The format to writing a limerick:
Five lines.
1,2 & 5 rhyme
3 & 4 rhyme
There was an old woman from Crewe
Quote from: GrannyMac on March 18, 2023, 06:20:51 AMThe format to writing a limerick:
There was an old woman from Crewe
who dined out on buck rabbit stew
She thought it was funny
To eat some poor bunny
There was an old woman from Crewe
Who dined out on buck rabbit stew
She thought it was funny
To eat some poor bunny
Then next time, she tried kangaroo.
**********
GREAT!
March 18, 2023, 04:43:28 PM
who, and how, do we start another one?
Someone else have a go...
Sorry, Just not my thing. [2010]
There was a young man from Glamorgan
There was a young man from Glamorgan
On Sundays he played the church organ
There was a young man from Glamorgan
On Sundays he played the church organ
For the rest of the week
There was a young man from Glamorgan
On Sundays he played the church organ
For the rest of the week
He sold carrots and leeks
tull it was time to play the organ
Bertha and Fed got married today
Bertha and Fred got married today
While their kids went out to play
Bertha and Fred got married today
While their kids went out to play
She was dressed all in white
Bertha and Fred got married today
While their kids went out to play
She was dressed all in white
And got quite tight
Bertha and Fred got married today
While their kids went out to play
She was dressed all in white
And got quite tight
So, another kid is on the way
Crabby was lounging in Goa
Wearing only a pink feather boa (sorry it's two but I couldn't resist)
Crabby was lounging in Goa
Wearing only a pink feather boa
when asked why this was
Crabby was lounging in Goa
Wearing only a pink feather boa
When asked why this was
He said, after a pause..
Crabby was lounging in Goa
Wearing only a pink feather boa
When asked why this was
He said, after a pause...
' To surprise Scrumpy on face to face blower'
They played snakes and ladders
They played snakes and ladders
And fought with pigs bladders
They played snakes and ladders
And fought with pigs bladders
And if one should burst
They played snakes and ladders
And fought with pigs bladders
And if one should burst
They felt they'd been cursed
They played snakes and ladders
And fought with pigs bladders
And if one should burst
They felt they'd been cursed
And felt they'd been bitten by adders
The bin men did the rounds today
The bin men did the rounds today
Taking all that junk away
The bin men did the rounds today
Taking all that junk away
inside their smelly van
The bin men did the rounds today
Taking all that junk away
inside their smelly van
Driven by a pongy man
The bin men did the rounds today
Taking all that junk away
inside their smelly van
Driven by a pongy man
Whose wife kept him at bay
Come on Micheal.. Write the first line..
Oh, OK
There was a young lady from Dundee
There was a young lady from Dundee
She looked a real cracker to me
There was a young woman from Dundee
She looked a real cracker to me
She looked into meh ehs
And said y'ken I love pehs
Or a bridie'll dae, wi a wee cuppie tea.
(Meh/my/ehs/eyes, pehs/pies; ken/know, dae/do. All in best Dundonese!)
Apologies, I just had to finish it.
you are forgiven - your turn
A seagull nicked one of Bertie's chips
A seagull nicked one of Bertie's chips
It dive bombed and almost pecked his lips
A seagull nicked one of Bertie's chips
It dive bombed and almost pecked his lips
Poor Bertie yelled and shook his fist
A seagull nicked one of Bertie's chips
It dive bombed and almost pecked his lips
Poor Bertie yelled and shook his fist
'I'll get you yet, you scum' he hissed
A seagull nicked one of Bertie's chips
It dive bombed and almost pecked his lips
Poor Bertie yelled and shook his fist
'I'll get you yet, you scum' he hissed
You're number one on my hit list!
********
An old girl from Ryl, name of Lil
An old girl from Ryl, name of Lil
Was too puffed to climb up the hill
An old girl from Ryl, name of Lil
Was too puffed to climb up the hill
So hitched a ride on a passing cart
An old girl from Ryl, name of Lil
Was too puffed to climb up the hill
So hitched a ride on a passing cart
The horse dropped dead.. with a strained heart.
An old girl from Ryl, name of Lil
Was too puffed to climb up the hill
So hitched a ride on a passing cart
The horse dropped dead with a strained heart (not the thyme I was hoping for)
So the carter gave her the bill.
There was an old gent from Kentucky
There was an old gent from Kentucky
Whose in-laws thought him too lucky
There was an old gent from Kentucky
Whose in-laws thought him too lucky
After wedding their lass
There was an old gent from Kentucky
Whose in-laws thought him too lucky
After wedding their lass
Went to live in Kansas
There was an old gent from Kentucky
Whose in-laws thought him too lucky
After wedding their lass
Went to live in Kansas
Which some considered quite plucky
Brian's dad gave him a mountain bike
Brian's dad gave him a mountain bike
In a bright shade of red, which he really liked
Brian's dad gave him a mountain bike
In a bright shade of red, which he really liked
He pedalled like hell
Brian's dad gave him a mountain bike
In a bright shade of red, which he really liked
He pedalled like hell
When into a pothole he fell
Brian's dad gave him a mountain bike
In a bright shade of red, which he really liked
He pedalled like hell
When into a pothole he fell
And never more went more a-biked
There was a small doggie called Fluff
There was a small doggie called Fluff
Whose dinner was never enough
There was a small doggie called Fluff
Whose dinner was never enough
He asked why it was
There was a small doggie called Fluff
Whose dinner was never enough
He asked why it was
And was told "just because"
There was a small doggie called Fluff
Whose dinner was never enough
He asked why it was
And was told "just because"
So Fluff pinched the cat's, wuff wuff!
**********
A generous chap from North Wales
A generous chap from North Wales
Was a noted recounter of tales
A generous chap from North Wales
Was a noted recounter of tales
"You'll never believe" was their usual start
A generous chap from North Wales
Was a noted recounted of tales
'You'll never believe ' was their usual start
''I'll tell you this with hand on heart'
A generous chap from North Wales
Was a noted recounted of tales
'You'll never believe ' was their usual start
''I'll tell you this with hand on heart'
Compared to it, all else pales
An elderly doctor from Kent
An elderly doctor from Kent
Straightened the leg of a man that was bent
An elderly doctor from Kent
Straightened the leg of a man that was bent
Again he could walk
An elderly doctor from Kent
Straightened the leg of a man that was bent
Again he could walk
And venture out for a walk
An elderly doctor from Kent
Straightened the leg of a man that was bent
Again he could walk
And venture out for a walk
To buy a nice leg of pork
There once was a fellow from Poole
There once was a fellow from Poole
Who purchased a bright shiny jewel
There once was a fellow from Poole
Who purchased a bright shiny jewel
It was for his wife
There once was a fellow from Poole
Who purchased a bright shiny jewel
It was for his wife
The love of his life
There once was a fellow from Poole
Who purchased a bright shiny jewel
It was for his wife
The love of his life
But gave it to Peggy who was 'cool'
:upvote: :upvote: :upvote:
your turn!
The vicar was wearing a frock
The vicar was wearing a frock
While exploring a Liverpool dock
The vicar was wearing a frock
While exploring Liverpool docks
He came across Bert wearing tights
The vicar was wearing a frock
While exploring Liverpool docks
He came across Bert wearing tights
one of the less likely sights
The vicar was wearing a frock
While exploring Liverpool docks
He came across Bert wearing tights
one of the less likely sights
And his friend with his head in a box.
***********
Some people like watching TV
Some people like watching TV
then boiling the kettle for tea
Some people like watching TV
then boiling the kettle for tea
With toast and some jam
Some people like watching TV
then boiling the kettle for tea
With toast and some jam
and a thin slice of ham
Some people like watching TV
then boiling the kettle for tea
With toast and some jam
and a thin slice of ham
And later, a nice G & T.
********
The forecast promises sun today
The forecast promises sun today
Just the same as yesterday
The forecast promises sun today
Just the same as yesterday
so walk with your brollie
The forecast promises sun today ☀️
Just the same as yesterday 🌦
so walk with your brollie ☂️
To forget it is folly ☔️
The forecast promises sun today ☀️
Just the same as yesterday 🌦
so walk with your brollie ☂️
To forget it is folly ☔️
While the forecaster chuckles away
Jim sat inside the omnibus
Jim sat inside the omnibus
Sitting sideways to ease his truss
Jim sat inside the omnibus
Sitting sideways to ease his truss
The bus hurtled over a huge speed bump
Jim sat inside the omnibus
Sitting sideways to ease his truss
The bus hurtled over a huge speed bump
Jim went 'ouch' and felt a lump
Jim sat inside the omnibus
Sitting sideways to ease his truss
The bus hurtled over a huge speed bump
Jim went 'ouch' and felt a lump
which made him swear and cuss
There once was a fellow from Dover
There once was a fellow from Dover
On the dance floor he was a great mover
There once was a fellow from Dover
On the dance floor he was a great mover
but his partner in life
There once was a fellow from Dover
On the dance floor he was a great mover
but his partner in life
His long suffering wife
There once was a fellow from Dover
On the dance floor he was a great mover
but his partner in life
His long suffering wife
Preferred walking their dog called Rover
A foolish young fellow from Fife
A foolish young fellow from Fife
Lead a surpisingly adventurous life
A foolish young fellow from Fife
Lead a surprisingly adventurous life
When wearing his kilt in a gale
A foolish young fellow from Fife
Lead a surprisingly adventurous life
When wearing his kilt in a gale
He gave an almighty wail
A foolish young fellow from Fife
Lead a surprisingly adventurous life
When wearing his kilt in a gale
He gave an almighty wail
Exclaiming my chilblains are rife!
A timid old maid from New York
A timid old maid from New York
Asked a butcher to show her his pork
A timid old maid from New York
Asked a butcher to show her his pork
He produced a chump chop
A timid old maid from New York
Asked a butcher to show her his pork
He produced a chump chop
It made her eyes POP 🫣
A timid old maid from New York
Asked a butcher to show her his pork
He produced a chump chop
It made her eyes POP 🫣
And even affected her walk
A young farmer from Abergavenny
A young farmer from Abergavenny
Fell in love with a milk maid called Jenny
A young farmer from Abergavenny
Fell in love with a milk maid called Jenny
His fast beating heart
A young farmer from Abergavenny
Fell in love with a milk maid called Jenny
His fast beating heart
Of romance was the start
A young farmer from Abergavenny
Fell in love with a milk maid called Jenny
His fast beating heart
Of romance was the start
But he was just one of so many 😢
*************
Its time to start gardening again
Its time to start gardening again
Even though digging's a pain
Its time to start gardening again
Even though digging's a pain
Take care of your knees
Its time to start gardening again
Even though digging's a pain
Take care of your knee
Don't let them freeze
Its time to start gardening again
Even though digging's a pain
Take care of your knees
Don't let them freeze
Should you get caught in the rain
Eddie Izzard paraded in his frock
Eddie Izzard paraded in a frock
He/she calls himself Suzy.. just to shock
Eddie Izzard parades in his frock
He/she calls himself Suzy.. just to shock
Then daubs on more lippy
Eddie Izzard parades in his frock
He/she calls himself Suzy.. just to shock
Then daubs on more lippy
And thinks they look pretty
Eddie Izzard parades in his frock
He/she calls himself Suzy.. just to shock
Then daubs on more lippy
And thinks they look pretty
While others just titter and mock
The Bishop thinks he is so fine
The Bishop thinks he is so fine
But he's out of touch, out of time
The Bishop thinks he is so fine
But he's out of touch, out of time
Sitting in the House of Lords
The Bishop thinks he is so fine
But he's out of touch, out of time
Sitting in the House of Lords
strumming his guitar chords
The Bishop thinks he is so fine
But he's out of touch, out of time
Sitting in the House of Lords
strumming his guitar chords
For real life he'll never pine.
*******
A Labour MP name of Kier
A Labour MP name of Kier
Met up with some mates for a beer
A Labour MP name of Kier
Met up with some mates for a beer
As he quaffed it down
A Labour MP name of Kier
Met up with some mates for a beer
As he quaffed it down
All his mates went to town
A Labour MP name of Kier
Met up with some mates for a beer
As he quaffed it down
All his mates went to town
To partake of a little more cheer
An ex-president name of Trump
An ex-president name of Trump
Was told he was for the high jump
An ex-president name of Trump
In court looked a right old grump
An ex-president name of Trump
In court looked a right old grump
When told he must plead
An ex-president name of Trump
In court looked a right old grump
When told he must plead
He paid them no heed
An ex president name of Trump
In court looked a right old grump
When told he must plead
He paid them no head
But paid Stormy Daniels a big lump
April 05, 2023, 11:51:48 AM
I lost the key to open the Spam
I lost the key to open the Spam
Lord be praised cried my old man
I lost the key to open the Spam
Lord be praised cried my old man
I tried to use a knife
(Oi klondike, was my line not good enough for you in the Trump limerick?)
I lost the key to open the Spam
Lord be praised cried my old man
I tried to use a knife
But I'm a clumsy old wife
Quote from: GrannyMac on April 05, 2023, 12:47:40 PM(Oi klondike, was my line not good enough for you in the Trump limerick?)
Sorry I must have been on the wrong page. Thats the trouble with using the new button and not exercising due diligence.
I lost the key to open the Spam
Lord be praised cried my old man
I tried to use a knife
But I'm a clumsy old wife
So we'll be having bread and jam
Another starter now he cried
Another starter now he cried
When many tins of soup he spied
Another starter now he cried
When many tins of soup he spied
Some were large and some were small
Another starter now he cried
When many tins of soup he spied
Some were large and some were small
and some weren't there at all
Another starter now he cried
When many tins of soup he spied
Some were large and some were small
and some weren't there at all
He stared so hard he went boss eyed. 🤪
************
A man who ate little but bread
start line, granny?
I was editing Mike, its there now 👍🏽
A man who ate little but bread
Was warned he'd soon be dead
Quote from: GrannyMac on April 06, 2023, 07:11:56 AMI was editing Mike, its there now 👍🏽
:upvote: :upvote: :upvote:
April 06, 2023, 09:11:34 AMA man who ate little but bread
Was warned he'd soon be dead
He said 'I should care'
A man who ate little but bread
Was warned he'd soon be dead
He said' I should care'
Full of yeast he rose up in the air
A man who ate little but bread
Was warned he'd soon be dead
He said' I should care'
Full of yeast he rose up in the air
And on the ceiling banged his head
A desperate man from Dundee
A desperate man from Dundee
Cried loudly "Oh woh is me"
A desperate man from Dundee
Cried loudly "Oh woh is me"
"The wind is so chilly" :evil:
A desperate man from Dundee
Cried loudly "Oh woh is me"
"The wind is so chilly"
"Wearing no coat is plain silly"
A desperate man from Dundee
Cried loudly "Oh woh is me"
"The wind is so chilly"
"Wearing no coat is plain silly"
'You might as well swim in the sea'
A foolish young fellow from Harrow
A foolish young fellow from Harrow
Tried to grow a forty pound marrow
A foolish young fellow from Harrow
Tried to grow a forty pound marrow
It started off as a pip
A foolish young fellow from Harrow
Tried to grow a forty pound marrow
It started off as a pip
And ended up in a skip
A foolish young fellow from Harrow
Tried to grow a forty pound marrow
It started off as a pip
And ended up in a skip
For it grew far too skinny and narrow
Norman crashed his car last night
Norman crashed his car last night
By turning left instead of right
Norman crashed his car last night
By turning left instead of right
He clipped poor Brian's new shiny mini
Norman crashed his car last night
By turning left instead of right
He clipped poor Brian's new shiny mini
Its a Jazz, not a mini, you ninny
Norman crashed his car last night
By turning left instead of right
He clipped poor Brian's new shiny mini
Its a Jazz, not a mini, you silly ninny
Brian rang the cops as Norm was tight.
Basil the fox ransacked Mac's bin
Norman crashed his car last night
By turning left instead of right
He clipped poor Brian's new shiny mini
Its a Jazz, not a mini, you ninny
And it's painted in colours so bright
A Parisian named Antoine
Basil the fox ransacked Mac's bin
He could smell a haggis deep within
Basil the fox ransacked Mac's bin
He could smell a haggis deep within
He smacked his lips and took a bite
Basil the fox ransacked Mac's bin
He could smell a haggis deep within
He smacked his lips and took a bite
The haggis was veggie, it tasted like shite 🤮🤢
That's why Mac buried it deep within 😏
***********
A mature IT whizz name of Mark
A mature IT whizz name of Mark
Plugged in his lappy and saw a huge spark
A mature IT whizz name of Mark
Plugged in his lappy and saw a huge spark
Had his forum exploded
A mature IT whizz name of Mark
Plugged in his lappy and saw a huge spark
Had his forum exploded
Or had it unloaded?
A mature IT whizz name of Mark
Plugged in his lappy and saw a huge spark
Had his forum exploded
Or had it unloaded?
Cos briefly our screens had gone dark!
***********
In a flash Mark had sorted it out
In a flash Mark had sorted it out
As exclaimed with a shout
In a flash Mark had sorted it out
As he exclaimed with a shout
'Lets Chat's' back up folks
In a flash Mark had sorted it out
As he exclaimed with a shout
'Lets Chat's' back up folks
So let's hear your jokes
In a flash Mark had sorted it out
As he exclaimed with a shout
'Let's Chat's' a back up folks
So let's hear your jokes
Except for Crabby who did a Flout
There was an old man of Balmoral
There was an old man of Balmoral
Whose trews were surprisingly floral
There was an old man of Balmoral
Whose trews were surprisingly floral
when asked was this was
There was an old man from Balmoral
Whose trews were surprisingly floral
When asked why this was
He replied 'It's because..'
There was an old man from Balmoral
Whose trews were surprisingly floral
When asked why this was
He replied 'It's because..'
My wife and I had a big quarrel
You may think us bears aren't smart
You may think us bears aren't smart
I can converse with humans ,for a start
You may think us bears aren't smart
I can converse with humans for a start
My driving skills put most to shame
You may think us bears aren't smart
I can converse with humans for a start
My driving skills put most to shame
If there is a bump I'm never to blame
You may think us bears aren't smart
I can converse with humans for a start
My driving skills put most to shame
If there is a bump I'm never to blame
And a dented car just breaks my heart
Do you detect some signs of spring?
Do you detect some signs of spring?
Yes! I heard the birdies sing
Do you detect some signs of spring?
Yes! I heard the birdies sing
Bless their little hearts
Do you detect some signs of spring?
Yes! I heard the birdies sing
Bless their little hearts
But I wish they wouldn't start
Do you detect some signs of spring?
Yes! I heard the birdies sing
Bless their little hearts
But I wish they wouldn't start
Till after my alarm starts to ring
A forum spammer arrived last night
A forum spammer arrived last night
And gave the regulars quite a fright
A former spammer arrived last night
And gave the regulars quite a fright
A Russian beauty offering sex
A forum spammer arrived last night
And gave the regulars quite a fright
A Russian beauty offering sex
Own up folks - who polished their specs?
A forum spammer arrived last night
And gave the regulars quite a fright
A Russian beauty offering sex
Own up folks - who polished their specs?
In the hope of catching quite a sight?
A very strict school ma'am called Mabel
A very strict school ma'am called Mabel
Had a sturdy dining room table
A very strict school ma'am called Mabel
Had a sturdy dining room table
With all the homework in piles
A very strict school ma'am called Mabel
Had a sturdy dining room table
With all the homework in piles
And no time for smiles
A very strict school ma'am called Mabel
Had a sturdy dining room table
With all the homework in piles
And no time for smiles
Mabel worked as long as she was able
********
There's a general election next year
There's a general election next year
That the Tories will lose is quite clear
There's a general election next year
That the Tories will lose is quite clear
But bad as they are
There's a general election next year
That the Tories will lose is quite clear
But bad as they are
They'll travel afar
There's a general election next year
That the Tories will lose is quite clear
But bad as they are
They'll travel afar
and take a long jump off a short pier
A vain young man from Milan
A vain young man from Milan
Loved to drive in his customised van
A vain young man from Milan
Loved to drive his customised van
His painted face on the bonnet
A vain young man from Milan
Loved to drive his customised van
His painted face on the bonnet
was graced with lines from a sonnet
A vain young man from Milan
Loved to drive his customised van
His painted face on the bonnet
was graced with lines from a sonnet
Composed by his lovely old gran
Bill went into town on a rickety bus
Bill went into town on a rickety bus
There were no spare seats, but he didn't fuss
Bill went into town on a rickety bus
There were no spare seats, but he didn't fuss
Stood by a pole and clung on tight
Bill went into town on a rickety bus
There were no spare seats, but he didn't fuss
Stood by a pole and clung on tight
Swayed and stumbled as though quite tight
Bill went into town on a rickety bus
There were no spare seats, but he didn't fuss
Stood by a pole and clung on tight
Swayed and stumbled as though quite tight
Then banged his poor knee and started to cuss.
The Easter Fair opened up last night
The Easter Fair opened up last night
The big dipper was one hell of a sight
The Easter Fair opened up last night
The Big Dipper was one hell of a sight
Mabel, dressed as a bunny ,had eyes a poppin'
The Easter Fair opened up last night
The Big Dipper was one hell of a sight
Mabel, dressed as a bunny ,had eyes a poppin'
She wasn't walking, she was hoppin'
The Easter Fair opened up last night
The Big Dipper was one hell of a sight
Mabel, dressed as a bunny ,had eyes a poppin'
She wasn't walking, she was hoppin'
which gave her doggie one hell of a fright
A tee total vicar from Reigate
A tee total vicar from Reigate
Would enter the pub by a side gate
A tee total vicar from Reigate
Would enter the pub by a side gate
when seen by his bishop
A tee total vicar from Reigate
Would enter the pub by a side gate
when seen by his bishop
With a fresh pint of Abbot
doesn't rhyme
Not much does unfortunately. Does this meet your requirements? :grin:
A tee total vicar from Reigate
Would enter the pub by a side gate
When seen by his bishop
Also out for a piss up
Well, at least it rhymes.
A tee total vicar from Reigate
Would enter the pub by a side gate
When seen by his bishop
Also out for a piss up
Which was why the service was late
A man tossing deck quoits for fun
A man tossing deck quoits for fun
Tried to do so while eating a bun
A man tossing deck quoits for fun
Tried to do so while eating a bun
It caused him to burp
A man tossing deck quoits for fun
Tried to do so while eating a bun
It caused him to burp
So he took a quick slurp
A man tossing deck quoits for fun
Tried to do so while eating a bun
It caused him to burp
So he took a quick slurp
Then set off with his wife for a run
*************
Wee Jimmy set off for a walk
Wee Jimmy set off for a walk
to go from Dublin to Cork
Wee Jimmy set off for a walk
To go from Dublin to Cork
He set quite a pace
Quote from: GrannyMac on April 13, 2023, 07:05:47 AMWee Jimmy set off for a walk
To go from Dublin to Cork
He set quite a pace
With the wind in his face
Wee Jimmy set off for a walk
To go from Dublin to Cork
He set quite a pace
With the wind in his face
Whilst eating his lunch with a fork.
**********
The man from the Pru used to call
The man from the Pru used to call
But without cash, we'd hide in the hall
The man from the Pru used to call
But without cash, we'd hide in the hall
He'd return every week
The man from the Pru used to call
But without cash, we'd hide in the hall
He'd return every week
His payments to seek
The man from the Pru used to call
But without cash, we'd hide in the hall
He'd return every week
His payments to seek
But with us he had no hope at all
Young Lochinvar rode out to war on his steed
Young Lochinvar rode out to war on his steed
A mangy fleabit nag of indeterminate breed
Young Lochinvar rode out to war on his steed
A mangy fleabit nag of indeterminate breed
It galloped along
Young Lochinvar rode out to war on his steed
A mangy fleabit nag of indeterminate breed
It galloped along
Making one hell of a pong
Young Lochinvar rode out to war on his steed
A mangy fleabit nag of indeterminate breed
It galloped along
Making one hell of a pong
As he whipped it without any heed
An overworked medic from Poole
An overworked medic from Poole
Proved to be a bit of a fool
An overworked medic from Poole
Proved to be a bit of a fool
He went out on strike
An overworked medic from Poole
Proved to be a bit of a fool
He went out on strike
whne he lost his bike
An overworked medic from Poole
Proved to be a bit of a fool
He went out on strike
When he lost his bike
And had to ride home on a mule
Old Joe's bus was running late
Old Joe's bus was running late
No good moaning - it's fate
Old Joe's bus was running late
No good moaning - it's just fate
Road works slow down even buses
Old Joe's bus was running late
No good moaning - it's just fate
Road works slow down even buses
And it's no good resorting to cusses
Old Joe's bus was running late
No good moaning - it's just fate
Road works slow down even buses
And it's no good resorting to cusses
As usual, he'll just have to wait
********
Public transport is in a real mess
Public transport is in a real mess
Admit it, Mr. Khan, just confess
Public transport is really a mess
Admit it, Mr Khan, just confess
Flo couldn't get to work last week
Public transport is really a mess
Admit it, Mr Khan, just confess
Flo couldn't get to work last week
Or so she said, but someone might sneak
Public transport is really a mess
Admit it, Mr Khan, just confess
Flo couldn't get to work last week
Or so she said, but someone might sneak
She was really out finding a new party dress
All our roads have potholes galore
All our roads have potholes galore
Which makes travel a bit of a bore
All our roads have potholes galore
Which makes travel a bit of a bore
I've hurt my back it is no joke
All our roads have potholes galore
Which makes travel a bit of a bore
I've hurt my back it is no joke
I'm even more damaged than other folk
All our roads have potholes galore
Which makes travel a bit of a bore
I've hurt my back it is no joke
I'm even more damaged than other folk
And my jallopy can't take any more
King Charles made a speech today
King Charles made a speech today
' Harry can bloody stay away'.
King Charles made a speech today
' Harry can bloody stay away'.
And as for his tart
King Charles made a speech today
'Harry can bloody well stay away'.
And as for his tart
No ride in a cart
King Charles made a speech today
'Harry can bloody well stay away'.
And as for his tart
No ride in a cart
It's time they accepted that this is my day
Jack and Jill avoided the hill when sent to fetch some water
Jack and Jill avoided the hill when sent to fetch some water
They snoozed in their beds and sent off the other daughter
Jack and Jill avoided the hill when sent to fetch some water
They snoozed in their beds and sent off the other daughter
but when her bucker was full
Jack and Jill avoided the hill when sent to fetch some water
They snoozed in their beds and sent off the other daughter
But when her bucket was full
She got charged by a bull
Jack and Jill avoided the hill when sent to fetch some water
They snoozed in their beds and sent off the other daughter
But when her bucket was full
She got charged by a bull
For ignoring the sign - that taught her!
A man cycling home in the dark
A man cycling home in the dark
Took a shortcut through the park
A man cycling home in the dark
Took a shortcut through the park
The silly old clot
A man cycling home in the dark
Took a shortcut through the park
The silly old clot
Was feeling sweaty and hot
A man cycling home in the dark
Took a shortcut through the park
The silly old clot
Was feeling sweaty and hot
And fell off - what a lark!
A winsome young maiden from Truro
A winsome young maiden from Truro
Saved her money in a drawer in her bureau
A winsome young maiden from Truro
Saved her money in a drawer in her bureau
When asked why this was
A winsome young maiden from Truro
Saved her money in a drawer in her bureau
When asked why this was
She replied 'It's because..
A winsome young maiden from Truro
Saved her money in a drawer in her bureau
When asked why this was
She replied 'It's because..
I like counting my dollars and Euros.
******
A woman from Essex called Lily
A woman from Essex called Lily
was known to frequent Piccadilly
A woman from Essex called Lily
Was known to frequent Piccadilly
On the corner she'd stand
A woman from Essex called Lily
Was known to frequent Piccadilly
On the corner she'd stand
White bag in her hand
A woman from Essex called Lily
Was known to frequent Piccadilly
On the corner she'd stand
White bag in her hand
Hoping to entice someone silly
A gormless young fellow from Poole
A gormless young fellow from Poole
This week, was the village fool
A gormless young fellow from Poole
This week, was the village fool
so he went to the pub
A gormless young fellow from Poole
This week, was the village fool
So he went to the pub
To order some grub
A gormless young fellow from Poole
This week, was the village fool
So he went to the pub
To order some grub
But managed to fall off the stool
There once was a fellow called Gerry
There once was a fellow called Gerry
Bought his mum a bottle of sherry
There once was a fellow called Gerry
Bought his mum a bottle of sherry
His mum took a big swig
There once was a fellow called Gerry
Bought his mum a bottle of sherry
His mum took a big swig
While dancing a jig
There once was a fellow called Gerry
Bought his mum a bottle of sherry
His mum took a big swig
While dancing a jig
Last seen on a Cross Channel ferry!
******
A grumpy old Doncaster chap
A grumpy old Doncaster chap
Had an unfortunate wardrobe mishap
A grumpy old Doncaster chap
Had an unfortunate wardrobe mishap
He was heading to town
A grumpy old Doncaster chap
Had an unfortunate wardrobe mishap
He was heading to town
When his trousers fell down
A grumpy old Doncaster chap
Had an unfortunate wardrobe mishap
He was heading to town
When his trousers fell down
And the shoppers all stood round and clapped 👏🏼
*********
He tried braces the very next day
He tried braces the very next day
At least then nobody could say
He tried braces the very next day
At least then nobody could say
We've seen what you've got
He tried braces the very next day
At least then nobody could say
We've seen what you've got
(Which was rather a lot)
He tried braces the very next day
At least then nobody could say
We've seen what you've got
(Which was rather a lot)
But we'll never tell -OKAY?
An air stewardess name of Polly
An air stewardess name of Polly
Sampled her wares and got jolly
An air stewardess name of Polly
Sampled her wares and got jolly
but some lout in first class
An air stewardess name of Polly
Sampled her wares and got jolly
but some lout in first class
Chatted up the wee lass
An air stewardess name of Polly
Sampled her wares and got jolly
but some lout in first class
Chatted up the wee lass
Who clouted him with a tray from her trolley
A studious Hindu from Darjeeling
A studious Hindu from Darjeeling
Could never talk about his feelings
A studious Hindu from Darjeeling
Could never talk about his feelings
He locked them inside
A studious Hindu from Darjeeling
Could never talk about his feelings
He locked them inside
But felt lonely, so tried
A studious Hindu from Darjeeling
Could never talk about his feelings
He locked them inside
But felt lonely, so tried
To write them on people's ceilings
A wily MP from South Wales
A wily MP from South Wales
Avoiding the rain and the gales
A wily MP from South Wales
Avoiding the rain and the gales
Popped into a strip club
Thinking it was a pub
A wily MP from South Wales
Avoiding the rain and the gales
Popped into a strip club
Thinking it was a pub
Oh dear! The strippers were males!
A man coming home one dark night
A man coming home one dark night
Heard some noises that gave him a fright
A man coming home one dark night
Heard some noises that gave him a fright
He called for his dog - named ranger
A man coming home one dark night
Heard some noises that gave him a fright
He called for his dog - named ranger
Fearing some terrible danger
A man coming home one dark night
Heard some noises that gave him a fright
He called for his dog- named ranger
Fearing some terrible danger
But it was our Betty ..as high as a kite
You need to add a starter line Scrumpy.
The search went up for Betty's teeth
The search went up for Betty's teeth
On top of the dresser and beneath
The search went up for Betty's teeth
On top of the dresser and beneath
She sat on a chair,
The search went up for Betty's teeth
On top of the dresser and beneath
She sat on a chair
and something did bite her there
Quote from: Scrumpy on April 20, 2023, 11:23:18 AMThe search went up for Betty's teeth
On top of the dresser and beneath
She sat on a chair
and something did bite her there
SO she she took the bus to Leith
No-one could find where Freddie hid them
No-one could find where Freddie hid them
Were they in a pocket, or tucked into a hem
No-one could find where Freddie hid them
Were they in a pocket, or tucked into a hem
I checked his turn ups and his socks
No-one could find where Freddie hid them
Were they in a pocket, or tucked into a hem
I checked his turn ups and his socks
Even threatened to cut his locks
No-one could find where Freddie hid them
Were they in a pocket, or tucked into a hem
I checked his turn ups and his socks
Even threatened to cut his locks
Under the mat was where he slid them!
**********
A young politician named Nic
A young politician named Nic
was known for a scurrilous trick
A young politician named Nic
was known for a scurrilous trick
Where was the cash?
A young politician named Nic
was known for a scurrilous trick
Where was the cash?
To just take it was rash.
A young politician named Nic
was known for a scurrilous trick
Where was the cash?
To just take it was rash.
And proved he was ever so thick
A dog loving woman named Pearl
Nic was meant to be a woman Mike, I thought being in Scotland you'd get who I meant? 😊
A dog loving woman named Pearl
Tried to catch the eye of an Earl
I was being obtuse - something at which I am quite good :cry:
A dog loving woman named Pearl
Tried to catch the eye of an Earl
But the wise old peer
A dog loving woman named Pearl
Tried to catch the eye of an Earl
But the wise old peer
said ' Not in this house my dear'
A dog loving woman named Pearl
Tried to catch the eye of an Earl
But the wise old peer
said ' Not in this house my dear'
which made her blow wave curl
A lazy young tyke from the Mersey
A lazy young tyke from the Mersey
Couldn't be bothered to put on a jersey
A lazy young tyke from the Mersey
Couldn't be bothered to put on a jersey
So he wore a string vest
A lazy young tyke from the Mersey
Couldn't be bothered to put on a jersey
So he wore a string vest
And became a real pest
A lazy young tyke from the Mersey
Couldn't be bothered to put on a jersey
So he wore a string vest
And became a real pest
And claimed that his name was Fred Percy
A foolish young fellow from Rome
Were you interrupted klondike? 😉
A foolish young fellow from Rome
Was lost and a long way from home
A foolish young fellow from Rome
Was lost and a long way from home
He searched around for a map
Don't recall what happened there Mac but I've removed the half post now.
V=A foolish young fellow from Rome
Was lost and a long way from home
He searched around for a map
sat down for a nap
A foolish young fellow from Rome
Was lost and a long way from home
He searched around for a map
sat down for a nap
As all he could find was his comb
A scruffy old tramp from Killarney
A scruffy old tramp from Killarney
Was usually found having a barney
A scruffy old tramp from Killarney
Was usually found having a barney
He'd rant and he'd rage
A scruffy old tramp from Killarney
Found himself involved in a barney
No Mike. It's construct a limerick line by line not deconstruct one :grin:
A scruffy old tramp from Killarney
Was usually found having a barney
He'd rant and he'd rage
About getting no wage
A scruffy old tramp from Killarney
Was usually found having a barney
He'd rant and he'd rage
About getting no wage
Just a cup of tea and a sarnie.
**********
The name of the old tramp was Sean
The name of the old tramp was Sean
He walked through the night until morn
The name of the old tramp was Sean
He walked through the night until morn
His shoes had no soles
The name of the old tramp was Sean
He walked through the night until morn
His shoes had no soles
His socks were all holes
The name of the old tramp was Sean
He walked through the night until morn
His shoes had no soles
His socks were all holes
And his clothes were all tattered and torn
there once was a man from Madrid
There once was a man from Madrid
Who ran from the coppers and hid
There once was a man from Madrid
Who ran from the coppers and hid
all the money he'd nicked
There once was a man from Madrid
Who ran from the coppers and hid
all the money he'd nicked
From pockets he'd picked
There once was a man from Madrid
Who ran from the coppers and hid
all the money he'd nicked
From pockets he'd picked
Only amounted to twenty-five quid
A foolish young lady from Salford
A foolish young lady from Salford
Was feeing so desperately bored
I wish she'd have come from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch that would have rhymed easier
A foolish young lady from Salford
Was feeing so desperately bored
That she turne to her mam
A foolish young lady from Salford
Was feeling so desperately bored
That she turned to her mam
said 'Shall we have chips with our Spam'?
A foolish young lady from Salford
Was feeling so desperately bored
That she turned to her mam
said 'Shall we have chips with our Spam'?
Who shouted Yes please. Praise the Lord.
My mammy sat me on her knee
My mammy sat me on her kne
I was quite small for twenty three
My mammy sat me on her knee
I was quite small for twenty three
Now Brenda lass I have to say
My mammy sat me on her knee
I was quite small for twenty three
Now Brenda lass I have to say
I want to get down and play
My mammy sat me on her knee
I was quite small for twenty three
Now Brenda lass I have to say
'Don't let Harry have his way'
My mammy sat me on her knee
I was quite small for twenty three
Now Brenda lass I have to say
'Don't let Harry have his way'
That lad thinks everything is free!
There was once was a cunning old Norse
There was once was a cunning old Norse
Who owned an ancient fleabag of a horse
There was once was a cunning old Norse
Who owned an ancient fleabag of a horse
When riding to war
There was once was a cunning old Norse
Who owned an ancient fleabag of a horse
When riding to war
By prayed nobody saw
There was once was a cunning old Norse
Who owned an ancient fleabag of a horse
When riding to war
He prayed nobody saw
How he flogged the poor beastie with force
A dashing young belle of the ball
A dashing young belle of the ball
Was maybe a little too tall
A dashing young belle of the ball
Was maybe a little too tall
At six foot three
A dashing young belle of the ball
Was maybe a little too tall
At six foot three
With a gammy knee
good morning, granny
A dashing young belle of the ball
Was maybe a little too tall
At six foot three
With a gammy knee
She was sure to head for a fall
An elegant fellow named Claude
An elegant fellow named Claude
Spent far more than he could afford
An elegant fellow named Claude
Spent far more than he could afford
His wife wailed 'we're broke'
An elegant fellow named Claude
Spent far more than he could afford
His wife wailed 'we're broke'
Claude replied in a croak
An elegant fellow named Claude
Spent far more than he could afford
His wife wailed 'we're broke'
Claude replied in a croak
We'll just have to trust in the Lord!
Whilst driving his cattle to market
Whilst driving his cattle to market
Freddie popped in to see Mavis in Barnet
Whilst driving his cattle to market
Freddie popped in to see Mavis in Barnet
He popped in for a cuppa
Whilst driving his cattle to market
Freddie popped in to see Mavis in Barnet
He popped in for a cuppa
But was still there at supper
Whilst driving his cattle to market
Freddie popped in to see Mavis in Barnet
He popped in for a cuppa
But was still there at supper
When hubby came home - oh darn it!
A very keen angler from Montrose
A very keen angler from Montrose
Took his chances on growing a Pinoccio nose
A very keen angler from Montrose
Took his chances on growing a Pinocchio nose
He said 'Mine's as big as THIS'
A very keen angler from Montrose
Took his chances on growing a Pinocchio nose
He said "Mine's as big as THIS"
She said "Don't you wish?"
A very keen angler from Montrose
Took his chances on growing a Pinocchio nose
He said "Mine's as big as THIS"
She said "Don't you wish?
That yours were as big as my marrows?"
A coconut seller from France
A coconut seller from France
Liked to sing and liked to dance
A coconut seller from France
Liked to sing and liked to dance
His cute Palais glide
A coconut seller from France
Liked to sing and liked to dance
His cute Palais glide
Got the ladies on side
A coconut seller from France
Liked to sing and liked to dance
His cute Palais glide
Got the ladies on side
So he thought he was in with a chance
A foolish young fellow from Perth
A foolish young fellow from Perth
Found a bomb when digging the earth
A foolish young fellow from Perth
Found a bomb when digging the earth
He poked it with a stick
A foolish young fellow from Perth
Found a bomb when digging the earth
He poked it with a stick
it started to tick 💣
A foolish young fellow from Perth
Found a bomb when digging the earth
He poked it with a stick
it started to tick
He now lives in Brighton, Oxford and Wandsworth
April 29, 2023, 10:30:55 AM
Today our Sally gets wed
Today our Sally gets wed
I'm not sure she's right in the head
Today our Sally gets wed
I'm not sure she's right in the head
She wants to wear black
Today our Sally gets wed
I'm not sure she's right in the head
She wants to wear black
With her head in a sack
Today our Sally gets wed
I'm not sure she's right in the head
She wants to wear black
With her head in a sack
So she can send her sister instead
There once was a man of the cloth
There once was a man of the cloth
Who only ate apples and broth
There once was a man of the cloth
Who only ate apples and broth
Despite this meager fast
there once was a man of the cloth
Who only ate apples and broth
Despite this meagre fast
He was rather large around the a*se
Quote from: Scrumpy on April 29, 2023, 10:22:01 AMA foolish young fellow from Perth
Found a bomb when digging the earth
He poked it with a stick
it started to tick
He now lives in Brighton, Oxford and Wandsworth
:smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: Very good team
There once was a man of the cloth
Who only ate apples and broth
Despite this meagre fast
He was rather large around the arse
And couldn't keep up with a sloth
The good vicar of the village of Morton
The good vicar of the village of Morton
Rode to church on his favourite Norton
The good vicar of the village of Morton
Rode to church on his favourite Norton
The exhaust was so loud
The good vicar of the village of Morton
Rode to church on his favourite Norton
The exhaust was so loud
It attracted a crowd
The good vicar of the village of Morton
Rode to church on his favourite Norton
The exhaust was so loud
It attracted a crowd
From as far as Salford and Gorton
*********
A woman from Barnsley named Lil
A woman from Barnsley named Lil
Exclaimed 'No, I'm not over the hill
A woman from Barnsley named Lil
Exclaimed 'No, I'm not over the hill
Half my teeth are my own
A woman from Barnsley named Lil
Exclaimed 'No, I'm not over the hill
Half my teeth are my own
the others are on loan
A woman from Barnsley named Lil
Exclaimed 'No, I'm not over the hill
Half my teeth are my own
The others on loan
Until I pay off the bill
I had to call the police today
I had to call the police today
To tell them what I want to say
I had to call the police today
To tell them what I want to say
A scallywag has just pinched my gnome
I had to call the police today
To tell them what I want to say
A scallywag has just pinched my gnome
And half the lawn which was home grown
I had to call the police today
To tell them what I want to say
A scallywag has just pinched my gnome
And half the lawn which was home grown
They gave me a number so the insurance will pay
Mable and Agnes went to the fair
Mable and Agnes went to the fair
Hand in hand as a loving pair
Mable and Agnes went to the fair
Hand in hand as a loving pair
Ignoring the insults of rude little tykes
Mabel and Agnes went to the fair
Hand in hand as a loving pair
Ignoring the insults of rude little tykes
Who called them names like lezzers and dikes
Mabel and Agnes went to the fair
Hand in hand as a loving pair
Ignoring the insults of rude little tykes
Who called them names like lezzers and dikes
Until Mabel kicked one up the bum and Agnes pulled his hair
The Bishop phoned up Father Billy
The Bishop phoned up Father Billy
He said 'I've done something rather silly'
The Bishop phoned up Father Billy
He said 'I've done something rather silly'
I've mislaid my mitre
The Bishop phoned up Father Billy
He said 'I've done something rather silly'
I've mislaid my mitre
And my cassock feels tighter
The Bishop phoned up Father Billy
He said 'I've done something rather silly'
I've mislaid my mitre
And my cassock feels tighter
And the collar is much too frilly
A lazy young fellow from Dover
A lazy young fellow from Dover
With a mangy old fleabag named Rover
A lazy young fellow from Dover
With a mangy old fleabag named Rover
Set his cur on a tramp
A lazy young fellow from Dover
With a mangy old fleabag named Rover
Set his cur on a tramp
Who lashed out with his gamp
A lazy young fellow from Dover
With a mangy old fleabag named Rover
Set his cur on a tramp
Who lashed out with his gamp
Which made the poor dog roll over
A luckless young lady from Madrid
A luckless young lady from Madrid
Dropped her purse and lost a quid
A luckless young lady from Madrid
Dropped her purse and lost a quid
Now she said I'll need Euros
A luckless young lady from Madrid
Dropped her purse and lost a quid
Now she said I'll need Euros
There are some in my bureau
A luckless young lady from Madrid
Dropped her purse and lost a quid
Now she said I'll need Euros
There are some in my bureau
But someone has nailed down the lid.
