The format to writing a limerick:
Five lines.
1,2 & 5 rhyme
3 & 4 rhyme
There was an old woman from Crewe
Quote from: GrannyMac on March 18, 2023, 06:20:51 AMThe format to writing a limerick:
There was an old woman from Crewe
who dined out on buck rabbit stew
She thought it was funny
To eat some poor bunny
There was an old woman from Crewe
Who dined out on buck rabbit stew
She thought it was funny
To eat some poor bunny
Then next time, she tried kangaroo.
**********
GREAT!
March 18, 2023, 04:43:28 PM
who, and how, do we start another one?
Someone else have a go...
Sorry, Just not my thing. [2010]
There was a young man from Glamorgan
There was a young man from Glamorgan
On Sundays he played the church organ
There was a young man from Glamorgan
On Sundays he played the church organ
For the rest of the week
There was a young man from Glamorgan
On Sundays he played the church organ
For the rest of the week
He sold carrots and leeks
tull it was time to play the organ
Bertha and Fed got married today
Bertha and Fred got married today
While their kids went out to play
Bertha and Fred got married today
While their kids went out to play
She was dressed all in white
Bertha and Fred got married today
While their kids went out to play
She was dressed all in white
And got quite tight
Bertha and Fred got married today
While their kids went out to play
She was dressed all in white
And got quite tight
So, another kid is on the way
Crabby was lounging in Goa
Wearing only a pink feather boa (sorry it's two but I couldn't resist)
Crabby was lounging in Goa
Wearing only a pink feather boa
when asked why this was
Crabby was lounging in Goa
Wearing only a pink feather boa
When asked why this was
He said, after a pause..
Crabby was lounging in Goa
Wearing only a pink feather boa
When asked why this was
He said, after a pause...
' To surprise Scrumpy on face to face blower'
They played snakes and ladders
They played snakes and ladders
And fought with pigs bladders
They played snakes and ladders
And fought with pigs bladders
And if one should burst
They played snakes and ladders
And fought with pigs bladders
And if one should burst
They felt they'd been cursed
They played snakes and ladders
And fought with pigs bladders
And if one should burst
They felt they'd been cursed
And felt they'd been bitten by adders
The bin men did the rounds today
The bin men did the rounds today
Taking all that junk away
The bin men did the rounds today
Taking all that junk away
inside their smelly van
The bin men did the rounds today
Taking all that junk away
inside their smelly van
Driven by a pongy man
The bin men did the rounds today
Taking all that junk away
inside their smelly van
Driven by a pongy man
Whose wife kept him at bay
Come on Micheal.. Write the first line..
Oh, OK
There was a young lady from Dundee
There was a young lady from Dundee
She looked a real cracker to me
There was a young woman from Dundee
She looked a real cracker to me
She looked into meh ehs
And said y'ken I love pehs
Or a bridie'll dae, wi a wee cuppie tea.
(Meh/my/ehs/eyes, pehs/pies; ken/know, dae/do. All in best Dundonese!)
Apologies, I just had to finish it.
you are forgiven - your turn
A seagull nicked one of Bertie's chips
A seagull nicked one of Bertie's chips
It dive bombed and almost pecked his lips
A seagull nicked one of Bertie's chips
It dive bombed and almost pecked his lips
Poor Bertie yelled and shook his fist
A seagull nicked one of Bertie's chips
It dive bombed and almost pecked his lips
Poor Bertie yelled and shook his fist
'I'll get you yet, you scum' he hissed
A seagull nicked one of Bertie's chips
It dive bombed and almost pecked his lips
Poor Bertie yelled and shook his fist
'I'll get you yet, you scum' he hissed
You're number one on my hit list!
********
An old girl from Ryl, name of Lil
An old girl from Ryl, name of Lil
Was too puffed to climb up the hill
An old girl from Ryl, name of Lil
Was too puffed to climb up the hill
So hitched a ride on a passing cart
An old girl from Ryl, name of Lil
Was too puffed to climb up the hill
So hitched a ride on a passing cart
The horse dropped dead.. with a strained heart.
An old girl from Ryl, name of Lil
Was too puffed to climb up the hill
So hitched a ride on a passing cart
The horse dropped dead with a strained heart (not the thyme I was hoping for)
So the carter gave her the bill.
There was an old gent from Kentucky
There was an old gent from Kentucky
Whose in-laws thought him too lucky
There was an old gent from Kentucky
Whose in-laws thought him too lucky
After wedding their lass
There was an old gent from Kentucky
Whose in-laws thought him too lucky
After wedding their lass
Went to live in Kansas
There was an old gent from Kentucky
Whose in-laws thought him too lucky
After wedding their lass
Went to live in Kansas
Which some considered quite plucky
Brian's dad gave him a mountain bike
Brian's dad gave him a mountain bike
In a bright shade of red, which he really liked
Brian's dad gave him a mountain bike
In a bright shade of red, which he really liked
He pedalled like hell
Brian's dad gave him a mountain bike
In a bright shade of red, which he really liked
He pedalled like hell
When into a pothole he fell
Brian's dad gave him a mountain bike
In a bright shade of red, which he really liked
He pedalled like hell
When into a pothole he fell
And never more went more a-biked
There was a small doggie called Fluff
There was a small doggie called Fluff
Whose dinner was never enough
There was a small doggie called Fluff
Whose dinner was never enough
He asked why it was
There was a small doggie called Fluff
Whose dinner was never enough
He asked why it was
And was told "just because"
There was a small doggie called Fluff
Whose dinner was never enough
He asked why it was
And was told "just because"
So Fluff pinched the cat's, wuff wuff!
**********
A generous chap from North Wales
A generous chap from North Wales
Was a noted recounter of tales
A generous chap from North Wales
Was a noted recounter of tales
"You'll never believe" was their usual start
A generous chap from North Wales
Was a noted recounted of tales
'You'll never believe ' was their usual start
''I'll tell you this with hand on heart'
A generous chap from North Wales
Was a noted recounted of tales
'You'll never believe ' was their usual start
''I'll tell you this with hand on heart'
Compared to it, all else pales
An elderly doctor from Kent
An elderly doctor from Kent
Straightened the leg of a man that was bent
An elderly doctor from Kent
Straightened the leg of a man that was bent
Again he could walk
An elderly doctor from Kent
Straightened the leg of a man that was bent
Again he could walk
And venture out for a walk
An elderly doctor from Kent
Straightened the leg of a man that was bent
Again he could walk
And venture out for a walk
To buy a nice leg of pork
There once was a fellow from Poole
There once was a fellow from Poole
Who purchased a bright shiny jewel
There once was a fellow from Poole
Who purchased a bright shiny jewel
It was for his wife
There once was a fellow from Poole
Who purchased a bright shiny jewel
It was for his wife
The love of his life
There once was a fellow from Poole
Who purchased a bright shiny jewel
It was for his wife
The love of his life
But gave it to Peggy who was 'cool'
:upvote: :upvote: :upvote:
your turn!
The vicar was wearing a frock
The vicar was wearing a frock
While exploring a Liverpool dock
The vicar was wearing a frock
While exploring Liverpool docks
He came across Bert wearing tights
The vicar was wearing a frock
While exploring Liverpool docks
He came across Bert wearing tights
one of the less likely sights
The vicar was wearing a frock
While exploring Liverpool docks
He came across Bert wearing tights
one of the less likely sights
And his friend with his head in a box.
***********
Some people like watching TV
Some people like watching TV
then boiling the kettle for tea
Some people like watching TV
then boiling the kettle for tea
With toast and some jam
Some people like watching TV
then boiling the kettle for tea
With toast and some jam
and a thin slice of ham
Some people like watching TV
then boiling the kettle for tea
With toast and some jam
and a thin slice of ham
And later, a nice G & T.
********
The forecast promises sun today
The forecast promises sun today
Just the same as yesterday
The forecast promises sun today
Just the same as yesterday
so walk with your brollie
The forecast promises sun today ☀️
Just the same as yesterday 🌦
so walk with your brollie ☂️
To forget it is folly ☔️
The forecast promises sun today ☀️
Just the same as yesterday 🌦
so walk with your brollie ☂️
To forget it is folly ☔️
While the forecaster chuckles away
Jim sat inside the omnibus
Jim sat inside the omnibus
Sitting sideways to ease his truss
Jim sat inside the omnibus
Sitting sideways to ease his truss
The bus hurtled over a huge speed bump
Jim sat inside the omnibus
Sitting sideways to ease his truss
The bus hurtled over a huge speed bump
Jim went 'ouch' and felt a lump
Jim sat inside the omnibus
Sitting sideways to ease his truss
The bus hurtled over a huge speed bump
Jim went 'ouch' and felt a lump
which made him swear and cuss
There once was a fellow from Dover
There once was a fellow from Dover
On the dance floor he was a great mover
There once was a fellow from Dover
On the dance floor he was a great mover
but his partner in life
There once was a fellow from Dover
On the dance floor he was a great mover
but his partner in life
His long suffering wife
There once was a fellow from Dover
On the dance floor he was a great mover
but his partner in life
His long suffering wife
Preferred walking their dog called Rover
A foolish young fellow from Fife
A foolish young fellow from Fife
Lead a surpisingly adventurous life
A foolish young fellow from Fife
Lead a surprisingly adventurous life
When wearing his kilt in a gale
A foolish young fellow from Fife
Lead a surprisingly adventurous life
When wearing his kilt in a gale
He gave an almighty wail
A foolish young fellow from Fife
Lead a surprisingly adventurous life
When wearing his kilt in a gale
He gave an almighty wail
Exclaiming my chilblains are rife!
A timid old maid from New York
A timid old maid from New York
Asked a butcher to show her his pork
A timid old maid from New York
Asked a butcher to show her his pork
He produced a chump chop
A timid old maid from New York
Asked a butcher to show her his pork
He produced a chump chop
It made her eyes POP 🫣
A timid old maid from New York
Asked a butcher to show her his pork
He produced a chump chop
It made her eyes POP 🫣
And even affected her walk
A young farmer from Abergavenny
A young farmer from Abergavenny
Fell in love with a milk maid called Jenny
A young farmer from Abergavenny
Fell in love with a milk maid called Jenny
His fast beating heart
A young farmer from Abergavenny
Fell in love with a milk maid called Jenny
His fast beating heart
Of romance was the start
A young farmer from Abergavenny
Fell in love with a milk maid called Jenny
His fast beating heart
Of romance was the start
But he was just one of so many 😢
*************
Its time to start gardening again
Its time to start gardening again
Even though digging's a pain
Its time to start gardening again
Even though digging's a pain
Take care of your knees
Its time to start gardening again
Even though digging's a pain
Take care of your knee
Don't let them freeze
Its time to start gardening again
Even though digging's a pain
Take care of your knees
Don't let them freeze
Should you get caught in the rain
Eddie Izzard paraded in his frock
Eddie Izzard paraded in a frock
He/she calls himself Suzy.. just to shock
Eddie Izzard parades in his frock
He/she calls himself Suzy.. just to shock
Then daubs on more lippy
Eddie Izzard parades in his frock
He/she calls himself Suzy.. just to shock
Then daubs on more lippy
And thinks they look pretty
Eddie Izzard parades in his frock
He/she calls himself Suzy.. just to shock
Then daubs on more lippy
And thinks they look pretty
While others just titter and mock
The Bishop thinks he is so fine
The Bishop thinks he is so fine
But he's out of touch, out of time
The Bishop thinks he is so fine
But he's out of touch, out of time
Sitting in the House of Lords
The Bishop thinks he is so fine
But he's out of touch, out of time
Sitting in the House of Lords
strumming his guitar chords
The Bishop thinks he is so fine
But he's out of touch, out of time
Sitting in the House of Lords
strumming his guitar chords
For real life he'll never pine.
*******
A Labour MP name of Kier
A Labour MP name of Kier
Met up with some mates for a beer
A Labour MP name of Kier
Met up with some mates for a beer
As he quaffed it down
A Labour MP name of Kier
Met up with some mates for a beer
As he quaffed it down
All his mates went to town
A Labour MP name of Kier
Met up with some mates for a beer
As he quaffed it down
All his mates went to town
To partake of a little more cheer
An ex-president name of Trump
An ex-president name of Trump
Was told he was for the high jump
An ex-president name of Trump
In court looked a right old grump
An ex-president name of Trump
In court looked a right old grump
When told he must plead
An ex-president name of Trump
In court looked a right old grump
When told he must plead
He paid them no heed
An ex president name of Trump
In court looked a right old grump
When told he must plead
He paid them no head
But paid Stormy Daniels a big lump
April 05, 2023, 11:51:48 AM
I lost the key to open the Spam
I lost the key to open the Spam
Lord be praised cried my old man
I lost the key to open the Spam
Lord be praised cried my old man
I tried to use a knife
(Oi klondike, was my line not good enough for you in the Trump limerick?)
I lost the key to open the Spam
Lord be praised cried my old man
I tried to use a knife
But I'm a clumsy old wife
Quote from: GrannyMac on April 05, 2023, 12:47:40 PM(Oi klondike, was my line not good enough for you in the Trump limerick?)
Sorry I must have been on the wrong page. Thats the trouble with using the new button and not exercising due diligence.
I lost the key to open the Spam
Lord be praised cried my old man
I tried to use a knife
But I'm a clumsy old wife
So we'll be having bread and jam
Another starter now he cried
Another starter now he cried
When many tins of soup he spied
Another starter now he cried
When many tins of soup he spied
Some were large and some were small
Another starter now he cried
When many tins of soup he spied
Some were large and some were small
and some weren't there at all
Another starter now he cried
When many tins of soup he spied
Some were large and some were small
and some weren't there at all
He stared so hard he went boss eyed. 🤪
************
A man who ate little but bread
start line, granny?
I was editing Mike, its there now 👍🏽
A man who ate little but bread
Was warned he'd soon be dead
Quote from: GrannyMac on April 06, 2023, 07:11:56 AMI was editing Mike, its there now 👍🏽
:upvote: :upvote: :upvote:
April 06, 2023, 09:11:34 AMA man who ate little but bread
Was warned he'd soon be dead
He said 'I should care'
A man who ate little but bread
Was warned he'd soon be dead
He said' I should care'
Full of yeast he rose up in the air
A man who ate little but bread
Was warned he'd soon be dead
He said' I should care'
Full of yeast he rose up in the air
And on the ceiling banged his head
A desperate man from Dundee
A desperate man from Dundee
Cried loudly "Oh woh is me"
A desperate man from Dundee
Cried loudly "Oh woh is me"
"The wind is so chilly" :evil:
A desperate man from Dundee
Cried loudly "Oh woh is me"
"The wind is so chilly"
"Wearing no coat is plain silly"
A desperate man from Dundee
Cried loudly "Oh woh is me"
"The wind is so chilly"
"Wearing no coat is plain silly"
'You might as well swim in the sea'
A foolish young fellow from Harrow
A foolish young fellow from Harrow
Tried to grow a forty pound marrow
A foolish young fellow from Harrow
Tried to grow a forty pound marrow
It started off as a pip
A foolish young fellow from Harrow
Tried to grow a forty pound marrow
It started off as a pip
And ended up in a skip
A foolish young fellow from Harrow
Tried to grow a forty pound marrow
It started off as a pip
And ended up in a skip
For it grew far too skinny and narrow
Norman crashed his car last night
Norman crashed his car last night
By turning left instead of right
Norman crashed his car last night
By turning left instead of right
He clipped poor Brian's new shiny mini
Norman crashed his car last night
By turning left instead of right
He clipped poor Brian's new shiny mini
Its a Jazz, not a mini, you ninny
Norman crashed his car last night
By turning left instead of right
He clipped poor Brian's new shiny mini
Its a Jazz, not a mini, you silly ninny
Brian rang the cops as Norm was tight.
Basil the fox ransacked Mac's bin
Norman crashed his car last night
By turning left instead of right
He clipped poor Brian's new shiny mini
Its a Jazz, not a mini, you ninny
And it's painted in colours so bright
A Parisian named Antoine
Basil the fox ransacked Mac's bin
He could smell a haggis deep within
Basil the fox ransacked Mac's bin
He could smell a haggis deep within
He smacked his lips and took a bite
Basil the fox ransacked Mac's bin
He could smell a haggis deep within
He smacked his lips and took a bite
The haggis was veggie, it tasted like shite 🤮🤢
That's why Mac buried it deep within 😏
***********
A mature IT whizz name of Mark
A mature IT whizz name of Mark
Plugged in his lappy and saw a huge spark
A mature IT whizz name of Mark
Plugged in his lappy and saw a huge spark
Had his forum exploded
A mature IT whizz name of Mark
Plugged in his lappy and saw a huge spark
Had his forum exploded
Or had it unloaded?
A mature IT whizz name of Mark
Plugged in his lappy and saw a huge spark
Had his forum exploded
Or had it unloaded?
Cos briefly our screens had gone dark!
***********
In a flash Mark had sorted it out
In a flash Mark had sorted it out
As exclaimed with a shout
In a flash Mark had sorted it out
As he exclaimed with a shout
'Lets Chat's' back up folks
In a flash Mark had sorted it out
As he exclaimed with a shout
'Lets Chat's' back up folks
So let's hear your jokes
In a flash Mark had sorted it out
As he exclaimed with a shout
'Let's Chat's' a back up folks
So let's hear your jokes
Except for Crabby who did a Flout
There was an old man of Balmoral
There was an old man of Balmoral
Whose trews were surprisingly floral
There was an old man of Balmoral
Whose trews were surprisingly floral
when asked was this was
There was an old man from Balmoral
Whose trews were surprisingly floral
When asked why this was
He replied 'It's because..'
There was an old man from Balmoral
Whose trews were surprisingly floral
When asked why this was
He replied 'It's because..'
My wife and I had a big quarrel
You may think us bears aren't smart
You may think us bears aren't smart
I can converse with humans ,for a start
You may think us bears aren't smart
I can converse with humans for a start
My driving skills put most to shame
You may think us bears aren't smart
I can converse with humans for a start
My driving skills put most to shame
If there is a bump I'm never to blame
You may think us bears aren't smart
I can converse with humans for a start
My driving skills put most to shame
If there is a bump I'm never to blame
And a dented car just breaks my heart
Do you detect some signs of spring?
Do you detect some signs of spring?
Yes! I heard the birdies sing
Do you detect some signs of spring?
Yes! I heard the birdies sing
Bless their little hearts
Do you detect some signs of spring?
Yes! I heard the birdies sing
Bless their little hearts
But I wish they wouldn't start
Do you detect some signs of spring?
Yes! I heard the birdies sing
Bless their little hearts
But I wish they wouldn't start
Till after my alarm starts to ring
A forum spammer arrived last night
A forum spammer arrived last night
And gave the regulars quite a fright
A former spammer arrived last night
And gave the regulars quite a fright
A Russian beauty offering sex
A forum spammer arrived last night
And gave the regulars quite a fright
A Russian beauty offering sex
Own up folks - who polished their specs?
A forum spammer arrived last night
And gave the regulars quite a fright
A Russian beauty offering sex
Own up folks - who polished their specs?
In the hope of catching quite a sight?
A very strict school ma'am called Mabel
A very strict school ma'am called Mabel
Had a sturdy dining room table
A very strict school ma'am called Mabel
Had a sturdy dining room table
With all the homework in piles
A very strict school ma'am called Mabel
Had a sturdy dining room table
With all the homework in piles
And no time for smiles
A very strict school ma'am called Mabel
Had a sturdy dining room table
With all the homework in piles
And no time for smiles
Mabel worked as long as she was able
********
There's a general election next year
There's a general election next year
That the Tories will lose is quite clear
There's a general election next year
That the Tories will lose is quite clear
But bad as they are
There's a general election next year
That the Tories will lose is quite clear
But bad as they are
They'll travel afar
There's a general election next year
That the Tories will lose is quite clear
But bad as they are
They'll travel afar
and take a long jump off a short pier
A vain young man from Milan
A vain young man from Milan
Loved to drive in his customised van
A vain young man from Milan
Loved to drive his customised van
His painted face on the bonnet
A vain young man from Milan
Loved to drive his customised van
His painted face on the bonnet
was graced with lines from a sonnet
A vain young man from Milan
Loved to drive his customised van
His painted face on the bonnet
was graced with lines from a sonnet
Composed by his lovely old gran
Bill went into town on a rickety bus
Bill went into town on a rickety bus
There were no spare seats, but he didn't fuss
Bill went into town on a rickety bus
There were no spare seats, but he didn't fuss
Stood by a pole and clung on tight
Bill went into town on a rickety bus
There were no spare seats, but he didn't fuss
Stood by a pole and clung on tight
Swayed and stumbled as though quite tight
Bill went into town on a rickety bus
There were no spare seats, but he didn't fuss
Stood by a pole and clung on tight
Swayed and stumbled as though quite tight
Then banged his poor knee and started to cuss.
The Easter Fair opened up last night
The Easter Fair opened up last night
The big dipper was one hell of a sight
The Easter Fair opened up last night
The Big Dipper was one hell of a sight
Mabel, dressed as a bunny ,had eyes a poppin'
The Easter Fair opened up last night
The Big Dipper was one hell of a sight
Mabel, dressed as a bunny ,had eyes a poppin'
She wasn't walking, she was hoppin'
The Easter Fair opened up last night
The Big Dipper was one hell of a sight
Mabel, dressed as a bunny ,had eyes a poppin'
She wasn't walking, she was hoppin'
which gave her doggie one hell of a fright
A tee total vicar from Reigate
A tee total vicar from Reigate
Would enter the pub by a side gate
A tee total vicar from Reigate
Would enter the pub by a side gate
when seen by his bishop
A tee total vicar from Reigate
Would enter the pub by a side gate
when seen by his bishop
With a fresh pint of Abbot
doesn't rhyme
Not much does unfortunately. Does this meet your requirements? :grin:
A tee total vicar from Reigate
Would enter the pub by a side gate
When seen by his bishop
Also out for a piss up
Well, at least it rhymes.
A tee total vicar from Reigate
Would enter the pub by a side gate
When seen by his bishop
Also out for a piss up
Which was why the service was late
A man tossing deck quoits for fun
A man tossing deck quoits for fun
Tried to do so while eating a bun
A man tossing deck quoits for fun
Tried to do so while eating a bun
It caused him to burp
A man tossing deck quoits for fun
Tried to do so while eating a bun
It caused him to burp
So he took a quick slurp
A man tossing deck quoits for fun
Tried to do so while eating a bun
It caused him to burp
So he took a quick slurp
Then set off with his wife for a run
*************
Wee Jimmy set off for a walk
Wee Jimmy set off for a walk
to go from Dublin to Cork
Wee Jimmy set off for a walk
To go from Dublin to Cork
He set quite a pace
Quote from: GrannyMac on April 13, 2023, 07:05:47 AMWee Jimmy set off for a walk
To go from Dublin to Cork
He set quite a pace
With the wind in his face
Wee Jimmy set off for a walk
To go from Dublin to Cork
He set quite a pace
With the wind in his face
Whilst eating his lunch with a fork.
**********
The man from the Pru used to call
The man from the Pru used to call
But without cash, we'd hide in the hall
The man from the Pru used to call
But without cash, we'd hide in the hall
He'd return every week
The man from the Pru used to call
But without cash, we'd hide in the hall
He'd return every week
His payments to seek
The man from the Pru used to call
But without cash, we'd hide in the hall
He'd return every week
His payments to seek
But with us he had no hope at all
Young Lochinvar rode out to war on his steed
Young Lochinvar rode out to war on his steed
A mangy fleabit nag of indeterminate breed
Young Lochinvar rode out to war on his steed
A mangy fleabit nag of indeterminate breed
It galloped along
Young Lochinvar rode out to war on his steed
A mangy fleabit nag of indeterminate breed
It galloped along
Making one hell of a pong
Young Lochinvar rode out to war on his steed
A mangy fleabit nag of indeterminate breed
It galloped along
Making one hell of a pong
As he whipped it without any heed
An overworked medic from Poole
An overworked medic from Poole
Proved to be a bit of a fool
An overworked medic from Poole
Proved to be a bit of a fool
He went out on strike
An overworked medic from Poole
Proved to be a bit of a fool
He went out on strike
whne he lost his bike
An overworked medic from Poole
Proved to be a bit of a fool
He went out on strike
When he lost his bike
And had to ride home on a mule
Old Joe's bus was running late
Old Joe's bus was running late
No good moaning - it's fate
Old Joe's bus was running late
No good moaning - it's just fate
Road works slow down even buses
Old Joe's bus was running late
No good moaning - it's just fate
Road works slow down even buses
And it's no good resorting to cusses
Old Joe's bus was running late
No good moaning - it's just fate
Road works slow down even buses
And it's no good resorting to cusses
As usual, he'll just have to wait
********
Public transport is in a real mess
Public transport is in a real mess
Admit it, Mr. Khan, just confess
Public transport is really a mess
Admit it, Mr Khan, just confess
Flo couldn't get to work last week
Public transport is really a mess
Admit it, Mr Khan, just confess
Flo couldn't get to work last week
Or so she said, but someone might sneak
Public transport is really a mess
Admit it, Mr Khan, just confess
Flo couldn't get to work last week
Or so she said, but someone might sneak
She was really out finding a new party dress
All our roads have potholes galore
All our roads have potholes galore
Which makes travel a bit of a bore
All our roads have potholes galore
Which makes travel a bit of a bore
I've hurt my back it is no joke
All our roads have potholes galore
Which makes travel a bit of a bore
I've hurt my back it is no joke
I'm even more damaged than other folk
All our roads have potholes galore
Which makes travel a bit of a bore
I've hurt my back it is no joke
I'm even more damaged than other folk
And my jallopy can't take any more
King Charles made a speech today
King Charles made a speech today
' Harry can bloody stay away'.
King Charles made a speech today
' Harry can bloody stay away'.
And as for his tart
King Charles made a speech today
'Harry can bloody well stay away'.
And as for his tart
No ride in a cart
King Charles made a speech today
'Harry can bloody well stay away'.
And as for his tart
No ride in a cart
It's time they accepted that this is my day
Jack and Jill avoided the hill when sent to fetch some water
Jack and Jill avoided the hill when sent to fetch some water
They snoozed in their beds and sent off the other daughter
Jack and Jill avoided the hill when sent to fetch some water
They snoozed in their beds and sent off the other daughter
but when her bucker was full
Jack and Jill avoided the hill when sent to fetch some water
They snoozed in their beds and sent off the other daughter
But when her bucket was full
She got charged by a bull
Jack and Jill avoided the hill when sent to fetch some water
They snoozed in their beds and sent off the other daughter
But when her bucket was full
She got charged by a bull
For ignoring the sign - that taught her!
A man cycling home in the dark
A man cycling home in the dark
Took a shortcut through the park
A man cycling home in the dark
Took a shortcut through the park
The silly old clot
A man cycling home in the dark
Took a shortcut through the park
The silly old clot
Was feeling sweaty and hot
A man cycling home in the dark
Took a shortcut through the park
The silly old clot
Was feeling sweaty and hot
And fell off - what a lark!
A winsome young maiden from Truro
A winsome young maiden from Truro
Saved her money in a drawer in her bureau
A winsome young maiden from Truro
Saved her money in a drawer in her bureau
When asked why this was
A winsome young maiden from Truro
Saved her money in a drawer in her bureau
When asked why this was
She replied 'It's because..
A winsome young maiden from Truro
Saved her money in a drawer in her bureau
When asked why this was
She replied 'It's because..
I like counting my dollars and Euros.
******
A woman from Essex called Lily
A woman from Essex called Lily
was known to frequent Piccadilly
A woman from Essex called Lily
Was known to frequent Piccadilly
On the corner she'd stand
A woman from Essex called Lily
Was known to frequent Piccadilly
On the corner she'd stand
White bag in her hand
A woman from Essex called Lily
Was known to frequent Piccadilly
On the corner she'd stand
White bag in her hand
Hoping to entice someone silly
A gormless young fellow from Poole
A gormless young fellow from Poole
This week, was the village fool
A gormless young fellow from Poole
This week, was the village fool
so he went to the pub
A gormless young fellow from Poole
This week, was the village fool
So he went to the pub
To order some grub
A gormless young fellow from Poole
This week, was the village fool
So he went to the pub
To order some grub
But managed to fall off the stool
There once was a fellow called Gerry
There once was a fellow called Gerry
Bought his mum a bottle of sherry
There once was a fellow called Gerry
Bought his mum a bottle of sherry
His mum took a big swig
There once was a fellow called Gerry
Bought his mum a bottle of sherry
His mum took a big swig
While dancing a jig
There once was a fellow called Gerry
Bought his mum a bottle of sherry
His mum took a big swig
While dancing a jig
Last seen on a Cross Channel ferry!
******
A grumpy old Doncaster chap
A grumpy old Doncaster chap
Had an unfortunate wardrobe mishap
A grumpy old Doncaster chap
Had an unfortunate wardrobe mishap
He was heading to town
A grumpy old Doncaster chap
Had an unfortunate wardrobe mishap
He was heading to town
When his trousers fell down
A grumpy old Doncaster chap
Had an unfortunate wardrobe mishap
He was heading to town
When his trousers fell down
And the shoppers all stood round and clapped 👏🏼
*********
He tried braces the very next day
He tried braces the very next day
At least then nobody could say
He tried braces the very next day
At least then nobody could say
We've seen what you've got
He tried braces the very next day
At least then nobody could say
We've seen what you've got
(Which was rather a lot)
He tried braces the very next day
At least then nobody could say
We've seen what you've got
(Which was rather a lot)
But we'll never tell -OKAY?
An air stewardess name of Polly
An air stewardess name of Polly
Sampled her wares and got jolly
An air stewardess name of Polly
Sampled her wares and got jolly
but some lout in first class
An air stewardess name of Polly
Sampled her wares and got jolly
but some lout in first class
Chatted up the wee lass
An air stewardess name of Polly
Sampled her wares and got jolly
but some lout in first class
Chatted up the wee lass
Who clouted him with a tray from her trolley
A studious Hindu from Darjeeling
A studious Hindu from Darjeeling
Could never talk about his feelings
A studious Hindu from Darjeeling
Could never talk about his feelings
He locked them inside
A studious Hindu from Darjeeling
Could never talk about his feelings
He locked them inside
But felt lonely, so tried
A studious Hindu from Darjeeling
Could never talk about his feelings
He locked them inside
But felt lonely, so tried
To write them on people's ceilings
A wily MP from South Wales
A wily MP from South Wales
Avoiding the rain and the gales
A wily MP from South Wales
Avoiding the rain and the gales
Popped into a strip club
Thinking it was a pub
A wily MP from South Wales
Avoiding the rain and the gales
Popped into a strip club
Thinking it was a pub
Oh dear! The strippers were males!
A man coming home one dark night
A man coming home one dark night
Heard some noises that gave him a fright
A man coming home one dark night
Heard some noises that gave him a fright
He called for his dog - named ranger
A man coming home one dark night
Heard some noises that gave him a fright
He called for his dog - named ranger
Fearing some terrible danger
A man coming home one dark night
Heard some noises that gave him a fright
He called for his dog- named ranger
Fearing some terrible danger
But it was our Betty ..as high as a kite
You need to add a starter line Scrumpy.
The search went up for Betty's teeth
The search went up for Betty's teeth
On top of the dresser and beneath
The search went up for Betty's teeth
On top of the dresser and beneath
She sat on a chair,
The search went up for Betty's teeth
On top of the dresser and beneath
She sat on a chair
and something did bite her there
Quote from: Scrumpy on April 20, 2023, 11:23:18 AMThe search went up for Betty's teeth
On top of the dresser and beneath
She sat on a chair
and something did bite her there
SO she she took the bus to Leith
No-one could find where Freddie hid them
No-one could find where Freddie hid them
Were they in a pocket, or tucked into a hem
No-one could find where Freddie hid them
Were they in a pocket, or tucked into a hem
I checked his turn ups and his socks
No-one could find where Freddie hid them
Were they in a pocket, or tucked into a hem
I checked his turn ups and his socks
Even threatened to cut his locks
No-one could find where Freddie hid them
Were they in a pocket, or tucked into a hem
I checked his turn ups and his socks
Even threatened to cut his locks
Under the mat was where he slid them!
**********
A young politician named Nic
A young politician named Nic
was known for a scurrilous trick
A young politician named Nic
was known for a scurrilous trick
Where was the cash?
A young politician named Nic
was known for a scurrilous trick
Where was the cash?
To just take it was rash.
A young politician named Nic
was known for a scurrilous trick
Where was the cash?
To just take it was rash.
And proved he was ever so thick
A dog loving woman named Pearl
Nic was meant to be a woman Mike, I thought being in Scotland you'd get who I meant? 😊
A dog loving woman named Pearl
Tried to catch the eye of an Earl
I was being obtuse - something at which I am quite good :cry:
A dog loving woman named Pearl
Tried to catch the eye of an Earl
But the wise old peer
A dog loving woman named Pearl
Tried to catch the eye of an Earl
But the wise old peer
said ' Not in this house my dear'
A dog loving woman named Pearl
Tried to catch the eye of an Earl
But the wise old peer
said ' Not in this house my dear'
which made her blow wave curl
A lazy young tyke from the Mersey
A lazy young tyke from the Mersey
Couldn't be bothered to put on a jersey
A lazy young tyke from the Mersey
Couldn't be bothered to put on a jersey
So he wore a string vest
A lazy young tyke from the Mersey
Couldn't be bothered to put on a jersey
So he wore a string vest
And became a real pest
A lazy young tyke from the Mersey
Couldn't be bothered to put on a jersey
So he wore a string vest
And became a real pest
And claimed that his name was Fred Percy
A foolish young fellow from Rome
Were you interrupted klondike? 😉
A foolish young fellow from Rome
Was lost and a long way from home
A foolish young fellow from Rome
Was lost and a long way from home
He searched around for a map
Don't recall what happened there Mac but I've removed the half post now.
V=A foolish young fellow from Rome
Was lost and a long way from home
He searched around for a map
sat down for a nap
A foolish young fellow from Rome
Was lost and a long way from home
He searched around for a map
sat down for a nap
As all he could find was his comb
A scruffy old tramp from Killarney
A scruffy old tramp from Killarney
Was usually found having a barney
A scruffy old tramp from Killarney
Was usually found having a barney
He'd rant and he'd rage
A scruffy old tramp from Killarney
Found himself involved in a barney
No Mike. It's construct a limerick line by line not deconstruct one :grin:
A scruffy old tramp from Killarney
Was usually found having a barney
He'd rant and he'd rage
About getting no wage
A scruffy old tramp from Killarney
Was usually found having a barney
He'd rant and he'd rage
About getting no wage
Just a cup of tea and a sarnie.
**********
The name of the old tramp was Sean
The name of the old tramp was Sean
He walked through the night until morn
The name of the old tramp was Sean
He walked through the night until morn
His shoes had no soles
The name of the old tramp was Sean
He walked through the night until morn
His shoes had no soles
His socks were all holes
The name of the old tramp was Sean
He walked through the night until morn
His shoes had no soles
His socks were all holes
And his clothes were all tattered and torn
there once was a man from Madrid
There once was a man from Madrid
Who ran from the coppers and hid
There once was a man from Madrid
Who ran from the coppers and hid
all the money he'd nicked
There once was a man from Madrid
Who ran from the coppers and hid
all the money he'd nicked
From pockets he'd picked
There once was a man from Madrid
Who ran from the coppers and hid
all the money he'd nicked
From pockets he'd picked
Only amounted to twenty-five quid
A foolish young lady from Salford
A foolish young lady from Salford
Was feeing so desperately bored
I wish she'd have come from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch that would have rhymed easier
A foolish young lady from Salford
Was feeing so desperately bored
That she turne to her mam
A foolish young lady from Salford
Was feeling so desperately bored
That she turned to her mam
said 'Shall we have chips with our Spam'?
A foolish young lady from Salford
Was feeling so desperately bored
That she turned to her mam
said 'Shall we have chips with our Spam'?
Who shouted Yes please. Praise the Lord.
My mammy sat me on her knee
My mammy sat me on her kne
I was quite small for twenty three
My mammy sat me on her knee
I was quite small for twenty three
Now Brenda lass I have to say
My mammy sat me on her knee
I was quite small for twenty three
Now Brenda lass I have to say
I want to get down and play
My mammy sat me on her knee
I was quite small for twenty three
Now Brenda lass I have to say
'Don't let Harry have his way'
My mammy sat me on her knee
I was quite small for twenty three
Now Brenda lass I have to say
'Don't let Harry have his way'
That lad thinks everything is free!
There was once was a cunning old Norse
There was once was a cunning old Norse
Who owned an ancient fleabag of a horse
There was once was a cunning old Norse
Who owned an ancient fleabag of a horse
When riding to war
There was once was a cunning old Norse
Who owned an ancient fleabag of a horse
When riding to war
By prayed nobody saw
There was once was a cunning old Norse
Who owned an ancient fleabag of a horse
When riding to war
He prayed nobody saw
How he flogged the poor beastie with force
A dashing young belle of the ball
A dashing young belle of the ball
Was maybe a little too tall
A dashing young belle of the ball
Was maybe a little too tall
At six foot three
A dashing young belle of the ball
Was maybe a little too tall
At six foot three
With a gammy knee
good morning, granny
A dashing young belle of the ball
Was maybe a little too tall
At six foot three
With a gammy knee
She was sure to head for a fall
An elegant fellow named Claude
An elegant fellow named Claude
Spent far more than he could afford
An elegant fellow named Claude
Spent far more than he could afford
His wife wailed 'we're broke'
An elegant fellow named Claude
Spent far more than he could afford
His wife wailed 'we're broke'
Claude replied in a croak
An elegant fellow named Claude
Spent far more than he could afford
His wife wailed 'we're broke'
Claude replied in a croak
We'll just have to trust in the Lord!
Whilst driving his cattle to market
Whilst driving his cattle to market
Freddie popped in to see Mavis in Barnet
Whilst driving his cattle to market
Freddie popped in to see Mavis in Barnet
He popped in for a cuppa
Whilst driving his cattle to market
Freddie popped in to see Mavis in Barnet
He popped in for a cuppa
But was still there at supper
Whilst driving his cattle to market
Freddie popped in to see Mavis in Barnet
He popped in for a cuppa
But was still there at supper
When hubby came home - oh darn it!
A very keen angler from Montrose
A very keen angler from Montrose
Took his chances on growing a Pinoccio nose
A very keen angler from Montrose
Took his chances on growing a Pinocchio nose
He said 'Mine's as big as THIS'
A very keen angler from Montrose
Took his chances on growing a Pinocchio nose
He said "Mine's as big as THIS"
She said "Don't you wish?"
A very keen angler from Montrose
Took his chances on growing a Pinocchio nose
He said "Mine's as big as THIS"
She said "Don't you wish?
That yours were as big as my marrows?"
A coconut seller from France
A coconut seller from France
Liked to sing and liked to dance
A coconut seller from France
Liked to sing and liked to dance
His cute Palais glide
A coconut seller from France
Liked to sing and liked to dance
His cute Palais glide
Got the ladies on side
A coconut seller from France
Liked to sing and liked to dance
His cute Palais glide
Got the ladies on side
So he thought he was in with a chance
A foolish young fellow from Perth
A foolish young fellow from Perth
Found a bomb when digging the earth
A foolish young fellow from Perth
Found a bomb when digging the earth
He poked it with a stick
A foolish young fellow from Perth
Found a bomb when digging the earth
He poked it with a stick
it started to tick 💣
A foolish young fellow from Perth
Found a bomb when digging the earth
He poked it with a stick
it started to tick
He now lives in Brighton, Oxford and Wandsworth
April 29, 2023, 10:30:55 AM
Today our Sally gets wed
Today our Sally gets wed
I'm not sure she's right in the head
Today our Sally gets wed
I'm not sure she's right in the head
She wants to wear black
Today our Sally gets wed
I'm not sure she's right in the head
She wants to wear black
With her head in a sack
Today our Sally gets wed
I'm not sure she's right in the head
She wants to wear black
With her head in a sack
So she can send her sister instead
There once was a man of the cloth
There once was a man of the cloth
Who only ate apples and broth
There once was a man of the cloth
Who only ate apples and broth
Despite this meager fast
there once was a man of the cloth
Who only ate apples and broth
Despite this meagre fast
He was rather large around the a*se
Quote from: Scrumpy on April 29, 2023, 10:22:01 AMA foolish young fellow from Perth
Found a bomb when digging the earth
He poked it with a stick
it started to tick
He now lives in Brighton, Oxford and Wandsworth
:smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: Very good team
There once was a man of the cloth
Who only ate apples and broth
Despite this meagre fast
He was rather large around the arse
And couldn't keep up with a sloth
The good vicar of the village of Morton
The good vicar of the village of Morton
Rode to church on his favourite Norton
The good vicar of the village of Morton
Rode to church on his favourite Norton
The exhaust was so loud
The good vicar of the village of Morton
Rode to church on his favourite Norton
The exhaust was so loud
It attracted a crowd
The good vicar of the village of Morton
Rode to church on his favourite Norton
The exhaust was so loud
It attracted a crowd
From as far as Salford and Gorton
*********
A woman from Barnsley named Lil
A woman from Barnsley named Lil
Exclaimed 'No, I'm not over the hill
A woman from Barnsley named Lil
Exclaimed 'No, I'm not over the hill
Half my teeth are my own
A woman from Barnsley named Lil
Exclaimed 'No, I'm not over the hill
Half my teeth are my own
the others are on loan
A woman from Barnsley named Lil
Exclaimed 'No, I'm not over the hill
Half my teeth are my own
The others on loan
Until I pay off the bill
I had to call the police today
I had to call the police today
To tell them what I want to say
I had to call the police today
To tell them what I want to say
A scallywag has just pinched my gnome
I had to call the police today
To tell them what I want to say
A scallywag has just pinched my gnome
And half the lawn which was home grown
I had to call the police today
To tell them what I want to say
A scallywag has just pinched my gnome
And half the lawn which was home grown
They gave me a number so the insurance will pay
Mable and Agnes went to the fair
Mable and Agnes went to the fair
Hand in hand as a loving pair
Mable and Agnes went to the fair
Hand in hand as a loving pair
Ignoring the insults of rude little tykes
Mabel and Agnes went to the fair
Hand in hand as a loving pair
Ignoring the insults of rude little tykes
Who called them names like lezzers and dikes
Mabel and Agnes went to the fair
Hand in hand as a loving pair
Ignoring the insults of rude little tykes
Who called them names like lezzers and dikes
Until Mabel kicked one up the bum and Agnes pulled his hair
The Bishop phoned up Father Billy
The Bishop phoned up Father Billy
He said 'I've done something rather silly'
The Bishop phoned up Father Billy
He said 'I've done something rather silly'
I've mislaid my mitre
The Bishop phoned up Father Billy
He said 'I've done something rather silly'
I've mislaid my mitre
And my cassock feels tighter
The Bishop phoned up Father Billy
He said 'I've done something rather silly'
I've mislaid my mitre
And my cassock feels tighter
And the collar is much too frilly
A lazy young fellow from Dover
A lazy young fellow from Dover
With a mangy old fleabag named Rover
A lazy young fellow from Dover
With a mangy old fleabag named Rover
Set his cur on a tramp
A lazy young fellow from Dover
With a mangy old fleabag named Rover
Set his cur on a tramp
Who lashed out with his gamp
A lazy young fellow from Dover
With a mangy old fleabag named Rover
Set his cur on a tramp
Who lashed out with his gamp
Which made the poor dog roll over
A luckless young lady from Madrid
A luckless young lady from Madrid
Dropped her purse and lost a quid
A luckless young lady from Madrid
Dropped her purse and lost a quid
Now she said I'll need Euros
A luckless young lady from Madrid
Dropped her purse and lost a quid
Now she said I'll need Euros
There are some in my bureau
A luckless young lady from Madrid
Dropped her purse and lost a quid
Now she said I'll need Euros
There are some in my bureau
But someone has nailed down the lid.
An ernest young suitor from Frome
An ernest young suitor from Frome
Hoped one day to be a young groom
An ernest young suitor from Frome
Hoped one day to be a young groom
With hope in his heart ♥️
An earnest young suitor from Frome
Hoped one day to be a groom
With hope in his heart
He visited the Mart
GrannyMac.. where did you find the heart symbol.?
An earnest young suitor from Frome
Hoped one day to be a groom
With hope in his heart
He visited the Mart
And took a big diamond ring home
Brian drove home drunk from 'spoons
Brian drove home drunk from 'spoons
Hoping to call in some boons
Brian drove home drunk from 'spoons
Hoping to call in some boons
He saw the traffic lights were red
Brian drove home drunk from 'spoons
Hoping to call in some boons
He saw the traffic lights were red
He didn't care, through the lights he sped
Brian drove home drunk from 'spoons
Hoping to call in some boons
He saw the traffic lights were red
He didn't care, through the lights he sped
Like something out of Crazy Toons!
A careless young man from Andover
A careless young man from Andover
Bought himself an expensive new Rover
A careless young man from Andover
Bought himself an expensive new Rover
It was painted dark green
A careless young man from Andover
Bought himself an expensive new Rover
It was painted dark green
In a shade rarely seen
A careless young man from Andover
Bought himself an expensive new Rover
It was painted dark green
In a shade rarely seen
With motifs of roses and clover
*********
A young lad from Bath name of Tim
A young lad from Bath name of Tim
Wore fetching check trews on a whim
A young lad from Bath name of Tim
Wore fetching check trews on a whim
when asked was it tartan
A young lad from Bath name of Tim
Wore fetching check trews on a whim
when asked was it tartan
Replied 'i am a Martian'
A young lad from Bath name of Tim
Wore fetching check trews on a whim
when asked was it tartan
Replied 'i am a Martian'
A lie that came easily to him
There was a fair maiden of Perth
There was a fair maiden of Perth
Who developed a bit of a girth
There was a fair maiden of Perth
Who developed a bit of a girth
When asked why this was
There was a fair maiden of Perth
Who developed a bit of a girth
When asked why this was
Replied 'its because
There was a fair maiden of Perth
Who developed a bit of a girth
When asked why this was
Replied 'its because
I love pies for all I'm worth
Your money or your wife cried Dick
Your money or your wife cried Dick
'life' you mean shouted Rick
Your money or your wife cried Dick
'life' you mean shouted Rick
'Looking at yours you could be right 'said Mick
Your money or your wife cried Dick
'Life' you mean shouted Rick
'Looking at yours you could be right' said Mick
'Please take mine' pleaded Nick Sorry everyone..
Please shut the gate the notice said
Please shut the gate the notice said
As Jimmy stood and scratched his head
Please shut the gate the notice said
As Jimmy stood and scratched his head
A bull saw red, it's head went down
Please shut the gate the notice said
As Jimmy stood and scratched his head
A bull saw red, it's head went down
And it thought I'll have him the clown
Please shut the gate the notice said
As Jimmy stood and scratched his head
A bull saw red, it's head went down
And it thought I'll have him the clown
Now Jimmy's well and truly dead.
**********
An old woman called Maggie from Fife
An old woman called Maggie from Fife
Tried to lead a blameless life
An old woman called Maggie from Fife
Tried to lead a blameless life
She never uttered a single curse
An old woman called Maggie from Fife
Tried to lead a blameless life
She never uttered a single curse
A took up a job as a nurse
An old woman called Maggie from Fife
Tried to lead a blameless life
She never uttered a single curse
And took up a job as a nurse
But protected her virtue with a kitchen knife
Vandals have let down all my tyres
Vandals have let down all my tyres
No-one is responsible .. bloody liars
Vandals have let down all my tyres
No-one is responsible .. bloody liars
That scruffy lad from eighty-four
Vandals have let down all my tyres
No-one is responsible..bloody liars
That scruffy lad from eighty-four
I'm sure he smirked as he passed my door
Vandals have let down all my tyres
No-one is responsible..bloody liars
That scruffy lad from eighty-four
I'm sure he smirked as he passed my door
And now he's lighting a stinking bonfire!
************
I love a biscuit with my tea
I love a biscuit with my tea
But never mind me - how about thee?
I love a biscuit with my tea
But never mind me - how about thee?
Garibaldis they will do.
I love a biscuit with my tea
But never mind me - how about thee?
Garibaldis they will do.
I'll help myself to just a few
I love a biscuit with my tea
But never mind me - how about thee?
Garibaldis they will do.
I'll help myself to just a few
One or two, or even three.
&&&&&&&&&&
The Co op was her favourite store
The Co op was her favourite store
It's divi kept her from being poor
The Co op was her favourite store
It's divi kept her from being poor.
