Uncle Vlads Counselling Helpline

[dextrous63]

I have just received an email from a newly wed..

Dear Uncle Vlad

It is barely a week since we had to eject my new mother in law from the wedding reception.  She had become extremely drunk and disorderly and chanted inappropriate comments whilst dancing around the room singing the Hokey Cokey, with her Nora Batty stockings around her ankles.




This wouldn't have been so bad were it not for the fact that the waiting staff were still trying to serve the soup course.

We somehow managed to persuade an uber driver to take her home before the speeches and my husband apologised during his oration, claiming that the meds she'd been taken for an alleged ear infection must have had an adverse side effect and that it had nothing to do with the 8 pints of Stella and half bottle of whisky she'd drunk during the photo taking.

Our problem now is that the Uber driver has sent us a bill for a full valet for his car, together with a claim for loss of earnings for over £1200.

How do we approach the subject with the drunken old soak and get her to cough up the dosh?

Yours
Etc etc etc

[dextrous63]

Dear Vlad

It seems that my colleagues on here have totally lost the plot and are speaking in some strange west Devon accent, thinking they are pirates from yesteryear.

How do I persuade the turnip that I have seen the error of my ways and that he should thus allow me to return to his Bot controlled dynasty?

Yours..
A slightly less disturbed member of this site that the rest of these fruitcakes.

[GrannyMac]

Oi, who are you calling fruitcakes?  Have you mistaken the lovely folk on here for those on't mothership?  I can think of at least a couple there (no names, no pack drill) who might benefit from Uncle Vlad's input! 

[Scrumpy]

I be no fruit cake.. Clotted cream.. That's wot I be..

[klondike]

Dear Vlad

Well there's a spanking coming for starters. I'll have you know that it's Uncle Vlad to the likes of you (well i got told it was to me anyway).

[Scrumpy]

I always call him 'Uncle'.. My mum said he was.. !!

[klondike]

Just wondering... did you have a lot of uncles? 

[Vlad]

Just wondering... did you have a lot of uncles? 

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 'kin hell that really made me larf 

[dextrous63]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 'kin hell that really made me larf

Me too😬😬

Could have been worse though.

[Vlad]

He is very naughty 😅

[JBR]

Just wondering... did you have a lot of uncles? 

🤣🤣🤣

[GrannyMac]

He is very naughty 😅

A very naughty boy! 

[muddy]

Dear Vlad

It seems that my colleagues on here have totally lost the plot and are speaking in some strange west Devon accent, thinking they are pirates from yesteryear.

How do I persuade the turnip that I have seen the error of my ways and that he should thus allow me to return to his Bot controlled dynasty?

Yours..
A slightly less disturbed member of this site that the rest of these fruitcakes.

Still hankering after Botland ?

[dextrous63]

Still hankering after Botland ?

Nope.  I think normality has returned after a very strange "talk like a pirate" day on here.

Not even bothered to have a nosey on the allotment for a few weeks.

Edit-  mind you, I did have a look at the old OFF a couple of months ago as I was trying to look up some of the jokes on there.  So much easier to navigate than the hi-tec upgrade.