An ernest young suitor from Frome
An ernest young suitor from Frome
Hoped one day to be a young groom
An ernest young suitor from Frome
Hoped one day to be a young groom
With hope in his heart ♥️
An earnest young suitor from Frome
Hoped one day to be a groom
With hope in his heart
He visited the Mart
GrannyMac.. where did you find the heart symbol.?
An earnest young suitor from Frome
Hoped one day to be a groom
With hope in his heart
He visited the Mart
And took a big diamond ring home
Brian drove home drunk from 'spoons
Brian drove home drunk from 'spoons
Hoping to call in some boons
Brian drove home drunk from 'spoons
Hoping to call in some boons
He saw the traffic lights were red
Brian drove home drunk from 'spoons
Hoping to call in some boons
He saw the traffic lights were red
He didn't care, through the lights he sped
Brian drove home drunk from 'spoons
Hoping to call in some boons
He saw the traffic lights were red
He didn't care, through the lights he sped
Like something out of Crazy Toons!
A careless young man from Andover
A careless young man from Andover
Bought himself an expensive new Rover
A careless young man from Andover
Bought himself an expensive new Rover
It was painted dark green
A careless young man from Andover
Bought himself an expensive new Rover
It was painted dark green
In a shade rarely seen
A careless young man from Andover
Bought himself an expensive new Rover
It was painted dark green
In a shade rarely seen
With motifs of roses and clover
*********
A young lad from Bath name of Tim
A young lad from Bath name of Tim
Wore fetching check trews on a whim
A young lad from Bath name of Tim
Wore fetching check trews on a whim
when asked was it tartan
A young lad from Bath name of Tim
Wore fetching check trews on a whim
when asked was it tartan
Replied 'i am a Martian'
A young lad from Bath name of Tim
Wore fetching check trews on a whim
when asked was it tartan
Replied 'i am a Martian'
A lie that came easily to him
There was a fair maiden of Perth
There was a fair maiden of Perth
Who developed a bit of a girth
There was a fair maiden of Perth
Who developed a bit of a girth
When asked why this was
There was a fair maiden of Perth
Who developed a bit of a girth
When asked why this was
Replied 'its because
There was a fair maiden of Perth
Who developed a bit of a girth
When asked why this was
Replied 'its because
I love pies for all I'm worth
Your money or your wife cried Dick
Your money or your wife cried Dick
'life' you mean shouted Rick
Your money or your wife cried Dick
'life' you mean shouted Rick
'Looking at yours you could be right 'said Mick
Your money or your wife cried Dick
'Life' you mean shouted Rick
'Looking at yours you could be right' said Mick
'Please take mine' pleaded Nick Sorry everyone..
Please shut the gate the notice said
Please shut the gate the notice said
As Jimmy stood and scratched his head
Please shut the gate the notice said
As Jimmy stood and scratched his head
A bull saw red, it's head went down
Please shut the gate the notice said
As Jimmy stood and scratched his head
A bull saw red, it's head went down
And it thought I'll have him the clown
Please shut the gate the notice said
As Jimmy stood and scratched his head
A bull saw red, it's head went down
And it thought I'll have him the clown
Now Jimmy's well and truly dead.
**********
An old woman called Maggie from Fife
An old woman called Maggie from Fife
Tried to lead a blameless life
An old woman called Maggie from Fife
Tried to lead a blameless life
She never uttered a single curse
An old woman called Maggie from Fife
Tried to lead a blameless life
She never uttered a single curse
A took up a job as a nurse
An old woman called Maggie from Fife
Tried to lead a blameless life
She never uttered a single curse
And took up a job as a nurse
But protected her virtue with a kitchen knife
Vandals have let down all my tyres
Vandals have let down all my tyres
No-one is responsible .. bloody liars
Vandals have let down all my tyres
No-one is responsible .. bloody liars
That scruffy lad from eighty-four
Vandals have let down all my tyres
No-one is responsible..bloody liars
That scruffy lad from eighty-four
I'm sure he smirked as he passed my door
Vandals have let down all my tyres
No-one is responsible..bloody liars
That scruffy lad from eighty-four
I'm sure he smirked as he passed my door
And now he's lighting a stinking bonfire!
************
I love a biscuit with my tea
I love a biscuit with my tea
But never mind me - how about thee?
I love a biscuit with my tea
But never mind me - how about thee?
Garibaldis they will do.
I love a biscuit with my tea
But never mind me - how about thee?
Garibaldis they will do.
I'll help myself to just a few
I love a biscuit with my tea
But never mind me - how about thee?
Garibaldis they will do.
I'll help myself to just a few
One or two, or even three.
&&&&&&&&&&
The Co op was her favourite store
The Co op was her favourite store
It's divi kept her from being poor
The Co op was her favourite store
It's divi kept her from being poor.
She'd arrive in her Humber,
The Co op was her favourite store
It's divi kept her from being poor.
She'd arrive in her Humber
Clean and shiny with a personalised number
The Co op was her favourite store
It's divi kept her from being poor.
She'd arrive in her Humber
Clean and shiny with a personalised number
Andd buy up all that she saw
A timid young vicar from Kent
A timid young vicar from Kent
Took his camera wherever he went,
A timid young vicar from Kent
Took his camera wherever he went,
But the pictures he took
A timid young vicar from Kent
Took his camera wherever he went,
But the pictures he took
Had an odd sort of look
A timid young vicar from Kent
Took his camera wherever he went,
But the pictures he took
Had an odd sort of look
No matter wherever he went
A reclusive young fellow from Brum
A reclusive young fellow from Brum
Hid in his room with a guitar to strum
A reclusive young fellow from Brum
Hid in his room with a guitar to strum
But losing a string
A reclusive young fellow from Brum
Hid in his room with a guitar to strum
But losing a string
made his fingers sting
A reclusive young fellow from Brum
Hid in his room with a guitar to strum
But losing a string
made his fingers sting
So, music there was none
Wally drove the midnight train
Wally drove the midnight train
though lack of sleep fuddled his brain
Wally drove the midnight train
Though lack of sleep befuddled his brain
Is that station one where we stop?
Wally drove the midnight train
Though lack of sleep befuddled his brain
Is that station one where we stop?
Hang on, we'll ask that cop
Wally drove the midnight train
Though lack of sleep befuddled his brain
Is that station one where we stop?
Hang on, we'll ask that cop
No, we'll have to go round again.
**********
There's a woman up the road
There's a woman up the road
With a warty nose and big pet toad
There's a woman up the road
With a warty nose and big pet toad
She only comes out when it is dark
There's a woman up the road
With a warty nose and big pet toad
She only comes out when it is dark
Creeping around our local park
There's a woman up the road
With a warty nose and big pet toad
She only comes out when it is dark
Creeping around our local park
Thank heaven its not in our road
A foolish young fellow from Bootle
A foolish young fellow from Bootle
Wrote poetry that was pretty brutal
A foolish young fellow from Bootle
Wrote poetry that was pretty brutal
His so caustic rhymes
A foolish young fellow from Bootle
Wrote poetry that was pretty brutal
His so caustic rhymes
Were a sign of the times
A foolish young fellow from Bootle
Wrote poetry that was pretty brutal
His so caustic rhymes
Were a sign of the times
And also terribly futile
An unhappy young maiden from Leicester
An unhappy young maiden from Leicester
Allowed her resentment to fester
A unhappy maiden from Leicester
Allowed her resentment to fester
She yearned for a man
A unhappy maiden from Leicester
Allowed her resentment to fester
She yearned for a man
And worked on her tan
A unhappy maiden from Leicester
Allowed her resentment to fester
She yearned for a man
And worked on her tan
But still nobody would date her
The happy farmer went out for a walk
The happy farmer went out for a walk
He met an old cow and they did talk
The happy farmer went out for a walk
He met an old cow and they did talk
On the weather and why it was cold
The happy farmer went out for a walk
He met an old cow and they did talk
On the weather and why it was cold
And how it affected the old
And made the rooster squawk!
**********
An aging rock drummer named Mick
An aging rock drummer named Mick
Whose false teeth had developed a click
An aging rock drummer named Mick
Whose false teeth had developed a click
set them down on his chair
An aging rock drummer named Mick
Whose false teeth had developed a click
Set them down on his chair
And they chomped on his hair
An aging rock drummer named Mick
Whose false teeth had developed a click
Set them down on his chair
And they chomped on his hair
So he leapt in air - what a trick!
A miserable old git from Penzance
A miserable old git from Penzance
Decided he should learn to dance
A miserable old git from Penzance
Decided he should learn to dance
So he trippied the light fantastic
A miserable old git from Penzance
Decided he should learn to dance
So he tripped the light fantastic
But sadly his elastic
A miserable old git from Penzance
Decided he should learn how to dance
So he tripped the light fantastic
But sadly his elastic
Snapped so down came his pants
The vicar berated his intemperate flock
The vicar berated his intemperate flock
who drank at all hours of the clock
The vicar berated his intemperate flock
who drank at all hours of the clock
Beer wine and sherry
The vicar berated his intemperate flock
who drank at all hours of the clock
Beer wine and sherry
Rendered them all quite merry
The vicar berated his intemperate flock
who drank at all hours of the clock
Beer wine and sherry
Rendered them all quite merry
And Bill danced around in his frock
Duncan played a merry jig
Duncan played a merry jig
And got them dancing at his gig
Duncan played a merry jig
And got them dancing at his gig
The Gordons were gay
Duncan played a merry jig
And got them dancing at his gig
The Gordons were gay
And so was old May
Duncan played a merry jig
And got them dancing at his gig
The Gordons were gay
And so was old May
But Hamish was sick as a pig
There once was an elegant lord
There once was an elegant lord
Who drove a battered old Ford
There once was an elegant lord
Who drove a battered old Ford
this dreadful old banger
There once was an elegant lord
Who drove a battered old Ford
This dreadful old banger
Was worth less than a tanner
There once was an elegant lord
Who drove a battered old Ford
This dreadful old banger
Was worth less than a tanner
But was all that the Lord could afford
A nervous young lady from Poole
A nervous young lady from Poole
Had a boyfriend who was clearly a fool
A nervous young lady from Poole
Had a boyfriend who was clearly a fool
When they went out to eat
A nervous young lady from Poole
Had a boyfriend who was clearly a fool
When they went out to eat
He wouldn't touch meat
A nervous young lady from Poole
Had a boyfriend who was clearly a fool
When they went out to eat
He wouldn't touch meat
Then leaned back and fell off his stool
The actress said to the Reverend Billy
The actress said to the Reverend Billy
'I'm not that sort of girl' silly'
The actress said to the Reverend Billy
'I'm not that sort of girl' silly'
So don't try it on
The actress said to the Reverend Billy
'I'm not that sort of girl' silly'
So don't try it on
Or you'll find me gone
The actress said to the Reverend Billy
'I'm not that sort of girl' silly'
So don't try it on
Or you'll find me gone
As I gallop away on my filly
A dim-witted fellow from Cork
A dim-witted fellow from Cork
Ate little but cabbage and pork
A dim-witted fellow from Cork
Ate little but cabbage and pork
The result of this fare
A dim-witted fellow from Cork
Ate little but cabbage and pork
The result of this fare
Was fetid air
A dim-witted fellow from Cork
Ate little but cabbage and pork
The result of this fare
Was fetid air
Which caused all the village to talk
A dashing young airman from Crewe
A dashing young airman from Crewe
Took off with a buckled airscrew
A dashing young airman from Crewe
Took off with a buckled airscrew
As it damaged the cowl
A dashing young airman from Crewe
Took off with a buckled airscrew
As it damaged the cowl
He started to scowl
A dashing young airman from Crewe
Took off with a buckled airscrew
As it damaged the cowl
He started to scowl
As it stopped him from drinking his brew
A bad-tempered doctor from Leicester
A bad tempered doctor from Leicester
Had a cut that was starting to fester
A bad tempered doctor from Leicester
Had a cut that was starting to fester
So he called for his nurse
A bad tempered doctor from Leicester
Had a cut that was starting to fester
So he called for his nurse
But she made it worse!
A bad tempered doctor from Leicester
Had a cut that was starting to fester
So he called for his nurse
But she made it worse!
So the police came round to arrest her!
A timid young lady named Jill
A timid young lady named Jill
Was dismayed by her telephone bill
A timid young lady named Jill
Was dismayed by her telephone bill
So she took up e-mailing
A timid young lady named Jill
Was dismayed by her telephone bill
So she took up emailing
Which stopped her from wailing
A timid young lady named Jill
Was dismayed by her telephone bill
So she took up emailing
Which stopped her from wailing
Of the telephone she had now had her fill
A cunning young rascal for Cardiff
A cunning young rascal from Cardiff
Found an easy old fellow to stiff
A cunning young rascal from Cardiff
Found an easy old fellow to stiff
As he went through his wallet
Looks like everybody is stumped finding an appropriate rhyme for wallet. Cardiff was tricky too. Maybe a different third line Mike?
How about
A cunning young rascal from Cardiff
Found an easy old fellow to stiff
As he went through his pockets
A cunning young rascal from Cardiff
Found an easy old fellow to stiff
As he went through his pockets
He stole some gold lockets
A cunning young rascal from Cardiff
Found an easy old fellow to stiff
As he went through his pockets
He stole some gold lockets
And tossed them over a cliff
There once was a young man from Rome
There once was a young man from Rome
Who travelled a long way from home
There once was a young man from Rome
Who travelled a long way from home
While walking through Bicester
There once was a young man from Rome
Who travelled a long way from home
While walking through Bicester
He met up with his sister
There once was a young man from Rome
Who travelled a long way from home
While walking through Bicester
He met up with his sister
Who tidied his hair with a comb.
**********
A jigsaw fanatic, Denise
A jigsaw fanatic, Denise
Saw red when missing a piece
A jigsaw fanatic, Denise
Saw red when missing a piece
She looked high and low
A jigsaw fanatic, Denise
Saw red when missing a piece
She looked high and low
But gave up full of woe
A jigsaw fanatic, Denise
Saw red when missing a piece
She looked high and low
But gave up full of woe
And blames it all on her niece
A trevelling salesman from Chester
A travelling salesman from Chester
Liked to have a daily siesta
A travelling salesman from Chester
Liked to have a daily siesta
From noon until three
A travelling salesman from Chester
Liked to have a daily siesta
From noon until three
Then up for a pee
A travelling salesman from Chester
Liked to have a daily siesta
From noon until three
Then up for a pee
before heading away to Leicester
There was an old trooper from Duxford
There was an old trooper from Duxford
Who marched all the way into Oxford
here was an old trooper from Duxford
Who marched all the way into Oxford
Which blistered his feet something awful
There was an old trooper from Duxford
Who marched all the way into Oxford
Which blistered his feet
So they looked like raw meat
There was an old trooper from Duxford
Who marched all the way into Oxford
Which blistered his feet
So they looked like raw meat
So he soaked them in brine which was all he could afford
There once once was an honest MP
There once once was an honest MP
Which may sound unlikely to thee
here once once was an honest MP
Which may sound unlikely to thee
But strange as it seems
There once once was an honest MP
Which may sound unlikely to thee
But strange as it seems
He had no dodgy schemes
There once once was an honest MP
Which may sound unlikely to thee
But strange as it seems
He had no dodgy schemes
Not even seeking a fee
A mutinous fellahin crew from Bombay
A mutinous fellahin crew from Bombay
Declared they'd only sail for more pay
A mutinous fellahin crew from Bombay
Declared they'd only sail for more pay
but their ship sprung a leak
A mutinous fellahin crew from Bombay
Declared they'd only sail for more pay
But their ship sprung a leak
And they were laid off for a week
A mutinous fellahin crew from Bombay
Declared they'd only sail for more pay
But their ship sprung a leak
And they were laid off for a week
But they soon oulived their stay
Moaning Minnie from Lancs
Moaning Minnie from Lancs
Never ever trusted banks
Moaning Minnie from Lancs
Never ever trusted banks
So kept her cash in a box
Moaning Minnie from Lancs
Never ever trusted banks
So kept her cash in a box
In a drawer with her socks
Moaning Minnie from Lancs
Never ever trusted banks
So kept her cash in a box
In a drawer with her socks
Which she bought from a couple of Yanks
Little Jack Horner wouldn't sit in the corner
Little Jack Horner wouldn't sit in the corner
He wanted to sit with his friend Dora
Little Jack Horner wouldn't sit in the corner
He wanted to sit with his friend Dora
But teacher said 'No!'
Little Jack Horner wouldn't sit in the corner
He wanted to sit with his friend Dora
But teacher said 'No!'
'Or out you must go'
Little Jack Horner wouldn't sit in the corner
He wanted to sit with his friend Dora
But teacher said 'No!'
'Or out you must go'
So Jack made eyes at young Laura
A miserly couple from Dunoon
A miserly couple from Dunoon
Were out saving electric under the moon
A miserly couple from Dunoon
Were out saving electric under the moon
Their keys they forgot
A misery couple from Dunoon
Were out saving electric under the moon
Their keys they forgot
Into the house they could not
A miserly couple from Dunoon
Were out saving electric under the moon
Their keys they forgot
Into the house they could not
And were locked out til mid afternoon
Bill's lawn looked more weeds than grass
Bill's lawn looked more weeds than grass
And dandelions were growing fast
Bill's lawn looked more weeds than grass
And dandelions were growing fast
So he borrowed a sheep
Bill's lawn looked more weeds than grass
And dandelions were growing fast
So he borrowed a sheep
Which soon earned its keep
Bill's lawn looked more weeds than grass
And dandelions were growing fast
So he borrowed a sheep
Which soon earned its keep
As the time for mint sauce was long past
A loveable rogue name of Jim
A loveable rogue name of Jim
Whose favourite tipple was gin
A loveable rogue name of Jim
Whose favourite tipple was gin
Once stopped at a pub
A loveable rogue name of Jim
Who's favourite tipple was gin
Once stopped at a pub
For a game of darts and some grub
A loveable rogue name of Jim
Who's favourite tipple was gin
Once stopped at a pub
For a game of darts and some grub
A meat pie, two pints, and a win!
**********
A clever young lady from Wales
A clever young lady from Wales
Wed a 94yr old millionaire from the Dales
A clever young lady from Wales
Wed a 94yr old millionaire from the Dales
When asked for her reason
A clever young lady from Wales
Wed a 94yr old millionaire from the Dales
When asked for her reason
She replied they are legion
A clever young lady from Wales
Wed a 94yr old millionaire from the Dales
When asked for her reason
She replied they are legion
and the money helps when all else fails
Billy worked the barrows selling loads of tat
Billy worked the barrows selling loads of tat
From Instamatic cameras to a battered bowler hat
Billy worked the barrows selling loads of tat
From Instamatic cameras to a battered bowler hat
He said it all was 'Pukka'.. and 'Kosher' he said too
Billy worked the barrows selling loads of tat
From Instamatic cameras to a battered bowler hat
He said it all was 'Pukka'.. and 'Kosher' he said too
While underneath the barrow the magazines were blue
Billy worked the barrows selling loads of tat
From Instamatic cameras to a battered bowler hat
He said it all was 'Pukka'.. and 'Kosher' he said too
While underneath the barrow the magazines were blue
But he needed the money to feed his large cat
While locked in a cell to serve out his time
While locked in his cell to serve out his time
Smiffy was told to 'reflect on his crime'
While locked in his cell to serve out his time
Smiffy was told to 'reflect on his crime'
He claimed he'd been framed
While locked in his cell to serve out his time
Smiffy was told to 'reflect on his crime'
He claimed he'd been framed
Someone else should be blamed
While locked in his cell to serve out his time
Smiffy was told to 'reflect on his crime'
He claimed he'd been framed
Someone else should be blamed
But the staff just laughed all the time
There was a poor widow from Trent
There was a poor widow from Trent
Who set her cap at a wealthy old gent
There was a poor widow from Trent
Who set her cap at a wealthy old gent
She hitched up her skirt
There was a poor widow from Trent
Who set her cap at a wealthy old gent
She hitched up her skirt
And started to flirt
There was a poor widow from Trent
Who set her cap at a wealthy old gent
She hitched up her skirt
And started to flirt
Then out on a date the happy pair went
Bill set out for the seaside on a train
Bill set out for the seaside on a train
Lost his ticket and couldn't explain
Bill set out for the seaside on a train
Lost his ticket and couldn't explain
He got turfed off at Reading
Bill set out for the seaside on a train
Lost his ticket and couldn't explain
He got turfed off at Reading
Were he quite lost his heading
Bill set out for the seaside on a train
Lost his ticket and couldn't explain
He got turfed off at Reading
Were he quite lost his heading
And lamented his age addled brain
When Tim got up the other day
When Tim got up the other day
He found that a lodger had come to stay
When Tim got up the other day
He found that a lodger had come to stay
It had long, long legs and eyes of green
When Tim got up the other day
He found that a lodger had come to stay
It had long, long legs and eyes of green
Was it male, female or in between?
When Tim got up the other day
He found that a lodger had come to stay
It had long, long legs and eyes of green
Was it male, female or in between?
No, it was a Martian come to prey!
An elegant young man from Belfast
An elegant young man from Belfast
Really hoped his romance would last
An elegant young man from Belfast
Really hoped his romance would last
But his hope was in vain
An elegant young man from Belfast
Really hoped his romance would last
But his hope was in vain
When he dropped the ring down the drain
An elegant young man from Belfast
Really hoped his romance would last
But his hope was in vain
When he dropped the ring down the drain
So he went on a seven day fast
His family though Tom quite a clot
His family though Tom quite a clot
He really did talk mostly rot
His family though Tom quite a clot
He really did talk mostly rot
On subjects obscure
though his intentions were pure
His family thought Tom quite a clot
He really did talk mostly rot
On subjects obscure
Though his intentions were pure
But not when it came to our Dot
The old folks home went on a trip
The old folks home went on a trip
The charabanc setting off at quite a clip
The old folks home went on a trip
The charabanc setting off at quite a clip
Shame about the red light
The old folks home went on a trip
The charabanc setting off at quite a clip
Shame about the red light
Speeding through it gave Bessy a fright
The old folks home went on a trip
The charabanc setting off at quite a clip
Shame about the red light
Speeding through it gave Bessy a fright
Even worse, Harry broke his left hip!
**********
T'was a hot summers day down in Rhyl
T'was a hot summers day down in Rhyl
And Jennifer felt rather ill
T'was a hot summers day down in Rhyl
And Jennifer felt rather ill
Some seafood she'd had
T'was a hot summers day down in Rhyl
And Jennifer felt rather ill
Some seafood she'd had
Must have been bad
'Twas a hot summers day down in Rhyl
And Jennifer felt rather ill
Some seafood she'd had
Must have been bad
For days she was sick and felt chills
**********
Peter's garden was in a state
Peter's garden was in a state
Full of weeds and broken gate
Peter's garden was in a state
Full of weeds and broken gate
But Peter cared not a jot
Peter's garden was in a state
Full of weeds and broken gate
But Peter cared not a jot
For in that garden he grew his pot
Peter's garden was in a state
Full of weeds and broken gate
But Peter cared not a jot
For in that garden he grew his pot
Which he happily smoked wih his best mate
**********
There's a lot going on at ITV
There's a lot going on at ITV
That Schofield creep and Willoughby
There's a lot going on at ITV
That Schofield creep and Willoughby
He's finished, done
There's a lot going on at ITV
That Schofield creep and Willoughby
He's finished, done
So no more fun
There's a lot going on at ITV
That Schofield creep and Willoughby
He's finished, done
So no more fun
They've had to vacate the settee.
***********
An elderly gent name of Mick
An elderly gent name of Mick
Was known to be somewhat thick
An elderly gent name of Mick
Was known to be somewhat thick
His diet was plain
An elderly gent name of Mick
Was known to be somewhat thick
His diet was plain
Just fish from the main
An elderly gent name of Mick
Was known to be somewhat thick
His diet was plain
Just fish in the main
Which he let is pussy cat lick
A lazy old man from Saint Ives
A lazy old man from Saint Ives
Believed he had several wives
A lazy old man from Saint Ives
Believed he had several wives
He had Val down the road
A lazy old man from Saint Ives
Believed he had several wives
He had Val down the road
And wild oats he sowed
A randy old man from Saint Ives
Believed he had several wives
He had six down the road
And the wild oats he sowed
Livened up all of their lives
Tracy went to the Co-Op today
Tracey went to the Co-op today
Bargain Spam was there on display
Tracey went to the Co-op today
Bargain Spam was there on display
Bypassing that she bought some whisky
Tracey went to the Co-op today
Bargain Spam was there on display
Bypassing that she bought some whisky
She likes the way it makes her frisky
racey went to the Co-op today
Bargain Spam was there on display
Bypassing that she bought some whisky
She likes the way it makes her frisky
But not how much she has to pay
There once was a copper called Bill
There once was a copper called Bill
Whose presence could give you a chill
There once was a copper called Bill
Whose presence could give you a chill
He carried a baton
There once was a copper called Bill
Whose presence could give you a chill
He carried a baton
Shouted 'Let me get at 'em'
There once was a copper called Bill
Whose presence could give you a chill
He carried a baton
Shouted 'Let me get at 'em
Cracking skulls requires all my skill
Tom loved to stroll along the shore
Tom loved to stroll along the shore
With maps and guides to places galore
Tom loved to stroll along the shore
With maps and guides to places galore
He watched the birds, he watched the waves
Tom loved to stroll along the shore
With maps and guides to places galore
He watched the birds, he watched the waves
He even ogled all the beach babes
Tom loved to stroll along the shore
With maps and guides to places galore
He watched the birds, he watched the waves
He even ogled all the beach babes
Until his eyes could see no more
**********
Mary bought a leg of lamb
Mary bought a leg of lamb
It was on special as was the ham
Mary bought a leg of lamb
It was on special as was the ham
the money she saved
Mary bought a leg of lamb
It was on special as was the ham
the money she saved
Bought the booze that she craved
Mary bought a leg of lamb
It was on special as was the ham
the money she saved
Bought the booze that she craved
Which she shared with her sister Pam
A careless young housewife from Leith
A careless young housewife from Leith
Mislaid her brand new false teeth
A careless young housewife from Leith
Mislaid her brand new false teeth
She searched everywhere
A careless young housewife from Leith
Mislaid her brand new false teeth
She searched everywhere
Ended up pulling out hair
A careless young housewife from Leith
Mislaid her brand new false teeth
She searched everywhere
Ended up pulling out hair
And blamed it on poor hubby Keith
Young Fred was a floating voter
Young Fred was a floating voter
Tories took him to vote in a big flashy motor
Young Fred was a floating voter
Tories took him to vote in a big flashy motor
But once in the booth
Young Fred was a floating voter
Tories took him to vote in a big flashy motor
But once in the booth
Out came the truth
Young Fred was a floating voter
Tories took him to vote in a big flashy motor
But once in the booth
Out came the truth
AS he put a cross were he oughter
There was a young fellow from Devizes
There was a young fellow from Devizes
Whose feet were two different sizes
There was a young fellow from Devizes
Whose feet were two different sizes
which made shopping for shoes
There was a young fellow from Devizes
Whose feet were two different sizes
Which made shopping for shoes
Bring on the blues
There was a young fellow from Devizes
Whose feet were two different sizes
Which made shopping for shoes
Bring on the blues
As he had to spend extra on prices
A lack lustre scholar at Eton
A lack lustre scholar at Eton
Each day had his backside well beaten
A lack lustre scholar at Eton
Each day had his backside well beaten
So he told his mama
A lack lustre scholar from Eton
Each day had his backside well beaten
So he told his mama
Who then told his papa
A lack lustre scholar from Eton
Each day had his backside well beaten
So he told his mama
Who then told his papa
Who said 'thats what he gets for his cheatin'
**********
An old chap from near Solihull
An old chap from near Solihull
Got crapped on by a pesky seagull
An old chap from near Solihull
Got crapped on by a pesky seagull
It was after his chips
An old chap from near Solihull
Got crapped on by a pesky seagull.
It was after his chips
And his barbecue dips
An old chap from near Solihull
Got crapped on by a pesky seagull.
It was after his chips
And his barbecue dips
When it flew off it was once again full
A nearby old codger in Sutton
A nearby old codger in Sutton
Always dined on mutton
A nearby old codger in Sutton
Always dined on mutton
With mint sauce and peas
A nearby old codger in Sutton
Always dined on mutton
With mint sauce and peas
And a strong cup of tea
A nearby old codger in Sutton
Always dined on mutton
With mint sauce and peas
And a strong cup of tea
He claimed owt else was not on
The bridegroom stood sweating in church
The bridegroom stood sweating in church
Til the bride dashed in late, from the porch
The bridegroom stood sweating in church
Til the bride dashed in late, from the porch
The best man was drunk
The bridegroom stood sweating in church
Til the bride dashed in late , from the porch
The best man was drunk
Then, with the vicar, did a bunk
The bridegroom stood sweating in church
Til the bride dashed in late , from the porch
The best man was drunk
Then, with the vicar, did a bunk
Leaving the couple in the lurch
An innocent young maid from Carlisle
An innocent young maid from Carlisle
Gave all her admirers a smile
An innocent young maid from Carlisle
Gave all her admirers a smile
But they over reacted
An innocent young maid from Carlisle
Gave all her admirers a smile
But they over reacted
and was shocked at what Sid did
An innocent young maid from Carlisle
Gave all her admirers a smile
But they over reacted
and was shocked at what Sid did
After he chased the poor girl for a mile
Boris is in a fighting mood
Boris is in a fighting mood
Someone's nicked his favourite food
Boris is in a fighting mood
Someone's nicked his favourite food
Where's my cake he cries in rage
Boris is in a fighting mood
Someone's nicked his favourite food
Where's my cake he cries in rage
But Harriet Harman gloats and says
Boris is in a fighting mood
Someone's nicked his favourite food
Where's my cake he cries in rage
But Harriet Harman gloats and says
No more cake for you've been screwed
Nicola has been pretty shrewd
Nicola has been pretty shrewd
About that campervan, which could
Nicola has been pretty shrewd
About that campervan, which could
Prove a bit of a prob
Nicola has been pretty shrewd
About that campervan, which could
Prove a bit of a prob
Cos it cost a few bob
Nicola has been pretty shrewd
About that campervan, which could
Prove a bit of a prob
Cos it cost a few bob
Allegedly fraudulently accrued
Was Rishi less chipper yesterday
Was Rishi less chipper yesterday
Because he had money to pay
Was Rishi less chipper yesterday
Because he had money to pay
A whole barge filled and more
Was Rishi less chipper yesterday
Because he had money to pay
A whole barge filled and more
Made his jaw drop down to the floor
Was Rishi less chipper yesterday
Because he had money to pay
A whole barge filled and more
Made his jaw drop down to the floor
Now what the hell will he say
Nigel predicted the boats were just waiting
Nigel predicted the boats were just waiting
The dinghies just required inflating
Nigel predicted the boats were just waiting
The dinghies just required inflating
Load 'em up then start the motor
Nigel predicted the boats were just waiting
The dinghies just required inflating
Load 'em up then start the motor
Give everyone a nice straw boater
Nigel predicted the boats were just waiting
The dinghies just required inflating
Load 'em up then start the motor
Give everyone a nice straw boater
The goods in England, they're anticipating!
**********
Is it time for a general election?
Is it time for a general election?
So the voters can give this lot a rejection
Is it time for a general election?
So the voters can give this lot a rejection
Well past that time in my view
s it time for a general election?
So the voters can give this lot a rejection
Well past that time in my view
That we got shot of this crew
Is it time for a general election?
So the voters can give this lot a rejection
Well past that time in my view
That we got shot of this motley crew
None of their policies stand inspection
But can we be sure I see you wonder
Might booting them out not be a blunder?
But can we be sure I see you wonder
Might booting them out not be a blunder?
The other lot might be worse!
But can we be sure I see you wonder
Might booting them out not be a blunder?
The other lot might be worse!
They'll need to try very hard of course.
But can we be sure I see you wonder
Might booting them out not be a blunder?
The other lot might be worse!
They'll need to try very hard of course.
And they're known for stealing other's thunder!
A weary old chap from Hong Kong
A weary old chap from Hong Kong
Wore only a black leather thong
A weary old chap from Hong Kong
Wore only a black leather thong
So he froze at the knees
A weary old chap from Hong Kong
Wore only a black leather thong
So he froze at the knees
Had his bum stung by bees
A weary old chap from Hong Kong
Wore only a black leather thong
So he froze at the knees
Had his bum stung by bees
But he wasn't convinced he was wrong.
*******
Some hundreds more sailed in today
Some hundreds more sailed in today
They never even asked if they could stay
Some hundreds more sailed in today
They never even asked if they could stay
Where's my room, my cash, my phone?
Some hundreds more sailed in today
They never even asked if they could stay
Where's my room, my cash, my phone.?
We cried 'Bollocks.. you can go back home.'
Some hundreds more sailed in today
They never even asked if they could stay
Where's my room, my cash, my phone.?
We cried 'Bollocks.. you can go back home.'
And they laughed as they settled to stay
A hapless young fellow from Neath
A hapless young fellow from Neath
Had lost about half of his teeth
A hapless young fellow from Neath
Had lost about half of his teeth
The few that remained
A hapless young fellow from Neath
Had lost about half of his teeth
The few that remained
were yellowed and stained
A hapless young fellow from Neath
Had lost about half of his teeth
The few that remained
were yellowed and stained
And he couldn't eat lamb, pork or beef.
*********
Ken liked a few pints of beer
Ken liked a few pints of beer
A dozen a night every day of the year
Ken liked a few pints of beer
A dozen a night every day of the year
He had his own stool up the pub
Ken liked a few pints of beer
A dozen a night every day of the year
He had his own stool up the pub
which he saw as his 'club'
Ken liked a few pints of beer
A dozen a night every day of the year
He had his own stool up the pub
which he saw as his 'club'
Til they chucked him out on his ear!
*******
A young man went sailing one day
A young man went sailing one day
But very soon lost his way
A young man went sailing one day
But very soon lost his way
To French waters he went
A young man went sailing one day
But very soon lost his way
To French waters he went
And a boat he did dent
A young man went sailing one day
But very soon lost his way
To French waters he went
And a boat he did dent
So got a bill he'll have to pay
Old MacDonald had a farm
Old Macdonald had a farm
The house was old and wasn't warm
ld Macdonald had a farm
The house was old and wasn't warm
so he lit a fire in the living room
Old Macdonald had a farm
The house was old and wasn't warm
So he lit a fire in the living room
To warm his hands and lift the gloom
Old Macdonald had a farm
The house was old and wasn't warm
So he lit a fire in the living room
To warm his hands and lift the gloom
But the blaze set off the fire alarm
**********
The flames licked up the farmhouse wall
The flames licked up the farmhouse wall
would the fire brigade answer the call?
The flames licked up the farmhouse wall
Would the fire brigade answer the call?
Yes here they come their blue lights flashing
The flames licked up the farmhouse wall
Would the fire brigade answer the call?
Yes here they come their blue lights flashing
Hoses out and water splashing
The flames licked up the farmhouse wall
Would the fire brigade answer the call?
Yes here they come their blue lights flashing
Hoses out and water splashing
And the dozy old farmer slept through it all.
*&*&*&*&*&*&
A builder called Bob was well known
A builder called Bob was well known
For never answering his phone
A builder called Bob was well known
For never answering his phone
He was never on time
A builder called Bob was well known
For never answering his phone
He was never on time
And overchaged by the dime
A builder called Bob was well known
For never answering his phone
He was never on time
And overcharged by the dime
He got away with that at 24 stone
Pontypandy's famous fireman Sam
Pontypandy' famous fireman Sam
with chopper and hose was a very brave man
Pontypandy' famous fireman Sam
with chopper and hose was a very brave man
No fires did he fear
Pontypandy's famous fireman Sam
With chopper and hose was a very brave man
No fires did he fear
So give him a cheer
Pontypandy's famous fireman Sam
With chopper and hose was a very brave man
No fires did he fear
So give him a cheer
When he rings the bell in his big red van.
*******
Brian thought he might like a cruise
Brian thought he might like a cruise
Replete with sunshine, fags and booze
Brian thought he might like a cruise
Replete with sunshine, fags and booze
So, a secondhand dinghy he did buy
Brian thought he might like a cruise
Replete with sunshine, fags and booze
So, a secondhand dinghy he did buy
Got rescued off Dover and started to cry
Brian thought he might like a cruise
Replete with sunshine, fags and booze
So, a secondhand dinghy he did buy
Got rescued off Dover and started to cry
He is now on a tanker with magnificent views
Maggie had a spot on the end of her nose
Maggie had a spot on the end of her nose
Bright red it was destroying her pose
Maggie had a spot on the end of her nose
Bright red it was destroying her pose
She squeezed it so hard
Maggie had a spot on the end of her nose
Bright red it was destroying her pose
She squeezed it so hard
It took out Fred in the yard
Maggie had a spot on the end of her nose
Bright red it was destroying her pose
She squeezed it so hard
It took out Fred in the yard
When he'll recover nobody knows
Pat and Mick from the Emerald Isle
Pat and Mick from the Emerald Isle
Attended a wedding dressed in style
Pat and Mick from the Emerald Isle
Attended a wedding dressed in style
Pat strummed a tune on his battered banjo
Pat and Mick from the Emerald Isle
Attended a wedding dressed in style
Pat strummed a tune on his battered banjo
Mick was at the bar with the bridesmaid, Flo
Pat and Mick from the Emerald Isle
Attended a wedding dressed in style
Pat strummed a tune on his battered banjo
Mick was at the bar with the bridesmaid, Flo
Trusting to luck and a winning smile
Brian rode on his trusty bike
Brian rode on his trusty bike
On his way to zumba, which he really liked
Brian rode on his trusty bike
On his way to zumba, which he really liked
Oh no! A puncture! A tyre is flat.
Brian rode on his trusty bike
On his way to zumba, which he really liked
Oh no! A puncture! A tyre is flat.
Then some random man stopped for a chat
About Brummies struggling with the interest rate hike.
(I couldn't resist, sorry :evil: )
********
it was Ladies Choice at the sequence dance
It was Ladies Choice at the sequence dance
Tarquin in his slinky dress jumped up to have a prance
It was Ladies Choice at the sequence dance
Tarquin in his slinky dress jumped up to have a prance
He'd been on the gin
It was Ladies Choice at the sequence dance
Tarquin in his slinky dress jumped up to have a prance
He'd been on the gin
His head started to spin
It was Ladies Choice at the sequence dance
Tarquin in his slinky dress jumped up to have a prance
He'd been on the gin
His head started to spin
But in finding a partner, he had no flipping chance!
**********
Young Bill was a huge football fan
Young Bill was a huge football fan
But a misunderstanding had earned him a ban
Young Bill was a huge football fan
But a misunderstanding had earned him a ban
'Weren't me, ref!' he cried
Young Bill was a huge football fan
But a misunderstanding had earned him a ban
'Weren't me, ref!' he cried
As a red card he spied
Young Bill was a huge football fan
But a misunderstanding had earned him a ban
'Weren't me, ref!' he cried
As a red card he espied
'I never tripped that City man'
The parking warden smiled with glee
The parking warden smiled with glee
As a pensioner's motor he did see
The parking warden smiled with glee
As a pensioner's motor he did see
He flourished his notebook and pen 🖊
The parking warden smiled with glee
As a pensioner's motor he did see
He flourished his notebook and pen 🖊
'Ho ho in an hour this makes ten'
The parking warden smiled with glee
As a pensioner's motor he did see
He flourished his notebook and pen 🖊
'Ho ho in an hour this makes ten'
Some man had told Brian 'park here, its free'!
***********
The weather was too hot for Bill
The weather was too hot for Bill
Under a tree but sweating still
The weather was too hot for Bill
Under a tree but sweltering still
He heard the thunder, saw a flash
The weather was too hot for Bill
Under a tree but sweltering still
He heard the thunder, saw a flash
Starting to rain, he'll have to dash
The weather was too hot for Bill
Under a tree but sweltering still
He heard the thunder, saw a flash
Starting to rain, he'll have to dash
Too late, he now lights up the whole of Redhill
June 23, 2023, 10:39:49 AM
Matron was doing the hospital rounds
Matron was doing the hospital rounds
When she heard some very odd sounds
Matron was doing the hospital rounds
When she heard some very odd sounds
When the curtains she parted..
Matron was doing the hospital rounds
When she heard some very odd sounds
When the curtains she parted..
T'was not for the fainthearted
Matron was doing the hospital rounds
When she heard some very odd sounds
When the curtains she parted..
T'was not for the fainthearted
Piles of 💩 mounds and mounds!! 💩 💩
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I just don't know what to think
I just don't know what to think
Something was making a terrible stink
I just don't know what to think
Something was making a terrible stink
Like a pongy dish cloth only worse
I just don't know what to think
Something was making a terrible stink
Like a pongy dish cloth only worse
Or the stuff that comes out of a horse
I just don't know what to think
Something was making a terrible stink
Like a pongy dish cloth only worse
Or the stuff that comes out of a horse
It makes me stagger and blink
A penniless fellow from Gwent
A penniless fellow from Gwent
Decided to hitch-hike to Kent
A penniless fellow from Gwent
Decided to hitch-hike to Kent
But his map was upside down
A penniless fellow from Gwent
Decided to hitch-hike to Kent
With his map upside down
He reached the wrong town
A penniless fellow from Gwent
Decided to hitch-hike to Kent
With his map upside down
He reached the wrong town
For Scotland he seemed hell bent.
********
The news is full of doom and gloom
The news is full of doom and gloom
It causes me to rant and fume
The news is full of doom and gloom
It causes me to rant and fume
Dinghies, Boris, Russian strife
The news is full of doom and gloom
It causes me to rant and fume
Dinghies, Boris, Russian strife
Any more I'll have to talk to the wife
The news is full of doom and gloom
It causes me to rant and fume
Dinghies, Boris, Russian strife
Any more I'll have to talk to the wife
And finance is full of bust and boom
Whist checking his mail one miserable day
Whilst checking his mail one miserable day
Dave saw a strange bill, asking him to pay
Whilst checking his mail one miserable day
Dave saw a strange bill, asking him to pay
Five hundred a month for household power!
Whilst checking his mail one miserable day
Dave saw a strange bill, asking him to pay
Five hundred a month for his household power!
No way could he see to make it lower
Whilst checking his mail one miserable day
Dave saw a strange bill, asking him to pay
Five hundred a month for his household power!
No way could he see to make it lower
How could he keep the bailiffs at bay?