She'd arrive in her Humber,
The Co op was her favourite store
It's divi kept her from being poor.
She'd arrive in her Humber
Clean and shiny with a personalised number
The Co op was her favourite store
It's divi kept her from being poor.
She'd arrive in her Humber
Clean and shiny with a personalised number
Andd buy up all that she saw
A timid young vicar from Kent
A timid young vicar from Kent
Took his camera wherever he went,
A timid young vicar from Kent
Took his camera wherever he went,
But the pictures he took
A timid young vicar from Kent
Took his camera wherever he went,
But the pictures he took
Had an odd sort of look
A timid young vicar from Kent
Took his camera wherever he went,
But the pictures he took
Had an odd sort of look
No matter wherever he went
A reclusive young fellow from Brum
A reclusive young fellow from Brum
Hid in his room with a guitar to strum
A reclusive young fellow from Brum
Hid in his room with a guitar to strum
But losing a string
A reclusive young fellow from Brum
Hid in his room with a guitar to strum
But losing a string
made his fingers sting
A reclusive young fellow from Brum
Hid in his room with a guitar to strum
But losing a string
made his fingers sting
So, music there was none
Wally drove the midnight train
Wally drove the midnight train
though lack of sleep fuddled his brain
Wally drove the midnight train
Though lack of sleep befuddled his brain
Is that station one where we stop?
Wally drove the midnight train
Though lack of sleep befuddled his brain
Is that station one where we stop?
Hang on, we'll ask that cop
Wally drove the midnight train
Though lack of sleep befuddled his brain
Is that station one where we stop?
Hang on, we'll ask that cop
No, we'll have to go round again.
**********
There's a woman up the road
There's a woman up the road
With a warty nose and big pet toad
There's a woman up the road
With a warty nose and big pet toad
She only comes out when it is dark
There's a woman up the road
With a warty nose and big pet toad
She only comes out when it is dark
Creeping around our local park
There's a woman up the road
With a warty nose and big pet toad
She only comes out when it is dark
Creeping around our local park
Thank heaven its not in our road
A foolish young fellow from Bootle
A foolish young fellow from Bootle
Wrote poetry that was pretty brutal
A foolish young fellow from Bootle
Wrote poetry that was pretty brutal
His so caustic rhymes
A foolish young fellow from Bootle
Wrote poetry that was pretty brutal
His so caustic rhymes
Were a sign of the times
A foolish young fellow from Bootle
Wrote poetry that was pretty brutal
His so caustic rhymes
Were a sign of the times
And also terribly futile
An unhappy young maiden from Leicester
An unhappy young maiden from Leicester
Allowed her resentment to fester
A unhappy maiden from Leicester
Allowed her resentment to fester
She yearned for a man
A unhappy maiden from Leicester
Allowed her resentment to fester
She yearned for a man
And worked on her tan
A unhappy maiden from Leicester
Allowed her resentment to fester
She yearned for a man
And worked on her tan
But still nobody would date her
The happy farmer went out for a walk
The happy farmer went out for a walk
He met an old cow and they did talk
The happy farmer went out for a walk
He met an old cow and they did talk
On the weather and why it was cold
The happy farmer went out for a walk
He met an old cow and they did talk
On the weather and why it was cold
And how it affected the old
And made the rooster squawk!
**********
An aging rock drummer named Mick
An aging rock drummer named Mick
Whose false teeth had developed a click
An aging rock drummer named Mick
Whose false teeth had developed a click
set them down on his chair
An aging rock drummer named Mick
Whose false teeth had developed a click
Set them down on his chair
And they chomped on his hair
An aging rock drummer named Mick
Whose false teeth had developed a click
Set them down on his chair
And they chomped on his hair
So he leapt in air - what a trick!
A miserable old git from Penzance
A miserable old git from Penzance
Decided he should learn to dance
A miserable old git from Penzance
Decided he should learn to dance
So he trippied the light fantastic
A miserable old git from Penzance
Decided he should learn to dance
So he tripped the light fantastic
But sadly his elastic
A miserable old git from Penzance
Decided he should learn how to dance
So he tripped the light fantastic
But sadly his elastic
Snapped so down came his pants
The vicar berated his intemperate flock
The vicar berated his intemperate flock
who drank at all hours of the clock
The vicar berated his intemperate flock
who drank at all hours of the clock
Beer wine and sherry
The vicar berated his intemperate flock
who drank at all hours of the clock
Beer wine and sherry
Rendered them all quite merry
The vicar berated his intemperate flock
who drank at all hours of the clock
Beer wine and sherry
Rendered them all quite merry
And Bill danced around in his frock
Duncan played a merry jig
Duncan played a merry jig
And got them dancing at his gig
Duncan played a merry jig
And got them dancing at his gig
The Gordons were gay
Duncan played a merry jig
And got them dancing at his gig
The Gordons were gay
And so was old May
Duncan played a merry jig
And got them dancing at his gig
The Gordons were gay
And so was old May
But Hamish was sick as a pig
There once was an elegant lord
There once was an elegant lord
Who drove a battered old Ford
There once was an elegant lord
Who drove a battered old Ford
this dreadful old banger
There once was an elegant lord
Who drove a battered old Ford
This dreadful old banger
Was worth less than a tanner
There once was an elegant lord
Who drove a battered old Ford
This dreadful old banger
Was worth less than a tanner
But was all that the Lord could afford
A nervous young lady from Poole
A nervous young lady from Poole
Had a boyfriend who was clearly a fool
A nervous young lady from Poole
Had a boyfriend who was clearly a fool
When they went out to eat
A nervous young lady from Poole
Had a boyfriend who was clearly a fool
When they went out to eat
He wouldn't touch meat
A nervous young lady from Poole
Had a boyfriend who was clearly a fool
When they went out to eat
He wouldn't touch meat
Then leaned back and fell off his stool
The actress said to the Reverend Billy
The actress said to the Reverend Billy
'I'm not that sort of girl' silly'
The actress said to the Reverend Billy
'I'm not that sort of girl' silly'
So don't try it on
The actress said to the Reverend Billy
'I'm not that sort of girl' silly'
So don't try it on
Or you'll find me gone
The actress said to the Reverend Billy
'I'm not that sort of girl' silly'
So don't try it on
Or you'll find me gone
As I gallop away on my filly
A dim-witted fellow from Cork
A dim-witted fellow from Cork
Ate little but cabbage and pork
A dim-witted fellow from Cork
Ate little but cabbage and pork
The result of this fare
A dim-witted fellow from Cork
Ate little but cabbage and pork
The result of this fare
Was fetid air
A dim-witted fellow from Cork
Ate little but cabbage and pork
The result of this fare
Was fetid air
Which caused all the village to talk
A dashing young airman from Crewe
A dashing young airman from Crewe
Took off with a buckled airscrew
A dashing young airman from Crewe
Took off with a buckled airscrew
As it damaged the cowl
A dashing young airman from Crewe
Took off with a buckled airscrew
As it damaged the cowl
He started to scowl
A dashing young airman from Crewe
Took off with a buckled airscrew
As it damaged the cowl
He started to scowl
As it stopped him from drinking his brew
A bad-tempered doctor from Leicester
A bad tempered doctor from Leicester
Had a cut that was starting to fester
A bad tempered doctor from Leicester
Had a cut that was starting to fester
So he called for his nurse
A bad tempered doctor from Leicester
Had a cut that was starting to fester
So he called for his nurse
But she made it worse!
A bad tempered doctor from Leicester
Had a cut that was starting to fester
So he called for his nurse
But she made it worse!
So the police came round to arrest her!
A timid young lady named Jill
A timid young lady named Jill
Was dismayed by her telephone bill
A timid young lady named Jill
Was dismayed by her telephone bill
So she took up e-mailing
A timid young lady named Jill
Was dismayed by her telephone bill
So she took up emailing
Which stopped her from wailing
A timid young lady named Jill
Was dismayed by her telephone bill
So she took up emailing
Which stopped her from wailing
Of the telephone she had now had her fill
A cunning young rascal for Cardiff
A cunning young rascal from Cardiff
Found an easy old fellow to stiff
A cunning young rascal from Cardiff
Found an easy old fellow to stiff
As he went through his wallet
Looks like everybody is stumped finding an appropriate rhyme for wallet. Cardiff was tricky too. Maybe a different third line Mike?
How about
A cunning young rascal from Cardiff
Found an easy old fellow to stiff
As he went through his pockets
A cunning young rascal from Cardiff
Found an easy old fellow to stiff
As he went through his pockets
He stole some gold lockets
A cunning young rascal from Cardiff
Found an easy old fellow to stiff
As he went through his pockets
He stole some gold lockets
And tossed them over a cliff
There once was a young man from Rome
There once was a young man from Rome
Who travelled a long way from home
There once was a young man from Rome
Who travelled a long way from home
While walking through Bicester
There once was a young man from Rome
Who travelled a long way from home
While walking through Bicester
He met up with his sister
There once was a young man from Rome
Who travelled a long way from home
While walking through Bicester
He met up with his sister
Who tidied his hair with a comb.
**********
A jigsaw fanatic, Denise
A jigsaw fanatic, Denise
Saw red when missing a piece
A jigsaw fanatic, Denise
Saw red when missing a piece
She looked high and low
A jigsaw fanatic, Denise
Saw red when missing a piece
She looked high and low
But gave up full of woe
A jigsaw fanatic, Denise
Saw red when missing a piece
She looked high and low
But gave up full of woe
And blames it all on her niece
A trevelling salesman from Chester
A travelling salesman from Chester
Liked to have a daily siesta
A travelling salesman from Chester
Liked to have a daily siesta
From noon until three
A travelling salesman from Chester
Liked to have a daily siesta
From noon until three
Then up for a pee
A travelling salesman from Chester
Liked to have a daily siesta
From noon until three
Then up for a pee
before heading away to Leicester
There was an old trooper from Duxford
There was an old trooper from Duxford
Who marched all the way into Oxford
here was an old trooper from Duxford
Who marched all the way into Oxford
Which blistered his feet something awful
There was an old trooper from Duxford
Who marched all the way into Oxford
Which blistered his feet
So they looked like raw meat
There was an old trooper from Duxford
Who marched all the way into Oxford
Which blistered his feet
So they looked like raw meat
So he soaked them in brine which was all he could afford
There once once was an honest MP
There once once was an honest MP
Which may sound unlikely to thee
here once once was an honest MP
Which may sound unlikely to thee
But strange as it seems
There once once was an honest MP
Which may sound unlikely to thee
But strange as it seems
He had no dodgy schemes
There once once was an honest MP
Which may sound unlikely to thee
But strange as it seems
He had no dodgy schemes
Not even seeking a fee
A mutinous fellahin crew from Bombay
A mutinous fellahin crew from Bombay
Declared they'd only sail for more pay
A mutinous fellahin crew from Bombay
Declared they'd only sail for more pay
but their ship sprung a leak
A mutinous fellahin crew from Bombay
Declared they'd only sail for more pay
But their ship sprung a leak
And they were laid off for a week
A mutinous fellahin crew from Bombay
Declared they'd only sail for more pay
But their ship sprung a leak
And they were laid off for a week
But they soon oulived their stay
Moaning Minnie from Lancs
Moaning Minnie from Lancs
Never ever trusted banks
Moaning Minnie from Lancs
Never ever trusted banks
So kept her cash in a box
Moaning Minnie from Lancs
Never ever trusted banks
So kept her cash in a box
In a drawer with her socks
Moaning Minnie from Lancs
Never ever trusted banks
So kept her cash in a box
In a drawer with her socks
Which she bought from a couple of Yanks
Little Jack Horner wouldn't sit in the corner
Little Jack Horner wouldn't sit in the corner
He wanted to sit with his friend Dora
Little Jack Horner wouldn't sit in the corner
He wanted to sit with his friend Dora
But teacher said 'No!'
Little Jack Horner wouldn't sit in the corner
He wanted to sit with his friend Dora
But teacher said 'No!'
'Or out you must go'
Little Jack Horner wouldn't sit in the corner
He wanted to sit with his friend Dora
But teacher said 'No!'
'Or out you must go'
So Jack made eyes at young Laura
A miserly couple from Dunoon
A miserly couple from Dunoon
Were out saving electric under the moon
A miserly couple from Dunoon
Were out saving electric under the moon
Their keys they forgot
A misery couple from Dunoon
Were out saving electric under the moon
Their keys they forgot
Into the house they could not
A miserly couple from Dunoon
Were out saving electric under the moon
Their keys they forgot
Into the house they could not
And were locked out til mid afternoon
Bill's lawn looked more weeds than grass
Bill's lawn looked more weeds than grass
And dandelions were growing fast
Bill's lawn looked more weeds than grass
And dandelions were growing fast
So he borrowed a sheep
Bill's lawn looked more weeds than grass
And dandelions were growing fast
So he borrowed a sheep
Which soon earned its keep
Bill's lawn looked more weeds than grass
And dandelions were growing fast
So he borrowed a sheep
Which soon earned its keep
As the time for mint sauce was long past
A loveable rogue name of Jim
A loveable rogue name of Jim
Whose favourite tipple was gin
A loveable rogue name of Jim
Whose favourite tipple was gin
Once stopped at a pub
A loveable rogue name of Jim
Who's favourite tipple was gin
Once stopped at a pub
For a game of darts and some grub
A loveable rogue name of Jim
Who's favourite tipple was gin
Once stopped at a pub
For a game of darts and some grub
A meat pie, two pints, and a win!
**********
A clever young lady from Wales
A clever young lady from Wales
Wed a 94yr old millionaire from the Dales
A clever young lady from Wales
Wed a 94yr old millionaire from the Dales
When asked for her reason
A clever young lady from Wales
Wed a 94yr old millionaire from the Dales
When asked for her reason
She replied they are legion
A clever young lady from Wales
Wed a 94yr old millionaire from the Dales
When asked for her reason
She replied they are legion
and the money helps when all else fails
Billy worked the barrows selling loads of tat
Billy worked the barrows selling loads of tat
From Instamatic cameras to a battered bowler hat
Billy worked the barrows selling loads of tat
From Instamatic cameras to a battered bowler hat
He said it all was 'Pukka'.. and 'Kosher' he said too
Billy worked the barrows selling loads of tat
From Instamatic cameras to a battered bowler hat
He said it all was 'Pukka'.. and 'Kosher' he said too
While underneath the barrow the magazines were blue
Billy worked the barrows selling loads of tat
From Instamatic cameras to a battered bowler hat
He said it all was 'Pukka'.. and 'Kosher' he said too
While underneath the barrow the magazines were blue
But he needed the money to feed his large cat
While locked in a cell to serve out his time
While locked in his cell to serve out his time
Smiffy was told to 'reflect on his crime'
While locked in his cell to serve out his time
Smiffy was told to 'reflect on his crime'
He claimed he'd been framed
While locked in his cell to serve out his time
Smiffy was told to 'reflect on his crime'
He claimed he'd been framed
Someone else should be blamed
While locked in his cell to serve out his time
Smiffy was told to 'reflect on his crime'
He claimed he'd been framed
Someone else should be blamed
But the staff just laughed all the time
There was a poor widow from Trent
There was a poor widow from Trent
Who set her cap at a wealthy old gent
There was a poor widow from Trent
Who set her cap at a wealthy old gent
She hitched up her skirt
There was a poor widow from Trent
Who set her cap at a wealthy old gent
She hitched up her skirt
And started to flirt
There was a poor widow from Trent
Who set her cap at a wealthy old gent
She hitched up her skirt
And started to flirt
Then out on a date the happy pair went
Bill set out for the seaside on a train
Bill set out for the seaside on a train
Lost his ticket and couldn't explain
Bill set out for the seaside on a train
Lost his ticket and couldn't explain
He got turfed off at Reading
Bill set out for the seaside on a train
Lost his ticket and couldn't explain
He got turfed off at Reading
Were he quite lost his heading
Bill set out for the seaside on a train
Lost his ticket and couldn't explain
He got turfed off at Reading
Were he quite lost his heading
And lamented his age addled brain
When Tim got up the other day
When Tim got up the other day
He found that a lodger had come to stay
When Tim got up the other day
He found that a lodger had come to stay
It had long, long legs and eyes of green
When Tim got up the other day
He found that a lodger had come to stay
It had long, long legs and eyes of green
Was it male, female or in between?
When Tim got up the other day
He found that a lodger had come to stay
It had long, long legs and eyes of green
Was it male, female or in between?
No, it was a Martian come to prey!
An elegant young man from Belfast
An elegant young man from Belfast
Really hoped his romance would last
An elegant young man from Belfast
Really hoped his romance would last
But his hope was in vain
An elegant young man from Belfast
Really hoped his romance would last
But his hope was in vain
When he dropped the ring down the drain
An elegant young man from Belfast
Really hoped his romance would last
But his hope was in vain
When he dropped the ring down the drain
So he went on a seven day fast
His family though Tom quite a clot
His family though Tom quite a clot
He really did talk mostly rot
His family though Tom quite a clot
He really did talk mostly rot
On subjects obscure
though his intentions were pure
His family thought Tom quite a clot
He really did talk mostly rot
On subjects obscure
Though his intentions were pure
But not when it came to our Dot
The old folks home went on a trip
The old folks home went on a trip
The charabanc setting off at quite a clip
The old folks home went on a trip
The charabanc setting off at quite a clip
Shame about the red light
The old folks home went on a trip
The charabanc setting off at quite a clip
Shame about the red light
Speeding through it gave Bessy a fright
The old folks home went on a trip
The charabanc setting off at quite a clip
Shame about the red light
Speeding through it gave Bessy a fright
Even worse, Harry broke his left hip!
**********
T'was a hot summers day down in Rhyl
T'was a hot summers day down in Rhyl
And Jennifer felt rather ill
T'was a hot summers day down in Rhyl
And Jennifer felt rather ill
Some seafood she'd had
T'was a hot summers day down in Rhyl
And Jennifer felt rather ill
Some seafood she'd had
Must have been bad
'Twas a hot summers day down in Rhyl
And Jennifer felt rather ill
Some seafood she'd had
Must have been bad
For days she was sick and felt chills
**********
Peter's garden was in a state
Peter's garden was in a state
Full of weeds and broken gate
Peter's garden was in a state
Full of weeds and broken gate
But Peter cared not a jot
Peter's garden was in a state
Full of weeds and broken gate
But Peter cared not a jot
For in that garden he grew his pot
Peter's garden was in a state
Full of weeds and broken gate
But Peter cared not a jot
For in that garden he grew his pot
Which he happily smoked wih his best mate
**********
There's a lot going on at ITV
There's a lot going on at ITV
That Schofield creep and Willoughby
There's a lot going on at ITV
That Schofield creep and Willoughby
He's finished, done
There's a lot going on at ITV
That Schofield creep and Willoughby
He's finished, done
So no more fun
There's a lot going on at ITV
That Schofield creep and Willoughby
He's finished, done
So no more fun
They've had to vacate the settee.
***********
An elderly gent name of Mick
An elderly gent name of Mick
Was known to be somewhat thick
An elderly gent name of Mick
Was known to be somewhat thick
His diet was plain
An elderly gent name of Mick
Was known to be somewhat thick
His diet was plain
Just fish from the main
An elderly gent name of Mick
Was known to be somewhat thick
His diet was plain
Just fish in the main
Which he let is pussy cat lick
A lazy old man from Saint Ives
A lazy old man from Saint Ives
Believed he had several wives
A lazy old man from Saint Ives
Believed he had several wives
He had Val down the road
A lazy old man from Saint Ives
Believed he had several wives
He had Val down the road
And wild oats he sowed
A randy old man from Saint Ives
Believed he had several wives
He had six down the road
And the wild oats he sowed
Livened up all of their lives
Tracy went to the Co-Op today
Tracey went to the Co-op today
Bargain Spam was there on display
Tracey went to the Co-op today
Bargain Spam was there on display
Bypassing that she bought some whisky
Tracey went to the Co-op today
Bargain Spam was there on display
Bypassing that she bought some whisky
She likes the way it makes her frisky
racey went to the Co-op today
Bargain Spam was there on display
Bypassing that she bought some whisky
She likes the way it makes her frisky
But not how much she has to pay
There once was a copper called Bill
There once was a copper called Bill
Whose presence could give you a chill
There once was a copper called Bill
Whose presence could give you a chill
He carried a baton
There once was a copper called Bill
Whose presence could give you a chill
He carried a baton
Shouted 'Let me get at 'em'
There once was a copper called Bill
Whose presence could give you a chill
He carried a baton
Shouted 'Let me get at 'em
Cracking skulls requires all my skill
Tom loved to stroll along the shore
Tom loved to stroll along the shore
With maps and guides to places galore
Tom loved to stroll along the shore
With maps and guides to places galore
He watched the birds, he watched the waves
Tom loved to stroll along the shore
With maps and guides to places galore
He watched the birds, he watched the waves
He even ogled all the beach babes
Tom loved to stroll along the shore
With maps and guides to places galore
He watched the birds, he watched the waves
He even ogled all the beach babes
Until his eyes could see no more
**********
Mary bought a leg of lamb
Mary bought a leg of lamb
It was on special as was the ham
Mary bought a leg of lamb
It was on special as was the ham
the money she saved
Mary bought a leg of lamb
It was on special as was the ham
the money she saved
Bought the booze that she craved
Mary bought a leg of lamb
It was on special as was the ham
the money she saved
Bought the booze that she craved
Which she shared with her sister Pam
A careless young housewife from Leith
A careless young housewife from Leith
Mislaid her brand new false teeth
A careless young housewife from Leith
Mislaid her brand new false teeth
She searched everywhere
A careless young housewife from Leith
Mislaid her brand new false teeth
She searched everywhere
Ended up pulling out hair
A careless young housewife from Leith
Mislaid her brand new false teeth
She searched everywhere
Ended up pulling out hair
And blamed it on poor hubby Keith
Young Fred was a floating voter
Young Fred was a floating voter
Tories took him to vote in a big flashy motor
Young Fred was a floating voter
Tories took him to vote in a big flashy motor
But once in the booth
Young Fred was a floating voter
Tories took him to vote in a big flashy motor
But once in the booth
Out came the truth
Young Fred was a floating voter
Tories took him to vote in a big flashy motor
But once in the booth
Out came the truth
AS he put a cross were he oughter
There was a young fellow from Devizes
There was a young fellow from Devizes
Whose feet were two different sizes
There was a young fellow from Devizes
Whose feet were two different sizes
which made shopping for shoes
There was a young fellow from Devizes
Whose feet were two different sizes
Which made shopping for shoes
Bring on the blues
There was a young fellow from Devizes
Whose feet were two different sizes
Which made shopping for shoes
Bring on the blues
As he had to spend extra on prices
A lack lustre scholar at Eton
A lack lustre scholar at Eton
Each day had his backside well beaten
A lack lustre scholar at Eton
Each day had his backside well beaten
So he told his mama
A lack lustre scholar from Eton
Each day had his backside well beaten
So he told his mama
Who then told his papa
A lack lustre scholar from Eton
Each day had his backside well beaten
So he told his mama
Who then told his papa
Who said 'thats what he gets for his cheatin'
**********
An old chap from near Solihull
An old chap from near Solihull
Got crapped on by a pesky seagull
An old chap from near Solihull
Got crapped on by a pesky seagull
It was after his chips
An old chap from near Solihull
Got crapped on by a pesky seagull.
It was after his chips
And his barbecue dips
An old chap from near Solihull
Got crapped on by a pesky seagull.
It was after his chips
And his barbecue dips
When it flew off it was once again full
A nearby old codger in Sutton
A nearby old codger in Sutton
Always dined on mutton
A nearby old codger in Sutton
Always dined on mutton
With mint sauce and peas
A nearby old codger in Sutton
Always dined on mutton
With mint sauce and peas
And a strong cup of tea
A nearby old codger in Sutton
Always dined on mutton
With mint sauce and peas
And a strong cup of tea
He claimed owt else was not on
The bridegroom stood sweating in church
The bridegroom stood sweating in church
Til the bride dashed in late, from the porch
The bridegroom stood sweating in church
Til the bride dashed in late, from the porch
The best man was drunk
The bridegroom stood sweating in church
Til the bride dashed in late , from the porch
The best man was drunk
Then, with the vicar, did a bunk
The bridegroom stood sweating in church
Til the bride dashed in late , from the porch
The best man was drunk
Then, with the vicar, did a bunk
Leaving the couple in the lurch
An innocent young maid from Carlisle
An innocent young maid from Carlisle
Gave all her admirers a smile
An innocent young maid from Carlisle
Gave all her admirers a smile
But they over reacted
An innocent young maid from Carlisle
Gave all her admirers a smile
But they over reacted
and was shocked at what Sid did
An innocent young maid from Carlisle
Gave all her admirers a smile
But they over reacted
and was shocked at what Sid did
After he chased the poor girl for a mile
Boris is in a fighting mood
Boris is in a fighting mood
Someone's nicked his favourite food
Boris is in a fighting mood
Someone's nicked his favourite food
Where's my cake he cries in rage
Boris is in a fighting mood
Someone's nicked his favourite food
Where's my cake he cries in rage
But Harriet Harman gloats and says
Boris is in a fighting mood
Someone's nicked his favourite food
Where's my cake he cries in rage
But Harriet Harman gloats and says
No more cake for you've been screwed
Nicola has been pretty shrewd
Nicola has been pretty shrewd
About that campervan, which could
Nicola has been pretty shrewd
About that campervan, which could
Prove a bit of a prob
Nicola has been pretty shrewd
About that campervan, which could
Prove a bit of a prob
Cos it cost a few bob
Nicola has been pretty shrewd
About that campervan, which could
Prove a bit of a prob
Cos it cost a few bob
Allegedly fraudulently accrued
Was Rishi less chipper yesterday
Was Rishi less chipper yesterday
Because he had money to pay
Was Rishi less chipper yesterday
Because he had money to pay
A whole barge filled and more
Was Rishi less chipper yesterday
Because he had money to pay
A whole barge filled and more
Made his jaw drop down to the floor
Was Rishi less chipper yesterday
Because he had money to pay
A whole barge filled and more
Made his jaw drop down to the floor
Now what the hell will he say
Nigel predicted the boats were just waiting
Nigel predicted the boats were just waiting
The dinghies just required inflating
Nigel predicted the boats were just waiting
The dinghies just required inflating
Load 'em up then start the motor
Nigel predicted the boats were just waiting
The dinghies just required inflating
Load 'em up then start the motor
Give everyone a nice straw boater
Nigel predicted the boats were just waiting
The dinghies just required inflating
Load 'em up then start the motor
Give everyone a nice straw boater
The goods in England, they're anticipating!
**********
Is it time for a general election?
Is it time for a general election?
So the voters can give this lot a rejection
Is it time for a general election?
So the voters can give this lot a rejection
Well past that time in my view
s it time for a general election?
So the voters can give this lot a rejection
Well past that time in my view
That we got shot of this crew
Is it time for a general election?
So the voters can give this lot a rejection
Well past that time in my view
That we got shot of this motley crew
None of their policies stand inspection
But can we be sure I see you wonder
Might booting them out not be a blunder?
But can we be sure I see you wonder
Might booting them out not be a blunder?
The other lot might be worse!
But can we be sure I see you wonder
Might booting them out not be a blunder?
The other lot might be worse!
They'll need to try very hard of course.
But can we be sure I see you wonder
Might booting them out not be a blunder?
The other lot might be worse!
They'll need to try very hard of course.
And they're known for stealing other's thunder!
A weary old chap from Hong Kong
A weary old chap from Hong Kong
Wore only a black leather thong
A weary old chap from Hong Kong
Wore only a black leather thong
So he froze at the knees
A weary old chap from Hong Kong
Wore only a black leather thong
So he froze at the knees
Had his bum stung by bees
A weary old chap from Hong Kong
Wore only a black leather thong
So he froze at the knees
Had his bum stung by bees
But he wasn't convinced he was wrong.
*******
Some hundreds more sailed in today
Some hundreds more sailed in today
They never even asked if they could stay
Some hundreds more sailed in today
They never even asked if they could stay
Where's my room, my cash, my phone?
Some hundreds more sailed in today
They never even asked if they could stay
Where's my room, my cash, my phone.?
We cried 'Bollocks.. you can go back home.'
Some hundreds more sailed in today
They never even asked if they could stay
Where's my room, my cash, my phone.?
We cried 'Bollocks.. you can go back home.'
And they laughed as they settled to stay
A hapless young fellow from Neath
A hapless young fellow from Neath
Had lost about half of his teeth
A hapless young fellow from Neath
Had lost about half of his teeth
The few that remained
A hapless young fellow from Neath
Had lost about half of his teeth
The few that remained
were yellowed and stained
A hapless young fellow from Neath
Had lost about half of his teeth
The few that remained
were yellowed and stained
And he couldn't eat lamb, pork or beef.
*********
Ken liked a few pints of beer
Ken liked a few pints of beer
A dozen a night every day of the year
Ken liked a few pints of beer
A dozen a night every day of the year
He had his own stool up the pub
Ken liked a few pints of beer
A dozen a night every day of the year
He had his own stool up the pub
which he saw as his 'club'
Ken liked a few pints of beer
A dozen a night every day of the year
He had his own stool up the pub
which he saw as his 'club'
Til they chucked him out on his ear!
*******
A young man went sailing one day
A young man went sailing one day
But very soon lost his way
A young man went sailing one day
But very soon lost his way
To French waters he went
A young man went sailing one day
But very soon lost his way
To French waters he went
And a boat he did dent
A young man went sailing one day
But very soon lost his way
To French waters he went
And a boat he did dent
So got a bill he'll have to pay
Old MacDonald had a farm
Old Macdonald had a farm
The house was old and wasn't warm
ld Macdonald had a farm
The house was old and wasn't warm
so he lit a fire in the living room
Old Macdonald had a farm
The house was old and wasn't warm
So he lit a fire in the living room
To warm his hands and lift the gloom
Old Macdonald had a farm
The house was old and wasn't warm
So he lit a fire in the living room
To warm his hands and lift the gloom
But the blaze set off the fire alarm
**********
The flames licked up the farmhouse wall
The flames licked up the farmhouse wall
would the fire brigade answer the call?
The flames licked up the farmhouse wall
Would the fire brigade answer the call?
Yes here they come their blue lights flashing
The flames licked up the farmhouse wall
Would the fire brigade answer the call?
Yes here they come their blue lights flashing
Hoses out and water splashing
The flames licked up the farmhouse wall
Would the fire brigade answer the call?
Yes here they come their blue lights flashing
Hoses out and water splashing
And the dozy old farmer slept through it all.
*&*&*&*&*&*&
A builder called Bob was well known
A builder called Bob was well known
For never answering his phone
A builder called Bob was well known
For never answering his phone
He was never on time
A builder called Bob was well known
For never answering his phone
He was never on time
And overchaged by the dime
A builder called Bob was well known
For never answering his phone
He was never on time
And overcharged by the dime
He got away with that at 24 stone
Pontypandy's famous fireman Sam
Pontypandy' famous fireman Sam
with chopper and hose was a very brave man
Pontypandy' famous fireman Sam
with chopper and hose was a very brave man
No fires did he fear
Pontypandy's famous fireman Sam
With chopper and hose was a very brave man
No fires did he fear
So give him a cheer
Pontypandy's famous fireman Sam
With chopper and hose was a very brave man
No fires did he fear
So give him a cheer
When he rings the bell in his big red van.
*******
Brian thought he might like a cruise
Brian thought he might like a cruise
Replete with sunshine, fags and booze
Brian thought he might like a cruise
Replete with sunshine, fags and booze
So, a secondhand dinghy he did buy
Brian thought he might like a cruise
Replete with sunshine, fags and booze
So, a secondhand dinghy he did buy
Got rescued off Dover and started to cry
Brian thought he might like a cruise
Replete with sunshine, fags and booze
So, a secondhand dinghy he did buy
Got rescued off Dover and started to cry
He is now on a tanker with magnificent views
Maggie had a spot on the end of her nose
Maggie had a spot on the end of her nose
Bright red it was destroying her pose
Maggie had a spot on the end of her nose
Bright red it was destroying her pose
She squeezed it so hard
Maggie had a spot on the end of her nose
Bright red it was destroying her pose
She squeezed it so hard
It took out Fred in the yard
Maggie had a spot on the end of her nose
Bright red it was destroying her pose
She squeezed it so hard
It took out Fred in the yard
When he'll recover nobody knows
Pat and Mick from the Emerald Isle
Pat and Mick from the Emerald Isle
Attended a wedding dressed in style
Pat and Mick from the Emerald Isle
Attended a wedding dressed in style
Pat strummed a tune on his battered banjo
Pat and Mick from the Emerald Isle
Attended a wedding dressed in style
Pat strummed a tune on his battered banjo
Mick was at the bar with the bridesmaid, Flo
Pat and Mick from the Emerald Isle
Attended a wedding dressed in style
Pat strummed a tune on his battered banjo
Mick was at the bar with the bridesmaid, Flo
Trusting to luck and a winning smile
Brian rode on his trusty bike
Brian rode on his trusty bike
On his way to zumba, which he really liked
Brian rode on his trusty bike
On his way to zumba, which he really liked
Oh no! A puncture! A tyre is flat.
Brian rode on his trusty bike
On his way to zumba, which he really liked
Oh no! A puncture! A tyre is flat.
Then some random man stopped for a chat
About Brummies struggling with the interest rate hike.
(I couldn't resist, sorry :evil: )
********
it was Ladies Choice at the sequence dance
It was Ladies Choice at the sequence dance
Tarquin in his slinky dress jumped up to have a prance
It was Ladies Choice at the sequence dance
Tarquin in his slinky dress jumped up to have a prance
He'd been on the gin
It was Ladies Choice at the sequence dance
Tarquin in his slinky dress jumped up to have a prance
He'd been on the gin
His head started to spin
It was Ladies Choice at the sequence dance
Tarquin in his slinky dress jumped up to have a prance
He'd been on the gin
His head started to spin
But in finding a partner, he had no flipping chance!
**********
Young Bill was a huge football fan
Young Bill was a huge football fan
But a misunderstanding had earned him a ban
Young Bill was a huge football fan
But a misunderstanding had earned him a ban
'Weren't me, ref!' he cried
Young Bill was a huge football fan
But a misunderstanding had earned him a ban
'Weren't me, ref!' he cried
As a red card he spied
Young Bill was a huge football fan
But a misunderstanding had earned him a ban
'Weren't me, ref!' he cried
As a red card he espied
'I never tripped that City man'
The parking warden smiled with glee
The parking warden smiled with glee
As a pensioner's motor he did see
The parking warden smiled with glee
As a pensioner's motor he did see
He flourished his notebook and pen 🖊
The parking warden smiled with glee
As a pensioner's motor he did see
He flourished his notebook and pen 🖊
'Ho ho in an hour this makes ten'
The parking warden smiled with glee
As a pensioner's motor he did see
He flourished his notebook and pen 🖊
'Ho ho in an hour this makes ten'
Some man had told Brian 'park here, its free'!
***********
The weather was too hot for Bill
The weather was too hot for Bill
Under a tree but sweating still
The weather was too hot for Bill
Under a tree but sweltering still
He heard the thunder, saw a flash
The weather was too hot for Bill
Under a tree but sweltering still
He heard the thunder, saw a flash
Starting to rain, he'll have to dash
The weather was too hot for Bill
Under a tree but sweltering still
He heard the thunder, saw a flash
Starting to rain, he'll have to dash
Too late, he now lights up the whole of Redhill
June 23, 2023, 10:39:49 AM
Matron was doing the hospital rounds
Matron was doing the hospital rounds
When she heard some very odd sounds
Matron was doing the hospital rounds
When she heard some very odd sounds
When the curtains she parted..
Matron was doing the hospital rounds
When she heard some very odd sounds
When the curtains she parted..
T'was not for the fainthearted
Matron was doing the hospital rounds
When she heard some very odd sounds
When the curtains she parted..
T'was not for the fainthearted
Piles of 💩 mounds and mounds!! 💩 💩
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I just don't know what to think
I just don't know what to think
Something was making a terrible stink
I just don't know what to think
Something was making a terrible stink
Like a pongy dish cloth only worse
I just don't know what to think
Something was making a terrible stink
Like a pongy dish cloth only worse
Or the stuff that comes out of a horse
I just don't know what to think
Something was making a terrible stink
Like a pongy dish cloth only worse
Or the stuff that comes out of a horse
It makes me stagger and blink
A penniless fellow from Gwent
A penniless fellow from Gwent
Decided to hitch-hike to Kent
A penniless fellow from Gwent
Decided to hitch-hike to Kent
But his map was upside down
A penniless fellow from Gwent
Decided to hitch-hike to Kent
With his map upside down
He reached the wrong town
A penniless fellow from Gwent
Decided to hitch-hike to Kent
With his map upside down
He reached the wrong town
For Scotland he seemed hell bent.
********
The news is full of doom and gloom
The news is full of doom and gloom
It causes me to rant and fume
The news is full of doom and gloom
It causes me to rant and fume
Dinghies, Boris, Russian strife
The news is full of doom and gloom
It causes me to rant and fume
Dinghies, Boris, Russian strife
Any more I'll have to talk to the wife
The news is full of doom and gloom
It causes me to rant and fume
Dinghies, Boris, Russian strife
Any more I'll have to talk to the wife
And finance is full of bust and boom
Whist checking his mail one miserable day
Whilst checking his mail one miserable day
Dave saw a strange bill, asking him to pay
Whilst checking his mail one miserable day
Dave saw a strange bill, asking him to pay
Five hundred a month for household power!
Whilst checking his mail one miserable day
Dave saw a strange bill, asking him to pay
Five hundred a month for his household power!
No way could he see to make it lower
Whilst checking his mail one miserable day
Dave saw a strange bill, asking him to pay
Five hundred a month for his household power!
No way could he see to make it lower
How could he keep the bailiffs at bay?
Dave bypassed his meters electric and gas
Dave bypassed his meters electric and gas
So the money he saved he spent on his lass
Dave bypassed his meters electric and gas
So the money he saved he spent on his lass
Wined and dined her a lot
Dave bypassed his meters electric and gas
So the money he saved he spent on his lass
Wined and dined her a lot
Then his house blew up - what a clot
Dave bypassed his meters electric and gas
So the money he saved he spent on his lass
Wined and dined her a lot
Then his house blew up - what a clot
And his girl left him for being so crass
A penniless chap from Penrith
A penniless chap from Penrith
Had nothing to buy his food with
A penniless chap from Penrith
Had nothing to buy his food with
So he took out his fiddle
A penniless chap from Penrith
Had nothing to buy his food with
So he took out his fiddle
Tuned the strings with a twiddle
A penniless chap from Penrith
Had nothing to buy his food with
So he took out his fiddle
Tuned the strings with a twiddle
And begged from his kin and kith
A long time ago in the west
A long time ago in the west
Wyatt Earp had just made an arrest
A long time ago in the west
Wyatt Earp had just made an arrest
The bad guy was taken
A long time ago in the west
Wyatt Earp had just made an arrest
The bad guy was taken
Who'd save his bacon?
A long time ago in the west
Wyatt Earp had just made an arrest
The bad guy was taken
Who'd save his bacon?
Butch and Sundance will do their best.
Ethel sat waiting for Fred to come home
Ethel sat waiting for Fred to come home
She was going to cancel his right to roam
Ethel sat waiting for Fred to come home
She was going to cancel his right to roam
But when he returned with a kitten
Ethel sat waiting for Fred to come home
She was going to cancel his right to roam
But when he returned with a kitten
she was totally smitten
Ethel sat waiting for Fred to come home
She was going to cancel his right to roam
But when he returned with a kitten
she was totally smitten
And forgave him and left him alone
A foolish young man from Leicester
A foolish young man from Leicester
Thought he was a bit of a jester
A foolish young man from Leicester
Thought he was a bit of a jester
But his jokes all fell flat
A foolish young man from Leicester
Thought he was a bit of a jester
But his jokes all fell flat
And he was though a right prat
A foolish young man from Leicester
Thought he was a bit of a jester
But his jokes all fell flat
And he was thought a right prat
By all the others from Leicester
A young married couple from Rangoon
A young married couple from Rangoon
Lay together under the silvery moon
A young married couple from Rangoon
Lay together under the silvery moon
But it started to rain
A young married couple from Rangoon
Lay together under the silvery moon
But it started to rain
Then to flood - what a pain
A young married couple from Rangoon
Lay together under the silvery moon
But it started to rain
Then to flood - what a pain
But the bairn will be born soon
A desperate fellow from Leeds
A desperate fellow from Leeds
Had a garden growing nothing but weeds
A desperate fellow from Leeds
Had a garden growing nothing but weeds
He tried some weed killer
A desperate fellow from Leeds
Had a garden growing nothing but weeds
He tried some weed killer
Then planted some willow
A desperate fellow from Leeds
Had a garden growing nothing but weeds
He tried some weed killer
Then planted some willow
But he only got dandelion seeds
There once was a fellow from Tooting
There once was a fellow from Tooting
Who went on a rampage shooting
here once was a fellow from Tooting
Who went on a rampage shooting
His targets were mice
here once was a fellow from Tooting
Who went on a rampage shooting
His targets were mice
Which was not very nice
There once was a fellow from Tooting
Who went on a rampage shooting
His targets were mice
Which was not very nice
But at least he was saner than Putin!
*********
An elderly bachelor Ted
An elderly bachelor Ted
Was wont to hid in his shed
An elderly bachelor Ted
Was wont to hide in the shed
He had a kettle and pot
An elderly bachelor Ted
Was wont to hide in the shed
He had a kettle and pot
But then not a lot
An elderly bachelor Ted
Was wont to hide in the shed
He had a kettle and pot
But then not a lot
So he had to go inside to bed
************
Joe liked to have a walk each day
Joe liked to have a walk each day
And talk to dogs that he met on the way
Joe liked to have a walk each day
And talk to dogs that he met on the way
He was amazed one day when one replied
Joe liked to have a walk each day
And talk to dogs that he met on the way
He was amazed one day when one replied
And asked him please to step aside
Joe liked to have a walk each day
And talk to dogs that he met on the way
He was amazed one day when one replied
And asked him please to step aside
While he gave a lamppost a spray
I met a fellow begging today
I met a fellow begging today
Who asked for cash - well, what could I say?
I met a fellow begging today
Who asked for cash - well, what could I say?
"Get a job then you'll have some pay!"
I met a fellow begging today
Who asked for cash - well, what could I say?
"Get a job then you'll have some pay!"
Or like me, squirrel some money away
Then you can be a smartarse pensioner too one day!
(I thought you'd been hacked by Brian klondike ☺️)
****************
I thought cricket was a gentlemen's game
I thought cricket was a gentlemen's game
But sledging the Aussies put England to shame
I thought cricket was a gentlemen's game
But sledging the Aussies put England to shame
But no excuse for the tactics of Oz
I thought cricket was a gentlemen's game
But sledging the Aussies put England to shame
But no excuse for the tactics of Oz
Whose stumping behaviour wasn't sporting tha' knows
I thought cricket was a gentlemen's game
But sledging the Aussies put England to shame
But no excuse for the tactics of Oz
Whose stumping behaviour wasn't sporting tha' knows
Don't anyone dare say 'it's only a game'
A lad playing truant from school
A lad playing truant from school
Had little regard for the rules
A lad playing truant from school
Had little regard for the rules
but, seen by a teacher
A lad playing truant from school
Had little regard for the rules
But, seen by a teacher
A despicable creature
A lad playing truant from school
Had little regard for the rules
But, seen by a teacher
A despicable creature
With no time for those he called fools
A lonely old bachelor from Devon
A lonely old bachelor from Devon
Got married when he was eighty seven
A lonely old bachelor from Devon
Got married when he was eighty seven
His bride of 23 had eyes filled with glee
A lonely old bachelor from Devon
Got married when he was eighty seven
His bride of 23 had eyes filled with glee
As she seated herself on his knee
A lonely old bachelor from Devon
Got married when he was eighty seven
His bride of 23 had eyes filled with glee
As she seated herself on his knee
He died happy, she's in financial heaven.
xxxxxxxxxx
An election is needed they say
An election is needed they say
When it comes there'll be hell to pay
An election is needed they say
When it comes there'll be hell to pay
The voters get fooled
An election is needed they say
When it comes there'll be hell to pay
The voters get fooled
Can tempers be cooled?
An election is needed they say
When it comes there'll be hell to pay
The voters get fooled
Can tempers be cooled?
And some sense means Reform wins the day!
****************
Old Bert climbed on his roof to repair
Old Bert climbed on his roof to repair
Shinning up his ladder without a care
Old Bert climbed on his roof to repair
Shinning up his ladder without a care
Nearing the top he just had to stop
Old Bert climbed on his roof to repair
Shinning up his ladder without a care
Nearing the top he just had to stop
.. and climb back down for one o'clock
Old Bert climbed on his roof to repair
Shinning up his ladder without a care
Nearing the top he just had to stop
.. and climb back down for one o'clock
To go inside and wash his hair.
*************
An old girl from Leeds name of Kitty
An old girl from Leeds name of Kitty
was a spinster more's the pity
An old girl from Leeds name of Kitty
Was a spinster more's the pity
She signed up once on a dating site
An old girl from Leeds name of Kitty
Was a spinster more's the pity
She signed up once on a dating site
Giving the members such a fright
An old girl from Leeds name of Kitty
Was a spinster more's the pity
She signed up once on a dating site
Giving the members such a fright
And brought before the committee
Kitty thought they had a cheek
Kitty thought they had a cheek
So she decided her mind she'd speak
Kitty thought they had a cheek
So she decided her mind she'd speak
Nobody told me about that rule
Kitty thought they had a cheek
So she decided her mind she'd speak
Nobody told me about that rule
I may be old, but I'm real cool
Kitty thought they had a cheek
So she decided her mind she'd speak
Nobody told me about that rule
I may be old, but I'm real cool
And no-one could call me meek
A reckless young laddie from Preston
A reckless young laddie from Preston
Went out in the cold with no vest on
A reckless young laddie from Preston
Went out in the cold with no vest on
When asked why he did it
A reckless young laddie from Preston
Went out in the cold with no vest on
When asked why he did it
Said "Because Mum hid it"
A reckless young laddie from Preston
Went out in the cold with no vest on
When asked why he did it
Said "Because Mum hid it"
And I can't wear my spare, its been messed on.
*************
The tennis is all over the TV
The tennis is all over the TV
I don't watch.. it's not for me
The tennis is all over the TV
I don't watch.. it's not for me
It bores me to tears
The tennis is all over the TV
I don't watch.. it's not for me
It bores me to tears
Its not cricket, my dears 😉
he tennis is all over the TV
I don't watch.. it's not for me
It bores me to tears
Its not cricket, my dears
Now that's something I like to see!
A foolish young man from Kentucky
A foolish young man from Kentucky
Complained his fried chicken was yucky
A foolish young man from Kentucky
Complained his fried chicken was yucky
It just tastes of nowt!
A foolish young man from Kentucky
Complained his fried chicken was yucky
It just tastes of nowt!
So, he just spat it out
A foolish young man from Kentucky
Complained his fried chicken was yucky
It just tastes of nowt!
So, he just spat it out
And shouted cluck, cluck, clucky
Start the next one dextrous..
There once was a pig from Iraq
There once was a pig from Iraq
Mistakenly basted on a rack
There once was a pig from Iraq
Mistakenly basted on a rack
It sizzled with heat
There once was a pig from Iraq
Mistakenly basted on a rack
It sizzled with heat
Which melted its feet
There once was a pig from Iraq
Mistakenly basted on a rack
It sizzled with heat
Which melted its feet
And scorched all the hair from its back.
**********
An elderly doctor from Fife
An elderly doctor from Fife
Had a young and glamorous wife
An elderly doctor from Fife
Had a young and glamorous wife
who took all his money
An elderly doctor from Fife
Had a young and glamorous wife
Who took all his money
And spent it on honey
An elderly doctor from Fife
Had a young and glamorous wife
Who took all his money
And spent it on honey
Which is why she's called struggle and strife
There once was a man from Hong Kong
There once was a man from Hong Kong
Whose feet had a terrible pong
There once was a man from Hong Kong
Whose feet had a terrible pong
So he bought brand new socks
There once was a man from Hong Kong
Whose feet had a terrible pong
So he bought brand new socks
Which lasted a day then needed de-tox
new first line please
We need a last line first...
July 15, 2023, 07:35:57 AM
Last and first...
