Ferrari

[JBR]

The Ferrari team were so disappointed ay not winning the constructor's championship, they got the whole team together, everyone from the drivers to the tea lady, and watched the footage of every race, one after another.

Finally, someone noticed that their pit-stops weren't as quick as Mercedes, so to get them quicker they looked high and wide for the world's best wheel changers. They tried rally mechanics, the royal engineers, everyone with mechanical expertise. They finally found the answer to the problem, six British teenagers with asbo's. They could get the wheels off in under five seconds, regular as clockwork.

Problem was, in fifteen seconds, they'd also resprayed it and sold it to some bloke behind the Maclaren garage for a case of Stella, and a Nokia I Phone.

[Diasi]

[klondike]

[Michael Rolls]

      

[Cassandra]

I remember back in the 70's a case where over 500 wheels were stolen from a car dealers compound in one night in Liverpool!

[Michael Rolls]

which reminds me of the old tale - 'What do you call a Liverpudlian in a suit?'
'The accused'

[JBR]

which reminds me of the old tale - 'What do you call a Liverpudlian in a suit?'
'The accused'

🤣🤣🤣

[dextrous63]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😬😬😬

[Cassandra]

Another early case was two very amusing 'Scallys' who made cars 'vanish' into the Liverpool docks to become 'insurance write offs'. Now imagine the scouse accent as you read.

They explained in court."We had this Austin Princess".

Judge remarks "What is that?"

Clerk replied "It's a model of car sir".

"Yeah right old bin too" prompted defendant (1).

"Is that significant?" questioned Judge.

"It was to the bloke who owned it, he wanted rid" (Defendant 1)

"Carry on", said the Judge, giving me (defence) a wry grin

"Well yer honourable, its was like dis. I said to im (indicating defendant 2) you plonker its stuck"

"What was stuck?" - Judge

"De old bin, see their Front Wheel drive, so I always reverse dem off the side of the Doc, otherwise dey hang over the edge revving their bollox off" - (Defendant 1).

"Yeah but you never told me dat" (Defendant 2), who was not the sharpest knife in the draw)!

"Well everyone knows dere front wheel drive - honest you're really showing me up" (Defendant 1), with a very wearied and disgusted look of shame on his face.

"Yes, Yes, carry on, we're not here to award certificates of competence out you know" - Judge

"Anyway I says to him after I'd terned it round, wid a brick on the accelarator, - wait for the splash then leg it"

"Carry on" - Judge

"Well we eard a bloody great clang and I said to im, you berk - yer got der tides wrong its low tide"

"Explain" - Judge (now like everyone else really enjoying this story)

"Well we wait till high tide cos theres just a splash, you's sees your honourable, less noise and we can get away good". "When its low tide they crash into previous stuff we put dere"

"How many" Judge

"Couldn't say sir, we've asked for 126 at least to be taken into consideration". Here the defendants disagreed and they started comparing notes remarks like "no dere were at least 6 Cortinas" - "Dont forget dem Allegros from Birmingham and der Robins".

In mitigation they explained,

"Yer see some rotten thief had nicked our spot, and he'd piled em up so high dat dere was no space nutten left, even at high tide, cos deyed piled em 16 high, no pride in dere work disgustin, honest!".


"So no splosh, just a clang even with the right timing and poor attention to efficiency" said his honour.

I then had to plead mitigation!

[JBR]

Another early case was two very amusing 'Scallys' who made cars 'vanish' into the Liverpool docks to become 'insurance write offs'. Now imagine the scouse accent as you read.

They explained in court."We had this Austin Princess".

Judge remarks "What is that?"

Clerk replied "It's a model of car sir".

"Yeah right old bin too" prompted defendant (1).

"Is that significant?" questioned Judge.

"It was to the bloke who owned it, he wanted rid" (Defendant 1)

"Carry on", said the Judge, giving me (defence) a wry grin

"Well yer honourable, its was like dis. I said to im (indicating defendant 2) you plonker its stuck"

"What was stuck?" - Judge

"De old bin, see their Front Wheel drive, so I always reverse dem off the side of the Doc, otherwise dey hang over the edge revving their bollox off" - (Defendant 1).

"Yeah but you never told me dat" (Defendant 2), who was not the sharpest knife in the draw)!

"Well everyone knows dere front wheel drive - honest you're really showing me up" (Defendant 1), with a very wearied and disgusted look of shame on his face.

"Yes, Yes, carry on, we're not here to award certificates of competence out you know" - Judge

"Anyway I says to him after I'd terned it round, wid a brick on the accelarator, - wait for the splash then leg it"

"Carry on" - Judge

"Well we eard a bloody great clang and I said to im, you berk - yer got der tides wrong its low tide"

"Explain" - Judge (now like everyone else really enjoying this story)

"Well we wait till high tide cos theres just a splash, you's sees your honourable, less noise and we can get away good". "When its low tide they crash into previous stuff we put dere"

"How many" Judge

"Couldn't say sir, we've asked for 126 at least to be taken into consideration". Here the defendants disagreed and they started comparing notes remarks like "no dere were at least 6 Cortinas" - "Dont forget dem Allegros from Birmingham and der Robins".

In mitigation they explained,

"Yer see some rotten thief had nicked our spot, and he'd piled em up so high dat dere was no space nutten left, even at high tide, cos deyed piled em 16 high, no pride in dere work disgustin, honest!".


"So no splosh, just a clang even with the right timing and poor attention to efficiency" said his honour.

I then had to plead mitigation!

And, let me guess, in mitigation and due to the entertainment he had enjoyed, he kindly let the criminals off with a 'warning'?

It's what we do now over here!

Some people complain about the severity of American consequences of crime, but personally I'm beginning to wish I lived there now.

[Cassandra]

A 3rd specific offence, together with a myriad of petty thefts. They got three years I seem to remember. Old lags, they could quite easily have made a very funny stage act and perhaps earned well from it. They would I think have got less, but the cost of the clearance to the Corporation was enormous.

They thanked me as they'd turned down a deal for 5 years (how much!). They were out in 16months and sent me a bottle of champagne in celebration.

[Michael Rolls]

priceless!