Dave bypassed his meters electric and gas
Dave bypassed his meters electric and gas
So the money he saved he spent on his lass
Dave bypassed his meters electric and gas
So the money he saved he spent on his lass
Wined and dined her a lot
Dave bypassed his meters electric and gas
So the money he saved he spent on his lass
Wined and dined her a lot
Then his house blew up - what a clot
Dave bypassed his meters electric and gas
So the money he saved he spent on his lass
Wined and dined her a lot
Then his house blew up - what a clot
And his girl left him for being so crass
A penniless chap from Penrith
A penniless chap from Penrith
Had nothing to buy his food with
A penniless chap from Penrith
Had nothing to buy his food with
So he took out his fiddle
A penniless chap from Penrith
Had nothing to buy his food with
So he took out his fiddle
Tuned the strings with a twiddle
A penniless chap from Penrith
Had nothing to buy his food with
So he took out his fiddle
Tuned the strings with a twiddle
And begged from his kin and kith
A long time ago in the west
A long time ago in the west
Wyatt Earp had just made an arrest
A long time ago in the west
Wyatt Earp had just made an arrest
The bad guy was taken
A long time ago in the west
Wyatt Earp had just made an arrest
The bad guy was taken
Who'd save his bacon?
A long time ago in the west
Wyatt Earp had just made an arrest
The bad guy was taken
Who'd save his bacon?
Butch and Sundance will do their best.
Ethel sat waiting for Fred to come home
Ethel sat waiting for Fred to come home
She was going to cancel his right to roam
Ethel sat waiting for Fred to come home
She was going to cancel his right to roam
But when he returned with a kitten
Ethel sat waiting for Fred to come home
She was going to cancel his right to roam
But when he returned with a kitten
she was totally smitten
Ethel sat waiting for Fred to come home
She was going to cancel his right to roam
But when he returned with a kitten
she was totally smitten
And forgave him and left him alone
A foolish young man from Leicester
A foolish young man from Leicester
Thought he was a bit of a jester
A foolish young man from Leicester
Thought he was a bit of a jester
But his jokes all fell flat
A foolish young man from Leicester
Thought he was a bit of a jester
But his jokes all fell flat
And he was though a right prat
A foolish young man from Leicester
Thought he was a bit of a jester
But his jokes all fell flat
And he was thought a right prat
By all the others from Leicester
A young married couple from Rangoon
A young married couple from Rangoon
Lay together under the silvery moon
A young married couple from Rangoon
Lay together under the silvery moon
But it started to rain
A young married couple from Rangoon
Lay together under the silvery moon
But it started to rain
Then to flood - what a pain
A young married couple from Rangoon
Lay together under the silvery moon
But it started to rain
Then to flood - what a pain
But the bairn will be born soon
A desperate fellow from Leeds
A desperate fellow from Leeds
Had a garden growing nothing but weeds
A desperate fellow from Leeds
Had a garden growing nothing but weeds
He tried some weed killer
A desperate fellow from Leeds
Had a garden growing nothing but weeds
He tried some weed killer
Then planted some willow
A desperate fellow from Leeds
Had a garden growing nothing but weeds
He tried some weed killer
Then planted some willow
But he only got dandelion seeds
There once was a fellow from Tooting
There once was a fellow from Tooting
Who went on a rampage shooting
here once was a fellow from Tooting
Who went on a rampage shooting
His targets were mice
here once was a fellow from Tooting
Who went on a rampage shooting
His targets were mice
Which was not very nice
There once was a fellow from Tooting
Who went on a rampage shooting
His targets were mice
Which was not very nice
But at least he was saner than Putin!
*********
An elderly bachelor Ted
An elderly bachelor Ted
Was wont to hid in his shed
An elderly bachelor Ted
Was wont to hide in the shed
He had a kettle and pot
An elderly bachelor Ted
Was wont to hide in the shed
He had a kettle and pot
But then not a lot
An elderly bachelor Ted
Was wont to hide in the shed
He had a kettle and pot
But then not a lot
So he had to go inside to bed
************
Joe liked to have a walk each day
Joe liked to have a walk each day
And talk to dogs that he met on the way
Joe liked to have a walk each day
And talk to dogs that he met on the way
He was amazed one day when one replied
Joe liked to have a walk each day
And talk to dogs that he met on the way
He was amazed one day when one replied
And asked him please to step aside
Joe liked to have a walk each day
And talk to dogs that he met on the way
He was amazed one day when one replied
And asked him please to step aside
While he gave a lamppost a spray
I met a fellow begging today
I met a fellow begging today
Who asked for cash - well, what could I say?
I met a fellow begging today
Who asked for cash - well, what could I say?
"Get a job then you'll have some pay!"
I met a fellow begging today
Who asked for cash - well, what could I say?
"Get a job then you'll have some pay!"
Or like me, squirrel some money away
Then you can be a smartarse pensioner too one day!
(I thought you'd been hacked by Brian klondike ☺️)
****************
I thought cricket was a gentlemen's game
I thought cricket was a gentlemen's game
But sledging the Aussies put England to shame
I thought cricket was a gentlemen's game
But sledging the Aussies put England to shame
But no excuse for the tactics of Oz
I thought cricket was a gentlemen's game
But sledging the Aussies put England to shame
But no excuse for the tactics of Oz
Whose stumping behaviour wasn't sporting tha' knows
I thought cricket was a gentlemen's game
But sledging the Aussies put England to shame
But no excuse for the tactics of Oz
Whose stumping behaviour wasn't sporting tha' knows
Don't anyone dare say 'it's only a game'
A lad playing truant from school
A lad playing truant from school
Had little regard for the rules
A lad playing truant from school
Had little regard for the rules
but, seen by a teacher
A lad playing truant from school
Had little regard for the rules
But, seen by a teacher
A despicable creature
A lad playing truant from school
Had little regard for the rules
But, seen by a teacher
A despicable creature
With no time for those he called fools
A lonely old bachelor from Devon
A lonely old bachelor from Devon
Got married when he was eighty seven
A lonely old bachelor from Devon
Got married when he was eighty seven
His bride of 23 had eyes filled with glee
A lonely old bachelor from Devon
Got married when he was eighty seven
His bride of 23 had eyes filled with glee
As she seated herself on his knee
A lonely old bachelor from Devon
Got married when he was eighty seven
His bride of 23 had eyes filled with glee
As she seated herself on his knee
He died happy, she's in financial heaven.
xxxxxxxxxx
An election is needed they say
An election is needed they say
When it comes there'll be hell to pay
An election is needed they say
When it comes there'll be hell to pay
The voters get fooled
An election is needed they say
When it comes there'll be hell to pay
The voters get fooled
Can tempers be cooled?
An election is needed they say
When it comes there'll be hell to pay
The voters get fooled
Can tempers be cooled?
And some sense means Reform wins the day!
****************
Old Bert climbed on his roof to repair
Old Bert climbed on his roof to repair
Shinning up his ladder without a care
Old Bert climbed on his roof to repair
Shinning up his ladder without a care
Nearing the top he just had to stop
Old Bert climbed on his roof to repair
Shinning up his ladder without a care
Nearing the top he just had to stop
.. and climb back down for one o'clock
Old Bert climbed on his roof to repair
Shinning up his ladder without a care
Nearing the top he just had to stop
.. and climb back down for one o'clock
To go inside and wash his hair.
*************
An old girl from Leeds name of Kitty
An old girl from Leeds name of Kitty
was a spinster more's the pity
An old girl from Leeds name of Kitty
Was a spinster more's the pity
She signed up once on a dating site
An old girl from Leeds name of Kitty
Was a spinster more's the pity
She signed up once on a dating site
Giving the members such a fright
An old girl from Leeds name of Kitty
Was a spinster more's the pity
She signed up once on a dating site
Giving the members such a fright
And brought before the committee
Kitty thought they had a cheek
Kitty thought they had a cheek
So she decided her mind she'd speak
Kitty thought they had a cheek
So she decided her mind she'd speak
Nobody told me about that rule
Kitty thought they had a cheek
So she decided her mind she'd speak
Nobody told me about that rule
I may be old, but I'm real cool
Kitty thought they had a cheek
So she decided her mind she'd speak
Nobody told me about that rule
I may be old, but I'm real cool
And no-one could call me meek
A reckless young laddie from Preston
A reckless young laddie from Preston
Went out in the cold with no vest on
A reckless young laddie from Preston
Went out in the cold with no vest on
When asked why he did it
A reckless young laddie from Preston
Went out in the cold with no vest on
When asked why he did it
Said "Because Mum hid it"
A reckless young laddie from Preston
Went out in the cold with no vest on
When asked why he did it
Said "Because Mum hid it"
And I can't wear my spare, its been messed on.
*************
The tennis is all over the TV
The tennis is all over the TV
I don't watch.. it's not for me
The tennis is all over the TV
I don't watch.. it's not for me
It bores me to tears
The tennis is all over the TV
I don't watch.. it's not for me
It bores me to tears
Its not cricket, my dears 😉
he tennis is all over the TV
I don't watch.. it's not for me
It bores me to tears
Its not cricket, my dears
Now that's something I like to see!
A foolish young man from Kentucky
A foolish young man from Kentucky
Complained his fried chicken was yucky
A foolish young man from Kentucky
Complained his fried chicken was yucky
It just tastes of nowt!
A foolish young man from Kentucky
Complained his fried chicken was yucky
It just tastes of nowt!
So, he just spat it out
A foolish young man from Kentucky
Complained his fried chicken was yucky
It just tastes of nowt!
So, he just spat it out
And shouted cluck, cluck, clucky
Start the next one dextrous..
There once was a pig from Iraq
There once was a pig from Iraq
Mistakenly basted on a rack
There once was a pig from Iraq
Mistakenly basted on a rack
It sizzled with heat
There once was a pig from Iraq
Mistakenly basted on a rack
It sizzled with heat
Which melted its feet
There once was a pig from Iraq
Mistakenly basted on a rack
It sizzled with heat
Which melted its feet
And scorched all the hair from its back.
**********
An elderly doctor from Fife
An elderly doctor from Fife
Had a young and glamorous wife
An elderly doctor from Fife
Had a young and glamorous wife
who took all his money
An elderly doctor from Fife
Had a young and glamorous wife
Who took all his money
And spent it on honey
An elderly doctor from Fife
Had a young and glamorous wife
Who took all his money
And spent it on honey
Which is why she's called struggle and strife
There once was a man from Hong Kong
There once was a man from Hong Kong
Whose feet had a terrible pong
There once was a man from Hong Kong
Whose feet had a terrible pong
So he bought brand new socks
There once was a man from Hong Kong
Whose feet had a terrible pong
So he bought brand new socks
Which lasted a day then needed de-tox
new first line please
We need a last line first...
July 15, 2023, 07:35:57 AM
Last and first...
There once was a man from Hong Kong
Whose feet had a terrible pong
So he bought brand new socks
Which lasted a day then needed de-tox
I bet his shoes won't last long
There was a old fellow from Kent
There was a old fellow from Kent
Whose nose was remarkably bent
There was a old fellow from Kent
Whose nose was remarkably bent
His glasses never slid down
There was a old fellow from Kent
Whose nose was remarkably bent
His glasses never slid down
He'd a permanent frown
There was a old fellow from Kent
Whose nose was remarkably bent
His glasses never slid down
He'd a permanent frown
In all an odd looking old gent
Jim paid a visit to London Zoo
Jim paid a visit to London Zoo
And was intrigued by the kangaroo
Jim paid a visit to London Zoo
And was intrigued by the kangaroo
Could it talk like the one on the telly?
Jim paid a visit to London Zoo
And was intrigued by the kangaroo
Could it talk like the one on the telly?
and it did - his legs went to jelly
Jim paid a visit to London Zoo
And was intrigued by the kangaroo
Could it talk like the one on the telly?
And it did - his legs went to jelly
But was it joking? He hadn't a clue
There was a young fellow from Perth
There was a young fellow from Perth
embarrassed a lot by his girth
There was a young fellow from Perth
Embarrassed a lot by his girth
He got wedged in a door
There was a young fellow from Perth
Embarrassed a lot by his girth
He got wedged in a door
Then fell to the floor
There was a young fellow from Perth
Embarrassed a lot by his girth
He got wedged in a door
Then fell to the floor
And cursed for all he was worth
Joe was the kindest man in town
Joe was the kindest man in town
Any unkindness made him frown
Joe was the kindest man in town
Any unkindness made him frown
He donated food
Joe was the kindest man in town
Any unkindness made him frown
He donated food
Which made him feel good
Joe was the kindest man in town
Any unkindness made him frown
He donated food
Which made him feel good
And helped out those who were down
Rishi is hoping it's windy today
Rishi is hoping its windy today
So more of the boats will stay away
Rishi is hoping its windy today
So more of the boats will stay away
Give time to make them homes
Rishi is hoping it's windy today
So more of the boats will stay away
Give him time to make them homes
With a built in pool and mobile phones
Rishi is hoping it's windy today
So more of the boats will stay away
Give him time to make them homes
With a built in pool and mobile phones
Three square meals and a place to pray
************
Mary went to a sequence dance
Mary went to a sequence dance
Back from her hols in la belle France
Mary went to a sequence dance
Back from her hols in la belle France
She hoped that she might meet 'the one'
Mary went to a sequence dance
Back from her hols in la belle France
She hoped that she might meet 'the one'
Preferably a rich man's only son
Mary went to a sequence dance
Back from her hols in la belle France
She hoped that she might meet 'the one'
Preferably a rich man's only son
But sadly there was no romance 💘
***********
Three bye election results are in
Three bye election results are in
Only the LibDems can manage a grin
Three bye election results are in
Only the LibDems can manage a grin
One big win for Kier
Three bye election results are in
Only the LibDems can manage a grin
One big win for Kier
Mkaes Tories shake with fear
Three bye election results are in
Only the LibDems can manage a grin
One big win for Kier
Makes the Tories shake with fear
No more parties for Right Wing
July 22, 2023, 09:11:23 AM
Another day of bloody rain
Another day of bloody rain
Global warming? Perhaps in Spain
Another day of bloody rain
Global warming? Perhaps in Spain
Oi! Saying that is not allowed
Another day of bloody rain
Global warming? Perhaps in Spain
Oi! Saying that is not allowed
Ha ha, its wetting the JSO crowd
Another day of bloody rain
Global warming? Perhaps in Spain
Oi! Saying that is not allowed
Ha ha, its wetting the JSO crowd
Aha a benefit. At least that's a gain
Oh no. Another soaking tomorrow
Oh no. Another soaking tomorrow
Have you a mac that I may borrow?
Oh no. Another soaking tomorrow
Have you a mac that I may borrow?
No spare mac. Would a brolly do?
Oh no, Another soaking tomorrow
Have you a mac that I might borrow ?
No spare mac.. Would a brolly do.?
... and a pair of yellow wellies too !
Oh no, Another soaking tomorrow
Have you a mac that I might borrow ?
No spare mac.. Would a brolly do.?
... and a pair of yellow wellies too !
If i get wet, I'll be full of sorrow
There once was a fellow from Dover
There once was a fellow from Dover
Named Ben and a bit of a rover
There once was a fellow from Dover
Named Ben and a bit of a rover
He hitched up to Leeds
There once was a fellow from Dover
Named Ben and a bit of a rover
He hitched up to Leeds
To solve all his needs
There once was a fellow from Dover
Named Ben and a bit of a rover
He hitched up to Leeds
To solve all his needs
And hopefully get his leg over
Freddie's old banger died on a trip
Freddie's old banger died on a trip
He rang the AA and hoped they'd come quick
Freddie's old banger died on a trip
He rang the AA and hoped they'd come quick
The steam from the bonnet shot up in the air
Freddie's old banger died on a trip
He rang the AA and hoped they'd come quick
The steam from the bonnet shot up in the air
Better than a puncture though - he hadn't a spare
Freddie's old banger died on a trip
He rang the AA and hoped they'd come quick
The steam from the bonnet shot up in the air
Better than a puncture though- he hadn't a spare
All Freddie could do was to feel like a prick
July 24, 2023, 11:05:35 AM
It was after twelve when Cinderella got home
It was after twelve when Cinderella got home
Going up the path she knocked over a gnome
It was after twelve when Cinderella got home
Going up the path she knocked over a gnome
As the poor little fellow yelled out
It was after twelve when Cinderella got home
Going up the path she knocked over a gnome
As the poor little fellow yelled out
The ugly sisters started to pout
It was after twelve when Cinderella got home
Going up the path she knocked over a gnome
As the poor little fellow yelled out
The ugly sisters started to pout
And Prince Charming never did phone.
Sally won the Lottery , a million pounds and more
Sally won the Lottery, a million pounds and more
She wouldn't tell the the neighbours,those next door
Sally won the Lottery, a million pounds and more
She wouldn't tell the the neighbours, those next door
She bought a dress and some new 👠 shoes
Sally won the Lottery, a million pounds and more
She wouldn't tell the the neighbours, those next door
She bought a dress and some new 👠 shoes
Not to mention loads of booze
Sally won the Lottery, a million pounds and more
She wouldn't tell the the neighbours, those next door
She bought a dress and some new 👠 shoes
Not to mention loads of booze
But the booze made her drunk and the shoes made her sore
A fearless young tight rope walker
A fearless young tightrope walker
Was also a dodgy street hawker
A fearless young tightrope walker
Was also a dodgy street hawker
He sold Gucci made in China
A fearless young tightrope walker
Was also a dodgy street hawker
He sold Gucci watches made in China
And swore that none were finer
A fearless young tightrope walker
Was also a dodgy street hawker
He sold Gucci watches made in China
And swore that none were finer
But we all knew he was telling porkers!
**********
A man in a pub down in Wales
A man in a pub down in Wales
Told many unbelievable tales
A man in a pub down in Wales
Told many unbelievable tales
He said he could fly just flapping his arms
A man in a pub down in Wales
Told many unbelievable tales
He said he could fly just flapping his arms
He could cure every ailment by his magic charms
A man in a pub down in Wales
Told many unbelievable tales
He said he could fly just flapping his arms
He could cure every ailment by his magic charms
But reserved the best for his pension sales
His old mate Brian owned a talking dog
His old mate Brian owned a talking dog
He took it out at 5am to the running club, for a jog
His old mate Brian owned a talking dog
He took it out at 5am to the running club, for a jog
But it's lead it did tangle
His old mate Brian owned a talking dog
He took it out at 5am to the running club, for a jog
But it's lead it did tangle
The poor dog it did strangle
His old mate Brian owned a talking dog
He took it out at 5am to the running club, for a jog
But it's lead it did tangle
The poor dog it did strangle
Leaving Brian alone in the fog
An itinerant matador called Fernando
An itinerant matador called Fernando
Serenaded senoritas with a banjo
An itinerant matador called Fernando
Serenaded senoritas with a banjo
But his playing was bad
An itinerant matador called Fernando
Serenaded senoritas with a banjo
But his playing was bad
They all thought he was mad
An itinerant matador called Fernando
Serenaded senoritas with a banjo
But his playing was bad
They all thought he was mad
When he tried to master the tango.
**********
A bloke from the chip shop called Pete
A bloke from the chip shop called Pete
Ordered some Chinese for a treat
A bloke from the chip shop called Pete
Ordered some Chinese for a treat
But once when it came
A bloke from the chip shop called Pete
Ordered some Chinese for a treat
But once when it came
sprinkled salt and vinegar.. shame :nooo:
A bloke from the chip shop called Pete
Ordered some Chinese for a treat
But once when it came
sprinkled salt and vinegar.. shame
Pete's treat he could not eat
Sausage and mash for tea tonight
Sausage and mash for tea tonight
But the cost of it comes as a fright
Sausage and mash for dinner tonight
But the cost of it comes as a fright
Might try Lidl, they're dirt cheap
Sausage and mash for dinner tonight
But the cost of it comes as a fright
Might try Lidl, they're dirt cheap
The prices In Waitrose make me weep
Sausage and mash for dinner tonight
But the cost of it comes as a fright
Might try Lidl, they're dirt cheap
The prices In Waitrose make me weep
But don't you dare to call me tight!
A diligent copper from Hove
A diligent copper from Hove
Arrested that slimeball Gove
A diligent copper from Hove
Arrested that slimeball Gove
which made for good news
A diligent copper from Hove
Arrested that slimeball Gove
Which made for good news
As he was caught with no trews
A diligent copper from Hove
Arrested that slimeball Gove
Which made for good news
As he was caught with no trews
As his rubbish defence he wove
A charming old lady from Devizes
A charming old lady from Devizes
Ordered her knickers in multiple sizes
A charming old lady from Devizes
Ordered her knickers in multiple sizes
When asked why this was
A charming old lady from Devizes
Ordered her knickers in multiple sizes
When asked why this was
She said "just because"
A charming old lady from Devizes
Ordered her knickers in multiple sizes
From bloomers to thongs
A charming lady from Devizes
Ordered her knickers in multiple sizes
From bloomers to thongs
.. from short to longs
A charming lady from Devizes
Ordered her knickers in multiple sizes
From bloomers to thongs
.. from short to longs
All hidden beneath cunning disguises
A bellringer from Saint Ives
A bellringer from Saint Ives
Was hailed for having two wives
A bellringer from Saint Ives
Was hailed for having two wives
One nagged him all day, the other all night
A bellringer from Saint Ives
Was hailed for having two wives
One nagged him all day, the other all night
Neither could cook and both looked a fright
A bellringer from Saint Ives
Was hailed for having two wives
One nagged him all day, the other all night
Neither could cook and both looked a fright
He coud only escape by taking long drives
A young lad met a maiden fair
A young lad met a maiden fair
Who used Nice 'n Easy to colour her hair
A young lad met a maiden fair
Who used Nice 'n Easy to colour her hair
But she used it too strong
A young lad met a maiden fair
Who used Nice 'n Easy to colour her hair
But she used it too strong
It went terribly wrong
A young lad met a maiden fair
Who used Nice 'n Easy to colour her hair
But she used it too strong
It went terribly wrong
And the shade gave all a scare
Once in the wilds of Kentucky
Once in the wilds of Kentucky
A young cow hand felt lucky
Once in the wilds of Kentucky
A young cow hand felt lucky
As he rode his gray pony
Once in the wilds of Kentucky
A young cow hand felt lucky
As he rode his gray pony
He met a nice boy called Tony
Once in the wilds of Kentucky
A young cow hand felt lucky
As he rode his gray pony
He met a nice boy called Tony
And called out 'Going my way, ducky?'
An alien landing from Mars
An alien landing from Mars
Went into one of our bars
An alien landing from Mars
Went into one of our bars
after looking about
An alien landing from Mars
Went into one of our bars
After looking about
His mind filled with doubt
An alien landing from Mars
Went into one of our bars
After looking about
His mind filled with doubt
And he quickly returned via the stars
On a dull, dreary day in Madrid
On a dull, dreary day in Madrid
A cafe had a good deal on squid
On a dull, dreary day in Madrid
A cafe had a good deal on squid
All you could eat for a Euro
On a dull, dreary day in Madrid
A cafe had a good deal on squid
All you could eat for a Euro
Carlos scooped the lot into his giant sombrero
On a dull, dreary day in Madrid
A cafe had a good deal on squid
All you could eat for a Euro
Carlos scooped the lot into his giant sombrero
Then jabbed it down on his lid
A lissome young wench for Detroit
A lissom young wench from Detroit
Was always up for a 'foight'
(Mike, Detroit is really hard to rhyme with!)
A lissom young wench from Detroit
Was always up for a 'foight'
Her left hook was lethal
A lissom young wench from Detroit
Was always up for a 'foight'
Her left hook was lethal
Her head butt was equal
A lissom young wench from Detroit
Was always up for a 'foight'
Her left hook was lethal
Her head butt was equal
To watch her perform a delight
FiFi offered lessons in French
Fifi offered lessons in French
Not only smart, she was a comely wench
Fifi offered lessons in French
Not only smart, she was a comely wench
Of course her language skills were none too smart
Fifi offered lessons in French
Not only smart, she was a comely wench
Of course her language skills were none too smart
But her clothes were objets d'art
Fifi offered lessons in French
Not only smart, she was a comely wench
But her 'je nais pas'
Yep can tell you've been nodding off Milke. Possibly quite a while too :grin:
Fifi offered lessons in French
Not only smart, she was a comely wench
Of course her language skills were none too smart
But her clothes were objets d'art
Though her perfume had a terrible stench.
**********
A mystery man from the Midlands said
yep, must have dozed or summat!
A mystery man from the Midlands said
I'm in debt right over my head
A mystery man from the Midlands said
I'm in debt right over my head
If only I'd listened when Brian made mention
A mystery man from the Midlands said
I'm in debt right over my head
If only I'd listened when Brian made mention
And I had joined the company pension!
A mystery man from the Midlands said
I'm in debt right over my head
If only I'd listened when Brian made mention
And I had joined the company pension!
I'd have had loads of dosh tucked under my bed 💰💰
****************
A rather large woman in Deal
A rather large woman in Deal
Was fond of the eightsome reel
A rather large woman in Deal
Was fond of the eightsome reel
Other dancers would quake
A rather large woman in Deal
Was fond of the eightsome reel
Other dancers would quake
And the earth surely did shake
A rather large woman in Deal
Was fond of the eightsome reel
Other dancers would quake
And the earth surely did shake
As everyone's fate it did seal
A studious cleric from Rome
A studious cleric from Rome
Had a face like a gnarly old gnome
A studious cleric from Rome
Had a face like a gnarly old gnome
But his soul was so pure
A studious cleric from Rome
Had a face like a gnarly old gnome
But his soul was so pure
Any sadness he would endure
A studious cleric from Rome
Had a face like a gnarly old gnome
But his soul was so pure
Any sadness he would endure
And then he'd pack up and go home.
**********
A youngish train spotter called Bill
A youngish train spotter called Bill
Had a pretty young girlfriend called Jill
A studious cleric from Rome
Had a face like a gnarly old gnome
But his soul was so pure
And his faith was so sure
Quote from: klondike on August 05, 2023, 08:02:47 PMA studious cleric from Rome
Had a face like a gnarly old gnome
But his soul was so pure
And his faith was so sure
You've been napping...
August 05, 2023, 09:17:49 PMA youngish train spotter called BillHad a pretty young girlfriend called Jill On platforms they stood
A youngish train spotter called Bill
Had a pretty young girlfriend called Jill
On platforms they stood
Whenever they could
Quote from: GrannyMac on August 05, 2023, 09:15:09 PMYou've been napping...
Guilty as charged
A youngish train spotter called Bill
Had a pretty young girlfriend called Jill
On platforms they stood
Whenever they could
When a stem train came past - what a thrill!
A foolish old man from Darjeeling
A foolish old man from Darjeeling
Was keen to express all his feelings
A foolish old man from Darjeeling
Was keen to express all his feelings
So he wrote them all down
A foolish old man from Darjeeling
Was keen to express all his feelings
So he wrote them all down
As he drove through the town
A foolish old man from Darjeeling
Was keen to express all his feelings
So he wrote them all down
As he drove through the town
And wrote them again on his ceiling
A well-meaning schoolboy from Preston
A well-meaning schoolboy from Preston
Made sure he always had a clean vest on
A well-meaning schoolboy from Preston
Made sure he always had a clean vest on
Which his mum washed and dried
A well- meaning schoolboy from Preston
Made sure he always had a clean vest on
Which his mum washed and dried
Using Persil... with pride
A well- meaning schoolboy from Preston
Made sure he always had a clean vest on
Which his mum washed and dried
Using Persil... with pride
As she did with the clothes he had the rest on
Then once was a dwarf from a forest
There once was a dwarf from a forest
Who for lack of a rhyme became a florist
There once was a dwarf from a forest
Who for lack of a rhythm became a florist
He sold dandelion bunches
There once was a dwarf from a forest
Who for lack of a rhythm became a florist
He sold dandelion bunches
to people with hunches
There once was a dwarf from a forest
Who for lack of a rhyme became a florist
He sold dandelion bunches
to people with hunches
But gave them away to the poorest...
**********
A bookie from Glasgow called Ken
A bookie from Glasgow called Ken
Enjoyed a tipple now and then
A bookie from Glasgow called Ken
Enjoyed a tipple now and then
While calling the odds
A bookie from Glasgow called Ken
Enjoyed a tipple now and then
While calling the odds
To the poor losing sods
A bookie from Glasgow called Ken
Enjoyed a tipple now and then
While calling the odds
To the poor losing sods
And giving away the free pens
***********
Three old friends went to the pub
Three old friends went to the pub
They ordered the pie from the pub grub
Three old friends went to the pub
They ordered the pie from the pub grub
One took a peek at the meat inside
Three friends went to the pub
They ordered the pie from the pub grub
One took a peek at the meat inside
'It's roadkill ' all three of them cried
Three friends went to the pub
They ordered the pie from the pub grub
One took a peek at the meat inside
'It's roadkill ' all three of them cried
And hedgehog, there's the rub!
A foolish young fellow from Gloucester
A foolish young fellow from Gloucester
Took his girl for a coffee at Costa
A foolish young fellow from Gloucester
Took his girl for a coffee at Costa
The cost made him groan
A foolish young fellow from Gloucester
Took his girl for a coffee at Costa
The cost made him groan
His budget was blown
A foolish young fellow from Gloucester
Took his girl for a coffee at Costa
The cost made him groan
His budget was blown
And his moans meant he lost her
A reckless young jockey from Aintree
A reckless young jockey from Aintree
Went on a short visit to Braintree
A reckless young jockey from Aintree
Went on a short visit to Braintree
were his saddle got lost
A reckless young jockey from Aintree
Went on a short visit to Braintree
Where his saddle got lost
And he fell off his horse
A reckless young jockey from Aintree
Went on a short visit to Braintree
Where his saddle got lost
And he fell off his horse
But at least his fall was pain free
A very keen copper from Fife
A very keen copper from Fife
Put his job before his young wife
A very keen copper from Fife
Put his job before his young wife
Which killed off the bliss
A very keen copper from Fyfe
Put his job before his young wife
Which killed off the bliss
So there weren't any kids
A very keen copper from Fyfe
Put his job before his young wife
Which killed off the bliss
So there weren't any kids
To carry on the line of his life
A gormless young man from Treochy
A gormless young man from Treochy
Annoyed others by being too cocky
A gormless young man from Treochy
Annoyed others by being too cocky
Decided cricket was too hard
A gormless young man from Treochy
Annoyed others by being too cocky
Decided cricket was too hard
And just sat in his yard
A gormless young man from Treochy
Annoyed others by being too cocky
Decided cricket was too hard
And just sat in his yard
Trying to knock up a dish of Gnocchi
Molly's corset was far too tight
Molly's corset was far too tight
She couldn't breathe and had a fright
Molly's corset was far too tight
She couldn't breathe and had a fright
Suppose she fainted in the street?
Molly's corset was far too tight
She couldn't breathe and had a fright
Suppose she fainted in the street?
Lets hope her underwear was neat!
Molly's corset was far too tight
She couldn't breathe and had a fright
Suppose she fainted in the street?
Could she pretend it was the heat?
Molly's corset was much too tight
She couldn't breathe and had a fright
Suppose she fainted in the street ?
Could she pretend it was the heat?
If it wasn't December then she might.
The queue for the dentist went round the block
The queue for the dentist went round the block
Had he forgotten to set his alarm clock?
The queue for the dentist went round the block
Had he forgotten to set his alarm clock?
Patient patients there were none
The queue for the dentist went round the block
Had he forgotten to set his alarm clock?
Patient patients there were none
They all stood roasting in the sun
The queue for the dentist went round the block
Had he forgotten to set his alarm clock?
Patient patients there were none
They all stood roasting in the sun
Some giving the door a tremendous knock
Betty awaited the bus in vain
Betty awaited the bus in vain
So unhappily made for the train
Betty awaited the bus in vain
So unhappily made for the train
Long delays. Wet leaves on line
Betty awaited the bus in vain
So unhappily made for the train
Long delays. Wet leaves on line
So the eight o'clock left at nine
Betty awaited the bus in vain
So unhappily made for the train
Long delays. Wet leaves on line
So the eight o'clock left at nine
Trying her best had been in vain
Bill was waving his union banner
Bill was waving his union banner
Which he'd bought for two and a tanner
Bill was waving his union banner
Which he'd bought for two and a tanner
"Save our Jobs" the banner said
Bill was waving his union banner
Which he'd bought for two and a tanner
"Save our Jobs" the banner said
Written in letters of deepest red
Bill was waving his union banner
Which he'd bought for two and a tanner
"Save our Jobs" the banner said
Written in letters of deepest red
Which he waved in an aggressive manner
new first line, please
Ruthio is not a regular visitor so I'll add one...
Ruthio popped in and finished our rhyme
Ruthio popped in and finished our rhyme
But then popped out for quite a long time
Ruthio popped in and finished our rhyme
But then popped out for quite a long time
Our limerics sometimes take an odd direction
Ruthio popped in and finished our rhyme
But then popped out for quite a long time
Our limerics sometimes take an odd direction
Many apologies and much affection xxx
Ruthio popped in and finished our rhyme
But then popped out for quite a long time
Our limerick sometimes take an odd direction
Many apologies and much affection xxx
We will let you off.. everything's fine
August 12, 2023, 10:12:13 AM
My minds gone blank I'm lost for words
My minds gone blank I'm lost for words
My wits are gone away with the birds
My minds gone blank I'm lost for words
My wits are gone away with the birds
I'm trying hard but to no avail
My minds gone blank I'm lost for words
My wits are gone away with the birds
I'm trying hard but to no avail
No what I try, I'm sure I'll fail
My minds gone blank I'm lost for words
My wits are gone away with birds
I'm trying hard but to no avail
So what I try, I'm sure to fail
I guess we're just a bunch of nerds
Agnes is marrying Fred today
Agnes is marrying Fred today
Fourth time each - ones bound to stray
Agnes is marrying Fred today
Fourth time each - ones bound to stray
But at least it keeps the vicar busy
Agnes is marry Fred today
Fourth time each- ones bound to stray
But at least it keeps the vicar busy
Although the organist is feeling dizzy
A miserable old man from Newcastle
Agnes is marrying Fred today
Fourth time each- ones bound to stray
But at least it keeps the vicar busy
Although the organist is feeling dizzy
With all the tunes he's been asked to play.
August 13, 2023, 07:23:23 PM
Mike, you didn't finish the last one, I've sorted it, now we'll go with your new one. ☺️
A miserable old man from Newcastle
Thought getting dressed was a hassle
whoops - never could count!
A miserable old man from Newcastle
Thought getting dressed was a hassle
So he slobbed through the day
A miserable old man from Newcastle
Thought getting dressed was a hassle
So he slobbed through the day
And in his bed he did lay
A miserable old man from Newcastle
Thought getting dressed was a hassle
So he slobbed through the day
And in his bed he did lay
til the postie brought him a parcel
A reckless young bikie from Deal
A reckless young biker from Deal
Rode up the street on one wheel
A reckless young biker from Deal
Rode up the street on one wheel
He said 'look, no hands'
I'm
A reckless young biker from Deal
Rode up the street on one wheel
He said 'look, no hands'
Hit a car and a van
A reckless young biker from Deal
Rode up the street on one wheel
He said 'look, no hands'
Hit a car and a van
So was late delivering the meal
I'm waiting for DHL to call
I'm waiting for DHL to call
After ten days it's beginning to pall
I'm waiting for DHL to call
After ten days it's beginning to pall
I've ordered a wig, high heels and a dress
I'm waiting for DHL to call
After ten days it's beginning to pall
I've ordered a wig, high heels and a dress
I'd get them in the high street for less
I'm waiting for DHL to call
After ten days it's beginning to pall
I've ordered a wig, high heels and a dress
I'd get them in the high street for less
They won't come in time for the Gay Pride Ball
Lily had a crush on the bin man
Lily had a crush on the bin man
Known by the ladies as Sultry Stan
Lily had a crush on the bin man
Known by the ladies as Sultry Sam
He knew how to spin a wheelie
Lily had a crush on the bin man
Known by the ladies as Sultry Sam
He knew how to spin wheelie
And boasted quite freely
Lily had a crush on the bin man
Known by ladies as Sultry Sam
He knew how to spin a wheelie
And boasted quite freely
He knew a tin from a can
A stranger strolled in to town
A stranger strolled in to town
A right old misery with a permanent frown
A stranger strolled in to town
A right old misery with a permanent frown
But after several pints of ale
A stranger strolled in to town
A right old misery with a permanent frown
But after several pints of ale
He started the strangest tale
A stranger strolled in to town
A right old misery with a permanent frown
But after several pints of ale
He started the strangest tale
Of his days as a circus clown
A friendly old man from Wapping
A friendly old man from Wapping
Thought his approach to folk was topping
A friendly old man from Wapping
Thought his approach to folk was topping
He would lift his hat and bow his head
A friendly old man from Wapping
Thought his approach to folk was topping
He would lift his hat and bow his head
And greet them with 'Hello, my name's Fred
a friendly old man from Wapping
Thought his approach to folk was topping
He would lift his hat and bow his head
And greet them with 'Hello, my name is Fred'
'I've just popped out to do some shopping'
The Germans had taken all the sun beds
The Germans had taken every sun bed
Leaving the Brits all seeing red
Sorry for the slight mod but beds was a bugger to rhyme.
Posting hard to rhyme lines is Mike's job I'll have you know.
:grin:
You are right...
The Germans have taken every sun bed
Leaving the Brits all seeing red
So they got up at four...
Threw the towels on the floor
The Germans have taken every sun bed
Leaving the Brits all seeing red
So they got up at four...
Threw the towels on the floor
And everything else in the Med
A butcher scattered sawdust on his floor
A butcher scattered sawdust on his floor
His shop was open from eight til four
A butcher scattered sawdust on his floor
His shop was open from eight til four
Famous for his first class chops
A butcher scattered sawdust on his floor
His shop was open from eight til four
Famous for his first class chops
Which he sold cheap to cops
A butcher scattered sawdust on his floor
His shop was open from eight til four
Famous for his first class chops
Which he sold cheap to cops
After hours, from the back door.
**********
Robin Hood had some merry men
Robin Hood had some merry men
One called Len , the other Ben
Robin Hood had some merry men
One called Len , the other Ben
In Sherwood they did hide
Robin Hood had some merry men
One called Len , the other Ben
In Sherwood they did hide
Taking the Sheriff for a ride
Robin Hood had some merry men
One called Len , the other Ben
In Sherwood they did hide
Taking the Sheriff for a ride
Release me, he cried again and again
Betty Bowler was somewhat tubby
Betty Bowler was somewhat tubby
Nice and squidgy said her hubby
Betty Bowler was somewhat tubby
Nice and squidgy said her hubby
And a brilliant shade from the glaring sun
Betty Bowler was somewhat tubby
Nice and squidgy said her hubby
And a brilliant shade from the glaring sun
Even if it made her mascara run
Betty Bowler was somewhat tubby
Nice and squidgy said her hubby
And a brilliant shade from the glaring sun
Even if it made her mascara run
Which made her look a little grubby
Joe stopped for a break at a greasy spoon
Joe stopped for a break at a greasy spoon
Read 'Half price breakfasts' and was over the moon
Joe stopped for a break at the greasy spoon
Read 'Half price breakfasts ' and was over the moon
He had three eggs six rashers and double fried bread
Joe stopped for a break at the greasy spoon
Read 'Half price breakfasts ' and was over the moon
He had three eggs six rashers and double fried bread
Which made his stomach heavy as lead
Joe stopped for a break at the greasy spoon
Read 'Half price breakfasts' and was over the moon
He had tree eggs six rashers and double fried bread
Which made his stomach heavy as lead
He won't be returning anytime soon.... He's dead.!!!
I know.. I know !! couldn't help myself..
The village idiot was doing the rounds
The village idiot was doing the rounds
But found the pubs all out of bounds
The village idiot was doing the rounds
But found the pubs all out of bounds
Except Witherspoon.. They accept all
The village idiot was doing the rounds
But found the pubs all out of bounds
Except Witherspoon.. They accept all
The long, the short and the tall
The village idiot was doing the rounds
But found the pubs all out of bounds
Except Witherspoon.. They accept all
The long, the short and the tall
Even people who are walking their hounds
**********
The courting couple went for a walk
The courting couple went for a walk
Hand in hand in the main street of Cork
The courting couple went for a walk
Hand in hand in the main street of Cork
Patrick was wearing his lucky hat
The courting couple went for a walk
Hand in hand in the main street of Cork
Patrick was wearing his lucky hat
And Maureen joshed him for being fat
The courting couple went for a walk
Hand in hand in the main street of Cork
Patrick was wearing his lucky hat
And Maureen joshed him for being so fat
After that.. they never again did talk
'Hiya ma'am ' the cowboy said
Hiya ma'am ' the cowboy said
She took one look and then she fled! 🤯
'Hiya ma'am' the cowboy said
She took one look and then she fled !
He held his lasso ready to throw
'Hiya ma'am' the cowboy said
She took one look and then she fled !
He held his lasso ready to throw
Whirling it round just like a pro
'Hiya ma'am' the cowboy said
She took one look and then she fled !
He held his lasso ready to throw
Whirling it round just like a pro
And nearly took off the lady's head.
***** ***** *****
Daisy sat in the sun all day
Daisy sat in the sun all day
No dinner on. There'd be hell to pay
Daisy sat in the sun all day
No dinner on. There'd be hell to pay
But did she care? No, not her
Daisy sat in the sun all day
No dinner on. There'd be hell to pay
But did she care ? No, not her
Tesco were delivering a meal for four
Daisy sat in the sun all day
No dinner on. There'd be hell to pay
But did she care ? No, not her
Tesco were delivering a meal for four
She'd invited her in-laws round to stay
A careless young man from Penzance
A careless young man from Penzance
Led the women a merry dance
A careless young man from Penzance
Led the women a merry dance
But they loved his charming ways
A careless young man from Penzance
Led the women a merry dance
But they loved his charming ways
Not knowing he was gay
A careless young man from Penzance
Led the women on a merry dance
But they loved his charming ways
Not knowing he was gay
Until one night after Peggy took a chance
August 23, 2023, 04:39:42 PM
The red feather hat was in the SALE
A careless young man from Penzance
Led the women a merry dance
But they loved his charming ways
And slick turn of phrase
Quote from: klondike on August 23, 2023, 05:28:36 PMA careless young man from Penzance
Led the women a merry dance
But they loved his charming ways
And slick turn of phrase
That's been finished, and a new one started....😴
The red feather hat was in the SALE
But when Jean saw the price, she turned quite pale
The red feather hat was in the SALE
But when Jean saw the price, she turned quite pale
Thirty quid for that little thing?
The red feather hat was in the SALE
But when Jean saw the price, she turned quite pale
Thirty quid for that little thing?
I didn't spend that on my wedding ring!
The red feather hat was in the SALE
But when Jean saw the price, she turned quite pale
Thirty quid for that little thing?
I didn't spend that on my wedding ring!
She cried out in a wail
Tracy tells me lamb's on special today
Tracy tells me lamb's on special today
What's special is the price you must pay
Tracy tells me lamb's on special today
What's special is the price you must pay
But two legs you get free wine
Tracey tells me lamb's on special today
What's special is the price you pay
Buy two legs you get free wine
Buy Spam and beans if your skint ,that's fine
Tracey tells me lamb's on special today
What's special is the price you pay
Buy two legs you get free wine
Buy Spam and beans if your skint ,that's fine
Or just pop to the chippy, its on the way.