There once was a man from Hong Kong
Whose feet had a terrible pong
So he bought brand new socks
Which lasted a day then needed de-tox
I bet his shoes won't last long
There was a old fellow from Kent
There was a old fellow from Kent
Whose nose was remarkably bent
There was a old fellow from Kent
Whose nose was remarkably bent
His glasses never slid down
There was a old fellow from Kent
Whose nose was remarkably bent
His glasses never slid down
He'd a permanent frown
There was a old fellow from Kent
Whose nose was remarkably bent
His glasses never slid down
He'd a permanent frown
In all an odd looking old gent
Jim paid a visit to London Zoo
Jim paid a visit to London Zoo
And was intrigued by the kangaroo
Jim paid a visit to London Zoo
And was intrigued by the kangaroo
Could it talk like the one on the telly?
Jim paid a visit to London Zoo
And was intrigued by the kangaroo
Could it talk like the one on the telly?
and it did - his legs went to jelly
Jim paid a visit to London Zoo
And was intrigued by the kangaroo
Could it talk like the one on the telly?
And it did - his legs went to jelly
But was it joking? He hadn't a clue
There was a young fellow from Perth
There was a young fellow from Perth
embarrassed a lot by his girth
There was a young fellow from Perth
Embarrassed a lot by his girth
He got wedged in a door
There was a young fellow from Perth
Embarrassed a lot by his girth
He got wedged in a door
Then fell to the floor
There was a young fellow from Perth
Embarrassed a lot by his girth
He got wedged in a door
Then fell to the floor
And cursed for all he was worth
Joe was the kindest man in town
Joe was the kindest man in town
Any unkindness made him frown
Joe was the kindest man in town
Any unkindness made him frown
He donated food
Joe was the kindest man in town
Any unkindness made him frown
He donated food
Which made him feel good
Joe was the kindest man in town
Any unkindness made him frown
He donated food
Which made him feel good
And helped out those who were down
Rishi is hoping it's windy today
Rishi is hoping its windy today
So more of the boats will stay away
Rishi is hoping its windy today
So more of the boats will stay away
Give time to make them homes
Rishi is hoping it's windy today
So more of the boats will stay away
Give him time to make them homes
With a built in pool and mobile phones
Rishi is hoping it's windy today
So more of the boats will stay away
Give him time to make them homes
With a built in pool and mobile phones
Three square meals and a place to pray
************
Mary went to a sequence dance
Mary went to a sequence dance
Back from her hols in la belle France
Mary went to a sequence dance
Back from her hols in la belle France
She hoped that she might meet 'the one'
Mary went to a sequence dance
Back from her hols in la belle France
She hoped that she might meet 'the one'
Preferably a rich man's only son
Mary went to a sequence dance
Back from her hols in la belle France
She hoped that she might meet 'the one'
Preferably a rich man's only son
But sadly there was no romance 💘
***********
Three bye election results are in
Three bye election results are in
Only the LibDems can manage a grin
Three bye election results are in
Only the LibDems can manage a grin
One big win for Kier
Three bye election results are in
Only the LibDems can manage a grin
One big win for Kier
Mkaes Tories shake with fear
Three bye election results are in
Only the LibDems can manage a grin
One big win for Kier
Makes the Tories shake with fear
No more parties for Right Wing
July 22, 2023, 09:11:23 AM
Another day of bloody rain
Another day of bloody rain
Global warming? Perhaps in Spain
Another day of bloody rain
Global warming? Perhaps in Spain
Oi! Saying that is not allowed
Another day of bloody rain
Global warming? Perhaps in Spain
Oi! Saying that is not allowed
Ha ha, its wetting the JSO crowd
Another day of bloody rain
Global warming? Perhaps in Spain
Oi! Saying that is not allowed
Ha ha, its wetting the JSO crowd
Aha a benefit. At least that's a gain
Oh no. Another soaking tomorrow
Oh no. Another soaking tomorrow
Have you a mac that I may borrow?
Oh no. Another soaking tomorrow
Have you a mac that I may borrow?
No spare mac. Would a brolly do?
Oh no, Another soaking tomorrow
Have you a mac that I might borrow ?
No spare mac.. Would a brolly do.?
... and a pair of yellow wellies too !
Oh no, Another soaking tomorrow
Have you a mac that I might borrow ?
No spare mac.. Would a brolly do.?
... and a pair of yellow wellies too !
If i get wet, I'll be full of sorrow
There once was a fellow from Dover
There once was a fellow from Dover
Named Ben and a bit of a rover
There once was a fellow from Dover
Named Ben and a bit of a rover
He hitched up to Leeds
There once was a fellow from Dover
Named Ben and a bit of a rover
He hitched up to Leeds
To solve all his needs
There once was a fellow from Dover
Named Ben and a bit of a rover
He hitched up to Leeds
To solve all his needs
And hopefully get his leg over
Freddie's old banger died on a trip
Freddie's old banger died on a trip
He rang the AA and hoped they'd come quick
Freddie's old banger died on a trip
He rang the AA and hoped they'd come quick
The steam from the bonnet shot up in the air
Freddie's old banger died on a trip
He rang the AA and hoped they'd come quick
The steam from the bonnet shot up in the air
Better than a puncture though - he hadn't a spare
Freddie's old banger died on a trip
He rang the AA and hoped they'd come quick
The steam from the bonnet shot up in the air
Better than a puncture though- he hadn't a spare
All Freddie could do was to feel like a prick
July 24, 2023, 11:05:35 AM
It was after twelve when Cinderella got home
It was after twelve when Cinderella got home
Going up the path she knocked over a gnome
It was after twelve when Cinderella got home
Going up the path she knocked over a gnome
As the poor little fellow yelled out
It was after twelve when Cinderella got home
Going up the path she knocked over a gnome
As the poor little fellow yelled out
The ugly sisters started to pout
It was after twelve when Cinderella got home
Going up the path she knocked over a gnome
As the poor little fellow yelled out
The ugly sisters started to pout
And Prince Charming never did phone.
Sally won the Lottery , a million pounds and more
Sally won the Lottery, a million pounds and more
She wouldn't tell the the neighbours,those next door
Sally won the Lottery, a million pounds and more
She wouldn't tell the the neighbours, those next door
She bought a dress and some new 👠 shoes
Sally won the Lottery, a million pounds and more
She wouldn't tell the the neighbours, those next door
She bought a dress and some new 👠 shoes
Not to mention loads of booze
Sally won the Lottery, a million pounds and more
She wouldn't tell the the neighbours, those next door
She bought a dress and some new 👠 shoes
Not to mention loads of booze
But the booze made her drunk and the shoes made her sore
A fearless young tight rope walker
A fearless young tightrope walker
Was also a dodgy street hawker
A fearless young tightrope walker
Was also a dodgy street hawker
He sold Gucci made in China
A fearless young tightrope walker
Was also a dodgy street hawker
He sold Gucci watches made in China
And swore that none were finer
A fearless young tightrope walker
Was also a dodgy street hawker
He sold Gucci watches made in China
And swore that none were finer
But we all knew he was telling porkers!
**********
A man in a pub down in Wales
A man in a pub down in Wales
Told many unbelievable tales
A man in a pub down in Wales
Told many unbelievable tales
He said he could fly just flapping his arms
A man in a pub down in Wales
Told many unbelievable tales
He said he could fly just flapping his arms
He could cure every ailment by his magic charms
A man in a pub down in Wales
Told many unbelievable tales
He said he could fly just flapping his arms
He could cure every ailment by his magic charms
But reserved the best for his pension sales
His old mate Brian owned a talking dog
His old mate Brian owned a talking dog
He took it out at 5am to the running club, for a jog
His old mate Brian owned a talking dog
He took it out at 5am to the running club, for a jog
But it's lead it did tangle
His old mate Brian owned a talking dog
He took it out at 5am to the running club, for a jog
But it's lead it did tangle
The poor dog it did strangle
His old mate Brian owned a talking dog
He took it out at 5am to the running club, for a jog
But it's lead it did tangle
The poor dog it did strangle
Leaving Brian alone in the fog
An itinerant matador called Fernando
An itinerant matador called Fernando
Serenaded senoritas with a banjo
An itinerant matador called Fernando
Serenaded senoritas with a banjo
But his playing was bad
An itinerant matador called Fernando
Serenaded senoritas with a banjo
But his playing was bad
They all thought he was mad
An itinerant matador called Fernando
Serenaded senoritas with a banjo
But his playing was bad
They all thought he was mad
When he tried to master the tango.
**********
A bloke from the chip shop called Pete
A bloke from the chip shop called Pete
Ordered some Chinese for a treat
A bloke from the chip shop called Pete
Ordered some Chinese for a treat
But once when it came
A bloke from the chip shop called Pete
Ordered some Chinese for a treat
But once when it came
sprinkled salt and vinegar.. shame :nooo:
A bloke from the chip shop called Pete
Ordered some Chinese for a treat
But once when it came
sprinkled salt and vinegar.. shame
Pete's treat he could not eat
Sausage and mash for tea tonight
Sausage and mash for tea tonight
But the cost of it comes as a fright
Sausage and mash for dinner tonight
But the cost of it comes as a fright
Might try Lidl, they're dirt cheap
Sausage and mash for dinner tonight
But the cost of it comes as a fright
Might try Lidl, they're dirt cheap
The prices In Waitrose make me weep
Sausage and mash for dinner tonight
But the cost of it comes as a fright
Might try Lidl, they're dirt cheap
The prices In Waitrose make me weep
But don't you dare to call me tight!
A diligent copper from Hove
A diligent copper from Hove
Arrested that slimeball Gove
A diligent copper from Hove
Arrested that slimeball Gove
which made for good news
A diligent copper from Hove
Arrested that slimeball Gove
Which made for good news
As he was caught with no trews
A diligent copper from Hove
Arrested that slimeball Gove
Which made for good news
As he was caught with no trews
As his rubbish defence he wove
A charming old lady from Devizes
A charming old lady from Devizes
Ordered her knickers in multiple sizes
A charming old lady from Devizes
Ordered her knickers in multiple sizes
When asked why this was
A charming old lady from Devizes
Ordered her knickers in multiple sizes
When asked why this was
She said "just because"
A charming old lady from Devizes
Ordered her knickers in multiple sizes
From bloomers to thongs
A charming lady from Devizes
Ordered her knickers in multiple sizes
From bloomers to thongs
.. from short to longs
A charming lady from Devizes
Ordered her knickers in multiple sizes
From bloomers to thongs
.. from short to longs
All hidden beneath cunning disguises
A bellringer from Saint Ives
A bellringer from Saint Ives
Was hailed for having two wives
A bellringer from Saint Ives
Was hailed for having two wives
One nagged him all day, the other all night
A bellringer from Saint Ives
Was hailed for having two wives
One nagged him all day, the other all night
Neither could cook and both looked a fright
A bellringer from Saint Ives
Was hailed for having two wives
One nagged him all day, the other all night
Neither could cook and both looked a fright
He coud only escape by taking long drives
A young lad met a maiden fair
A young lad met a maiden fair
Who used Nice 'n Easy to colour her hair
A young lad met a maiden fair
Who used Nice 'n Easy to colour her hair
But she used it too strong
A young lad met a maiden fair
Who used Nice 'n Easy to colour her hair
But she used it too strong
It went terribly wrong
A young lad met a maiden fair
Who used Nice 'n Easy to colour her hair
But she used it too strong
It went terribly wrong
And the shade gave all a scare
Once in the wilds of Kentucky
Once in the wilds of Kentucky
A young cow hand felt lucky
Once in the wilds of Kentucky
A young cow hand felt lucky
As he rode his gray pony
Once in the wilds of Kentucky
A young cow hand felt lucky
As he rode his gray pony
He met a nice boy called Tony
Once in the wilds of Kentucky
A young cow hand felt lucky
As he rode his gray pony
He met a nice boy called Tony
And called out 'Going my way, ducky?'
An alien landing from Mars
An alien landing from Mars
Went into one of our bars
An alien landing from Mars
Went into one of our bars
after looking about
An alien landing from Mars
Went into one of our bars
After looking about
His mind filled with doubt
An alien landing from Mars
Went into one of our bars
After looking about
His mind filled with doubt
And he quickly returned via the stars
On a dull, dreary day in Madrid
On a dull, dreary day in Madrid
A cafe had a good deal on squid
On a dull, dreary day in Madrid
A cafe had a good deal on squid
All you could eat for a Euro
On a dull, dreary day in Madrid
A cafe had a good deal on squid
All you could eat for a Euro
Carlos scooped the lot into his giant sombrero
On a dull, dreary day in Madrid
A cafe had a good deal on squid
All you could eat for a Euro
Carlos scooped the lot into his giant sombrero
Then jabbed it down on his lid
A lissome young wench for Detroit
A lissom young wench from Detroit
Was always up for a 'foight'
(Mike, Detroit is really hard to rhyme with!)
A lissom young wench from Detroit
Was always up for a 'foight'
Her left hook was lethal
A lissom young wench from Detroit
Was always up for a 'foight'
Her left hook was lethal
Her head butt was equal
A lissom young wench from Detroit
Was always up for a 'foight'
Her left hook was lethal
Her head butt was equal
To watch her perform a delight
FiFi offered lessons in French
Fifi offered lessons in French
Not only smart, she was a comely wench
Fifi offered lessons in French
Not only smart, she was a comely wench
Of course her language skills were none too smart
Fifi offered lessons in French
Not only smart, she was a comely wench
Of course her language skills were none too smart
But her clothes were objets d'art
Fifi offered lessons in French
Not only smart, she was a comely wench
But her 'je nais pas'
Yep can tell you've been nodding off Milke. Possibly quite a while too :grin:
Fifi offered lessons in French
Not only smart, she was a comely wench
Of course her language skills were none too smart
But her clothes were objets d'art
Though her perfume had a terrible stench.
**********
A mystery man from the Midlands said
yep, must have dozed or summat!
A mystery man from the Midlands said
I'm in debt right over my head
A mystery man from the Midlands said
I'm in debt right over my head
If only I'd listened when Brian made mention
A mystery man from the Midlands said
I'm in debt right over my head
If only I'd listened when Brian made mention
And I had joined the company pension!
A mystery man from the Midlands said
I'm in debt right over my head
If only I'd listened when Brian made mention
And I had joined the company pension!
I'd have had loads of dosh tucked under my bed 💰💰
****************
A rather large woman in Deal
A rather large woman in Deal
Was fond of the eightsome reel
A rather large woman in Deal
Was fond of the eightsome reel
Other dancers would quake
A rather large woman in Deal
Was fond of the eightsome reel
Other dancers would quake
And the earth surely did shake
A rather large woman in Deal
Was fond of the eightsome reel
Other dancers would quake
And the earth surely did shake
As everyone's fate it did seal
A studious cleric from Rome
A studious cleric from Rome
Had a face like a gnarly old gnome
A studious cleric from Rome
Had a face like a gnarly old gnome
But his soul was so pure
A studious cleric from Rome
Had a face like a gnarly old gnome
But his soul was so pure
Any sadness he would endure
A studious cleric from Rome
Had a face like a gnarly old gnome
But his soul was so pure
Any sadness he would endure
And then he'd pack up and go home.
**********
A youngish train spotter called Bill
A youngish train spotter called Bill
Had a pretty young girlfriend called Jill
A studious cleric from Rome
Had a face like a gnarly old gnome
But his soul was so pure
And his faith was so sure
Quote from: klondike on August 05, 2023, 08:02:47 PMA studious cleric from Rome
Had a face like a gnarly old gnome
But his soul was so pure
And his faith was so sure
You've been napping...
August 05, 2023, 09:17:49 PMA youngish train spotter called Bill
Had a pretty young girlfriend called Jill
On platforms they stood
A youngish train spotter called Bill
Had a pretty young girlfriend called Jill
On platforms they stood
Whenever they could
Quote from: GrannyMac on August 05, 2023, 09:15:09 PMYou've been napping...
Guilty as charged
A youngish train spotter called Bill
Had a pretty young girlfriend called Jill
On platforms they stood
Whenever they could
When a stem train came past - what a thrill!
A foolish old man from Darjeeling
A foolish old man from Darjeeling
Was keen to express all his feelings
A foolish old man from Darjeeling
Was keen to express all his feelings
So he wrote them all down
A foolish old man from Darjeeling
Was keen to express all his feelings
So he wrote them all down
As he drove through the town
A foolish old man from Darjeeling
Was keen to express all his feelings
So he wrote them all down
As he drove through the town
And wrote them again on his ceiling
A well-meaning schoolboy from Preston
A well-meaning schoolboy from Preston
Made sure he always had a clean vest on
A well-meaning schoolboy from Preston
Made sure he always had a clean vest on
Which his mum washed and dried
A well- meaning schoolboy from Preston
Made sure he always had a clean vest on
Which his mum washed and dried
Using Persil... with pride
A well- meaning schoolboy from Preston
Made sure he always had a clean vest on
Which his mum washed and dried
Using Persil... with pride
As she did with the clothes he had the rest on
Then once was a dwarf from a forest
There once was a dwarf from a forest
Who for lack of a rhyme became a florist
There once was a dwarf from a forest
Who for lack of a rhythm became a florist
He sold dandelion bunches
There once was a dwarf from a forest
Who for lack of a rhythm became a florist
He sold dandelion bunches
to people with hunches
There once was a dwarf from a forest
Who for lack of a rhyme became a florist
He sold dandelion bunches
to people with hunches
But gave them away to the poorest...
**********
A bookie from Glasgow called Ken
A bookie from Glasgow called Ken
Enjoyed a tipple now and then
A bookie from Glasgow called Ken
Enjoyed a tipple now and then
While calling the odds
A bookie from Glasgow called Ken
Enjoyed a tipple now and then
While calling the odds
To the poor losing sods
A bookie from Glasgow called Ken
Enjoyed a tipple now and then
While calling the odds
To the poor losing sods
And giving away the free pens
***********
Three old friends went to the pub
Three old friends went to the pub
They ordered the pie from the pub grub
Three old friends went to the pub
They ordered the pie from the pub grub
One took a peek at the meat inside
Three friends went to the pub
They ordered the pie from the pub grub
One took a peek at the meat inside
'It's roadkill ' all three of them cried
Three friends went to the pub
They ordered the pie from the pub grub
One took a peek at the meat inside
'It's roadkill ' all three of them cried
And hedgehog, there's the rub!
A foolish young fellow from Gloucester
A foolish young fellow from Gloucester
Took his girl for a coffee at Costa
A foolish young fellow from Gloucester
Took his girl for a coffee at Costa
The cost made him groan
A foolish young fellow from Gloucester
Took his girl for a coffee at Costa
The cost made him groan
His budget was blown
A foolish young fellow from Gloucester
Took his girl for a coffee at Costa
The cost made him groan
His budget was blown
And his moans meant he lost her
A reckless young jockey from Aintree
A reckless young jockey from Aintree
Went on a short visit to Braintree
A reckless young jockey from Aintree
Went on a short visit to Braintree
were his saddle got lost
A reckless young jockey from Aintree
Went on a short visit to Braintree
Where his saddle got lost
And he fell off his horse
A reckless young jockey from Aintree
Went on a short visit to Braintree
Where his saddle got lost
And he fell off his horse
But at least his fall was pain free
A very keen copper from Fife
A very keen copper from Fife
Put his job before his young wife
A very keen copper from Fife
Put his job before his young wife
Which killed off the bliss
A very keen copper from Fyfe
Put his job before his young wife
Which killed off the bliss
So there weren't any kids
A very keen copper from Fyfe
Put his job before his young wife
Which killed off the bliss
So there weren't any kids
To carry on the line of his life
A gormless young man from Treochy
A gormless young man from Treochy
Annoyed others by being too cocky
A gormless young man from Treochy
Annoyed others by being too cocky
Decided cricket was too hard
A gormless young man from Treochy
Annoyed others by being too cocky
Decided cricket was too hard
And just sat in his yard
A gormless young man from Treochy
Annoyed others by being too cocky
Decided cricket was too hard
And just sat in his yard
Trying to knock up a dish of Gnocchi
Molly's corset was far too tight
Molly's corset was far too tight
She couldn't breathe and had a fright
Molly's corset was far too tight
She couldn't breathe and had a fright
Suppose she fainted in the street?
Molly's corset was far too tight
She couldn't breathe and had a fright
Suppose she fainted in the street?
Lets hope her underwear was neat!
Molly's corset was far too tight
She couldn't breathe and had a fright
Suppose she fainted in the street?
Could she pretend it was the heat?
Molly's corset was much too tight
She couldn't breathe and had a fright
Suppose she fainted in the street ?
Could she pretend it was the heat?
If it wasn't December then she might.
The queue for the dentist went round the block
The queue for the dentist went round the block
Had he forgotten to set his alarm clock?
The queue for the dentist went round the block
Had he forgotten to set his alarm clock?
Patient patients there were none
The queue for the dentist went round the block
Had he forgotten to set his alarm clock?
Patient patients there were none
They all stood roasting in the sun
The queue for the dentist went round the block
Had he forgotten to set his alarm clock?
Patient patients there were none
They all stood roasting in the sun
Some giving the door a tremendous knock
Betty awaited the bus in vain
Betty awaited the bus in vain
So unhappily made for the train
Betty awaited the bus in vain
So unhappily made for the train
Long delays. Wet leaves on line
Betty awaited the bus in vain
So unhappily made for the train
Long delays. Wet leaves on line
So the eight o'clock left at nine
Betty awaited the bus in vain
So unhappily made for the train
Long delays. Wet leaves on line
So the eight o'clock left at nine
Trying her best had been in vain
Bill was waving his union banner
Bill was waving his union banner
Which he'd bought for two and a tanner
Bill was waving his union banner
Which he'd bought for two and a tanner
"Save our Jobs" the banner said
Bill was waving his union banner
Which he'd bought for two and a tanner
"Save our Jobs" the banner said
Written in letters of deepest red
Bill was waving his union banner
Which he'd bought for two and a tanner
"Save our Jobs" the banner said
Written in letters of deepest red
Which he waved in an aggressive manner
new first line, please
Ruthio is not a regular visitor so I'll add one...
Ruthio popped in and finished our rhyme
Ruthio popped in and finished our rhyme
But then popped out for quite a long time
Ruthio popped in and finished our rhyme
But then popped out for quite a long time
Our limerics sometimes take an odd direction
Ruthio popped in and finished our rhyme
But then popped out for quite a long time
Our limerics sometimes take an odd direction
Many apologies and much affection xxx
Ruthio popped in and finished our rhyme
But then popped out for quite a long time
Our limerick sometimes take an odd direction
Many apologies and much affection xxx
We will let you off.. everything's fine
August 12, 2023, 10:12:13 AM
My minds gone blank I'm lost for words
My minds gone blank I'm lost for words
My wits are gone away with the birds
My minds gone blank I'm lost for words
My wits are gone away with the birds
I'm trying hard but to no avail
My minds gone blank I'm lost for words
My wits are gone away with the birds
I'm trying hard but to no avail
No what I try, I'm sure I'll fail
My minds gone blank I'm lost for words
My wits are gone away with birds
I'm trying hard but to no avail
So what I try, I'm sure to fail
I guess we're just a bunch of nerds
Agnes is marrying Fred today
Agnes is marrying Fred today
Fourth time each - ones bound to stray
Agnes is marrying Fred today
Fourth time each - ones bound to stray
But at least it keeps the vicar busy
Agnes is marry Fred today
Fourth time each- ones bound to stray
But at least it keeps the vicar busy
Although the organist is feeling dizzy
A miserable old man from Newcastle
Agnes is marrying Fred today
Fourth time each- ones bound to stray
But at least it keeps the vicar busy
Although the organist is feeling dizzy
With all the tunes he's been asked to play.
August 13, 2023, 07:23:23 PM
Mike, you didn't finish the last one, I've sorted it, now we'll go with your new one. ☺️
A miserable old man from Newcastle
Thought getting dressed was a hassle
whoops - never could count!
A miserable old man from Newcastle
Thought getting dressed was a hassle
So he slobbed through the day
A miserable old man from Newcastle
Thought getting dressed was a hassle
So he slobbed through the day
And in his bed he did lay
A miserable old man from Newcastle
Thought getting dressed was a hassle
So he slobbed through the day
And in his bed he did lay
til the postie brought him a parcel
A reckless young bikie from Deal
A reckless young biker from Deal
Rode up the street on one wheel
A reckless young biker from Deal
Rode up the street on one wheel
He said 'look, no hands'
I'm
A reckless young biker from Deal
Rode up the street on one wheel
He said 'look, no hands'
Hit a car and a van
A reckless young biker from Deal
Rode up the street on one wheel
He said 'look, no hands'
Hit a car and a van
So was late delivering the meal
I'm waiting for DHL to call
I'm waiting for DHL to call
After ten days it's beginning to pall
I'm waiting for DHL to call
After ten days it's beginning to pall
I've ordered a wig, high heels and a dress
I'm waiting for DHL to call
After ten days it's beginning to pall
I've ordered a wig, high heels and a dress
I'd get them in the high street for less
I'm waiting for DHL to call
After ten days it's beginning to pall
I've ordered a wig, high heels and a dress
I'd get them in the high street for less
They won't come in time for the Gay Pride Ball
Lily had a crush on the bin man
Lily had a crush on the bin man
Known by the ladies as Sultry Stan
Lily had a crush on the bin man
Known by the ladies as Sultry Sam
He knew how to spin a wheelie
Lily had a crush on the bin man
Known by the ladies as Sultry Sam
He knew how to spin wheelie
And boasted quite freely
Lily had a crush on the bin man
Known by ladies as Sultry Sam
He knew how to spin a wheelie
And boasted quite freely
He knew a tin from a can
A stranger strolled in to town
A stranger strolled in to town
A right old misery with a permanent frown
A stranger strolled in to town
A right old misery with a permanent frown
But after several pints of ale
A stranger strolled in to town
A right old misery with a permanent frown
But after several pints of ale
He started the strangest tale
A stranger strolled in to town
A right old misery with a permanent frown
But after several pints of ale
He started the strangest tale
Of his days as a circus clown
A friendly old man from Wapping
A friendly old man from Wapping
Thought his approach to folk was topping
A friendly old man from Wapping
Thought his approach to folk was topping
He would lift his hat and bow his head
A friendly old man from Wapping
Thought his approach to folk was topping
He would lift his hat and bow his head
And greet them with 'Hello, my name's Fred
a friendly old man from Wapping
Thought his approach to folk was topping
He would lift his hat and bow his head
And greet them with 'Hello, my name is Fred'
'I've just popped out to do some shopping'
The Germans had taken all the sun beds
The Germans had taken every sun bed
Leaving the Brits all seeing red
Sorry for the slight mod but beds was a bugger to rhyme.
Posting hard to rhyme lines is Mike's job I'll have you know.
:grin:
You are right...
The Germans have taken every sun bed
Leaving the Brits all seeing red
So they got up at four...
Threw the towels on the floor
The Germans have taken every sun bed
Leaving the Brits all seeing red
So they got up at four...
Threw the towels on the floor
And everything else in the Med
A butcher scattered sawdust on his floor
A butcher scattered sawdust on his floor
His shop was open from eight til four
A butcher scattered sawdust on his floor
His shop was open from eight til four
Famous for his first class chops
A butcher scattered sawdust on his floor
His shop was open from eight til four
Famous for his first class chops
Which he sold cheap to cops
A butcher scattered sawdust on his floor
His shop was open from eight til four
Famous for his first class chops
Which he sold cheap to cops
After hours, from the back door.
**********
Robin Hood had some merry men
Robin Hood had some merry men
One called Len , the other Ben
Robin Hood had some merry men
One called Len , the other Ben
In Sherwood they did hide
Robin Hood had some merry men
One called Len , the other Ben
In Sherwood they did hide
Taking the Sheriff for a ride
Robin Hood had some merry men
One called Len , the other Ben
In Sherwood they did hide
Taking the Sheriff for a ride
Release me, he cried again and again
Betty Bowler was somewhat tubby
Betty Bowler was somewhat tubby
Nice and squidgy said her hubby
Betty Bowler was somewhat tubby
Nice and squidgy said her hubby
And a brilliant shade from the glaring sun
Betty Bowler was somewhat tubby
Nice and squidgy said her hubby
And a brilliant shade from the glaring sun
Even if it made her mascara run
Betty Bowler was somewhat tubby
Nice and squidgy said her hubby
And a brilliant shade from the glaring sun
Even if it made her mascara run
Which made her look a little grubby
Joe stopped for a break at a greasy spoon
Joe stopped for a break at a greasy spoon
Read 'Half price breakfasts' and was over the moon
Joe stopped for a break at the greasy spoon
Read 'Half price breakfasts ' and was over the moon
He had three eggs six rashers and double fried bread
Joe stopped for a break at the greasy spoon
Read 'Half price breakfasts ' and was over the moon
He had three eggs six rashers and double fried bread
Which made his stomach heavy as lead
Joe stopped for a break at the greasy spoon
Read 'Half price breakfasts' and was over the moon
He had tree eggs six rashers and double fried bread
Which made his stomach heavy as lead
He won't be returning anytime soon.... He's dead.!!!
I know.. I know !! couldn't help myself..
The village idiot was doing the rounds
The village idiot was doing the rounds
But found the pubs all out of bounds
The village idiot was doing the rounds
But found the pubs all out of bounds
Except Witherspoon.. They accept all
The village idiot was doing the rounds
But found the pubs all out of bounds
Except Witherspoon.. They accept all
The long, the short and the tall
The village idiot was doing the rounds
But found the pubs all out of bounds
Except Witherspoon.. They accept all
The long, the short and the tall
Even people who are walking their hounds
**********
The courting couple went for a walk
The courting couple went for a walk
Hand in hand in the main street of Cork
The courting couple went for a walk
Hand in hand in the main street of Cork
Patrick was wearing his lucky hat
The courting couple went for a walk
Hand in hand in the main street of Cork
Patrick was wearing his lucky hat
And Maureen joshed him for being fat
The courting couple went for a walk
Hand in hand in the main street of Cork
Patrick was wearing his lucky hat
And Maureen joshed him for being so fat
After that.. they never again did talk
'Hiya ma'am ' the cowboy said
Hiya ma'am ' the cowboy said
She took one look and then she fled! 🤯
'Hiya ma'am' the cowboy said
She took one look and then she fled !
He held his lasso ready to throw
'Hiya ma'am' the cowboy said
She took one look and then she fled !
He held his lasso ready to throw
Whirling it round just like a pro
'Hiya ma'am' the cowboy said
She took one look and then she fled !
He held his lasso ready to throw
Whirling it round just like a pro
And nearly took off the lady's head.
***** ***** *****
Daisy sat in the sun all day
Daisy sat in the sun all day
No dinner on. There'd be hell to pay
Daisy sat in the sun all day
No dinner on. There'd be hell to pay
But did she care? No, not her
Daisy sat in the sun all day
No dinner on. There'd be hell to pay
But did she care ? No, not her
Tesco were delivering a meal for four
Daisy sat in the sun all day
No dinner on. There'd be hell to pay
But did she care ? No, not her
Tesco were delivering a meal for four
She'd invited her in-laws round to stay
A careless young man from Penzance
A careless young man from Penzance
Led the women a merry dance
A careless young man from Penzance
Led the women a merry dance
But they loved his charming ways
A careless young man from Penzance
Led the women a merry dance
But they loved his charming ways
Not knowing he was gay
A careless young man from Penzance
Led the women on a merry dance
But they loved his charming ways
Not knowing he was gay
Until one night after Peggy took a chance
August 23, 2023, 04:39:42 PM
The red feather hat was in the SALE
A careless young man from Penzance
Led the women a merry dance
But they loved his charming ways
And slick turn of phrase
Quote from: klondike on August 23, 2023, 05:28:36 PMA careless young man from Penzance
Led the women a merry dance
But they loved his charming ways
And slick turn of phrase
That's been finished, and a new one started....😴
The red feather hat was in the SALE
But when Jean saw the price, she turned quite pale
The red feather hat was in the SALE
But when Jean saw the price, she turned quite pale
Thirty quid for that little thing?
The red feather hat was in the SALE
But when Jean saw the price, she turned quite pale
Thirty quid for that little thing?
I didn't spend that on my wedding ring!
The red feather hat was in the SALE
But when Jean saw the price, she turned quite pale
Thirty quid for that little thing?
I didn't spend that on my wedding ring!
She cried out in a wail
Tracy tells me lamb's on special today
Tracy tells me lamb's on special today
What's special is the price you must pay
Tracy tells me lamb's on special today
What's special is the price you must pay
But two legs you get free wine
Tracey tells me lamb's on special today
What's special is the price you pay
Buy two legs you get free wine
Buy Spam and beans if your skint ,that's fine
Tracey tells me lamb's on special today
What's special is the price you pay
Buy two legs you get free wine
Buy Spam and beans if your skint ,that's fine
Or just pop to the chippy, its on the way.
*************
William's train was very slow
William's train was very slow
Wrong type of leaves they'll have us know
William's train was very slow
Wrong type of leaves they'll have us know
It would be as quick to walk
William's train was very slow
Wrong type of leaves they'll have us know
It would be as quick to walk
But a bit far from Leeds to York
William's train was very slow
Wrong type of leaves they'll have us know
It would be as quick to walk
But a bit far from Leeds to York
Any longer they will be blaming SNOW
August 25, 2023, 08:07:10 AM
Charlie's cucumber was 'best' in show
Charlie's cucumber was 'best' in show
That's a marrow said one in the know
Charlie's cucumber was 'best' in show
That's a marrow said one in the know
The row got heated and turned into a fight
Charlie's cucumber was 'best' in show
That's a marrow said one in the know
The row got heated and turned into a fight
So they got bunged in the cells for the night
Charlie's cucumber was 'best' in show
That's a marrow said one in the know
The row got heated and turned into a fight
So they got bunged in the cells for the night
Where Charlie and Ron fell in love.. Oh No !!!
The Spanish beach was full of Brits
The Spanish beach was full of Brits
Which sent all the locals into fits
The Spanish beach was full of Brits
Which sent all the locals into fits
All they want is chips and beer
The Spanish beach was full of Brits
Which sent all the locals into fits
All they want is chips and beer
ANd wander along the nearest pier
The Spanish beach was full of Brits
Which sent all the locals into fits
All they want is chips and beer
And wander along the nearest pier
Ogling all the ladies' .....in their woolly knits 😄
**********
The Blackpool lights are pretty bright
The Blackpool lights are pretty bright
Lighting up September skies each night
The Blackpool lights are pretty bright
Lighting up September skies each night
But behind the front its pretty grim
The Blackpool lights are pretty bright
Lighting up September skies each night
But behind the front its pretty grim
To walk alone risks life and limb
The Blackpool lights are pretty bright
Lighting up September skies each night
But behind the front its pretty grim
To walk alone risks life and limb
But carry a big stick to give muggers a fright
As the sun sinks slowly in the far distant west
As the sun sinks slowly in the far distant West
The peaceful evening was ruined by a pest
As the sun sinks slowly in the far distant West
The peaceful evening was ruined by a pest
A drunken barbeque party next door
As the sun sinks slowly in the West
The peaceful evening was ruined by a pest
A drunken barbeque party next door
There must have been over 100 , or more !!!
As the sun sinks slowly in the West
The peaceful evening was ruined by a pest
A drunken barbeque party next door
There must have been over 100 , or more !!!
And most of them not even a guest
A foolish young man from Kentucky
A foolish young man from Kentucky
Wondered why he never got lucky
A foolish young man from Kentucky
Wondered why he never got lucky
So he went to a sage for advice
A foolish young man from Kentucky
Wondered why he never got lucky
So he went to a sage for advice
£50 for this charm and you'll be rich in a trice!
A foolish young man from Kentucky
Wondered why he never got lucky
So he went to a sage for advice
£50 for this charm and you'll be rich in a trice!
He said 'you must be kidding ducky'.
***** *****
Mary went to the Super Store
Mary went to the Super Store
Bumped her car and how she swore
Mary went to the Super Store
Bumped her car and how she swore
The parking spaces weren't wide
Mary went to the Super Store
Bumped her car and how she swore
The parking spaces weren't wide
So she was stuck inside
Mary went to a Super Store
Bumped her car and how she swore
The parking spaces weren't wide
So she was stuck inside
For 4 hours or more
The spot on her nose got bigger and bigger
The spot on her nose got bigger and bigger
How to get rid, she couldn't figure
The spot on her nose got bigger and bigger
How to get rid, she couldn't figure
Then thought, some cream applied with care
The spot on her nose got bigger and bigger
How to get rid, she couldn't figure
Then thought, some cream applied with care
And a quick adjustment of her hair
he spot on her nose got bigger and bigger
How to get rid, she couldn't figure
Then thought, some cream applied with care
And a quick adjustment of her hair
But even then all would just snigger
A surly old farmer from Devon
A surly old farmer from Devon
When his time came prayed for Heaven
A surly old farmer from Devon
When his time came prayed for Heaven
But Saint Peter said 'Nay'
A surly old farmer from Devon
When his time came prayed for Heaven
But Saint Peter said 'Nay'
And turned him away
A surly old farmer from Devon
When his time came prayed for Heaven
But Saint Peter said 'Nay'
And turned him away
But told him to come back at seven
A gallant young fellow from Dartford
A surly old farmer from Devon
When his time came prayed for Heaven
But Saint Peter said 'Nay'
'It's downstairs you must stay'
A surly old farmer from Devon
When his time came prayed for Heaven
But Saint Peter said 'Nay'
'It's downstairs you must stay'
And study the SINS, which are seven
Pat was expecting a baby
seems to have got in a bit of a mix
Quote from: Michael Rolls on August 30, 2023, 05:40:21 PMseems to have got in a bit of a mix
My bad - using new posts button landed me on an earlier page. The legitimate first line is
A gallant young fellow from Dartford
Faced the dragon with his trusty sword
A gallant young fellow from Dartford
Faced the dragon with his trusty sword
The flames burnt his beard
A gallant young fellow from Dartford
Faced the dragon with his trusty sword
The flames burnt his beard
But he never feared
A gallant young fellow from Dartford
Faced the dragon with his trusty sword
The flames burnt his beard
But he never feared
And rarely ever was bored
A cheery old fellow kept sheep
A cheery old fellow kept sheep
His daughter was little Bo-Peep
A cheery old fellow kept sheep
His daughter was little Bo-Peep
Her flocks kept going missing
A cheery old fellow kept sheep
His daughter was little Bo-Peep
Her flocks kept going missing
Where they went kept all guessing
A cheery old fellow kept sheep
His daughter was little Bo-Peep
Her flocks kept going missing
Where they went kept all guessing
Whilst Bo-Peep was soundly asleep
****** ******
An old chap who lived near the coast
An old chap who lived near the coast
Was startled one night by a smuggler's ghost
An old chap who lived near the coast
Was startled one night by a smuggler's ghost
As he cried out in fear
An old chap who lived near the coast
Was startled one night by a smuggler's ghost
As he cried out in fear
The ghost started to jeer
An old chap who lived near the coast
Was startled one night by a smuggler's ghost
As he cried out in fear
The ghost started to jeer
And said now you are toast!
A reckless young fellow from Brighton
A reckless young fellow from Brighton
Would speed in his car with no lights on
A reckless young fellow from Brighton
Would speed in his car with no lights on
Til he rounded a bend
A reckless young fellow from Brighton
Would speed in his car with no lights on
Til he rounded a bend
Narrowly missing a friend
A reckless young fellow from Brighton
Would speed in his car with no lights on
Til he rounded a bend
Narrowly missing a friend
Which gave him an awful fright on
A elderly cleric from Cork
An elderly cleric from Cork
Never ate with a knife or a fork
An elderly cleric from Cork
Never ate with a knife or a fork
So he relied on a spoon
An elderly cleric from Cork
Never ate with a knife or a fork
So he relied on a spoon
Though he found pretty soon
An elderly cleric from Cork
Never ate with a knife or a fork
So he relied on a spoon
Though he found pretty soon
It wasn't much use to cut pork
A hard up fellow from Leicester
A hard up fellow from Leicester
Was known to be quite a jester
A hard up fellow from Leicester
Was known to be quite a jester
His favorite jape
A hard up fellow from Leicester
Was known to be quite a jester
His favorite jape
Was to wear only a cape
A hard up fellow from Leicester
Was known to be quite a jester
His favorite jape
Was to wear only a cape
A wave a pigs bladder to pester
Harry wrote a book one day
Harry wrote a book one day
A fairy tale.. 12 Quid to pay
Harry wrote a book one day
A fairy tale.. 12 Quid to pay
but his spelling was poor
Harry wrote a book one day
A fairy tale.. 12 Quid to pay
Wait and Poundland will have it for one
Harry wrote a book one day
A fairy tale.. 12 Quid to pay
Wait and Poundland will have it for one
So I'll buy a copy for my son
Harry wrote a book one day
A fairy tale.. 12 Quid to pay
Wait and Poundland will have it for one
So I'll buy a copy for my son
For Christmas, and hide it away
***********
A wife was top of Harry's list
A wife was top of Harry's list
Because he wondered what he'd missed
A wife was top of Harry's list
Because he wondered what he'd missed
A blonde, redhead, or mousey brown
A wife was top of Harry's list
Because he wondered what he'd missed
A blonde, redhead, or mousey brown
Anyone willing within the town
A wife was top of Harry's list
Because he wondered what he had missed
A blonde, redhead, or mousey brown
Anyone willing within the town
Even a big one he would risk
The fortune teller looked in her ball
The fortune teller looked in her ball
Her client looked headed for a fall
The fortune teller looked in her ball
Her client looked headed for a fall
Should she tell ,or hold her tongue
The fortune teller looked in her ball
Her client looked headed for a fall
Should she tell or hold her tongue
Which tale would get the biggest bung
The fortune teller looked in her ball
Her client looked headed for a fall
Should she tell or hold her tongue
Which tale would get the biggest bung
But the client ran off without paying at all
A man went fishing far out at sea
A man went fishing far out at sea
Unloaded his catch when he docked at the quay
A man went fishing far out at sea
Unloaded his catch when he docked at the Quay
Caught in his net was a Mermaid fair
A man went fishing far out at sea
Unloaded his catch when he docked at the quay
Caught in his net was a Mermaid fair
All curves and smiles and long blonde hair
A man went fishing far out at sea
Unloaded his catch when he docked at the quay
Caught in his net was a Mermaid fair
All curves and smiles and long blonde hair
So he gave her a guided tour, all for free
Mary had a little lamb with fleece as black as soot
Mary had a little lamb with fleece as black a soot
And everywhere the lamb did go black marks were underfoot
Mary had a little lamb with fleece as black a soot
And everywhere the lamb did go black marks were underfoot
Mary popped it in the tub one day
Mary had a little lamb with fleece as black as soot
And everywhere the lamb did go black marks were underfoot
Mary popped it in the tub one day
Boiled.... with mint sauce.. Very tasty I might say
Mary had a little lamb with fleece as black as soot
And everywhere the lamb did go black marks were underfoot
Mary popped it in the tub one day
Boiled.... with mint sauce.. Very tasty I might say
And no more mess upon the floor where a sooty foot was put.
Amazon came to Charlies door while he sat on the loo
Amazon came to Charlie's door while he sat on the loo
At least by ordering on line he didn't have to queue
Amazon came to Charlie's door while he sat on the loo
At least by ordering on line he didn't have to queue
He answered the bell with an app on his phone
Please leave it next door as I'm on the throne
[sorry for doing 2]
Amazon came to Charlie's door while he sat on the loo
At least by ordering on line he didn't have to queue
He answered the bell with an app on his phone
Please leave it next door as I'm on the throne
And next door of course is - Number 2! ☺️
******* *****
The heat was really getting to Fred
The heat was really getting to Fred
At thirty degrees it was boiling his head
The heat was really getting to Fred
At thirty degrees it was boiling his head
He left a puddle wherever he sat
Klondike.. Your two lines (Above) was so clever ...
The heat was really getting to Fred
At thirty degrees it was boiling his head
He left a puddle wherever he sat
But always blamed the family cat
The heat was really getting to Fred
At thirty degrees it was boiling his head
He left a puddle wherever he went
But always blamed the family cat
Something tells me to bring back this thread
FUBAR to me I'll start a new one
Donald loved his ginger hair
Donald loved his ginger hair
He wore it long, he had some flair
Donald loved his ginger hair
He wore it long, he had some flair
But two long plaits seemed rather odd
Donald loved his ginger hair
He wore it long, he had some flair
But two long plaits seemed rather odd
For a brickie carrying a hod
Donald loved his ginger hair
He wore it long, he had some flair
But two long plaits seemed rather odd
For a brickie carrying a hod
But Donald just tossed his head and said he just didn't care
Carrie-Anne was a determined young lass
Carrie-Anne was a determined young lass
She fancied Dave and made a pass
Carrie-Anne was a determined young lass
She fancied Dave and made a pass
But Dave said 'Nay'
Carrie-Anne was a determined young lass
She fancied Dave and made a pass
But Dave fancied Eric the local brickie
????
ooop's... Sorry Michael..
you're forgiven!
Carrie-Anne was a determined young lass
She fancied Dave and made a pass
But Dave fancied Eric the local brickie
Who was prone to throwing a sickie
Carrie-Anne was a determined young lass
She fancied Dave and made a pass
But Dave fancied Eric the local brickie
Who was prone to throwing a sickie
And sadly sometimes passing gas
The scrapman's van was cruising the town
The scrapman's van was cruising the town
Looking for anything not yet tied down
The scrapman's van was cruising the town
Looking for anything not yet tied down
Broken tellies and a washing machine
The scrapman's van was cruising the town
Looking for anything not yet tied down
Broken tellies and a washing machine
An old bit of fencing, painted green
The scrapman's van was cruising the town
Looking for anything not yet tied down
Broken tellies and a washing machine
An old bit of fencing, painted green
Which made him utter an obscene noun
Nobody knew where the new vicar came from
Nobody knew were the new vicar came from
He spoke in Welsh but wore a sporran
Nobody knew were the new vicar came from
He spoke in Welsh but wore a sporran
But without a kilt it was a bit twee
Nobody knew were the new vicar came from
He spoke in Welsh but wore a sporran
But without a kilt it was a bit twee
At least it covered the bits that were hanging free
Nobody knew were the new vicar came from
He spoke in Welsh but wore a sporran
But without a kilt it was a bit twee
At least it covered the bits that were hanging free
What they bargained for, they got more than!
*******. *******
Mary's pet was a miniature goat
Mary's pet was a miniature goat
So small it hid in her coat
Mary's pet was a miniature goat
So small she hid it in her coat
I know that's true I heard it bleating
Mary's pet was a miniature goat
So small she hid it in her coat
I know that's true I heard it bleating
She even took it to a meeting
Mary's pet was a miniature goat
So small she hid it in her coat
I know that's true I heard it bleating
She even took it to a meeting
The chairman let it have a vote.
**********
Melvin struggled with the heat
Melvin struggled with the heat
It really knocked him off his feet
Melvin struggled with the heat
It really knocked him off his feet
Over he went in aisle twenty three
Melvin struggled with the heat
It really knocked him off his feet
Over he went in aisle twenty three
Twisting his ankle and his knee
Melvin struggled with the heat
It really knocked him off his feet
Over he went in aisle twenty three
Twisting his ankle and his knee
He never got to purchase some meat
The doctor said ' Keep taking the pills'
The doctor said 'Keep taking the pills'
They are a cure for all your ills
The doctor said 'Keep taking the pills'
They are a cure for all your ills
Just ignore the voices and that man in the pub
The doctor said 'Keep taking the pills'
They are a cure for all your ills
Just ignore the voices and that man in the pub
The councillors don't get free booze and grub
The doctor said 'Keep taking the pills'
They are a cure for all your ills
Just ignore the voices and that man in the pub
The councillors don't get free booze and grub
Maybe stop paying your daughters bills
A peculiar stranger rode into town
A peculiar stranger rode into town
His very oddness made people frown
A peculiar stranger rode into town
His very oddness made people frown
He said he was sent to teach
A peculiar stranger rode into town
His very oddness made people frown
He said he was sent to teach
But gave the impression it was more to preach
A peculiar stranger rode into town
His very oddness made people frown
He said he was sent to teach
But gave the impression it was more to preach
And was proved to be a 'know all' clown
New one Scrumpy?
