A Ripping Yarn.

[klondike]

Dieing hard seems a good way to go. 

[Vlad]

Are we all ready? Sitting comfortably? Yes? Then I will begin.....


And so it begins.... the curtains open slowly to the sound of the theme music from 633 Squadron (Good stirring stiff upper lip British stuff)
 A lone British (Hoorah!) Spitfire is seen cruising through the sky over RAF BigoneHill....
 
 
 Flight Lieutenant Klondike, known to his friends as Biggles, executes a perfect victory roll over RAF Bigone Hill  rolls his Spitfire right side up, eases back the throttle and banks steeply to port.
The voice of Air Traffic Controller *Dextorious ........crackles in his headphones, 'Welcome back Old Chap, you're cleared for Number Two runway.' Glancing down at the Station windsock, Biggles drops  smoothly to land and taxis smartly over to the maintenance hangar (somewhat similar to a Vlads garden shed but bigger) where his  faithful mechanic Leading Aircraft person Phil .is eagerly waiting for him. ....switches off his  engine and pushes back the cockpit canopy, neatly adjusting its chintz curtains at the same time. 'Wotcha.... Me old ham sandwich,' .....he quips in the vernacular, ' How's are me old cock Sparra?' LAC Phil  grins widely, 'Great, Boss  ' he says, 'Never better, sit's good to see you again and no mistake, Lord love yer, me old Pot Noodle ' (at this point we would ask the reader to imagine the above to be spoken with a Dick Van Dyke cockney accent and applaud the effort put in by Phil  in mastering the cockney accent)


It is 1944 and Britain is facing up to its sternest challenge. After some months instructing new pilots at the Central School of Honourable Behaviour, Flight Lieutenant Klondike is operational once again at his  old station RAF Bigone Hill. Off and on, ......has been there ever since World War One when he  was a Royal Flying Corps Pilot Officer testing Sopwith Camels: he is  still the youngest, bravest, most decorated and least promoted officer in the service though. (thanks for the cheque btw..)


LAC Phil has been with Klondike right through his flying career. He's nearly 82 now but cheerful as ever. His pension (should he ever take it) will be bigger than the Prime Minister's. At his age,......Klondike  allows him a few familiarities, as you might have noticed



Klondike is tempted to go straight to the mess for a pint or two of Old Felonious - the strongest beer north of Harrogate , but duty comes first as always. Instead, he  reports to the station's co, wing commander..... **Granny 'Shortfall' Mac.They are old friends; they exchange greetings and get straight down to business. 'It's bad, ...says Granny Mac 'we're being beaten in the skies. We lost fifteen aircraft and a shedful of luggage from terminal 4 yesterday and the average life expectancy of of a new pilot is down to three quarters of an hour.' Klondike grimaces he  had realised that things were pretty bad but not this bad. 'It's as well i'm here then,' he  says firmly, ' i expect you'll want me to save the day.' (i really love that line!)

* Dex that was your one and only line...get your frock on, you can now be Dexi a buxom bar wench, see how kind I am?

* how Granny'shortfall' Mac darling got her nickname is another story. suffice it to say, she once crash landed a Wellington bomber into  the canteen of a young mans boarding school and she was there for some weeks. 

end of scene 1

[Vlad]

Has his back given out again?  We warned him about that when he kept disappearing into the Red Suite of rooms in the b&b ( ie S&M parlour) he owned above a pub he once ran on another site.

Old habits die hard, as they say😬

Ah yes....the Jockeys Nostril a lovely pub...it needs resurrecting on here...

[dextrous63]

Ooooh, Klondy, your hair's causing jip with my friend's undercarriage.

[Scrumpy]

Great story.. better than tv..

[Vlad]

Great story.. better than tv..

thank you Scrump, the cheque is in the post 😀

[Mups]

Ah yes....the Jockeys Nostril a lovely pub...it needs resurrecting on here...

I remember that pub,   I  worked there for a while.

Some hilarious patrons,  and the Landlord was a randy old devil, too. 

[JBR]

Great story.. better than tv..

When is it on the telly?
Netflix, Prime, or Freeview.

[Vlad]

scene 2 The Old Team
 now available in hardback from the foyer
 
 
 
 'England expects, Biggles ,' says Granny 'Shortfall' Mac frowning gravely, ' I've got one pleasant surprise for you though. your old team is here.' Klondikes/Biggles old team is indeed at RAF Bigone Hill  and he walks over to the mess to meet them.

' Hooroo sport, digger me old cobber. got a cold one on yer?', he calls to stunningly attractive pilot officer Alex ' *Billabong' of the Royal Australian Air Force **. 'Sure have skip' says * Alex and throws a dew - speckled bottle of Coolibar Roobrew directly at Klondike's  head. 'nothing changes eh, skip ?' she adds, 'never could abide your warm pommybeer.'
more slowly and with a dignity that belies his friendship with Biggles, Captain - Lieujtenant JBR **Van Driver, South African Air Force,*** walks over to Biggles and clasps his hand firmly in his own huge paws. 'good ja, skipper, ' he says, 'old team back in action. perhaps you get that swine the Red Baron This time. perhaps you give her what for, no kidding.' (well that's the best I can do with a South African accent)

 'let's hope so, JBR ,' says Klondije quietly, 'let's hope so. i certainly owe her one.'

*Alex  always has a cold one on her, due to poor peripheral circulation.

 
 *** although a lifelong native of dark continent JBR Van Driver was actually born in Galashiels, Scotland. his flying skills are legendary, but legend uncertainly dubs him as 'the Flying Dutchman or Flying Scotsman .'

 
 end of Scene 2  ( purely because the reunion turns into a bit of a piss up and brawl ensues involving a few forum members and guest readers and watered down beer who have only be written into the script to pad it out a bit, I will be doing a lot of that.)

NOTE: The scene between the Wing Commander and the black Labrador at the bar did not get past the mods . sorry (name deleted,) you had about 40 lines and an oscar nomination, which ended up on the cutting room floor
 
 
 
 In scene 3. 
How  to decorate your Spitfire

[JBR]

Just what is going on here?
I agreed to be a dog.  I'm several stations above being a 'van driver'.  The very thought.

"Woof".  "Growl".

[dextrous63]

I thought you were a land, Rover😬

[Vlad]

Just what is going on here?
I agreed to be a dog.  I'm several stations above being a 'van driver'.  The very thought.

"Woof".  "Growl".

Promotions is quick in this yarn, in one of the scenes you are a chariot driver, so you are qualified 

[GrannyMac]

Promotions is quick in this yarn, in one of the scenes you are a chariot driver, so you are qualified

I thought I was a chariot driver? Anyhoo, how does a chariot fit in? And can I have some of what you're drinking/smoking/taking!

[dextrous63]

I thought I was a chariot driver? Anyhoo, how does a chariot fit in? And can I have some of what you're drinking/smoking/taking!

For heavens sake GM, apart from the Flying Chariot being a pub at Heathrow airport, it has an earlier history...

[klondike]

how does a chariot fit in?

Everybody is watching a thrilling film and the projector gets turned off in the middle of the chariot race as I come in and announce a huge raid has been planned on the dastardly hun and brought forward to tonight.

The squadron must bomb a secret plant hidden in a Norwegian fjord before they can dispatch the heavy water to a German factory which will make an atomic bomb. While you lot are doing that and diverting the night fighters I will be bombing the factory in Berlin on my own with a special bomb I invented last week.