*************
William's train was very slow
William's train was very slow
Wrong type of leaves they'll have us know
William's train was very slow
Wrong type of leaves they'll have us know
It would be as quick to walk
William's train was very slow
Wrong type of leaves they'll have us know
It would be as quick to walk
But a bit far from Leeds to York
William's train was very slow
Wrong type of leaves they'll have us know
It would be as quick to walk
But a bit far from Leeds to York
Any longer they will be blaming SNOW
August 25, 2023, 08:07:10 AM
Charlie's cucumber was 'best' in show
Charlie's cucumber was 'best' in show
That's a marrow said one in the know
Charlie's cucumber was 'best' in show
That's a marrow said one in the know
The row got heated and turned into a fight
Charlie's cucumber was 'best' in show
That's a marrow said one in the know
The row got heated and turned into a fight
So they got bunged in the cells for the night
Charlie's cucumber was 'best' in show
That's a marrow said one in the know
The row got heated and turned into a fight
So they got bunged in the cells for the night
Where Charlie and Ron fell in love.. Oh No !!!
The Spanish beach was full of Brits
The Spanish beach was full of Brits
Which sent all the locals into fits
The Spanish beach was full of Brits
Which sent all the locals into fits
All they want is chips and beer
The Spanish beach was full of Brits
Which sent all the locals into fits
All they want is chips and beer
ANd wander along the nearest pier
The Spanish beach was full of Brits
Which sent all the locals into fits
All they want is chips and beer
And wander along the nearest pier
Ogling all the ladies' .....in their woolly knits 😄
**********
The Blackpool lights are pretty bright
The Blackpool lights are pretty bright
Lighting up September skies each night
The Blackpool lights are pretty bright
Lighting up September skies each night
But behind the front its pretty grim
The Blackpool lights are pretty bright
Lighting up September skies each night
But behind the front its pretty grim
To walk alone risks life and limb
The Blackpool lights are pretty bright
Lighting up September skies each night
But behind the front its pretty grim
To walk alone risks life and limb
But carry a big stick to give muggers a fright
As the sun sinks slowly in the far distant west
As the sun sinks slowly in the far distant West
The peaceful evening was ruined by a pest
As the sun sinks slowly in the far distant West
The peaceful evening was ruined by a pest
A drunken barbeque party next door
As the sun sinks slowly in the West
The peaceful evening was ruined by a pest
A drunken barbeque party next door
There must have been over 100 , or more !!!
As the sun sinks slowly in the West
The peaceful evening was ruined by a pest
A drunken barbeque party next door
There must have been over 100 , or more !!!
And most of them not even a guest
A foolish young man from Kentucky
A foolish young man from Kentucky
Wondered why he never got lucky
A foolish young man from Kentucky
Wondered why he never got lucky
So he went to a sage for advice
A foolish young man from Kentucky
Wondered why he never got lucky
So he went to a sage for advice
£50 for this charm and you'll be rich in a trice!
A foolish young man from Kentucky
Wondered why he never got lucky
So he went to a sage for advice
£50 for this charm and you'll be rich in a trice!
He said 'you must be kidding ducky'.
***** *****
Mary went to the Super Store
Mary went to the Super Store
Bumped her car and how she swore
Mary went to the Super Store
Bumped her car and how she swore
The parking spaces weren't wide
Mary went to the Super Store
Bumped her car and how she swore
The parking spaces weren't wide
So she was stuck inside
Mary went to a Super Store
Bumped her car and how she swore
The parking spaces weren't wide
So she was stuck inside
For 4 hours or more
The spot on her nose got bigger and bigger
The spot on her nose got bigger and bigger
How to get rid, she couldn't figure
The spot on her nose got bigger and bigger
How to get rid, she couldn't figure
Then thought, some cream applied with care
The spot on her nose got bigger and bigger
How to get rid, she couldn't figure
Then thought, some cream applied with care
And a quick adjustment of her hair
he spot on her nose got bigger and bigger
How to get rid, she couldn't figure
Then thought, some cream applied with care
And a quick adjustment of her hair
But even then all would just snigger
A surly old farmer from Devon
A surly old farmer from Devon
When his time came prayed for Heaven
A surly old farmer from Devon
When his time came prayed for Heaven
But Saint Peter said 'Nay'
A surly old farmer from Devon
When his time came prayed for Heaven
But Saint Peter said 'Nay'
And turned him away
A surly old farmer from Devon
When his time came prayed for Heaven
But Saint Peter said 'Nay'
And turned him away
But told him to come back at seven
A gallant young fellow from Dartford
A surly old farmer from Devon
When his time came prayed for Heaven
But Saint Peter said 'Nay'
'It's downstairs you must stay'
A surly old farmer from Devon
When his time came prayed for Heaven
But Saint Peter said 'Nay'
'It's downstairs you must stay'
And study the SINS, which are seven
Pat was expecting a baby
seems to have got in a bit of a mix
Quote from: Michael Rolls on August 30, 2023, 05:40:21 PMseems to have got in a bit of a mix
My bad - using new posts button landed me on an earlier page. The legitimate first line is
A gallant young fellow from Dartford
Faced the dragon with his trusty sword
A gallant young fellow from Dartford
Faced the dragon with his trusty sword
The flames burnt his beard
A gallant young fellow from Dartford
Faced the dragon with his trusty sword
The flames burnt his beard
But he never feared
A gallant young fellow from Dartford
Faced the dragon with his trusty sword
The flames burnt his beard
But he never feared
And rarely ever was bored
A cheery old fellow kept sheep
A cheery old fellow kept sheep
His daughter was little Bo-Peep
A cheery old fellow kept sheep
His daughter was little Bo-Peep
Her flocks kept going missing
A cheery old fellow kept sheep
His daughter was little Bo-Peep
Her flocks kept going missing
Where they went kept all guessing
A cheery old fellow kept sheep
His daughter was little Bo-Peep
Her flocks kept going missing
Where they went kept all guessing
Whilst Bo-Peep was soundly asleep
****** ******
An old chap who lived near the coast
An old chap who lived near the coast
Was startled one night by a smuggler's ghost
An old chap who lived near the coast
Was startled one night by a smuggler's ghost
As he cried out in fear
An old chap who lived near the coast
Was startled one night by a smuggler's ghost
As he cried out in fear
The ghost started to jeer
An old chap who lived near the coast
Was startled one night by a smuggler's ghost
As he cried out in fear
The ghost started to jeer
And said now you are toast!
A reckless young fellow from Brighton
A reckless young fellow from Brighton
Would speed in his car with no lights on
A reckless young fellow from Brighton
Would speed in his car with no lights on
Til he rounded a bend
A reckless young fellow from Brighton
Would speed in his car with no lights on
Til he rounded a bend
Narrowly missing a friend
A reckless young fellow from Brighton
Would speed in his car with no lights on
Til he rounded a bend
Narrowly missing a friend
Which gave him an awful fright on
A elderly cleric from Cork
An elderly cleric from Cork
Never ate with a knife or a fork
An elderly cleric from Cork
Never ate with a knife or a fork
So he relied on a spoon
An elderly cleric from Cork
Never ate with a knife or a fork
So he relied on a spoon
Though he found pretty soon
An elderly cleric from Cork
Never ate with a knife or a fork
So he relied on a spoon
Though he found pretty soon
It wasn't much use to cut pork
A hard up fellow from Leicester
A hard up fellow from Leicester
Was known to be quite a jester
A hard up fellow from Leicester
Was known to be quite a jester
His favorite jape
A hard up fellow from Leicester
Was known to be quite a jester
His favorite jape
Was to wear only a cape
A hard up fellow from Leicester
Was known to be quite a jester
His favorite jape
Was to wear only a cape
A wave a pigs bladder to pester
Harry wrote a book one day
Harry wrote a book one day
A fairy tale.. 12 Quid to pay
Harry wrote a book one day
A fairy tale.. 12 Quid to pay
but his spelling was poor
Harry wrote a book one day
A fairy tale.. 12 Quid to pay
Wait and Poundland will have it for one
Harry wrote a book one day
A fairy tale.. 12 Quid to pay
Wait and Poundland will have it for one
So I'll buy a copy for my son
Harry wrote a book one day
A fairy tale.. 12 Quid to pay
Wait and Poundland will have it for one
So I'll buy a copy for my son
For Christmas, and hide it away
***********
A wife was top of Harry's list
A wife was top of Harry's list
Because he wondered what he'd missed
A wife was top of Harry's list
Because he wondered what he'd missed
A blonde, redhead, or mousey brown
A wife was top of Harry's list
Because he wondered what he'd missed
A blonde, redhead, or mousey brown
Anyone willing within the town
A wife was top of Harry's list
Because he wondered what he had missed
A blonde, redhead, or mousey brown
Anyone willing within the town
Even a big one he would risk
The fortune teller looked in her ball
The fortune teller looked in her ball
Her client looked headed for a fall
The fortune teller looked in her ball
Her client looked headed for a fall
Should she tell ,or hold her tongue
The fortune teller looked in her ball
Her client looked headed for a fall
Should she tell or hold her tongue
Which tale would get the biggest bung
The fortune teller looked in her ball
Her client looked headed for a fall
Should she tell or hold her tongue
Which tale would get the biggest bung
But the client ran off without paying at all
A man went fishing far out at sea
A man went fishing far out at sea
Unloaded his catch when he docked at the quay
A man went fishing far out at sea
Unloaded his catch when he docked at the Quay
Caught in his net was a Mermaid fair
A man went fishing far out at sea
Unloaded his catch when he docked at the quay
Caught in his net was a Mermaid fair
All curves and smiles and long blonde hair
A man went fishing far out at sea
Unloaded his catch when he docked at the quay
Caught in his net was a Mermaid fair
All curves and smiles and long blonde hair
So he gave her a guided tour, all for free
Mary had a little lamb with fleece as black as soot
Mary had a little lamb with fleece as black a soot
And everywhere the lamb did go black marks were underfoot
Mary had a little lamb with fleece as black a soot
And everywhere the lamb did go black marks were underfoot
Mary popped it in the tub one day
Mary had a little lamb with fleece as black as soot
And everywhere the lamb did go black marks were underfoot
Mary popped it in the tub one day
Boiled.... with mint sauce.. Very tasty I might say
Mary had a little lamb with fleece as black as soot
And everywhere the lamb did go black marks were underfoot
Mary popped it in the tub one day
Boiled.... with mint sauce.. Very tasty I might say
And no more mess upon the floor where a sooty foot was put.
Amazon came to Charlies door while he sat on the loo
Amazon came to Charlie's door while he sat on the loo
At least by ordering on line he didn't have to queue
Amazon came to Charlie's door while he sat on the loo
At least by ordering on line he didn't have to queue
He answered the bell with an app on his phone
Please leave it next door as I'm on the throne
[sorry for doing 2]
Amazon came to Charlie's door while he sat on the loo
At least by ordering on line he didn't have to queue
He answered the bell with an app on his phone
Please leave it next door as I'm on the throne
And next door of course is - Number 2! ☺️
******* *****
The heat was really getting to Fred
The heat was really getting to Fred
At thirty degrees it was boiling his head
The heat was really getting to Fred
At thirty degrees it was boiling his head
He left a puddle wherever he sat
Klondike.. Your two lines (Above) was so clever ...
The heat was really getting to Fred
At thirty degrees it was boiling his head
He left a puddle wherever he sat
But always blamed the family cat
The heat was really getting to Fred
At thirty degrees it was boiling his head
He left a puddle wherever he went
But always blamed the family cat
Something tells me to bring back this thread
FUBAR to me I'll start a new one
Donald loved his ginger hair
Donald loved his ginger hair
He wore it long, he had some flair
Donald loved his ginger hair
He wore it long, he had some flair
But two long plaits seemed rather odd
Donald loved his ginger hair
He wore it long, he had some flair
But two long plaits seemed rather odd
For a brickie carrying a hod
Donald loved his ginger hair
He wore it long, he had some flair
But two long plaits seemed rather odd
For a brickie carrying a hod
But Donald just tossed his head and said he just didn't care
Carrie-Anne was a determined young lass
Carrie-Anne was a determined young lass
She fancied Dave and made a pass
Carrie-Anne was a determined young lass
She fancied Dave and made a pass
But Dave said 'Nay'
Carrie-Anne was a determined young lass
She fancied Dave and made a pass
But Dave fancied Eric the local brickie
????
ooop's... Sorry Michael..
you're forgiven!
Carrie-Anne was a determined young lass
She fancied Dave and made a pass
But Dave fancied Eric the local brickie
Who was prone to throwing a sickie
Carrie-Anne was a determined young lass
She fancied Dave and made a pass
But Dave fancied Eric the local brickie
Who was prone to throwing a sickie
And sadly sometimes passing gas
The scrapman's van was cruising the town
The scrapman's van was cruising the town
Looking for anything not yet tied down
The scrapman's van was cruising the town
Looking for anything not yet tied down
Broken tellies and a washing machine
The scrapman's van was cruising the town
Looking for anything not yet tied down
Broken tellies and a washing machine
An old bit of fencing, painted green
The scrapman's van was cruising the town
Looking for anything not yet tied down
Broken tellies and a washing machine
An old bit of fencing, painted green
Which made him utter an obscene noun
Nobody knew where the new vicar came from
Nobody knew were the new vicar came from
He spoke in Welsh but wore a sporran
Nobody knew were the new vicar came from
He spoke in Welsh but wore a sporran
But without a kilt it was a bit twee
Nobody knew were the new vicar came from
He spoke in Welsh but wore a sporran
But without a kilt it was a bit twee
At least it covered the bits that were hanging free
Nobody knew were the new vicar came from
He spoke in Welsh but wore a sporran
But without a kilt it was a bit twee
At least it covered the bits that were hanging free
What they bargained for, they got more than!
*******. *******
Mary's pet was a miniature goat
Mary's pet was a miniature goat
So small it hid in her coat
Mary's pet was a miniature goat
So small she hid it in her coat
I know that's true I heard it bleating
Mary's pet was a miniature goat
So small she hid it in her coat
I know that's true I heard it bleating
She even took it to a meeting
Mary's pet was a miniature goat
So small she hid it in her coat
I know that's true I heard it bleating
She even took it to a meeting
The chairman let it have a vote.
**********
Melvin struggled with the heat
Melvin struggled with the heat
It really knocked him off his feet
Melvin struggled with the heat
It really knocked him off his feet
Over he went in aisle twenty three
Melvin struggled with the heat
It really knocked him off his feet
Over he went in aisle twenty three
Twisting his ankle and his knee
Melvin struggled with the heat
It really knocked him off his feet
Over he went in aisle twenty three
Twisting his ankle and his knee
He never got to purchase some meat
The doctor said ' Keep taking the pills'
The doctor said 'Keep taking the pills'
They are a cure for all your ills
The doctor said 'Keep taking the pills'
They are a cure for all your ills
Just ignore the voices and that man in the pub
The doctor said 'Keep taking the pills'
They are a cure for all your ills
Just ignore the voices and that man in the pub
The councillors don't get free booze and grub
The doctor said 'Keep taking the pills'
They are a cure for all your ills
Just ignore the voices and that man in the pub
The councillors don't get free booze and grub
Maybe stop paying your daughters bills
A peculiar stranger rode into town
A peculiar stranger rode into town
His very oddness made people frown
A peculiar stranger rode into town
His very oddness made people frown
He said he was sent to teach
A peculiar stranger rode into town
His very oddness made people frown
He said he was sent to teach
But gave the impression it was more to preach
A peculiar stranger rode into town
His very oddness made people frown
He said he was sent to teach
But gave the impression it was more to preach
And was proved to be a 'know all' clown
New one Scrumpy?
Sally put her best frock on and red shoes upon her feet
Sally put her best frock on and red shoes upon her feet
With face made up, hair nicely coiffed, she looked a perfect treat
Sally put her best frock on and red shoes upon her feet
With face made up, hair nicely coiffed, she looked a perfect treat
What have you forgotten? Some wretch snickers
Sally put her best frock on and red shoes upon her feet
With face made up,hair nicely coiffed, she looked a perfect treat
What have you forgotten ? Some wretch snickers
'My hat's not red, so it's not my knickers '
Sally put her best frock on and red shoes upon her feet
With face made up,hair nicely coiffed, she looked a perfect treat
What have you forgotten ? Some wretch snickers
'My hat's not red, so it's not my knickers '
with that confirmed she went to her meet
There was a poor man from Dunedin
Dunedin.. I am not sure how to pronounce that name.
There was a poor man from Dunedin
Whose nose was continually bleeding
There was a poor man from Dunedin
Whose nose was continually bleeding
When aske why this was
There was a poor man from Dunedin
Whose nose was continually bleeding
When asked why this was
He replied 'ask my boss'
There was a poor man from Dunedin
Whose nose was continually bleeding
When asked why this was
He replied 'ask my boss'
'about my pay rise that made him seething'
Alexa said it will rain at ten
Alexa said it will rain at ten
And eleven, and twelve, and then again
Alexa said it will rain at ten
And eleven, and twelve, and then again
She's wrong so far. The sun is shining
Alexa said it will rain at ten
Ans eleven, and twelve, and then again
She's wrong so far, the sun is shining
Over the way is a silver lining
Alexa said it will rain at ten
And eleven, and twelve, and then again
She's wrong so far, the sun is shining
Over the way is a silver lining
And now she's singing, Its Raining Men!
**********
Peter got his energy bill
Peter got his energy bill
His usage though was shown as Nil
Peter got his energy bill
His usage though was shown as Nil
He'd been fiddling with the meter
Peter got his energy bill
His usage though was shown as Nil
He'd been fiddling with the meter
So our Peter was a cheater
Peter got his energy bill
His usage though was shown as Nil
He'd been fiddling with the meter
So our Peter was a cheater
He'll be caught - be sure he will
A fed up oldie sailed a dinghy to France
A fed up oldie sailed a dinghy to France
He passed hundreds of others taking a chance
A fed up oldie sailed a dinghy to France
He passed hundreds of others taking a chance
They were all headed the opposite way
A fed up oldie sailed a dinghy to France
He passed hundreds of others taking a chance
They were all headed the opposite way
And told him they were going to stay
A fed up oldie sailed a dinghy to France
He passed hundreds of others taking a chance
They were all headed the opposite way
And told him they were going to stay
On the streets paved with gold they planned to dance.
**********
Old Brenda loved a G & T
Old Brenda loved a G & T
They helped her forget her dodgy knee
Old Brenda loved a G & T
They helped her forget her dodgy knee
She'd have one at noon and one at three
Old Brenda loved a G & T
They helped her forget her dodgy knee
She'd have one at noon and one at three
Then fall asleep whilst watching TV
Old Brenda loved a G & T
They helped her forget her dodgy knee
She'd have one at noon and one at three
Then fall asleep whilst watching TV
Those drinks. Oh dear. A surprise pee.
Stacey is quitting the Co-Op
Stacey is quitting the Co-op
A joint was found under her top
Stacey is quitting the Co-op
A joint was found under her top
Not beef but some hash
Stacey is quitting the Co-op
A joint was found under her top
Not beef but some hash
Now it pongs and will need a wash
Stacey is quitting the Co-op
A joint was found under her top
Not beef but some hash
Now it pongs and will need a wash
For when Stacy goes out on the pop.
Alex forgot to start a new line
So I've rescued the day by adding mine
Alex forgot to start a new line
So I've rescued the day by adding mine
She fell asleep, been up all night
Scratching a spot where something did bite
Alex forgot to start a new line
So I've rescued the day by adding mine
She fell asleep, been up all night
Scratching a spot where something did bite
Gin & Tonic in hand now everything's fine.
An old fart appeared
An old fart appeared
He was scratching his beard
An old fart appeared
He was scratching his beard
Hoping to stop itching
An old fart appeared
He was scratching his beard
Hoping to stop itching
found some Borwicks Bicarb in the kitchen
An old fart appeared
He was scratching his beard
Hoping to stop itching
found some Borwicks Bicarb in the kitchen
And when it stopped, he cheered!
********
Scrumpy shaved one leg today
Scrumpy shaved one leg today
The trimmings are stored like a bale of hay
Scrumpy shaved one leg today
The trimmings are stored like a bale of hay
Enough for a mattress, a pillow or two
Scrumpy shaved one leg today
The trimmings are stored like a bale of hay
Enough for a mattress, a pillow or two
All were amazed how fast it grew
Scrumpy shaved one leg today
The trimmings are stored like a bale of hay
Enough for a mattress, a pillow or two
All were amazed how fast it grew
She plans to do the other next May. 😄
***********
An election might happen next year
An election might happen next year
A wipe out for the Tories I hear
An election might happen next year
A wipe out for the Tories I hear
Nutty Labour begin to gloat
An election might happen next year
A wipe out for the Tories I hear
Nutty Labour begin to gloat
Knowing many will give them their vote
An election might happen next year
A wipe out for the Tories I hear
Nutty Labour begin to gloat
Knowing many will give them their vote
and once they're in, we'll know fear
A charming young fellow from Skye
A charming young fellow from Skye
Had everything money could buy
A charming young fellow from Skye
Had everything money could buy
He took a ferry to Harris
A charming young fellow from Skye
Had everything money could buy
He took a ferry to Harris
As he was bored with Paris
A charming young fellow from Skye
Had everything money could buy
He took a ferry to Harris
As he was bored with Paris
Got soaked but now he is dry
They've put up a portrait of Sunak
They've put up a portrait of Sunak
The man is as slithery as Lurpak (sorry :grin: )
They've put up a portrait of Sunak
The man is as slithery as Lurpak
At least we know it won't fade the paper
They've put up a portrait of Sunak
The man is as slithery as Lurpak
At least we know it won't fade the paper
I hope it puts a stop to his caper
They've put up a portrait of Sunak
The man is as slithery as Lurpak
At least we know it won't fade the paper
I hope it puts a stop to his caper
Sadly next for the wall is a tasteless plaque
Theresa's memoir will soon be out
Theresa's memoir will soon be out
And when it is her friends will shout
Theresa's memoir will soon be out
And when it is her friends will shout
Disregarding her dire reign
Theresa's memoir will soon be out
And when it is her friends will shout
Disregarding her dire reign
Just hope 'never again!'
Theresa's memoir will soon be out
And when it is her friends will shout
Disregarding her dire reign
Just hope 'never again!'
Another disaster without a doubt.
The was a young lady from Keswick
The was a young lady from Keswick
Whose intelligence rating was "thick"
The was a young lady from Keswick
Whose intelligence rating was "thick"
She dyed her hair blonde
There was a young lady from Keswick
Whose intelligence rating was "thick"
She died her hair blonde
Then off to town swanned
There was a young lady from Keswick
Whose intelligence rating was "thick"
She died her hair blonde
Then off to town swanned
To meet up with Cumbria Mick.
Alex left us with no new start line
Alex left us with no new start line
I know I do it every time
Alex left us with no new start line
I know I do it every time
You need to find one hard to rhyme
Alex left us with no new start line
I know I do it every time
You need to find one hard to rhyme
But they don't 'de dum de dum' every time.
Alex left us with no new start line
I know I do it every time
You need to find one hard to rhyme
But they don't 'de dum de dum' every time
Some are awful - close to a crime
A bonney young lassie from Glasgow
A bonnie young lassie from Glasgow
Took her poodle along to a dog show
A bonnie young lassie from Glasgow
Took her poodle along to a dog show
but her pooch bit the judge
A bonnie young lassie from Glasgow
Took her poodle along to a dog show
but her pooch bit the judge
So she gave in a nudge
A bonnie young lassie from Glasgow
Took her poodle along to a dog show
but her pooch bit the judge
So she gave it a nudge
For falling so low
A reckless young cyclist from Kent
A reckless young cyclist from Kent
Rode with his front wheel well bent
A reckless young cyclist from Kent
Rode with his front wheel well bent
He ran into a car
A reckless young cyclist from Kent
Rode with his front wheel well bent
He ran into a car
Which threw him wide and far
A reckless young cyclist from Kent
Rode with his front wheel well bent
He ran into a car
Which threw him wide and far
And caused the driver to vent
A foolhardy fellow from Frome
Quote from: klondike on September 19, 2023, 11:49:22 AMA reckless young cyclist from Kent
Rode with his front wheel well bent
He ran into a car
Which threw him wide and far
And caused the driver to vent
A foolhardy fellow from Frome
A foolhardy fellow from Frome
Once forgot his way home
A foolhardy fellow from Frome
Once forgot his way home
Should I head left or off to the right?
A foolhardy fellow from Frome
Once forgot his way home
Should I head left or off to the right?
Or go straight through the lights?
A foolhardy fellow from Frome
Once forgot his way home
Should I head left or off to the right?
Or go straight through the lights?
Even better thru the pedestrian zone
A silly old girl named Diane
A silly old girl named Diane
Decided to bake a nice flan
A silly old girl named Diane
Decided to bake a nice flan
She whipped up some eggs
A silly old girl named Diane
Decided to bake a nice flan
She whipped up some eggs
and of sherry some dregs
A silly old girl named Diane
Decided to bake a nice flan
She whipped up some eggs
and of sherry some dregs
After that she ran out of plan
Russell was perming his chest hair
Russell was perming his chest hair
Before heading out to a Pride fair
Russell was perming his chest hair
Before heading out to a Pride fair
where he hoped to meet friends
Russell was perming his chest hair
Before heading out to a Pride fair
where he hoped to meet friends
And set some new trends
Russell was perming his chest hair
Before heading out to a Pride fair
where he hoped to meet friends
And set some new trends
And if someone moaned, he just wouldn't care
A penniless pensioner from Fife
A penniless pensioner from Fife
Thought he'd like a rich wife
A penniless pensioner from Fife
Thought he'd like a rich wife
So he took out an ad
A penniless pensioner from Fife
Thought he'd like a rich wife
So he took out an ad
And was scolded by his dad
A penniless pensioner from Fife
Thought he'd like a rich wife
So he took out an ad
And was scolded by his dad
Who said it would only bring strife
King Charles has gone to Paris
King Charles has gone to Paris
A chat with Macron in the Elysee Palace
King Charles has gone to Paris
A chat with Macron in the Elysee Palace
Camilla all in pink
King Charles has gone to Paris
A chat with Macron in the Elysee Palace
Camilla all in pink
Charlie too. That'll make 'em think.
King Charles has gone to Paris
A chat with Macron in the Elysee Palace
Camilla all in pink
Charlie too. That'll make 'em think
Now they're wondering where their car is?
***************
Yesterday, Dave got soaked by the rain
Yesterday, Dave got soaked by the rain
He forgot his brolly, what a pain
Yesterday, Dave got soaked by the rain
He forgot his brolly, what a pain
As shoes started to squelch
Yesterday, Dave got soaked by the rain
He forgot his brolly, what a pain
As shoes started to squelch
He thought he was Welsh
Yesterday, Dave got soaked by the rain
He forgot his brolly, what a pain
As shoes started to squelch
He thought he was Welsh
But he wasn't - just insane
There once was a jolly old buffer
There once was a jolly old buffer
Whose life couldnt be any tougher
There once was a jolly old buffer
Whose life couldnt be any tougher
but despite all of that
There once was a jolly old buffer
Whose life couldnt be any tougher
but despite all of that
He went on to breed cats
Whose life couldnt be any tougher
but despite all of that
We went on to breed cats
Who always sat on the mats.
There once was a jolly old buffer
Whose life couldnt be any tougher
But despite all of that
He went on to breed cats
Not bad for a grumpy old duffer.
There once was a cyclist from London
There once was a cyclist from London
Who had problems getting his shorts on
There once was a cyclist from London
Who had problems getting his shorts on
Tug as he might
There once was a cyclist from London
Who had problems getting his shorts on
Tug as he might
They were just too tight
There once was a cyclist from London
Who had problems getting his shorts on
Tug as he might
They were just too tight
So he just gave up an put trews on
there was a tall person from Louth
There was a tall person from Louth
Who went on a coach trip down south
There was a tall person from Louth
Who went on a coach trip down south
His legroom was bad
There was a tall person from Louth
Who went on a coach trip down south
His legroom was bad
The cramp drove him mad
There was a tall person from Louth
Who went on a coach trip down south
His legroom was bad
The cramp drove him mad
and he bit the inside of his mouth
There once was a very keen copper
There once was a very keen copper
Whose truncheon was an absolute whopper
There once was a very keen copper
Whose truncheon was an absolute whopper
He'd often get it out
There once was a very keen copper
Whose truncheon was an absolute whopper
He'd often get it out
And give anyone a clout
There once was a very keen copper
Whose truncheon was an absolute whopper
He'd often get it out
And give anyone a clout
That action of course deemed improper
There was an old man from Crewe
There was an old man from Crewe
Who was far too impatient to queue
There was an old man from Crewe
Who was far too impatient to queue
But one day in the shop
There was an old man from Crewe
Who was far too impatient to queue
But one day in the shop
He stood to eavesdrop
Aren't you finishing the one above ?
I was on wrong page.
There was an old man from Crewe
Who was far too impatient to queue
But one day in the shop
He stood to eavesdrop
When he spotted somebody he knew
William bunked off school one day
William bunked off school one day
Deciding that he wanted to play
William bunked off school one day
Deciding that he wanted to play
His mum found out
William bunked off school one day
Deciding that he wanted to play
His mum found out
And gave him a clout
William bunked off school one day
Deciding that he wanted to play
His mum found out
And gave him a clout
'Child abuse William did shout
A tree-hugging Green from Port Talbot
A tree-hugging Green from Port Talbot
Went to London to met Diane Abbott
A tree-hugging Green from Port Talbot
Went to London to meet Diane Abbott
She got it all wrong and went to his place
A tree-hugging Green from Port Talbot
Went to London to meet Diane Abbott
She got it all wrong and went to his place
But she didn't care by the look on her face
A tree-hugging Green from Port Talbot
Went to London to meet Diane Abbott
She got it all wrong and went to his place
But she didn't care by the look on her face
After all wrong is her habit
Karen is always on her phone
Karen is always on her phone
and that's why she' always alone
Karen is always on her phone
and that's why she's always alone
An hour on Facebook then three on Twitter
Karen is always on her phone
and that's why she's always alone
An hour on Facebook then three on Twitter
No man and no job, she's feeling bitter
Karen is always on her phone
and that's why she's always alone
An hour on Facebook then three on Twitter
No man and no job, she's feeling bitter
She's off down the pub now to have a good moan
There was an old frau from Berlin
There was an old frau from Berlin
Who was very partial to gin
There was an old frau from Berlin
Who was very partial to gin
one glass at noon, another at five
There was an old frau from Berlin
Who was very partial to gin
one glass at noon, another at five
The tonic she swore kept her alive
There was an old frau from Berlin
Who was very partial to gin
one glass at noon, another at five
The tonic she swore kept her alive
And enabled her to upset her kin
A desperate young man from Dundee
A desperate young man from Dundee
Went on a blind date on Monday
A desperate young man from Dundee
Went on a blind date on Monday
He got a surprise
A desperate man from Dundee
Went on a blind date on Monday
He got a surprise
When he looked into her eyes
A desperate man from Dundee
Went on a blind date on Monday
He got a surprise
When he looked into her eyes
And she said can I sit on your knee
A fortune teller from Neath
A fortune teller from Neath
Said she could tell the future from teeth
A fortune teller from Neath
Said she could tell the future from teeth
In the post they were sent...
A fortune teller from Neath
Said she could tell the future from teeth
In the post they were sent...
From a now gummy gent
A fortune teller from Neath
Said she could tell the future from teeth
In the post they were sent...
From a now gummy gent
Whose toffee box became obsolete
Oh bugger! Said Alex I've done it again
Oh bugger! said Alex I've done it again
The others will think me a bit of a pain
Oh bugger! said Alex I've done it again
The others will think me a bit of a pain
Not me said klondike I screw it up too
Oh bugger! said Alex I've done it again
The others will think me a bit of a pain
Not me said Klondike I screw it up too
Nor me said Scrumpy I'm a silly old moo
Oh bugger ! said Alex I've done it again
The others will think me a bit of a pain
Not me said Klondike I screw it up too
Nor me said Scrumpy I'm a silly old moo
But Michael has done it .. such a shame
Bill had one leg longer than the other
Bill had one leg longer than the other
Exactly opposite to his older brother
Bill had one leg longer than the other
Exactly opposite to his older brother
Their younger brother had two short legs
Bill had one leg longer than the other
Exactly opposite to his older brother
Their younger brother had two short legs
Little more than stumpy pegs
Bill had one leg longer than the other
Exactly opposite to his older brother
Their younger brother had two short legs
Little more than stumpy pegs
They never mention their 6ft mother
Ethel was off to the Bingo at seven
Ethel was off to the Bingo at seven
That's what she told her hubby Kevin
Ethel was off to the Bingo at seven
That's what she told her hubby Kevin
In fact she was meeting the local bobby
Ethel was off to the Bingo at seven
That's what she told her hubby Kevin
In fact she was meeting the local bobby
So they could indulge in their favourite hobby
Ethel was off to the Bingo at seven
That's what she told her husband Kevin
In fact she was meeting the local bobby
So they could indulge in their favourite hobby
Something that was 'made in heaven '
Betty had a run in her stocking
Betty had a run in her stocking,
Her house was damp and the drains kept blocking
Betty had a run in her stocking,
Her house was damp and the drains kept blocking
Never one to wear a frown
Betty had a run in her stocking,
Her house was damp and the drains kept blocking
Never one to wear a frown
she hid the run with a long red gown
Betty had a run in her stocking,
Her house was damp and the drains kept blocking
Never one to wear a frown
she hid the run with a long red gown
But the smell from those drains was shocking!
Oh goody it's Friday tomorrow
Oh goody it's Friday tomorrow
Be gettibg my paypacket full of dough
Oh goody it's Friday tomorrow
Be gettibg my paypacket full of dough
I'll make it last til Tuesday
Oh goody it's Friday tomorrow
Be getting my paypacket full of dough
I'll make it last til Tuesday
Then scrimp til the next payday
Oh goody it's Friday tomorrow
Be getting my paypacket full of dough
I'll make it last til Tuesday
Then scrimp til the next payday
Then the rent money I will blow
A terribly posh girl from Preston
A terribly posh girl from Preston
Was a huge fan of Charlton Heston
A terribly posh girl from Preston
Was a huge fan of Charlton Heston
So she watched 'El Cid'
A terribly posh girl from Preston
Was a huge fan of Charlton Heston
So she watched 'El Cid'
And nearly swooned as she did
A terribly posh girl from Preston
Was a huge fan of Charlton Heston
So she watched 'El Cid'
And nearly swooned as she did
Just as well she had a warm vest on
A very keen student of horses
A very keen student of horses
Was asked to join Special Forces
A very keen student of horses
Was asked to join Special Forces
Up high she sat
On a handsome black
A very keen student of horses
Was asked to join Special Forces
Up high she sat
On a handsome black
And came first on all of the courses
A penniless teacher of French
A penniless teacher of French
One day thought his thirst he would quench
A penniless teacher of French
One day thought his thirst he would quench
He opened a can
A penniless teacher of French
One day thought his thirst he would quench
He opened a can
But oh my! Out ran....🤯
A penniless teacher of French
One day thought his thirst he would quench
He opened a can
But oh my!! Out ran ....
A rat.. with a terrible stench.
Mabel reversed her car with a 'bang'
Mabel reversed her car with a 'bang'
Oh no. Not again. Not another prang.
Mabel reversed her car with a 'bang'
Oh no. Not again. Not another prang.
This made seven
Mabel reversed her car with a 'bang'
Oh no. Not again. Not another prang.
This made seven
She'll never get to heaven
Mabel reversed her car with a 'bang'
Oh no .Not again. Not another prang.
This made seven
Shell never go to Heaven
But to Hell with the rest of the gang
A Seagull swooped down and took Alfie's chips
A Seagull swooped down and took Alfie's chips
He reached up an arm to give it a clip
A Seagull swooped down and took Alfie's chips
He reached up an arm to give it a clip
It returned to give his nose a peck
A seagull swooped down and took Alfie's chips
He reached up an arm to give it a clip
It returned to give his nose a peck
But aimed for the jugular on his neck
A seagull swooped down and took Alfie's chips
He reached up an arm to give it a clip
It returned to give his nose a peck
But aimed for the jugular on his neck
'Gerrof me chips' the last word from poor Alfie's lips
Alex, get your arse over here and start a new line
You have forgotten to do this many a time
Alex, get your arse over here and start a new line
You have forgotten to do this many a time
Patience, patience Scrumpy dear
We'll get this sorted have no fear
Alex, get your arse over here and start a new line
You have forgotten to do this many a time
Patience, patience Scrumpy dear
We'll get this sorted have no fear
We could try bribing her with cocktails or 🍸gin and lime?
***** ***** *****
We all get forgetful as time marches on
We all get forgetful as time marches on
I had a great rhyme but now it has gone
We all get forgetful as time marches on
I had a great rhyme but now it has gone
Memory fails as we get old
We all get forgetful as time marches on
I had a great rhyme but now it has gone
Memory fails as we get old
We even end up not very bold
We all get forgetful as time marches on
I had a great rhyme but now it has gone
Memory fades as we get old
We even end up not very bold
I have forgotten who I am.. so will remain anon
Let's write a limerick, one line at a time
Let's write a limerick, one line at a time
You do your's & I'll do mine
Let's write a limerick, one line at a time
You do your's & I'll do mine
A bit of a joke, a double meaning
Let's write a limerick, one line at a time
You do your's & I'll do mine
A bit of a joke, a double meaning
Phil's around it might need cleaning
Let's write a limerick, one line at a time
You do your's & I'll do mine
A bit of a joke, a double meaning
Phil's around it might need cleaning
But if its funny, it'll be just fine 🙂
A fusty old farmer from Rhyl
A fusty old farmer from Rhyl
Had bought a little blue pill
A fusty old farmer from Rhyl
Had bought a little blue pill
He took it to bed
A fusty old farmer from Rhyl
Had bought a little blue pill
He took it to bed
Excited at what was ahead
A fusty old farmer from Rhyl
Had bought a little blue pill
He took it to bed
Excited at what was ahead
But dozed off quite quickly - no thrill
An unlucky parson from Ealing
An unlucky parson from Ealing
Had a problem rising from kneeling
An unlucky parson from Ealing
Had a problem rising from kneeling
So his daily devotiond
An unlucky parson from Ealing
Had a problem rising from kneeling
So his daily devotion
Was an impossible notion
An unlucky parson from Ealing
Had a problem rising from kneeling
So his daily devotion
Was an impossible notion
So he sobbed out his problem with feeling
A young ballet dancer from Crieff
A young ballet dancer from Crieff
Ate little but carrots and beef
A young ballet dancer from Crieff
Ate little but carrots and beef
So her muscles were strong
A young ballet dancer from Crieff
Ate little but carrots and beef
So her muscles were strong
But her balance was wrong
A young ballet dancer from Crieff
Ate little but carrots and beef
So her muscles were strong
But her balance was wrong
So she fell and boke most of her teeth
A smarmy MP from the Brecon
Quote from: Michael Rolls on October 04, 2023, 08:41:05 AMA young ballet dancer from Crieff
Ate little but carrots and beef
So her muscles were strong
But her balance was wrong
So she fell and boke most of her teeth
Good flowing one guys !!!!!!!!!!
A smarmy MP from the Brecon
Had trouble keeping his keks on
A smarmy MP from Brecon
Had trouble keeping his kegs on
He would flash his beacon
Quote from: Scrumpy on October 04, 2023, 11:42:20 AMA smarmy MP from Brecon
Had trouble keeping his kegs on
He would flash his beacon
What are kegs ?
A smarmy MP from Brecon
Had trouble keeping his keks on
He would flash his beacon
Hoping it didn't weaken
What are kegs ?
Either a typo or what posh folk say instead of keks. They get called skiddies around here 'cos we is even less posh :grin:
Quote from: klondike on October 04, 2023, 02:01:08 PMThey get called skiddies around here 'cos we is even less posh :grin:
Full marks for that.
💩
💩
💩
A smarmy MP from Brecon
Had trouble keeping his keks on
He would flash his beacon
Hoping it didn't weaken
At least til he'd bent it like Beckham
There was an old wench from Wallasey
There was an old wench from Wallasey
When asked her age, she just wouldn't say
There was an old wench from Wallasey
When asked her age, she just wouldn't say
I'm younger than you, she said with a grin
There was an old wench from Wallasey
When asked her age, she just wouldn't say
I'm younger than you, she said with a grin
I'll tell you the truth if you buy me a gin
Quote from: Alex on October 04, 2023, 11:46:29 AMWhat are kegs ?
My apologies .. Kegs are pants... I wrote it without looking fully at the word KEKS
feckless lod man from Louth
A feckless old man from Louth
Decided to move down south
A feckless old man from Louth
Decided to move down south
But his mortgage was vast
A feckless old man from Louth
Decided to move down south
But his mortgage was vast
and the women were 'fast'
A feckless old man from Louth
Decided to move down south
But his mortgage was vast
And the women were 'fast'
He ended up down at the mouth
Peggy bought a big cream cake.
Peggy bought a big cream cake.
To take to Uncle Joey's wake
Peggy bought a big cream cake.
To take to Uncle Joey's wake
But imagine her dismay...
Peggy bought a big cream cake.
To take to Uncle Joey's wake
But imagine her dismay...
When ten bob she had to pay
Peggy bought a big cream cake.
To take to Uncle Joey's wake
But imagine her dismay...
When ten bob she had to pay
And the cream in the cake was fake.
*******************
This one was never finished...
There was an old wench from Wallasey
When asked her age, she just wouldn't say
I'm younger than you, she said with a grin
I'll tell you the truth if you buy me a gin
And once I've drunk that, I'll be off and away.
******* ********
The day was dark when Joey rose
The day was dark when Joey rose
Without a light he stubbed his toes
The day was dark when Joey rose
Without a light he stubbed his toes
Cursing and hopping he stumbled and fell
The day was dark when Joey rose
Without a light he stubbed his toes
Cursing and hopping he stumbled and fell
The air was filed with ' bloody hell !'
The day was dark when Joey rose
Without a light he stubbed his toes
Cursing and hopping he stumbled and fell
The air was filed with ' bloody hell !'
When he fell he'd bust his nose.
******** ********
Maria was a big strong lass
Maria was a big strong lass
She sang in the hills before going to Mass
Maria was a big strong lass
She sang in the hills before going to Mass
That panicked the wildlife for miles around
Maria was a big strong lass
She sang in the hills before going to Mass
That panicked the wildlife for miles around
Which vanished with many a bound
Maria was a big strong lass
She sang in the hills before going to Mass
That panicked the wildlife for miles around
Which vanished with many a bound
But that didn't stop Maria and all that jazz :boo:
There once was a man called Dutch John
There once was a man called Dutch John
Nobody is sure just where he has gone
There once was a man called Dutch John
Nobody is sure just where he has gone
He may be in Birmingham telling tall tales
There once was a man called Dutch John
Nobody is sure just where he has gone
He may be in Birmingham telling tall tales
Or tending sheep in deepest Wales
There once was a man called Dutch John
Nobody is sure just where he has gone
He may be in Birmingham telling tall tales
Or tending sheep in deepest Wales
All the wrong guesses just make him yawn
A wee fair maid from Pontypridd
A wee fair maid from Pontypridd
Got drunk one night and fell down a grid
A wee fair maid from Pontypridd
Got drunk one night and fell down a grid
Skirt up round her neck and legs akimbo
A wee fair maid from Pontypridd
Gone drunk one night and fell down a grid
Skirt up round her neck and legs akimbo
It's called 'legs eleven' at local bingo
A wee fair maid from Pontypridd
Gone drunk one night and fell down a grid
Skirt up round her neck and legs akimbo
It's called 'legs eleven' at local bingo
But she got hauled back up by a guy called Sid
A commercial rep from down south
A commercial rep from down South
Was renowned for being a loudmouth
A commercial rep from down South
Was renowned for being a loudmouth
He could be heard in Chorley
A commercial rep from down South
Was renowned for being a loudmouth
He could be heard in Chorley
And as far as Burnley
A commercial rep from down South
Was renowned for being a loudmouth
He could be heard in Chorley
And as far as Burnley
And then he pissed off to Louth
New one Phil :upvote:
I have stood in for Phil..