Sally put her best frock on and red shoes upon her feet
Sally put her best frock on and red shoes upon her feet
With face made up, hair nicely coiffed, she looked a perfect treat
Sally put her best frock on and red shoes upon her feet
With face made up, hair nicely coiffed, she looked a perfect treat
What have you forgotten? Some wretch snickers
Sally put her best frock on and red shoes upon her feet
With face made up,hair nicely coiffed, she looked a perfect treat
What have you forgotten ? Some wretch snickers
'My hat's not red, so it's not my knickers '
Sally put her best frock on and red shoes upon her feet
With face made up,hair nicely coiffed, she looked a perfect treat
What have you forgotten ? Some wretch snickers
'My hat's not red, so it's not my knickers '
with that confirmed she went to her meet
There was a poor man from Dunedin
Dunedin.. I am not sure how to pronounce that name.
There was a poor man from Dunedin
Whose nose was continually bleeding
There was a poor man from Dunedin
Whose nose was continually bleeding
When aske why this was
There was a poor man from Dunedin
Whose nose was continually bleeding
When asked why this was
He replied 'ask my boss'
There was a poor man from Dunedin
Whose nose was continually bleeding
When asked why this was
He replied 'ask my boss'
'about my pay rise that made him seething'
Alexa said it will rain at ten
Alexa said it will rain at ten
And eleven, and twelve, and then again
Alexa said it will rain at ten
And eleven, and twelve, and then again
She's wrong so far. The sun is shining
Alexa said it will rain at ten
Ans eleven, and twelve, and then again
She's wrong so far, the sun is shining
Over the way is a silver lining
Alexa said it will rain at ten
And eleven, and twelve, and then again
She's wrong so far, the sun is shining
Over the way is a silver lining
And now she's singing, Its Raining Men!
**********
Peter got his energy bill
Peter got his energy bill
His usage though was shown as Nil
Peter got his energy bill
His usage though was shown as Nil
He'd been fiddling with the meter
Peter got his energy bill
His usage though was shown as Nil
He'd been fiddling with the meter
So our Peter was a cheater
Peter got his energy bill
His usage though was shown as Nil
He'd been fiddling with the meter
So our Peter was a cheater
He'll be caught - be sure he will
A fed up oldie sailed a dinghy to France
A fed up oldie sailed a dinghy to France
He passed hundreds of others taking a chance
A fed up oldie sailed a dinghy to France
He passed hundreds of others taking a chance
They were all headed the opposite way
A fed up oldie sailed a dinghy to France
He passed hundreds of others taking a chance
They were all headed the opposite way
And told him they were going to stay
A fed up oldie sailed a dinghy to France
He passed hundreds of others taking a chance
They were all headed the opposite way
And told him they were going to stay
On the streets paved with gold they planned to dance.
**********
Old Brenda loved a G & T
Old Brenda loved a G & T
They helped her forget her dodgy knee
Old Brenda loved a G & T
They helped her forget her dodgy knee
She'd have one at noon and one at three
Old Brenda loved a G & T
They helped her forget her dodgy knee
She'd have one at noon and one at three
Then fall asleep whilst watching TV
Old Brenda loved a G & T
They helped her forget her dodgy knee
She'd have one at noon and one at three
Then fall asleep whilst watching TV
Those drinks. Oh dear. A surprise pee.
Stacey is quitting the Co-Op
Stacey is quitting the Co-op
A joint was found under her top
Stacey is quitting the Co-op
A joint was found under her top
Not beef but some hash
Stacey is quitting the Co-op
A joint was found under her top
Not beef but some hash
Now it pongs and will need a wash
Stacey is quitting the Co-op
A joint was found under her top
Not beef but some hash
Now it pongs and will need a wash
For when Stacy goes out on the pop.
Alex forgot to start a new line
So I've rescued the day by adding mine
Alex forgot to start a new line
So I've rescued the day by adding mine
She fell asleep, been up all night
Scratching a spot where something did bite
Alex forgot to start a new line
So I've rescued the day by adding mine
She fell asleep, been up all night
Scratching a spot where something did bite
Gin & Tonic in hand now everything's fine.
An old fart appeared
An old fart appeared
He was scratching his beard
An old fart appeared
He was scratching his beard
Hoping to stop itching
An old fart appeared
He was scratching his beard
Hoping to stop itching
found some Borwicks Bicarb in the kitchen
An old fart appeared
He was scratching his beard
Hoping to stop itching
found some Borwicks Bicarb in the kitchen
And when it stopped, he cheered!
********
Scrumpy shaved one leg today
Scrumpy shaved one leg today
The trimmings are stored like a bale of hay
Scrumpy shaved one leg today
The trimmings are stored like a bale of hay
Enough for a mattress, a pillow or two
Scrumpy shaved one leg today
The trimmings are stored like a bale of hay
Enough for a mattress, a pillow or two
All were amazed how fast it grew
Scrumpy shaved one leg today
The trimmings are stored like a bale of hay
Enough for a mattress, a pillow or two
All were amazed how fast it grew
She plans to do the other next May. 😄
***********
An election might happen next year
An election might happen next year
A wipe out for the Tories I hear
An election might happen next year
A wipe out for the Tories I hear
Nutty Labour begin to gloat
An election might happen next year
A wipe out for the Tories I hear
Nutty Labour begin to gloat
Knowing many will give them their vote
An election might happen next year
A wipe out for the Tories I hear
Nutty Labour begin to gloat
Knowing many will give them their vote
and once they're in, we'll know fear
A charming young fellow from Skye
A charming young fellow from Skye
Had everything money could buy
A charming young fellow from Skye
Had everything money could buy
He took a ferry to Harris
A charming young fellow from Skye
Had everything money could buy
He took a ferry to Harris
As he was bored with Paris
A charming young fellow from Skye
Had everything money could buy
He took a ferry to Harris
As he was bored with Paris
Got soaked but now he is dry
They've put up a portrait of Sunak
They've put up a portrait of Sunak
The man is as slithery as Lurpak (sorry :grin: )
They've put up a portrait of Sunak
The man is as slithery as Lurpak
At least we know it won't fade the paper
They've put up a portrait of Sunak
The man is as slithery as Lurpak
At least we know it won't fade the paper
I hope it puts a stop to his caper
They've put up a portrait of Sunak
The man is as slithery as Lurpak
At least we know it won't fade the paper
I hope it puts a stop to his caper
Sadly next for the wall is a tasteless plaque
Theresa's memoir will soon be out
Theresa's memoir will soon be out
And when it is her friends will shout
Theresa's memoir will soon be out
And when it is her friends will shout
Disregarding her dire reign
Theresa's memoir will soon be out
And when it is her friends will shout
Disregarding her dire reign
Just hope 'never again!'
Theresa's memoir will soon be out
And when it is her friends will shout
Disregarding her dire reign
Just hope 'never again!'
Another disaster without a doubt.
The was a young lady from Keswick
The was a young lady from Keswick
Whose intelligence rating was "thick"
The was a young lady from Keswick
Whose intelligence rating was "thick"
She dyed her hair blonde
There was a young lady from Keswick
Whose intelligence rating was "thick"
She died her hair blonde
Then off to town swanned
There was a young lady from Keswick
Whose intelligence rating was "thick"
She died her hair blonde
Then off to town swanned
To meet up with Cumbria Mick.
Alex left us with no new start line
Alex left us with no new start line
I know I do it every time
Alex left us with no new start line
I know I do it every time
You need to find one hard to rhyme
Alex left us with no new start line
I know I do it every time
You need to find one hard to rhyme
But they don't 'de dum de dum' every time.
Alex left us with no new start line
I know I do it every time
You need to find one hard to rhyme
But they don't 'de dum de dum' every time
Some are awful - close to a crime
A bonney young lassie from Glasgow
A bonnie young lassie from Glasgow
Took her poodle along to a dog show
A bonnie young lassie from Glasgow
Took her poodle along to a dog show
but her pooch bit the judge
A bonnie young lassie from Glasgow
Took her poodle along to a dog show
but her pooch bit the judge
So she gave in a nudge
A bonnie young lassie from Glasgow
Took her poodle along to a dog show
but her pooch bit the judge
So she gave it a nudge
For falling so low
A reckless young cyclist from Kent
A reckless young cyclist from Kent
Rode with his front wheel well bent
A reckless young cyclist from Kent
Rode with his front wheel well bent
He ran into a car
A reckless young cyclist from Kent
Rode with his front wheel well bent
He ran into a car
Which threw him wide and far
A reckless young cyclist from Kent
Rode with his front wheel well bent
He ran into a car
Which threw him wide and far
And caused the driver to vent
A foolhardy fellow from Frome
Quote from: klondike on September 19, 2023, 11:49:22 AMA reckless young cyclist from Kent
Rode with his front wheel well bent
He ran into a car
Which threw him wide and far
And caused the driver to vent
A foolhardy fellow from Frome
A foolhardy fellow from Frome
Once forgot his way home
A foolhardy fellow from Frome
Once forgot his way home
Should I head left or off to the right?
A foolhardy fellow from Frome
Once forgot his way home
Should I head left or off to the right?
Or go straight through the lights?
A foolhardy fellow from Frome
Once forgot his way home
Should I head left or off to the right?
Or go straight through the lights?
Even better thru the pedestrian zone
A silly old girl named Diane
A silly old girl named Diane
Decided to bake a nice flan
A silly old girl named Diane
Decided to bake a nice flan
She whipped up some eggs
A silly old girl named Diane
Decided to bake a nice flan
She whipped up some eggs
and of sherry some dregs
A silly old girl named Diane
Decided to bake a nice flan
She whipped up some eggs
and of sherry some dregs
After that she ran out of plan
Russell was perming his chest hair
Russell was perming his chest hair
Before heading out to a Pride fair
Russell was perming his chest hair
Before heading out to a Pride fair
where he hoped to meet friends
Russell was perming his chest hair
Before heading out to a Pride fair
where he hoped to meet friends
And set some new trends
Russell was perming his chest hair
Before heading out to a Pride fair
where he hoped to meet friends
And set some new trends
And if someone moaned, he just wouldn't care
A penniless pensioner from Fife
A penniless pensioner from Fife
Thought he'd like a rich wife
A penniless pensioner from Fife
Thought he'd like a rich wife
So he took out an ad
A penniless pensioner from Fife
Thought he'd like a rich wife
So he took out an ad
And was scolded by his dad
A penniless pensioner from Fife
Thought he'd like a rich wife
So he took out an ad
And was scolded by his dad
Who said it would only bring strife
King Charles has gone to Paris
King Charles has gone to Paris
A chat with Macron in the Elysee Palace
King Charles has gone to Paris
A chat with Macron in the Elysee Palace
Camilla all in pink
King Charles has gone to Paris
A chat with Macron in the Elysee Palace
Camilla all in pink
Charlie too. That'll make 'em think.
King Charles has gone to Paris
A chat with Macron in the Elysee Palace
Camilla all in pink
Charlie too. That'll make 'em think
Now they're wondering where their car is?
***************
Yesterday, Dave got soaked by the rain
Yesterday, Dave got soaked by the rain
He forgot his brolly, what a pain
Yesterday, Dave got soaked by the rain
He forgot his brolly, what a pain
As shoes started to squelch
Yesterday, Dave got soaked by the rain
He forgot his brolly, what a pain
As shoes started to squelch
He thought he was Welsh
Yesterday, Dave got soaked by the rain
He forgot his brolly, what a pain
As shoes started to squelch
He thought he was Welsh
But he wasn't - just insane
There once was a jolly old buffer
There once was a jolly old buffer
Whose life couldnt be any tougher
There once was a jolly old buffer
Whose life couldnt be any tougher
but despite all of that
There once was a jolly old buffer
Whose life couldnt be any tougher
but despite all of that
He went on to breed cats
Whose life couldnt be any tougher
but despite all of that
We went on to breed cats
Who always sat on the mats.
There once was a jolly old buffer
Whose life couldnt be any tougher
But despite all of that
He went on to breed cats
Not bad for a grumpy old duffer.
There once was a cyclist from London
There once was a cyclist from London
Who had problems getting his shorts on
There once was a cyclist from London
Who had problems getting his shorts on
Tug as he might
There once was a cyclist from London
Who had problems getting his shorts on
Tug as he might
They were just too tight
There once was a cyclist from London
Who had problems getting his shorts on
Tug as he might
They were just too tight
So he just gave up an put trews on
there was a tall person from Louth
There was a tall person from Louth
Who went on a coach trip down south
There was a tall person from Louth
Who went on a coach trip down south
His legroom was bad
There was a tall person from Louth
Who went on a coach trip down south
His legroom was bad
The cramp drove him mad
There was a tall person from Louth
Who went on a coach trip down south
His legroom was bad
The cramp drove him mad
and he bit the inside of his mouth
There once was a very keen copper
There once was a very keen copper
Whose truncheon was an absolute whopper
There once was a very keen copper
Whose truncheon was an absolute whopper
He'd often get it out
There once was a very keen copper
Whose truncheon was an absolute whopper
He'd often get it out
And give anyone a clout
There once was a very keen copper
Whose truncheon was an absolute whopper
He'd often get it out
And give anyone a clout
That action of course deemed improper
There was an old man from Crewe
There was an old man from Crewe
Who was far too impatient to queue
There was an old man from Crewe
Who was far too impatient to queue
But one day in the shop
There was an old man from Crewe
Who was far too impatient to queue
But one day in the shop
He stood to eavesdrop
Aren't you finishing the one above ?
I was on wrong page.
There was an old man from Crewe
Who was far too impatient to queue
But one day in the shop
He stood to eavesdrop
When he spotted somebody he knew
William bunked off school one day
William bunked off school one day
Deciding that he wanted to play
William bunked off school one day
Deciding that he wanted to play
His mum found out
William bunked off school one day
Deciding that he wanted to play
His mum found out
And gave him a clout
William bunked off school one day
Deciding that he wanted to play
His mum found out
And gave him a clout
'Child abuse William did shout
A tree-hugging Green from Port Talbot
A tree-hugging Green from Port Talbot
Went to London to met Diane Abbott
A tree-hugging Green from Port Talbot
Went to London to meet Diane Abbott
She got it all wrong and went to his place
A tree-hugging Green from Port Talbot
Went to London to meet Diane Abbott
She got it all wrong and went to his place
But she didn't care by the look on her face
A tree-hugging Green from Port Talbot
Went to London to meet Diane Abbott
She got it all wrong and went to his place
But she didn't care by the look on her face
After all wrong is her habit
Karen is always on her phone
Karen is always on her phone
and that's why she' always alone
Karen is always on her phone
and that's why she's always alone
An hour on Facebook then three on Twitter
Karen is always on her phone
and that's why she's always alone
An hour on Facebook then three on Twitter
No man and no job, she's feeling bitter
Karen is always on her phone
and that's why she's always alone
An hour on Facebook then three on Twitter
No man and no job, she's feeling bitter
She's off down the pub now to have a good moan
There was an old frau from Berlin
There was an old frau from Berlin
Who was very partial to gin
There was an old frau from Berlin
Who was very partial to gin
one glass at noon, another at five
There was an old frau from Berlin
Who was very partial to gin
one glass at noon, another at five
The tonic she swore kept her alive
There was an old frau from Berlin
Who was very partial to gin
one glass at noon, another at five
The tonic she swore kept her alive
And enabled her to upset her kin
A desperate young man from Dundee
A desperate young man from Dundee
Went on a blind date on Monday
A desperate young man from Dundee
Went on a blind date on Monday
He got a surprise
A desperate man from Dundee
Went on a blind date on Monday
He got a surprise
When he looked into her eyes
A desperate man from Dundee
Went on a blind date on Monday
He got a surprise
When he looked into her eyes
And she said can I sit on your knee
A fortune teller from Neath
A fortune teller from Neath
Said she could tell the future from teeth
A fortune teller from Neath
Said she could tell the future from teeth
In the post they were sent...
A fortune teller from Neath
Said she could tell the future from teeth
In the post they were sent...
From a now gummy gent
A fortune teller from Neath
Said she could tell the future from teeth
In the post they were sent...
From a now gummy gent
Whose toffee box became obsolete
Oh bugger! Said Alex I've done it again
Oh bugger! said Alex I've done it again
The others will think me a bit of a pain
Oh bugger! said Alex I've done it again
The others will think me a bit of a pain
Not me said klondike I screw it up too
Oh bugger! said Alex I've done it again
The others will think me a bit of a pain
Not me said Klondike I screw it up too
Nor me said Scrumpy I'm a silly old moo
Oh bugger ! said Alex I've done it again
The others will think me a bit of a pain
Not me said Klondike I screw it up too
Nor me said Scrumpy I'm a silly old moo
But Michael has done it .. such a shame
Bill had one leg longer than the other
Bill had one leg longer than the other
Exactly opposite to his older brother
Bill had one leg longer than the other
Exactly opposite to his older brother
Their younger brother had two short legs
Bill had one leg longer than the other
Exactly opposite to his older brother
Their younger brother had two short legs
Little more than stumpy pegs
Bill had one leg longer than the other
Exactly opposite to his older brother
Their younger brother had two short legs
Little more than stumpy pegs
They never mention their 6ft mother
Ethel was off to the Bingo at seven
Ethel was off to the Bingo at seven
That's what she told her hubby Kevin
Ethel was off to the Bingo at seven
That's what she told her hubby Kevin
In fact she was meeting the local bobby
Ethel was off to the Bingo at seven
That's what she told her hubby Kevin
In fact she was meeting the local bobby
So they could indulge in their favourite hobby
Ethel was off to the Bingo at seven
That's what she told her husband Kevin
In fact she was meeting the local bobby
So they could indulge in their favourite hobby
Something that was 'made in heaven '
Betty had a run in her stocking
Betty had a run in her stocking,
Her house was damp and the drains kept blocking
Betty had a run in her stocking,
Her house was damp and the drains kept blocking
Never one to wear a frown
Betty had a run in her stocking,
Her house was damp and the drains kept blocking
Never one to wear a frown
she hid the run with a long red gown
Betty had a run in her stocking,
Her house was damp and the drains kept blocking
Never one to wear a frown
she hid the run with a long red gown
But the smell from those drains was shocking!
Oh goody it's Friday tomorrow
Oh goody it's Friday tomorrow
Be gettibg my paypacket full of dough
Oh goody it's Friday tomorrow
Be gettibg my paypacket full of dough
I'll make it last til Tuesday
Oh goody it's Friday tomorrow
Be getting my paypacket full of dough
I'll make it last til Tuesday
Then scrimp til the next payday
Oh goody it's Friday tomorrow
Be getting my paypacket full of dough
I'll make it last til Tuesday
Then scrimp til the next payday
Then the rent money I will blow
A terribly posh girl from Preston
A terribly posh girl from Preston
Was a huge fan of Charlton Heston
A terribly posh girl from Preston
Was a huge fan of Charlton Heston
So she watched 'El Cid'
A terribly posh girl from Preston
Was a huge fan of Charlton Heston
So she watched 'El Cid'
And nearly swooned as she did
A terribly posh girl from Preston
Was a huge fan of Charlton Heston
So she watched 'El Cid'
And nearly swooned as she did
Just as well she had a warm vest on
A very keen student of horses
A very keen student of horses
Was asked to join Special Forces
A very keen student of horses
Was asked to join Special Forces
Up high she sat
On a handsome black
A very keen student of horses
Was asked to join Special Forces
Up high she sat
On a handsome black
And came first on all of the courses
A penniless teacher of French
A penniless teacher of French
One day thought his thirst he would quench
A penniless teacher of French
One day thought his thirst he would quench
He opened a can
A penniless teacher of French
One day thought his thirst he would quench
He opened a can
But oh my! Out ran....🤯
A penniless teacher of French
One day thought his thirst he would quench
He opened a can
But oh my!! Out ran ....
A rat.. with a terrible stench.
Mabel reversed her car with a 'bang'
Mabel reversed her car with a 'bang'
Oh no. Not again. Not another prang.
Mabel reversed her car with a 'bang'
Oh no. Not again. Not another prang.
This made seven
Mabel reversed her car with a 'bang'
Oh no. Not again. Not another prang.
This made seven
She'll never get to heaven
Mabel reversed her car with a 'bang'
Oh no .Not again. Not another prang.
This made seven
Shell never go to Heaven
But to Hell with the rest of the gang
A Seagull swooped down and took Alfie's chips
A Seagull swooped down and took Alfie's chips
He reached up an arm to give it a clip
A Seagull swooped down and took Alfie's chips
He reached up an arm to give it a clip
It returned to give his nose a peck
A seagull swooped down and took Alfie's chips
He reached up an arm to give it a clip
It returned to give his nose a peck
But aimed for the jugular on his neck
A seagull swooped down and took Alfie's chips
He reached up an arm to give it a clip
It returned to give his nose a peck
But aimed for the jugular on his neck
'Gerrof me chips' the last word from poor Alfie's lips
Alex, get your arse over here and start a new line
You have forgotten to do this many a time
Alex, get your arse over here and start a new line
You have forgotten to do this many a time
Patience, patience Scrumpy dear
We'll get this sorted have no fear
Alex, get your arse over here and start a new line
You have forgotten to do this many a time
Patience, patience Scrumpy dear
We'll get this sorted have no fear
We could try bribing her with cocktails or 🍸gin and lime?
***** ***** *****
We all get forgetful as time marches on
We all get forgetful as time marches on
I had a great rhyme but now it has gone
We all get forgetful as time marches on
I had a great rhyme but now it has gone
Memory fails as we get old
We all get forgetful as time marches on
I had a great rhyme but now it has gone
Memory fails as we get old
We even end up not very bold
We all get forgetful as time marches on
I had a great rhyme but now it has gone
Memory fades as we get old
We even end up not very bold
I have forgotten who I am.. so will remain anon
Let's write a limerick, one line at a time
Let's write a limerick, one line at a time
You do your's & I'll do mine
Let's write a limerick, one line at a time
You do your's & I'll do mine
A bit of a joke, a double meaning
Let's write a limerick, one line at a time
You do your's & I'll do mine
A bit of a joke, a double meaning
Phil's around it might need cleaning
Let's write a limerick, one line at a time
You do your's & I'll do mine
A bit of a joke, a double meaning
Phil's around it might need cleaning
But if its funny, it'll be just fine 🙂
A fusty old farmer from Rhyl
A fusty old farmer from Rhyl
Had bought a little blue pill
A fusty old farmer from Rhyl
Had bought a little blue pill
He took it to bed
A fusty old farmer from Rhyl
Had bought a little blue pill
He took it to bed
Excited at what was ahead
A fusty old farmer from Rhyl
Had bought a little blue pill
He took it to bed
Excited at what was ahead
But dozed off quite quickly - no thrill
An unlucky parson from Ealing
An unlucky parson from Ealing
Had a problem rising from kneeling
An unlucky parson from Ealing
Had a problem rising from kneeling
So his daily devotiond
An unlucky parson from Ealing
Had a problem rising from kneeling
So his daily devotion
Was an impossible notion
An unlucky parson from Ealing
Had a problem rising from kneeling
So his daily devotion
Was an impossible notion
So he sobbed out his problem with feeling
A young ballet dancer from Crieff
A young ballet dancer from Crieff
Ate little but carrots and beef
A young ballet dancer from Crieff
Ate little but carrots and beef
So her muscles were strong
A young ballet dancer from Crieff
Ate little but carrots and beef
So her muscles were strong
But her balance was wrong
A young ballet dancer from Crieff
Ate little but carrots and beef
So her muscles were strong
But her balance was wrong
So she fell and boke most of her teeth
A smarmy MP from the Brecon
Quote from: Michael Rolls on October 04, 2023, 08:41:05 AMA young ballet dancer from Crieff
Ate little but carrots and beef
So her muscles were strong
But her balance was wrong
So she fell and boke most of her teeth
Good flowing one guys !!!!!!!!!!
A smarmy MP from the Brecon
Had trouble keeping his keks on
A smarmy MP from Brecon
Had trouble keeping his kegs on
He would flash his beacon
Quote from: Scrumpy on October 04, 2023, 11:42:20 AMA smarmy MP from Brecon
Had trouble keeping his kegs on
He would flash his beacon
What are kegs ?
A smarmy MP from Brecon
Had trouble keeping his keks on
He would flash his beacon
Hoping it didn't weaken
What are kegs ?
Either a typo or what posh folk say instead of keks. They get called skiddies around here 'cos we is even less posh :grin:
Quote from: klondike on October 04, 2023, 02:01:08 PMThey get called skiddies around here 'cos we is even less posh :grin:
Full marks for that.
💩
💩
💩
A smarmy MP from Brecon
Had trouble keeping his keks on
He would flash his beacon
Hoping it didn't weaken
At least til he'd bent it like Beckham
There was an old wench from Wallasey
There was an old wench from Wallasey
When asked her age, she just wouldn't say
There was an old wench from Wallasey
When asked her age, she just wouldn't say
I'm younger than you, she said with a grin
There was an old wench from Wallasey
When asked her age, she just wouldn't say
I'm younger than you, she said with a grin
I'll tell you the truth if you buy me a gin
Quote from: Alex on October 04, 2023, 11:46:29 AMWhat are kegs ?
My apologies .. Kegs are pants... I wrote it without looking fully at the word KEKS
feckless lod man from Louth
A feckless old man from Louth
Decided to move down south
A feckless old man from Louth
Decided to move down south
But his mortgage was vast
A feckless old man from Louth
Decided to move down south
But his mortgage was vast
and the women were 'fast'
A feckless old man from Louth
Decided to move down south
But his mortgage was vast
And the women were 'fast'
He ended up down at the mouth
Peggy bought a big cream cake.
Peggy bought a big cream cake.
To take to Uncle Joey's wake
Peggy bought a big cream cake.
To take to Uncle Joey's wake
But imagine her dismay...
Peggy bought a big cream cake.
To take to Uncle Joey's wake
But imagine her dismay...
When ten bob she had to pay
Peggy bought a big cream cake.
To take to Uncle Joey's wake
But imagine her dismay...
When ten bob she had to pay
And the cream in the cake was fake.
*******************
This one was never finished...
There was an old wench from Wallasey
When asked her age, she just wouldn't say
I'm younger than you, she said with a grin
I'll tell you the truth if you buy me a gin
And once I've drunk that, I'll be off and away.
******* ********
The day was dark when Joey rose
The day was dark when Joey rose
Without a light he stubbed his toes
The day was dark when Joey rose
Without a light he stubbed his toes
Cursing and hopping he stumbled and fell
The day was dark when Joey rose
Without a light he stubbed his toes
Cursing and hopping he stumbled and fell
The air was filed with ' bloody hell !'
The day was dark when Joey rose
Without a light he stubbed his toes
Cursing and hopping he stumbled and fell
The air was filed with ' bloody hell !'
When he fell he'd bust his nose.
******** ********
Maria was a big strong lass
Maria was a big strong lass
She sang in the hills before going to Mass
Maria was a big strong lass
She sang in the hills before going to Mass
That panicked the wildlife for miles around
Maria was a big strong lass
She sang in the hills before going to Mass
That panicked the wildlife for miles around
Which vanished with many a bound
Maria was a big strong lass
She sang in the hills before going to Mass
That panicked the wildlife for miles around
Which vanished with many a bound
But that didn't stop Maria and all that jazz :boo:
There once was a man called Dutch John
There once was a man called Dutch John
Nobody is sure just where he has gone
There once was a man called Dutch John
Nobody is sure just where he has gone
He may be in Birmingham telling tall tales
There once was a man called Dutch John
Nobody is sure just where he has gone
He may be in Birmingham telling tall tales
Or tending sheep in deepest Wales
There once was a man called Dutch John
Nobody is sure just where he has gone
He may be in Birmingham telling tall tales
Or tending sheep in deepest Wales
All the wrong guesses just make him yawn
A wee fair maid from Pontypridd
A wee fair maid from Pontypridd
Got drunk one night and fell down a grid
A wee fair maid from Pontypridd
Got drunk one night and fell down a grid
Skirt up round her neck and legs akimbo
A wee fair maid from Pontypridd
Gone drunk one night and fell down a grid
Skirt up round her neck and legs akimbo
It's called 'legs eleven' at local bingo
A wee fair maid from Pontypridd
Gone drunk one night and fell down a grid
Skirt up round her neck and legs akimbo
It's called 'legs eleven' at local bingo
But she got hauled back up by a guy called Sid
A commercial rep from down south
A commercial rep from down South
Was renowned for being a loudmouth
A commercial rep from down South
Was renowned for being a loudmouth
He could be heard in Chorley
A commercial rep from down South
Was renowned for being a loudmouth
He could be heard in Chorley
And as far as Burnley
A commercial rep from down South
Was renowned for being a loudmouth
He could be heard in Chorley
And as far as Burnley
And then he pissed off to Louth
New one Phil :upvote:
I have stood in for Phil..
Betty had the perfect pair .. of shoes
Betty had the perfect pair .. of shoes
She wore them on her Mediterranean cruise
Betty had the perfect pair.. of shoes
She wore them on her Mediterranean cruise
The men admired them when she did walk
Their mouths fell open and eyes on stalks
From all the men she could choose
The last Limerick was a pain in the bum
Quote from: Alex on October 09, 2023, 08:46:53 PMNew one Phil :upvote:
Are right, I hadn't realised that I had to start one. :grin:
Quote from: Scrumpy on October 10, 2023, 03:22:29 PMBetty had the perfect pair.. of shoes
She wore them on her Mediterranean cruise
The men admired them when she did walk
Their mouths fell open and eyes on stalks
From all the men she could choose
The last Limerick was a pain in the bum
You started it ! :grin:
The last limerick was a pain in the bum
Some of the rhymes left me quite numb
The last limerick was a pain in the bum
Some of the rhymes left me quite numb
Perhaps a rest is needed by all
We really seem to have hit a wall
The last limerick was a pain in the bum
Some of the rhymes left me quite numb
Perhaps a rest is needed by all
We really seem to have hit a wall
You miserable lot have left me glum
Let's hope the next one's on the money
Let's hope the next one's on the money
And if we're lucky, really funny
Let's hope the next one's on the money
And if we're lucky, really funny
I'm sure we can
Write five lines that scan
Let's hope the next one's on the money
And if we're lucky, really funny
I'm sure we can
Write five lines that scan
I bet this one goes down the dunny
Oh bugger me Scrumpy's at it now
Oh bugger me Scrumpy's at it now
I don't now why, I don't know how
Oh bugger me Scrumpy's at it now
I don't know why, I don't know how
Please don't whip me.. well, Phil can try
Oh bugger me Scrumpy's at it now
I don't know why, I don't know how
Please don't whip me.. well, Phil can try
What's going on, are you going to cry?
Oh bugger me Scrumpy's at it now
I don't know why, I don't know how
Please don't whip me.. well, Phil can try
What's going on, are you going to cry?
No but she's looking to start a row !
Alex, you forgot again
You had a new first line to pen
Alex , you forgot again
You had a new first line to pen
It could be an age thing.. very sad.
Alex , you forgot again
You had a new first line to pen
It could be an age thing.. very sad
Yep - it's driving us all mad
Alex , you forgot again
You had a new first line to pen
It could be an age thing.. very sad
Yep - it's driving us all mad
Sorry, this time its 0/10!
XxxxxxxX
A forgetful old girl from the Wirral
A forgetful old girl from the Wirral
Had a next door neighbour called Cyril
A forgetful old girl from the Wirral
Had a next door neighbour called Cyril
But she called him Fred ,Bert, Harry
A forgetful old girl from the Wirral
Had a next door neighbour called Cyril
But she called him Fred ,Bert, Harry
And sometimes even Larry
A forgetful old girl from the Wirral
Had a next door neighbour called Cyril
But she called him Fred ,Bert, Harry
And sometimes even Larry
For she had the IQ of a squirrel
A brilliant young painter from Kent
A brilliant young painter from Kent
Whose friends all thought he was bent
A brilliant young painter from Kent
Whose friends all thought he was bent
So they left him alone
A brilliant young painter from Kent
Whose friends all thought he was bent
So they left him alone
Except Harold ,who was prone
A brilliant young painter from Kent
Whose friends all thought he was bent
So they left him alone
Except Harold ,who was prone
To queers with unusual scents
A wise old vicar from Poole
A wise old vicar from Poole
Was clearly nobody's fool
A wise old vicar from Poole
Was clearly nobody's fool
He doubled the size of his offertory plate
A wise old vicar from Poole
Was clearly nobody's fool
He doubled the size of his offertory plate
And installed a turnstile at the church gate
A wise old vicar from Poole
Was clearly nobody's fool
He doubled the size of his offertory plate
And installed a turnstile at the church gate
No nobody disturbs his time by the pool
The rain has stopped it's dry at last
The rain has stopped it's dry at last
It's time to put on the clouts we cast
The rain has stopped it's dry at last
It's time to put on the clouts we cast
Wait. Oh no it's started snowing
The rain has stopped it's dry at last
It's time to put on the clouts we cast
Wait. Oh no it's started snowing
Climate change? There is no knowing
The rain has stopped it's dry at last
It's time to put on the clouts we cast
Wait. Oh no it's started snowing
Climate change? There is no knowing
I'll build my ark and raise the mast
Oh blast I need another starter
Oh blast I need another starter
Thats the rule, its in the charter
Oh blast I need another starter
Thats the rule, its in the charter
So no use moaning
Oh blast I need another starter
That's the rule, it's in the charter
So no use moaning
at Alex .. or groaning
Oh blast I need another starter
That's the rule, it's in the charter
So no use moaning
or at Alex .. groaning
Because she lost her scarlet garter
There was a young man from Pitlochry
There was a young man from Pitlochry
I wish he wasn't said I with a sigh
There was a young man from Pitlochry
I wish he wasn't said I with a sigh
It's got to rhyme
There was a young man from Pitlochry
I wish he wasn't said I with a sigh
It's got to rhyme
So I had a tough time
And almost started to cry
He got in his car and moved to Dunbar
He got in his car and moved to Dunbar
His wife didn't go.. said 'It's too far'
He got in his car and moved to Dunbar
His wife didn't go.. said 'It's too far'
So she waited alone
He got in his car and moved to Dunbar
His wife didn't go.. said 'It's too far'
So she waited alone
Hoping he'd phone
He got in his car and moved to Dunbar
His wife didn't go .. said 'It's too far'
So she waited alone
Hoping he'd phone
But she ,never again, saw his car
Mabel was driving up a One Way Street
Mabel was driving up a One Way street
She wasn't the brightest, her brains were in her feet
Mabel was driving up a One Way street
She wasn't the brightest, her brains were in her feet
Why were there idiots on the wrong side ot the road?
Mabel was driving up a One Way street
She wasn't the brightest, her brains were in her feet
Why were there idiots on the wrong side ot the road?
This wasn't in her Highway Code
Mabel was driving up a One Way Street
And ran over a pedestrian's feet
Mabel was driving up a One Way street
She wasn't the brightest, her brains were in her feet
Why were there idiots on the wrong side ot the road?
This wasn't in her Highway Code
So she turned around for a quick retreat
There was a young lady from York
There was a young lady from York
Who's husband was a bit of a gawk
There was a young lady from York
Who's husband was a bit of a gawk
He went shopping one day
There was a young lady from York
Who's husband was a bit of a gawk
He went shopping one day
And spent all his pay
There was a young lady from York
Who's husband was a bit of a gawk
He went shopping one day
And spent all his pay
On a parrot that had lost all it's squawk
October 14, 2023, 04:36:53 PM
Bert was given a brand new broom
Bert was given a brand new broom
Which only deepened his state of gloom
Bert was given a brand new broom
Which only deepened his state of gloom
The head fell off and then the handle
Bert was given a brand new broom
Which only deepened his state of gloom
The head fell off and then the handle
Compared to his old one it couldn't hold a candle
Bert was given a brand new broom
Which only deepened his state of gloom
The head fell off and then the handle
Compared to his old one it couldn't hold a candle
Found his old one in a skip, lifted his sense of doom.
Xxxxxxx xxxxxxX
Peter was planning to go on a trip
Peter was planning to go on a trip
He fancied a cruise on a lovely posh ship
Peter was planning to go on a trip
He fancied a cruise on a lovely posh ship
He stood on the deck and his face turned green
Peter was planning to go on a trip
He fancied a cruise on a lovely posh ship
He stood on the deck and his face turned green
With envy seeing another with his love Marlene
Peter was planning to go on a trip
He fancied a cruise on a lovely posh ship
He stood on the deck and his face turned green
With envy seeing another with his love Marlene
She gave him a wave, and shouted 'toodle pip'!
XxxxxxxxxxxxX
She'd had a better offer from a widower called Pete
He took her sequence dancing, and swept her off her feet
She'd had a better offer from a widower called Pete
He took her sequence dancing , and swept her off her feet
He taught her how to tango and held her very close
She'd had a better offer from a widower called Pete
He took her sequence dancing , and swept her off her feet
He taught her how to tango and held her very close
As well as a fat pension, he was nifty on his toes
She'd had a better offer from a widower called Pete
He took her sequence dancing, and swept her off her feet
He taught her how to tango and held her very close
As well as a fat pension, he was nifty on his toes
And money he had heaps. Marlene decide it was Pete she would keep
Oh deary dear it's happened again
Have I remembered this right ?
Lines 1,2 and 5 must rhyme
Lines 2 and 4 are shorter and must also rhyme
October 16, 2023, 11:41:15 AM
Oh deary dear it's happened again
Yes it's here, rain and more rain
Oh deary dear it's happened again
Yes it's here, rain and more rain
Plus the air has got quite chilly
Don't think the lenght matters. It just needs to be capable of being said with a bit of a rhythm
Oh deary dear it's happened again
Yes it's here, rain and more rain
Plus the air has got quite chilly
And my red bobble hat looks a bit silly
Oh deary dear it's happened again
Yes it's here, rain and more rain
Plus the air has got quite chilly
And my red bobble hat looks a bit silly
Maybe I'll take a week in Spain
Oh joy on joy Evri have delivered my stuff
Oh joy on joy Evri have delivered my stuff
Some high heeled wellies and a leopardskin muff
Oh joy on joy Evri have delivered my stuff
Some high heeled wellies and a leopardskin muff
But they've forgotten my pink lycra leotard
Oh joy on joy Evri have delivered my stuff
Some high heeled wellies and a leopardskin muff
But they've forgotten my pink lycra leotard
Even though they charged it to my credit card
Oh joy on joy Evri has delivered my stuff
Some high heeled wellies and a leopard skin muff
But they've forgotten my pink Lycra leotard
Even though they charged it my my credit card
I won't use them again ..I've had enough
Ollie loved a drop of sherry
Ollie loved a drop of sherry
It always left him feeling merry
Best of all of course was brandy
Ollie loved a drop of sherry
It always left him feeling merry
Best of all of course was brandy
He always kept a bottle handy 😉
Ollie loved a drop of sherry
It always left him feeling merry
Best of all of course was brandy
He always kept a bottle handy
Or any cocktail served with a cherry
It's odd the things you see in Lidl
Its odd the things you see in Lidl
Polish sausage, a child's toy fiddle
It's odd the things you see in Lidl
Polish sausage, a child's toy fiddle
Plus some of the customers are pretty weird
It's odd the things you see in Lidl
Polish sausage, a child's toy fiddle
Plus some of the customers are pretty weird
The guy in the dress with the purple beard
It's odd the things you see in Lidl
Polish sausage, a child's toy fiddle
Plus some of the customers are pretty weird
The guy in the dress with a purple beard
Is that the store with the aisle in the middle ?
The nurse said 'Just a little prick'
The nurse said 'Just a little prick'
I apologised and ran out quick
The nurse said 'Just a little prick'
I apologised and ran out quick
Of course I had misunderstood
The nurse said 'Just a little prick'
I apologised and ran out quick
Of course I had misunderstood
The word as from my childhood
The nurse said 'Just a little prick'
I apologised and ran out quick
Of course I had misunderstood
The word as from my childhood
I guess that's why I'm called 'Thick Mick'
October 17, 2023, 06:36:08 PM
Winnie called 'house' on legs eleven
Winnie called 'house' on legs eleven
Freddie was jealous he needed a seven
Winnie called 'house' on legs eleven
Freddie was jealous he needed a seven
It was soon 'eyes down' again
Winnie called 'house' on legs eleven
Freddie was jealous he needed a seven
It was soon 'eyes down' again
The hope of a prize drove him insane
Winnie called 'house' on legs eleven
Freddie was jealous he needed a seven
It was soon 'eyes down' again
The hope of a prize drove him insane
It was Ethel who won the two nights in Devon
Cyril found a tenner laying on the street
Cyril found a tenner laying on the street
And seeing it was right there at his feet
Cyril found a tenner laying on the street
And seeing it was right there at his feet
He popped it in his pocket
Cyril found a tenner laying on the street
And seeing it was right there at his feet
He popped it in his pocket
And ran off like a rocket
Cyril found a tenner laying on the street
And seeing it was right there at his feet
He popped it in his pocket
And ran off like a rocket
Up to the chippy for a teatime treat
new first line please
Alex has gone back to bed
Was it something that Michael said !!
Alex has gone back to bed
Was it something that Michael said !!
Or just an age thing to forget?
Alex has gone back to bed
Was it something that Michael said !!
Or just an age thing to forget?
And leave others the next puzzle to set
Alex has gone back to bed
Was it something that Michael said !!
Or just an age thing to forget?
And leave others the next puzzle to set
When she sees this will her face be red?
Oh no it's Lidl day again
Oh no it's Lidl day again
No Waitrose for me.. a real pain
Oh no it's Lidl day again
No Waitrose for me.. a real pain
We ain't so posh round here
Oh no it's Lidl day again
No Waitrose for me.. a real pain
We ain't so posh round here
But never fret, my dear
Tesco will deliver .. even in the rain
Molly showed off her shiny new ring
Molly showed off her shiny new ring,
It wasn't her first, she had plenty of bling 💍💍
Molly showed off her shiny new ring,
It wasn't her first, she had plenty of bling
The ring lasted longer than the man
Molly showed off her shiny new ring,
It wasn't her first, she had plenty of bling
The ring lasted longer than the man
As off with his wealth she ran
Molly showed off her shiny new ring,
It wasn't her first, she had plenty of bling
The ring lasted longer than the man
As off with his wealth she ran
Looking for her next exciting fling.
XxxxxxxxxX
Jimmy went to the gym every day
Jimmy went to the gym every day
With all things with which he could play
Jimmy went to the gym every day
With all things with which he could play
He rowed a boat, and peddled a bike
Jimmy went to the gym every day
With all things with which he could play
He rowed a boat, and peddled a bike
But the parallel beams he did not like
Jimmy went to the gym every day
With all things with which he could play
He rowed a boat, and peddled a bike
But the parallel beams he did not like
His lycra split so he ran away :rolleyes:
A smart young lady from Chester
A smart young lady from Chester
Dated a fool from Leicester
A smart young lady from Chester
Dated a fool from Leicester
They went to a pub
A smart young lady from Chester
Dated a fool from Leicester
They went to a pub
Drank six pints, ate some grub
A smart young lady from Chester
Dated a fool from Leicester
They went to a pub
Drank six pints, ate some grub
And the police came to arrest her
There once was a man from Carlisle
There once was a man from Carlisle
The smell from his feet was quite vile
There once was a man from Carlisle
The smell of his feet was quite vile
Dogs that passed by keeled over
There once was a man from Carlisle
The smell of his feet was quite vile
Dogs that passed by keeled over
Twas the end of poor Rover
There once was a man from Carlisle
The smell of his feet was quite vile
Dogs that passed by keeled over
Twas the end of poor Rover
Who sadly was within half a mile
xxxxxxxxxx
An old woman from Derby once said
An old woman from Derby once said
'I can't get Elvis... out of my head'
An old woman from Derby once said
'I can't get Elvis... out of my head'
She booked a ticket to Graceland
An old woman from Derby once said
'I can't get Elvis... out of my head'
She booked a ticket to Graceland
Bought a sequined frock and head band
An old woman from Derby once said
' I can't get Elvis ... out of my head'
She booked a ticket to Graceland
Bought a sequined frock and head band
And took along her old mate called Fred
October 23, 2023, 09:55:31 AM
Billy nicked a chicken from the corner shop
Billy nicked a chicken from the corner shop
But he was spotted running by the local cop
Billy nicked a chicken from the corner shop
But he was spotted running by the local cop
Who felt his collar when he tripped and fell
Billy nicked a chicken from the corner shop
But he was spotted running by the local cop
Who felt his collar when he tripped and fell
And marched him off to the local Bridewell.
Billy nicked a chicken from the corner shop
But he was spotted running by the local cop
Who felt his collar when he tripped and fell
And marched him off to the local Bridewell
The judge said ' Naughty..On yer bike ,chop chop'.
Millie went to the chippy for tea
Millie went to the chippy for tea
"Now what shall I order, let me see..."
Millie went to the chippy for tea
"Now what shall I order, let me see..."
Short on cash she just had chips
Millie went to the chippy for tea
"Now what shall I order, let me see..."
Short on cash she just had chips
Eaten with her fingertips :rolleyes:
Millie went to the chippy for tea
"Now what shall I order, let me see..."
Short on cash she just had chips
Eaten with her fingertips :rolleyes:
And threw the wrapper into the sea
a harmless old duffer from Kingston
A harmless old duffer from Kingston
Had a clever brother who went to Princeton
A harmless old duffer from Kingston
Had a clever brother who went to Princeton
So not to be outdone
A harmless old duffer from Kingston
Had a clever brother who went to Princeton
So not to be outdone
A diploma on potholes he won
A harmless old duffer from Kingston
Had a clever brother who went to Princeton
So not to be outdone
A diploma on potholes he won
From a college somewhere near Wilsden.
**********
A cheeky old girl called Irene
A cheeky old girl called Irene
Was totally addicted to caffeine
A cheeky old girl called Irene
Was totally addicted to caffeine
But after ten cups
A cheeky old girl called Irene
Was totally addicted to caffeine
But after ten cups
She gets bloated and erupts
A cheeky old girl called Irene
Was totally addicted to caffeine
But after ten cups
She gets bloated and erupts
And all quickly depart from the scene
An early morning runner named Brian
An early morning runner named Brian
One day tried to outrun a lion
An early morning runner named Brian
One day tried to outrun a lion
For Brian this was no problem at all
An early morning runner named Brian
One day tried to outrun a lion
For Brian this was no problem at all
As he managed to jump over a wall
An early morning runner named Brian
One day tried to outrun a lion
For Brian this was no problem at all
As he managed to jump over a wall
Then made his way home for a lie in
A Labour councilor for Ealing
A Labour councillor for Ealing
Was arrested one day for stealing
A Labour councillor for Ealing
Was arrested one day for stealing
A magazine from top shelf, whiskey and fags
A Labour councillor for Ealing
Was arrested one day for stealing
A magazine from top shelf, whiskey and fags
Which he tried to hide down his bags
A Labour councillor for Ealing
Was arrested one day for stealing
A magazine from top shelf, whiskey and fags
Which he tried to hide down his bags
And staggered down the road reeling
When we finish a limerick, we start the next one. 😉
A pleasant young man from Dunbar
A pleasant young man from Dunbar
Would cruise in his expensive red car
A pleasant young man from Dunbar
Would cruise in his expensive red car
He'd eye up the girls
A pleasant young man from Dunbar
Would cruise in his expensive red car
He'd eye up the girls
And admire their curls (apologies granny mac!)
A pleasant young man from Dunbar
Would cruise in his expensive red car
He'd eye up the girls
And admire their curls
Then invite them for drinks at the bar
(No worries Ruthio)
Peter thought he'd like a cruise
Peter thought he'd like a cruise
But with so many places he couldn't choose
Peter thought he'd like a cruise
But with so many places he couldn't choose
Into a map he stuck a pin
Peter thought he'd like a cruise
But with so many places he couldn't choose
Into a map he stuck a pin
And where it landed made him grin
Peter thought he'd like a cruise
But with so many places he couldn't choose
Into a map he stuck a pin
And where it landed made him grin
Norwegian Fjords with amazing views !
October 27, 2023, 11:21:47 AM
A little old lady from York
A little old lady from York
Was given a huge leg of pork
A little old lady from York
Was given a huge leg of pork
Out of the shed she got a big saw
A little old lady from York
Was given a huge leg of pork
Out of the shed she got a big saw
As too big for the oven and can't eat it raw
A little old lady from York
Was given a huge leg of pork
Out of the shed she got a big saw
As too big for the oven and can't eat it raw
Then she stabbed it all over with a fork
XxxxxxxxxxX
Mrs Smith went to bingo one night
Mrs Smith went to bingo one night
On the way there she saw a strange sight
Mrs Smith went to bingo one night
On the way there she saw a strange sight
A red light in the sky
Mrs Smith went to bingo one night
On the way there she saw a strange sight
A red light in the sky
As a chopper flew by
Mrs Smith went to bingo one night
On the way there she saw a strange sight
A red light in the sky
As a chopper flew by
with 007 dangling .. what a fright !!
