Divorce in later life.

Alex · January 09, 2024, 08:36:53 AM

Divorce, if you're the innocent and unwilling party can be as bad as losing your partner to illness, it's like a bereavement.

Yesterday I was out with my oldest friend who has been married since 1968, she has two grown up children and two grandchildren who now work in London. Always a great couple to outsiders, but her husband over the years has become very difficult to live with. They live together but separately, using the kitchen at separate times it's become that ridiculous. To cut an awfully long story short, he informed her at the weekend that he is putting the house up for sale and wants a divorce. - they are both 76.

I didn't know what to say, my first reaction was that he won't go through with it, they have lived in the same house for 50 years. In the end I said maybe it would be a good thing for her, the stress has made her ill, the last year has been awful.

I think deep down she can't bear the thought of leaving her home, the upheaval. No idea where she will live, he has always looked after the finances, a worrying time.

klondike · January 09, 2024, 08:48:39 AM

Most homes are in joint names I thought. Can he actually sell it?

Michael Rolls · January 09, 2024, 08:50:57 AM

the house Susan and I bought was in joint names - when we divorced I bought her out. When Veronica and I bought our houses both were in joint names.

Alex · January 09, 2024, 08:54:28 AM

It should be in joint names, but I don't know. She didn't work once the first child came along and stayed at home for years - he was the boss.

GrannyMac · January 09, 2024, 08:55:58 AM

Our homes have always been in joint names, even though I wasn't earning when we bought our first. There's usually one partner who looks after finances, in our case its me, it fits in with our lives. But marriage is about equality and sharing, isn't it?

I hope she gets fair treatment financially Alex, but it's a sad story.

klondike · January 09, 2024, 09:00:33 AM

I wonder if he has dementia kicking in. That can make people very unreasonable and difficult to live with. Even if they don't get on it should be possible to live in the same house with minimal interaction and that would be a hell of a lot easier than starting out afresh as an individual at that age.

Maybe he'd be better off in a care home. They can't kick her out to sell the house at her age. She should maybe mention that to him

Alex · January 09, 2024, 09:02:27 AM

Am I right in thinking Estate Agents would require permission from both of them to put house on the market ? That is if house in both names, which I'm pretty sure it must be.

klondike · January 09, 2024, 09:03:22 AM

They could put it on the market but it won't sell with a sitting tenant.

Alex · January 09, 2024, 09:07:36 AM

Quote from: klondike on January 09, 2024, 09:00:33 AMI wonder if he has dementia kicking in. That can make people very unreasonable and difficult to live with.

That's a good point, he has also fallen out with his kids, one doesn't want to see him again. He's just nasty, verbally I mean he's never hit her thank God.

Raven · January 09, 2024, 09:09:54 AM

Your friends story sound a bit like what happened to my marriage. I was married in 1970 and divorced in 1999. We lived separately for a few years but the last drunken hammering he gave me was the final straw. I told him I wanted a divorce and him out, I told him if he didn't do as I asked then I'd go straight to the police (still dripping in blood) and I'd make sure he was charged with everything I could throw at him.
Our house was in joint names and he rented a flat in town that one of his friends had given up, while I stayed in the house untill I managed to get my wee ex farm workers cottage, then the house was sold.
I will not give up my house in Perth as I like a lot of alone time, and it's a bolt hole should I ever need it, I was very wary of moving up north and still won't stay there full time, I know it seems a strange way of life to people who are happily married but it suits me. Once battered your trust in people changes.

Scrumpy · January 09, 2024, 09:36:53 AM

My daughter Marnie divorced .. The house was in joint names.. She had to buy her husband out if she wanted to stay in the family home.. or sell it..
She had to give her husband 400 thousand.. and still pay a mortgage..
Hard times for her.. She was in her forties..
Divorce in later life must be the saddest thing for both parties.. All those years and all those memories in the family home ..
I would think that he is entitled to half the property, as she is..
Poor love.. such a big worry for someone at her time of life..
Why would he be suffering from the start of dementia.? Perhaps he is as unhappy as she is..
I am sure there are many couples out there who, after many years, are not in love with their partner .. they are just used to one another.. and comfortable with how they live.. And some just want to live their last years in peace..

Having said all that.. If I was her.. I would stay 'Put'.. If he wants out .. let him sort it..

klondike · January 09, 2024, 10:01:29 AM

The reason I mentioned dementia is that from what Alex said he sounded as if he was becoming unreasonable and he is 76. I don't claim I can give a diagnosis based on a few sentences from somebody not even directly involved but I do think it is something to ponder.

Scrumpy · January 09, 2024, 10:52:08 AM

One would have to prove that.. Only a doctor could confirm it..
I wonder if a person can suggest dementia in their partner as a reason for not selling a property.. !!

Where are you Cassandra.. !!!!!

JBR · January 09, 2024, 11:11:07 AM

Quote from: Alex on January 09, 2024, 08:36:53 AMDivorce, if you're the innocent and unwilling party can be as bad as losing your partner to illness, it's like a bereavement.

Yesterday I was out with my oldest friend who has been married since 1968, she has two grown up children and two grandchildren who now work in London. Always a great couple to outsiders, but her husband over the years has become very difficult to live with. They live together but separately, using the kitchen at separate times it's become that ridiculous. To cut an awfully long story short, he informed her at the weekend that he is putting the house up for sale and wants a divorce. - they are both 76.

I didn't know what to say, my first reaction was that he won't go through with it, they have lived in the same house for 50 years. In the end I said maybe it would be a good thing for her, the stress has made her ill, the last year has been awful.

I think deep down she can't bear the thought of leaving her home, the upheaval. No idea where she will live, he has always looked after the finances, a worrying time.

Thanks for that, Alex.
Not wishing to wash dirty laundry in public, but both Marge's parents and mine were like that. No divorces, but little or no love either.
Fortunately, Marge and I are still happily married, though we have had our moments. It must be very difficult to live in such a relationship, and I count myself fortunate that Marge meekly submits to my every order.
(No she doesn't!)

ansu · January 11, 2024, 04:54:04 PM

From my own experience I can say, the first months will be hard for your friend, Alex, but living under the same roof with a person who tries to make life as difficult as possible for you isn't honey licking. In my case the worst of all was that my ex-husband was the owener of the house as he had bought the plot before we married and I first had to sort out my finances. However, today I can say it was the best thing that could have happened to me - the last few years were really peaceful ones. So good luck and a lot of patience to your friend - every evening I was in bed I told to myself "how happy I am".