Betty had the perfect pair .. of shoes
Betty had the perfect pair .. of shoes
She wore them on her Mediterranean cruise
Betty had the perfect pair.. of shoes
She wore them on her Mediterranean cruise
The men admired them when she did walk
Their mouths fell open and eyes on stalks
From all the men she could choose
The last Limerick was a pain in the bum
Quote from: Alex on October 09, 2023, 08:46:53 PMNew one Phil :upvote:
Are right, I hadn't realised that I had to start one. :grin:
Quote from: Scrumpy on October 10, 2023, 03:22:29 PMBetty had the perfect pair.. of shoes
She wore them on her Mediterranean cruise
The men admired them when she did walk
Their mouths fell open and eyes on stalks
From all the men she could choose
The last Limerick was a pain in the bum
You started it ! :grin:
The last limerick was a pain in the bum
Some of the rhymes left me quite numb
The last limerick was a pain in the bum
Some of the rhymes left me quite numb
Perhaps a rest is needed by all
We really seem to have hit a wall
The last limerick was a pain in the bum
Some of the rhymes left me quite numb
Perhaps a rest is needed by all
We really seem to have hit a wall
You miserable lot have left me glum
Let's hope the next one's on the money
Let's hope the next one's on the money
And if we're lucky, really funny
Let's hope the next one's on the money
And if we're lucky, really funny
I'm sure we can
Write five lines that scan
Let's hope the next one's on the money
And if we're lucky, really funny
I'm sure we can
Write five lines that scan
I bet this one goes down the dunny
Oh bugger me Scrumpy's at it now
Oh bugger me Scrumpy's at it now
I don't now why, I don't know how
Oh bugger me Scrumpy's at it now
I don't know why, I don't know how
Please don't whip me.. well, Phil can try
Oh bugger me Scrumpy's at it now
I don't know why, I don't know how
Please don't whip me.. well, Phil can try
What's going on, are you going to cry?
Oh bugger me Scrumpy's at it now
I don't know why, I don't know how
Please don't whip me.. well, Phil can try
What's going on, are you going to cry?
No but she's looking to start a row !
Alex, you forgot again
You had a new first line to pen
Alex , you forgot again
You had a new first line to pen
It could be an age thing.. very sad.
Alex , you forgot again
You had a new first line to pen
It could be an age thing.. very sad
Yep - it's driving us all mad
Alex , you forgot again
You had a new first line to pen
It could be an age thing.. very sad
Yep - it's driving us all mad
Sorry, this time its 0/10!
XxxxxxxX
A forgetful old girl from the Wirral
A forgetful old girl from the Wirral
Had a next door neighbour called Cyril
A forgetful old girl from the Wirral
Had a next door neighbour called Cyril
But she called him Fred ,Bert, Harry
A forgetful old girl from the Wirral
Had a next door neighbour called Cyril
But she called him Fred ,Bert, Harry
And sometimes even Larry
A forgetful old girl from the Wirral
Had a next door neighbour called Cyril
But she called him Fred ,Bert, Harry
And sometimes even Larry
For she had the IQ of a squirrel
A brilliant young painter from Kent
A brilliant young painter from Kent
Whose friends all thought he was bent
A brilliant young painter from Kent
Whose friends all thought he was bent
So they left him alone
A brilliant young painter from Kent
Whose friends all thought he was bent
So they left him alone
Except Harold ,who was prone
A brilliant young painter from Kent
Whose friends all thought he was bent
So they left him alone
Except Harold ,who was prone
To queers with unusual scents
A wise old vicar from Poole
A wise old vicar from Poole
Was clearly nobody's fool
A wise old vicar from Poole
Was clearly nobody's fool
He doubled the size of his offertory plate
A wise old vicar from Poole
Was clearly nobody's fool
He doubled the size of his offertory plate
And installed a turnstile at the church gate
A wise old vicar from Poole
Was clearly nobody's fool
He doubled the size of his offertory plate
And installed a turnstile at the church gate
No nobody disturbs his time by the pool
The rain has stopped it's dry at last
The rain has stopped it's dry at last
It's time to put on the clouts we cast
The rain has stopped it's dry at last
It's time to put on the clouts we cast
Wait. Oh no it's started snowing
The rain has stopped it's dry at last
It's time to put on the clouts we cast
Wait. Oh no it's started snowing
Climate change? There is no knowing
The rain has stopped it's dry at last
It's time to put on the clouts we cast
Wait. Oh no it's started snowing
Climate change? There is no knowing
I'll build my ark and raise the mast
Oh blast I need another starter
Oh blast I need another starter
Thats the rule, its in the charter
Oh blast I need another starter
Thats the rule, its in the charter
So no use moaning
Oh blast I need another starter
That's the rule, it's in the charter
So no use moaning
at Alex .. or groaning
Oh blast I need another starter
That's the rule, it's in the charter
So no use moaning
or at Alex .. groaning
Because she lost her scarlet garter
There was a young man from Pitlochry
There was a young man from Pitlochry
I wish he wasn't said I with a sigh
There was a young man from Pitlochry
I wish he wasn't said I with a sigh
It's got to rhyme
There was a young man from Pitlochry
I wish he wasn't said I with a sigh
It's got to rhyme
So I had a tough time
And almost started to cry
He got in his car and moved to Dunbar
He got in his car and moved to Dunbar
His wife didn't go.. said 'It's too far'
He got in his car and moved to Dunbar
His wife didn't go.. said 'It's too far'
So she waited alone
He got in his car and moved to Dunbar
His wife didn't go.. said 'It's too far'
So she waited alone
Hoping he'd phone
He got in his car and moved to Dunbar
His wife didn't go .. said 'It's too far'
So she waited alone
Hoping he'd phone
But she ,never again, saw his car
Mabel was driving up a One Way Street
Mabel was driving up a One Way street
She wasn't the brightest, her brains were in her feet
Mabel was driving up a One Way street
She wasn't the brightest, her brains were in her feet
Why were there idiots on the wrong side ot the road?
Mabel was driving up a One Way street
She wasn't the brightest, her brains were in her feet
Why were there idiots on the wrong side ot the road?
This wasn't in her Highway Code
Mabel was driving up a One Way Street
And ran over a pedestrian's feet
Mabel was driving up a One Way street
She wasn't the brightest, her brains were in her feet
Why were there idiots on the wrong side ot the road?
This wasn't in her Highway Code
So she turned around for a quick retreat
There was a young lady from York
There was a young lady from York
Who's husband was a bit of a gawk
There was a young lady from York
Who's husband was a bit of a gawk
He went shopping one day
There was a young lady from York
Who's husband was a bit of a gawk
He went shopping one day
And spent all his pay
There was a young lady from York
Who's husband was a bit of a gawk
He went shopping one day
And spent all his pay
On a parrot that had lost all it's squawk
October 14, 2023, 04:36:53 PM
Bert was given a brand new broom
Bert was given a brand new broom
Which only deepened his state of gloom
Bert was given a brand new broom
Which only deepened his state of gloom
The head fell off and then the handle
Bert was given a brand new broom
Which only deepened his state of gloom
The head fell off and then the handle
Compared to his old one it couldn't hold a candle
Bert was given a brand new broom
Which only deepened his state of gloom
The head fell off and then the handle
Compared to his old one it couldn't hold a candle
Found his old one in a skip, lifted his sense of doom.
Xxxxxxx xxxxxxX
Peter was planning to go on a trip
Peter was planning to go on a trip
He fancied a cruise on a lovely posh ship
Peter was planning to go on a trip
He fancied a cruise on a lovely posh ship
He stood on the deck and his face turned green
Peter was planning to go on a trip
He fancied a cruise on a lovely posh ship
He stood on the deck and his face turned green
With envy seeing another with his love Marlene
Peter was planning to go on a trip
He fancied a cruise on a lovely posh ship
He stood on the deck and his face turned green
With envy seeing another with his love Marlene
She gave him a wave, and shouted 'toodle pip'!
XxxxxxxxxxxxX
She'd had a better offer from a widower called Pete
He took her sequence dancing, and swept her off her feet
She'd had a better offer from a widower called Pete
He took her sequence dancing , and swept her off her feet
He taught her how to tango and held her very close
She'd had a better offer from a widower called Pete
He took her sequence dancing , and swept her off her feet
He taught her how to tango and held her very close
As well as a fat pension, he was nifty on his toes
She'd had a better offer from a widower called Pete
He took her sequence dancing, and swept her off her feet
He taught her how to tango and held her very close
As well as a fat pension, he was nifty on his toes
And money he had heaps. Marlene decide it was Pete she would keep
Oh deary dear it's happened again
Have I remembered this right ?
Lines 1,2 and 5 must rhyme
Lines 2 and 4 are shorter and must also rhyme
October 16, 2023, 11:41:15 AM
Oh deary dear it's happened again
Yes it's here, rain and more rain
Oh deary dear it's happened again
Yes it's here, rain and more rain
Plus the air has got quite chilly
Don't think the lenght matters. It just needs to be capable of being said with a bit of a rhythm
Oh deary dear it's happened again
Yes it's here, rain and more rain
Plus the air has got quite chilly
And my red bobble hat looks a bit silly
Oh deary dear it's happened again
Yes it's here, rain and more rain
Plus the air has got quite chilly
And my red bobble hat looks a bit silly
Maybe I'll take a week in Spain
Oh joy on joy Evri have delivered my stuff
Oh joy on joy Evri have delivered my stuff
Some high heeled wellies and a leopardskin muff
Oh joy on joy Evri have delivered my stuff
Some high heeled wellies and a leopardskin muff
But they've forgotten my pink lycra leotard
Oh joy on joy Evri have delivered my stuff
Some high heeled wellies and a leopardskin muff
But they've forgotten my pink lycra leotard
Even though they charged it to my credit card
Oh joy on joy Evri has delivered my stuff
Some high heeled wellies and a leopard skin muff
But they've forgotten my pink Lycra leotard
Even though they charged it my my credit card
I won't use them again ..I've had enough
Ollie loved a drop of sherry
Ollie loved a drop of sherry
It always left him feeling merry
Best of all of course was brandy
Ollie loved a drop of sherry
It always left him feeling merry
Best of all of course was brandy
He always kept a bottle handy 😉
Ollie loved a drop of sherry
It always left him feeling merry
Best of all of course was brandy
He always kept a bottle handy
Or any cocktail served with a cherry
It's odd the things you see in Lidl
Its odd the things you see in Lidl
Polish sausage, a child's toy fiddle
It's odd the things you see in Lidl
Polish sausage, a child's toy fiddle
Plus some of the customers are pretty weird
It's odd the things you see in Lidl
Polish sausage, a child's toy fiddle
Plus some of the customers are pretty weird
The guy in the dress with the purple beard
It's odd the things you see in Lidl
Polish sausage, a child's toy fiddle
Plus some of the customers are pretty weird
The guy in the dress with a purple beard
Is that the store with the aisle in the middle ?
The nurse said 'Just a little prick'
The nurse said 'Just a little prick'
I apologised and ran out quick
The nurse said 'Just a little prick'
I apologised and ran out quick
Of course I had misunderstood
The nurse said 'Just a little prick'
I apologised and ran out quick
Of course I had misunderstood
The word as from my childhood
The nurse said 'Just a little prick'
I apologised and ran out quick
Of course I had misunderstood
The word as from my childhood
I guess that's why I'm called 'Thick Mick'
October 17, 2023, 06:36:08 PM
Winnie called 'house' on legs eleven
Winnie called 'house' on legs eleven
Freddie was jealous he needed a seven
Winnie called 'house' on legs eleven
Freddie was jealous he needed a seven
It was soon 'eyes down' again
Winnie called 'house' on legs eleven
Freddie was jealous he needed a seven
It was soon 'eyes down' again
The hope of a prize drove him insane
Winnie called 'house' on legs eleven
Freddie was jealous he needed a seven
It was soon 'eyes down' again
The hope of a prize drove him insane
It was Ethel who won the two nights in Devon
Cyril found a tenner laying on the street
Cyril found a tenner laying on the street
And seeing it was right there at his feet
Cyril found a tenner laying on the street
And seeing it was right there at his feet
He popped it in his pocket
Cyril found a tenner laying on the street
And seeing it was right there at his feet
He popped it in his pocket
And ran off like a rocket
Cyril found a tenner laying on the street
And seeing it was right there at his feet
He popped it in his pocket
And ran off like a rocket
Up to the chippy for a teatime treat
new first line please
Alex has gone back to bed
Was it something that Michael said !!
Alex has gone back to bed
Was it something that Michael said !!
Or just an age thing to forget?
Alex has gone back to bed
Was it something that Michael said !!
Or just an age thing to forget?
And leave others the next puzzle to set
Alex has gone back to bed
Was it something that Michael said !!
Or just an age thing to forget?
And leave others the next puzzle to set
When she sees this will her face be red?
Oh no it's Lidl day again
Oh no it's Lidl day again
No Waitrose for me.. a real pain
Oh no it's Lidl day again
No Waitrose for me.. a real pain
We ain't so posh round here
Oh no it's Lidl day again
No Waitrose for me.. a real pain
We ain't so posh round here
But never fret, my dear
Tesco will deliver .. even in the rain
Molly showed off her shiny new ring
Molly showed off her shiny new ring,
It wasn't her first, she had plenty of bling 💍💍
Molly showed off her shiny new ring,
It wasn't her first, she had plenty of bling
The ring lasted longer than the man
Molly showed off her shiny new ring,
It wasn't her first, she had plenty of bling
The ring lasted longer than the man
As off with his wealth she ran
Molly showed off her shiny new ring,
It wasn't her first, she had plenty of bling
The ring lasted longer than the man
As off with his wealth she ran
Looking for her next exciting fling.
XxxxxxxxxX
Jimmy went to the gym every day
Jimmy went to the gym every day
With all things with which he could play
Jimmy went to the gym every day
With all things with which he could play
He rowed a boat, and peddled a bike
Jimmy went to the gym every day
With all things with which he could play
He rowed a boat, and peddled a bike
But the parallel beams he did not like
Jimmy went to the gym every day
With all things with which he could play
He rowed a boat, and peddled a bike
But the parallel beams he did not like
His lycra split so he ran away :rolleyes:
A smart young lady from Chester
A smart young lady from Chester
Dated a fool from Leicester
A smart young lady from Chester
Dated a fool from Leicester
They went to a pub
A smart young lady from Chester
Dated a fool from Leicester
They went to a pub
Drank six pints, ate some grub
A smart young lady from Chester
Dated a fool from Leicester
They went to a pub
Drank six pints, ate some grub
And the police came to arrest her
There once was a man from Carlisle
There once was a man from Carlisle
The smell from his feet was quite vile
There once was a man from Carlisle
The smell of his feet was quite vile
Dogs that passed by keeled over
There once was a man from Carlisle
The smell of his feet was quite vile
Dogs that passed by keeled over
Twas the end of poor Rover
There once was a man from Carlisle
The smell of his feet was quite vile
Dogs that passed by keeled over
Twas the end of poor Rover
Who sadly was within half a mile
xxxxxxxxxx
An old woman from Derby once said
An old woman from Derby once said
'I can't get Elvis... out of my head'
An old woman from Derby once said
'I can't get Elvis... out of my head'
She booked a ticket to Graceland
An old woman from Derby once said
'I can't get Elvis... out of my head'
She booked a ticket to Graceland
Bought a sequined frock and head band
An old woman from Derby once said
' I can't get Elvis ... out of my head'
She booked a ticket to Graceland
Bought a sequined frock and head band
And took along her old mate called Fred
October 23, 2023, 09:55:31 AM
Billy nicked a chicken from the corner shop
Billy nicked a chicken from the corner shop
But he was spotted running by the local cop
Billy nicked a chicken from the corner shop
But he was spotted running by the local cop
Who felt his collar when he tripped and fell
Billy nicked a chicken from the corner shop
But he was spotted running by the local cop
Who felt his collar when he tripped and fell
And marched him off to the local Bridewell.
Billy nicked a chicken from the corner shop
But he was spotted running by the local cop
Who felt his collar when he tripped and fell
And marched him off to the local Bridewell
The judge said ' Naughty..On yer bike ,chop chop'.
Millie went to the chippy for tea
Millie went to the chippy for tea
"Now what shall I order, let me see..."
Millie went to the chippy for tea
"Now what shall I order, let me see..."
Short on cash she just had chips
Millie went to the chippy for tea
"Now what shall I order, let me see..."
Short on cash she just had chips
Eaten with her fingertips :rolleyes:
Millie went to the chippy for tea
"Now what shall I order, let me see..."
Short on cash she just had chips
Eaten with her fingertips :rolleyes:
And threw the wrapper into the sea
a harmless old duffer from Kingston
A harmless old duffer from Kingston
Had a clever brother who went to Princeton
A harmless old duffer from Kingston
Had a clever brother who went to Princeton
So not to be outdone
A harmless old duffer from Kingston
Had a clever brother who went to Princeton
So not to be outdone
A diploma on potholes he won
A harmless old duffer from Kingston
Had a clever brother who went to Princeton
So not to be outdone
A diploma on potholes he won
From a college somewhere near Wilsden.
**********
A cheeky old girl called Irene
A cheeky old girl called Irene
Was totally addicted to caffeine
A cheeky old girl called Irene
Was totally addicted to caffeine
But after ten cups
A cheeky old girl called Irene
Was totally addicted to caffeine
But after ten cups
She gets bloated and erupts
A cheeky old girl called Irene
Was totally addicted to caffeine
But after ten cups
She gets bloated and erupts
And all quickly depart from the scene
An early morning runner named Brian
An early morning runner named Brian
One day tried to outrun a lion
An early morning runner named Brian
One day tried to outrun a lion
For Brian this was no problem at all
An early morning runner named Brian
One day tried to outrun a lion
For Brian this was no problem at all
As he managed to jump over a wall
An early morning runner named Brian
One day tried to outrun a lion
For Brian this was no problem at all
As he managed to jump over a wall
Then made his way home for a lie in
A Labour councilor for Ealing
A Labour councillor for Ealing
Was arrested one day for stealing
A Labour councillor for Ealing
Was arrested one day for stealing
A magazine from top shelf, whiskey and fags
A Labour councillor for Ealing
Was arrested one day for stealing
A magazine from top shelf, whiskey and fags
Which he tried to hide down his bags
A Labour councillor for Ealing
Was arrested one day for stealing
A magazine from top shelf, whiskey and fags
Which he tried to hide down his bags
And staggered down the road reeling
When we finish a limerick, we start the next one. 😉
A pleasant young man from Dunbar
A pleasant young man from Dunbar
Would cruise in his expensive red car
A pleasant young man from Dunbar
Would cruise in his expensive red car
He'd eye up the girls
A pleasant young man from Dunbar
Would cruise in his expensive red car
He'd eye up the girls
And admire their curls (apologies granny mac!)
A pleasant young man from Dunbar
Would cruise in his expensive red car
He'd eye up the girls
And admire their curls
Then invite them for drinks at the bar
(No worries Ruthio)
Peter thought he'd like a cruise
Peter thought he'd like a cruise
But with so many places he couldn't choose
Peter thought he'd like a cruise
But with so many places he couldn't choose
Into a map he stuck a pin
Peter thought he'd like a cruise
But with so many places he couldn't choose
Into a map he stuck a pin
And where it landed made him grin
Peter thought he'd like a cruise
But with so many places he couldn't choose
Into a map he stuck a pin
And where it landed made him grin
Norwegian Fjords with amazing views !
October 27, 2023, 11:21:47 AM
A little old lady from York
A little old lady from York
Was given a huge leg of pork
A little old lady from York
Was given a huge leg of pork
Out of the shed she got a big saw
A little old lady from York
Was given a huge leg of pork
Out of the shed she got a big saw
As too big for the oven and can't eat it raw
A little old lady from York
Was given a huge leg of pork
Out of the shed she got a big saw
As too big for the oven and can't eat it raw
Then she stabbed it all over with a fork
XxxxxxxxxxX
Mrs Smith went to bingo one night
Mrs Smith went to bingo one night
On the way there she saw a strange sight
Mrs Smith went to bingo one night
On the way there she saw a strange sight
A red light in the sky
Mrs Smith went to bingo one night
On the way there she saw a strange sight
A red light in the sky
As a chopper flew by
Mrs Smith went to bingo one night
On the way there she saw a strange sight
A red light in the sky
As a chopper flew by
with 007 dangling .. what a fright !!
Bert tripped up the aisle on his way to be wed
Bert tripped up the aisle on his way to be wed
Standing at the altar this is what he said...
Bert tripped up the aisle on his way to be wed
Standing at the altar this is what he said...
where's the ring
Bert tripped up the aisle on his way to be wed
Standing at the alter this is what he said
Where's the ring
The best man replied 'I've lost the damn thing'
Bert tripped up the aisle on his way to be wed
Standing at the alter this is what he said
Where's the ring
The best man replied 'I've lost the damn thing'
And with THAT for Bert saw red.
new first line, please
Blimey Mike gis a chance ! just getting a wee drinkie :grin:
There once was a young man named Keir
There once was a young man named Keir
Who went to the end of the pier
There once was a young man named Keir
Who went to the end of the pier
He found a wonderful penny machine
That showed him what the butler had seen
There once was a young man named Keir
Who went to the end of the pier
He found a wonderful penny machine
That showed him what the butler had seen
And it made him come over all queer.
XxxxxxxxxxxxX
A woman called Ang was quite rough
A woman called Ang was quite rough
She was made of resilient stuff
A woman called Ang was quite rough
She was made of resilient stuff
So when anyone crossed her
A woman called Ang was quite rough
She was made of resilient stuff
So when anyone crossed her
She didn't even fluster
A woman called Ang was quite rough
She was made of resilient stuff
So when anyone crossed her
She didn't even fluster
Just called them scum, and went off in a huff.
XxxxxxxxxxxxxX
Betty started a jigsaw last night
Betty started a jigsaw last night
Trouble was at the time she was tight
Betty started a jigsaw last night
Trouble was at the time she was tight
So the picture is all skewy
Betty started a jigsaw last night
Trouble was at the time she was tight
So the picture is all skewy
On fact its broken in two :rolleyes:
Betty started a jigsaw last night
Trouble was at the time she was tight
So the picture is all askew
In fact its broken in two
So she chucked it away at first light.
************
A gin and tonic, large, said Sue
A gin and tonic, large, said Sue
And only Gordons gin will do
A gin and tonic, large, said Sue
And only Gordons gin will do
But did she remember to say Please?
A gin and tonic, large, said Sue
And only Gordons gin will do
But did she remember to say Please?
Only after 8 when she was on her knees
A gin and tonic, large, said Sue
And only Gordons gin will do
But did she remember to say Please?
Only after 8 when she was on her knees
And needed some help to reach the loo
Betty rode a bright red bike
Betty rode a bright red bike 🚴🏾
Riding beside her on a blue one was Mike
Betty rode a bright red bike 🚴🏾
Riding beside her on a blue one was Mike
They rode into town
Betty rode a bright red bike 🚴🏾
Riding beside her on a blue one was Mike
They rode into town
Almost knocked a few folk down
Betty rode a bright red bike 🚴🏾
Riding beside her on a blue one was Mike
They rode into town
Almost knocked a few folk down
Betty bent a wheel and had to hike
Mike carried on and picked up speed
Mike carried on and picked up speed
Narrowly missing a dog off the lead
Mike carried on and picked up speed
Narrowly missing a dog off the lead
He made one old dear swear
Mike carried on and picked up speed
Narrowly missing a dog off the lead
He made one old dear swear
When his handlebar caught in her hair
Mike carried on and picked up speed
Narrowly missing a dog off the lead
He made an old dear swear
When his handlebar caught in her hair
But the road hog paid no heed
October 30, 2023, 11:06:26 AM
Greasy Joe slicked back his hair
Scrumpy has commited the usual sin
Surely she hasn't been on the gin?
No new line has been left
It leaves us poets all bereft
Surely something about another spin?
Ah I see she has relented
Greasy Joe slicked back his hair
And parked his bum in the barber's chair
Greasy Joe slicked back his hair
And parked his bum in the barber's chair
Shirt back and sides he cried
Greasy Joe slicked back his hair
And parked his bum in the barber's chair
Short back and sides he cried
And a nice straight parting on the left hand side
Greasy Joe slicked back his hair
And parked his bum in the barber's chair
Short back and sides he cried
And a nice straight parting on the left hand side
But the barber sheared it al off and just didn't care
There was a school teacher from Lutom
There was a school teacher from Luton
Who had to avoid eating gluten
There was a school teacher from Luton
Who had to avoid eating gluten
Nor dairy... nor nuts
There was a school teacher from Luton
Who had to avoid eating gluten
Nor dairy... nor nuts 🥜 🥛
They were bad for his guts
There was a school teacher from Luton
Who had to avoid eating gluten
Nor dairy... nor nuts 🥜 🥛
They were bad for his guts
Or he had to get to the loo a on
there once was a pianist from Orkney
There once was a pianist from Orkney
Who said I'll only play if you force me
There once was a pianist from Orkney
Who said I'll only play if you force me
He banged out a tune
There once was a pianist from Orkney
Who said I'll only play if you force me
He banged out a tune
Pulling a face like a loon
There once was a pianist from Orkney
Who said I'll only play if you force me
He banged out a tune
Pulling a face like a loon
And shouted 'I'll be finished here shortly'. :smiley:
A forum member on the Mother Ship
A forum member on the Mother Ship
Seems to be developing one hell of a chip
A forum member on the Mother Ship
Seems to be developing one hell of a chip
They'll likely be banned
A forum member on the Mother Ship
Seems to be developing one hell of a chip
They'll likely be banned
Really?! Well I'll be damned!
A forum member on the Mother Ship
Seems to be developing one hell of a chip
They'll likely be banned
Really?! Well I'll be damned!
Chris has just called it a ' blip '
There was a young boy named Daniel
There was a young boy named Daniel
Whose bouncy pet dog was a spaniel
There was a young boy named Daniel
Whose bouncy pet dog was a spaniel
But it was missing a leg
There was a young boy named Daniel
Whose bouncy pet dog was a spaniel
But it was missing a leg
So fitted with a peg
There was a young boy named Daniel
Whose bouncy pet dog was a spaniel
But it was missing a leg
So fitted with a peg
And a shiny black patent sandal SORRY :grin: :grin:
As Boris stepped inside Number 10
As Boris stepped inside Number 10
He spent a fortune on decor to make it his den
As Boris stepped inside Number 10
He spent a fortune on decor to make it his den
But the colours were naff
As Boris stepped inside Number 10
He spent a fortune on decor to make it his den
But the colours were naff
Another Boris gaffe
As Boris stepped inside Number 10
He spent a fortune on decor to make it his den
But the colours were naff
Another Boris gaffe
Said his missus 'looks like a pig pen'
A foolish young fellow from Devizes
A foolish young fellow from Devizes
Had feet that were different sizes
A foolish young fellow from Devizes
Had feet that were different sizes
The left one was small
A foolish young fellow from Devizes
Had feet that were different sizes
The left one was small
But that wasn't all 🤯
A foolish young fellow from Devizes
Had feet that were different sizes
The left one was small
But that wasn't all 🤯
Best not mention the bit that won prizes
Doc Martin Arrived in Port Wen
Doc Martin Arrived in Port Wen
He opened his surgery and then
Doc Martin Arrived in Port Wen
He opened his surgery and then
He soon found a wife
Doc Martin Arrived in Port Wen
He opened his surgery and then
He soon found a wife
The light of his life
Doc Martin Arrived in Port Wen
He opened his surgery and then
He soon found a wife
The light of his life
Until they squabbled again and again
Bill Stickers got jailed
Bill Stickers got jailed
so his complexion paled
Bill Stickers got jailed
so his complexion paled
When he met his new cellmate
Bill Stickers got jailed
so his complexion paled
When he met his new cellmate
Who blew a kiss to his latest date
Bill Stickers got jailed
so his complexion paled
When he met his new cellmate
Who blew a kiss to his latest date
Who was later bailed
There once was a beagle called Stan
There once was a beagle called Stan
Who poked his nose into a big jar of jam
There once was a beagle called Stan
Who poked his nose into a big jar of jam
Not big enough - the jar got stuck
There once was a beagle called Stan
Who poked his nose into a big jar of jam
Not big enough - the jar got stuck
Til Stan bashed it on the back of a truck
There once was a beagle called Stan
Who poked his nose into a big jar of jam
Not big enough - the jar got stuck
Til Stan bashed it on the back of a truck
oh dear oh dear that didn't go according to plan
There once was a publican named Bill
There once was a publican named Bill
A man of extraordinary skill
There once was a publican named Bill
A man of extraordinary skill
He could balance a pint
There once was a publican named Bill
A man of extraordinary skill
He could balance a pint
On his head, what a sight
There once was a publican named Bill
A man of extraordinary skill
He could balance a pint
On his head, what a sight
Any nary a drop would he spill
Gary sells crips on the TV
Quote from: klondike on November 05, 2023, 10:58:14 AMThere once was a publican named Bill
A man of extraordinary skill
He could balance a pint
On his head, what a sight
Any nary a drop would he spill
Gary sells crips on the TV
That was a cracker folks :grin:
November 05, 2023, 11:12:38 AMGary sells crisps on the TV
For this he receives a big fee
Gary sells crisps on the TV
For this he receives a big fee
An annoying arse who is oh so woke
Gary sells crisps on the TV
For this he receives a big fee
An annoying arse who is oh so woke
He really is a bliddy joke
Gary sells crisps on the TV
For this he receives a big fee
An annoying arse who is oh so woke
He really is a bliddy joke
Sadly typical of the BBC
Time for bed said Zebedee
Time for bed said Zebedee
He asked Florence to 'come with me'
Time for bed said Zebedee
He asked Florence to 'come with me'
She told him to take a hike
In fact she shouted 'on your bike',
I'd rather have a cup of tea!
(Couldn't resist)
Nellie watched TV all day
Nellie watched TV all day
And in her comfy bed she lay
Nellie watched TV all day
And in her comfy bed she lay
Counting the hours
Nellie watched TV all day
And in her comfy bed she lay
Counting the hours
Til it was time for a shower
Nellie watched TV all day
And in her comfy bed she lay
Counting the hours
Til it was time for a shower
Then off to the firework display
Sally ran the charity shop
Sally ran the charity shop
Every item a pound £ a pop
Sally ran the charity shop
Every item a pound £ a pop
From shiny toy cars
To secondhand bras
Sally ran the charity shop
Every item a pound £ a pop
From shiny toy cars
To secondhand bras
And a book about Jurgen Klopp
A middle aged spinster called Jane
A middle aged spinster called Jane
Was regarded by all as a pain
A middle aged spinster called Jane
Was regarded by all as a pain
Then by chance one dark night
A middle aged spinster called Jane
Was regarded by all as a pain
Then by chance one dark night
Up an alley she had a fright
A middle aged spinster called Jane
Was regarded by all as a pain
Then by chance one dark night
Up an alley she had a fright
And never went there again
A hopeless duffer from Durham
A hopeless duffer from Durham
Didn't understand which way to wear 'em
A hopeless duffer from Durham
Didn't understand which way to wear 'em
So he did up his trews
A hopeless duffer from Durham
Didn't understand which way to wear 'em
So he did up his trews
Then put on his shoes
A hopeless duffer from Durham
Didn't understand which way to wear 'em
So he did up his trews
Then put on his shoes
Being careful not to scuff 'em
(Apologies, I couldn't get anything better to rhyme)
Bernard was watching Countdown one day
Bernard was watching Countdown one day
But got every one wrong to his dismay
Bernard was watching Countdown one day
But got every one wrong to his dismay
The letters whizzed around in his head
Bernard was watching Countdown one day
But got every one wrong to his dismay
The letters whizzed around in his head
So he took himself off to bed
Bernard was watching Countdown one day
But got every one wrong to his dismay
The letters whizzed around in his head
So he took himself off to bed
But couldn't sleep so just lay
I saw that Farage bloke on TV
I saw that Farage bloke on TV
Will he do I'm a Celeb !!, just wait and see
Quote from: Scrumpy on November 09, 2023, 03:31:51 PMI saw that Farage bloke on TV
Will he do I'm a Celeb !!, just wait and see
Spiders and sheep nuts are not for our Nige
I saw the Farage bloke on TV
Will he do I'm a Celeb!! ,just wait and see
Spiders and sheep nuts are not for our Nige
A Kangaroo's penis with some balls on the side
I saw the Farage bloke on TV
Will he do I'm a Celeb!! ,just wait and see
Spiders and sheep nuts are not for our Nige
A Kangaroo's penis with some balls on the side
All I can say is rather him than me
Is it true that he'd meet Boris there?
Is it true that he'd meet Boris there?
If so, what an unusual pair
Quote from: Michael Rolls on November 09, 2023, 07:16:10 PMIs it true that he'd meet Boris there?
If so, what an unusual pair
One is slim and one is plump
Is it true that he'd meet Boris there?
If so, what an unusual pair
One is slim and one is plump
Which one will be first for the high jump?
Is it true he'd meet Boris there?
If so, what an unusual pair
One is slim and one is plump
Which one will be first for the high jump ?
Which one will lie and not play fair !
November 09, 2023, 08:08:01 PM
Charlie's trousers were much too tight
Charlie's trousers were much too tight
He did a PJ Proby the other night.
Charlie's trousers were much too tight
He did a PJ Proby the other night.
The trouble was he was shopping in Lidl
Charlie's trousers were much too tight
To get them on was quite a fight
Mike, your page hadn't refreshed, Alex & klondike had already added lines. 😉
Charlie's trousers were much too tight
He did a PJ Proby the other night.
The trouble was he was shopping in Lidl
Looking for some wine, and maybe a toy fiddle
whoops - sorry
Charlie's trousers were much too tight
He did a PJ Proby the other night.
The trouble was he was shopping in Lidl
Looking for some wine, and maybe a toy fiddle
He bent, they split Mabel fainted at the sight.
eh up Scrumps !
Bob went for a massage at Madame Tracey
Bob went for a massage at Madame Tracey
After spotting her in the Co-Op wearing something racy
Bob went for a massage at Madame Tracey
After spotting her in the Co-Op wearing something racy
She greased up her hands with lard from the shop
Bob went for a massage at Madame Tracey
After spotting her in the Co-Op wearing something racy
She greased up her hands with lard from the shop
And kept on rubbing after he begged her to stop
Bob went for a massage at Madame Tracey
After spotting her in the Co-Op wearing something racy
She greased up her hands with lard from the shop
And kept on rubbing after he begged her to stop
Even when she changed into something lacy
A feeble old fellow from York
A feeble old fellow from York
Was out taking a bit of a walk
A feeble old fellow from York
Was out taking a bit of a walk
As he strolled by the Ouse
A feeble old fellow from York
Was out taking a bit of a walk
As he strolled by the Ouse
He thought up a great ruse 💡
A feeble old fellow from York
Was out taking a bit of a walk
As he strolled by the Ouse
He thought up a great ruse 💡
Which he wrote on the pavement with chalk.
XxxxxxxxxxX
A silly young lad name of Ken
A silly young lad name of Ken
Was seen poking his cat with a pen! 🖊
A silly young lad name of Ken
Was seen poking his cat with a pen! 🖊
The moggie got cross
A silly young lad name of Ken
Was seen poking his cat with a pen! 🖊
The moggie got cross
And showed Ken who's boss
A silly young lad name of Ken
Was seen poking his cat with a pen! 🖊
The moggie got cross
And showed Ken who's boss
By chasing him into his den
A newly created Lord Purfleet
A newly created Lord Purfleet
Went on Twitter to make a bold tweet
A newly created Lord Purfleet
Went on Twitter to make a bold tweet
His following dwindled
A newly created Lord Purfleet
Went on Twitter to make a bold tweet
His following dwindled
When he admitted he mingled
A newly created Lord Purfleet
Went on Twitter to make a bold tweet
His following dwindled
When he admitted he mingled
With some of the sailors from the fleet.
*************
Pete really loved eating KFC
Pete really loved eating KFC
He ordered it every Saturday for his tea
Pete really loved eating KFC
He ordered it every Saturday for his tea
Peggy his wife preferred fish 'n chips
(https://www.thedailymeal.com/img/gallery/you-wont-believe-these-things-kfc-has-fried-slideshow/3-Chicken_head-APPhoto.jpg)
Pete really loved eating KFC
He ordered it every Saturday for his tea
Peggy his wife preferred fish 'n chips
Never again would KFC pass her lips
Pete really loved eating KFC
(https://www.thedailymeal.com/img/gallery/you-wont-believe-these-things-kfc-has-fried-slideshow/3-Chicken_head-APPhoto.jpg)Pete really loved eating KFC
He ordered it every Saturday for his tea
Peggy his wife preferred fish 'n chips
Never again would KFC pass her lips
But Nando's was good, on that they agreed.
(That pic would put anyone off, k!)
***************
Ronnie went out on his bike in the rain
Ronnie went out on his bike in the rain
Although he found wet weather a pain
Ronnie went out on his bike in the rain
Although he found wet weather a pain
The wheels slipped and slid
Ronnie went out on his bike in the rain
Although he found wet weather a pain
The wheels slipped and slid
He crashed after the skid
Ronnie went out on his bike in the rain
Although he found wet weather a pain
The wheels slipped and slid
He crashed after the skid
Ended up on his bum in the bus lane !
Alex.... Great last line..
Next?
Alex has gone to her bed! 🛌 😴
Alex has gone to her bed!
The gin went right to her head
Alex has gone to her bed!
The gin went right to her head
She fell over the dog
Alex has gone to her bed!
The gin went right to her head
She fell over the dog
Her brain in a fog
Alex has gone to her bed!
The gin went right to her head
She fell over the dog
Her brain in a fog
Next time she'll drink brandy instead
Rishi has now lost the plot
Rishi has now lost the plot
His reshuffle's a lot of rot
Rishi has now lost the plot
His reshuffle's a lot of rot
Bloody Cameron? He's having a laugh
This lot just make me want to barf
Rishi has now lost the plot
His reshuffle's a lot of rot
Bloody Cameron? He's having a laugh
This lot just make me want to barf
For public opionion, he cares not a jot.
***********
The country's in a bloody mess
The country's in a bloody mess
Who's next for the chop to please the press?
The country's in a bloody mess
Who's next for the chop to please the press?
Here's hoping it's Jeremy Hunt !
The country's in a bloody mess
Who's next for the chop to please the press?
Here's hoping it's Jeremy Hunt !
On Micheal Gove, I'll take a punt
The country's in a bloody mess
Who's next for the chop to please the press?
Here's hoping it's Jeremy Hunt !
On Micheal Gove, I'll take a punt
Well sidestepped Scrumpy I must confess
It really is no laughing matter
It really is no laughing matter
That I'm quite as mad as a hatter!
It really is no laughing matter
That I'm quite as mad as a hatter!
But you're not paid to run our land
It really is no laughing matter
That I'm quite as mad as a hatter!
But you're not paid to run our land
Unlike that lot thinking they're so grand
It really is no laughing matter
That I'm quite as mad as a hatter!
But you're not paid to run our land
Unlike that lot thinking they're so grand
When all they do is natter
An enterprising matelot from Dunedin
An enterprising matelot from Dunedin
Was partial to a wee drop of pink gin
An enterprising matelot from Dunedin
Was partial to a wee drop of pink gin
So he poured out a double
An enterprising matelot from Dunedin
Was partial to a wee drop of pink gin
So he poured out a double
Which just lead to trouble
An enterprising matelot from Dunedin
Was partial to a wee drop of gin
So he poured out a double
Which just led to trouble
When asked 'hello sailor where've you been'
Betty was a wallflower at the local dance
Betty was a wallflower at the local dance
None of the lads even gave her a glance
Betty was a wallflower at the local dance
None of the lads even gave her a glance
But after a stiff drink 🍸
Betty was a wallflower at the local dance
None of the lads even gave her a glance
But after a stiff drink 🍸
One gave her a wink
Betty was a wallflower at the local dance
None of the lads even gave her a glance
But after a stiff drink 🍸
One gave her a wink
Which began a great romance 😍 ❤
Now Ruthio's left the thread
Now Ruthio's left the thread
I too hate starting - that's my dread
Now Ruthio's left the thread
I too hate starting - that's my dread
It's ending for me that's tough
Now Ruthio's left the thread
I too hate starting - that's my dread
It's ending for me that's tough
I'm so sorry mine wasn't enough! 😪
Now Ruthio's left the thread
I too hate starting - that's my dread
It's ending for me that's tough
I'm so sorry mine wasn't enough! 😪
Last line from me then off to bed.
There once was a slick man from Witney
Now Ruthio's left the thread
I too hate starting - that's my dread
It's ending for me that's tough
I'm so sorry mine wasn't enough! 😪
Last line from me then off to bed.
There once was a slick man from Witney
Who boasted he had a chateau in Brittany
There once was a slick man from Witney
Who boasted he had a chateau in Brittany
But as his name was Brian
There once was a slick man from Witney
Who boasted he had a chateau in Brittany
But as his name was Brian
He just might have been lying
There once was a slick man from Witney
Who boasted he had a chateau in Brittany
But as his name was Brian
He just might have been lying
Even though he repeated the litany
A penniless young man from Penzance
A penniless young man from Penzance
Hitched a lift over the water to France
A penniless young man from Penzance
Hitched a lift over the water to France
He launched his dinghy in the rain today
And waved to all those sailing the other way
A penniless young man from Penzance
Hitched a lift over the water to France
He launched his dinghy in the rain today
And waved to those sailing the other way
But the dinghy boys didn't give him a glance.
There was a young man from Beirut
There was a young man from Beirut
Who said lemons were his favourite fruit
There was a young man from Beirut
Who said lemons were his favourite fruit
He picked a few ripe ones
There was a young man from Beirut
Who said lemons were his favourite fruit
He picked a few ripe ones
Which gave him the runs
There was a young man from Beirut
Who said lemons were his favourite fruit
He picked a few ripe ones
Which gave him the runs
So he got some Imodium from Boots
Mr Johnson was quick off the mark
Mr Johnson was quick off the mark
At the 4am running club in his local park
Mr Johnson was quick off the mark
At the 4am running club in his park
With Dylan and Brian hot on his heels
Mr Johnson was quick off the mark
At the 4am running club in his park
With Dylan and Brian hot on his heels
The sight of his knees attracted some squeals
Mr Johnson was quick off the mark
At the 4am running club in his park
With Dylan and Brian hot on his heels
The sight of his knees attracted some squeals
He was relieved it was still pretty dark.