Bert tripped up the aisle on his way to be wed
Bert tripped up the aisle on his way to be wed
Standing at the altar this is what he said...
Bert tripped up the aisle on his way to be wed
Standing at the altar this is what he said...
where's the ring
Bert tripped up the aisle on his way to be wed
Standing at the alter this is what he said
Where's the ring
The best man replied 'I've lost the damn thing'
Bert tripped up the aisle on his way to be wed
Standing at the alter this is what he said
Where's the ring
The best man replied 'I've lost the damn thing'
And with THAT for Bert saw red.
new first line, please
Blimey Mike gis a chance ! just getting a wee drinkie :grin:
There once was a young man named Keir
There once was a young man named Keir
Who went to the end of the pier
There once was a young man named Keir
Who went to the end of the pier
He found a wonderful penny machine
That showed him what the butler had seen
There once was a young man named Keir
Who went to the end of the pier
He found a wonderful penny machine
That showed him what the butler had seen
And it made him come over all queer.
XxxxxxxxxxxxX
A woman called Ang was quite rough
A woman called Ang was quite rough
She was made of resilient stuff
A woman called Ang was quite rough
She was made of resilient stuff
So when anyone crossed her
A woman called Ang was quite rough
She was made of resilient stuff
So when anyone crossed her
She didn't even fluster
A woman called Ang was quite rough
She was made of resilient stuff
So when anyone crossed her
She didn't even fluster
Just called them scum, and went off in a huff.
XxxxxxxxxxxxxX
Betty started a jigsaw last night
Betty started a jigsaw last night
Trouble was at the time she was tight
Betty started a jigsaw last night
Trouble was at the time she was tight
So the picture is all skewy
Betty started a jigsaw last night
Trouble was at the time she was tight
So the picture is all skewy
On fact its broken in two :rolleyes:
Betty started a jigsaw last night
Trouble was at the time she was tight
So the picture is all askew
In fact its broken in two
So she chucked it away at first light.
************
A gin and tonic, large, said Sue
A gin and tonic, large, said Sue
And only Gordons gin will do
A gin and tonic, large, said Sue
And only Gordons gin will do
But did she remember to say Please?
A gin and tonic, large, said Sue
And only Gordons gin will do
But did she remember to say Please?
Only after 8 when she was on her knees
A gin and tonic, large, said Sue
And only Gordons gin will do
But did she remember to say Please?
Only after 8 when she was on her knees
And needed some help to reach the loo
Betty rode a bright red bike
Betty rode a bright red bike 🚴🏾
Riding beside her on a blue one was Mike
Betty rode a bright red bike 🚴🏾
Riding beside her on a blue one was Mike
They rode into town
Betty rode a bright red bike 🚴🏾
Riding beside her on a blue one was Mike
They rode into town
Almost knocked a few folk down
Betty rode a bright red bike 🚴🏾
Riding beside her on a blue one was Mike
They rode into town
Almost knocked a few folk down
Betty bent a wheel and had to hike
Mike carried on and picked up speed
Mike carried on and picked up speed
Narrowly missing a dog off the lead
Mike carried on and picked up speed
Narrowly missing a dog off the lead
He made one old dear swear
Mike carried on and picked up speed
Narrowly missing a dog off the lead
He made one old dear swear
When his handlebar caught in her hair
Mike carried on and picked up speed
Narrowly missing a dog off the lead
He made an old dear swear
When his handlebar caught in her hair
But the road hog paid no heed
October 30, 2023, 11:06:26 AM
Greasy Joe slicked back his hair
Scrumpy has commited the usual sin
Surely she hasn't been on the gin?
No new line has been left
It leaves us poets all bereft
Surely something about another spin?
Ah I see she has relented
Greasy Joe slicked back his hair
And parked his bum in the barber's chair
Greasy Joe slicked back his hair
And parked his bum in the barber's chair
Shirt back and sides he cried
Greasy Joe slicked back his hair
And parked his bum in the barber's chair
Short back and sides he cried
And a nice straight parting on the left hand side
Greasy Joe slicked back his hair
And parked his bum in the barber's chair
Short back and sides he cried
And a nice straight parting on the left hand side
But the barber sheared it al off and just didn't care
There was a school teacher from Lutom
There was a school teacher from Luton
Who had to avoid eating gluten
There was a school teacher from Luton
Who had to avoid eating gluten
Nor dairy... nor nuts
There was a school teacher from Luton
Who had to avoid eating gluten
Nor dairy... nor nuts 🥜 🥛
They were bad for his guts
There was a school teacher from Luton
Who had to avoid eating gluten
Nor dairy... nor nuts 🥜 🥛
They were bad for his guts
Or he had to get to the loo a on
there once was a pianist from Orkney
There once was a pianist from Orkney
Who said I'll only play if you force me
There once was a pianist from Orkney
Who said I'll only play if you force me
He banged out a tune
There once was a pianist from Orkney
Who said I'll only play if you force me
He banged out a tune
Pulling a face like a loon
There once was a pianist from Orkney
Who said I'll only play if you force me
He banged out a tune
Pulling a face like a loon
And shouted 'I'll be finished here shortly'. :smiley:
A forum member on the Mother Ship
A forum member on the Mother Ship
Seems to be developing one hell of a chip
A forum member on the Mother Ship
Seems to be developing one hell of a chip
They'll likely be banned
A forum member on the Mother Ship
Seems to be developing one hell of a chip
They'll likely be banned
Really?! Well I'll be damned!
A forum member on the Mother Ship
Seems to be developing one hell of a chip
They'll likely be banned
Really?! Well I'll be damned!
Chris has just called it a ' blip '
There was a young boy named Daniel
There was a young boy named Daniel
Whose bouncy pet dog was a spaniel
There was a young boy named Daniel
Whose bouncy pet dog was a spaniel
But it was missing a leg
There was a young boy named Daniel
Whose bouncy pet dog was a spaniel
But it was missing a leg
So fitted with a peg
There was a young boy named Daniel
Whose bouncy pet dog was a spaniel
But it was missing a leg
So fitted with a peg
And a shiny black patent sandal SORRY :grin: :grin:
As Boris stepped inside Number 10
As Boris stepped inside Number 10
He spent a fortune on decor to make it his den
As Boris stepped inside Number 10
He spent a fortune on decor to make it his den
But the colours were naff
As Boris stepped inside Number 10
He spent a fortune on decor to make it his den
But the colours were naff
Another Boris gaffe
As Boris stepped inside Number 10
He spent a fortune on decor to make it his den
But the colours were naff
Another Boris gaffe
Said his missus 'looks like a pig pen'
A foolish young fellow from Devizes
A foolish young fellow from Devizes
Had feet that were different sizes
A foolish young fellow from Devizes
Had feet that were different sizes
The left one was small
A foolish young fellow from Devizes
Had feet that were different sizes
The left one was small
But that wasn't all 🤯
A foolish young fellow from Devizes
Had feet that were different sizes
The left one was small
But that wasn't all 🤯
Best not mention the bit that won prizes
Doc Martin Arrived in Port Wen
Doc Martin Arrived in Port Wen
He opened his surgery and then
Doc Martin Arrived in Port Wen
He opened his surgery and then
He soon found a wife
Doc Martin Arrived in Port Wen
He opened his surgery and then
He soon found a wife
The light of his life
Doc Martin Arrived in Port Wen
He opened his surgery and then
He soon found a wife
The light of his life
Until they squabbled again and again
Bill Stickers got jailed
Bill Stickers got jailed
so his complexion paled
Bill Stickers got jailed
so his complexion paled
When he met his new cellmate
Bill Stickers got jailed
so his complexion paled
When he met his new cellmate
Who blew a kiss to his latest date
Bill Stickers got jailed
so his complexion paled
When he met his new cellmate
Who blew a kiss to his latest date
Who was later bailed
There once was a beagle called Stan
There once was a beagle called Stan
Who poked his nose into a big jar of jam
There once was a beagle called Stan
Who poked his nose into a big jar of jam
Not big enough - the jar got stuck
There once was a beagle called Stan
Who poked his nose into a big jar of jam
Not big enough - the jar got stuck
Til Stan bashed it on the back of a truck
There once was a beagle called Stan
Who poked his nose into a big jar of jam
Not big enough - the jar got stuck
Til Stan bashed it on the back of a truck
oh dear oh dear that didn't go according to plan
There once was a publican named Bill
There once was a publican named Bill
A man of extraordinary skill
There once was a publican named Bill
A man of extraordinary skill
He could balance a pint
There once was a publican named Bill
A man of extraordinary skill
He could balance a pint
On his head, what a sight
There once was a publican named Bill
A man of extraordinary skill
He could balance a pint
On his head, what a sight
Any nary a drop would he spill
Gary sells crips on the TV
Quote from: klondike on November 05, 2023, 10:58:14 AMThere once was a publican named Bill
A man of extraordinary skill
He could balance a pint
On his head, what a sight
Any nary a drop would he spill
Gary sells crips on the TV
That was a cracker folks :grin:
November 05, 2023, 11:12:38 AMGary sells crisps on the TV
For this he receives a big fee
Gary sells crisps on the TV
For this he receives a big fee
An annoying arse who is oh so woke
Gary sells crisps on the TV
For this he receives a big fee
An annoying arse who is oh so woke
He really is a bliddy joke
Gary sells crisps on the TV
For this he receives a big fee
An annoying arse who is oh so woke
He really is a bliddy joke
Sadly typical of the BBC
Time for bed said Zebedee
Time for bed said Zebedee
He asked Florence to 'come with me'
Time for bed said Zebedee
He asked Florence to 'come with me'
She told him to take a hike
In fact she shouted 'on your bike',
I'd rather have a cup of tea!
(Couldn't resist)
Nellie watched TV all day
Nellie watched TV all day
And in her comfy bed she lay
Nellie watched TV all day
And in her comfy bed she lay
Counting the hours
Nellie watched TV all day
And in her comfy bed she lay
Counting the hours
Til it was time for a shower
Nellie watched TV all day
And in her comfy bed she lay
Counting the hours
Til it was time for a shower
Then off to the firework display
Sally ran the charity shop
Sally ran the charity shop
Every item a pound £ a pop
Sally ran the charity shop
Every item a pound £ a pop
From shiny toy cars
To secondhand bras
Sally ran the charity shop
Every item a pound £ a pop
From shiny toy cars
To secondhand bras
And a book about Jurgen Klopp
A middle aged spinster called Jane
A middle aged spinster called Jane
Was regarded by all as a pain
A middle aged spinster called Jane
Was regarded by all as a pain
Then by chance one dark night
A middle aged spinster called Jane
Was regarded by all as a pain
Then by chance one dark night
Up an alley she had a fright
A middle aged spinster called Jane
Was regarded by all as a pain
Then by chance one dark night
Up an alley she had a fright
And never went there again
A hopeless duffer from Durham
A hopeless duffer from Durham
Didn't understand which way to wear 'em
A hopeless duffer from Durham
Didn't understand which way to wear 'em
So he did up his trews
A hopeless duffer from Durham
Didn't understand which way to wear 'em
So he did up his trews
Then put on his shoes
A hopeless duffer from Durham
Didn't understand which way to wear 'em
So he did up his trews
Then put on his shoes
Being careful not to scuff 'em
(Apologies, I couldn't get anything better to rhyme)
Bernard was watching Countdown one day
Bernard was watching Countdown one day
But got every one wrong to his dismay
Bernard was watching Countdown one day
But got every one wrong to his dismay
The letters whizzed around in his head
Bernard was watching Countdown one day
But got every one wrong to his dismay
The letters whizzed around in his head
So he took himself off to bed
Bernard was watching Countdown one day
But got every one wrong to his dismay
The letters whizzed around in his head
So he took himself off to bed
But couldn't sleep so just lay
I saw that Farage bloke on TV
I saw that Farage bloke on TV
Will he do I'm a Celeb !!, just wait and see
Quote from: Scrumpy on November 09, 2023, 03:31:51 PMI saw that Farage bloke on TV
Will he do I'm a Celeb !!, just wait and see
Spiders and sheep nuts are not for our Nige
I saw the Farage bloke on TV
Will he do I'm a Celeb!! ,just wait and see
Spiders and sheep nuts are not for our Nige
A Kangaroo's penis with some balls on the side
I saw the Farage bloke on TV
Will he do I'm a Celeb!! ,just wait and see
Spiders and sheep nuts are not for our Nige
A Kangaroo's penis with some balls on the side
All I can say is rather him than me
Is it true that he'd meet Boris there?
Is it true that he'd meet Boris there?
If so, what an unusual pair
Quote from: Michael Rolls on November 09, 2023, 07:16:10 PMIs it true that he'd meet Boris there?
If so, what an unusual pair
One is slim and one is plump
Is it true that he'd meet Boris there?
If so, what an unusual pair
One is slim and one is plump
Which one will be first for the high jump?
Is it true he'd meet Boris there?
If so, what an unusual pair
One is slim and one is plump
Which one will be first for the high jump ?
Which one will lie and not play fair !
November 09, 2023, 08:08:01 PM
Charlie's trousers were much too tight
Charlie's trousers were much too tight
He did a PJ Proby the other night.
Charlie's trousers were much too tight
He did a PJ Proby the other night.
The trouble was he was shopping in Lidl
Charlie's trousers were much too tight
To get them on was quite a fight
Mike, your page hadn't refreshed, Alex & klondike had already added lines. 😉
Charlie's trousers were much too tight
He did a PJ Proby the other night.
The trouble was he was shopping in Lidl
Looking for some wine, and maybe a toy fiddle
whoops - sorry
Charlie's trousers were much too tight
He did a PJ Proby the other night.
The trouble was he was shopping in Lidl
Looking for some wine, and maybe a toy fiddle
He bent, they split Mabel fainted at the sight.
eh up Scrumps !
Bob went for a massage at Madame Tracey
Bob went for a massage at Madame Tracey
After spotting her in the Co-Op wearing something racy
Bob went for a massage at Madame Tracey
After spotting her in the Co-Op wearing something racy
She greased up her hands with lard from the shop
Bob went for a massage at Madame Tracey
After spotting her in the Co-Op wearing something racy
She greased up her hands with lard from the shop
And kept on rubbing after he begged her to stop
Bob went for a massage at Madame Tracey
After spotting her in the Co-Op wearing something racy
She greased up her hands with lard from the shop
And kept on rubbing after he begged her to stop
Even when she changed into something lacy
A feeble old fellow from York
A feeble old fellow from York
Was out taking a bit of a walk
A feeble old fellow from York
Was out taking a bit of a walk
As he strolled by the Ouse
A feeble old fellow from York
Was out taking a bit of a walk
As he strolled by the Ouse
He thought up a great ruse 💡
A feeble old fellow from York
Was out taking a bit of a walk
As he strolled by the Ouse
He thought up a great ruse 💡
Which he wrote on the pavement with chalk.
XxxxxxxxxxX
A silly young lad name of Ken
A silly young lad name of Ken
Was seen poking his cat with a pen! 🖊
A silly young lad name of Ken
Was seen poking his cat with a pen! 🖊
The moggie got cross
A silly young lad name of Ken
Was seen poking his cat with a pen! 🖊
The moggie got cross
And showed Ken who's boss
A silly young lad name of Ken
Was seen poking his cat with a pen! 🖊
The moggie got cross
And showed Ken who's boss
By chasing him into his den
A newly created Lord Purfleet
A newly created Lord Purfleet
Went on Twitter to make a bold tweet
A newly created Lord Purfleet
Went on Twitter to make a bold tweet
His following dwindled
A newly created Lord Purfleet
Went on Twitter to make a bold tweet
His following dwindled
When he admitted he mingled
A newly created Lord Purfleet
Went on Twitter to make a bold tweet
His following dwindled
When he admitted he mingled
With some of the sailors from the fleet.
*************
Pete really loved eating KFC
Pete really loved eating KFC
He ordered it every Saturday for his tea
Pete really loved eating KFC
He ordered it every Saturday for his tea
Peggy his wife preferred fish 'n chips
(https://www.thedailymeal.com/img/gallery/you-wont-believe-these-things-kfc-has-fried-slideshow/3-Chicken_head-APPhoto.jpg)
Pete really loved eating KFC
He ordered it every Saturday for his tea
Peggy his wife preferred fish 'n chips
Never again would KFC pass her lips
Pete really loved eating KFC
(https://www.thedailymeal.com/img/gallery/you-wont-believe-these-things-kfc-has-fried-slideshow/3-Chicken_head-APPhoto.jpg)Pete really loved eating KFC
He ordered it every Saturday for his tea
Peggy his wife preferred fish 'n chips
Never again would KFC pass her lips
But Nando's was good, on that they agreed.
(That pic would put anyone off, k!)
***************
Ronnie went out on his bike in the rain
Ronnie went out on his bike in the rain
Although he found wet weather a pain
Ronnie went out on his bike in the rain
Although he found wet weather a pain
The wheels slipped and slid
Ronnie went out on his bike in the rain
Although he found wet weather a pain
The wheels slipped and slid
He crashed after the skid
Ronnie went out on his bike in the rain
Although he found wet weather a pain
The wheels slipped and slid
He crashed after the skid
Ended up on his bum in the bus lane !
Alex.... Great last line..
Next?
Alex has gone to her bed! 🛌 😴
Alex has gone to her bed!
The gin went right to her head
Alex has gone to her bed!
The gin went right to her head
She fell over the dog
Alex has gone to her bed!
The gin went right to her head
She fell over the dog
Her brain in a fog
Alex has gone to her bed!
The gin went right to her head
She fell over the dog
Her brain in a fog
Next time she'll drink brandy instead
Rishi has now lost the plot
Rishi has now lost the plot
His reshuffle's a lot of rot
Rishi has now lost the plot
His reshuffle's a lot of rot
Bloody Cameron? He's having a laugh
This lot just make me want to barf
Rishi has now lost the plot
His reshuffle's a lot of rot
Bloody Cameron? He's having a laugh
This lot just make me want to barf
For public opionion, he cares not a jot.
***********
The country's in a bloody mess
The country's in a bloody mess
Who's next for the chop to please the press?
The country's in a bloody mess
Who's next for the chop to please the press?
Here's hoping it's Jeremy Hunt !
The country's in a bloody mess
Who's next for the chop to please the press?
Here's hoping it's Jeremy Hunt !
On Micheal Gove, I'll take a punt
The country's in a bloody mess
Who's next for the chop to please the press?
Here's hoping it's Jeremy Hunt !
On Micheal Gove, I'll take a punt
Well sidestepped Scrumpy I must confess
It really is no laughing matter
It really is no laughing matter
That I'm quite as mad as a hatter!
It really is no laughing matter
That I'm quite as mad as a hatter!
But you're not paid to run our land
It really is no laughing matter
That I'm quite as mad as a hatter!
But you're not paid to run our land
Unlike that lot thinking they're so grand
It really is no laughing matter
That I'm quite as mad as a hatter!
But you're not paid to run our land
Unlike that lot thinking they're so grand
When all they do is natter
An enterprising matelot from Dunedin
An enterprising matelot from Dunedin
Was partial to a wee drop of pink gin
An enterprising matelot from Dunedin
Was partial to a wee drop of pink gin
So he poured out a double
An enterprising matelot from Dunedin
Was partial to a wee drop of pink gin
So he poured out a double
Which just lead to trouble
An enterprising matelot from Dunedin
Was partial to a wee drop of gin
So he poured out a double
Which just led to trouble
When asked 'hello sailor where've you been'
Betty was a wallflower at the local dance
Betty was a wallflower at the local dance
None of the lads even gave her a glance
Betty was a wallflower at the local dance
None of the lads even gave her a glance
But after a stiff drink 🍸
Betty was a wallflower at the local dance
None of the lads even gave her a glance
But after a stiff drink 🍸
One gave her a wink
Betty was a wallflower at the local dance
None of the lads even gave her a glance
But after a stiff drink 🍸
One gave her a wink
Which began a great romance 😍 ❤
Now Ruthio's left the thread
Now Ruthio's left the thread
I too hate starting - that's my dread
Now Ruthio's left the thread
I too hate starting - that's my dread
It's ending for me that's tough
Now Ruthio's left the thread
I too hate starting - that's my dread
It's ending for me that's tough
I'm so sorry mine wasn't enough! 😪
Now Ruthio's left the thread
I too hate starting - that's my dread
It's ending for me that's tough
I'm so sorry mine wasn't enough! 😪
Last line from me then off to bed.
There once was a slick man from Witney
Now Ruthio's left the thread
I too hate starting - that's my dread
It's ending for me that's tough
I'm so sorry mine wasn't enough! 😪
Last line from me then off to bed.
There once was a slick man from Witney
Who boasted he had a chateau in Brittany
There once was a slick man from Witney
Who boasted he had a chateau in Brittany
But as his name was Brian
There once was a slick man from Witney
Who boasted he had a chateau in Brittany
But as his name was Brian
He just might have been lying
There once was a slick man from Witney
Who boasted he had a chateau in Brittany
But as his name was Brian
He just might have been lying
Even though he repeated the litany
A penniless young man from Penzance
A penniless young man from Penzance
Hitched a lift over the water to France
A penniless young man from Penzance
Hitched a lift over the water to France
He launched his dinghy in the rain today
And waved to all those sailing the other way
A penniless young man from Penzance
Hitched a lift over the water to France
He launched his dinghy in the rain today
And waved to those sailing the other way
But the dinghy boys didn't give him a glance.
There was a young man from Beirut
There was a young man from Beirut
Who said lemons were his favourite fruit
There was a young man from Beirut
Who said lemons were his favourite fruit
He picked a few ripe ones
There was a young man from Beirut
Who said lemons were his favourite fruit
He picked a few ripe ones
Which gave him the runs
There was a young man from Beirut
Who said lemons were his favourite fruit
He picked a few ripe ones
Which gave him the runs
So he got some Imodium from Boots
Mr Johnson was quick off the mark
Mr Johnson was quick off the mark
At the 4am running club in his local park
Mr Johnson was quick off the mark
At the 4am running club in his park
With Dylan and Brian hot on his heels
Mr Johnson was quick off the mark
At the 4am running club in his park
With Dylan and Brian hot on his heels
The sight of his knees attracted some squeals
Mr Johnson was quick off the mark
At the 4am running club in his park
With Dylan and Brian hot on his heels
The sight of his knees attracted some squeals
He was relieved it was still pretty dark.
**********
Nadine is advertising her book for sale
Nadine is offering her book for sale
Just like SPARE It's bound to fail
Nadine is offering her book for sale
Just like SPARE It's bound to fail
Poundland's buyer is ready to bid
Twopence a copy then sold for a quid
Nadine is offering her book for sale
Just like SPARE It's bound to fail
Poundland's buyer is ready to bid
Twopence a copy then sold for a quid
Extra charge for copies in Braille.
Jennifer got a new job at a bank
Jennifer got a new job at a bank
Planning an inside job with lover Hank
Jennifer got a new job at a bank
Planning an inside job with lover Hank
So there he was gun pointed at the grille 🔫 🔫
Jennifer got a new job at a bank
Planning an inside job with lover Hank
So there he was gun pointed at the grille 🔫 🔫
Oi there you - here's a bag to fill
Jennifer got a new job at a bank
Planning an inside job with lover Hank
So there he was gun pointed at the grille 🔫 🔫
Oi there you - here's a bag to fill
And off he went to meet his mate Frank
new first line?
I've sorted it for you Ruthie...
Christmas balls are in the shops
Christmas balls are in the shops
For the tree they are the tops
Christmas balls are in the shops
For the tree they are the tops
They came on display end of October
Christmas balls are in the shops
For the tree they are the tops
They came on display end of October
Easter eggs when Christmas is over
Christmas balls are in the shops
For the tree they are the tops
They came on display end of October
Easter eggs when Christmas is over
Then parasols, sun cream, flip flops. 🌞
XxxxxxxxxxX
Jessie was a line dance queen
Jesse was a line dance queen
Cowboy hat and boots... very keen
Jessie was a line dance queen
In her finery she was seen
Sorry Michael.. too slow... x
story of my life!
Jesse was a line dance queen
Cowboy hat and boots... very keen
With speedy feet she flew
Jesse was a line dance queen
Cowboy hat and boots... very keen
With speedy feet she flew
Every step and move she knew
Jesse was a line dance queen
Cowboy hat and boots... very keen
With speedy feet she flew
Every step and move she knew
Impressing all with her new routine.
There was an old sheepdog called Sam
There was an old sheepdog called Sam
Whose favourite treat was tinned Spam
There was an old sheepdog called Sam
Whose favourite treat was tinned Spam
If Spam wasn't offered
There was an old sheepdog called Sam
Whose favourite treat was tinned Spam
If Spam wasn't offered
Sam was well bovvered
There was an old sheepdog called Sam
Whose favourite treat was tinned Spam
If Spam wasn't offered
Sam was well bovvered
But well pleased with a plate of boiled ham.
Brian's Christmas tree looked a bit forlorn
Brian's Christmas tree looked a bit forlorn
When he looked his balls had gone
Brian's Christmas tree looked a bit forlorn
When he looked his balls had gawn
The fairy had lost her frock
Brian's Christmas tree looked a bit forlorn
When he looked his balls had gawn
The fairy had lost her frock
Peter and Andy had run amok
Brian's Christmas tree looked a bit forlorn
When he looked his balls had gawn
The fairy had lost her frock
Peter and Andy had run amok
And the carpet was covered with popcorn.
Someone else like to start one ?
Someone else like to start one ?
Not I - that's a task I have to shun
Someone else like to start one ?
Not I - that's a task I have to shun
because it's so hard
Someone else like to start one ?
Not I - that's a task I have to shun
because it's so hard
For a third rate bard
Someone else like to start one ?
Not I - that's a task I have to shun
because it's so hard
For a third rate bard
To come up with even a pun
A foolish old fellow from Leicester
A foolish old fellow from Leicester
Always wore a yellow sou'wester
A foolish old fellow from Leicester
Always wore a yellow sou'wester
He'd dance in the rain
A foolish old fellow from Leicester
Always wore a yellow sou'wester
He'd dance in the rain
And became quite a pain
A foolish old fellow from Leicester
Always wore a yellow sou'wester
He'd dance in the rain
And became quite a pain
So was known as the city's own jester
November 19, 2023, 11:57:23 AM
A bright young spark from Wrexham
A bright young spark from Wrexham
Supercharges his cars and then wrecks 'em
A bright young spark from Wrexham
Supercharges his cars and then wrecks 'em
One wrapped round a post another a tree
A bright young spark from Wrexham
Supercharges his cars and then wrecks 'em
One wrapped round a post another a tree
He'd never get a start in a Grand Prix
A bright young spark from Wrexham
Supercharges his cars and then wrecks 'em
One wrapped round a post another a tree
He'd never get a start in a Grand Prix
Plus all those fines - no wonder he's glum
He overtook Brian one fateful day
He overtook Brian one fateful day
I have a private pension, you could hear Brian say
He overtook Brian one fateful day
I have a private pension, you could hear Brian say
And my daughters are nurses healing the sick
He overtook Brian one fateful day
I have a private pension, you could hear Brian say
And my daughters are nurses healing the sick
I chat with my doggies then throw them a stick
He overtook Brian one fateful day
I have a private pension, you could hear Brian say
And my daughters are nurses healing the sick
I chat with my doggies and throw them a stick
I have phoned the police they are on their way
November 19, 2023, 03:56:15 PM
Beryl was a fairy in the Christmas show
He overtook Brian one fateful day
I have a private pension, you could hear Brian say
And my daughters are nurses healing the sick
I chat with my doggies then throw them a stick
Then the 4AM running club's back, hip hooray !
There was once a bus driver called Brenda
Sorry Alex, Scrumpy got there first!
Beryl was a fairy in the Christmas show
16 stone and her face all aglow
Beryl was a fairy in the Christmas show
16 stone and her face all aglow
Her tutu was a little tight
Sorry folks dunno how that happened as I posted an hour after Scrumps :rolleyes:
Beryl was a fairy in the Christmas show
16 stone and her face all aglow
Her tutu was a little tight
Her plastic wings not made for flight
Caught out by the New button and not spotting there was another page Alex. Everybody has done it.
Beryl was a fairy in the Christmas show
16 stone and her face all aglow
Her tutu was a little tight
Her plastic wings not made for flight
To get airborn she'd need a tow.
She tried a run and then a jump
She tried a run and then a jump
saoring over the village pump
She tried a run and then a jump
soaring over the village pump
She landed in a messy heap
She tried a run and then a jump
soaring over the village pump
She landed in a messy heap
Hard enough to make her weep
She tried a run and then a jump
soaring over the village pump
She landed in a messy heap
Hard enough to make her weep
Sat in a puddle she felt a real chump
Stanley was sat in the barbers shop
Stanley was sat in the barbers shop
'Just a weeny bit off the top'
Stanley was sat in the barbers shop
'Just a weeny bit off the top'
But the barber had other ideas
Stanley was sat in the barbers shop
'Just a weeny bit off the top'
But the barber had other ideas
The little he left just lead to tears
Stanley was sat in the barbers shop
'Just a weeny bit off the top'
But the barber had other ideas
The little he left just lead to tears
His street credit had gone to pot
November 20, 2023, 12:43:48 PM
Betty had an admirer who sent a box of chocs
Betty had an admirer who sent a box of chocs
But not being hungry she stuck it behind the clocks
Betty had an admirer who sent a box of chocs
But not being hungry she stuck it behind the clocks
There they melted - oh deary dear.
Betty had an admirer who sent a box of chocs
But not being hungry she stuck it behind the clocks
There they melted - oh deary dear.
Poor Betty, she shed a tear
Betty had an admirer who sent a box of chocs
But not being hungry she stuck it behind the clocks
There they melted - oh deary dear.
Poor Betty, she shed a tear
All she had now was a sticky box
For some odd reason I just thought of Phil
For some odd reason I just thought of Phil
who is always a friend if someone is ill
For some odd reason I just thought of Phil
Who is always a friend if someone is ill
Then blow me down he's just reappeared
That's spooky eh - just really weird
For some odd reason I just thought of Phil
Who is always a friend if someone is ill
Then blow me down he's just reappeared
That's spooky eh - just really weird
I think he has s a friend called Bill
A foolish old duffer called Clive
A foolish old duffer called Clive
Got up every morning at five
A foolish old duffer called Clive
Got up every morning at five
He walked for his paper
A foolish old duffer called Clive
Got up every morning at five
He walked for his paper
A five minute caper
A foolish old duffer called Clive
Got up every morning at five
He walked for his paper
A five minute caper
Reading the obits to see if he'd died
As Clive ambled along an old fellow ran past
As Clive ambled along an old fellow ran past
With two dogs at his heels he moved very fast
As Clive ambled along an old fellow ran past
With two dogs at his heels he moved very fast
I swear I heard those dogs both talking
As Clive ambled along an old fellow ran past
With two dogs at his heels he moved very fast
I swear I heard those dogs both talking
Worried the fella following was stalking
As Clive ambled along an old fellow ran past
With two dogs at his heels he moved very fast
I swear I heard those dogs both talking
Worried the fella following was stalking
But he wasn't and as usual Clive came last
A little Frenchman called Pierre
A little Frenchman called Pierre
Tripped and fell on his derriere
A little Frenchman called Pierre
Tripped and fell on his derrière
His onions went flying
A little Frenchman called Pierre
Tripped and fell on his derrière
His onions went flying
And scattered where he was lying
A little Frenchman called Pierre
Tripped and fell on his derrière
His onions went flying
And scattered where he was lying
Which caused the poor fellow to swear
Bill's little dinghy was swept out to sea
Bill's little dinghy was swept out to sea
when he really wanted to be home for tea
Bill's little dinghy was swept out to sea
when he really wanted to be home for tea
Unfortunately he landed in France
Bill's little dinghy was swept out to sea
when he really wanted to be home for tea
Unfortunately he landed in France
'Asylum?' he asked - no chance
Bill's little dinghy was swept out to sea
when he really wanted to be home for tea
Unfortunately he landed in France
'Asylum?' he asked- no chance
Back home he went where everything's free
Sally dyed her hair a shocking pink
Sally dyed her hair a shocking pink
Possibly this was caused by drink
Sally dyed her hair a shocking pink
Possibly this was caused by drink
with too much gin in the glass
Sally dyed her hair a shocking pink
Possibly this was caused by drink
with too much gin in the glass
She made herself look quite an ass
Sally dyed her hair a shocking pink
Possibly this was caused by drink
with too much gin in the glass
She made herself look quite an ass
Lucky not to end up in clink
Her boyfriend Harry was a sober lad
Her boyfriend Harry was a sober lad
But his eating habits were really bad
Her boyfriend Harry was a sober lad
But his eating habits were really bad
He'd slobber over food
Her boyfriend Harry was a sober lad
But his eating habits were really bad
He'd slobber over food
His manners were really crude
Her boyfriend Harry was a sober lad
But his eating habits were really bad
He'd slobber over food
His manners were really crude
In fact, he was quite a cad
There once was a man from Pitlochry
There once was a man from Pitlochry
Who attempted to train his pet flea
There once was a man from Pitlochry
Who attempted to train his pet flea
But it bit him all over
There once was a man from Pitlochry
Who attempted to train his pet flea
But it bit him all over
And his poor dog named Rover
There once was a man from Pitlochry
Who attempted to train his pet flea
But it bit him all over
And his poor dog named Rover
I cant think of a rhyming word for the life of me 🙄
XxxxxxxxxxX
Geordie liked a game of pool
Geordie liked a game of pool
He beat the others as a rule
Geordie liked a game of pool
He beat the others as a rule
Sinking balls just like a pro
Geordie liked a game of pool
He beat the others as a rule
Sinking balls just like a pro
With trick shots he put on a show
Quote from: GrannyMac on November 23, 2023, 05:57:35 PMThere once was a man from Pitlochry
Who attempted to train his pet flea
But it bit him all over
And his poor dog named Rover
I cant think of a rhyming word for the life of me 🙄
XxxxxxxxxxX
Geordie liked a game of pool
rockery, mockery
November 24, 2023, 04:03:57 AMGeordie liked a game of pool
He beat the others as a rule
Sinking balls just like a pro
With trick shots he put on a show
And folk thought him quite cool
A old married couple from Cardiff
Brain wasn't working Mike!
An old married couple from Cardiff
Were happiest sharing a large spliff
An old married couple from Cardiff
Were happiest sharing a spliff
They got as high as a kite
An old married couple from Cardiff
Were happiest sharing a spliff
They got as high as a kite
And shouted 'all right!'
An old married couple from Cardiff
Were happiest sharing a spiff
They got as high as a kite
And shouted 'all right'
And in the daytime they just got pissed
The elastic went 'ping' in Rosie's drawers
The elastic went 'ping' in Rosie's drawers
Bought 20 years ago from British Home Stores
Quote from: klondike on November 24, 2023, 02:08:59 PMThe elastic went 'ping' in Rosie's drawers
Bought 20 years ago from British Home Stores
:grin: :grin: had to laugh outloud at that line !
The elastic went 'ping' in Rosie's drawers
Bought 20 years ago from British Home Stores
They'd washed and washed and still looked good
The elastic went 'ping' in Rosie's drawers
Bought 20 years ago in British Home Stores
They'd washed and washed and still looked good
Should she pick them up !.. She knew she should
The elastic went 'ping' in Rosie's drawers
Bought 20 years ago in British Home Stores
They'd washed and washed and still looked good
Should she pick them up !.. She knew she should
Just use her card and buy some more.
(Drawers and stores just don't rhyme in a Scottish accent! Raven would back me up 😂). The rhyming with the next one will be interesting....🤔
Maisie liked afternoon tea with a scone
Maisie liked afternoon tea with a scone
The way she gobbled it was soon gone.
(I think the easier option both times plus I've never known a Scots lady well enough to be discussing her underwear of course :grin: )
Quote from: klondike on November 24, 2023, 07:22:45 PMMaisie liked afternoon tea with a scone
The way she gobbled it was soon gone.
(I think the easier option both times plus I've never known a Scots lady well enough to be discussing her underwear of course :grin: ). 😂😂
Maisie liked afternoon tea with a scone
The way she gobbled it was soon gone (nice one klondike)
Piling on the jam and cream
Maisie liked afternoon tea with a scone
The way she gobbled it was soon gone (nice one klondike)
Piling on the jam and cream
And said 'It's what it may seem'
Maisie liked afternoon tea with a scone
The way she gobbled it was soon gone (nice one klondike)
Piling on the jam and cream
And said 'It's what it may seem'
But I wont be doing the marathon
There once was a baker called Pat
There once was a Baker called Pat
Whose cakes didn't rise, just stayed flat
There once was a Baker called Pat
Whose cakes didn't rise, just stayed flat
As he said in despair
There once was a Baker called Pat
Whose cakes didn't rise, just stayed flat
As he said in despair
It just isn't fair
There once was a Baker called Pat
Whose cakes didn't rise, just stayed flat
As he said in despair
It just isn't fair
I'll bake pies instead and that's that
Barry came last in the three legged race
Barry came last in the three legged race
As hard as he tried, he couldn't keep up the pace
Barry came last in the three legged race
As hard as he tried he couldn't keep up the pace
His partner was Lil' who was four foot three
Barry came last in the three legged race
As hard as he tried he couldn't keep up the pace
His partner was Lil' who was four foot three
Unfortunately for Barry she was an amputee 🤐
Barry came last in the three legged race
As hard as he tried he couldn't keep up the pace
His partner was Lil' who was four foot three
Unfortunately for Barry she was an amputee
So he tripped and fell flat on his face :grin: :grin: :grin:
AS I was strolling in the park
As I was strolling in the park
I had an idea for an amusing lark
As I was strolling in the park
I had an idea for an amusing lark
I'd skinny dip with the ducks and drakes
As I was strolling in the park
I had an idea for an amusing lark
I'd skinny dip with the ducks and drakes
And try to avoid the water snakes
As I was strolling in the park
I had an idea for an amusing lark
I'd skinny dip with the ducks and drakes
And try to avoid the water snakes
But, with my body, I'll wait till dark
November 26, 2023, 04:35:22 PM
Maisie found a lover on the Internet
Maisie found a lover on the Internet
He was a reporter on the local Gazette
Maisie found a lover on the Internet
He was a reporter on the local Gazette
He wined her and dined her
Maisie found a lover on the Internet
He was a reporter on the local Gazette
He wined her and dined her
And then he confined her
Maisie found a lover on the internet
He was a reporter on the local Gazette
He wined her and dined her
And then he confined her
He turned out to be Nigerian and got her into debt
Wally 'played away from home' with 'er at 23
Wally 'played away from home' with 'er at 23
He got excited when she put him across her knee
Wally 'played away from home' with 'er at 23
He got excited when she put him across her knee
He snook in the back door so's not to be seen
Wally 'played away from home' with 'er at 23
He got excited when she put him across her knee
He snook in the back door so's not to be seen
If his wife found out she'd likely turn mean
Wally 'played away from home' with 'er at 23
He got excited when she put him across her knee
He snook in the back door so's not to be seen
If his wife found out she'd likely turn mean
But Wally was prepared with his not guilty plea
The vicar had just finished morning service
The vicar had just finished morning service
And was having a sneaky gin with Molly Purvis
The vicar had just finished morning service
And was having a sneaky gin with Molly Purvis
Ample curves and long blonde hair
The vicar had just finished morning service
And was having a sneaky gin with Molly Purvis
Ample curves and long blonde hair
He was blessed by God so he had no care
The vicar had just finished morning service
And was having a sneaky gin with Molly Purvis
Ample curves and long blonde hair
He was blessed by God so he had no care
For Temptation he knew he'd rely on Jesus. :rolleyes:
Molly Purvis was a WI member
Molly Purvis was a WI member
She pulled a cracker with the vicar every December
Molly Purvis was a WI member
She pulled a cracker with the vicar every December
Handle that gently Molly dear
Molly Purvis was a WI member
She pulled a cracker with the vicar every December
Handle that gently Molly dear
Or the penny whistle you will not hear
Molly Purvis was a WI member
She pulled a cracker with the vicar every December
Handle that gently Molly dear
Or the penny whistle you will not hear
But Molly had dementia, and could not remember.
XxxxxxxxxxxX
Helen decided to buy a new car
Helen decided to buy a new car
Her old banger didn't go very far
Helen decided to buy a new car
Her old banger didn't go very far
She wanted a Porsche in brilliant red
Helen decided to buy a new car
Her old banger didn't go very far
She wanted a Porsche in brilliant red
But had to settle for a Fiat instead
Helen decided to buy a new car
Her old banger didn't go very far
She wanted a Porsche in brilliant red
But had to settle for a Fiat instead
Then met a Sugar Daddy.. Hoorah !!
He bought her a Porsche in brilliant red
He bought her a Porsche in brilliant red
So much cheaper than getting wed
He bought her a Porsche in brilliant red
So much cheaper than getting wed
She told him she loved him but that was lie
He bought her a Porsche in brilliant red
So much cheaper than getting wed
She told him she loved him but that was lie
Though she certainly loved the things he could buy
He bought her a Porsche in brilliant red
So much cheaper than getting wed
She told him she loved him but that was a lie
Though she certainly loved the things he could buy
She wore him out when in bed..at 103 the old man was dead
November 29, 2023, 03:49:56 PM
Alfie was a dame in the Christmas show
Alfie was a dame in the Christmas show
Well padded chest, hair up in a bow
Alfie was a dame in the Christmas show
Well padded chest, hair up in a bow
Red lipstick , pink rouge, done up to the nines
Alfie was a dame in the Christmas show
Well padded chest, hair up in a bow
Red lipstick , pink rouge, done up to the nines
But Alfie had a problem remembering his lines
Alfie was a dame in the Christmas show
Well padded chest, hair up in a bow
Red lipstick , pink rouge, done up to the nines
But Alfie had a problem remembering his lines
So he had to impovise just like an old pro
Whatever happened to salesmen at the door?
Whatever happened to salesmen at the door
The housewives friend with bargains galore
Whatever happened to salesmen at the door
The housewives friend with bargains galore
A mop for the floor and a brush for the loo
Whatever happened to salesmen at the door
The housewives friend with bargains galore
A mop for the floor and a brush for the loo
A pack of yellow dusters, scissors and some glue
Whatever happened to the salesman at the door
The housewives friend with bargains galore
A mop for the floor and a brush for the loo
A pack of yellow dusters, scissors and some glue
But now we have Amazon so they are needed no more
November 30, 2023, 05:11:19 PM
Freddie's teeth fell out on the Big Dipper ride
Freddie's teeth fell out on the Big Dipper ride
Oh no! Now where will he hide!
Freddie's teeth fell out on the Big Dipper ride
Oh no! Now where will he hide!
He spotted them on top of the candy floss machine
Freddie's teeth fell out on the Big Dipper ride
Oh no! Now where will he hide!
He spotted them on top of the candy floss machine
In a strange grimace, they were a fetching shade of green
Freddie's teeth fell out on the Big Dipper ride
Oh no! Now where will he hide!
He spotted them on top of the candy floss machine
In a strange grimace, they were a fetching shade of green
Little Bobbie's mummy fainted. And little Bobby cried
'I know nuffink' Scrumpy cried
'I know nuffink' Scrumpy cried
Apart from that this thread had died
'I know nuffink' Scrumpy cried
Apart from that this thread had died
She'd popped to the Co-op, no thought of a rhyme
No first line was written, she didn't have time
'I know nuffink' Scrumpy cried
Apart from that this thread had died
She'd popped to the Co-op, no thought of a rhyme
No first line was written, she didn't have time
Perhaps she was asking Tracey for some sort of guide?
Oh rats now I will have to think hard [2110]
I know nuffink' Scrumpy cried
Apart from that this thread has died
She'd popped to the Co-op, no thought of a rhyme
No first line was written, she didn't have time
I was at the Co-op.. To get some pies
The window cleaner got a shock
The window cleaner got a shock
Scrumpy had just taken off her frock
Bright red knickers with a black bra
The window cleaner got a shock
Scrumpy had just taken off her frock
Bright red knickers with a black bra
Dancing to the radio Ooh la la!
The window cleaner got a shock
Scrumpy had just taken off her frock
Bright red knickers with a black bra
Dancing to the radio Ooh la la!
She was always fond of a bit of hard rock !
A painter who lived in North Wales
A painter who lived in North Wales
Was partial to loving just males
A painter who lived in North Wales
Was partial to loving just males
His boyfriend called Gwilym
A painter who lived in North Wales
Was partial to loving just males
His boyfriend called Gwilym
was ever quite willin'
A painter who lived in North Wales
Was partial to loving just males
His boyfriend called Gwilym
was ever quite willin'
To do the dance of the seven veils
Essex girls can be so funny
Essex girls can be so funny
They have big lips and are called 'Hunny'
Essex girls can be so funny
They have big lips and are called 'Hunny'
Their boyfriends are all big and tough
Essex girls can be so funny
They have big lips and are called 'Hunny'
Their boyfriends all are big and tough
They deal in Motors, Jewels and Dodgy stuff
Essex girls can be so funny
They have big lips and are called 'Hunny'
Their boyfriends all are big and tough
They deal in Motors, Jewels and Dodgy stuff
They shout 'alright' and brag about money. 💴
************
Dougie liked wearing the kilt every day
Dougie liked wearing the kilt every day
Except when the wind blew a particular way
Dougie liked wearing the kilt every day
Except when the wind blew a particular way
He crossed his legs, his sporran held tight
Dougie liked wearing the kilt every day
Except when the wind blew a particular way
He crossed his legs, his sporran held tight
Holding on to his jewels with all his might
Dougie liked wearing the kilt every day
Except when the wind blew a particular way
He crossed his legs, his sporran held tight
Holding on to his jewels with all his might
All was well til his kilt started to fray.
Taffy kept a herd of sheep
Taffy kept a herd of sheep
His feelings for them went quite deep
Taffy kept a herd of sheep
His feelings for them went quite deep
He gave them all a name
Taffy kept a herd of sheep
His feelings for them went quite deep
He gave them all a name
But remembering them was quite a game
Taffy kept a herd of sheep
His feelings for them went quite deep
He gave them all a name
But remembering them was quite a game
When he was trying to go to sleep
XxxxxxxxxxX
Eddie was a steward on a big cruise ship
Eddie was a steward on a big cruise ship
He made cocktails which the posh people sipped
Eddie was a steward on a big cruise ship
He made cocktails which the posh people sipped
Some folks of course were far from posh
Eddie was a steward on a big cruise ship
He made cocktails which the posh people sipped
Some folks of course were far from posh
They had no finesse , but loads of dosh
Eddie was a steward on a big cruise ship
He made cocktails which the posh people sipped
Some folks of course were far from posh
They had no finesse , but loads of dosh
Footballers' wives with new boobs and lips.
XxxxxxxxxxX
He had a mate called George who was cabin crew
He had a mate called George who was cabin crew
And a singer/dancer who's name was Lou
He had a mate called George who was cabin crew
And a singer/dancer who's name was Lou
Together they made quite a trio
He had a mate called George who was cabin crew
And a singer/dancer who's name was Lou
Together they made quite a trio
And when the ship docked in Rio
He had a mate called George who was cabin crew
And a singer/dancer who's name was Lou
Together they made quite a trio
And when the ship docked in Rio
They showed what three dancers could do!
A lazy young schoolboy from Nuneaton
A lazy young schoolboy from Nuneaton
Discovered his lunch had been eaten
A lazy young schoolboy from Nuneaton
Discovered his lunch had been eaten
when demanding 'oo dun it?'
A lazy young schoolboy from Nuneaton
Discovered his lunch had been eaten
when demanding 'oo dun it'
Some one cried ' Fat Billy wannit'
A lazy young schoolboy from Nuneaton
Discovered his lunch had been eaten
when demanding 'oo dunit'
Some one cried ' Fat Billy wannit'
The rest of this limerick has me beaten
December 04, 2023, 08:19:10 PM
Harry rolled home at two in the morn
Harry rolled home at two in the morn
His headache was banging, wished he'd never been born
Harry rolled home at two in the morn
His headache was banging, wished he'd never been born
He called up the dancers, 'are yer awake luv ?
Harry rolled home at two in the morn
His headache was banging, wished he'd never been born
He called up the dancers, 'are yer awake luv ?
