildren in their twenties... They are living their lives.. they live with their partners.. They have accepted the woman  that their father has made friends with.. Which annoys my friend..
Would I suggest counselling to her ? No.. she wouldn't like that..

Do I need counselling ?.. No.. I have friends .. I go out with...

I just feel mean when the telephone rings and it is her.. I think  'Oh! no'..
I try to change the subject.. She watches Love Island and I ask about it.. but she soon goes off topic..

Many of us who live alone get lonely.. and sometimes we get a bit p*ssed off with it all.. But we have to make an effort... Something that we have to do ourselves..
I make myself do things and go out.... and sometimes it can be a struggle..
I just don't want to listen to sad things anymore.. 

[Mups]

Scrumps,  no way are you selfish for feeling as you do about your friend's conversation.   
I have experienced exactly the same with a friend of mine,  only not for two years.

At our ages we have probably all lost someone, or something,  that we loved dearly,  so we probably all know how deeply painful it is,  and how different things can suddenly bring it all back to you,  but to my mind, it not normal, nor healthy for her to still have it on her mind constantly.
She needs help and councelling right away,  and should have had it before now. 

We cannot always blame the doctors either,  because if she doesn't ask for help,  how do they know she needs it? 
Do you think she is even aware her behaviour will be making her ill?
Please don't let her make you feel run down too.

Once again,  please don't feel bad for writing about it.  I doubt you've got a selfish bone in your body. 

[GrannyMac]

Several of the ladies I have coffee with at the leisure centre are fairly recent widows, and one, who is married, suddenly lost her adult child a couple of years ago.  They all have interests, exercise classes, day trips, and a group to offload to on occasion.  

It sounds as if you're her main support Scrumpy, and no matter how much you do, she will need to help herself.  You must put yourself first, don't always be available.  Is she open to any suggestions about activities or interests, or even volunteering?

[Scrumpy]

Thank you for replies..
I am pleased that you understand how I feel about my friend and her sorrow..
I wont let her down but I will not (always) be available to listen to the continuous talk of her loss..
 I must think about myself more and 'get out there'..   

[klondike]

I think you are right Scrumpy. I can't advise how to achieve it but you 100% must not let someone else's grief bring you down no matter how close you are. 

I rarely reply to threads about these sort of conundrums as I think everybody has to find their own solutions and those solutions probably wouldn't be mine - not least because I've never been in this situation and have no idea how I'd play it. 

All I can say is I hope you can get through this and your friend too of course.

[JBR]

This discussion has made me think about my own situation.
In general, women live longer than men.  I am nine years older than Marge and have health problems.  On that basis, when the time comes I shall be likely to leave her on her own for several years and there is nothing much I can do about that.
Fortunately, she has the benefit of having a lot of friends.  Hopefully, they will help her get over it, I am sure.

[muddy]

Scrumpy the woman  needs to talk to someone and you are the kind recipient she has probably been brushed off by others or they are avoiding her for the very reasons you give .

She sounds seriously depressed and needs help  two years is not a long time and the sad fact is that you never get over the death of a child .

If you have lost a child as I have you have this desire to hear their name to know they're not forgotten.

Sometimes I go a long time not hearing my son's name and it makes me terribly sad .

Perhaps you  could recommend  that she joins a group like The Compassionate Friends .( They are all over the country )
They organise get togethers outings  ,grief workshops and walks etc .
They are all bereaved parents I  have not been to any but I hear that they are good and very understanding .

https://www.tcf.org.uk/