**********
Nadine is advertising her book for sale
Nadine is offering her book for sale
Just like SPARE It's bound to fail
Nadine is offering her book for sale
Just like SPARE It's bound to fail
Poundland's buyer is ready to bid
Twopence a copy then sold for a quid
Nadine is offering her book for sale
Just like SPARE It's bound to fail
Poundland's buyer is ready to bid
Twopence a copy then sold for a quid
Extra charge for copies in Braille.
Jennifer got a new job at a bank
Jennifer got a new job at a bank
Planning an inside job with lover Hank
Jennifer got a new job at a bank
Planning an inside job with lover Hank
So there he was gun pointed at the grille 🔫 🔫
Jennifer got a new job at a bank
Planning an inside job with lover Hank
So there he was gun pointed at the grille 🔫 🔫
Oi there you - here's a bag to fill
Jennifer got a new job at a bank
Planning an inside job with lover Hank
So there he was gun pointed at the grille 🔫 🔫
Oi there you - here's a bag to fill
And off he went to meet his mate Frank
new first line?
I've sorted it for you Ruthie...
Christmas balls are in the shops
Christmas balls are in the shops
For the tree they are the tops
Christmas balls are in the shops
For the tree they are the tops
They came on display end of October
Christmas balls are in the shops
For the tree they are the tops
They came on display end of October
Easter eggs when Christmas is over
Christmas balls are in the shops
For the tree they are the tops
They came on display end of October
Easter eggs when Christmas is over
Then parasols, sun cream, flip flops. 🌞
XxxxxxxxxxX
Jessie was a line dance queen
Jesse was a line dance queen
Cowboy hat and boots... very keen
Jessie was a line dance queen
In her finery she was seen
Sorry Michael.. too slow... x
story of my life!
Jesse was a line dance queen
Cowboy hat and boots... very keen
With speedy feet she flew
Jesse was a line dance queen
Cowboy hat and boots... very keen
With speedy feet she flew
Every step and move she knew
Jesse was a line dance queen
Cowboy hat and boots... very keen
With speedy feet she flew
Every step and move she knew
Impressing all with her new routine.
There was an old sheepdog called Sam
There was an old sheepdog called Sam
Whose favourite treat was tinned Spam
There was an old sheepdog called Sam
Whose favourite treat was tinned Spam
If Spam wasn't offered
There was an old sheepdog called Sam
Whose favourite treat was tinned Spam
If Spam wasn't offered
Sam was well bovvered
There was an old sheepdog called Sam
Whose favourite treat was tinned Spam
If Spam wasn't offered
Sam was well bovvered
But well pleased with a plate of boiled ham.
Brian's Christmas tree looked a bit forlorn
Brian's Christmas tree looked a bit forlorn
When he looked his balls had gone
Brian's Christmas tree looked a bit forlorn
When he looked his balls had gawn
The fairy had lost her frock
Brian's Christmas tree looked a bit forlorn
When he looked his balls had gawn
The fairy had lost her frock
Peter and Andy had run amok
Brian's Christmas tree looked a bit forlorn
When he looked his balls had gawn
The fairy had lost her frock
Peter and Andy had run amok
And the carpet was covered with popcorn.
Someone else like to start one ?
Someone else like to start one ?
Not I - that's a task I have to shun
Someone else like to start one ?
Not I - that's a task I have to shun
because it's so hard
Someone else like to start one ?
Not I - that's a task I have to shun
because it's so hard
For a third rate bard
Someone else like to start one ?
Not I - that's a task I have to shun
because it's so hard
For a third rate bard
To come up with even a pun
A foolish old fellow from Leicester
A foolish old fellow from Leicester
Always wore a yellow sou'wester
A foolish old fellow from Leicester
Always wore a yellow sou'wester
He'd dance in the rain
A foolish old fellow from Leicester
Always wore a yellow sou'wester
He'd dance in the rain
And became quite a pain
A foolish old fellow from Leicester
Always wore a yellow sou'wester
He'd dance in the rain
And became quite a pain
So was known as the city's own jester
November 19, 2023, 11:57:23 AM
A bright young spark from Wrexham
A bright young spark from Wrexham
Supercharges his cars and then wrecks 'em
A bright young spark from Wrexham
Supercharges his cars and then wrecks 'em
One wrapped round a post another a tree
A bright young spark from Wrexham
Supercharges his cars and then wrecks 'em
One wrapped round a post another a tree
He'd never get a start in a Grand Prix
A bright young spark from Wrexham
Supercharges his cars and then wrecks 'em
One wrapped round a post another a tree
He'd never get a start in a Grand Prix
Plus all those fines - no wonder he's glum
He overtook Brian one fateful day
He overtook Brian one fateful day
I have a private pension, you could hear Brian say
He overtook Brian one fateful day
I have a private pension, you could hear Brian say
And my daughters are nurses healing the sick
He overtook Brian one fateful day
I have a private pension, you could hear Brian say
And my daughters are nurses healing the sick
I chat with my doggies then throw them a stick
He overtook Brian one fateful day
I have a private pension, you could hear Brian say
And my daughters are nurses healing the sick
I chat with my doggies and throw them a stick
I have phoned the police they are on their way
November 19, 2023, 03:56:15 PM
Beryl was a fairy in the Christmas show
He overtook Brian one fateful day
I have a private pension, you could hear Brian say
And my daughters are nurses healing the sick
I chat with my doggies then throw them a stick
Then the 4AM running club's back, hip hooray !
There was once a bus driver called Brenda
Sorry Alex, Scrumpy got there first!
Beryl was a fairy in the Christmas show
16 stone and her face all aglow
Beryl was a fairy in the Christmas show
16 stone and her face all aglow
Her tutu was a little tight
Sorry folks dunno how that happened as I posted an hour after Scrumps :rolleyes:
Beryl was a fairy in the Christmas show
16 stone and her face all aglow
Her tutu was a little tight
Her plastic wings not made for flight
Caught out by the New button and not spotting there was another page Alex. Everybody has done it.
Beryl was a fairy in the Christmas show
16 stone and her face all aglow
Her tutu was a little tight
Her plastic wings not made for flight
To get airborn she'd need a tow.
She tried a run and then a jump
She tried a run and then a jump
saoring over the village pump
She tried a run and then a jump
soaring over the village pump
She landed in a messy heap
She tried a run and then a jump
soaring over the village pump
She landed in a messy heap
Hard enough to make her weep
She tried a run and then a jump
soaring over the village pump
She landed in a messy heap
Hard enough to make her weep
Sat in a puddle she felt a real chump
Stanley was sat in the barbers shop
Stanley was sat in the barbers shop
'Just a weeny bit off the top'
Stanley was sat in the barbers shop
'Just a weeny bit off the top'
But the barber had other ideas
Stanley was sat in the barbers shop
'Just a weeny bit off the top'
But the barber had other ideas
The little he left just lead to tears
Stanley was sat in the barbers shop
'Just a weeny bit off the top'
But the barber had other ideas
The little he left just lead to tears
His street credit had gone to pot
November 20, 2023, 12:43:48 PM
Betty had an admirer who sent a box of chocs
Betty had an admirer who sent a box of chocs
But not being hungry she stuck it behind the clocks
Betty had an admirer who sent a box of chocs
But not being hungry she stuck it behind the clocks
There they melted - oh deary dear.
Betty had an admirer who sent a box of chocs
But not being hungry she stuck it behind the clocks
There they melted - oh deary dear.
Poor Betty, she shed a tear
Betty had an admirer who sent a box of chocs
But not being hungry she stuck it behind the clocks
There they melted - oh deary dear.
Poor Betty, she shed a tear
All she had now was a sticky box
For some odd reason I just thought of Phil
For some odd reason I just thought of Phil
who is always a friend if someone is ill
For some odd reason I just thought of Phil
Who is always a friend if someone is ill
Then blow me down he's just reappeared
That's spooky eh - just really weird
For some odd reason I just thought of Phil
Who is always a friend if someone is ill
Then blow me down he's just reappeared
That's spooky eh - just really weird
I think he has s a friend called Bill
A foolish old duffer called Clive
A foolish old duffer called Clive
Got up every morning at five
A foolish old duffer called Clive
Got up every morning at five
He walked for his paper
A foolish old duffer called Clive
Got up every morning at five
He walked for his paper
A five minute caper
A foolish old duffer called Clive
Got up every morning at five
He walked for his paper
A five minute caper
Reading the obits to see if he'd died
As Clive ambled along an old fellow ran past
As Clive ambled along an old fellow ran past
With two dogs at his heels he moved very fast
As Clive ambled along an old fellow ran past
With two dogs at his heels he moved very fast
I swear I heard those dogs both talking
As Clive ambled along an old fellow ran past
With two dogs at his heels he moved very fast
I swear I heard those dogs both talking
Worried the fella following was stalking
As Clive ambled along an old fellow ran past
With two dogs at his heels he moved very fast
I swear I heard those dogs both talking
Worried the fella following was stalking
But he wasn't and as usual Clive came last
A little Frenchman called Pierre
A little Frenchman called Pierre
Tripped and fell on his derriere
A little Frenchman called Pierre
Tripped and fell on his derrière
His onions went flying
A little Frenchman called Pierre
Tripped and fell on his derrière
His onions went flying
And scattered where he was lying
A little Frenchman called Pierre
Tripped and fell on his derrière
His onions went flying
And scattered where he was lying
Which caused the poor fellow to swear
Bill's little dinghy was swept out to sea
Bill's little dinghy was swept out to sea
when he really wanted to be home for tea
Bill's little dinghy was swept out to sea
when he really wanted to be home for tea
Unfortunately he landed in France
Bill's little dinghy was swept out to sea
when he really wanted to be home for tea
Unfortunately he landed in France
'Asylum?' he asked - no chance
Bill's little dinghy was swept out to sea
when he really wanted to be home for tea
Unfortunately he landed in France
'Asylum?' he asked- no chance
Back home he went where everything's free
Sally dyed her hair a shocking pink
Sally dyed her hair a shocking pink
Possibly this was caused by drink
Sally dyed her hair a shocking pink
Possibly this was caused by drink
with too much gin in the glass
Sally dyed her hair a shocking pink
Possibly this was caused by drink
with too much gin in the glass
She made herself look quite an ass
Sally dyed her hair a shocking pink
Possibly this was caused by drink
with too much gin in the glass
She made herself look quite an ass
Lucky not to end up in clink
Her boyfriend Harry was a sober lad
Her boyfriend Harry was a sober lad
But his eating habits were really bad
Her boyfriend Harry was a sober lad
But his eating habits were really bad
He'd slobber over food
Her boyfriend Harry was a sober lad
But his eating habits were really bad
He'd slobber over food
His manners were really crude
Her boyfriend Harry was a sober lad
But his eating habits were really bad
He'd slobber over food
His manners were really crude
In fact, he was quite a cad
There once was a man from Pitlochry
There once was a man from Pitlochry
Who attempted to train his pet flea
There once was a man from Pitlochry
Who attempted to train his pet flea
But it bit him all over
There once was a man from Pitlochry
Who attempted to train his pet flea
But it bit him all over
And his poor dog named Rover
There once was a man from Pitlochry
Who attempted to train his pet flea
But it bit him all over
And his poor dog named Rover
I cant think of a rhyming word for the life of me 🙄
XxxxxxxxxxX
Geordie liked a game of pool
Geordie liked a game of pool
He beat the others as a rule
Geordie liked a game of pool
He beat the others as a rule
Sinking balls just like a pro
Geordie liked a game of pool
He beat the others as a rule
Sinking balls just like a pro
With trick shots he put on a show
Quote from: GrannyMac on November 23, 2023, 05:57:35 PMThere once was a man from Pitlochry
Who attempted to train his pet flea
But it bit him all over
And his poor dog named Rover
I cant think of a rhyming word for the life of me 🙄
XxxxxxxxxxX
Geordie liked a game of pool
rockery, mockery
November 24, 2023, 04:03:57 AMGeordie liked a game of pool
He beat the others as a rule
Sinking balls just like a pro
With trick shots he put on a show
And folk thought him quite cool
A old married couple from Cardiff
Brain wasn't working Mike!
An old married couple from Cardiff
Were happiest sharing a large spliff
An old married couple from Cardiff
Were happiest sharing a spliff
They got as high as a kite
An old married couple from Cardiff
Were happiest sharing a spliff
They got as high as a kite
And shouted 'all right!'
An old married couple from Cardiff
Were happiest sharing a spiff
They got as high as a kite
And shouted 'all right'
And in the daytime they just got pissed
The elastic went 'ping' in Rosie's drawers
The elastic went 'ping' in Rosie's drawers
Bought 20 years ago from British Home Stores
Quote from: klondike on November 24, 2023, 02:08:59 PMThe elastic went 'ping' in Rosie's drawers
Bought 20 years ago from British Home Stores
:grin: :grin: had to laugh outloud at that line !
The elastic went 'ping' in Rosie's drawers
Bought 20 years ago from British Home Stores
They'd washed and washed and still looked good
The elastic went 'ping' in Rosie's drawers
Bought 20 years ago in British Home Stores
They'd washed and washed and still looked good
Should she pick them up !.. She knew she should
The elastic went 'ping' in Rosie's drawers
Bought 20 years ago in British Home Stores
They'd washed and washed and still looked good
Should she pick them up !.. She knew she should
Just use her card and buy some more.
(Drawers and stores just don't rhyme in a Scottish accent! Raven would back me up 😂). The rhyming with the next one will be interesting....🤔
Maisie liked afternoon tea with a scone
Maisie liked afternoon tea with a scone
The way she gobbled it was soon gone.
(I think the easier option both times plus I've never known a Scots lady well enough to be discussing her underwear of course :grin: )
Quote from: klondike on November 24, 2023, 07:22:45 PMMaisie liked afternoon tea with a scone
The way she gobbled it was soon gone.
(I think the easier option both times plus I've never known a Scots lady well enough to be discussing her underwear of course :grin: ). 😂😂
Maisie liked afternoon tea with a scone
The way she gobbled it was soon gone (nice one klondike)
Piling on the jam and cream
Maisie liked afternoon tea with a scone
The way she gobbled it was soon gone (nice one klondike)
Piling on the jam and cream
And said 'It's what it may seem'
Maisie liked afternoon tea with a scone
The way she gobbled it was soon gone (nice one klondike)
Piling on the jam and cream
And said 'It's what it may seem'
But I wont be doing the marathon
There once was a baker called Pat
There once was a Baker called Pat
Whose cakes didn't rise, just stayed flat
There once was a Baker called Pat
Whose cakes didn't rise, just stayed flat
As he said in despair
There once was a Baker called Pat
Whose cakes didn't rise, just stayed flat
As he said in despair
It just isn't fair
There once was a Baker called Pat
Whose cakes didn't rise, just stayed flat
As he said in despair
It just isn't fair
I'll bake pies instead and that's that
Barry came last in the three legged race
Barry came last in the three legged race
As hard as he tried, he couldn't keep up the pace
Barry came last in the three legged race
As hard as he tried he couldn't keep up the pace
His partner was Lil' who was four foot three
Barry came last in the three legged race
As hard as he tried he couldn't keep up the pace
His partner was Lil' who was four foot three
Unfortunately for Barry she was an amputee 🤐
Barry came last in the three legged race
As hard as he tried he couldn't keep up the pace
His partner was Lil' who was four foot three
Unfortunately for Barry she was an amputee
So he tripped and fell flat on his face :grin: :grin: :grin:
AS I was strolling in the park
As I was strolling in the park
I had an idea for an amusing lark
As I was strolling in the park
I had an idea for an amusing lark
I'd skinny dip with the ducks and drakes
As I was strolling in the park
I had an idea for an amusing lark
I'd skinny dip with the ducks and drakes
And try to avoid the water snakes
As I was strolling in the park
I had an idea for an amusing lark
I'd skinny dip with the ducks and drakes
And try to avoid the water snakes
But, with my body, I'll wait till dark
November 26, 2023, 04:35:22 PM
Maisie found a lover on the Internet
Maisie found a lover on the Internet
He was a reporter on the local Gazette
Maisie found a lover on the Internet
He was a reporter on the local Gazette
He wined her and dined her
Maisie found a lover on the Internet
He was a reporter on the local Gazette
He wined her and dined her
And then he confined her
Maisie found a lover on the internet
He was a reporter on the local Gazette
He wined her and dined her
And then he confined her
He turned out to be Nigerian and got her into debt
Wally 'played away from home' with 'er at 23
Wally 'played away from home' with 'er at 23
He got excited when she put him across her knee
Wally 'played away from home' with 'er at 23
He got excited when she put him across her knee
He snook in the back door so's not to be seen
Wally 'played away from home' with 'er at 23
He got excited when she put him across her knee
He snook in the back door so's not to be seen
If his wife found out she'd likely turn mean
Wally 'played away from home' with 'er at 23
He got excited when she put him across her knee
He snook in the back door so's not to be seen
If his wife found out she'd likely turn mean
But Wally was prepared with his not guilty plea
The vicar had just finished morning service
The vicar had just finished morning service
And was having a sneaky gin with Molly Purvis
The vicar had just finished morning service
And was having a sneaky gin with Molly Purvis
Ample curves and long blonde hair
The vicar had just finished morning service
And was having a sneaky gin with Molly Purvis
Ample curves and long blonde hair
He was blessed by God so he had no care
The vicar had just finished morning service
And was having a sneaky gin with Molly Purvis
Ample curves and long blonde hair
He was blessed by God so he had no care
For Temptation he knew he'd rely on Jesus. :rolleyes:
Molly Purvis was a WI member
Molly Purvis was a WI member
She pulled a cracker with the vicar every December
Molly Purvis was a WI member
She pulled a cracker with the vicar every December
Handle that gently Molly dear
Molly Purvis was a WI member
She pulled a cracker with the vicar every December
Handle that gently Molly dear
Or the penny whistle you will not hear
Molly Purvis was a WI member
She pulled a cracker with the vicar every December
Handle that gently Molly dear
Or the penny whistle you will not hear
But Molly had dementia, and could not remember.
XxxxxxxxxxxX
Helen decided to buy a new car
Helen decided to buy a new car
Her old banger didn't go very far
Helen decided to buy a new car
Her old banger didn't go very far
She wanted a Porsche in brilliant red
Helen decided to buy a new car
Her old banger didn't go very far
She wanted a Porsche in brilliant red
But had to settle for a Fiat instead
Helen decided to buy a new car
Her old banger didn't go very far
She wanted a Porsche in brilliant red
But had to settle for a Fiat instead
Then met a Sugar Daddy.. Hoorah !!
He bought her a Porsche in brilliant red
He bought her a Porsche in brilliant red
So much cheaper than getting wed
He bought her a Porsche in brilliant red
So much cheaper than getting wed
She told him she loved him but that was lie
He bought her a Porsche in brilliant red
So much cheaper than getting wed
She told him she loved him but that was lie
Though she certainly loved the things he could buy
He bought her a Porsche in brilliant red
So much cheaper than getting wed
She told him she loved him but that was a lie
Though she certainly loved the things he could buy
She wore him out when in bed..at 103 the old man was dead
November 29, 2023, 03:49:56 PM
Alfie was a dame in the Christmas show
Alfie was a dame in the Christmas show
Well padded chest, hair up in a bow
Alfie was a dame in the Christmas show
Well padded chest, hair up in a bow
Red lipstick , pink rouge, done up to the nines
Alfie was a dame in the Christmas show
Well padded chest, hair up in a bow
Red lipstick , pink rouge, done up to the nines
But Alfie had a problem remembering his lines
Alfie was a dame in the Christmas show
Well padded chest, hair up in a bow
Red lipstick , pink rouge, done up to the nines
But Alfie had a problem remembering his lines
So he had to impovise just like an old pro
Whatever happened to salesmen at the door?
Whatever happened to salesmen at the door
The housewives friend with bargains galore
Whatever happened to salesmen at the door
The housewives friend with bargains galore
A mop for the floor and a brush for the loo
Whatever happened to salesmen at the door
The housewives friend with bargains galore
A mop for the floor and a brush for the loo
A pack of yellow dusters, scissors and some glue
Whatever happened to the salesman at the door
The housewives friend with bargains galore
A mop for the floor and a brush for the loo
A pack of yellow dusters, scissors and some glue
But now we have Amazon so they are needed no more
November 30, 2023, 05:11:19 PM
Freddie's teeth fell out on the Big Dipper ride
Freddie's teeth fell out on the Big Dipper ride
Oh no! Now where will he hide!
Freddie's teeth fell out on the Big Dipper ride
Oh no! Now where will he hide!
He spotted them on top of the candy floss machine
Freddie's teeth fell out on the Big Dipper ride
Oh no! Now where will he hide!
He spotted them on top of the candy floss machine
In a strange grimace, they were a fetching shade of green
Freddie's teeth fell out on the Big Dipper ride
Oh no! Now where will he hide!
He spotted them on top of the candy floss machine
In a strange grimace, they were a fetching shade of green
Little Bobbie's mummy fainted. And little Bobby cried
'I know nuffink' Scrumpy cried
'I know nuffink' Scrumpy cried
Apart from that this thread had died
'I know nuffink' Scrumpy cried
Apart from that this thread had died
She'd popped to the Co-op, no thought of a rhyme
No first line was written, she didn't have time
'I know nuffink' Scrumpy cried
Apart from that this thread had died
She'd popped to the Co-op, no thought of a rhyme
No first line was written, she didn't have time
Perhaps she was asking Tracey for some sort of guide?
Oh rats now I will have to think hard [2110]
I know nuffink' Scrumpy cried
Apart from that this thread has died
She'd popped to the Co-op, no thought of a rhyme
No first line was written, she didn't have time
I was at the Co-op.. To get some pies
The window cleaner got a shock
The window cleaner got a shock
Scrumpy had just taken off her frock
Bright red knickers with a black bra
The window cleaner got a shock
Scrumpy had just taken off her frock
Bright red knickers with a black bra
Dancing to the radio Ooh la la!
The window cleaner got a shock
Scrumpy had just taken off her frock
Bright red knickers with a black bra
Dancing to the radio Ooh la la!
She was always fond of a bit of hard rock !
A painter who lived in North Wales
A painter who lived in North Wales
Was partial to loving just males
A painter who lived in North Wales
Was partial to loving just males
His boyfriend called Gwilym
A painter who lived in North Wales
Was partial to loving just males
His boyfriend called Gwilym
was ever quite willin'
A painter who lived in North Wales
Was partial to loving just males
His boyfriend called Gwilym
was ever quite willin'
To do the dance of the seven veils
Essex girls can be so funny
Essex girls can be so funny
They have big lips and are called 'Hunny'
Essex girls can be so funny
They have big lips and are called 'Hunny'
Their boyfriends are all big and tough
Essex girls can be so funny
They have big lips and are called 'Hunny'
Their boyfriends all are big and tough
They deal in Motors, Jewels and Dodgy stuff
Essex girls can be so funny
They have big lips and are called 'Hunny'
Their boyfriends all are big and tough
They deal in Motors, Jewels and Dodgy stuff
They shout 'alright' and brag about money. 💴
************
Dougie liked wearing the kilt every day
Dougie liked wearing the kilt every day
Except when the wind blew a particular way
Dougie liked wearing the kilt every day
Except when the wind blew a particular way
He crossed his legs, his sporran held tight
Dougie liked wearing the kilt every day
Except when the wind blew a particular way
He crossed his legs, his sporran held tight
Holding on to his jewels with all his might
Dougie liked wearing the kilt every day
Except when the wind blew a particular way
He crossed his legs, his sporran held tight
Holding on to his jewels with all his might
All was well til his kilt started to fray.
Taffy kept a herd of sheep
Taffy kept a herd of sheep
His feelings for them went quite deep
Taffy kept a herd of sheep
His feelings for them went quite deep
He gave them all a name
Taffy kept a herd of sheep
His feelings for them went quite deep
He gave them all a name
But remembering them was quite a game
Taffy kept a herd of sheep
His feelings for them went quite deep
He gave them all a name
But remembering them was quite a game
When he was trying to go to sleep
XxxxxxxxxxX
Eddie was a steward on a big cruise ship
Eddie was a steward on a big cruise ship
He made cocktails which the posh people sipped
Eddie was a steward on a big cruise ship
He made cocktails which the posh people sipped
Some folks of course were far from posh
Eddie was a steward on a big cruise ship
He made cocktails which the posh people sipped
Some folks of course were far from posh
They had no finesse , but loads of dosh
Eddie was a steward on a big cruise ship
He made cocktails which the posh people sipped
Some folks of course were far from posh
They had no finesse , but loads of dosh
Footballers' wives with new boobs and lips.
XxxxxxxxxxX
He had a mate called George who was cabin crew
He had a mate called George who was cabin crew
And a singer/dancer who's name was Lou
He had a mate called George who was cabin crew
And a singer/dancer who's name was Lou
Together they made quite a trio
He had a mate called George who was cabin crew
And a singer/dancer who's name was Lou
Together they made quite a trio
And when the ship docked in Rio
He had a mate called George who was cabin crew
And a singer/dancer who's name was Lou
Together they made quite a trio
And when the ship docked in Rio
They showed what three dancers could do!
A lazy young schoolboy from Nuneaton
A lazy young schoolboy from Nuneaton
Discovered his lunch had been eaten
A lazy young schoolboy from Nuneaton
Discovered his lunch had been eaten
when demanding 'oo dun it?'
A lazy young schoolboy from Nuneaton
Discovered his lunch had been eaten
when demanding 'oo dun it'
Some one cried ' Fat Billy wannit'
A lazy young schoolboy from Nuneaton
Discovered his lunch had been eaten
when demanding 'oo dunit'
Some one cried ' Fat Billy wannit'
The rest of this limerick has me beaten
December 04, 2023, 08:19:10 PM
Harry rolled home at two in the morn
Harry rolled home at two in the morn
His headache was banging, wished he'd never been born
Harry rolled home at two in the morn
His headache was banging, wished he'd never been born
He called up the dancers, 'are yer awake luv ?
Harry rolled home at two in the morn
His headache was banging, wished he'd never been born
He called up the dancers, 'are yer awake luv ?
I can't find my keys, lost my wallet and gloves
Harry rolled home at two in the morn
His headache was banging, wished he'd never been born
He called up the dancers, 'are yer awake luv ?
I can't find my keys, lost my wallet and gloves
And somehow my trousers are tattered and torn
Boris took the offered cake
Boris took the offered cake
Just as good as Carrie could make
Boris took the offered cake
Just as good as Carrie could make
He knew he shouldn't take a bite
Boris took the offered cake
Just as good as Carrie could make
He knew he shouldn't take a bite
His trousers were already tight
Boris took the offered cake
Just as good as Carrie could make
He knew he shouldn't take a bite
His trousers were already tight
And his belly was starting to ache
Jill went for a walk but it started to rain
Jill went for a walk but it started to rain
Her sidekick Jack said 'What a pain'
Jill went for a walk but it started to rain
Her sidekick Jack said 'What a pain'
You've forgotten your brolly
Jill went for a walk but it started to rain
Her sidekick Jack said 'What a pain'
You've forgotten your brolly
Have you brought any lolly?
Jill went for a walk but it started to rain
Her sidekick Jack said 'What a pain'
You've forgotten your brolly
Have you brought any lolly ?
We'll just pop back in the pub again
Annie put red lippy on for a special date
Annie put red lippy on for a special date
The wrong side of forty, desperate for a mate
Annie put red lippy on for a special date
The wrong side of forty, desperate for a mate
She looked a real treat 😋
Annie put red lippy on for a special date
The wrong side of forty, desperate for a mate
She looked a real treat 😋
Except for her feet
Annie put red lippy on for a special date
The wrong side of forty, desperate for a mate
She looked a real treat 😋
Except for her feet
Well bigger than an eight.
Bonko the clown had lost his shoes
Bonko the clown had lost his shoes
They were on his feet when he went for a snooze
Bonko the clown had lost his shoes
They were on his feet when he went for a snooze
Who else would those giant boots fit?
Bonko the clown had lost his shoes
They were on his feet when he went for a snooze
Who else would those giant shoes fit ?
I think it was Annie.. I think she did it
Nice one Scrumpy - made me smile :grin:
Bonko the clown had lost his shoes
They were on his feet when he went for a snooze
Who else would those giant shoes fit ?
I think it was Annie.. I think she did it
As shops had none in her size to choose
Bonko decided to report this foul crime
Bonko decided to report this foul crime
But couldn't remember when he had them last time
Bonko decided to report this foul crime
But couldn't remember when he had them last time
They were certainly gone when he awoke
Bonko decided to report this foul crime
But couldn't remember when he had them last time
They were certainly gone when he awoke
So decided he'd have a quick smoke
Bonko decided to report this foul crime
But couldn't remember when he had them last time
They were certainly gone when he awoke
So decided he'd have a quick smoke
And hope that something in his brain might chime
****** ******
Billy was a boxer at his local gym
Billy was a boxer at his local gym
Ears made of cauliflour he had a thick skin
Billy was a boxer at his local gym
Ears made of cauliflower he had a thick skin
Although he sparred there every day
Billy was a boxer at his local gym
Ears made of cauliflower he had a thick skin
Although he sparred there every day
Being a bit punch drunk he lost his way
Billy was a boxer at his local gym
Ears made of cauliflower he had a thick skin
Although he sparred there every day
Being a bit punch drunk he lost his way
So, don't do boxing because you will never win
Rita could spell cabbage but got cauliflower wrong
Haha! :busted:
Rita could spell cabbage but got cauliflower wrong
An old pedant corrected her, it didn't take long
Rita could spell cabbage but got cauliflower wrong
An old pedant corrected her, it didn't take long
Something one old duffer didn't even spot :rolleyes:
Rita could spell cabbage but got cauliflower wrong
An old pedant corrected her, it didn't take long
Something one old duffer didn't even spot :rolleyes:
Some of us don't know much, but our spelling's pretty hot
Rita could spell cabbage but got cauliflower wrong
An old pendant corrected her, it didn't take long
Something one old duffer didn't even spot :rolleyes:
Some of us don't know much but our spelling's pretty hot
Well done Granny.. Hoorah ! ... Ding Dong !!
Betty won the raffle at the social club
Betty won the raffle at the social club
Some smelly bath salts to put in the tub
Betty won the raffle at the social club
Some smelly bath salts to put in the tub
She sulked because she wanted the gin
Betty won the raffle at the social club
Some smelly bath salts to put in the tub
She sulked because she wanted the gin
But that had gone to that old soak Gwynne
Betty won the raffle at the social club
Some smelly bath salts to put in the tub
She sulked because she wanted the gin
But that had gone to that old soak Gwynne
Not to worry she thought, heading for the pub
There was a young lady from Paris
There was a young lady from Paris
Who drove a pink Toyota Yaris
There was a young lady from Paris
Who drove a pink Toyota Yaris
Sad to say it broke down yesterday
There was a young lady from Paris
Who drove a pink Toyota Yaris
Sad to say it broke down yesterday
And bits dropped off it all the way
There was a young lady from Paris
Who drove a pink Toyota Yaris
Sad to say it broke down yesterday
And bits dropped off it all the way
So she got a lift from her friend called Carys
XxxxxxxxxxX
Sally was Christmas shopping in town
Sally was Christmas shopping in town
Some smelly candles, a warm dressing gown
Sally was Christmas shopping in town
Some smelly candles, a warm dressing gown
She maxed out her card
Sally was Christmas shopping in town
Some smelly candles, a warm dressing gown
She maxed out her card
which wasn't too hard
Sally was Christmas shopping in town
Some smelly candles, a warm dressing gown
She maxed out her card
which wasn't too hard
and was left with only a pound
Beryl went to London to see the Christmas lights
Beryl went to London to see the Christmas lights
Never before had she seen such sights
Beryl went to London to see the Christmas lights
Never before had she seen such sights
Then after two glasses of warming mulled wine
Beryl went to London to see the Christmas lights
Never before had she seen such sights
Then after two glasses of warming mulled wine
the lights became bigger and so did their shine
Beryl went to London to see the Christmas lights
Never before had she seen such sights
Then after two glasses of warming mulled wine
The lights became bigger and so did their shine
Until she slipped over and buggered her tights
Santa was busy loading his sleigh
Santa was busy loading his sleigh
Christmas was coming so he couldn't delay
Santa was busy loading his sleigh
Christmas was coming so he couldn't delay
The elves were no help - all blind drunk
Santa was busy loading his sleigh
Christmas was coming so he couldn't delay
The elves were no help - all blind drunk
And most of the gifts were expensive junk
Santa was busy loading his sleigh
Christmas was coming so he couldn't delay
The elves were no help- all blind drunk
And most of the gifts were expensive junk
Made in Mumbai.. That was once Bombay
Nigel ate a penis.. and some camel eyes too
Nigel ate a penis.. and some camel eyes too
Could have been worse - maybe crocodile poo
Nigel ate a penis.. and some camel eyes too
Could have been worse - maybe crocodile poo
He bravely chomped and down they slid
Nigel ate a penis.. and some camel eyes too
Could have been worse - maybe crocodile poo
He bravely chomped and down they slid
He then threw up in a nearby grid :rolleyes:
Nigel ate a penis.. and some camel eyes too
Could have been worse - maybe crocodile poo
He bravely chomped and down they slid
He then threw up in a nearby grid
And prayed for something better to chew
I'd really love to see Nigel win
I'd really love to see Nigel win
We'll know tonight when the votes are in
I'd really love to see Nigel win
We'll know tonight when the votes are in
I hope he wins votes in the jungle and out
I'd really love to see Nigel win
We'll know tonight when the votes are in
I hope he wins votes in the jungle and out
He'll have lots of support - of that there's no doubt
Quote from: klondike on December 10, 2023, 06:52:01 PMI'd really love to see Nigel win
We'll know tonight when the votes are in
I hope he wins votes in the jungle and out
He'll have lots of support - of that there's no doubt
I opened the app on my phone, but there is no opportunity to vote yet.
At what time does the voting begin?
I opened the app on my phone, but there is no opportunity to vote yet.
At what time does the voting begin?
Not to vote would be a sin :grin: :grin: :grin:
I'd really love to see Nigel win
We'll know tonight when the votes are in
I hope he wins votes in the jungle and out
He'll have lots of support - of that there's no doubt
He's done himself proud, Nigel for king!
*************
They're doing the trials, there's offal and 🐜 ants
They're doing the trials, there's offal and 🐜 ants
Best to wear some tight fitting pants
They're doing the trials, there's offal and 🐜 ants
Best to wear some tight fitting pants
Nigel braved snakes but he still didn't win
They're doing the trials, there's offal and 🐜 ants
Best to wear some tight fitting pants
Nigel braved snakes but he still didn't win
He'll just have to take it on the chin
They're doing the trials, there's offal and 🐜 ants
Best to wear some tight fitting pants
Nigel braved snakes but he still didn't win
He'll just have to take it on the chin
So here's to him anyway, cheers, chin chin!
************
Two weeks to Christmas, and nothing done
Two weeks to Christmas, and nothing done
Ah well, there's always a hot cross bun!
Two weeks to Christmas, and nothing done
Ah well, there's always a hot cross bun!
Motivation is lacking
Really should get cracking!
Two weeks to Christmas , and nothing done
Ah well, there's always a hot cross bun !
Motivation is lacking
Really should get cracking
I'll not be going on the Christmas run
The blueberries rolled all over the floor
The blueberries rolled all over the floor
I ate them anyway and then bought more
The blueberries rolled all over the floor
I ate them anyway and then bought more
I lost my Lemon Chicken, heaven knows where
The blueberries rolled all over the floor
I ate them anyway and then bought more
I lost my Lemon Chicken, heaven knows where
It's not been a good week for the Frigidaire
The blueberries rolled all over the floor
I ate them anyway and then bought more
I lost my Lemon Chicken, heaven knows where
It's not been a good week for the Frigidaire
And grovelling around has made my knees sore
My internet is on the blink
My internet is on the blink
Bad weather's the reason I think
My internet is on the blink
Bad weather's the reason I think
With no information, what should I do?
My internet is on the blink
Bad weather's the reason I think
With no information, what should I do?
I'll go and ask Tracey at the Co-op, that's who
My internet is on the blink
Bad weather's the reason I think
With no information, what should I do?
I'll go and ask Tracey at the Co-op, that's who
She's no idea, she said use pen and ink!
XxxxxxxxxxX
If we had no forum what would we do?
If we had no forum what would we do ?
Boring bloody housework and bloody washing too
If we had no forum what would we do ?
Boring bloody housework and bloody washing too
Cakes and pies galore
If we had no forum what would we do ?
Boring bloody housework and bloody washing too
Cakes and pies galore
Yumyums and doughnuts and more
If we had no forum what would we do ?
Boring bloody housework and blood washing too
Cakes and pies galore
Yumyums and doughnuts and more
We would all be fat... boo hoo !
Marlene whispered in Santa's ear
Marlene whispered in Santa's ear
'What would you like for Christmas my dear?'
Marlene whispered in Santa's ear
' What would you like for Christmas my dear'?
Santa's nose went the brightest red
Marlene whispered in Santa's ear
' What would you like for Christmas my dear'?
Santa's nose went the brightest red
Glenfiddichs my favourite, it has to be said.
Marlene whispered in Santa's ear
'What would you like for Christmas my dear'
Santa's nose turned the brightest red
Glenfiddichs my favourite ,it has to be said
'Sorry Santa, much too dear.. All you'll get is a bottle of beer'
Marlene whispered in Santa's ear
'What would you like for Christmas my dear'
Santa's nose turned the brightest red
Glenfiddichs my favourite ,it has to be said
'Sorry Santa, much too dear.. All you'll get is a bottle of beer'
Santa's sleigh was all ready to go
Santa's sleigh was ready to go
But Rudolf and Blitzen were on 'Go slow'
Santa's sleigh was ready to go
But Rudolf and Blitzen were on 'Go slow'
I've not finished my carrots Rudolph cried
Santa's sleigh was all ready to go
But Rudolf and Blitzen were on a 'Go slow'
I've not finished my carrots Rudolph cried
Poor old Rudolph was never satisfied !
Santa's sleigh was all ready to go
But Rudolf and Blitzen were on a 'Go slow'
I've not finished my carrots Rudolph cried
Poor old Rudolph was never satisfied !
So Santa promised them a bonus, hohoho :x14:
:x16: :x15: :x14: :x15: :x16:
Betty loved a mulled wine or three
Betty loved a mulled wine or three
And she would end up feeling very squiffy
Betty loved a mulled wine or three
And she would end up feeling very squiffy
To get her in the festive mood
Betty loved a mulled wine or three
And she would end up feeling very squiffy
To get her in the festive mood
She'd gobble loads of Christmas food
Betty loved a mulled wine or three
And she would end up feeling very squiffy
To get her in the festive mood
She'd gobble loads of Christmas food
Then lie down under the Christmas tree.
:x9: :x9:
The Christmas lights are twinkling and bright
The Christmas lights are twinkling and bright
They glow even better in the dark of the night
The Christmas lights are twinkling and bright
They glow even better in the dark of the night
The one just there doesn't - I think it has blown
The Christmas lights are twinkling and bright
They glow even better in the dark of the night
The one just there doesn't - I think it has blown
I might just replace it, oh damn, they've all gone
The Christmas lights are twinkling and bright
They glow even better in the dark of the night
The one just there doesn't - I think it has blown
I might just replace it, oh damn, they've all gone
Those big hot flames gave me quite a fright
Where did I stash that Santa suit
Where did I stash that Santa suit
I wore it last year.. looked really cute
Where did I stash that Santa suit
I wore it last year.. looked really cute
Remember now it's in the loft
Where did I stash that Santa suit
I wore it last year.. looked really cute
Remember now it's in the loft
Its nice red velvet, really soft
Where did I stash that Santa suit
I wore it last year.. looked really cute
Remember now it's in the loft
It's nice red velvet, really soft
Well it still fits but there's only one boot :sad:
Party invites. What a pain
Dare we invite Uncle Jack again?
Party invites. What a pain
Dare we invite Uncle Jack again?
He drinks too much, and is really boring
Party invites. What a pain
Dare we invite Uncle Jack again?
He drinks too much, and is really boring
But what's worse is his snoring
Party invites. What a pain
Dare we invite Uncle Jack again?
He drinks too much, and is really boring
But what's worse is his snoring
Plus I still can't clean that carpet stain
I'm really late putting up the tree
I'm really late putting up the tree
Last year the dog used it to have a wee
I'm really late putting up the tree
Last year the dog used it to have a wee
Febreeze and Dettol got rid of the pong
Some of it anyway - it's still quite strong
I'm really late putting up the tree
Last year the dog used it to have a wee
Febreeze and Detol got rid of the pong
Some of it anyway- it's still quite strong
All the dogs from around will be visiting thee
Mabel waited for Santa to call
Mabel waited for Santa to call
She longed for a present mo matter how small
Mabel waited for Santa to call
She longed for a present no matter how small
On Christmas morning under the tree
Mabel waited for Santa to call
She longed for a present no matter how small
On Christmas morning under the tree
There was something big.She was full of glee
Mabel waited for Santa to call
She longed for a present no matter how small
On Christmas morning under the tree
There was something big. She was full of glee
If she downed the lot she'd have to crawl
Hark the church bells - they are ringing
Hark the church bells - they are ringing
Out of tune the choir is singing
Hark the church bells - they are ringing
Out of tune the choir is singing
What's that bloke doing in yonder pew?
Hark the church bells - they are ringing
Out of tune the choir is singing
What's that bloke doing in yonder pew?
Is he ! He's not !! Dirty bugger.. phew!!
Hark the church bells - they are ringing
Out of tune the choir is singing
What's that bloke doing in yonder pew?
Is he ! He's not !! Dirty bugger.. phew!!
Whatever he did, the smell was minging 🤢
:x14: ********** :x10:
In the village he was well known
In the village he was known
For selling manure.. All homegrown !
In the village he was well known
For selling manure.. All homegrown !
He kept a horse and a pig
In the village he was well known
For selling manure.. All homegrown !
He kept a horse and a pig
Who was fond of a fig
In the village he was well known
For selling manure.. All homegrown !
He kept a horse and a pig
Who was fond of a fig
He'd leap up to catch any thrown
The horse preferred some fresh mown hay
The horse preferred some new mown hay
When he was hungry, he'd loudly neigh
The horse preferred some new mown hay
When he was hungry, he'd loudly neigh
Sadly hay caused a problem when he was pulling a cart
The horse preferred some new mown hay
When he was hungry, he'd loudly neigh
Sadly hay caused a problem when he was pulling a cart
The effort made him burp, and strained his heart (😉)
Its not how old you are, but how you are old
Is a line I've often been told
The horse preferred some new mown hay
When he was hungry, he'd loudly neigh
Sadly hay caused a problem when he was pulling a cart
The effort made him burp, and strained his heart (😉)
And so his regular passengers pray
Alfie supported Man United
Alfie supported Man United
At every match he'd get over excited
Alfie supported Man United
At every match he'd get over excited
When would that expensive forward score
Alfie supported Man United
At every match he'd get over excited
When would that expensive forward score
When Lord Lucan walked thru the door ?
Alfie supported Man United
At every match he'd get over excited
When would that expensive forward score
When Lord Lucan walked thru the door ?