I can't find my keys, lost my wallet and gloves
Harry rolled home at two in the morn
His headache was banging, wished he'd never been born
He called up the dancers, 'are yer awake luv ?
I can't find my keys, lost my wallet and gloves
And somehow my trousers are tattered and torn
Boris took the offered cake
Boris took the offered cake
Just as good as Carrie could make
Boris took the offered cake
Just as good as Carrie could make
He knew he shouldn't take a bite
Boris took the offered cake
Just as good as Carrie could make
He knew he shouldn't take a bite
His trousers were already tight
Boris took the offered cake
Just as good as Carrie could make
He knew he shouldn't take a bite
His trousers were already tight
And his belly was starting to ache
Jill went for a walk but it started to rain
Jill went for a walk but it started to rain
Her sidekick Jack said 'What a pain'
Jill went for a walk but it started to rain
Her sidekick Jack said 'What a pain'
You've forgotten your brolly
Jill went for a walk but it started to rain
Her sidekick Jack said 'What a pain'
You've forgotten your brolly
Have you brought any lolly?
Jill went for a walk but it started to rain
Her sidekick Jack said 'What a pain'
You've forgotten your brolly
Have you brought any lolly ?
We'll just pop back in the pub again
Annie put red lippy on for a special date
Annie put red lippy on for a special date
The wrong side of forty, desperate for a mate
Annie put red lippy on for a special date
The wrong side of forty, desperate for a mate
She looked a real treat 😋
Annie put red lippy on for a special date
The wrong side of forty, desperate for a mate
She looked a real treat 😋
Except for her feet
Annie put red lippy on for a special date
The wrong side of forty, desperate for a mate
She looked a real treat 😋
Except for her feet
Well bigger than an eight.
Bonko the clown had lost his shoes
Bonko the clown had lost his shoes
They were on his feet when he went for a snooze
Bonko the clown had lost his shoes
They were on his feet when he went for a snooze
Who else would those giant boots fit?
Bonko the clown had lost his shoes
They were on his feet when he went for a snooze
Who else would those giant shoes fit ?
I think it was Annie.. I think she did it
Nice one Scrumpy - made me smile :grin:
Bonko the clown had lost his shoes
They were on his feet when he went for a snooze
Who else would those giant shoes fit ?
I think it was Annie.. I think she did it
As shops had none in her size to choose
Bonko decided to report this foul crime
Bonko decided to report this foul crime
But couldn't remember when he had them last time
Bonko decided to report this foul crime
But couldn't remember when he had them last time
They were certainly gone when he awoke
Bonko decided to report this foul crime
But couldn't remember when he had them last time
They were certainly gone when he awoke
So decided he'd have a quick smoke
Bonko decided to report this foul crime
But couldn't remember when he had them last time
They were certainly gone when he awoke
So decided he'd have a quick smoke
And hope that something in his brain might chime
****** ******
Billy was a boxer at his local gym
Billy was a boxer at his local gym
Ears made of cauliflour he had a thick skin
Billy was a boxer at his local gym
Ears made of cauliflower he had a thick skin
Although he sparred there every day
Billy was a boxer at his local gym
Ears made of cauliflower he had a thick skin
Although he sparred there every day
Being a bit punch drunk he lost his way
Billy was a boxer at his local gym
Ears made of cauliflower he had a thick skin
Although he sparred there every day
Being a bit punch drunk he lost his way
So, don't do boxing because you will never win
Rita could spell cabbage but got cauliflower wrong
Haha! :busted:
Rita could spell cabbage but got cauliflower wrong
An old pedant corrected her, it didn't take long
Rita could spell cabbage but got cauliflower wrong
An old pedant corrected her, it didn't take long
Something one old duffer didn't even spot :rolleyes:
Rita could spell cabbage but got cauliflower wrong
An old pedant corrected her, it didn't take long
Something one old duffer didn't even spot :rolleyes:
Some of us don't know much, but our spelling's pretty hot
Rita could spell cabbage but got cauliflower wrong
An old pendant corrected her, it didn't take long
Something one old duffer didn't even spot :rolleyes:
Some of us don't know much but our spelling's pretty hot
Well done Granny.. Hoorah ! ... Ding Dong !!
Betty won the raffle at the social club
Betty won the raffle at the social club
Some smelly bath salts to put in the tub
Betty won the raffle at the social club
Some smelly bath salts to put in the tub
She sulked because she wanted the gin
Betty won the raffle at the social club
Some smelly bath salts to put in the tub
She sulked because she wanted the gin
But that had gone to that old soak Gwynne
Betty won the raffle at the social club
Some smelly bath salts to put in the tub
She sulked because she wanted the gin
But that had gone to that old soak Gwynne
Not to worry she thought, heading for the pub
There was a young lady from Paris
There was a young lady from Paris
Who drove a pink Toyota Yaris
There was a young lady from Paris
Who drove a pink Toyota Yaris
Sad to say it broke down yesterday
There was a young lady from Paris
Who drove a pink Toyota Yaris
Sad to say it broke down yesterday
And bits dropped off it all the way
There was a young lady from Paris
Who drove a pink Toyota Yaris
Sad to say it broke down yesterday
And bits dropped off it all the way
So she got a lift from her friend called Carys
XxxxxxxxxxX
Sally was Christmas shopping in town
Sally was Christmas shopping in town
Some smelly candles, a warm dressing gown
Sally was Christmas shopping in town
Some smelly candles, a warm dressing gown
She maxed out her card
Sally was Christmas shopping in town
Some smelly candles, a warm dressing gown
She maxed out her card
which wasn't too hard
Sally was Christmas shopping in town
Some smelly candles, a warm dressing gown
She maxed out her card
which wasn't too hard
and was left with only a pound
Beryl went to London to see the Christmas lights
Beryl went to London to see the Christmas lights
Never before had she seen such sights
Beryl went to London to see the Christmas lights
Never before had she seen such sights
Then after two glasses of warming mulled wine
Beryl went to London to see the Christmas lights
Never before had she seen such sights
Then after two glasses of warming mulled wine
the lights became bigger and so did their shine
Beryl went to London to see the Christmas lights
Never before had she seen such sights
Then after two glasses of warming mulled wine
The lights became bigger and so did their shine
Until she slipped over and buggered her tights
Santa was busy loading his sleigh
Santa was busy loading his sleigh
Christmas was coming so he couldn't delay
Santa was busy loading his sleigh
Christmas was coming so he couldn't delay
The elves were no help - all blind drunk
Santa was busy loading his sleigh
Christmas was coming so he couldn't delay
The elves were no help - all blind drunk
And most of the gifts were expensive junk
Santa was busy loading his sleigh
Christmas was coming so he couldn't delay
The elves were no help- all blind drunk
And most of the gifts were expensive junk
Made in Mumbai.. That was once Bombay
Nigel ate a penis.. and some camel eyes too
Nigel ate a penis.. and some camel eyes too
Could have been worse - maybe crocodile poo
Nigel ate a penis.. and some camel eyes too
Could have been worse - maybe crocodile poo
He bravely chomped and down they slid
Nigel ate a penis.. and some camel eyes too
Could have been worse - maybe crocodile poo
He bravely chomped and down they slid
He then threw up in a nearby grid :rolleyes:
Nigel ate a penis.. and some camel eyes too
Could have been worse - maybe crocodile poo
He bravely chomped and down they slid
He then threw up in a nearby grid
And prayed for something better to chew
I'd really love to see Nigel win
I'd really love to see Nigel win
We'll know tonight when the votes are in
I'd really love to see Nigel win
We'll know tonight when the votes are in
I hope he wins votes in the jungle and out
I'd really love to see Nigel win
We'll know tonight when the votes are in
I hope he wins votes in the jungle and out
He'll have lots of support - of that there's no doubt
Quote from: klondike on December 10, 2023, 06:52:01 PMI'd really love to see Nigel win
We'll know tonight when the votes are in
I hope he wins votes in the jungle and out
He'll have lots of support - of that there's no doubt
I opened the app on my phone, but there is no opportunity to vote yet.
At what time does the voting begin?
I opened the app on my phone, but there is no opportunity to vote yet.
At what time does the voting begin?
Not to vote would be a sin :grin: :grin: :grin:
I'd really love to see Nigel win
We'll know tonight when the votes are in
I hope he wins votes in the jungle and out
He'll have lots of support - of that there's no doubt
He's done himself proud, Nigel for king!
*************
They're doing the trials, there's offal and 🐜 ants
They're doing the trials, there's offal and 🐜 ants
Best to wear some tight fitting pants
They're doing the trials, there's offal and 🐜 ants
Best to wear some tight fitting pants
Nigel braved snakes but he still didn't win
They're doing the trials, there's offal and 🐜 ants
Best to wear some tight fitting pants
Nigel braved snakes but he still didn't win
He'll just have to take it on the chin
They're doing the trials, there's offal and 🐜 ants
Best to wear some tight fitting pants
Nigel braved snakes but he still didn't win
He'll just have to take it on the chin
So here's to him anyway, cheers, chin chin!
************
Two weeks to Christmas, and nothing done
Two weeks to Christmas, and nothing done
Ah well, there's always a hot cross bun!
Two weeks to Christmas, and nothing done
Ah well, there's always a hot cross bun!
Motivation is lacking
Really should get cracking!
Two weeks to Christmas , and nothing done
Ah well, there's always a hot cross bun !
Motivation is lacking
Really should get cracking
I'll not be going on the Christmas run
The blueberries rolled all over the floor
The blueberries rolled all over the floor
I ate them anyway and then bought more
The blueberries rolled all over the floor
I ate them anyway and then bought more
I lost my Lemon Chicken, heaven knows where
The blueberries rolled all over the floor
I ate them anyway and then bought more
I lost my Lemon Chicken, heaven knows where
It's not been a good week for the Frigidaire
The blueberries rolled all over the floor
I ate them anyway and then bought more
I lost my Lemon Chicken, heaven knows where
It's not been a good week for the Frigidaire
And grovelling around has made my knees sore
My internet is on the blink
My internet is on the blink
Bad weather's the reason I think
My internet is on the blink
Bad weather's the reason I think
With no information, what should I do?
My internet is on the blink
Bad weather's the reason I think
With no information, what should I do?
I'll go and ask Tracey at the Co-op, that's who
My internet is on the blink
Bad weather's the reason I think
With no information, what should I do?
I'll go and ask Tracey at the Co-op, that's who
She's no idea, she said use pen and ink!
XxxxxxxxxxX
If we had no forum what would we do?
If we had no forum what would we do ?
Boring bloody housework and bloody washing too
If we had no forum what would we do ?
Boring bloody housework and bloody washing too
Cakes and pies galore
If we had no forum what would we do ?
Boring bloody housework and bloody washing too
Cakes and pies galore
Yumyums and doughnuts and more
If we had no forum what would we do ?
Boring bloody housework and blood washing too
Cakes and pies galore
Yumyums and doughnuts and more
We would all be fat... boo hoo !
Marlene whispered in Santa's ear
Marlene whispered in Santa's ear
'What would you like for Christmas my dear?'
Marlene whispered in Santa's ear
' What would you like for Christmas my dear'?
Santa's nose went the brightest red
Marlene whispered in Santa's ear
' What would you like for Christmas my dear'?
Santa's nose went the brightest red
Glenfiddichs my favourite, it has to be said.
Marlene whispered in Santa's ear
'What would you like for Christmas my dear'
Santa's nose turned the brightest red
Glenfiddichs my favourite ,it has to be said
'Sorry Santa, much too dear.. All you'll get is a bottle of beer'
Marlene whispered in Santa's ear
'What would you like for Christmas my dear'
Santa's nose turned the brightest red
Glenfiddichs my favourite ,it has to be said
'Sorry Santa, much too dear.. All you'll get is a bottle of beer'
Santa's sleigh was all ready to go
Santa's sleigh was ready to go
But Rudolf and Blitzen were on 'Go slow'
Santa's sleigh was ready to go
But Rudolf and Blitzen were on 'Go slow'
I've not finished my carrots Rudolph cried
Santa's sleigh was all ready to go
But Rudolf and Blitzen were on a 'Go slow'
I've not finished my carrots Rudolph cried
Poor old Rudolph was never satisfied !
Santa's sleigh was all ready to go
But Rudolf and Blitzen were on a 'Go slow'
I've not finished my carrots Rudolph cried
Poor old Rudolph was never satisfied !
So Santa promised them a bonus, hohoho :x14:
:x16: :x15: :x14: :x15: :x16:
Betty loved a mulled wine or three
Betty loved a mulled wine or three
And she would end up feeling very squiffy
Betty loved a mulled wine or three
And she would end up feeling very squiffy
To get her in the festive mood
Betty loved a mulled wine or three
And she would end up feeling very squiffy
To get her in the festive mood
She'd gobble loads of Christmas food
Betty loved a mulled wine or three
And she would end up feeling very squiffy
To get her in the festive mood
She'd gobble loads of Christmas food
Then lie down under the Christmas tree.
:x9: :x9:
The Christmas lights are twinkling and bright
The Christmas lights are twinkling and bright
They glow even better in the dark of the night
The Christmas lights are twinkling and bright
They glow even better in the dark of the night
The one just there doesn't - I think it has blown
The Christmas lights are twinkling and bright
They glow even better in the dark of the night
The one just there doesn't - I think it has blown
I might just replace it, oh damn, they've all gone
The Christmas lights are twinkling and bright
They glow even better in the dark of the night
The one just there doesn't - I think it has blown
I might just replace it, oh damn, they've all gone
Those big hot flames gave me quite a fright
Where did I stash that Santa suit
Where did I stash that Santa suit
I wore it last year.. looked really cute
Where did I stash that Santa suit
I wore it last year.. looked really cute
Remember now it's in the loft
Where did I stash that Santa suit
I wore it last year.. looked really cute
Remember now it's in the loft
Its nice red velvet, really soft
Where did I stash that Santa suit
I wore it last year.. looked really cute
Remember now it's in the loft
It's nice red velvet, really soft
Well it still fits but there's only one boot :sad:
Party invites. What a pain
Dare we invite Uncle Jack again?
Party invites. What a pain
Dare we invite Uncle Jack again?
He drinks too much, and is really boring
Party invites. What a pain
Dare we invite Uncle Jack again?
He drinks too much, and is really boring
But what's worse is his snoring
Party invites. What a pain
Dare we invite Uncle Jack again?
He drinks too much, and is really boring
But what's worse is his snoring
Plus I still can't clean that carpet stain
I'm really late putting up the tree
I'm really late putting up the tree
Last year the dog used it to have a wee
I'm really late putting up the tree
Last year the dog used it to have a wee
Febreeze and Dettol got rid of the pong
Some of it anyway - it's still quite strong
I'm really late putting up the tree
Last year the dog used it to have a wee
Febreeze and Detol got rid of the pong
Some of it anyway- it's still quite strong
All the dogs from around will be visiting thee
Mabel waited for Santa to call
Mabel waited for Santa to call
She longed for a present mo matter how small
Mabel waited for Santa to call
She longed for a present no matter how small
On Christmas morning under the tree
Mabel waited for Santa to call
She longed for a present no matter how small
On Christmas morning under the tree
There was something big.She was full of glee
Mabel waited for Santa to call
She longed for a present no matter how small
On Christmas morning under the tree
There was something big. She was full of glee
If she downed the lot she'd have to crawl
Hark the church bells - they are ringing
Hark the church bells - they are ringing
Out of tune the choir is singing
Hark the church bells - they are ringing
Out of tune the choir is singing
What's that bloke doing in yonder pew?
Hark the church bells - they are ringing
Out of tune the choir is singing
What's that bloke doing in yonder pew?
Is he ! He's not !! Dirty bugger.. phew!!
Hark the church bells - they are ringing
Out of tune the choir is singing
What's that bloke doing in yonder pew?
Is he ! He's not !! Dirty bugger.. phew!!
Whatever he did, the smell was minging 🤢
:x14: ********** :x10:
In the village he was well known
In the village he was known
For selling manure.. All homegrown !
In the village he was well known
For selling manure.. All homegrown !
He kept a horse and a pig
In the village he was well known
For selling manure.. All homegrown !
He kept a horse and a pig
Who was fond of a fig
In the village he was well known
For selling manure.. All homegrown !
He kept a horse and a pig
Who was fond of a fig
He'd leap up to catch any thrown
The horse preferred some fresh mown hay
The horse preferred some new mown hay
When he was hungry, he'd loudly neigh
The horse preferred some new mown hay
When he was hungry, he'd loudly neigh
Sadly hay caused a problem when he was pulling a cart
The horse preferred some new mown hay
When he was hungry, he'd loudly neigh
Sadly hay caused a problem when he was pulling a cart
The effort made him burp, and strained his heart (😉)
Its not how old you are, but how you are old
Is a line I've often been told
The horse preferred some new mown hay
When he was hungry, he'd loudly neigh
Sadly hay caused a problem when he was pulling a cart
The effort made him burp, and strained his heart (😉)
And so his regular passengers pray
Alfie supported Man United
Alfie supported Man United
At every match he'd get over excited
Alfie supported Man United
At every match he'd get over excited
When would that expensive forward score
Alfie supported Man United
At every match he'd get over excited
When would that expensive forward score
When Lord Lucan walked thru the door ?
Alfie supported Man United
At every match he'd get over excited
When would that expensive forward score
When Lord Lucan walked thru the door ?
When they lost, his mood was blighted.
:x7: :x7: :x7: :x7:
Tis the season of joy and cheer
Tis the season of joy and cheer
For all those flogging tat off dear
Tis the season of joy and cheer
For all those flogging tat off dear
The Christmas markets are all rammed
Tis the season of joy and cheer
For all those flogging tat off dear
The Christmas markets are all rammed
At least those that aren't yet banned
Tis the season of joy and cheer
For all those flogging tat off dear
The Christmas markets are all rammed
At least those that aren't yet banned
With punters tipsy on mulled wine and beer 🍻
:x16: :x16: :x16: :x16: :x16:
Jim was on the gates at the football ground
Jim was on the gates at the football ground
His nose was red, feet cold and the ball could not be found
Jim was on the gates at the football ground
His nose was red, feet cold and the ball could not be found
The fans were shouting, open up!
Twas the final of the local brewery cup
Jim was on the gates at the football ground
His nose was red,feet cold and the ball could not be found
The fans were shouting, open up!
Twas the final of the local brewery cup
There'll be drinks all round I'll be bound
Snow was falling all around
Snow was falling all around
Scrumpy's flasher seemed to have gone to ground
Snow was falling all around
Scrumpy's flasher seemed to have gone to ground
Although she'd searched high and low
Snow was falling all around
Scrumpy's flasher seemed to have gone to ground
Although she'd searched high and low
She'd had no luck, she was far too slow
Snow was falling all around
Scrumpy's flasher seemed to have gone to ground
Although she'd searched high and low
She'd had no luck, she was far too slow
So sobbing quietly without a sound
She made enquiries on her local Nextdoor
She made enquiries on her local Nextdoor
And what she read, shook her to the core!
She made enquiries on her local Nextdoor
And what she read, shook her to the core!
Pervs on there in many disguises
She made enquiries on her local next door
And what she read, shook her to the core!
pervs on there in many disguises
Some in frocks coming in many sizes
She made enquiries on her local next door
And what she read, shook her to the core!
pervs on there in many disguises
Some in frocks coming in many sizes
All on the pull and hoping to score
Gary has swapped his boots for the telly
Gary has swapped his boots for the telly
And has become a woke overpaid nelly
Gary has swapped his boots for the telly
And has become a woke overpaid nelly
He should stick to what he knows
Gary has swapped his boots for the telly
And has become a woke overpaid nelly
He should stick to what he knows
Instead of poking in his nose
Gary has swapped his boots for the telly
And has become a woke overpaid nelly
He should stick to what he knows
instead of poking in his nose
About those who prefer dinghies to the ferry
The old folk queued up for their Christmas lunch
The old folk queued up for their Christmas lunch
Sparkly jumpers, paper hats, such a happy bunch
The old folk queued up for their Christmas lunch
Sparkly jumpers, paper hats, such a happy bunch
Then 'Christmas is cancelled' cried one old bloke
The old folk queued up for their Christmas lunch
Sparkly jumpers, paper hats, such a happy bunch
Then 'Christmas is cancelled' cried one old bloke
Word quickly spread round Sutton and as far as Selly Oak
The old folk queued up for their Christmas lunch
Sparkly jumpers, paper hats, such a happy bunch
Then 'Christmas is cancelled' cried one old bloke
Word quickly spread round Sutton and as far as Selly Oak
Was his name Brian? Just a hunch 😉
:x2: :x2:
The old folk decided to carry on to the club
The old folk decided to carry on to the club
An old twerp would not stop something they love
The old folk decided to carry on to the club
An old twerp would not stop something they love
Each was told to "Get a job"
The old folk decided to carry on to the club
An old twerp would not stop something they love
Each was told to "Get a job"
By the brummie with the big gob
The old folk decided to carry on to the club
An old twerp would not stop something they love
Each was told to "Get a job"
By the brummie with the big gob
So they pulled their crackers and ate the grub.
:x10: :x10: :x10: :x10:
It was Christmas Eve, Bet was on the sherry
It was Christmas Eve, Bet was on the sherry
While her mate Lin was necking perry
It was Christmas Eve ,Bet was on the sherry
While her mate Lin was necking perry
Beryl was crying whilst drinking gin
It was Christmas Eve ,Bet was on the sherry
While her mate Lin was necking perry
Beryl was crying whilst drinking gin
Gladys was looking for fag ends in the bin
It was Christmas Eve ,Bet was on the sherry
While her mate Lin was necking perry
Beryl was crying whilst drinking gin
Gladys was looking for fag ends in the bin
All four nuns were making merry
The vicar heard his church bells ringing
The vicar heard his church bells ringing
And down the lane the carollers were singing
The vicar heard his church bells ringing
And down the lane carollers were singing
Little Jimmy was tucked up in his bed
The vicar heard his church bells ringing
And down the lane carollers were singing
Little Jimmy was tucked up in his bed
Only pretending to sleep it must be said
The vicar heard his church bells ringing
And down the lane carollers were singing
Little Jimmy was tucked up in his bed
Only pretending to sleep it must be said
He waited to see what Santa was bringing
Nelly's mince pies were always a hit
Nelly's mince pies were always a hit
Last year one caught Bernie right on the lip
Nelly's mince pies were always a hit
Last year one caught Bernie right on the lip
They had so much brandy
Nelly's mince pies were always a hit
Last year one caught Bernie right on the lip
They had so much brandy
He felt that was dandy
Nelly's mince pies were always a hit
Last year one caught Bernie right on the lip
They had so much brandy
He felt that was dandy
Except for the lbs they put on his hips!
*********
The gifts are wrapped and under the tree
The gifts were wrapped and under the tree
The dog walked past and did a wee
The gifts were wrapped and under the tree
The dog walked past and did a wee
The cat was hiding on a branch up high
The gifts were wrapped and under the tree
The dog walked past and did a wee
The cat was hiding on a branch up high
Hoping to see Santa pass by
The gifts were wrapped and under the tree
The dog walked past and did a wee
The cat was hiding on a branch up high
Hoping to see Santa pass by
Uncle Fred was drunk, as was Nell. Mum was in the kitchen starting tea.
Quote from: Scrumpy on December 24, 2023, 12:39:06 PMThe gifts were wrapped and under the tree
The dog walked past and did a wee
The cat was hiding on a branch up high
Hoping to see Santa pass by
Uncle Fred was drunk, as was Nell. Mum was in the kitchen starting tea.
The office party got off with a bang
The office party got off with a bang
Chief culprits being the usual gang
The office party got off with a bang
Chief culprits being the usual gang
Mandy from HR downing the vodka
The office party got off with a bang
Chief culprits being the usual gang
Mandy from HR downing the brandy (if anybody can rhyme vodka please ignore this post)
Phil from IT as always getting too randy
The office party got off with a bang
Chief culprits being the usual gang
Mandy from HR downing the brandy (if anybody can rhyme vodka please ignore this
Phil from IT as always getting randy. todger ? :x10: but brandy is better
The office party got off with a bang
Chief culprits being the usual gang
Mandy from HR downing the brandy
Phil from IT as always getting randy.
Til Sharon floored him with a bang.
************
The hangovers kicked in, they paid the price
Of too much wine, beer and vodka on ice
The hangovers kicked in, they paid the price
Of too much wine, beer and vodka on ice
Alka Seltzer that's the thing
The hangovers kicked in, they paid the price
Of too much wine, beer and vodka on ice
Alka Seltzer that's the thing
If you want to bring back your zing
The hangovers kicked in, they paid the price
Of too much wine, beer and vodka on ice
Alka Seltzer that's the thing
If you want to bring back your zing
You'll be all sparkly in a trice
It didn't work I still feel rough
Surely three should be enough?
It didn't work I still feel rough
Surely three should be enough?
Perhaps a paracetamol or two
It didn't work I still feel rough
Surely three should be enough?
Perhaps a paracetamol or two
Maybe it's a touch of flu
It didn't work I still feel rough
Surely three should be enough?
Perhaps a paracetamol or two
Maybe it's a touch of flu
Or Covid, judging by the cough.
XxxxxxxxxX
We've drunk Christmas spirits and bottles of wine
We've drunk Christmas spirits and bottles of wine
You had three to each one of mine
We've drunk Christmas spirits and bottles of wine
You had three to each one of mine
Are you suggesting I'm a lush?
We've drunk Christmas spirits and bottles of wine
You had three to each one of mine
Are you suggesting I'm a lush?
Don't worry it'll stay hush hush
We've drunk Christmas spirits and bottles of wine
You had three to each one of mine
Are you suggesting I'm a lush?
Don't worry it'll stay hush hush
I'll show no-one your whisky stein
Ouch! Now I have a blackened eye
Ouch! Now I have a blackened eye
The Scotts can really throw a punch.. aye :nooo:
Ouch! Now I have a blackened eye
The Scotts can really throw a punch.. aye :nooo:
Some folks just can't take a joke
Ouch! Now I have a blackened eye
The Scots can really throw a punch.. aye :nooo:
Some folks just can't take a joke
After all, twas only a wee poke
Ouch! Now I have a blackened eye
The Scots can really throw a punch.. aye :nooo:
Some folks just can't take a joke
After all, twas only a wee poke
You were welcome to the whisky, but you also nicked my pie!
XxxxxxxxxxxxX
In a few days it will be the New Year
In a few days it will be the New Year
More whiskey, Gin and vodka I fear
In a few days it will be the New Year
More whiskey, Gin and vodka I fear
Do you really mean fear or is that hope?
In a few days it will be New Year
More whiskey,Gin and vodka I fear
Do you really mean fear or is that hope?
I am not a drinker so that is a nope
In a few days it will be New Year
More whiskey,Gin and vodka I fear
Do you really mean fear or is that hope?
I am not a drinker so that is a nope
New Year, when many will shed a tear
There was a drag artist called Stan
There was a drag artist called Stan
A disgrace to his poor old mam
There was a drag artist called Stan
A disgrace to his poor old mam
But when Stan became Fran
There was a drag artist called Stan
A disgrace to his poor old mam
But when Stan became Fran
He looked just like his gran!
There was a drag artist called Stan
A disgrace to his poor old mam
But when Stan became Fran
He looked just like his gran!
Something that was never his plan
It must be true. It's here in the Mail
It must be true. It's here in the Mail
That Buckingham Palace is up for SALE
It must be true. It's here in the Mail
That Buckingham Palace is up for SALE
Netflix are making an enormous bid
It must be true. It's here in the Mail
That Buckingham Palace is up for SALE
Netflix are making an enormous bid
Charles is said to be flipping his lid
It must be true. It's here in the Mail
That Buckingham Palace is up for SALE
Netflix are making an enormous bid
Charles is said to be flipping his lid
But let's hope common sense will prevail
Mrs Morgan was famous in her town
Mrs Morgan was famous in her town
Rather than a coat, she wore a dressing gown
Mrs Morgan was famous in her town
Rather than a coat , she wore a dressing gown
It had big red buttons that shone in the dark
Mrs Morgan was famous in her town
Rather than a coat , she wore a dressing gown
It had big red buttons that shone in the dark
Handy when strolling through the park
Mrs Morgan was famous in her town
Rather than a coat, she wore a dressing gown
It had big red buttons that shone in the dark
Handy when strolling through the park
with Wee Willy Winky ,known as Mr Brown
Ethel got the wishbone at a chicken lunch
Ethel got the wishbone at the chicken lunch
Who knows what she wished for, have you a hunch?
Ethel got the wishbone at the chicken lunch
Who knows what she wished for, have you a hunch?
I saw buy some tickets so perhaps a lottery prize
Ethel got the wishbone at the chicken lunch
Who knows what she wished for, have you a hunch?
She wished for new teeth 🙏
Ethel got the wishbone at the chicken lunch
Who knows what she wished for, have you a hunch?
She wished for new teeth
That were stolen by a thief
Ethel got the wishbone at the chicken lunch
Who knows what she wished for, have you a hunch?
She wished for new teeth
That were stolen by a thief
And dinner and lunch, she can't munch. 😕
***********
Pete was doing the washing up
Pete was doing the washing up
All went well til he dropped a cup
Pete was doing the washing up
All went well til he dropped a cup
It shattered in tiny pieces
Pete was doing the washing up
All went well til he dropped a cup
It shattered in tiny pieces
He panicked.. should the missus see this
Pete was doing the washing up
All went well til he dropped a cup
It shattered in tiny pieces
He panicked.. should the missus see this
So he told her 'it was the naughty pup' 😏
**********
Now that Christmas is done this year
Now that Christmas is done this year
The New Year is next with plenty of cheer
Now that Christmas is done this year
The New Year is next with plenty of cheer
What of old England? will next year be better?
Now that Christmas is done this year
The New Year is next with plenty of cheer
What of old England? will next year be better?
Like as not it'll just be wetter
Now that Christmas is done this year
The New Year is next with plenty of cheer
What of old England? will next year be better?
Like as not it'll just be wetter
Of that dear Klondy I have no fear !
Hamish bought a new electric van
Hamish bought a new electric van
Then plugged it in to his neighbour Stan
Hamish bought a new electric van
Then plugged it in to his neighbour Stan
It came to naught that cunning ruse
All it did was blow the fuse
Hamish bought a new electric van
Then plugged it in to his neighbour Stan
It came to naught that cunning ruse
All it did was blow the fuse
So he cursed and away he ran! 🏃�♂️
Looks like Ruthio did a vanishing trick
Looks like Ruthio did a vanishing trick
Or just didn't fancy starting a new limerick?
Looks like Ruthio did a vanishing trick
Or just didn't fancy starting a new limerick?
If you've games on ignore tis easy to miss
Looks like Ruthio did a vanishing trick
Or just didn't fancy starting a new limerick?
If you've games on ignore tis easy to miss
I guess it's down to me to answer this
Looks like Ruthio did a vanishing trick
Or just didn't fancy starting a new limerick?
If you've games on ignore tis easy to miss
I guess it's down to me to answer this
And I'll put in the last line, double quick. 😉
**********
The weather is windy, raining and wet
The weather is windy, raining and wet
Come summer we can complain about sweat
The weather is windy, raining and wet
Come summer we can complain about sweat
Trains not running .. No planes taking flight
The weather is windy, raining and wet
Come summer we can complain about sweat
Trains not running .. No planes taking flight
But this is a very special night
Drunks singing Auld Lang Syne I bet!
**********
A wish to you all, a Happy New Year
A wish to you all, a Happy New Year
It's eleven o'clock, 'twill soon be here
A wish to you all, a Happy New Year
It's eleven o'clock, 'twill soon be here
At midnight whilst the people sang
The bells chimed out, they loudly rang
And welcomed 2024 my dears
*****************
At the party in town, Dave was on the booze
At the party in town, Dave was on the booze
He was wearing a frock !!. Heaven knows who's
At the party in town, Dave was on the booze
He was wearing a frock !!. Heaven knows who's
Slack Alice shouted OI THAT'S MINE
Get it off you pervy swine
At the party in town, Dave was on the booze
He was wearing a frock !!. Heaven knows whose
Slack Alice shouted OI THAT'S MINE
Get it off you pervy swine
Dave flounced and shouted' I refuse' :rolleyes:
The Mother Ship is still going strong
The Mother Ship is still going strong
Which goes to show that I was wrong
The Mother Ship is still going strong
Which goes to show that I was wrong
They still yearn for the site they left
They still think it was the best
The Mother Ship is still going strong
Which goes to show that I was wrong
They still yearn for the site they left
They still think it was the best
And where they feel they really belong.
****************
Christmas is over, the trimmings are gone
Christmas is over, the trimmings are gone
Soon be time for Mike to get mowing his lawn
Christmas is over, the trimmings are gone
Soon be time for Mike to get mowing his lawn
Klondike will be sailing in his fishing boat
Christmas is over, the trimmings are gone
Soon be time for Mike to get mowing his lawn
Klondike will be sailing in his fishing boat
Without the need of his electric coat
Christmas is over, the trimmings are gone
Soon be time for Mike to get mowing his lawn
Klondike will be sailing in his fishing boat
Without the need of his electric coat
And Scrumpy will be popping to the Co-op at dawn.
****************
Betty liked to shop for bargains every day
Betty liked to shop for bargains every day
TK Maxx was her favourite it's safe to say
Betty liked to shop for bargains every day
TKMaxx was her favourite it's safe to say
M&S she thought was crap
Betty liked to shop for bargains every day
TKMaxx was her favourite it's safe to say
M&S she thought was crap
She thought the same of Habitat
Betty liked to shop for bargains every day
TKMaxx was her favourite it's safe to say
M&S she thought was crap
She thought the same of Habitat
But she adored the thrill of eBay
Sally was a beauty Queen in 1964
Sally was a beauty Queen in 1964
Her like will now be seen no more
Sally was a beauty Queen in 1964
Her like will now be seen no more
Her femininity was in no doubt
Sally was a beauty Queen in 1964
Her like will now be seen no more
Her femininity was in no doubt
Stunning assets and a mischievous pout
Sally was a beauty Queen in 1964
Her like will now be seen no more
Her femininity was in no doubt
Stunning assets and mischievous pout
2023 a 6footer with beard that's for sure
Quote from: Scrumpy on January 02, 2024, 06:53:53 PMSally was a beauty Queen in 1964
Her like will now be seen no more
Her femininity was in no doubt
Stunning assets and mischievous pout
2023 a 6footer with beard that's for sure
Brenda was a barmaid at the Dog & Bone
Brenda was a barmaid at the Dog & Bone
She was friendly with the punters, never moaned and groaned
Brenda was a barmaid at the Dog & Bone
She was friendly with the punters, never moaned and groaned
Freddie was her favourite, he drove a two ton truck
Brenda was a barmaid at the Dog & Bone
She was friendly with the punters, never moaned and groaned
Freddie was her favourite, he drove a two ton truck
He'd take her for a ride in it trusting to his luck
Brenda was a barmaid at the Dog&Bone
She was friendly with the punters,never moaned and groaned
Freddie was her favourite,he drove a two ton truck
He'd take her for a ride in it trusting to his luck
But luck didn't often work, and he'd drive home alone
Maggie hit the jackpot when she married Sid
Maggie hit the jackpot when she married Sid
Their honeymoon was 7 days spent in Madrid
Maggie hit the jack pot when she married Sid
Their honeymoon was 7 days spent in Madrid
But Pablo caught her eye as he served the sangria
Maggie hit the jack pot when she married Sid
Their honeymoon was 7 days spent in Madrid
But Pablo caught her eye as he served the sangria
He wasn't very subtle as he focused on her rear
Maggie hit the jack pot when she married Sid
Their honeymoon was 7 days spent in Madrid
But Pablo caught her eye as he served the sangria
He wasn't very subtle as he focused on her rear
Sid got very angry, so Pablo ran and hid.
There was a young man called Luke
There was a young man called Luke
Whose father was a penniless Duke
There was a young man called Luke
Whose father was a penniless Duke
But they had a big house with servants galore
There was a young man called Luke
Whose father was a penniless Duke
But they had a big house with servants galore
So when daddy passed out on the floor
There was a young man called Luke
Whose father was a penniless Duke
But they had a big house with servants galore
So when daddy passed out on the floor
Luke threw his darts in the door, what a fluke !
Now Nigel's back on the political scene
Now Nigel's back on the political scene
His opponents will all begin to scream
Now Nigel is back on the political scene
His opponents will all begin to scream
Boris might even become his mate
Nothing's impossible, it's not too late
Now Nigel is back on the political scene
His opponents will all begin to scream
Boris might even become his mate
Nothing's impossible, it's not too late
Is Reform a reality, or just a hopeful dream?
**********
I've been to the panto in town today
The dame was sooo butch, and the leading man's gay
I've been to the panto in town today
The dame was sooo butch, and the leading man's gay
Snow White she wasn't and the dwarfs were tall
I've been to the panto in town today
The dame was sooo butch, and the leading man's gay
Snow White she wasn't and the dwarfs were tall
The Beast wasn't scary, and his horns were too small
I've been to the panto in town today
The dame was sooo butch, and the leading man's gay
Snow White she wasn't and the dwarfs were tall
The Beast wasn't scary, and his horns were too small
All pretty dire but I still had to pay
Mike has started constructing an ark
Mike has started constructing an ark
It started out as a bit of a lark
Mike has started constructing an ark
It started out as a bit of a lark
Til his wellies got stuck in the mud
Mike has started constructing an ark
It started out as a bit of a lark
Til his wellies got stuck in the mud
And pulling on then did no good
Mike has started constructing an ark
It started out as a bit of a lark
Til his wellies got stuck in the mud
And pulling on them did no good
They're now floating along in the dark
************
Its New Year, and new people have joined the gym
Its New Year, and new people have joined the gym
Most of them are hoping to slim
It's New Year, and new people have joined the gym
Most of them are hoping to slim
But it won't last very long!
It's New Year, and new people have joined the gym
Most of them are hoping to slim
But it won't last very long
The need for chocolate is much too strong
It's New Year, and new people have joined the gym
Most of them are hoping to slim
But it won't last very long
The need for chocolate is much too strong
As is the need for the odd bottle of gin !
Doris went to bingo every Friday night
Doris went to bingo every Friday night
Her old man went to the boozer and staggered home quite tight
Doris went to bingo every Friday night
Her old man went to the boozer and staggered home quite tight
On Saturday he stayed in bed
Doris went to bingo every Friday night
Her old man went to the boozer and staggered home quite tight
On Saturday he stayed in bed
Usually with a thumping head
Doris went to bingo every Friday night
Her old man went to the boozer and staggered home quite tight
On Saturday he stayed in bed
Usually with a thumping head
And Doris hid her winnings somewhere out of sight
Walking back from bingo Doris met a man
Walking back from bingo Doris met a man
He offered her a lift in his tatty Transit van
Walking back from bingo Doris met a man
He offered her a lift in his tatty Transit van
Doris was excited for the man had many tools
Walking back from bingo Doris met a man
He offered her a lift in his tatty Transit van
Doris was excited for the man had many tools
Some hammers, a saw, and a large extending rule...
Walking back from bingo Doris met a man
He offered her a lift in his tatty Transit van
Doris was excited for the man had many tools
Some hammers, a saw, and a large extended rule..
but when she saw his screw driver Doris was a fan
The bride was late.. nowhere to be seen
The bride was late.. nowhere to be se
And instead of white, she was dressed in green
The bride was late.. nowhere to be se
And instead of white, she was dressed in green
Which is supposed to bring bad luck it's said
The bride was late.. nowhere to be seen
And instead of white, she was dressed in green
Which is supposed to bring bad luck it's said
Could have been worse and she'd dressed in red
The bride was late.. nowhere to be seen
And instead of white, she was dressed in green
Which is supposed to bring bad luck it's said
Could have been worse and she'd dressed in red
To match her outside light you mean?
It pays to advertise they say
It pays to advertise they say
If you want to get the punters to pay
It pays to advertise they say
If you want to get the punters to pay
Spread the word far and wide
It pays to advertise they say
If you want to get the punters to pay
Spread the word far and wide
It matters not if you've lied
It pays to advertise they say
If you want to make the punters pay
Spread the word far and wide
It matters not if you've lied
Make them think they can't delay
Vote for us you're in safe hands
Vote for us you're in safe hands
Vote for them, votes down the pans
Vote for us you're in safe hands
Vote for them, votes down the pans
They've not got OUR five point list
Vote for us you're in safe hands
Vote for them, votes down the pans
They've not got OUR five point list
Public concerns, completely missed
Vote for us you're in safe hands
Vote for them, votes down the pans
They've not got our five point list
Public concerns, completely missed
Pot holes.. Parking and Travellers.. We are not fans
Billy drove a yellow school bus
Billy drove a yellow school bus
A problem with his ill fitting truss
Billy drove a yellow school bus
A problem with his ill fitting truss
It was scratchy and too tight
Billy drove a yellow school bus
A problem with his ill fitting truss
It was scratchy and too tight
Going over bumps was quite a fright
Billy drove a yellow school bus
A problem with his ill fitting truss
It was scratchy and too tight
Going over bumps was quite a fright
And at the kids he'd yell and cuss 🤬
**********
His brother Bob was a lollipop man
His brother Bob was a lollipop man
He took over the job from his old gran
His brother Bob was a lollipop man
He took over the job from his old gran
He polished his STOP sign every day
His brother Bob was a lollipop man
He took over the job from his old gran
He polished his STOP sign every day
He started early, for not much pay
His brother Bob was a lollipop man
He took over the job from his old gran
He polished his STOP sign every day
He started early, for not much pay
Then got run down by a grubby white van
The kids all cried when they lost Bob
The kids all cried when they lost Bob
He was always kind I heard one sob
The kids all cried when they lost Bob
He was always kind I heard one sob
They plotted to sort the white van out
The kids all cried when they lost Bob
He was always kind I heard one sob
They plotted to sort the white van out
So headed for the gypsy camp to have a scout about.
The kids all cried when they lost Bob
He was always kind I heard one sob
They plotted to sort the white van out
So headed for the gypsy camp to have a scout about
Saw 20 bikes and 40 gnomes so to the police they did dob
Scrumpy's disappeared, I wonder where she's gine
Scrumpy's disappeared, I wonder where she's gine
I went to check my Lottery to see if it's a win
Scrumpy's disappeared, I wonder where she's gone
I went to check my Lottery to see if it's a win
I hope if you were lucky, you'll buy us all a treat
GrannyMac.. I rhymed win with gine.. because I believe it to be said this way in Scotland.. Was I wrong.. ? :grin: :grin:
Scrumpy's disappeared, I wonder where she's goin'
I went to check my Lottery to see if it's a win
I hope if you were lucky, you'll buy us all a treat
Sorry just a tenner and I bought a joint of meat
Scrumpy's disappeared, I wonder where she's goin'
I went to check my Lottery to see if it's a win
I hope if you were lucky, you'll buy us all a treat
Sorry just a tenner and I bought a joint of meat
Better luck next time, pick your numbers with a pin!
(Sorry Scrumpy, typo, and I didn't spot it)
**************
I ought to be more careful with my spelling when I write
I ought to be more careful with my spelling when I write
Because ,someone on here, is not so very bright
I ought to be more careful with my spelling when I write
Because, someone on here, is not so very bright
It isn't me, it's all the others.Them what think they're smart
I ought to be more careful with my spelling when I write
Because, someone on here, is not so very bright
It isn't me, it's all the others.Them what think they're smart
It's not me either, I couldn't give a fart !
I ought to be more careful with my spelling when I write
Because , someone on here, is not so very bright
It isn't me, it's all the others.Them what think they're smart
It's not me either, I couldn't give a fart!
Alex is on a warning, for rude words.. Right.!!
Lets keep the limericks going please?
Lets keep the limericks going please
Starting a new one should be a breeze
Any old starter will surely do
Lets keep the limericks going please
Starting a new one should be a breeze
Any old starter will surely do
I leave it empty for the rest of you
But today I am not going to leave
Eric had a nasty lisp and a stutter too
Eric had a nasty lisp and a stutter too
Those bothering to listen were very few
Eric had a nasty lisp and a stutter too
Those bothering to listen were very few
It took a while for Eric to order a pint
Eric had a nasty lisp and a stutter too
Those bothering to listen were very few
It took a while for Eric to order a pint
And as for a Spritzer it took most of the night
Eric had a nasty lisp and a stutter too
Those bothering to listen were very few
It took a while for Eric to order a pint
And as for a Spritzer it took most of the night
Everyone behind him had to form a queue
I often miss the Limericks as I don't see the'games'
I've got them on ignore so only ME to blame.
I often miss the Limericks as I don't see the'games'
I've got them on ignore so only ME to blame.
Each time you're on the forum you should have a sneaky peek
At Klondike's witty lines and Scrumpy's bloomin' cheek ☺️
I often miss the Limericks as I don't see the'games'
I've got them on ignore so only ME to blame.
Each time you're on the forum you should have a sneaky peek
At Klondike's witty lines and Scrumpy's bloomin' cheek ☺️
If only I could remember, it's such a shame :rolleyes:
My friend Pete still plays in a band
My friend Pete still plays in a band
At the old folks home where Ethel's a fan
My friend Pete still plays in a band
At the old folks home where Ethel's a fan
The oldies all complained the music was too loud
My friend Pete still plays in a band
At the old folks home where Ethel's a fan
The oldies all complained the music was too loud
But Ethel was up boogying, at 80 she was proud
My friend Pete still plays in a band
At the old folks home where Ethel's a fan
The oldies all complained the music was too loud
But Ethel was up boogying, at 80 she was proud
She sat on the drummers knee just to give him a hand
Tamara went to night school wanting to learn French
Tamara went to night school wanting to learn French
To impress her dad on his judge's bench
Tamara went to night school wanting to learn French
To impress her on his judge's bench
She learned to say 'Ooh La la' 'Bonjour' and 'We we we'
I missed the word dad on line 2 - corrected
Tamara went to night school wanting to learn French
To impress her Dad on his judge's bench
She learned to say 'Ooh La la' 'Bonjour' and 'We we we'
And chatted up the tutor who gladly said 'mais oui '
Tamara went to night school wanting to learn French
To impress her Dad on his judge's bench
She learned to say 'Ooh La la' 'Bonjour' and 'We we we'
And chatted up the tutor who gladly said 'mais oui'
Then went to live in Paris together they were meant
Jimmy sang like Elvis on Friday's at the pub
Dave was a massive football fan
Dave was massive football fan
And Beckham was 'The man'
Dave was massive football fan
And Beckham was 'The man'
Every week Dave watched a game
Dave was massive football fan
And Beckham was 'The man'
Every week Dave watched a game
Lost again. That ref's to blame
Dave was massive football fan
And Beckham was 'The man'
Every week Dave watched a game
Lost again. That ref's to blame
That centre forward deserved a ban
There was an old man from Ruabon
There was an old man from Ruabon
Who never went out with his coat on
There was an old man from Ruabon
Who never went out with his coat on
In rain and in snow
There was an old man from Ruabon
Who never went out with his coat on
In rain and in snow
Wlist the wind did blow
There was an old man from Ruabon
Who never went out with his coat on
In rain and in snow
Whilst the wind did blow
He'd stroll around in his fluffy long John
Molly made a wish on a shooting star
Molly made a wish on a shooting star
She wasn't greedy, not for a house or a car
Molly made a wish on a shooting star
She wasn't greedy, not for a house or a car
But just for a friendly pussy cat
Molly made a wish on a shooting star
She wasn't greedy, not for a house or a car
But just for a friendly pussy cat
A lovely tabby fluffy and fat
Molly made a wish on a shooting star
She wasn't greedy, not for a house or a car
But just for a friendly pussy cat
A lovely tabby fluffy and fat
Who would sit on her knee, and not roam too far.
Molly's wish came true quite soon
Molly's wish came true quite soon
Then she felt quite over the moon
Molly's wish came true quite soon
Then she felt quite over the moon
The cats' home rang, they had a stray
Molly's wish came true quite soon
Then she felt quite over the moon
The cats' home rang, they had a stray
A scraggy old tom, being delivered today
Molly's wish came true quite soon
Then she felt quite over the moon
The cats' home rang, they had a stray
A scraggy old tom, being delivered today
But the old tom was actually a lovely Maine Coon
Nelly's old telly was on the blink
Nelly's old telly was on the blink
She couldn't watch Get Naked nor The Weakest Link
Nelly's old telly was on the blink
She couldn't watch Get Naked nor The Weakest Link
So she bought a 'refurbished' from a bloke in the pub
Nelly's old telly was on the blink
She couldn't watch Get Naked nor The Weakest Link
So she bought a 'refurbished' from a bloke in the pub
Sadly it's standard could only be called sub
In the adverts all the faces seemed to be pink
Nelly tried to find that chancer again
Nelly tried to find that chancer again
She knew he limped and drove a white van
Nelly tried to find that chancer again
She knew he limped and drove a white van
He did roofing and concrete on the side
You might describe the boy as wide!
Nelly tried to find that chancer again
She knew he limped and drove a white van
He did roofing and concrete on the side
You might describe the boy as wide
But her search turned out to be in vain
A Texan rode into town
A Texan rode into town
On his face a sullen frown
A Texan rode into town
On his face a sullen frown
He parked his horse outside Wetherspoons
A Texan rode into town
On his face a sullen frown
He parked his horse outside Wetherspoons
Where poor Brian meets countless loons
A Texan rode into town
On his face a sullen frown
He parked his horse outside Wetherspoons
Where poor Brian meets countless loons
But the talk about pensions just got him down.
*************
He headed for a classier bar
He headed for a classier bar
Tethering his horse next to the barman's car
He headed for a classier bar
Tethering his horse next to the barman's car
Was told by a man you're not from here'
When all he wanted was to drink some beer
He headed for a classier bar
Tethering his horse next to the barman's car
Was told by a man ' you're not from here'
When all he wanted to drink some beer
'Brummie I am.. travelled far I'm here to bury my good old pa'
Lilley had a tattoo on her large backside
Lilley had a tattoo on her large backside
Plenty of room at three feet wide
Looked like that famous mountain pass
Lilley had a tattoo on her large backside
Plenty of room at three feet wide
Looked like that famous mountain pass
You could say our Lily was 'a bit of a lass'
Lilley had a tattoo on her large backside
Plenty of room at three feet wide
Looked like that famous mountain pass
You could say our Lily was 'a bit of a lass'
That lass's ass was famous, and she carried it with pride!
*****************
Maisie weighed in at slimming club at eighteen stone
Maisie weighed in at slimming club at eighteen stones
I'm not fat my dear she said I only have big bones
Maisie weighed in at the slimming club at eighteen stones
I'm not fat my dear she said I only have big bones
I'm only a size 14.. Or is that 41!!
But the truth is .. she had a big big bum
Maisie weighed in at the slimming club at eighteen stones
I'm not fat my dear she said I only have big bones
I'm only a size 14.. Or is that 41!!
But the truth is .. she had a big big bum
The young 'uns take pics of theirs on their phones :rolleyes:
Tatoos. Big bums. Where are we heading?
Tattoos. Big bums. Where are we heading?
More body piercings and far fewer weddings
Tattoos. Big bums. Where are we heading?
More body piercings and far fewer weddings
When we were young we hated a big bum
And often a girdle was rule of thumb !
Tattoos. Big bums. Where are we heading?
More body piercings and far fewer weddings
When we were young we hated a big bum
And often a girdle was rule of thumb !
It's what come next that I am dreading
I just won't pay that licence fee
Bloody Lineker gets nowt from me
I just won't pay that licence fee
Bloody Lineker gets nowt from me
He should stick to the footie score
He really is such a bore
I just won't pay that licence fee
Bloody Lineker gets nowt from me
He should stick to the footie score
He really is such a bore
if only the BBC would agree!
*************
Davie didn't want a wife
Davie didn't want a wife
He thought she would bring him trouble and strife
Davie didn't want a wife
He thought she would bring him trouble and strife
On the other hand it must be said
Davie didn't want a wife
He thought she would bring him trouble and strife
On the other hand it must be said
Davie might be better fed 😌
Davie didn't want a wife
He thought she would bring him trouble and strife
On the other hand it must be said
Davie might be better fed
All in all a better life !
An onion seller from France
An onion seller from France
Led several ladies a merry dance
An onion seller from France
Led several ladies a merry dance
Looking dashing in his red beret
An onion seller from France
Led several ladies a merry dance
Looking dashing in his red beret
Eyes suggesting a roll in the hay
An onion seller from France
Led several ladies a merry dance
Looking dashing in his red beret
Eyes suggesting a roll in the hay
And a few French kisses perchance?
Charlie was a right old soak
Charlie was a right old soak
His 'mates' in the pub thought he was a joke
Charlie was a right old soak
His 'mates' in the pub thought he was a joke
Come closing time he could rarely walk
Charlie was a right old soak
His 'mates' in the pub thought he was a joke
Come closing time he could rarely walk
At weekends he could barely talk !
Charlie was a right old soak
His 'mates' in the pub thought he was a joke
Come closing time he could rarely walk
At weekends he could barely talk !
His benefits had gone up in smoke!
***********
Another boatload came today
Another boatload came today
Have a guess who'll have to pay.
Another boatload came today
Have a guess who'll have to pay.
And where the money should be spent,
Some British homeless, they're in tents
Another boatload came today
Have a guess who'll have to pay
And where the money should be spent
Some British homeless, they're in tents
Bring in Dad's Army. That's what I say
Jonesy polished up his gun
Jonesy polished up his gun
He'd sort 'em out just like the hun.
Jonesy polished up his gun
He'd sort 'em out just like the hun.
He headed down to Dover beach
Jonesy polished up his gun
He'd sort 'em out just like the hun.
He headed down to Dover beach
Laying mines - dozens for each
Jonesy polished up his gun
He'd sort 'em out just like the hun.
He headed down to Dover beach
Laying mines - dozens for each
Only toy ones, just for fun !
The snow was deep in London town
The snow was deep in London town
No trains or buses, just underground
The snow was deep in London town
No trains or buses, just underground
Brian decided with his pension dough
Birmingham was the place to go
To listen to some people, and spread their words around.
**************
Len was a gambler, on the horses and the slots
Len was a gambler, on the horses and the slots
In his Brixton pub Len called the shots
Len was a gambler on the horses and the slots
In his Brixton pub Len called the shots
He would bet on the next customer being white
Len was a gambler on the horses and the slots
In his Brixton pub Len called the shots
He would bet on the next customer being white
50/1 in Brixton for getting that right
Len was a gambler on the horses and the slots
In his Brixton pub Len called the shots
He would bet on the next customer being white
50/1 in Brixton for getting that right
When he lost all his money they made him wash the pots.
***********
Bert and Lil joined a line dancing club
Bert and Lil joined a line dancing club
It met in the function room of the local pub
Quote from: klondike on January 21, 2024, 12:51:16 PMBert and Lil joined a line dancing club
It met in the function room of the local pub
A shame they shared four left feet
Bert and Lil joined a line dancing club
It met in the function room of the local pub
A shame they shared four left feet
That they kept on trying was rather sweet
Bert and Lil joined a line dancing club
It met in the function room of the local pub
A shame they shared four left feet
That they kept on trying was rather sweet
Truth be told they only went for the booze and grub
January 21, 2024, 04:19:47 PM
The village chippy has been taken over
The village chippy has been taken over
The new owner arrived on the beach at Dover
The village chippy has been taken over
The new owner arrived on the beach at Dover
Out at sea he'd caught many fish
The village chippy has been taken over
The new owner arrived on the beach at Dover
Out at sea he'd caught many fish
But he didn't know how to cook our national dish
The village chippy has been taken over
The new owner arrived on the beach at Dover
Out at sea he'd caught many fish
But he didn't know how to cook our national dish
So all his family came over help..including a dog called Rover
Freda slipped upon the ice, her legs high in the air
She was wearing bright red bloomers but didn't give a care
Freda slipped upon the ice, her legs high in the air
She was wearing bright red bloomers but didn't give a care
The neighbours were all having a laugh
As Freda skidded down the path
Freda slipped upon the ice, her legs high in the air
She was wearing bright red bloomers but didn't give a care
The neighbours were all having a laugh
As Freda skidded down the path
She ignored them all with her usual flair.
There was a young man from Port Talbot
There was a young man from Port Talbot
Who never could keep his mouth shut I struggled !!
There was a young man from Port Talbot
Who never could keep his mouth shut I struggled !!
Some things that he said
There was a young man from Port Talbot
Who never could keep his mouth shut
Some things that he said
Made others blush red
There was a young man from Port Talbot
Who never could keep his mouth shut
Some things that he said
Made others blush red
When talking about his Prince Albert
Amazon are getting it back
Amazon are getting it back
Heaven knows what it is, but I never ordered THAT !
Amazon are getting it back
Heaven knows what it is, but I never ordered THAT !
The box is huge, the item small
Amazon are getting it back
Heaven knows what it is, but I never ordered THAT !
The box is huge, the item small
Box takes up the whole of the hall !
Amazon are getting it back
Heaven knows what it is, but I never ordered THAT!
The box is huge, the item small
Box takes up the whole of the hall !
I think it contains a bloke called Jack
Let's write a limerick, one line at a time
You can say what you please, anything's fine
Let's write a limerick, one line at a time
You can say what you please, anything's fine
I sometimes flip back to limericks of old
Both work fine or so I'm told
Let's write a limerick, one line at a time
You can say what you please, anything's fine
I sometimes flip back to limericks of old
Both work fine or so I'm told
But please use a rhyming word at the end of each line?
****************
I'm sick of this weather, the wind and rain
I'm sick of this weather, the wind and rain
I'm dreaming of beaches in Italy or Spain
I'm sick of this weather, the wind and rain
I'm dreaming of beaches in Italy or Spain
It has to be Australia for me
Not that place called Land of the Free
I'm sick of this weather, the wind and rain
I'm dreaming of beaches in Italy or Spain
It has to be Australia for me
Not that place called Land of the Free
Now all I need is the fare for a plane
Been standing an age in this check in queue
All those delays whatever can I do
Been standing an age in this check in queue
All those delays whatever can I do
The next labe is moving quicker
Been standing an age in this check in queue
All those delays whatever can I do
The next lane is moving quicker
Shall I !! I did .. what a dick ..err !!
Been standing an age in this check in queue
All those delays whatever can I do
The next lane is moving quicker
Shall I !! I did .. what a dick ..err !!
Excess luggage? I nearly turned the air blue
Now my passport's out of date
Now my passport's out of date
No surprise, time I've had to wait
Quote from: Alex on January 24, 2024, 11:13:18 PMNow my passport's out of date
No surprise, time I've had to wait
So I won't be jetting off to Spain
Now my passport is out of date
No surprise, time I've had to wait
So I won't be jetting off to Spain
A caravan in Morecambe, in the rain.
Fred was on a bus, going the wrong way
Fred was on a bus, going the wrong way
He thought it was heading to Morecambe Bay
Now my passport is out of date
No surprise, time I've had to wait
So I won't be jetting off to Spain
A caravan in Morecambe, in the rain.
Alas for me ~ such a fate!
Fred was on a bus, going the wrong way
He thought it was heading to Morecambe Bay
Imagine his concern
Fred was on a bus , going the wrong way
He thought it was heading to Morecambe Bay
Imagine his concern
When the driver took a wrong turn
Fred was on a bus , going the wrong way
He thought it was heading to Morecambe Bay
Imagine his concern
When the driver took a wrong turn
Through a toll and had to pay
Knotted hanky, rolled up trews
Knotted hanky , rolled up trews
Fred went on a river cruise
Knotted hanky , rolled up trews
Fred went on a river cruise
He thought it was going up the Rhine
Knotted hanky, rolled up trews
Fred went on a river cruise
He thought it was going up the Rhine
But it was off to Newcastle on the Tyne
Knotted hanky, rolled up trews
Fred went on a river cruise
He thought it was going up the Rhine
But it was off to Newcastle on the Tyne
No wonder Fred was singing the blues 🎼
************
Eva hoped for a holiday romance
Eva hoped for a holiday romance
As she boarded the train bound for France
Eva hoped for a holiday romance
As she boarded the train bound for France
Romantic Frenchmen what could go wrong?
Eva hoped for a holiday romance
As she boarded the train bound for France
Romantic Frenchmen what could go wrong?
Garlic breath could cause a pong !
Eva hoped for a holiday romance
As she boarded the train bound for France
Romantic Frenchmen what could go wrong?
Garlic breath could cause a pong !
At Eva's age she took the chance
Eva struck lucky and is over the moon
Eva struck lucky and is over the moon
She met a tall, handsome oil tycoon.
Eva struck lucky and is over the moon
She met a tall, handsome oil tycoon
He owned a garage on the A1
Eva struck lucky and is over the moon
She met a tall, handsome oil tycoon
He owned a garage on the A1
So Eva's enjoying a bit of fun
Eva struck lucky and is over the moon
She met a tall, handsome oil tycoon
He owned a garage on the A1
So Eva's enjoying a bit of fun
Even though he can be an outright loon
Eva's beau is kicking off
Threatening to deck another toff
I just noticed when doing a copy paste with this tablet there is an option to read the highlighted text aloud. It makes a reasonable job of it too.
Eva's beau is kicking off
Threatening to deck another toff
She really should give him the push 👋
Eva's beau is kicking off
Threatening to deck another toff
She really should give him the push 👋
She may one day but is in no rush
Eva's beau is kicking off
Threatening to deck another toff
She really should give him the push 👋
She may one day but is in no rush
She likes his money, but is annoyed by his cough.
************
People are in pain and fear
They can't see a dentist til next year
People are in pain and fear
They can't see a dentist til next year
Josh decided to pull his own
People are in pain and fear
They can't see a dentist til next year
Josh decided to pull his own
With pliers he tugged, and moaned and groaned
People are in pain and fear
They can't see a dentist til next year
Josh decided to pull his own
With pliers he tugged, and moaned and groaned
Then had to stop as he felt so queer
Oil of cloves is said to work
Oil of cloves is said to work
It's in a bottle with a cork
Oil of cloves is said to work
It's in a bottle with a cork
It doesn't 'Pop' like champagne
Oil of cloves is said to work
It's in a bottle with a cork
It doesn't 'Pop' like champagne
Tastes real bad but might ease the pain
Oil of cloves is said to work
It's in a bottle with a cork
It doesn't 'Pop' like champagne
Tastes real bad but might ease the pain
Or dig that tooth out with a fork? 🥵
************
It's Sunday morning, bright and clear
It's Sunday morning, bright and clear
Quordle Rescue! I need a beer
It's Sunday morning, bright and clear
Quordle Rescue! I need a beer
Bacon and egg it is for me
It's Sunday morning, bright and clear
Quordle rescue! I need a beer
Bacon and egg it is for me
With fried bread and a cuppa tea
It's Sunday morning, bright and clear
Quordle rescue! I need a beer
Bacon and egg it is for me
With fried bread and a cuppa tea
I met my friend for coffee, she's a dear!
***********
Some days these word games leave me sighing
Some days these word games leave me sighing
Others are worse and I end up crying :cry:
Some days these word games leave me sighing
Others are worse and I end up crying
My patience for this is sadly lacking
Some days these word games leave me sighing
Others are worse and I end up crying
My patience for this is sadly lacking
I've never felt the urge to get cracking
Some days these word games leave me sighing
Others are worse and I end up crying
My patience for this is sadly lacking
I've never felt the urge to get cracking
More exciting to watch paint drying !
A chap who lives in Bridgend
A chap who lives in Bridgend
Was tight and never wanted to spend
A chap who lives in Bridgend
Was tight and never wanted to spend
His wallet went missing
A chap who lives in Bridgend
Was tight and never wanted to spend
His wallet went missing
Along with the lass he'd been kissing
A chap who lives in Bridgend
Was tight and never wanted to spend
His wallet went missing
Along with the lass he'd been kissing
Was she worth it? Not really, but his heart's on the mend.
*****************
A Lancashire fellow called Pete
A Lancashire fellow called Pete
Was playing away - a real cheat
A Lancashire fellow called Pete
Was playing away- a real cheat
He dated Molly, Betty and even a Sue
A Lancashire fellow called Pete
Was playing away- a real cheat
He dated Molly, Betty and even a Sue
The women were even forming a queue
A Lancashire fellow called Pete
Was playing away- a real cheat
He dated Molly, Betty and even a Sue
The women were even forming a queue
What could he have that left other blokes beat? :hmm:
A popular young lass name of Suzy
A popular young lass name of Suzy
Had a romp one day in a jacuzzi
A popular young lass name of Suzy
Had a romp one day in a jacuzzi
The bubbles went 'pop'
A popular young lass name of Suzy
Had a romp one day in a jacuzzi
The bubbles went 'pop'
They'd soon need a mop
A popular young lass name of Suzy
Had a romp one day in a jacuzzi
The bubbles went 'pop'
They'd soon need a mop
Now Suzy is known as a floozy
Roger was a pilot who flew a Jumbo Jet
Roger was a pilot who flew a Jumbo Jet
He flew it under Tower Bridge just to win a bet
Roger was a pilot who flew a Jumbo Jet
He flew it under Tower Bridge just to win a bet
He's on ground crew now, his wings are clipped
Roger was a pilot who flew a Jumbo Jet
He flew it under Tower Bridge just to win a bet
He's on ground crew now, his wings are clipped
His gold braid has been well and truly stripped
Roger was a pilot who flew a Jumbo Jet
He flew it under Tower Bridge just to win a bet
He's on ground crew now, his wings are clipped
His gold braid has been well and truly stripped
Poor Roger's wife has gone leaving him with giant debt
Bernard was a welder working on the Tyne
Bernard was a welder working on the Tyne
He didn't mind the weather, he worked come rain or shine
Bernard was a welder working on the Tyne
He didn't mind the weather, he worked come rain or shine
Sparks would fly when he was cross
Bernard was a welder working on the Tyne
He didn't mind the weather, he worked come rain or shine
Sparks would fly when he was cross
One set light to his watching boss
Bernard was a welder working on the Tyne
He didn't mind the weather, he worked come rain or shine
Sparks would fly when he was cross
One set light to his watching boss
Now Bernard's in charge, it was about time.
***************
Young Daisy was desperate for a wedding ring
Young Daisy was desperate for a wedding ring
No luck at all despite many a fling
Young Daisy was desperate for a wedding ring
No luck at all despite many a fling
In desperation she placed an ad
Young Daisy was desperate for a wedding ring
No luck at all despite many a fling
In desperation she placed an ad
Which attracted a man - an outright cad
Young Daisy was desperate for a wedding ring
No luck at all despite many a fling
In desperation she placed an ad
Which attracted a man - an outright cad
A wrong 'un indeed, but to Daisy ' a king '
A new vicar arrived in Bradford
Hang on Klondy you've skipped Mike's and my lines !
Wrong page so I've deleted it.
A new vicar arrived in Bradford
The ladies say he resembles Robert Redford
I noticed, and was following you Alex, when you posted. Here goes:
A new vicar arrived in Bradford
With great ambitions to spread the word
A new vicar arrived in Bradford
With great ambitions to spread the word
His collection box just grew and grew
And he was last seen headed for Corfu
A new vicar arrived in Bradford
With great ambitions to spread the word
His collection box just grew and grew
And he was last seen headed for Corfu
More than his congregation could ever afford
************
In the pool you see some sights
A thong bikini, a swimsuit too tight
In the pool you see some sights
A thong bikini, a swimsuit too tight
A channel swimmer showing off
Something floating.. very soft
In the pool you see some sights
A thong bikini, a swimsuit too tight
A channel swimmer showing off
Something floating.. very soft
Is that a shark !!!! Will it bite !!
Molly was a clippie and she rode the trams
Mollie was a clippie and she rode the trams
And always helped mums to load their prams
Mollie was a clippie and she rode the trams
And always helped mums to load their prams
In between runs, she'd have a quick fag
Mollie was a clippie and she rode the trams
And always helped mums to load their prams
In between runs, she'd have a quick fag
Along with Ollie who was partial to a drag
Mollie was a clippie and she rode the trams
And always helped mums to load their prams
In between runs, she'd have a quick fag
Along with Ollie who was partial to a drag
And always deferred to Mollie as 'ma'am'.
************
The weekend market was Dave's favourite place
The weekend Market was Dave's favourite place
He sold knickers and bras covered in lace
The weekend Market was Dave's favourite place
He sold knickers and bras covered in lace
Plus racier items from the back of the stall
The weekend Market was Dave's favourite place
He sold knickers and bras covered in lace
Plus racier items from the back of the stall
He had a spiv lookout whose name was Paul
The weekend Market was Dave's favourite place
He sold knickers and bras covered in lace
Plus racier items from the back of the stall
He had a spiv lookout whose name was Paul
With a hard drugs habit and a tattooed face
*****************
Dave and Paul drank in the market pub
Dave and Paul drank in the market pub
The beer was good and so was the grub
Dave and Paul drank in the market pub
The beer was good and so was the grub
It was where they picked up the dodgy gear
Dave and Paul drank in the market pub
The beer was good and so was the grub
It was where they picked up the dodgy gear
Some cheap fags? Of course my dear.
Dave and Paul drank in the market pub
The beer was good and so was the grub
It was where they picked up the dodgy gear
Some cheap fags? Of course my dear
And something for Maggie who's in the club
Maggie loved Dave with all her heart
Maggie loved Dave with all her heart
She even forgave the occasional fart
Maggie loved Dave with all her heart
She even forgave the occasional fart
He was her man, her baby's dad
Maggie loved Dave with all her heart
She even forgave the occasional fart
He was her man , her baby's dad
He accepted the ginger hair on the lad
Maggie loved Dave with all her heart
She even forgave the occasional fart
He was her man , her baby's dad
He accepted the ginger hair on the lad
It has to be said he's none too smart
When Sally met Harry
When Sally met Harry
In a bar with Carol and Barry
When Sally met Harry
In a bar with Carol and Barry
They drank far too much beer
When Sally met Harry
In a bar with Carol and Barry
They drank far too much beer
But sold lots of 'gear'
When Sally met Harry
In a bar with Carol and Barry
They drank far too much beer
But sold lots of 'gear'
So both were as happy as Larry
It takes all sorts or so they say
It takes all sorts or so they say
Some are straight some are gay
It takes all sorts or so they say
Some are straight some are gay
Some are fat and others thin
It takes all sorts or so they say
Some are straight some are gay
Some are fat and others thin
Some go out some stay in
It takes all sorts or so they say
Some are straight some are gay
Some are fat and others thin
Some go out some stay in
Some are faithful, some like to stray
***********
Giles was a bit of a ladies' man
Giles was a bit of a ladies man
His motto was ' Get it where I can'
Giles was a bit of a ladies man
His motto was ' Get it where I can'
Just what he "got" he wasn't sure
But hoped the clinic had a cure
Giles was a bit of a ladies man
His motto was ' Get it where I can'
Just what he "got" he wasn't sure
But hoped the clinic had a cure
Or from the ladies he's forever banned.
************
The clinic did some tests, oh dear!
The clinic did some tests, oh dear!
Must have them again, as one wasn't clear
The clinic did some tests, oh dear!
Must have them again, as one wasn't clear
But black and swollen don't bode well
Not to mention the awful smell
The clinic did some tests, oh dear
Must have them again, as one wasn't clear
But black and swollen don't bode well
Not to mention the awful smell
WARNING.. keep away from Giles . Don't go near
Billy showed off in his big red car
Some of these really make me laugh!
Billy showed off in his big red car
It looked the biz, but he couldn't go far
Billy showed off in his big red car
It looked the biz, but he couldn't go far
Not that there was any need
Billy showed off his big red car
It looked the biz but he couldn't go far
Not that there was any need
His wife Maud held on to the keys
Billy showed off his big red car
It looked the biz but he couldn't go far
Not that there was any need
His wife Maud held on to the keys
And hid them in an old jam jar.
*
With a cold wind blowing all day
With a cold wind blowing all day
That's another big gas bill I'll have to pay
With a cold wind blowing all day
That's another big gas bill I'll have to pay
And snow's on it's way
With a cold wind blowing all day
That's another big gas bill I'll have to pay
And snow's on it's way
At least that's what all the papers say
With a cold wind blowing all day
That's another big gas bill I'll have to pay
And snow's on its way
At least that's what the papers say
I won't be sorry when it's May
Spam fritters was Fred's favourite food
Spam fritters was Fred's favourite food
He scoffed them quick and hardly chewed
Spam fritters was Fred's favourite food
He scoffed them quick and hardly chewed
He seldom chewed , he had no teeth
It was a bugger eating beef
Spam fritters was Fred's favourite food
He scoffed them quick and hardly chewed
He seldom chewed , he had no teeth
It was a bugger eating beef
If he couldn't have spam, he'd be in a mood.
****************
Edna was a hoarder, her house a hazard zone
Edna was a hoarder, her house a hazard zone
You were in danger even seated on the throne
Edna was a hoarder, her house a hazard zone
You were in danger even seated on the throne
Nowhere to get a wash the bath and sink were full
Edna was a hoarder, her house a hazard zone
You were in danger even seated on the throne
Nowhere to get a wash the bath and sink were full
Empty boxes, a rusty bike and even a Halloween skull
Edna was a hoarder, her house a hazard zone
You were in danger even seated on the throne
Nowhere to get a wash the bath and sink were full
Empty boxes, a rusty bike and even a Halloween skull
It all collapsed on Edna, now she's dead and gone. 😢
*************
Maggie loved her garden, she kept it pretty neat
Maggie loved her garden, she kept it pretty neat
Plenty of compost and none containing peat
Maggie loved her garden, she kept it pretty neat
Plenty of compost and none containing peat
A gnome sat in the corner doing 'who knows what'
Maggie loved her garden, she kept it pretty neat
Plenty of compost and none containing peat
A gnome sat in the corner doing 'who knows what'
If he thinks there's any fish in there he really is a clot
Maggie loved her garden, she kept it pretty neat
Plenty of compost and none containing peat
A gnome sat in the corner doing 'who knows what'
If he thinks there's any fish in there he really is a clot
He's weeing and fishing, that really is a feat
The gulls swooped down and nicked Joe's chips
The gulls swooped down and nicked Joe's chips
Saving him a few pounds on his hips
The gulls swooped down and nicked Joe's chips
Saving him a few pounds on his hips
Despite that help he still took the hump
The gulls swooped down and nicked Joe's chips
Saving him a few pounds on the hips
Despite that help he still took the hump
They didn't grab Ethel's, that's why she was lump
Albert won the raffle ,a bottle of gin
Albert won the raffle, a bottle of gin
Should he swig the lot or share it with his kin?
Albert won the raffle, a big bottle of gin
Should he swig the lot or share it with his kin?
He'd have a drink and then decide
Albert won the raffle, a big bottle of gin
Should he swig the lot or share it with his kin?
He'd have a drink and then decide
But before you know it - he was pie-eyed
Albert won the raffle, a big bottle of gin
Should he swig the lot or share it with his kin?
He'd have a drink and then decide
But before you know it - he was pie-eyed
He was it seems too drunk for the lock in.
Milly from Philly was a helluva catch
Milly from Philly was a helluva catch
She tried very hard to find a good match
Milly from Philly was a helluva catch
She tried very hard to find a good match
She spotted a bloke the spitting image of Clooney
Milly from Philly was a helluva catch
She tried very hard to find a good match
She spotted a bloke the spitting image of Clooney
But it soon became clear he was a bit of a loony
Milly from Philly was a hell of a catch
She tried very hard to find a good match
She spotted a bloke the splitting image of Clooney
But it soon became clear he was a bit of a looney
Alas, it was Judd who arrived in the last batch
Take a look at his avatar
George Clooney was a member on a dating site
George Clooney was a member on a dating site
But looking at his photo, something wasn't right
George Clooney was a member on a dating site
But looking at his photo, something wasn't right
For a bloke in his 60s it looks too young
George Clooney was a member on a dating site
But looking at his photo, something wasn't right
For a bloke in his 60s it looks too young
I'll just take my specs off and have some fun
George Clooney was a member on a dating site
But looking at his photo, something wasn't right
For a bloke in his 60s it looks too young
I'll just take my specs off and have some fun
Then he gave the ladies a scary big fright!
*
For he turned around and then flashed his bum! :shocked:
For he turned around and then flashed his bum!
Really exciting my dear old mum
For he turned around and then flashed his bum !
Really exciting my dear old mum
Her dentures fell out ,her glass eye did too
For he turned around and then flashed his bum !
Really exciting my dear old mum
Her dentures fell out, her glass eye did too
She picked them up and joined the queue
For he turned around and then flashed his bum !
Really exciting my dear old mum
Her dentures fell out, her glass eye did too
She picked them up and joined the queue
I hope she's careful, impostors are scum!
***********
Benny was a postie, with a really big sack
Benny was a postie, with a really big sack
But a sense of direction he really did lack
Benny was a postie, with a really big sack
But a sense of direction he really did lack
someone gave him a map
Benny was a postie, with a really big sack
But a sense of direction he really did lack
someone gave him a map
Which he kept under his cap
Benny was a postie, with a really big sack
But a sense of direction he really did lack
Someone gave him a map
Which he kept under his hat
Along with Pat's black cat..
I think this rhyme went all awry
So, another we will try
I think this rhyme went all awry
So another we will try
Lets make it funny, have a laugh
I think this rhyme went all awry
So another we will try
Lets make it funny, have a laugh
Try and think of something daft
I think this rhyme went all awry
So another we will try
Lets make it funny, have a laugh
Try and think of something daft
My mind's gone blank I think I'll cry
Oh blast now I have to start another :cry:
Oh blast now I have to start another :cry:
Come now Klondy, not such a bother
Oh blast now I have to start another
Come now Klondy, not such a bother
I'll try my best to start something witty
Oh blast now I have to start another
Come now Klondy, not such a bother
I'll try my best to start something witty
But the minds gone blank.. such a pity
Oh blast now I have to start another
Come now Klondy, not such a bother
I'll try my best to start something witty
But the minds gone blank.. such a pity
Makes me feel a real old duffer
The bin men have failed to show today
The bin men have failed to show today
I was told they'd lost their way
The bin men have failed to show today
I was told they'd lost their way
More likely they've met her from forty two
The bin men have failed to show today
I was told they'd lost their way
More like they've met her from forty two
She invites them in for a cuppa brew
The bin men have failed to show today
I was told they'd lost their way
More like they've met her from forty two
She invites them in for a cuppa brew
The "cup that cheers" I've heard folk say
I'll ring the council that'll sort it out
I'll ring the council that'll sort it out
They'll have a meeting and a day out
I'll ring the council that'll sort it out
They'll have a meeting and a day out
A hands on meeting at number forty two
I'll ring the council that'll sort it out
They'll have a meeting and a day out
A hands on meeting at number forty two
With tea and biscuits, and a visit to the loo
I'll ring the council that'll sort it out
They'll have a meeting and a day out
A hands on meeting at number forty two
With tea and biscuits, and a visit to the loo
An enjoyable day without a doubt
A For Sale sign is up at number forty two
A For Sale sign is up at number forty two
The woman's run off with a bloke called Hugh
A For Sale sign is up at number forty two
The woman's run off with a bloke called Hugh
He's an expert golfer with a powerful stroke
A For Sale sign is up at number forty two
The woman's run off with a bloke called Hugh
He's an expert golfer with a powerful stroke
And drives around in a Mini Moke
A For Sale sign is up at forty two
The woman's run off with a bloke called Hugh
He's an expert golfer with a powerful stroke
And drives around in a Mini Moke
A hole in one he hopes to do
Ethel's bunion throbbed when it was going to rain
Ethel's bunion throbbed when it was going to rain
It went all red and caused her some pain
Ethel's bunion throbbed when it was going to rain
It went all red and caused her some pain
Her nose went purple in the cold
Ethel's bunion throbbed when it was going to rain
It went all red and caused her some pain
Her nose went purple in the cold
The grandkids said 'it's cos you're old'
Ethel's bunion throbbed when it was going to rain
It went all red and caused her some pain
Her nose went purple in the cold
The grandkids said 'it's cos you're old'
So she boxed their ears and rattled their brains
You'll never believe what I saw today
You'll never believe what I saw today
Farmer Jones and Connie in the hay
You'll never believe what I saw today
Farmer Jones and Connie in the hay
Poor Connie seemed to have slipped onto the floor
You'll never believe what I saw today
Farmer Jones and Connie in the hay
Poor Connie seemed to have slipped onto the floor
And ended up covered in straw
You'll never believe what I saw today
Farmer Jones and Connie in the hay
Poor Connie seemed to have slipped onto the floor
And ended up covered in straw
So Farmer Jones had his way. :worried:
*
With pitchfork in hand Connie screamed
With pitchfork in hand Connie screamed
A girl with spirit. Farmer Jones beamed
With pitchfork in hand Connie screamed
A girl with spirit. Farmer Jones beamed
"I love you" he cried ❤
With pitchfork in hand Connie screamed
A girl with spirit,Farmer Jones beamed
'I love you' he cried
To roll her over , he tried
With pitchfork in hand Connie screamed
A girl with spirit,Farmer Jones beamed
'I love you' he cried
To roll her over , he tried
She grabbed a pitchfork, he was reamed!
*************
Football, rugby, and darts on TV
Really nothing I want to see
Football , rugby and darts on TV
Really nothing I want to see
Holly and Phillip are no more
And the woman Hammond is a bore
Football , rugby and darts on TV
Really nothing I want to see
Holly and Phillip are no more
And the woman Hammond is a bore
There's really much on for me.
*
On a dark, chilly night last week
On a dark, chilly night last week
Dex was arrested while doing a streak
On a dark, chilly night last week
Dex was arrested while doing a streak
klondike caught the action on his CCTV
On a dark, chilly night last week
Dex was arrested for doing a streak
Klondike caught the action on his CCTV
We're going to try it, Mups ,Alex Granny and me
On a dark, chilly night last week
Dex was arrested for doing a streak
Klondike caught the action on his CCTV
We're going to try it, Mups, Alex, Granny and me
Have a care or you'll be meeting the beak
The case was dismissed you'll be happy to hear
The case was dismissed you'll be happy to hear
As the judge toddled off for hid third pint of beer
The case was dismissed you'll be happy to hear
As the judge toddled off for his third pint of beer
A wardrobe mishap and with so little to see
No wonder he entered a "Not Guilty" plea
The case was dismissed you'll be happy to hear
As the judge toddled off for his third pint of beer
A wardrobe mishap and with so little to see
No wonder he entered a "Not Guilty" plea
Then all of his friends then gave up a great cheer!
************
Jerry liked to have a flutter
Jerry liked to have a flutter
He mostly wrote his bets as he had a stutter
Jerry liked to have a flutter
He mostly wrote his bets as he had a stutter
But try as he might, he had no luck
Jerry liked to have a flutter
He mostly wrote his bets as he had a stutter
But try as he might, he had no luck
His bank account in the red was stuck
Jerry liked to have a flutter
He mostly wrote his bets as he had a stutter
But try as he might, he had no luck
His bank account in the red was stuck
If he didn't watch out he'd end up in the gutter
Then in one race he had some luck
Then in one race he had some luck
T'was on The National.. Ten thousand bucks
Then in one race he had some luck
T'was on The National.. Ten thousand bucks
So off to the casino while his luck was in
Then in one race he had some luck
T'was on the National.. Ten thousand bucks
So off to the casino while his luck was in
But he blew it all on a floozy named Lyn
Then in one race he had some luck
T'was on the National.. Ten thousand bucks
So off to the casino while his luck was in
But he blew it all on a floozy named Lyn
Who was famed for her excellent Peking Duck
Jerry dozed after his excellent meal
Jerry dozed off after his excellent meal
Lyn's fingers in his pockets he did not feel
Jerry dozed off after his excellent meal
Lyn's fingers in his pockets he did not feel
He woke and ~ cash had gone!
Jerry dozed off after his excellent meal
Lyn's fingers in his pockets he did not feel
He woke and ~ cash had gone!
But it wasn't too long
Jerry dozed off after his excellent meal
Lyn's fingers in his pockets he did not feel
He woke and - cash had gone
But it wasn't too long
Before she was tasting a prison meal
James said 'I do' but he wasn't sure
You see, he fancied Molly who lived next door
James said 'I do' but he wasn't sure
You see, he fancied Molly who lived next door
But Molly was skint and Polly was flush
James said 'I do' but he wasn't sure
You see, he fancied Molly who lived next door
But Molly was skint and Polly was flush
Then there was Sadie ,who was a bit of a lush
James said 'I do' but he wasn't sure
You see, he fancied Molly who lived next door
But Molly was skint and Polly was flush
Then there was Sadie ,who was a bit of a lush
To be honest anything female was one hell of a lure
Polly suspected James was playing away
Polly suspected James was playing away
He'd go missing, then turn up next day
Polly suspected James was playing away
He'd go missing, then turn up next day
With love bites all over
Where they'd rolled in the clover
Polly suspected James was playing away
He'd go missing , then turn up next day
With love bites all over
Where they'd rolled in the clover
and scratches where they'd made love in the hay
Freda tossed a pancake , it flew up in the air
Freda tossed a pancake , it flew up in the air
It never made the pan again - it landed in her hair
Freda tossed a pancake, it flew up in the air
It never made the pan again- it landed in her hair
She scraped it out and served it up- Tom had it for his tea
Freda tossed a pancake, it flew up in the air
It never made the pan again - it landed in her hair
She scraped it out and served it up - Tom had it for his tea
Freda clearly thinking "what the eye don't see"
Freda tossed a pancake, It flew up in the air
It never made the pan again- it landed in her hair
She scraped it out and served it up- Tom had it for his tea
Freda clearly thinking "what the eye don't see"
Tom thought it was delicious and had another three
Sorry.. I know I got it wrong..but.
Sorry I know I got it wrong but
Everything else I thought of was outrageous smut
Sorry I know I got it wrong but
Everything else I thought of was outrageous smut
Innuendo every time
Leads to most salacious rhymes
Sorry I got it wrong but
Everything else I thought of was outrageous smut
Innuendo every time
leads to most salacious rhymes
But hey ho.. what the ....
When Dolly met Fred her heart skipped a beat
When Dolly met Fred her heart skipped a beat
She came over all faint, and fell at his feet
When Dolly met Fred her heart skipped a beat
She came over all faint, and fell at his feet
Fred tripped over her and sprained his wrist
When Dolly met Fred her heart skipped a beat
She came over all faint, and fell at his feet
Fred tripped over her and sprained his wrist
Whilst down on the floor they had a sneaky kiss
When Dolly met Fred her heart skipped a beat
She came over all faint, and fell at his feet
Fred tripped over her and sprained his wrist
Whilst down on the floor they had a sneaky kiss
Little did she know, Fred was a cheat.
***********
Dolly found out from Fred's long suffering wife
Dolly found out from Fred's long suffering wife
That he'd never been faithful throughout his life
Dolly found out from Fred's long suffering wife
That he'd never been faithful throughout his life
So she loaded her pistol 🔫 🤔 💀 🔫
Dolly found out from Fred's long suffering wife
That he'd never been faithful throughout his life
So she loaded her pistol 🔫 🤔 💀 🔫
Although feeling quite wistful
The bullet went through Fred like a knife.
*************
That was the tale of an unfaithful spouse
That was the tale of an unfaithful spouse
Who's wife wanted him to leave the house
That was the tale of an unfaithful spouse
Who's wife wanted him to leave the house
When he did she changed the locks
That was the tale of an unfaithful spouse
Whose wife wanted him to leave the house
When he did she changed the locks
And stopped all the clocks ⏰
That was the tale of an unfaithful spouse
Whose wife wanted him to leave the house
When he did she changed the locks
And stopped all the clocks ⏰
He took just his clothes and his wee pet mouse 🐁
****************
Bert and Madge took a trip to the sea
Bert and Madge took a trip to the sea
They won it on a raffle- got it for free
Bert and Madge took a trip to the sea
They won it on a raffle- got it for free
They walked hand in hand
Bert and Madge took a trip to the sea
They won it on a raffle- got it for free
They walked hand in hand
Made love in the sand
Then off home to their partners for tea
Aggie sat alone at the tea dance
Aggie sat alone at the tea dance
Ronnie liked her looks, thought he'd have a chance
Aggie sat alone at the tea dance
Ronnie liked her looks, thought he'd have a chance
I'm not that desperate she said
Aggie sat alone at the tea dance
Ronnie liked her looks, thought he'd have a chance
I'm not that desperate she said -
Now go home to bed!
Aggie sat alone at the tea dance
Ronnie liked her looks, thought he'd have a chance
I'm not that desperate she said -
Now go home to bed!
So off he went without a backward glance
Percy set off jogging at a gentle pace
Percy set of jogging at a gentle pace
Dressed as a frog in the village race
Percy set off jogging at a gentle pace
Dressed as a frog in the village race
He wasn't very speedy, he was somewhere at the back
Percy set off jogging at a gentle pace
Dressed as a frog -in the village race
He wasn't very speedy, he was somewhere at the back
He was even overtaken - by a kid in a sack
Percy set off jogging at a gentle pace
Dressed as a frog- in the village race
He wasn't very speedy , he was somewhere at the back
He was even overtaken by a kid in a sack
Percy hopped of home.. too embarrassed to show his face
Florrie was a carnival queen back in sixty-four
Florrie was a carnival queen back in sixty-four
When she was young and pretty, many years before
Florrie was a carnival queen back in sixty-four
When she was young and pretty, many years before
She now has warts and hairs on her chin
Florrie was a carnival queen back in sixty-four
When she was young and pretty, many years before
She now has warts and hairs on her chin
And can swiftly vanish a bottle of gin
Florrie was a carnival queen back in sixty -four
When she was young and pretty, many years before
She now has warts and hairs on her chin
And can swiftly vanish a bottle of gin
Hanging in her cupboard the gown she once wore..
Scrumpy's mind must have gone blank
Scrumpy's mind must have gone blank
Could it be the gin that she drank !!
Scrumpy's mind must have gone blank
Could it be that gin she drank !!
More likely to have been the whisky
Half a bottle makes some folks frisky
Scrumpy's mind must have gone blank
Could it be that gin she drank !!
More likely to have been the whisky
Half a bottle makes some folks frisky
Just a sniff is too much, I think its rank!
**********
Lily's favourite tipple was a dry white wine
Lily's favourite tipple was a dry white wine
I just wish she wouldn't pinch mine
Lily's favourite tipple was a dry white wine
I just wish she wouldn't pinch mine
So I gave her an empty glass!
Lily's favourite tipple was a dry white wine
I just wish she wouldn't pinch mine
So I gave her an empty glass!
She looked at it and said 'I'll pass'
Then drank from the bottle in double quick time
**********
Geordie ran a back street boozer in town
Geordie ran a back street boozer in town
Once it was known as the Rose & Crown
Geordie ran a back street boozer in town
Once it was known as the Rose & Crown
Now it's a wreck
Geordie ran a back street boozer in town
Once it was known as the Rose & Crown
Now it's a wreck
And needs a health check
Geordie ran a back street boozer in town
Once it was known as The Rose & Crown
Now it's a wreck
And needs a health check
after a curious rash was found
Spam is on 'OFFER' at the Co-op today
Spam is on 'OFFER' at the Co-op today
Tracy fears it could cause an affray
There could be a fight for the very last tin
Spam is on 'OFFER' at the Co-op today
Tracy fears it could cause an affray
There could be a fight for the very last tin
Barry's the favourite, all bets are on him
Spam is on 'OFFER' at the Co-op today
Tracy fears it could cause an affray
There could be a fight for the very last tin
Barry's the favourite, all bets are on him
He'll elbow and kick anyone in his way!
*************
Spam fritters are part of his daily fare
Spam fritters are part of his daily fare
Fried Mars bars too which get him a stare
Spam fritters are part of his daily fare
Fried Mars bars too which get him a stare
he pops them inside two slices of bread
Spam fritters are part of his daily fare
Fried Mars bars too which get him a stare
he pops them inside two slices of bread
Give him two years, I bet he'll be dead
Spam fritters are part of his daily fare
Fried Mars bars too which get him a stare
he pops them inside two slices of bread
Give him two years, I bet he'll be dead
Something tells me he just doesn't care
When I set out it was tipping down rain
When I set out it was tipping down rain
and not just on a silly plain in Spain.
When I set out it was tipping down rain
and not just on a silly plain in Spain.
Down South we've got floods
When I set out it was tipping down rain
and not just on a silly plain in Spain.
Down South we've got floods
We all need rain hoods
When I set out it was tipping down rain
and not just on a silly plain in Spain.
Down South we've got floods
We all need rain hoods
I don't wear them.. much too vain.
Freddie was wearing two odd shoes
Freddie was wearing two odd shoes
Maybe his glasses but more likely booze
Freddie was wearing two odd shoes
Maybe his glasses but more likely booze
He shuffled to the pub, as if he was lame
Freddie was wearing two odd shoes
Maybe his glasses but more likely booze
He shuffled to the pub, as if he was lame
It was two left shoes that were to blame
Freddie was wearing two odd shoes
Maybe his glasses but more likely booze
He shuffled to the pub, as if he was lame
It was two left shoes that were to blame
Where were the right ones, he had no clues
*************
Maggie walked her dog three times a day
Maggie walked her dog three times a day
and stopped to chat along the way
Maggie walked her dog three times a day
And stopped to chat along the way
Except to the oddball walking Peter and Andy
Maggie walked her dog three times a day
And stopped to chat along the way
Except to the oddball walking Peter and Andy
as Peter's too dim, and Andy too randy
Maggie walked her dog three times a day
And stopped to chat along the way
Except to the oddball walking Peter and Andy
as Peter's too dim, and Andy too randy
And 'Easter is cancelled' she heard him say.
******************
Maggie's dog was a massive Great Dane
Maggie's dog was a massive Great Dane
Pierre's dog was a poodle named Jane
They sniffed and kissed and fell in love
But not the dogs.. they growled and gruffed
Maggie's dog was a massive Great Dane
Pierre's dog was a poodle named Jane
They sniffed and kissed and fell in love
But not the dogs.. they growled and gruffed
Then chased each other down the lane
***********
As the grey clouds gathered today
As the grey clouds gathered today
Rishi longed for their parting and a golden ray
As the grey clouds gathered today
Rishi longed for their parting and a golden ray
But the rain pelted down
As the grey clouds gathered today
Rishi longed for their parting and a golden ray
But the rain pelted down
And flooded the town
As the grey clouds gathered today
Rishi longed for their parting and a golden ray
But the rain pelted down
And flooded the town
And washed all the voters away
*************
The Tories thought they had a plan
The Tories thought they had a plan
It didn't work and just upset gran
The Tories thought they had a plan
it didn't work and just upset gran
They promised all dentures would be free
The Tories thought they had a plan
it didn't work and just upset gran
They promised all dentures would be free
While looking hard for a money tree
The Tories thought they had a plan
it didn't work and just upset gran
They promised all dentures would be free
While looking hard for a money tree
I'll vote Reform .. the others have gone down the pan
Micky drove the get-away car
Micky drove the get-away car
He forgot to fill it so they didn't get far
Micky drove the get-away car
He forgot to fill it so they didn't get far
It stalled in the middle of York
Micky drove the get-away car
He forgot to fill it so they didn't get far
It stalled in the middle of York
Poor old Micky felt a total dawk
Micky drove the get-away car
He forgot to fill it so they didn't get far
It stalled in the middle of York
Poor old Micky felt a total dawk
Riding a pushbike with his mate on the crossbar.
************
Reform's manifesto looks pretty good
Reform's manifesto looks pretty good
Should we vote for them? I think we should
Reform's manifesto looks pretty good
Should we vote for them? I think we should
Put the Tories on the dole
Reform's manifesto looks pretty good
Should we vote for them? I think we should
Put the Tories on the dole
And that other lot , down a hole
Reform's manifesto looks pretty good
Should we vote for them? I think we should
Put the Tories on the dole
And that other lot , down a hole
Westminster has just too much deadwood
That Guy Fawkes bloke hathched the right plot
He wanted to blow up the whole damned lot
That Guy Fawkes bloke hatched the right plot
He wanted to blow up the whole damned lot
But an anonymous nark gave the plot away
And Guy Fawkes was hanged another day
That Guy Fawkes bloke hatched the right plot
He wanted to blow up the whole damned lot
But an anonymous nark gave the plot away
And Guy Fawkes was hanged another day
But the current lot don't care a jot!