When they lost, his mood was blighted.
:x7: :x7: :x7: :x7:
Tis the season of joy and cheer
Tis the season of joy and cheer
For all those flogging tat off dear
Tis the season of joy and cheer
For all those flogging tat off dear
The Christmas markets are all rammed
Tis the season of joy and cheer
For all those flogging tat off dear
The Christmas markets are all rammed
At least those that aren't yet banned
Tis the season of joy and cheer
For all those flogging tat off dear
The Christmas markets are all rammed
At least those that aren't yet banned
With punters tipsy on mulled wine and beer 🍻
:x16: :x16: :x16: :x16: :x16:
Jim was on the gates at the football ground
Jim was on the gates at the football ground
His nose was red, feet cold and the ball could not be found
Jim was on the gates at the football ground
His nose was red, feet cold and the ball could not be found
The fans were shouting, open up!
Twas the final of the local brewery cup
Jim was on the gates at the football ground
His nose was red,feet cold and the ball could not be found
The fans were shouting, open up!
Twas the final of the local brewery cup
There'll be drinks all round I'll be bound
Snow was falling all around
Snow was falling all around
Scrumpy's flasher seemed to have gone to ground
Snow was falling all around
Scrumpy's flasher seemed to have gone to ground
Although she'd searched high and low
Snow was falling all around
Scrumpy's flasher seemed to have gone to ground
Although she'd searched high and low
She'd had no luck, she was far too slow
Snow was falling all around
Scrumpy's flasher seemed to have gone to ground
Although she'd searched high and low
She'd had no luck, she was far too slow
So sobbing quietly without a sound
She made enquiries on her local Nextdoor
She made enquiries on her local Nextdoor
And what she read, shook her to the core!
She made enquiries on her local Nextdoor
And what she read, shook her to the core!
Pervs on there in many disguises
She made enquiries on her local next door
And what she read, shook her to the core!
pervs on there in many disguises
Some in frocks coming in many sizes
She made enquiries on her local next door
And what she read, shook her to the core!
pervs on there in many disguises
Some in frocks coming in many sizes
All on the pull and hoping to score
Gary has swapped his boots for the telly
Gary has swapped his boots for the telly
And has become a woke overpaid nelly
Gary has swapped his boots for the telly
And has become a woke overpaid nelly
He should stick to what he knows
Gary has swapped his boots for the telly
And has become a woke overpaid nelly
He should stick to what he knows
Instead of poking in his nose
Gary has swapped his boots for the telly
And has become a woke overpaid nelly
He should stick to what he knows
instead of poking in his nose
About those who prefer dinghies to the ferry
The old folk queued up for their Christmas lunch
The old folk queued up for their Christmas lunch
Sparkly jumpers, paper hats, such a happy bunch
The old folk queued up for their Christmas lunch
Sparkly jumpers, paper hats, such a happy bunch
Then 'Christmas is cancelled' cried one old bloke
The old folk queued up for their Christmas lunch
Sparkly jumpers, paper hats, such a happy bunch
Then 'Christmas is cancelled' cried one old bloke
Word quickly spread round Sutton and as far as Selly Oak
The old folk queued up for their Christmas lunch
Sparkly jumpers, paper hats, such a happy bunch
Then 'Christmas is cancelled' cried one old bloke
Word quickly spread round Sutton and as far as Selly Oak
Was his name Brian? Just a hunch 😉
:x2: :x2:
The old folk decided to carry on to the club
The old folk decided to carry on to the club
An old twerp would not stop something they love
The old folk decided to carry on to the club
An old twerp would not stop something they love
Each was told to "Get a job"
The old folk decided to carry on to the club
An old twerp would not stop something they love
Each was told to "Get a job"
By the brummie with the big gob
The old folk decided to carry on to the club
An old twerp would not stop something they love
Each was told to "Get a job"
By the brummie with the big gob
So they pulled their crackers and ate the grub.
:x10: :x10: :x10: :x10:
It was Christmas Eve, Bet was on the sherry
It was Christmas Eve, Bet was on the sherry
While her mate Lin was necking perry
It was Christmas Eve ,Bet was on the sherry
While her mate Lin was necking perry
Beryl was crying whilst drinking gin
It was Christmas Eve ,Bet was on the sherry
While her mate Lin was necking perry
Beryl was crying whilst drinking gin
Gladys was looking for fag ends in the bin
It was Christmas Eve ,Bet was on the sherry
While her mate Lin was necking perry
Beryl was crying whilst drinking gin
Gladys was looking for fag ends in the bin
All four nuns were making merry
The vicar heard his church bells ringing
The vicar heard his church bells ringing
And down the lane the carollers were singing
The vicar heard his church bells ringing
And down the lane carollers were singing
Little Jimmy was tucked up in his bed
The vicar heard his church bells ringing
And down the lane carollers were singing
Little Jimmy was tucked up in his bed
Only pretending to sleep it must be said
The vicar heard his church bells ringing
And down the lane carollers were singing
Little Jimmy was tucked up in his bed
Only pretending to sleep it must be said
He waited to see what Santa was bringing
Nelly's mince pies were always a hit
Nelly's mince pies were always a hit
Last year one caught Bernie right on the lip
Nelly's mince pies were always a hit
Last year one caught Bernie right on the lip
They had so much brandy
Nelly's mince pies were always a hit
Last year one caught Bernie right on the lip
They had so much brandy
He felt that was dandy
Nelly's mince pies were always a hit
Last year one caught Bernie right on the lip
They had so much brandy
He felt that was dandy
Except for the lbs they put on his hips!
*********
The gifts are wrapped and under the tree
The gifts were wrapped and under the tree
The dog walked past and did a wee
The gifts were wrapped and under the tree
The dog walked past and did a wee
The cat was hiding on a branch up high
The gifts were wrapped and under the tree
The dog walked past and did a wee
The cat was hiding on a branch up high
Hoping to see Santa pass by
The gifts were wrapped and under the tree
The dog walked past and did a wee
The cat was hiding on a branch up high
Hoping to see Santa pass by
Uncle Fred was drunk, as was Nell. Mum was in the kitchen starting tea.
Quote from: Scrumpy on December 24, 2023, 12:39:06 PMThe gifts were wrapped and under the tree
The dog walked past and did a wee
The cat was hiding on a branch up high
Hoping to see Santa pass by
Uncle Fred was drunk, as was Nell. Mum was in the kitchen starting tea.
The office party got off with a bang
The office party got off with a bang
Chief culprits being the usual gang
The office party got off with a bang
Chief culprits being the usual gang
Mandy from HR downing the vodka
The office party got off with a bang
Chief culprits being the usual gang
Mandy from HR downing the brandy (if anybody can rhyme vodka please ignore this post)
Phil from IT as always getting too randy
The office party got off with a bang
Chief culprits being the usual gang
Mandy from HR downing the brandy (if anybody can rhyme vodka please ignore this
Phil from IT as always getting randy. todger ? :x10: but brandy is better
The office party got off with a bang
Chief culprits being the usual gang
Mandy from HR downing the brandy
Phil from IT as always getting randy.
Til Sharon floored him with a bang.
************
The hangovers kicked in, they paid the price
Of too much wine, beer and vodka on ice
The hangovers kicked in, they paid the price
Of too much wine, beer and vodka on ice
Alka Seltzer that's the thing
The hangovers kicked in, they paid the price
Of too much wine, beer and vodka on ice
Alka Seltzer that's the thing
If you want to bring back your zing
The hangovers kicked in, they paid the price
Of too much wine, beer and vodka on ice
Alka Seltzer that's the thing
If you want to bring back your zing
You'll be all sparkly in a trice
It didn't work I still feel rough
Surely three should be enough?
It didn't work I still feel rough
Surely three should be enough?
Perhaps a paracetamol or two
It didn't work I still feel rough
Surely three should be enough?
Perhaps a paracetamol or two
Maybe it's a touch of flu
It didn't work I still feel rough
Surely three should be enough?
Perhaps a paracetamol or two
Maybe it's a touch of flu
Or Covid, judging by the cough.
XxxxxxxxxX
We've drunk Christmas spirits and bottles of wine
We've drunk Christmas spirits and bottles of wine
You had three to each one of mine
We've drunk Christmas spirits and bottles of wine
You had three to each one of mine
Are you suggesting I'm a lush?
We've drunk Christmas spirits and bottles of wine
You had three to each one of mine
Are you suggesting I'm a lush?
Don't worry it'll stay hush hush
We've drunk Christmas spirits and bottles of wine
You had three to each one of mine
Are you suggesting I'm a lush?
Don't worry it'll stay hush hush
I'll show no-one your whisky stein
Ouch! Now I have a blackened eye
Ouch! Now I have a blackened eye
The Scotts can really throw a punch.. aye :nooo:
Ouch! Now I have a blackened eye
The Scotts can really throw a punch.. aye :nooo:
Some folks just can't take a joke
Ouch! Now I have a blackened eye
The Scots can really throw a punch.. aye :nooo:
Some folks just can't take a joke
After all, twas only a wee poke
Ouch! Now I have a blackened eye
The Scots can really throw a punch.. aye :nooo:
Some folks just can't take a joke
After all, twas only a wee poke
You were welcome to the whisky, but you also nicked my pie!
XxxxxxxxxxxxX
In a few days it will be the New Year
In a few days it will be the New Year
More whiskey, Gin and vodka I fear
In a few days it will be the New Year
More whiskey, Gin and vodka I fear
Do you really mean fear or is that hope?
In a few days it will be New Year
More whiskey,Gin and vodka I fear
Do you really mean fear or is that hope?
I am not a drinker so that is a nope
In a few days it will be New Year
More whiskey,Gin and vodka I fear
Do you really mean fear or is that hope?
I am not a drinker so that is a nope
New Year, when many will shed a tear
There was a drag artist called Stan
There was a drag artist called Stan
A disgrace to his poor old mam
There was a drag artist called Stan
A disgrace to his poor old mam
But when Stan became Fran
There was a drag artist called Stan
A disgrace to his poor old mam
But when Stan became Fran
He looked just like his gran!
There was a drag artist called Stan
A disgrace to his poor old mam
But when Stan became Fran
He looked just like his gran!
Something that was never his plan
It must be true. It's here in the Mail
It must be true. It's here in the Mail
That Buckingham Palace is up for SALE
It must be true. It's here in the Mail
That Buckingham Palace is up for SALE
Netflix are making an enormous bid
It must be true. It's here in the Mail
That Buckingham Palace is up for SALE
Netflix are making an enormous bid
Charles is said to be flipping his lid
It must be true. It's here in the Mail
That Buckingham Palace is up for SALE
Netflix are making an enormous bid
Charles is said to be flipping his lid
But let's hope common sense will prevail
Mrs Morgan was famous in her town
Mrs Morgan was famous in her town
Rather than a coat, she wore a dressing gown
Mrs Morgan was famous in her town
Rather than a coat , she wore a dressing gown
It had big red buttons that shone in the dark
Mrs Morgan was famous in her town
Rather than a coat , she wore a dressing gown
It had big red buttons that shone in the dark
Handy when strolling through the park
Mrs Morgan was famous in her town
Rather than a coat, she wore a dressing gown
It had big red buttons that shone in the dark
Handy when strolling through the park
with Wee Willy Winky ,known as Mr Brown
Ethel got the wishbone at a chicken lunch
Ethel got the wishbone at the chicken lunch
Who knows what she wished for, have you a hunch?
Ethel got the wishbone at the chicken lunch
Who knows what she wished for, have you a hunch?
I saw buy some tickets so perhaps a lottery prize
Ethel got the wishbone at the chicken lunch
Who knows what she wished for, have you a hunch?
She wished for new teeth 🙏
Ethel got the wishbone at the chicken lunch
Who knows what she wished for, have you a hunch?
She wished for new teeth
That were stolen by a thief
Ethel got the wishbone at the chicken lunch
Who knows what she wished for, have you a hunch?
She wished for new teeth
That were stolen by a thief
And dinner and lunch, she can't munch. 😕
***********
Pete was doing the washing up
Pete was doing the washing up
All went well til he dropped a cup
Pete was doing the washing up
All went well til he dropped a cup
It shattered in tiny pieces
Pete was doing the washing up
All went well til he dropped a cup
It shattered in tiny pieces
He panicked.. should the missus see this
Pete was doing the washing up
All went well til he dropped a cup
It shattered in tiny pieces
He panicked.. should the missus see this
So he told her 'it was the naughty pup' 😏
**********
Now that Christmas is done this year
Now that Christmas is done this year
The New Year is next with plenty of cheer
Now that Christmas is done this year
The New Year is next with plenty of cheer
What of old England? will next year be better?
Now that Christmas is done this year
The New Year is next with plenty of cheer
What of old England? will next year be better?
Like as not it'll just be wetter
Now that Christmas is done this year
The New Year is next with plenty of cheer
What of old England? will next year be better?
Like as not it'll just be wetter
Of that dear Klondy I have no fear !
Hamish bought a new electric van
Hamish bought a new electric van
Then plugged it in to his neighbour Stan
Hamish bought a new electric van
Then plugged it in to his neighbour Stan
It came to naught that cunning ruse
All it did was blow the fuse
Hamish bought a new electric van
Then plugged it in to his neighbour Stan
It came to naught that cunning ruse
All it did was blow the fuse
So he cursed and away he ran! 🏃�♂️
Looks like Ruthio did a vanishing trick
Looks like Ruthio did a vanishing trick
Or just didn't fancy starting a new limerick?
Looks like Ruthio did a vanishing trick
Or just didn't fancy starting a new limerick?
If you've games on ignore tis easy to miss
Looks like Ruthio did a vanishing trick
Or just didn't fancy starting a new limerick?
If you've games on ignore tis easy to miss
I guess it's down to me to answer this
Looks like Ruthio did a vanishing trick
Or just didn't fancy starting a new limerick?
If you've games on ignore tis easy to miss
I guess it's down to me to answer this
And I'll put in the last line, double quick. 😉
**********
The weather is windy, raining and wet
The weather is windy, raining and wet
Come summer we can complain about sweat
The weather is windy, raining and wet
Come summer we can complain about sweat
Trains not running .. No planes taking flight
The weather is windy, raining and wet
Come summer we can complain about sweat
Trains not running .. No planes taking flight
But this is a very special night
Drunks singing Auld Lang Syne I bet!
**********
A wish to you all, a Happy New Year
A wish to you all, a Happy New Year
It's eleven o'clock, 'twill soon be here
A wish to you all, a Happy New Year
It's eleven o'clock, 'twill soon be here
At midnight whilst the people sang
The bells chimed out, they loudly rang
And welcomed 2024 my dears
*****************
At the party in town, Dave was on the booze
At the party in town, Dave was on the booze
He was wearing a frock !!. Heaven knows who's
At the party in town, Dave was on the booze
He was wearing a frock !!. Heaven knows who's
Slack Alice shouted OI THAT'S MINE
Get it off you pervy swine
At the party in town, Dave was on the booze
He was wearing a frock !!. Heaven knows whose
Slack Alice shouted OI THAT'S MINE
Get it off you pervy swine
Dave flounced and shouted' I refuse' :rolleyes:
The Mother Ship is still going strong
The Mother Ship is still going strong
Which goes to show that I was wrong
The Mother Ship is still going strong
Which goes to show that I was wrong
They still yearn for the site they left
They still think it was the best
The Mother Ship is still going strong
Which goes to show that I was wrong
They still yearn for the site they left
They still think it was the best
And where they feel they really belong.
****************
Christmas is over, the trimmings are gone
Christmas is over, the trimmings are gone
Soon be time for Mike to get mowing his lawn
Christmas is over, the trimmings are gone
Soon be time for Mike to get mowing his lawn
Klondike will be sailing in his fishing boat
Christmas is over, the trimmings are gone
Soon be time for Mike to get mowing his lawn
Klondike will be sailing in his fishing boat
Without the need of his electric coat
Christmas is over, the trimmings are gone
Soon be time for Mike to get mowing his lawn
Klondike will be sailing in his fishing boat
Without the need of his electric coat
And Scrumpy will be popping to the Co-op at dawn.
****************
Betty liked to shop for bargains every day
Betty liked to shop for bargains every day
TK Maxx was her favourite it's safe to say
Betty liked to shop for bargains every day
TKMaxx was her favourite it's safe to say
M&S she thought was crap
Betty liked to shop for bargains every day
TKMaxx was her favourite it's safe to say
M&S she thought was crap
She thought the same of Habitat
Betty liked to shop for bargains every day
TKMaxx was her favourite it's safe to say
M&S she thought was crap
She thought the same of Habitat
But she adored the thrill of eBay
Sally was a beauty Queen in 1964
Sally was a beauty Queen in 1964
Her like will now be seen no more
Sally was a beauty Queen in 1964
Her like will now be seen no more
Her femininity was in no doubt
Sally was a beauty Queen in 1964
Her like will now be seen no more
Her femininity was in no doubt
Stunning assets and a mischievous pout
Sally was a beauty Queen in 1964
Her like will now be seen no more
Her femininity was in no doubt
Stunning assets and mischievous pout
2023 a 6footer with beard that's for sure
Quote from: Scrumpy on January 02, 2024, 06:53:53 PMSally was a beauty Queen in 1964
Her like will now be seen no more
Her femininity was in no doubt
Stunning assets and mischievous pout
2023 a 6footer with beard that's for sure
Brenda was a barmaid at the Dog & Bone
Brenda was a barmaid at the Dog & Bone
She was friendly with the punters, never moaned and groaned
Brenda was a barmaid at the Dog & Bone
She was friendly with the punters, never moaned and groaned
Freddie was her favourite, he drove a two ton truck
Brenda was a barmaid at the Dog & Bone
She was friendly with the punters, never moaned and groaned
Freddie was her favourite, he drove a two ton truck
He'd take her for a ride in it trusting to his luck
Brenda was a barmaid at the Dog&Bone
She was friendly with the punters,never moaned and groaned
Freddie was her favourite,he drove a two ton truck
He'd take her for a ride in it trusting to his luck
But luck didn't often work, and he'd drive home alone
Maggie hit the jackpot when she married Sid
Maggie hit the jackpot when she married Sid
Their honeymoon was 7 days spent in Madrid
Maggie hit the jack pot when she married Sid
Their honeymoon was 7 days spent in Madrid
But Pablo caught her eye as he served the sangria
Maggie hit the jack pot when she married Sid
Their honeymoon was 7 days spent in Madrid
But Pablo caught her eye as he served the sangria
He wasn't very subtle as he focused on her rear
Maggie hit the jack pot when she married Sid
Their honeymoon was 7 days spent in Madrid
But Pablo caught her eye as he served the sangria
He wasn't very subtle as he focused on her rear
Sid got very angry, so Pablo ran and hid.
There was a young man called Luke
There was a young man called Luke
Whose father was a penniless Duke
There was a young man called Luke
Whose father was a penniless Duke
But they had a big house with servants galore
There was a young man called Luke
Whose father was a penniless Duke
But they had a big house with servants galore
So when daddy passed out on the floor
There was a young man called Luke
Whose father was a penniless Duke
But they had a big house with servants galore
So when daddy passed out on the floor
Luke threw his darts in the door, what a fluke !
Now Nigel's back on the political scene
Now Nigel's back on the political scene
His opponents will all begin to scream
Now Nigel is back on the political scene
His opponents will all begin to scream
Boris might even become his mate
Nothing's impossible, it's not too late
Now Nigel is back on the political scene
His opponents will all begin to scream
Boris might even become his mate
Nothing's impossible, it's not too late
Is Reform a reality, or just a hopeful dream?
**********
I've been to the panto in town today
The dame was sooo butch, and the leading man's gay
I've been to the panto in town today
The dame was sooo butch, and the leading man's gay
Snow White she wasn't and the dwarfs were tall
I've been to the panto in town today
The dame was sooo butch, and the leading man's gay
Snow White she wasn't and the dwarfs were tall
The Beast wasn't scary, and his horns were too small
I've been to the panto in town today
The dame was sooo butch, and the leading man's gay
Snow White she wasn't and the dwarfs were tall
The Beast wasn't scary, and his horns were too small
All pretty dire but I still had to pay
Mike has started constructing an ark
Mike has started constructing an ark
It started out as a bit of a lark
Mike has started constructing an ark
It started out as a bit of a lark
Til his wellies got stuck in the mud
Mike has started constructing an ark
It started out as a bit of a lark
Til his wellies got stuck in the mud
And pulling on then did no good
Mike has started constructing an ark
It started out as a bit of a lark
Til his wellies got stuck in the mud
And pulling on them did no good
They're now floating along in the dark
************
Its New Year, and new people have joined the gym
Its New Year, and new people have joined the gym
Most of them are hoping to slim
It's New Year, and new people have joined the gym
Most of them are hoping to slim
But it won't last very long!
It's New Year, and new people have joined the gym
Most of them are hoping to slim
But it won't last very long
The need for chocolate is much too strong
It's New Year, and new people have joined the gym
Most of them are hoping to slim
But it won't last very long
The need for chocolate is much too strong
As is the need for the odd bottle of gin !
Doris went to bingo every Friday night
Doris went to bingo every Friday night
Her old man went to the boozer and staggered home quite tight
Doris went to bingo every Friday night
Her old man went to the boozer and staggered home quite tight
On Saturday he stayed in bed
Doris went to bingo every Friday night
Her old man went to the boozer and staggered home quite tight
On Saturday he stayed in bed
Usually with a thumping head
Doris went to bingo every Friday night
Her old man went to the boozer and staggered home quite tight
On Saturday he stayed in bed
Usually with a thumping head
And Doris hid her winnings somewhere out of sight
Walking back from bingo Doris met a man
Walking back from bingo Doris met a man
He offered her a lift in his tatty Transit van
Walking back from bingo Doris met a man
He offered her a lift in his tatty Transit van
Doris was excited for the man had many tools
Walking back from bingo Doris met a man
He offered her a lift in his tatty Transit van
Doris was excited for the man had many tools
Some hammers, a saw, and a large extending rule...
Walking back from bingo Doris met a man
He offered her a lift in his tatty Transit van
Doris was excited for the man had many tools
Some hammers, a saw, and a large extended rule..
but when she saw his screw driver Doris was a fan
The bride was late.. nowhere to be seen
The bride was late.. nowhere to be se
And instead of white, she was dressed in green
The bride was late.. nowhere to be se
And instead of white, she was dressed in green
Which is supposed to bring bad luck it's said
The bride was late.. nowhere to be seen
And instead of white, she was dressed in green
Which is supposed to bring bad luck it's said
Could have been worse and she'd dressed in red
The bride was late.. nowhere to be seen
And instead of white, she was dressed in green
Which is supposed to bring bad luck it's said
Could have been worse and she'd dressed in red
To match her outside light you mean?
It pays to advertise they say
It pays to advertise they say
If you want to get the punters to pay
It pays to advertise they say
If you want to get the punters to pay
Spread the word far and wide
It pays to advertise they say
If you want to get the punters to pay
Spread the word far and wide
It matters not if you've lied
It pays to advertise they say
If you want to make the punters pay
Spread the word far and wide
It matters not if you've lied
Make them think they can't delay
Vote for us you're in safe hands
Vote for us you're in safe hands
Vote for them, votes down the pans
Vote for us you're in safe hands
Vote for them, votes down the pans
They've not got OUR five point list
Vote for us you're in safe hands
Vote for them, votes down the pans
They've not got OUR five point list
Public concerns, completely missed
Vote for us you're in safe hands
Vote for them, votes down the pans
They've not got our five point list
Public concerns, completely missed
Pot holes.. Parking and Travellers.. We are not fans
Billy drove a yellow school bus
Billy drove a yellow school bus
A problem with his ill fitting truss
Billy drove a yellow school bus
A problem with his ill fitting truss
It was scratchy and too tight
Billy drove a yellow school bus
A problem with his ill fitting truss
It was scratchy and too tight
Going over bumps was quite a fright
Billy drove a yellow school bus
A problem with his ill fitting truss
It was scratchy and too tight
Going over bumps was quite a fright
And at the kids he'd yell and cuss 🤬
**********
His brother Bob was a lollipop man
His brother Bob was a lollipop man
He took over the job from his old gran
His brother Bob was a lollipop man
He took over the job from his old gran
He polished his STOP sign every day
His brother Bob was a lollipop man
He took over the job from his old gran
He polished his STOP sign every day
He started early, for not much pay
His brother Bob was a lollipop man
He took over the job from his old gran
He polished his STOP sign every day
He started early, for not much pay
Then got run down by a grubby white van
The kids all cried when they lost Bob
The kids all cried when they lost Bob
He was always kind I heard one sob
The kids all cried when they lost Bob
He was always kind I heard one sob
They plotted to sort the white van out
The kids all cried when they lost Bob
He was always kind I heard one sob
They plotted to sort the white van out
So headed for the gypsy camp to have a scout about.
The kids all cried when they lost Bob
He was always kind I heard one sob
They plotted to sort the white van out
So headed for the gypsy camp to have a scout about
Saw 20 bikes and 40 gnomes so to the police they did dob
Scrumpy's disappeared, I wonder where she's gine
Scrumpy's disappeared, I wonder where she's gine
I went to check my Lottery to see if it's a win
Scrumpy's disappeared, I wonder where she's gone
I went to check my Lottery to see if it's a win
I hope if you were lucky, you'll buy us all a treat
GrannyMac.. I rhymed win with gine.. because I believe it to be said this way in Scotland.. Was I wrong.. ? :grin: :grin:
Scrumpy's disappeared, I wonder where she's goin'
I went to check my Lottery to see if it's a win
I hope if you were lucky, you'll buy us all a treat
Sorry just a tenner and I bought a joint of meat
Scrumpy's disappeared, I wonder where she's goin'
I went to check my Lottery to see if it's a win
I hope if you were lucky, you'll buy us all a treat
Sorry just a tenner and I bought a joint of meat
Better luck next time, pick your numbers with a pin!
(Sorry Scrumpy, typo, and I didn't spot it)
**************
I ought to be more careful with my spelling when I write
I ought to be more careful with my spelling when I write
Because ,someone on here, is not so very bright
I ought to be more careful with my spelling when I write
Because, someone on here, is not so very bright
It isn't me, it's all the others.Them what think they're smart
I ought to be more careful with my spelling when I write
Because, someone on here, is not so very bright
It isn't me, it's all the others.Them what think they're smart
It's not me either, I couldn't give a fart !
I ought to be more careful with my spelling when I write
Because , someone on here, is not so very bright
It isn't me, it's all the others.Them what think they're smart
It's not me either, I couldn't give a fart!
Alex is on a warning, for rude words.. Right.!!
Lets keep the limericks going please?
Lets keep the limericks going please
Starting a new one should be a breeze
Any old starter will surely do
Lets keep the limericks going please
Starting a new one should be a breeze
Any old starter will surely do
I leave it empty for the rest of you
But today I am not going to leave
Eric had a nasty lisp and a stutter too
Eric had a nasty lisp and a stutter too
Those bothering to listen were very few
Eric had a nasty lisp and a stutter too
Those bothering to listen were very few
It took a while for Eric to order a pint
Eric had a nasty lisp and a stutter too
Those bothering to listen were very few
It took a while for Eric to order a pint
And as for a Spritzer it took most of the night
Eric had a nasty lisp and a stutter too
Those bothering to listen were very few
It took a while for Eric to order a pint
And as for a Spritzer it took most of the night
Everyone behind him had to form a queue
I often miss the Limericks as I don't see the'games'
I've got them on ignore so only ME to blame.
I often miss the Limericks as I don't see the'games'
I've got them on ignore so only ME to blame.
Each time you're on the forum you should have a sneaky peek
At Klondike's witty lines and Scrumpy's bloomin' cheek ☺️
I often miss the Limericks as I don't see the'games'
I've got them on ignore so only ME to blame.
Each time you're on the forum you should have a sneaky peek
At Klondike's witty lines and Scrumpy's bloomin' cheek ☺️
If only I could remember, it's such a shame :rolleyes:
My friend Pete still plays in a band
My friend Pete still plays in a band
At the old folks home where Ethel's a fan
My friend Pete still plays in a band
At the old folks home where Ethel's a fan
The oldies all complained the music was too loud
My friend Pete still plays in a band
At the old folks home where Ethel's a fan
The oldies all complained the music was too loud
But Ethel was up boogying, at 80 she was proud
My friend Pete still plays in a band
At the old folks home where Ethel's a fan
The oldies all complained the music was too loud
But Ethel was up boogying, at 80 she was proud
She sat on the drummers knee just to give him a hand
Tamara went to night school wanting to learn French
Tamara went to night school wanting to learn French
To impress her dad on his judge's bench
Tamara went to night school wanting to learn French
To impress her on his judge's bench
She learned to say 'Ooh La la' 'Bonjour' and 'We we we'
I missed the word dad on line 2 - corrected
Tamara went to night school wanting to learn French
To impress her Dad on his judge's bench
She learned to say 'Ooh La la' 'Bonjour' and 'We we we'
And chatted up the tutor who gladly said 'mais oui '
Tamara went to night school wanting to learn French
To impress her Dad on his judge's bench
She learned to say 'Ooh La la' 'Bonjour' and 'We we we'
And chatted up the tutor who gladly said 'mais oui'
Then went to live in Paris together they were meant
Jimmy sang like Elvis on Friday's at the pub
Dave was a massive football fan
Dave was massive football fan
And Beckham was 'The man'
Dave was massive football fan
And Beckham was 'The man'
Every week Dave watched a game
Dave was massive football fan
And Beckham was 'The man'
Every week Dave watched a game
Lost again. That ref's to blame
Dave was massive football fan
And Beckham was 'The man'
Every week Dave watched a game
Lost again. That ref's to blame
That centre forward deserved a ban
There was an old man from Ruabon
There was an old man from Ruabon
Who never went out with his coat on
There was an old man from Ruabon
Who never went out with his coat on
In rain and in snow
There was an old man from Ruabon
Who never went out with his coat on
In rain and in snow
Wlist the wind did blow
There was an old man from Ruabon
Who never went out with his coat on
In rain and in snow
Whilst the wind did blow
He'd stroll around in his fluffy long John
Molly made a wish on a shooting star
Molly made a wish on a shooting star
She wasn't greedy, not for a house or a car
Molly made a wish on a shooting star
She wasn't greedy, not for a house or a car
But just for a friendly pussy cat
Molly made a wish on a shooting star
She wasn't greedy, not for a house or a car
But just for a friendly pussy cat
A lovely tabby fluffy and fat
Molly made a wish on a shooting star
She wasn't greedy, not for a house or a car
But just for a friendly pussy cat
A lovely tabby fluffy and fat
Who would sit on her knee, and not roam too far.
Molly's wish came true quite soon
Molly's wish came true quite soon
Then she felt quite over the moon
Molly's wish came true quite soon
Then she felt quite over the moon
The cats' home rang, they had a stray
Molly's wish came true quite soon
Then she felt quite over the moon
The cats' home rang, they had a stray
A scraggy old tom, being delivered today
Molly's wish came true quite soon
Then she felt quite over the moon
The cats' home rang, they had a stray
A scraggy old tom, being delivered today
But the old tom was actually a lovely Maine Coon
Nelly's old telly was on the blink
Nelly's old telly was on the blink
She couldn't watch Get Naked nor The Weakest Link
Nelly's old telly was on the blink
She couldn't watch Get Naked nor The Weakest Link
So she bought a 'refurbished' from a bloke in the pub
Nelly's old telly was on the blink
She couldn't watch Get Naked nor The Weakest Link
So she bought a 'refurbished' from a bloke in the pub
Sadly it's standard could only be called sub
In the adverts all the faces seemed to be pink
Nelly tried to find that chancer again
Nelly tried to find that chancer again
She knew he limped and drove a white van
Nelly tried to find that chancer again
She knew he limped and drove a white van
He did roofing and concrete on the side
You might describe the boy as wide!
Nelly tried to find that chancer again
She knew he limped and drove a white van
He did roofing and concrete on the side
You might describe the boy as wide
But her search turned out to be in vain
A Texan rode into town
A Texan rode into town
On his face a sullen frown
A Texan rode into town
On his face a sullen frown
He parked his horse outside Wetherspoons
A Texan rode into town
On his face a sullen frown
He parked his horse outside Wetherspoons
Where poor Brian meets countless loons
A Texan rode into town
On his face a sullen frown
He parked his horse outside Wetherspoons
Where poor Brian meets countless loons
But the talk about pensions just got him down.
*************
He headed for a classier bar
He headed for a classier bar
Tethering his horse next to the barman's car
He headed for a classier bar
Tethering his horse next to the barman's car
Was told by a man you're not from here'
When all he wanted was to drink some beer
He headed for a classier bar
Tethering his horse next to the barman's car
Was told by a man ' you're not from here'
When all he wanted to drink some beer
'Brummie I am.. travelled far I'm here to bury my good old pa'
Lilley had a tattoo on her large backside
Lilley had a tattoo on her large backside
Plenty of room at three feet wide
Looked like that famous mountain pass
Lilley had a tattoo on her large backside
Plenty of room at three feet wide
Looked like that famous mountain pass
You could say our Lily was 'a bit of a lass'
Lilley had a tattoo on her large backside
Plenty of room at three feet wide
Looked like that famous mountain pass
You could say our Lily was 'a bit of a lass'
That lass's ass was famous, and she carried it with pride!
*****************
Maisie weighed in at slimming club at eighteen stone
Maisie weighed in at slimming club at eighteen stones
I'm not fat my dear she said I only have big bones
Maisie weighed in at the slimming club at eighteen stones
I'm not fat my dear she said I only have big bones
I'm only a size 14.. Or is that 41!!
But the truth is .. she had a big big bum
Maisie weighed in at the slimming club at eighteen stones
I'm not fat my dear she said I only have big bones
I'm only a size 14.. Or is that 41!!
But the truth is .. she had a big big bum
The young 'uns take pics of theirs on their phones :rolleyes:
Tatoos. Big bums. Where are we heading?
Tattoos. Big bums. Where are we heading?
More body piercings and far fewer weddings
Tattoos. Big bums. Where are we heading?
More body piercings and far fewer weddings
When we were young we hated a big bum
And often a girdle was rule of thumb !
Tattoos. Big bums. Where are we heading?
More body piercings and far fewer weddings
When we were young we hated a big bum
And often a girdle was rule of thumb !
It's what come next that I am dreading
I just won't pay that licence fee
Bloody Lineker gets nowt from me
I just won't pay that licence fee
Bloody Lineker gets nowt from me
He should stick to the footie score
He really is such a bore
I just won't pay that licence fee
Bloody Lineker gets nowt from me
He should stick to the footie score
He really is such a bore
if only the BBC would agree!
*************
Davie didn't want a wife
Davie didn't want a wife
He thought she would bring him trouble and strife
Davie didn't want a wife
He thought she would bring him trouble and strife
On the other hand it must be said
Davie didn't want a wife
He thought she would bring him trouble and strife
On the other hand it must be said
Davie might be better fed 😌
Davie didn't want a wife
He thought she would bring him trouble and strife
On the other hand it must be said
Davie might be better fed
All in all a better life !
An onion seller from France
An onion seller from France
Led several ladies a merry dance
An onion seller from France
Led several ladies a merry dance
Looking dashing in his red beret
An onion seller from France
Led several ladies a merry dance
Looking dashing in his red beret
Eyes suggesting a roll in the hay
An onion seller from France
Led several ladies a merry dance
Looking dashing in his red beret
Eyes suggesting a roll in the hay
And a few French kisses perchance?
Charlie was a right old soak
Charlie was a right old soak
His 'mates' in the pub thought he was a joke
Charlie was a right old soak
His 'mates' in the pub thought he was a joke
Come closing time he could rarely walk
Charlie was a right old soak
His 'mates' in the pub thought he was a joke
Come closing time he could rarely walk
At weekends he could barely talk !
Charlie was a right old soak
His 'mates' in the pub thought he was a joke
Come closing time he could rarely walk
At weekends he could barely talk !
His benefits had gone up in smoke!
***********
Another boatload came today
Another boatload came today
Have a guess who'll have to pay.
Another boatload came today
Have a guess who'll have to pay.
And where the money should be spent,
Some British homeless, they're in tents
Another boatload came today
Have a guess who'll have to pay
And where the money should be spent
Some British homeless, they're in tents
Bring in Dad's Army. That's what I say
Jonesy polished up his gun
Jonesy polished up his gun
He'd sort 'em out just like the hun.
Jonesy polished up his gun
He'd sort 'em out just like the hun.
He headed down to Dover beach
Jonesy polished up his gun
He'd sort 'em out just like the hun.
He headed down to Dover beach
Laying mines - dozens for each
Jonesy polished up his gun
He'd sort 'em out just like the hun.
He headed down to Dover beach
Laying mines - dozens for each
Only toy ones, just for fun !
The snow was deep in London town
The snow was deep in London town
No trains or buses, just underground
The snow was deep in London town
No trains or buses, just underground
Brian decided with his pension dough
Birmingham was the place to go
To listen to some people, and spread their words around.
**************
Len was a gambler, on the horses and the slots
Len was a gambler, on the horses and the slots
In his Brixton pub Len called the shots
Len was a gambler on the horses and the slots
In his Brixton pub Len called the shots
He would bet on the next customer being white
Len was a gambler on the horses and the slots
In his Brixton pub Len called the shots
He would bet on the next customer being white
50/1 in Brixton for getting that right
Len was a gambler on the horses and the slots
In his Brixton pub Len called the shots
He would bet on the next customer being white
50/1 in Brixton for getting that right
When he lost all his money they made him wash the pots.
***********
Bert and Lil joined a line dancing club
Bert and Lil joined a line dancing club
It met in the function room of the local pub
Quote from: klondike on January 21, 2024, 12:51:16 PMBert and Lil joined a line dancing club
It met in the function room of the local pub
A shame they shared four left feet
Bert and Lil joined a line dancing club
It met in the function room of the local pub
A shame they shared four left feet
That they kept on trying was rather sweet
Bert and Lil joined a line dancing club
It met in the function room of the local pub
A shame they shared four left feet
That they kept on trying was rather sweet
Truth be told they only went for the booze and grub
January 21, 2024, 04:19:47 PM
The village chippy has been taken over
The village chippy has been taken over
The new owner arrived on the beach at Dover
The village chippy has been taken over
The new owner arrived on the beach at Dover
Out at sea he'd caught many fish
The village chippy has been taken over
The new owner arrived on the beach at Dover
Out at sea he'd caught many fish
But he didn't know how to cook our national dish
The village chippy has been taken over
The new owner arrived on the beach at Dover
Out at sea he'd caught many fish
But he didn't know how to cook our national dish
So all his family came over help..including a dog called Rover
Freda slipped upon the ice, her legs high in the air
She was wearing bright red bloomers but didn't give a care
Freda slipped upon the ice, her legs high in the air
She was wearing bright red bloomers but didn't give a care
The neighbours were all having a laugh
As Freda skidded down the path
Freda slipped upon the ice, her legs high in the air
She was wearing bright red bloomers but didn't give a care
The neighbours were all having a laugh
As Freda skidded down the path
She ignored them all with her usual flair.
There was a young man from Port Talbot
There was a young man from Port Talbot
Who never could keep his mouth shut I struggled !!
There was a young man from Port Talbot
Who never could keep his mouth shut I struggled !!
Some things that he said
There was a young man from Port Talbot
Who never could keep his mouth shut
Some things that he said
Made others blush red
There was a young man from Port Talbot
Who never could keep his mouth shut
Some things that he said
Made others blush red
When talking about his Prince Albert
Amazon are getting it back
Amazon are getting it back
Heaven knows what it is, but I never ordered THAT !
Amazon are getting it back
Heaven knows what it is, but I never ordered THAT !
The box is huge, the item small
Amazon are getting it back
Heaven knows what it is, but I never ordered THAT !
The box is huge, the item small
Box takes up the whole of the hall !
Amazon are getting it back
Heaven knows what it is, but I never ordered THAT!
The box is huge, the item small
Box takes up the whole of the hall !
I think it contains a bloke called Jack
Let's write a limerick, one line at a time
You can say what you please, anything's fine
Let's write a limerick, one line at a time
You can say what you please, anything's fine
I sometimes flip back to limericks of old
Both work fine or so I'm told
Let's write a limerick, one line at a time
You can say what you please, anything's fine
I sometimes flip back to limericks of old
Both work fine or so I'm told
But please use a rhyming word at the end of each line?
****************
I'm sick of this weather, the wind and rain
I'm sick of this weather, the wind and rain
I'm dreaming of beaches in Italy or Spain
I'm sick of this weather, the wind and rain
I'm dreaming of beaches in Italy or Spain
It has to be Australia for me
Not that place called Land of the Free
I'm sick of this weather, the wind and rain
I'm dreaming of beaches in Italy or Spain
It has to be Australia for me
Not that place called Land of the Free
Now all I need is the fare for a plane
Been standing an age in this check in queue
All those delays whatever can I do
Been standing an age in this check in queue
All those delays whatever can I do
The next labe is moving quicker
Been standing an age in this check in queue
All those delays whatever can I do
The next lane is moving quicker
Shall I !! I did .. what a dick ..err !!
Been standing an age in this check in queue
All those delays whatever can I do
The next lane is moving quicker
Shall I !! I did .. what a dick ..err !!
Excess luggage? I nearly turned the air blue
Now my passport's out of date
Now my passport's out of date
No surprise, time I've had to wait
Quote from: Alex on January 24, 2024, 11:13:18 PMNow my passport's out of date
No surprise, time I've had to wait
So I won't be jetting off to Spain
Now my passport is out of date
No surprise, time I've had to wait
So I won't be jetting off to Spain
A caravan in Morecambe, in the rain.
Fred was on a bus, going the wrong way
Fred was on a bus, going the wrong way
He thought it was heading to Morecambe Bay
Now my passport is out of date
No surprise, time I've had to wait
So I won't be jetting off to Spain
A caravan in Morecambe, in the rain.
Alas for me ~ such a fate!
Fred was on a bus, going the wrong way
He thought it was heading to Morecambe Bay
Imagine his concern
Fred was on a bus , going the wrong way
He thought it was heading to Morecambe Bay
Imagine his concern
When the driver took a wrong turn
Fred was on a bus , going the wrong way
He thought it was heading to Morecambe Bay
Imagine his concern
When the driver took a wrong turn
Through a toll and had to pay
Knotted hanky, rolled up trews
Knotted hanky , rolled up trews
Fred went on a river cruise
Knotted hanky , rolled up trews
Fred went on a river cruise
He thought it was going up the Rhine
Knotted hanky, rolled up trews
Fred went on a river cruise
He thought it was going up the Rhine
But it was off to Newcastle on the Tyne
Knotted hanky, rolled up trews
Fred went on a river cruise
He thought it was going up the Rhine
But it was off to Newcastle on the Tyne
No wonder Fred was singing the blues 🎼
************
Eva hoped for a holiday romance
Eva hoped for a holiday romance
As she boarded the train bound for France
Eva hoped for a holiday romance
As she boarded the train bound for France
Romantic Frenchmen what could go wrong?
Eva hoped for a holiday romance
As she boarded the train bound for France
Romantic Frenchmen what could go wrong?
Garlic breath could cause a pong !
Eva hoped for a holiday romance
As she boarded the train bound for France
Romantic Frenchmen what could go wrong?