************
The mayor of London should be voted out
The mayor of London should be voted out
But that he'll get back in I have little doubt
The mayor of London should be voted out
But that he'll get back in I have no doubt
He's like a puppet on a string
The mayor of London should be voted out
But that he'll get back in I have no doubt
He's like a puppet on a string
But across London he's more like a king
The mayor of London should be voted out
But that he'll be back in I have no doubt
He's like a puppet on a string
But across London he's more like a King
'Charlie out' you will hear them shout
Young Billy had a bucket and spade
Young Billy had a bucket and spade
On the beach for hours he happily played
Young Billy had a bucket and spade
On the beach for hours he happily played
He dug a channel down to the sea
Young Billy had a bucket and spade
On the beach for hours he happily played
He dug a channel down to the sea
Handy when he wanted to pee
Young Billy had a bucket and spade
On the beach for hours he happily played
He dug a channel down to the sea
Handy when he wanted to pee
- and anyone else wanted to wade
Percy's toupee blew off in a gale
Percy's toupee blew off in a gale
But that's not the end of this sorry tale
Percy's toupee blew off in a gale
But that's not the end of this sorry tale
for it landed on a train
Percy's toupee blew off in a gale
But that's not the end of this sorry tale
for it landed on a train
That was on its way to Spain
Percy's toupee blew off in a gale
But that's not the end of this sorry tale
For it landed on a train
That was on its way to Spain
Then came back via Royal Mail
All the boys were watching Suzy
All the boys were watching Suzy
She wore bright red lipstick and was a floosie
All the boys were watching Suzy
She wore bright red lipstick and was a floosie
But her heart was pure gold 💛
All the boys were watching Suzy
She wore bright red lipstick and was a floosie
But her heart was pure gold
And her hands icy cold
All the boys were watching Suzy
She wore bright red lipstick and was a floosie
But her heart was pure gold
And her hands icy cold
Which only bothered the really choosey
Donald is going to have to fight
Donald is going to have to fight
He's waiting until the dark of the night
Donald is going to have to fight
He's waiting until the dark of the night
Looking for cash to pay his fine
Donald is going to have a fight
He's waiting until the dark of the night
Looking for cash to pay his fine
Under the bed - I've hidden mine
Donald is going to have a fight
He's waiting until the dark of the night
Looking for cash to pay his fine
Under the bed- I've hidden mine
Will he come out on top! I think he might
The rag and bone man rang his bell
The cart was pulled by a nag called Nell
The rag and bone man rang his bell,
His cart was pulled by a nag called Nell
In any weather he was out
The kids would listen for his shout
The rag and bone man rang his bell,
His cart was pulled by a nag called Nell
In any weather he was out
The kids would listen for his shout
' Rag 'n bone.. any old rags you wanna sell'
It's Sunday morning, time to rest
It's Sunday morning, time to rest
In an hour or two I may even get dressed
It's Sunday morning, time to rest
In an hour or two I may even get dressed
Might have a fry-up, with some fried eggs
It's Sunday morning, time to rest
In an hour or two I may even get dressed
Might have a fry-up, with some fried eggs
If there's any booze left polish off the dregs
It's Sunday morning, time to rest
In an hour or two I might get dressed
Might have a fry-up with some fried eggs
If there's any booze left polish off the dregs
Oh!! Forgot the fried bread- that's the best.
Harry stood at the altar waiting for his bride
Harry stood at the altar waiting for his bride
Mum and Dad sat behind him gushing with pride
Harry stood at the altar waiting for his bride
Mum and Dad sat behind him gushing with pride
His feet were cold - and he wanted to run
Harry stood at the altar waiting for his bride
Mum and Dad sat behind him gushing with pride
His feet were cold - and he wanted to run
But he knew tonight would bring such fun !
Harry stood at the altar waiting for his bride
Mum and Dad sat behind him gushing with pride
His feet were cold- and he wanted to run
But he knew tonight would bring so much fun
Alas , he chose Cyril who was waiting outside.
Harry ran off with Cyril, to Brighton by the sea
Harry ran off with Cyril, to Brighton by the sea
They ran jnto the water, shrieking with glee!
Harry ran off with Cyril, to Brighton by the sea
They ran jnto the water, shrieking with glee!
But the cold hit Cyril who fell on his face
Harry ran off with Cyril, to Brighton by the sea
They ran into the water, shrieking with glee !
But the cold hit Cyril who fell on his face
And while he was down there Harry's eyes saw Grace
Sorry Klondike.. Alex beat you to it..
Harry ran off with Cyril, to Brighton by the sea
They ran into the water, shrieking with glee !
But the cold hit Cyril who fell on his face
And while he was down there Harry's eyes saw Grace
Who'd nipped into the water to have a crafty pee
The pair then rescued Cyrll and laid him on the beach
The pair then rescued Cyril and laid him on the beach
They had dragged him up the shingle by pulling one leg each
The pair then rescued Cyril and laid him on the beach
They had dragged him up the shingle by pulling one leg each
Somehow he lost his wig it was floating out to sea
The pair then rescued Cyril and laid him on the beach
They had dragged him up the shingle by pulling one leg each
Somehow he lost his wig it was floating out to sea
They had to calm the poor chap down with brandy in his tea
The pair then rescued Cyril and laid him on the beach
They had dragged him up the shingle by pulling one leg each
Somehow he lost his wig it was floating out to sea
They had to calm the poor chap down with brandy in his tea
And a seagull swooped and took the wig that was within its reach
March 05, 2024, 10:18:28 AM
Mickey had some dodgy goods stored in his white van
Mickey had some dodgy goods stored in his white van
For anything nicked to order, he really was the man
Mickey had some dodgy goods stored in his white van
For anything nicked to order, he really was the man
The police gave him a visit and bought up half his stock
Mickey had some dodgy goods stored in his white van
For anything nicked to order, he really was the man
The police gave him a visit and bought up half his stock
They put in an order some red lippy and four frocks
Mickey had some dodgy goods stored in his white van
For anything nicked to order, he really was the man
The police gave him a visit and bought up half his stock
They put in an order some red lippy and four frocks
Then knicked him for racism - he had a Jerry can
The defendant said the charge was daft
The defendant said the charge was daft
Jerry was a friend, his can he laughed
The defendant said the charge was daft
Jerry was a friend, his can he laughed
Not guilty the jurors all declared
The prosecuter sniffed and glared
He'd have to brush up on his craft
Paddy McGinty sold his goat
Paddy McGinty sold his goat
To Finn O'Reilly ,for 2punts and a boat
Paddy McGinty sold his goat
To Finn O'Reilly, for 2punts and a boat
He launched it into the Irish Sea
Paddy McGinty sold his goat
To Finn O'Reilly, for 2 punts and a boat
He launched it into the Irish Sea
It had sunk before the countdown reached three
Paddy McGinty sold his goat
To Finn O'Reilly, for 2 punts and a boat
He launched it into the Irish Sea
It had sunk before the countdown reached three
Lucky Paddy, he could float.
***********
There was a young builder named Fred
There was a young builder named Fred
Who had trouble getting out of his bed
There was a young builder named Fred
Who had trouble getting out of his bed
But I gave him a hand ✋
There was a young builder named Fred
Who had trouble getting out of his bed
But I gave him a hand ✋
He thought this was grand
There was a young builder named Fred
Who had trouble getting out of his bed
But I gave him a hand ✋
He thought this was grand
Who knows where it might have led!
**********
Now Fred thought he needed a wife
Now Fred thought he needed a wife
As he was far too happy with life
Now Fred thought he needed a wife
As he was far too happy with life
He put an ad in the paper
Now Fred thought he needed a wife
As he was far too happy with life
He put an ad in the paper
And a few weeks later
Now Fred thought he needed a wife
As he was far too happy with life
He put an ad in the paper
And a few weeks later
He knew all about trouble and strife
Fred is now hitched to Joyce
Fred is now hitched to Joyce
After no ad replies it was Hobson's Choice
Fred is now hitched to Joyce
After no ad replies it was Hobson's Choice
She's got some odd ways
Fred is now hitched to Joyce
After no ad replies it was Hobson's Choice
She's got some odd ways
Once her eyes start to blaze
Fred is now hitched to Joyce
After no ad replies it was Hobson's Choice
She's got some odd ways
Once her eyes start to blaze
And quite a strange pitch to her voice
****************
Then Joyce and Fred had a baby son
Then Joyce and Fred had a baby son
Which put an end to their nights of fun
Then Joyce and Fred had a baby son
Which put an end to their nights of fun
The wee lad would holler right through to dawn
Then Joyce and Fred had a baby son
Which put an end to their nights of fun
The wee lad would holler right through to dawn
Always the same since the day he was born
Then Joyce and Fred had a baby son
Which put an end to their nights of fun
The wee lad would holler right through to dawn
Always the same since the day he was born
Fred just wished he'd met up with a nun
Then the lad grew and started to crawl
Then the lad grew and started to crawl
the family cat taight him to brawl
Then the lad grew and started to crawl
the family cat taught him to brawl
It got out of hand
From nursery he was banned
Then the lad grew and started to crawl
the family cat taught him to brawl
It got out of hand
From nursery he was banned
For driving the carers up the wall
Must we continue this sorry tale
We surely know he'll end up in jail
Must we continue this sorry tale
We surely know he'll end up in jail
But with the British judiciary
He may just get a month or two, or three
Must we continue this sorry tale
We surely know he'll end up in jail
But with the British judiciary
He may just get a month or two, or three
But he'll probably be out on bail
Schoolteacher Jane was a bit of a girl
Schoolteacher Jane was a bit of a girl
Giving her rah rah skirt twirl
Schoolteacher Jane was a bit of a girl
Giving her rah rah skirt a twirl
Popular with the older boys
Schoolteacher Jane was a bit of a girl
Giving her rah rah skirt a twirl
Popular with the older boys
Being with her was one of their joys
School teacher Jane was a bit of a girl
Giving her rah rah skirt a twirl
Popular with the older boys
Being with her was one of their joys
Along with the sexy dinner lady Pearl
Mabel hit a bollard while trying to park the car
Mabel hit a bollard while trying to park the car
She was trying to reverse just outside the Spar
Mabel hit a bollard while trying to park the car
She was trying to reverse just outside the Spar
A sign saying REDUCED had caught her eye
Mabel hit a bollard while trying to park the car
She was trying to reverse just outside the Spar
A sign saying REDUCED had caught her eye
Whatever it was, she wanted to buy
Mabel hit a bollard while trying to park the car
She was trying to reverse just outside the Spar
A sign saying REDUCED had caught her eye
Whatever it was, she wanted to buy
Even a pongy candle in a plain glass jar
The council want five hundred quid to repair their sign
The council want five hundred quid to repair their sign
It'll come out of the council tax we we pay, yours and mine
The council want five hundred quid to repair their sign
It'll come out of the council tax we we pay, yours and mine
Mabel denies she was to blame
The council want five hundred quid to repair their sign
It'll come out of the council tax we we pay, yours and mine
Mabel denies she was to blame
But she was spotted, taking aim
The council want five hundred quid to repair their sign
It'll come out of the council tax we pay, yours and mine
Mabel denies she was to blame
But she was spotted, taking aim
She said her glasses were all steamed up so only got a fine
Umar from Nigeria fell for Betty from the Dales
Umar from Nigeria fell for Betty from the Dales
He also fell for Blodwyn when he was touring Wales
Not to mention Penny who he met in sunny Surrey
Umar from Nigeria fell for Betty from the Dales
He also fell for Blodwyn when he was touring Wales
Not to mention Penny who he met in sunny Surrey
Then there was Nita who made a red hot curry
Umar from Nigeria fell for Betty from the Dales
He also fell for Blodwyn when he was touring Wales
Not to mention Penny who he met in sunny Surrey
Then there was Nita who made a red hot curry
He charmed them all with his far fetched tales
Oh dear Betty like Umar is three months gone
So too is Blodwyn who fell or the same old con
Oh dear Betty like Umar is three months gone
So too is Blodwyn who fell for the same old con
Peggy ,in the morning ,is feeling funny in her tummy
And Nita can't bear the smell of her red hot curry
Oh dear Betty like Umar is three months gone
So too is Blodwyn who fell for the same old con
Peggy ,in the morning ,is feeling funny in her tummy
And Nita can't bear the smell of her red hot curry
Who will pay for all of Umar's spawn?
*************
70 year old Maisie met a fellow online
70 year old Maisie met a fellow online
He treated her to fish, chips and wine
70 year old Maisie met a fellow online
He treated her to fish, chips and wine
On Fridays it was Bingo night
70 year old Maisie met a fellow online
He treated her to fish, chips and wine
On Fridays it was Bingo night
And when they met up he got a fright
She'd told him she was thirty nine.
*************
Bert won twice at bingo, full house and a line
Bert won twice at bingo, full house and a line
He invited Doris ..to supper and some wine
Bert won twice at bingo, full house and a line
He invited Doris ..to supper and some wine
They went to Gino's bistro
Bert won twice at bingo, full house and a line
He invited Doris ..to supper and some wine
They went to Gino's bistro
She thought he was her hero
Bert won twice at bingo, full house and a line
He invited Doris.. to supper and some wine
They went to Gino's bistro
She thought he was her hero
Til he asked 'Your place or mine'?
Are you lonesome tonight ?
Are you lonesome tonight ?
Maybe you don't smell quite right.
Are you lonesome tonight ?
Maybe you don't smell quite right
Did you spray the deodorant under your arms
Are you lonesome tonight ?
Maybe you don't smell quite right
Did you spray the deodorant under your arms
Not forgetting your sweaty palms
Are you lonesome tonight ?
Maybe you don't smell quite right
Did you spray the deodorant under your arms
Not forgetting your sweaty palms
Or do you just look a fright?
**********
Kirsty liked to rock and roll
Kirsty liked to rock and roll
It made a change from around a pole
Kirsty liked to rock and roll
It made a change from around a pole
She strutted her stuff 3 times a week
Kirsty liked to rock and roll
It made a change from around a pole
She strutted her stuff 3 times a week
Singing along, more like a shriek
Kirsty liked to rock and roll
It made a change from around a pole
She strutted her stuff 3 times a week
Singing along, more like a shriek
But Kirsty was a simple soul
'Tickets please' Freddie cried
'Tickets please' Freddie cried
A big queue had formed outside
'Tickets please' Freddie cried
A big queue had formed outside
Elvis was appearing tonight
Tickets please' Freddie cried
A big queue had formed outside
Elvis was appearing tonight
Better get 'em in quick before there's a fight
'Tickets please' Freddie cried
A big queue had formed outside
Elvis was appearing tonight
Better get 'em in quick before there's a fight
Not the real Elvis, the posters had lied
March 19, 2024, 05:07:43 PM
Connie missed the last bus home
Connie missed the last bus home
So to a friend's house she did roam
Connie missed the last bus home
So to a friend's house she did roam
They weren't home, she knocked next door
Connie missed the last bus home
So to a friend's house she did roam
They weren't home, she knocked next door
Fast asleep, she could hear them snore
Connie missed the last bus home
So to a friends house she did roam
They weren't home, she knocked the door
Fast asleep, she could hear them snore
So, she started to walk.. all alone
Her stiletto heels made her bunion throb
Her stiletto heels made her bunion throb
Enough to make her want to sob
Her stiletto heels made her bunion throb
Enough to make her want to sob
She tottered along but kept looking back
Nervous that the street was now pitch black
Her stiletto heels made her bunion throb
Enough to make her want to sob
She tottered along but kept looking back
Nervous that the street was now pitch black
And footsteps behind her.. was that of a dog
Babs and George were off on a cruise
Babs and George were off on a cruise
One of those that included free booze
Babs and George were off on a cruise
One of those that included free booze
From early doors they were on the wine
Babs and George were off on a cruise
One of those that included free booze
From early doors they were on the wine
George drinking his from a one litre stein
Babs and George were off on a cruise
One of those that included free booze
From early doors they were on the wine
George drinking his from a one litre stein
By lunchtime all they did was snooze 😴
************
George dyed his hair a fetching shade of red
George dyed his hair a fetching shade of red
Babs chose blue for their trip around the med
George dyed his hair a fetching shade of red
Babs chose blue for their trip around the med
They looked a pair of smarties!
George dyed his hair a fetching shade of red
Babs chose blue for their trip around the med
They looked a pair of smarties!
So were invited to lots of parties
George dyed his hair a fetching shade of red
Babs chose blue for their trip around the med
They looked a pair of smarties!
So were invited to lots of parties
Shining in the dark with the colours on their head
There once was a cashier at Aldi
Who's scanning skills were pretty lively
She says "mind your head!"
As she chucks you your bread
And it lands in the trolley precisely
:grin: :grin: :grin:
There once was a cashier from Waitrose
Who had a habit of looking down her nose
She would wear gloves to scan cheap old spam
And a big smile for Duchy of Cornwall ham
But she lived on an estate and her name was Rose
Now Rose really had a heart of gold 💛
Now Rose really had a heart of gold
She worked in Tesco's branch in Mold
Now Rose really had a heart of gold
She worked in Tesco's branch in Mold
She'd point out the offers on biscuits and booze
Now Rose really had a heart of gold
She worked in Tesco's branch in Mold
She'd point out the offers on biscuits and booze
And always helped pensioners what to choose
Now Rose really had a heart of gold
She worked in Tesco's branch in Mould
She'd point out the offers on biscuits and booze
And always helped pensioners what to choose
And never sold Persil when they had Offers on Bold
Olive was an usherette at the Flea Pit in the town
She worked in Tesco's branch in Mold...... there really is a town called Mold, odd name isn't it ?
Yes, quite weird!
Olive was an usherette at the Flea Pit in the town
With a trayful of ice creams she'd saunter up and down
Olive was an usherette at the Flea Pit in the town
With a trayful of ice creams she'd saunter up and down
The local yobbo tried to pinch her tubs
Olive was an usherette at the Flea Pit in the town
With a trayful of ice creams she'd saunter up and down
The local yobbo tried to pinch her tubs
Olive cracked his knuckles, and made the yobbo blub
Olive was an usherette at the Flea Pit in the town
With a tray full of ice creams she'd saunter up and down
The local yobbo tried to pinch her tubs
Olive cracked his knuckles and made the yobbo blub
Olive brought the big clown down
Sheila had a face pack made of thick gooey slime
She wanted to look pretty, she was going out to dine
Sheila had a face pack made of thick gooey slime
She wanted to look pretty, she was going out to dine
Her hopes were dashed when the damn stuff set rock hard
Sheila had a face pack made of thick gooey slim
She wanted to look pretty, she was going out to dine
Her hopes were dashed when the damned stuff set rock hard
It cracked down the middle and the mask was halved
Sheila had a face pack made of thick gooey slim
She wanted to look pretty, she was going out to dine
Her hopes were dashed when the damned stuff set rock hard
It cracked down the middle and the mask was halved
Sheila just thought 'sod it' and poured herself a wine 🍷
*********
Eric popped into the barbers, first time for a while
Eric popped into the barbers, first time for a while
He asked Joe the barber to give him a new style
Joe being an amenable sort of a chappie
Set to with his scissors to make Eric happy
The result certainly made plenty of folk smile
Eric resolved in future to give Joe's a miss
Eric resolved in future to give Joe's a miss
He was getting embarrassed with everyone taking the piss
Eric resolved in future to give Joe's a miss
He was getting embarrassed with everyone taking the piss
A pensioner of seventy two
With a Mohican of red and blue
Eric resolved in future to give Joe's a miss
He was getting embarrassed with everyone taking the piss
A pensioner of seventy two
With a Mohican of red and blue
That bloody Joe; who'd have expected this?
Eric fumed and formed his plot
Eric fumed and formed his plot
To put that barber on the spot
Eric fumed and formed his plot
To put that barber on the spot
He carried a placard saying 'Look what he's done'
'He's made me the object of fun'
Eric fumed and formed his plot
To put that barber on the spot
He carried a placard saying 'Look what he's done'
'He's made me the object of fun'
Did anyone care? Not a lot.
************
Bernard saved up to buy a new car
Bernard saved up to buy a new car
He thought that Fords were best by far !
Bernard saved up to buy a new car
He thought that Fords were best by far !
He spotted a Focus in a nice bright red,
Only 50,000 miles the salesman said
Bernard saved up to buy a new car
He thought that Fords was best by far!
He spotted a Focus in a nice bright red,
Only 50,000 miles the salesman said
He counted the pound coins in his big savings jar
Billy rode the dodgems at the local fair
Billy rode the dodgems at the local fair
Someone whacked him from behind which nearly made him swear
Billy rode the dodgems at the local fair
Someone whacked him from behind which nearly made him swear
But he swallowed the words after the bump
Billy rode the dodgems at the local fair
Someone whacked him from behind which nearly made him swear
But he swallowed the words after the bump
Even though it gave him the hump
Quote from: klondike on March 25, 2024, 05:41:49 PMBilly rode the dodgems at the local fair
Someone whacked him from behind which nearly made him swear
But he swallowed the words after the bump
Even though it gave him the hump
Billy said 'This was a crap one I do declare' !
Betty hung her white drawers on the washing line
Betty hung her white drawers on the washing line
But they got stolen by some filthy swine
Betty hung her white drawers on the washing line
But they got stolen by some filthy swine
They flew them up a flagpole on top of the Town Hall
Betty hung her white drawers on the washing line
But they got stolen by some filthy swine
They flew them up a flagpole on top of the Town Hall
Even 50 feet away they could hardly be reckoned small
Betty hung her white drawers on the washing line
But they got stolen by some filthy swine
They flew them up a flagpole on top of the Town Hall
Even 50 feet away they could hardly be reckoned small
All that could be heard was Betty shouting " Oi they're mine "
Jenny decided to take a bus ride
Jenny decided to take a bus ride
She wanted to go to Dover to watch the incoming tide
Jenny decided to take a bus ride
She wanted to go to Dover to watch the incoming tide
But she was too late it had been and gone
Jenny decided to take a bus ride
She wanted to go to Dover to watch the incoming tide
But she was too late it had been and gone
Only a dinghy and a bloke calling himself John
Jenny decided to take a bus ride
She wanted to go to Dover to watch the incoming tide
But she was too late it had been and gone
Only a dinghy and a bloke calling himself John
Said he loved her and asked would she be his bride
He converted to Christianity, in church they were wed
He converted to Christianity, in church they were wed
then off on honeymoon the happy pair sped
He converted to Christianity, in church they were wed
then off on honeymoon the happy pair sped
Like a couple of turtle doves
He converted to Christianity, in church they were wed
then off on honeymoon the happy pair sped
Like a couple of turtle doves
She thought he was her one true love
When he got a British passport, off on his toes he fled.
XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX
Our country once great, is going down the pan
Our country once great, is going down the pan
How long, I wonder, till we are led by an honest man
Our country once great, is going down the pan
How long, I wonder, till we are led by an honest man
'Honest man', hmm, what's one of those
Our country once great, is going down the pan
How long, I wonder, till we are led by an honest man
'Honest man', hmm, what's one of those
Or honest woman? Heaven knows
Our country once great, is going down the pan
How long, I wonder, till we are led by an honest man
'Honest man', hmm, what's one of those
Or honest woman? Heaven knows
If anyone can sort it ,Tracey round the Co-op can
Harry saw something shiny on the ground
Quote from: Scrumpy on March 29, 2024, 07:58:21 AMHarry saw something shiny on the ground
Bright and shiny, 'twas a pound
Harry saw something shiny on the ground
Bright and shiny, 'twas a pound
he picked it up with glee
Harry saw something shiny on the ground
Bright and shiny, 'twas a pound
he picked it up with glee
But doing so put out his knee
Quote from: klondike on March 29, 2024, 09:40:55 AMHarry saw something shiny on the ground
Bright and shiny, 'twas a pound
he picked it up with glee
But doing so put out his knee
And fell full length upon the ground
There was once a man from Darjeeling
There was once a man from Darjeeling
who walked upside down on the ceiling
There was once a man from Darjeeling
who walked upside down on the ceiling
But slipped out of his shoes
There was once a man from Darjeeling
who walked upside down on the ceiling
But slipped out of his shoes
And slid out of his trews
There was once a man from Darjeeling
who walked upside down on the ceiling
But slipped out of his shoes
And slid out of his trews
Which left all the onlookers reeling
A strange little man from Penang
A strange little man from Penang
liked to make things go with a bang
A strange little man from Penang
liked to make things go with a bang
His TukTuk was blowing out smoke
A strange little man from Penang
liked to make things go with a bang
His TukTuk was blowing out smoke
and then his back axle broke
A strange little man from Penang
liked to make things go with a bang
His TukTuk was blowing out smoke
and then his back axle broke
With almighty crack and a twang.
**********
A quiet young fellow from Deal
A quiet young fellow from Deal
once asked me out for a meal
A quiet young fellow from Deal
once asked me out for a meal
We went to a pub
Renowned for good grub
A quiet young fellow from Deal
once asked me out for a meal
We went to a pub
Renowned for good grub
and we scoffed the lot with great zeal.
Once upon a warm Summer night
Once upon a warm Summer night
Maggie had a dreadful fright
Once upon a warm Summer night
Maggie had a dreadful fright
she saw something moving
Once upon a warm Summer night
Maggie had a dreadful fright
she saw something moving
Then heard something mooing
A cow stuck in the fence, really tight.
XxxxxxxxxxX
Maurice forgot to change his clocks
Maurice forgot to change his clocks
he also forgot to change his socks,
Maurice forgot to change his clocks
he also forgot to change his socks,
His feet were quite whiffy
Maurice forgot to change his clocks
he also forgot to change his socks,
His feet were quite whiffy
and not very pretty
Maurice forgot to change his clocks
he also forgot to change his socks,
His feet were quite whiffy
and not very pretty
His love life was well on the rocks
**********
There was an old chap who liked to run
Early in the morning, he'd beat the sun
There was an old chap who liked to run
Early in the morning, he'd beat the sun
He decided to tell all this unlikely tale
There was an old chap who liked to run
Early in the morning, he'd beat the sun
He decided to tell all this unlikely tale
over a glass of warm pale ale
There was an old chap who liked to run
Early in the morning, he'd beat the sun
He decided to tell all this unlikely tale
over a glass of warm pale ale
In the pub with his mates when his day was done.
March 31, 2024, 12:57:42 PM
My 4 year old grandson loves limericks, we only do two lines, his favourite is
There was a young boy called Tom
Who slipped and fell on his bum
There was a young boy called Tom
Who slipped and fell on his bum
There was a young boy called Tom
Who slipped and fell on his bum
he cried big wet tears
There was a young boy called Tom
Who slipped and fell on his bum
he cried big wet tears
and ignored all the jeers
There was a young boy called Tom
Who slipped and fell on his bum
he cried big wet tears
and ignored all the jeers
in favour of a cuddle from Mum.
I once fancied a warm onion bhaji
I once fancied a warm onion bhaji
But my tummy was feeling quite dodgy
I once fancied a warm onion bhaji
But my tummy was feeling quite dodgy
so I opted for curry
I once fancied a warm onion bhaji
But my tummy was feeling quite dodgy
so I opted for curry
Perhaps I should worry?
I once fancied a warm onion bhaji
But my tummy was feeling quite dodgy
so I opted for curry
Perhaps I should worry?
It was too hot, and really quite stodgy.
*************
We're on holiday, enjoying the rain
We're on holiday, enjoying the rain
don't think we'll ever be dry again
We're on holiday, enjoying the rain
don't think we'll ever be dry again
The sun peeped out for about an hour
We're on holiday, enjoying the rain
don't think we'll ever be dry again
The sun peeped out for about an hour
but didn't seem to have much power,
We're on holiday, enjoying the rain
don't think we'll ever be dry again
The sun peeped out for about an hour
but didn't seem to have much power
Eagerly watching that weather vane
Was taking a walk on Brighton Pier
Was taking a walk on Brighton Pier
and saw a dolphin swimming near
Was taking a walk on Brighton Pier
and saw a dolphin swimming near
He had a mermaid riding on his back
Was taking a walk on Brighton Pier
and saw a dolphin swimming near
He had a mermaid riding on his back
Pretty tricky - requires a knack
Was taking a walk on Brighton Pier
and saw a dolphin swimming near
He had a mermaid riding on his back
Pretty tricky - requires a knack
Everyone clapped and gave a big cheer!
*************
Lizzie went out to lunch with Pete
Lizzie went out to lunch with Pete
only £6 for all they could eat
Lizzie went out to lunch with Pete
only £6 for all they could eat
Lizzie felt bloated and Pete was sick
Lizzie went out for lunch with Pete
only £6 for all they could eat
Lizzie felt bloated and Pete was sick
But Alka Seltzer did the trick
Lizzie went out for lunch with Pete
only £6 for all they could eat
Lizzie felt bloated and Pete was sick
But Alka Seltzer did the trick
and both of them went home replete
I am owned by a long tailed Tabby Twit
I am owned by a long tailed Tabby Twit
She's the boss, telling me where I can sit
I am owned by a long tailed Tabby Twit
She's the boss, telling me where I can sit
As soon as I do she's on my lap
I am owned by a long tailed Tabby Twit
She's the boss, telling me where I can sit
As soon as I do she's on my lap
Her favourite speck for taking a nap
I am owned by a long tailed Tabby Twit
She's the boss, telling me where I can sit
As soon as I do she's on my lap
Her favourite speck for taking a nap
I love being 'owned'I must admit !
Betty the barmaid was about to call time
Betty the barmaid was about to call time
When a stranger walked in .. asked for vodka and lime
He was tall and handsome.. Wore a stetson hat
Betty the barmaid was about to call time
When a stranger walked in .. asked for vodka and lime
He was tall and handsome.. Wore a stetson hat
But in the middle of Carlisle he looked a total prat
Betty the barmaid was about to call time
When a stranger walked in.. asked for vodka and lime
He was tall and handsome..Wore a Stetson hat
But in the middle of Carlisle he looked a total prat
But not in Carlisle Pennsylvania where he looked fine.
Betty the barmaid was about to call time
When a stranger walked in.. asked for vodka and lime
He was tall and handsome..Wore a Stetson hat
But in the middle of Carlisle he looked a total prat
But not in Carlisle Pennsylvania where he looked fine.
He'd left his horse in Newcastle under Lyme
Richard was proud of the shiny new hearse
Richard was proud of the shiny new hearse
Though he wasn't an undertaker, he was a nurse
Richard was proud of his shiny new hearse
Though he wasn't an undertaker, he was a nurse
It had plenty of room to lay down in the back
Richard was proud of his shiny new hearse
Though he wasn't an undertaker, he was a nurse
It had plenty of room to lay down in the back
Best of all it wasn't boring black
Richard was proud of his shiny new hearse
Though he wasn't an undertaker, he was a nurse
It had plenty of room to lay down in the back
Best of all it wasn't boring black
It was bright shocking pink, which really looked worse.
**************
Every week Pete went to watch his team
Every week Pete went to watch his team
When it came to tiddlewinks they were the cream
Every week Pete went to watch his team
When it came to tiddlewinks they were the cream
They played in pub leagues, they liked to win
Every week Pete went to watch his team
When it came to tiddlewinks they were the cream
They played in pub leagues, they liked to win
The captain would flip putting on sideways spin
Every week Pete went to watch his team
When it came to tiddlewinks they were the cream
They played in pub leagues, they liked to win
The captain would flip putting on sideways spin
For 5year old's they were keen and mean
Mori worked the market down at Golders Green
Mori worked the market down at Golders Green
Some days he'd make a fortune, others not a bean
Mori worked the market down at Golders Green
Some days he'd make a fortune, others not a bean
The rozzers had him in their sights
But couldn't catch him, try as they might
Mori worked the market down at Golders Green
Some days he'd make a fortune, others not a bean
The rozzers had him in their sights
But couldn't catch him, try as they might
He would leave them standing when he channelled Barry Sheen
******************
He sold towels and plates and pots and pans
He sold towels and plates and pots and pans
Which he brought along in one of his vans
He sold towels and plates and pots and pans
Which he brought along in one of his vans
He sold things for the weekend and stuff for the week
He sold towels and plates and pots and pans
Which he brought along in one of his vans
He sold things for the weekend and stuff for the week
Things for the slobs and things for the chic
He sold towels and plates and pots and pans
Which he brought along in one of his vans
He sold things for the weekend and stuff for the week
Things for the slobs and things for the chic
Bought on the QT from 'some man'.
**************
Joe went camping in the Peaks last week
Joe went camping in the Peaks last week
When the tent blew away he cried out EEEEK!
Joe went camping in the Peaks last week
When the tent blew away he cried out EEEEK!
He found a cave, bedded down for the night
Joe went camping in the Peaks last week
When the tent blew away he cried out EEEEK!
He found a cave, bedded down for the night
Scuttling sounds gave him such a fright
Joe went camping in the Peaks last week
When the tent blew away he cried out EEEEK!
He found a cave, bedded down for the night
Scuttling sounds gave him such a fright
Whatever it was it made him shreak
Come morning Joe went looking for a B&B
Come morning Joe went looking for a B&B
He needed one desperately.. he needed to pee
He saw a red light shining over the way
He hoped it was somewhere that he could stay
Come morning Joe went looking for a B&B
He needed one desperately.. he needed to pee
He saw a red light shining over the way
He hoped it was somewhere that he could stay
So he asked if they had a room free
He entered his room and got quite a shock
He entered his room and got quite a shock
Sprawled on the bed was a man in a frock
He entered his room and got quite a shock
Sprawled on the bed was a man in a frock
Joe asked the man 'why are you here?'
He said 'I'm waiting for someone like you my dear'
He entered the room and got quite a shock
Sprawled on the bed was a man in a frock
He's asked the man 'why are you here?'
He said 'I'm waiting for someone like you my dear'
Joe came over all queer.. and the door he did lock
April 11, 2024, 05:48:37 PM
Molly had injections to fatten up her lips
Molly had injections to fatten up her lips
For many days afterwards she couldn't eat her chips
Molly had injections to fatten up her lips
For many days afterwards she couldn't eat her chips
But that was the least of Molly's woes
A top lip so puffy it blocked her nose
Molly had injections to fatten up her lips
For many days afterwards she couldn't eat her chips
But that was the least of Molly's woes
A top lip so puffy it blocked up her nose
At least she hasn't resorted to piercings in her nips
I was thinking about a haircut just the other day
I was thinking about a haircut the other day
The comb over has grown too long, it's really in the way
I was thinking about a haircut the other day
The comb over has grown too long, it's really in the way
When the wind blows
It lashes my nose
I was thinking about a haircut the other day
The comb over has grown too long, it's really in the way
I might plait the top, and colour it red
If that doesn't work I'll go bald instead
Why are some of you writing two lines ? asking for a friend......
Why are some of you writing two lines ? asking for a friend......
Can you folks please let others choose an end
Why should you get to steer
Perhaps it could be insufficient beer
These things should really be a blend.
Why did Scrumptious ignore my lines?
Why did Scrumptious ignore his lines?
She may not have seen them at the time
Then no one finished that limerick
Why did Scrumptious ignore his lines?
She may not have seen them at the time
Then no one finished that limerick
To keep this going needs another line quick
Why did Scrumptious ignore his lines?
She may not have seen them at the time
Then no one finished that limerick
To keep this going needs another line quick
And here it is, and thank god it rhymes!
*************
Writing limericks is good for the brain
Writing limericks is good for the brain
I'll try not to write two lines again
Writing limericks is good for the brain
I'll try not to write two lines again
I tried so hard I really did
There should be a penalty - at least a quid
Writing limericks is good for the brain
I'll try not to write two lines again
I tried so hard I really did
There should be a penalty- at least a quid
Klondike- you are barred from the game
I was only wondering should I join in
Or would that be a venial sin ?
I was only wondering should I join in
Or would that be a venial sin ?
Go for it Alex- write two lines at a time
I'm at your back. You will be fine
I was only wondering should I join in
Or would that be a venial sin ?
Go for it Alex- write two lines at a time
I'm at your back. You will be fine
OK I'll take the flack on the chin !
Vince was polishing the hearse's brass knobs
Vince was polishing the hearse's brass knobs
I thought Hearse's read Horse's, it didn't, thank God
Vince was polishing the hearse's brass knobs
I thought Hearse's read Horses, it didn't, thank God
The knobs were gleaming and shining bright
Vince was polishing the hearse's brass knobs
I thought Hearse's read Horses, it didn't, thank God
The knobs were gleaming and shining bright
Catching the light on a dismal night
For all his effort, Vince only got ten bob.
***************
Vince was happy working with the dead
Vince was happy working with the dead
Although night shifts he really did dread.
Vince was happy working with the dead
Although some night shifts he really did dread
He thought he heard singing- A Tom Jones song
Vince was happy working with the dead
Although some night shifts he really did dread
He thought he heard singing- A Tom Jones song
But 'That's not unusual' in a shift 12 hours long
Vince was happy working with the dead
Although some night shifts he really did dread
He thought he heard singing- A Tom Jones song
But 'That's not unusual' in a shift 12 hours long
But it was 'I'm too Sexy' by Right Said Fred,
*********************
Jed was a baker working through the night
Jed was a baker working through the night
Hoping his Cob would rise just right
Jed was a baker working through the night
Hoping his Cob would rise just right
But this time it sank
Jed was a baker working through the night
Hoping his Cob would rise just right
But this time it sank
And it tasted quite rank
Jed was a baker working through the night
Hoping his Cob would rise just right
But this time it sank
And it tasted quite rank
He'd had enough after just one bite !
Allotment Albert was so proud of his spuds
Allotment Albert was so proud of his spuds
He had a great crop, none of them duds
Allotment Albert was so proud of his spuds
He had a great crop, none of them duds
Baked mashed or roast 🥔 🥔
Allotment Albert was so proud of his spuds
He had a great crop, none of them duds
Baked mashed or roast 🥔 🥔
He loved to boast
Allotment Albert was so proud of his spuds
He had a great crop, none of them duds
Baked mashed or roast 🥔 🥔
He loved to boast
He could tickle anyone's taste buds
Shirley is a dab hand with the Tarot cards
Shirley is a dab hand with the tarot cards
She'll tell you if you'll find love.. or if you'll find life hard
Shirley is a dab hand with the tarot cards
She'll tell you if you'll find love.. or if you'll find life hard
She doesn't charge a lot of dosh
Shirley is a dab hand with the tarot cards
She'll tell you if you'll find love.. or if you'll find life hard
She doesn't charge a lot of dosh
And often talks a load of tosh
Shirley is a dab hand with the tarot cards
She'll tell you if you'll find love.. or if you'll find life hard
She doesn't charge a lot of dosh
And often talks a load of tosh
If she reads yours, be on your guard.
**************
Her sister was a fortune teller in a caravan
Her sister was a fortune teller in a caravan
She'd look into her crystal ball- and say she saw your man
Her sister was a fortune teller in a caravan
She'd look into her crystal ball- and say she saw your man
She charged two bob a go
Her sister was a fortune teller in a caravan
She'd look into her crystal ball- and say she saw your man
She charged two bob a go
Business was never slow
Her sister was a fortune teller in a caravan
She'd look into her crystal ball- and say she saw your man
She'd charge two bob a go
Business was never slow
Get their early- if you can
Bobby had a big pothole outside of his front door
He hadn't seen his MIL for over a week- or more
Bobby had a big pothole outside of his front door
He hadn't seen his MIL for over a week- or more
Had she fallen in?
Bobby had a big pothole outside of his front door
He hadn't seen his MIL for over a week - or more
Had she fallen in ?
She was always on the gin
Bobby had a big pothole outside of his front door
He hadn't seen his MIL for over a week - or more
Had she fallen in ?
She was always on the gin
Or was she still hungover, with a head that's really sore?
***************
Bobby called the council, to get the hole repaired
Bobby called the council, to get the hole repaired
His MIL sadly was visually impaired :1040:
Bobby called the council, to get the hole repaired
His MIL sadly was visually impaired :1040:
They said that they would be there in 2028
Bobby called the council, to get the hole repaired
His MIL sadly was visually impaired :1040:
They said that they would be there in 2028
But Bobby then decided he wasn't going to wait
Bobby called the council to get the hole repaired
His MIL sadly was visually impaired :1040:
They said that they would be there in 2028
But Bobby then decided he wasn't going to wait
He dare not- of his wife he was scared
'Tickets please' the conductor cried
'Tickets please' the conductor cried
'Move down the bus, there's room inside'
Tickets please' the conductor cried
'Move down the bus, there's room inside'
Mary shuffled her way to the front
'Tickets please ' the conductor cried
' move down the bus, there's room inside'
Mary shuffled her way to the front
A window seat she did hunt
'Tickets please ' the conductor cried
' move down the bus, there's room inside'
Mary shuffled her way to the front
A window seat she did hunt
But the priority seats were occupied
************
The young passengers were busy looking at their phones
They didn't notice Mary, an old lady, skin and bone
The young passengers were busy looking at their phones
They didn't notice Mary, an old lady, skin and bone
Some tutted when she knocked them as the bus went over a bump
And others on the bus soon showed they had the hump
Except a little boy who's name was Billy Jones
Maggie threw a party.. she was all of fifty four
Maggie threw a party.. she was all of fifty four
She drank and danced til midnight, then fell down on the floor
Maggie threw a party ... she was all of fifty four
She drank and danced til midnight, then fell down on the floor
She took out Jim, Peggy and Tom as she fell down with a plop
Maggie threw a party ... she was all of fifty four
She drank and danced til midnight, then fell down on the floor
She took out Jim, Peggy and Tom as she fell down with a plop
But Basil picked her up again and they continued to bop !
Maggie threw a party ... she was all of fifty four
She drank and danced til midnight, then fell down on the floor
She took out Jim, Peggy and Tom as she fell down with a plop
But Basil picked her up again and they continued to bop !
She could hardly move next day, her head and bum were too sore!
********************
She went on the wagon, but fell off pretty quick
She went on the wagon, but fell off pretty quick
When she did a pub round with a bloke called slimy Mick
She went on the wagon, but fell off pretty quick
When she did a pub round with a bloke called slimy Mick
She got legless pretty quick
She went on the wagon, but fell off pretty quick
When she did a pub round with a bloke called slimy Mick
She got pretty legless quick
On the pub crawl with naughty Mick :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:
Your turn GrannyMac.. keep it going..
:grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:
Can't believe I did that! 🙄
She went on the wagon, but fell off pretty quick
When she did a pub round with a bloke called slimy Mick
She got legless pretty quick
On the pub crawl with naughty Mick
And people stopped and stared when she did her party trick!
****************
Maggie did the splits, whilst stand on her head
Maggie did the splits , whilst standing on her head
Ethel also tried it but nearly broke a leg
Maggie did the splits , whilst standing on her head.
Ethel also tried it but nearly broke a leg
Mick was watching goggled eyed
As Maggie's skirt was on the slide
Luckily the bus came and they all went home to bed!
*************
The pub was packed on Saturday night
The pub was packed on Saturday night
Ethel and Maggie pole dancing, what a sight
The pole was greased with thick beef dripping
The pub was packed on Saturday night
Ethel and Maggie pole dancing, what a sight
The pole was greased with thick beef dripping
It stank something horrid, and the pair kept slipping
The pub was packed on Saturday night
Ethel and Maggie pole dancing, what a sight
The pole was greased with thick beef dripping
It stank something horrid, and the pair kept slipping
Their green wooly drawers gave everyone a fright !
Reverend Brown was new to the church
Reverend Brown was new to the church
At the top of the aisle he stood on his perch
Reverend Brown was new to the church
At the top of the aisle he stood on his perch
He said, "Let us pray!" 🙏
Reverent Brown was new to the church
At the top of the aisle he stood on his perch
He said 'Let us pray'
'We'll win the Lottery today'
Reverent Brown was new to the church
At the top of the aisle he stood on his perch
He said 'Let us pray'
'We'll win the Lottery today'
Then I'll leave the church in the lurch.
*****************
Down at the Co-op, there are bargains galore
Down at the Co-op, there are bargains galore
Including only £2 for a giant Lenor
Down at the Co-op, there are bargains galore
Including only £2 for a giant Lenor
You'll smell like a dream!
Down at the Co-op, there are bargains galore
Including only £2 for a giant Lenor
You'll smell like a dream!
So fresh and so clean
Down at the Co-op, there are bargains galore
Including only £2 for a giant Lenor
You'll smell like a dream!
So fresh and so clean
BOGOFs available in store.
Jane thought her hubby was playing away
Jane thought her hubby was playing away
If she found out for sure there would be hell to pay
Jane thought her hubby was playing away
If she found out for sure there would be hell to pay
He stunk of Impulse.. she used just soap
Jane thought her hubby was playing away
If she found out for sure there would be hell to pay
He stunk of Impulse.. she used just soap
B&M's best, the smell made her croak
Jane thought her hubby was playing away
If she found out for sure there would be hell to pay
He stank of Impulse.. she used just soap
H&M's best, the smell made her croak
She thought it was Sally.. the village lay
Albert's marrow was the best in show
Albert's marrow was the best in show
How it grew so big, he really didn't know
Alberts marrow was the best in show
How it grew so big, he really didn't know
He'd hugged it and stroked it and fed it well
Alberts marrow was the best in show
How it grew so big, he really didn't know
He'd hugged it and stroked it and fed it well
Lots of TLC really made it swell
Albert's marrow was the best in show
How it grew so big, he really didn't know
He'd hugged it and stroked it and fed it well
Lots of TLC really made it swell
For his prize he won a big pink bow
Betty flashed her new teeth at the social club
Betty flashed her new teeth at the social club
She'd already shown them off in the local pub
Betty flashed her new teeth at the social club
She'd already shown them off in her local pub
She leant them to Mabel ,who had a red hot date
Betty flashed her new teeth at the social club
She'd already shown them off in the local pub
She lent them to Mabel, who had a red hot date
But they didn't sit very well with Mabel's bottom plate
Betty flashed her new teeth at the social club
She'd already shown them off in the local pub
She lent them to Mabel, who had a red hot date
But they didn't sit very well with Mabel's bottom plate
She could hardly speak because they were too big and they rubbed.
****************
Wilfrid bought a toupee, it was coarse and really cheap
Wilfrid bought a toupee, it was coarse and really cheap
It was most uncomfortable and his head would overheat
Wilfrid bought a toupee, it was coarse and really cheap
It was most uncomfortable and his head would overheat
He went out wearing it one really windy day
Wilfrid bought a toupee, it was coarse and really cheap
It was most uncomfortable and his head would overheat
He went out wearing it one really windy day
A strong gust caught him and the syrup blew away
Wilfred bought a toupee, It was coarse and really cheap
It was most uncomfortable and his head would overheat
He went out wearing it one windy day
A strong gust caught him and the syrup blew away
It is now laying on the head of Florrie the sheep
Dickie was excited he was off to sunny Spain
Dickie was excited he was off to sunny Spain
He packed his budgie smugglers, and a mac in case of rain
Dickie was excited he was off to sunny Spain
He packed his budgie smugglers, and a mac in case of rain
He also packed his Brut and a tin of good old Spam
Scrumpy
Dickie was excited he was off to sunny Spain
He packed his budgie smugglers, and a mac in case of rain
He also packed his Brut and a tin of good old Spam
Airport taxi time and Dickie was off to Birmingham
Dickie was excited he was off to sunny Spain
He packed his budgie smugglers, and a mac in case of rain
He also packed his Brut and a tin of good old Spam
Airport taxi time and Dickie was off to Birmingham
Didn't he go to Spain then! Oh! what a bloody shame
A seagull stole Bert's chips as he stood on Morecambe Bay
A seagull stole Bert's chips as he stood on Morecambe Bay
With bag firmly gripped in beak the buggar flew away
A seagull stole Bert's chips as he stood on Morecambe Bay
With bag firmly gripped in beak the buggar flew away
Bert stood paralysed, hand hovering in mid air
A seagull stole Bert's chips as he stood on Morecambe Bay
With bag firmly gripped in beak the buggar flew away
Bert stood paralysed, hand hovering in mid air
Then a good Samaritan offered up her chair
A seagull stole Bert's chips as he stood on Morecambe Bay
With bag firmly gripped in beak the buggar flew away
Bert stood paralysed , hand hovering in mid air
Then a good Samaritan offered up her chair
Where Bert and the lady snuggled down for the day
Alahu akhbar shouted Abdul as he took his council seat
Allahu akbar shouted Abdul as he took his council seat
He knew he was guaranteed that Virgins he would meet
Allahu akbar shouted Abdul as he took his council seat
He knew he was guaranteed that Virgins he would meet
The canteen sold halal pasties as a special treat
Allahu akbar shouted Abdul as he took his council seat
He knew he was guaranteed that Virgins he would meet
The canteen sold halal pasties as a special treat
And they all prayed towards Mecca 50 times a week
Mabel dyed her hair, the brightest, brightest red
She had her eyes firmly fixed on Ted
Her toenails were painted a dazzling blue
And they were on show through her peek toe shoes
There was a sad sister from Bude