Garlic breath could cause a pong !
At Eva's age she took the chance
Eva struck lucky and is over the moon
Eva struck lucky and is over the moon
She met a tall, handsome oil tycoon.
Eva struck lucky and is over the moon
She met a tall, handsome oil tycoon
He owned a garage on the A1
Eva struck lucky and is over the moon
She met a tall, handsome oil tycoon
He owned a garage on the A1
So Eva's enjoying a bit of fun
Eva struck lucky and is over the moon
She met a tall, handsome oil tycoon
He owned a garage on the A1
So Eva's enjoying a bit of fun
Even though he can be an outright loon
Eva's beau is kicking off
Threatening to deck another toff
I just noticed when doing a copy paste with this tablet there is an option to read the highlighted text aloud. It makes a reasonable job of it too.
Eva's beau is kicking off
Threatening to deck another toff
She really should give him the push 👋
Eva's beau is kicking off
Threatening to deck another toff
She really should give him the push 👋
She may one day but is in no rush
Eva's beau is kicking off
Threatening to deck another toff
She really should give him the push 👋
She may one day but is in no rush
She likes his money, but is annoyed by his cough.
************
People are in pain and fear
They can't see a dentist til next year
People are in pain and fear
They can't see a dentist til next year
Josh decided to pull his own
People are in pain and fear
They can't see a dentist til next year
Josh decided to pull his own
With pliers he tugged, and moaned and groaned
People are in pain and fear
They can't see a dentist til next year
Josh decided to pull his own
With pliers he tugged, and moaned and groaned
Then had to stop as he felt so queer
Oil of cloves is said to work
Oil of cloves is said to work
It's in a bottle with a cork
Oil of cloves is said to work
It's in a bottle with a cork
It doesn't 'Pop' like champagne
Oil of cloves is said to work
It's in a bottle with a cork
It doesn't 'Pop' like champagne
Tastes real bad but might ease the pain
Oil of cloves is said to work
It's in a bottle with a cork
It doesn't 'Pop' like champagne
Tastes real bad but might ease the pain
Or dig that tooth out with a fork? 🥵
************
It's Sunday morning, bright and clear
It's Sunday morning, bright and clear
Quordle Rescue! I need a beer
It's Sunday morning, bright and clear
Quordle Rescue! I need a beer
Bacon and egg it is for me
It's Sunday morning, bright and clear
Quordle rescue! I need a beer
Bacon and egg it is for me
With fried bread and a cuppa tea
It's Sunday morning, bright and clear
Quordle rescue! I need a beer
Bacon and egg it is for me
With fried bread and a cuppa tea
I met my friend for coffee, she's a dear!
***********
Some days these word games leave me sighing
Some days these word games leave me sighing
Others are worse and I end up crying :cry:
Some days these word games leave me sighing
Others are worse and I end up crying
My patience for this is sadly lacking
Some days these word games leave me sighing
Others are worse and I end up crying
My patience for this is sadly lacking
I've never felt the urge to get cracking
Some days these word games leave me sighing
Others are worse and I end up crying
My patience for this is sadly lacking
I've never felt the urge to get cracking
More exciting to watch paint drying !
A chap who lives in Bridgend
A chap who lives in Bridgend
Was tight and never wanted to spend
A chap who lives in Bridgend
Was tight and never wanted to spend
His wallet went missing
A chap who lives in Bridgend
Was tight and never wanted to spend
His wallet went missing
Along with the lass he'd been kissing
A chap who lives in Bridgend
Was tight and never wanted to spend
His wallet went missing
Along with the lass he'd been kissing
Was she worth it? Not really, but his heart's on the mend.
*****************
A Lancashire fellow called Pete
A Lancashire fellow called Pete
Was playing away - a real cheat
A Lancashire fellow called Pete
Was playing away- a real cheat
He dated Molly, Betty and even a Sue
A Lancashire fellow called Pete
Was playing away- a real cheat
He dated Molly, Betty and even a Sue
The women were even forming a queue
A Lancashire fellow called Pete
Was playing away- a real cheat
He dated Molly, Betty and even a Sue
The women were even forming a queue
What could he have that left other blokes beat? :hmm:
A popular young lass name of Suzy
A popular young lass name of Suzy
Had a romp one day in a jacuzzi
A popular young lass name of Suzy
Had a romp one day in a jacuzzi
The bubbles went 'pop'
A popular young lass name of Suzy
Had a romp one day in a jacuzzi
The bubbles went 'pop'
They'd soon need a mop
A popular young lass name of Suzy
Had a romp one day in a jacuzzi
The bubbles went 'pop'
They'd soon need a mop
Now Suzy is known as a floozy
Roger was a pilot who flew a Jumbo Jet
Roger was a pilot who flew a Jumbo Jet
He flew it under Tower Bridge just to win a bet
Roger was a pilot who flew a Jumbo Jet
He flew it under Tower Bridge just to win a bet
He's on ground crew now, his wings are clipped
Roger was a pilot who flew a Jumbo Jet
He flew it under Tower Bridge just to win a bet
He's on ground crew now, his wings are clipped
His gold braid has been well and truly stripped
Roger was a pilot who flew a Jumbo Jet
He flew it under Tower Bridge just to win a bet
He's on ground crew now, his wings are clipped
His gold braid has been well and truly stripped
Poor Roger's wife has gone leaving him with giant debt
Bernard was a welder working on the Tyne
Bernard was a welder working on the Tyne
He didn't mind the weather, he worked come rain or shine
Bernard was a welder working on the Tyne
He didn't mind the weather, he worked come rain or shine
Sparks would fly when he was cross
Bernard was a welder working on the Tyne
He didn't mind the weather, he worked come rain or shine
Sparks would fly when he was cross
One set light to his watching boss
Bernard was a welder working on the Tyne
He didn't mind the weather, he worked come rain or shine
Sparks would fly when he was cross
One set light to his watching boss
Now Bernard's in charge, it was about time.
***************
Young Daisy was desperate for a wedding ring
Young Daisy was desperate for a wedding ring
No luck at all despite many a fling
Young Daisy was desperate for a wedding ring
No luck at all despite many a fling
In desperation she placed an ad
Young Daisy was desperate for a wedding ring
No luck at all despite many a fling
In desperation she placed an ad
Which attracted a man - an outright cad
Young Daisy was desperate for a wedding ring
No luck at all despite many a fling
In desperation she placed an ad
Which attracted a man - an outright cad
A wrong 'un indeed, but to Daisy ' a king '
A new vicar arrived in Bradford
Hang on Klondy you've skipped Mike's and my lines !
Wrong page so I've deleted it.
A new vicar arrived in Bradford
The ladies say he resembles Robert Redford
I noticed, and was following you Alex, when you posted. Here goes:
A new vicar arrived in Bradford
With great ambitions to spread the word
A new vicar arrived in Bradford
With great ambitions to spread the word
His collection box just grew and grew
And he was last seen headed for Corfu
A new vicar arrived in Bradford
With great ambitions to spread the word
His collection box just grew and grew
And he was last seen headed for Corfu
More than his congregation could ever afford
************
In the pool you see some sights
A thong bikini, a swimsuit too tight
In the pool you see some sights
A thong bikini, a swimsuit too tight
A channel swimmer showing off
Something floating.. very soft
In the pool you see some sights
A thong bikini, a swimsuit too tight
A channel swimmer showing off
Something floating.. very soft
Is that a shark !!!! Will it bite !!
Molly was a clippie and she rode the trams
Mollie was a clippie and she rode the trams
And always helped mums to load their prams
Mollie was a clippie and she rode the trams
And always helped mums to load their prams
In between runs, she'd have a quick fag
Mollie was a clippie and she rode the trams
And always helped mums to load their prams
In between runs, she'd have a quick fag
Along with Ollie who was partial to a drag
Mollie was a clippie and she rode the trams
And always helped mums to load their prams
In between runs, she'd have a quick fag
Along with Ollie who was partial to a drag
And always deferred to Mollie as 'ma'am'.
************
The weekend market was Dave's favourite place
The weekend Market was Dave's favourite place
He sold knickers and bras covered in lace
The weekend Market was Dave's favourite place
He sold knickers and bras covered in lace
Plus racier items from the back of the stall
The weekend Market was Dave's favourite place
He sold knickers and bras covered in lace
Plus racier items from the back of the stall
He had a spiv lookout whose name was Paul
The weekend Market was Dave's favourite place
He sold knickers and bras covered in lace
Plus racier items from the back of the stall
He had a spiv lookout whose name was Paul
With a hard drugs habit and a tattooed face
*****************
Dave and Paul drank in the market pub
Dave and Paul drank in the market pub
The beer was good and so was the grub
Dave and Paul drank in the market pub
The beer was good and so was the grub
It was where they picked up the dodgy gear
Dave and Paul drank in the market pub
The beer was good and so was the grub
It was where they picked up the dodgy gear
Some cheap fags? Of course my dear.
Dave and Paul drank in the market pub
The beer was good and so was the grub
It was where they picked up the dodgy gear
Some cheap fags? Of course my dear
And something for Maggie who's in the club
Maggie loved Dave with all her heart
Maggie loved Dave with all her heart
She even forgave the occasional fart
Maggie loved Dave with all her heart
She even forgave the occasional fart
He was her man, her baby's dad
Maggie loved Dave with all her heart
She even forgave the occasional fart
He was her man , her baby's dad
He accepted the ginger hair on the lad
Maggie loved Dave with all her heart
She even forgave the occasional fart
He was her man , her baby's dad
He accepted the ginger hair on the lad
It has to be said he's none too smart
When Sally met Harry
When Sally met Harry
In a bar with Carol and Barry
When Sally met Harry
In a bar with Carol and Barry
They drank far too much beer
When Sally met Harry
In a bar with Carol and Barry
They drank far too much beer
But sold lots of 'gear'
When Sally met Harry
In a bar with Carol and Barry
They drank far too much beer
But sold lots of 'gear'
So both were as happy as Larry
It takes all sorts or so they say
It takes all sorts or so they say
Some are straight some are gay
It takes all sorts or so they say
Some are straight some are gay
Some are fat and others thin
It takes all sorts or so they say
Some are straight some are gay
Some are fat and others thin
Some go out some stay in
It takes all sorts or so they say
Some are straight some are gay
Some are fat and others thin
Some go out some stay in
Some are faithful, some like to stray
***********
Giles was a bit of a ladies' man
Giles was a bit of a ladies man
His motto was ' Get it where I can'
Giles was a bit of a ladies man
His motto was ' Get it where I can'
Just what he "got" he wasn't sure
But hoped the clinic had a cure
Giles was a bit of a ladies man
His motto was ' Get it where I can'
Just what he "got" he wasn't sure
But hoped the clinic had a cure
Or from the ladies he's forever banned.
************
The clinic did some tests, oh dear!
The clinic did some tests, oh dear!
Must have them again, as one wasn't clear
The clinic did some tests, oh dear!
Must have them again, as one wasn't clear
But black and swollen don't bode well
Not to mention the awful smell
The clinic did some tests, oh dear
Must have them again, as one wasn't clear
But black and swollen don't bode well
Not to mention the awful smell
WARNING.. keep away from Giles . Don't go near
Billy showed off in his big red car
Some of these really make me laugh!
Billy showed off in his big red car
It looked the biz, but he couldn't go far
Billy showed off in his big red car
It looked the biz, but he couldn't go far
Not that there was any need
Billy showed off his big red car
It looked the biz but he couldn't go far
Not that there was any need
His wife Maud held on to the keys
Billy showed off his big red car
It looked the biz but he couldn't go far
Not that there was any need
His wife Maud held on to the keys
And hid them in an old jam jar.
*
With a cold wind blowing all day
With a cold wind blowing all day
That's another big gas bill I'll have to pay
With a cold wind blowing all day
That's another big gas bill I'll have to pay
And snow's on it's way
With a cold wind blowing all day
That's another big gas bill I'll have to pay
And snow's on it's way
At least that's what all the papers say
With a cold wind blowing all day
That's another big gas bill I'll have to pay
And snow's on its way
At least that's what the papers say
I won't be sorry when it's May
Spam fritters was Fred's favourite food
Spam fritters was Fred's favourite food
He scoffed them quick and hardly chewed
Spam fritters was Fred's favourite food
He scoffed them quick and hardly chewed
He seldom chewed , he had no teeth
It was a bugger eating beef
Spam fritters was Fred's favourite food
He scoffed them quick and hardly chewed
He seldom chewed , he had no teeth
It was a bugger eating beef
If he couldn't have spam, he'd be in a mood.
****************
Edna was a hoarder, her house a hazard zone
Edna was a hoarder, her house a hazard zone
You were in danger even seated on the throne
Edna was a hoarder, her house a hazard zone
You were in danger even seated on the throne
Nowhere to get a wash the bath and sink were full
Edna was a hoarder, her house a hazard zone
You were in danger even seated on the throne
Nowhere to get a wash the bath and sink were full
Empty boxes, a rusty bike and even a Halloween skull
Edna was a hoarder, her house a hazard zone
You were in danger even seated on the throne
Nowhere to get a wash the bath and sink were full
Empty boxes, a rusty bike and even a Halloween skull
It all collapsed on Edna, now she's dead and gone. 😢
*************
Maggie loved her garden, she kept it pretty neat
Maggie loved her garden, she kept it pretty neat
Plenty of compost and none containing peat
Maggie loved her garden, she kept it pretty neat
Plenty of compost and none containing peat
A gnome sat in the corner doing 'who knows what'
Maggie loved her garden, she kept it pretty neat
Plenty of compost and none containing peat
A gnome sat in the corner doing 'who knows what'
If he thinks there's any fish in there he really is a clot
Maggie loved her garden, she kept it pretty neat
Plenty of compost and none containing peat
A gnome sat in the corner doing 'who knows what'
If he thinks there's any fish in there he really is a clot
He's weeing and fishing, that really is a feat
The gulls swooped down and nicked Joe's chips
The gulls swooped down and nicked Joe's chips
Saving him a few pounds on his hips
The gulls swooped down and nicked Joe's chips
Saving him a few pounds on his hips
Despite that help he still took the hump
The gulls swooped down and nicked Joe's chips
Saving him a few pounds on the hips
Despite that help he still took the hump
They didn't grab Ethel's, that's why she was lump
Albert won the raffle ,a bottle of gin
Albert won the raffle, a bottle of gin
Should he swig the lot or share it with his kin?
Albert won the raffle, a big bottle of gin
Should he swig the lot or share it with his kin?
He'd have a drink and then decide
Albert won the raffle, a big bottle of gin
Should he swig the lot or share it with his kin?
He'd have a drink and then decide
But before you know it - he was pie-eyed
Albert won the raffle, a big bottle of gin
Should he swig the lot or share it with his kin?
He'd have a drink and then decide
But before you know it - he was pie-eyed
He was it seems too drunk for the lock in.
Milly from Philly was a helluva catch
Milly from Philly was a helluva catch
She tried very hard to find a good match
Milly from Philly was a helluva catch
She tried very hard to find a good match
She spotted a bloke the spitting image of Clooney
Milly from Philly was a helluva catch
She tried very hard to find a good match
She spotted a bloke the spitting image of Clooney
But it soon became clear he was a bit of a loony
Milly from Philly was a hell of a catch
She tried very hard to find a good match
She spotted a bloke the splitting image of Clooney
But it soon became clear he was a bit of a looney
Alas, it was Judd who arrived in the last batch
Take a look at his avatar
George Clooney was a member on a dating site
George Clooney was a member on a dating site
But looking at his photo, something wasn't right
George Clooney was a member on a dating site
But looking at his photo, something wasn't right
For a bloke in his 60s it looks too young
George Clooney was a member on a dating site
But looking at his photo, something wasn't right
For a bloke in his 60s it looks too young
I'll just take my specs off and have some fun
George Clooney was a member on a dating site
But looking at his photo, something wasn't right
For a bloke in his 60s it looks too young
I'll just take my specs off and have some fun
Then he gave the ladies a scary big fright!
*
For he turned around and then flashed his bum! :shocked:
For he turned around and then flashed his bum!
Really exciting my dear old mum
For he turned around and then flashed his bum !
Really exciting my dear old mum
Her dentures fell out ,her glass eye did too
For he turned around and then flashed his bum !
Really exciting my dear old mum
Her dentures fell out, her glass eye did too
She picked them up and joined the queue
For he turned around and then flashed his bum !
Really exciting my dear old mum
Her dentures fell out, her glass eye did too
She picked them up and joined the queue
I hope she's careful, impostors are scum!
***********
Benny was a postie, with a really big sack
Benny was a postie, with a really big sack
But a sense of direction he really did lack
Benny was a postie, with a really big sack
But a sense of direction he really did lack
someone gave him a map
Benny was a postie, with a really big sack
But a sense of direction he really did lack
someone gave him a map
Which he kept under his cap
Benny was a postie, with a really big sack
But a sense of direction he really did lack
Someone gave him a map
Which he kept under his hat
Along with Pat's black cat..
I think this rhyme went all awry
So, another we will try
I think this rhyme went all awry
So another we will try
Lets make it funny, have a laugh
I think this rhyme went all awry
So another we will try
Lets make it funny, have a laugh
Try and think of something daft
I think this rhyme went all awry
So another we will try
Lets make it funny, have a laugh
Try and think of something daft
My mind's gone blank I think I'll cry
Oh blast now I have to start another :cry:
Oh blast now I have to start another :cry:
Come now Klondy, not such a bother
Oh blast now I have to start another
Come now Klondy, not such a bother
I'll try my best to start something witty
Oh blast now I have to start another
Come now Klondy, not such a bother
I'll try my best to start something witty
But the minds gone blank.. such a pity
Oh blast now I have to start another
Come now Klondy, not such a bother
I'll try my best to start something witty
But the minds gone blank.. such a pity
Makes me feel a real old duffer
The bin men have failed to show today
The bin men have failed to show today
I was told they'd lost their way
The bin men have failed to show today
I was told they'd lost their way
More likely they've met her from forty two
The bin men have failed to show today
I was told they'd lost their way
More like they've met her from forty two
She invites them in for a cuppa brew
The bin men have failed to show today
I was told they'd lost their way
More like they've met her from forty two
She invites them in for a cuppa brew
The "cup that cheers" I've heard folk say
I'll ring the council that'll sort it out
I'll ring the council that'll sort it out
They'll have a meeting and a day out
I'll ring the council that'll sort it out
They'll have a meeting and a day out
A hands on meeting at number forty two
I'll ring the council that'll sort it out
They'll have a meeting and a day out
A hands on meeting at number forty two
With tea and biscuits, and a visit to the loo
I'll ring the council that'll sort it out
They'll have a meeting and a day out
A hands on meeting at number forty two
With tea and biscuits, and a visit to the loo
An enjoyable day without a doubt
A For Sale sign is up at number forty two
A For Sale sign is up at number forty two
The woman's run off with a bloke called Hugh
A For Sale sign is up at number forty two
The woman's run off with a bloke called Hugh
He's an expert golfer with a powerful stroke
A For Sale sign is up at number forty two
The woman's run off with a bloke called Hugh
He's an expert golfer with a powerful stroke
And drives around in a Mini Moke
A For Sale sign is up at forty two
The woman's run off with a bloke called Hugh
He's an expert golfer with a powerful stroke
And drives around in a Mini Moke
A hole in one he hopes to do
Ethel's bunion throbbed when it was going to rain
Ethel's bunion throbbed when it was going to rain
It went all red and caused her some pain
Ethel's bunion throbbed when it was going to rain
It went all red and caused her some pain
Her nose went purple in the cold
Ethel's bunion throbbed when it was going to rain
It went all red and caused her some pain
Her nose went purple in the cold
The grandkids said 'it's cos you're old'
Ethel's bunion throbbed when it was going to rain
It went all red and caused her some pain
Her nose went purple in the cold
The grandkids said 'it's cos you're old'
So she boxed their ears and rattled their brains
You'll never believe what I saw today
You'll never believe what I saw today
Farmer Jones and Connie in the hay
You'll never believe what I saw today
Farmer Jones and Connie in the hay
Poor Connie seemed to have slipped onto the floor
You'll never believe what I saw today
Farmer Jones and Connie in the hay
Poor Connie seemed to have slipped onto the floor
And ended up covered in straw
You'll never believe what I saw today
Farmer Jones and Connie in the hay
Poor Connie seemed to have slipped onto the floor
And ended up covered in straw
So Farmer Jones had his way. :worried:
*
With pitchfork in hand Connie screamed
With pitchfork in hand Connie screamed
A girl with spirit. Farmer Jones beamed
With pitchfork in hand Connie screamed
A girl with spirit. Farmer Jones beamed
"I love you" he cried ❤
With pitchfork in hand Connie screamed
A girl with spirit,Farmer Jones beamed
'I love you' he cried
To roll her over , he tried
With pitchfork in hand Connie screamed
A girl with spirit,Farmer Jones beamed
'I love you' he cried
To roll her over , he tried
She grabbed a pitchfork, he was reamed!
*************
Football, rugby, and darts on TV
Really nothing I want to see
Football , rugby and darts on TV
Really nothing I want to see
Holly and Phillip are no more
And the woman Hammond is a bore
Football , rugby and darts on TV
Really nothing I want to see
Holly and Phillip are no more
And the woman Hammond is a bore
There's really much on for me.
*
On a dark, chilly night last week
On a dark, chilly night last week
Dex was arrested while doing a streak
On a dark, chilly night last week
Dex was arrested while doing a streak
klondike caught the action on his CCTV
On a dark, chilly night last week
Dex was arrested for doing a streak
Klondike caught the action on his CCTV
We're going to try it, Mups ,Alex Granny and me
On a dark, chilly night last week
Dex was arrested for doing a streak
Klondike caught the action on his CCTV
We're going to try it, Mups, Alex, Granny and me
Have a care or you'll be meeting the beak
The case was dismissed you'll be happy to hear
The case was dismissed you'll be happy to hear
As the judge toddled off for hid third pint of beer
The case was dismissed you'll be happy to hear
As the judge toddled off for his third pint of beer
A wardrobe mishap and with so little to see
No wonder he entered a "Not Guilty" plea
The case was dismissed you'll be happy to hear
As the judge toddled off for his third pint of beer
A wardrobe mishap and with so little to see
No wonder he entered a "Not Guilty" plea
Then all of his friends then gave up a great cheer!
************
Jerry liked to have a flutter
Jerry liked to have a flutter
He mostly wrote his bets as he had a stutter
Jerry liked to have a flutter
He mostly wrote his bets as he had a stutter
But try as he might, he had no luck
Jerry liked to have a flutter
He mostly wrote his bets as he had a stutter
But try as he might, he had no luck
His bank account in the red was stuck
Jerry liked to have a flutter
He mostly wrote his bets as he had a stutter
But try as he might, he had no luck
His bank account in the red was stuck
If he didn't watch out he'd end up in the gutter
Then in one race he had some luck
Then in one race he had some luck
T'was on The National.. Ten thousand bucks
Then in one race he had some luck
T'was on The National.. Ten thousand bucks
So off to the casino while his luck was in
Then in one race he had some luck
T'was on the National.. Ten thousand bucks
So off to the casino while his luck was in
But he blew it all on a floozy named Lyn
Then in one race he had some luck
T'was on the National.. Ten thousand bucks
So off to the casino while his luck was in
But he blew it all on a floozy named Lyn
Who was famed for her excellent Peking Duck
Jerry dozed after his excellent meal
Jerry dozed off after his excellent meal
Lyn's fingers in his pockets he did not feel
Jerry dozed off after his excellent meal
Lyn's fingers in his pockets he did not feel
He woke and ~ cash had gone!
Jerry dozed off after his excellent meal
Lyn's fingers in his pockets he did not feel
He woke and ~ cash had gone!
But it wasn't too long
Jerry dozed off after his excellent meal
Lyn's fingers in his pockets he did not feel
He woke and - cash had gone
But it wasn't too long
Before she was tasting a prison meal
James said 'I do' but he wasn't sure
You see, he fancied Molly who lived next door
James said 'I do' but he wasn't sure
You see, he fancied Molly who lived next door
But Molly was skint and Polly was flush
James said 'I do' but he wasn't sure
You see, he fancied Molly who lived next door
But Molly was skint and Polly was flush
Then there was Sadie ,who was a bit of a lush
James said 'I do' but he wasn't sure
You see, he fancied Molly who lived next door
But Molly was skint and Polly was flush
Then there was Sadie ,who was a bit of a lush
To be honest anything female was one hell of a lure
Polly suspected James was playing away
Polly suspected James was playing away
He'd go missing, then turn up next day
Polly suspected James was playing away
He'd go missing, then turn up next day
With love bites all over
Where they'd rolled in the clover
Polly suspected James was playing away
He'd go missing , then turn up next day
With love bites all over
Where they'd rolled in the clover
and scratches where they'd made love in the hay
Freda tossed a pancake , it flew up in the air
Freda tossed a pancake , it flew up in the air
It never made the pan again - it landed in her hair
Freda tossed a pancake, it flew up in the air
It never made the pan again- it landed in her hair
She scraped it out and served it up- Tom had it for his tea
Freda tossed a pancake, it flew up in the air
It never made the pan again - it landed in her hair
She scraped it out and served it up - Tom had it for his tea
Freda clearly thinking "what the eye don't see"
Freda tossed a pancake, It flew up in the air
It never made the pan again- it landed in her hair
She scraped it out and served it up- Tom had it for his tea
Freda clearly thinking "what the eye don't see"
Tom thought it was delicious and had another three
Sorry.. I know I got it wrong..but.
Sorry I know I got it wrong but
Everything else I thought of was outrageous smut
Sorry I know I got it wrong but
Everything else I thought of was outrageous smut
Innuendo every time
Leads to most salacious rhymes
Sorry I got it wrong but
Everything else I thought of was outrageous smut
Innuendo every time
leads to most salacious rhymes
But hey ho.. what the ....
When Dolly met Fred her heart skipped a beat
When Dolly met Fred her heart skipped a beat
She came over all faint, and fell at his feet
When Dolly met Fred her heart skipped a beat
She came over all faint, and fell at his feet
Fred tripped over her and sprained his wrist
When Dolly met Fred her heart skipped a beat
She came over all faint, and fell at his feet
Fred tripped over her and sprained his wrist
Whilst down on the floor they had a sneaky kiss
When Dolly met Fred her heart skipped a beat
She came over all faint, and fell at his feet
Fred tripped over her and sprained his wrist
Whilst down on the floor they had a sneaky kiss
Little did she know, Fred was a cheat.
***********
Dolly found out from Fred's long suffering wife
Dolly found out from Fred's long suffering wife
That he'd never been faithful throughout his life
Dolly found out from Fred's long suffering wife
That he'd never been faithful throughout his life
So she loaded her pistol 🔫 🤔 💀 🔫
Dolly found out from Fred's long suffering wife
That he'd never been faithful throughout his life
So she loaded her pistol 🔫 🤔 💀 🔫
Although feeling quite wistful
The bullet went through Fred like a knife.
*************
That was the tale of an unfaithful spouse
That was the tale of an unfaithful spouse
Who's wife wanted him to leave the house
That was the tale of an unfaithful spouse
Who's wife wanted him to leave the house
When he did she changed the locks
That was the tale of an unfaithful spouse
Whose wife wanted him to leave the house
When he did she changed the locks
And stopped all the clocks ⏰
That was the tale of an unfaithful spouse
Whose wife wanted him to leave the house
When he did she changed the locks
And stopped all the clocks ⏰
He took just his clothes and his wee pet mouse 🐁
****************
Bert and Madge took a trip to the sea
Bert and Madge took a trip to the sea
They won it on a raffle- got it for free
Bert and Madge took a trip to the sea
They won it on a raffle- got it for free
They walked hand in hand
Bert and Madge took a trip to the sea
They won it on a raffle- got it for free
They walked hand in hand
Made love in the sand
Then off home to their partners for tea
Aggie sat alone at the tea dance
Aggie sat alone at the tea dance
Ronnie liked her looks, thought he'd have a chance
Aggie sat alone at the tea dance
Ronnie liked her looks, thought he'd have a chance
I'm not that desperate she said
Aggie sat alone at the tea dance
Ronnie liked her looks, thought he'd have a chance
I'm not that desperate she said -
Now go home to bed!
Aggie sat alone at the tea dance
Ronnie liked her looks, thought he'd have a chance
I'm not that desperate she said -
Now go home to bed!
So off he went without a backward glance
Percy set off jogging at a gentle pace
Percy set of jogging at a gentle pace
Dressed as a frog in the village race
Percy set off jogging at a gentle pace
Dressed as a frog in the village race
He wasn't very speedy, he was somewhere at the back
Percy set off jogging at a gentle pace
Dressed as a frog -in the village race
He wasn't very speedy, he was somewhere at the back
He was even overtaken - by a kid in a sack
Percy set off jogging at a gentle pace
Dressed as a frog- in the village race
He wasn't very speedy , he was somewhere at the back
He was even overtaken by a kid in a sack
Percy hopped of home.. too embarrassed to show his face
Florrie was a carnival queen back in sixty-four
Florrie was a carnival queen back in sixty-four
When she was young and pretty, many years before
Florrie was a carnival queen back in sixty-four
When she was young and pretty, many years before
She now has warts and hairs on her chin
Florrie was a carnival queen back in sixty-four
When she was young and pretty, many years before
She now has warts and hairs on her chin
And can swiftly vanish a bottle of gin
Florrie was a carnival queen back in sixty -four
When she was young and pretty, many years before
She now has warts and hairs on her chin
And can swiftly vanish a bottle of gin
Hanging in her cupboard the gown she once wore..
Scrumpy's mind must have gone blank
Scrumpy's mind must have gone blank
Could it be the gin that she drank !!
Scrumpy's mind must have gone blank
Could it be that gin she drank !!
More likely to have been the whisky
Half a bottle makes some folks frisky
Scrumpy's mind must have gone blank
Could it be that gin she drank !!
More likely to have been the whisky
Half a bottle makes some folks frisky
Just a sniff is too much, I think its rank!
**********
Lily's favourite tipple was a dry white wine
Lily's favourite tipple was a dry white wine
I just wish she wouldn't pinch mine
Lily's favourite tipple was a dry white wine
I just wish she wouldn't pinch mine
So I gave her an empty glass!
Lily's favourite tipple was a dry white wine
I just wish she wouldn't pinch mine
So I gave her an empty glass!
She looked at it and said 'I'll pass'
Then drank from the bottle in double quick time
**********
Geordie ran a back street boozer in town
Geordie ran a back street boozer in town
Once it was known as the Rose & Crown
Geordie ran a back street boozer in town
Once it was known as the Rose & Crown
Now it's a wreck
Geordie ran a back street boozer in town
Once it was known as the Rose & Crown
Now it's a wreck
And needs a health check
Geordie ran a back street boozer in town
Once it was known as The Rose & Crown
Now it's a wreck
And needs a health check
after a curious rash was found
Spam is on 'OFFER' at the Co-op today
Spam is on 'OFFER' at the Co-op today
Tracy fears it could cause an affray
There could be a fight for the very last tin
Spam is on 'OFFER' at the Co-op today
Tracy fears it could cause an affray
There could be a fight for the very last tin
Barry's the favourite, all bets are on him
Spam is on 'OFFER' at the Co-op today
Tracy fears it could cause an affray
There could be a fight for the very last tin
Barry's the favourite, all bets are on him
He'll elbow and kick anyone in his way!
*************
Spam fritters are part of his daily fare
Spam fritters are part of his daily fare
Fried Mars bars too which get him a stare
Spam fritters are part of his daily fare
Fried Mars bars too which get him a stare
he pops them inside two slices of bread
Spam fritters are part of his daily fare
Fried Mars bars too which get him a stare
he pops them inside two slices of bread
Give him two years, I bet he'll be dead
Spam fritters are part of his daily fare
Fried Mars bars too which get him a stare
he pops them inside two slices of bread
Give him two years, I bet he'll be dead
Something tells me he just doesn't care
When I set out it was tipping down rain
When I set out it was tipping down rain
and not just on a silly plain in Spain.
When I set out it was tipping down rain
and not just on a silly plain in Spain.
Down South we've got floods
When I set out it was tipping down rain
and not just on a silly plain in Spain.
Down South we've got floods
We all need rain hoods
When I set out it was tipping down rain
and not just on a silly plain in Spain.
Down South we've got floods
We all need rain hoods
I don't wear them.. much too vain.
Freddie was wearing two odd shoes
Freddie was wearing two odd shoes
Maybe his glasses but more likely booze
Freddie was wearing two odd shoes
Maybe his glasses but more likely booze
He shuffled to the pub, as if he was lame
Freddie was wearing two odd shoes
Maybe his glasses but more likely booze
He shuffled to the pub, as if he was lame
It was two left shoes that were to blame
Freddie was wearing two odd shoes
Maybe his glasses but more likely booze
He shuffled to the pub, as if he was lame
It was two left shoes that were to blame
Where were the right ones, he had no clues
*************
Maggie walked her dog three times a day
Maggie walked her dog three times a day
and stopped to chat along the way
Maggie walked her dog three times a day
And stopped to chat along the way
Except to the oddball walking Peter and Andy
Maggie walked her dog three times a day
And stopped to chat along the way
Except to the oddball walking Peter and Andy
as Peter's too dim, and Andy too randy
Maggie walked her dog three times a day
And stopped to chat along the way
Except to the oddball walking Peter and Andy
as Peter's too dim, and Andy too randy
And 'Easter is cancelled' she heard him say.
******************
Maggie's dog was a massive Great Dane
Maggie's dog was a massive Great Dane
Pierre's dog was a poodle named Jane
They sniffed and kissed and fell in love
But not the dogs.. they growled and gruffed
Maggie's dog was a massive Great Dane
Pierre's dog was a poodle named Jane
They sniffed and kissed and fell in love
But not the dogs.. they growled and gruffed
Then chased each other down the lane
***********
As the grey clouds gathered today
As the grey clouds gathered today
Rishi longed for their parting and a golden ray
As the grey clouds gathered today
Rishi longed for their parting and a golden ray
But the rain pelted down
As the grey clouds gathered today
Rishi longed for their parting and a golden ray
But the rain pelted down
And flooded the town
As the grey clouds gathered today
Rishi longed for their parting and a golden ray
But the rain pelted down
And flooded the town
And washed all the voters away
*************
The Tories thought they had a plan
The Tories thought they had a plan
It didn't work and just upset gran
The Tories thought they had a plan
it didn't work and just upset gran
They promised all dentures would be free
The Tories thought they had a plan
it didn't work and just upset gran
They promised all dentures would be free
While looking hard for a money tree
The Tories thought they had a plan
it didn't work and just upset gran
They promised all dentures would be free
While looking hard for a money tree
I'll vote Reform .. the others have gone down the pan
Micky drove the get-away car
Micky drove the get-away car
He forgot to fill it so they didn't get far
Micky drove the get-away car
He forgot to fill it so they didn't get far
It stalled in the middle of York
Micky drove the get-away car
He forgot to fill it so they didn't get far
It stalled in the middle of York
Poor old Micky felt a total dawk
Micky drove the get-away car
He forgot to fill it so they didn't get far
It stalled in the middle of York
Poor old Micky felt a total dawk
Riding a pushbike with his mate on the crossbar.
************
Reform's manifesto looks pretty good
Reform's manifesto looks pretty good
Should we vote for them? I think we should
Reform's manifesto looks pretty good
Should we vote for them? I think we should
Put the Tories on the dole
Reform's manifesto looks pretty good
Should we vote for them? I think we should
Put the Tories on the dole
And that other lot , down a hole
Reform's manifesto looks pretty good
Should we vote for them? I think we should
Put the Tories on the dole
And that other lot , down a hole
Westminster has just too much deadwood
That Guy Fawkes bloke hathched the right plot
He wanted to blow up the whole damned lot
That Guy Fawkes bloke hatched the right plot
He wanted to blow up the whole damned lot
But an anonymous nark gave the plot away
And Guy Fawkes was hanged another day
That Guy Fawkes bloke hatched the right plot
He wanted to blow up the whole damned lot
But an anonymous nark gave the plot away
And Guy Fawkes was hanged another day
But the current lot don't care a jot!
************
The mayor of London should be voted out
The mayor of London should be voted out
But that he'll get back in I have little doubt
The mayor of London should be voted out
But that he'll get back in I have no doubt
He's like a puppet on a string
The mayor of London should be voted out
But that he'll get back in I have no doubt
He's like a puppet on a string
But across London he's more like a king
The mayor of London should be voted out
But that he'll be back in I have no doubt
He's like a puppet on a string
But across London he's more like a King
'Charlie out' you will hear them shout
Young Billy had a bucket and spade
Young Billy had a bucket and spade
On the beach for hours he happily played
Young Billy had a bucket and spade
On the beach for hours he happily played
He dug a channel down to the sea
Young Billy had a bucket and spade
On the beach for hours he happily played
He dug a channel down to the sea
Handy when he wanted to pee
Young Billy had a bucket and spade
On the beach for hours he happily played
He dug a channel down to the sea
Handy when he wanted to pee
- and anyone else wanted to wade
Percy's toupee blew off in a gale
Percy's toupee blew off in a gale
But that's not the end of this sorry tale
Percy's toupee blew off in a gale
But that's not the end of this sorry tale
for it landed on a train
Percy's toupee blew off in a gale
But that's not the end of this sorry tale
for it landed on a train
That was on its way to Spain
Percy's toupee blew off in a gale
But that's not the end of this sorry tale
For it landed on a train
That was on its way to Spain
Then came back via Royal Mail
All the boys were watching Suzy
All the boys were watching Suzy
She wore bright red lipstick and was a floosie
All the boys were watching Suzy
She wore bright red lipstick and was a floosie
But her heart was pure gold 💛
All the boys were watching Suzy
She wore bright red lipstick and was a floosie
But her heart was pure gold
And her hands icy cold
All the boys were watching Suzy
She wore bright red lipstick and was a floosie
But her heart was pure gold
And her hands icy cold
Which only bothered the really choosey
Donald is going to have to fight
Donald is going to have to fight
He's waiting until the dark of the night
Donald is going to have to fight
He's waiting until the dark of the night
Looking for cash to pay his fine
Donald is going to have a fight
He's waiting until the dark of the night
Looking for cash to pay his fine
Under the bed - I've hidden mine
Donald is going to have a fight
He's waiting until the dark of the night
Looking for cash to pay his fine
Under the bed- I've hidden mine
Will he come out on top! I think he might
The rag and bone man rang his bell
The cart was pulled by a nag called Nell
The rag and bone man rang his bell,
His cart was pulled by a nag called Nell
In any weather he was out
The kids would listen for his shout
The rag and bone man rang his bell,
His cart was pulled by a nag called Nell
In any weather he was out
The kids would listen for his shout
' Rag 'n bone.. any old rags you wanna sell'
It's Sunday morning, time to rest
It's Sunday morning, time to rest
In an hour or two I may even get dressed
It's Sunday morning, time to rest
In an hour or two I may even get dressed
Might have a fry-up, with some fried eggs
It's Sunday morning, time to rest
In an hour or two I may even get dressed
Might have a fry-up, with some fried eggs
If there's any booze left polish off the dregs
It's Sunday morning, time to rest
In an hour or two I might get dressed
Might have a fry-up with some fried eggs
If there's any booze left polish off the dregs
Oh!! Forgot the fried bread- that's the best.
Harry stood at the altar waiting for his bride
Harry stood at the altar waiting for his bride
Mum and Dad sat behind him gushing with pride
Harry stood at the altar waiting for his bride
Mum and Dad sat behind him gushing with pride
His feet were cold - and he wanted to run
Harry stood at the altar waiting for his bride
Mum and Dad sat behind him gushing with pride
His feet were cold - and he wanted to run
But he knew tonight would bring such fun !
Harry stood at the altar waiting for his bride
Mum and Dad sat behind him gushing with pride
His feet were cold- and he wanted to run
But he knew tonight would bring so much fun
Alas , he chose Cyril who was waiting outside.
Harry ran off with Cyril, to Brighton by the sea
Harry ran off with Cyril, to Brighton by the sea
They ran jnto the water, shrieking with glee!
Harry ran off with Cyril, to Brighton by the sea
They ran jnto the water, shrieking with glee!
But the cold hit Cyril who fell on his face
Harry ran off with Cyril, to Brighton by the sea
They ran into the water, shrieking with glee !
But the cold hit Cyril who fell on his face
And while he was down there Harry's eyes saw Grace
Sorry Klondike.. Alex beat you to it..
Harry ran off with Cyril, to Brighton by the sea
They ran into the water, shrieking with glee !
But the cold hit Cyril who fell on his face
And while he was down there Harry's eyes saw Grace
Who'd nipped into the water to have a crafty pee
The pair then rescued Cyrll and laid him on the beach
The pair then rescued Cyril and laid him on the beach
They had dragged him up the shingle by pulling one leg each
The pair then rescued Cyril and laid him on the beach
They had dragged him up the shingle by pulling one leg each
Somehow he lost his wig it was floating out to sea
The pair then rescued Cyril and laid him on the beach
They had dragged him up the shingle by pulling one leg each
Somehow he lost his wig it was floating out to sea
They had to calm the poor chap down with brandy in his tea
The pair then rescued Cyril and laid him on the beach
They had dragged him up the shingle by pulling one leg each
Somehow he lost his wig it was floating out to sea
They had to calm the poor chap down with brandy in his tea
And a seagull swooped and took the wig that was within its reach
March 05, 2024, 10:18:28 AM
Mickey had some dodgy goods stored in his white van
Mickey had some dodgy goods stored in his white van
For anything nicked to order, he really was the man
Mickey had some dodgy goods stored in his white van
For anything nicked to order, he really was the man
The police gave him a visit and bought up half his stock
Mickey had some dodgy goods stored in his white van
For anything nicked to order, he really was the man
The police gave him a visit and bought up half his stock
They put in an order some red lippy and four frocks
Mickey had some dodgy goods stored in his white van
For anything nicked to order, he really was the man
The police gave him a visit and bought up half his stock
They put in an order some red lippy and four frocks
Then knicked him for racism - he had a Jerry can
The defendant said the charge was daft
The defendant said the charge was daft
Jerry was a friend, his can he laughed
The defendant said the charge was daft
Jerry was a friend, his can he laughed
Not guilty the jurors all declared
The prosecuter sniffed and glared
He'd have to brush up on his craft
Paddy McGinty sold his goat
Paddy McGinty sold his goat
To Finn O'Reilly ,for 2punts and a boat
Paddy McGinty sold his goat
To Finn O'Reilly, for 2punts and a boat
He launched it into the Irish Sea
Paddy McGinty sold his goat
To Finn O'Reilly, for 2 punts and a boat
He launched it into the Irish Sea
It had sunk before the countdown reached three
Paddy McGinty sold his goat
To Finn O'Reilly, for 2 punts and a boat
He launched it into the Irish Sea
It had sunk before the countdown reached three
Lucky Paddy, he could float.
***********
There was a young builder named Fred
There was a young builder named Fred
Who had trouble getting out of his bed
There was a young builder named Fred
Who had trouble getting out of his bed
But I gave him a hand ✋
There was a young builder named Fred
Who had trouble getting out of his bed
But I gave him a hand ✋
He thought this was grand
There was a young builder named Fred
Who had trouble getting out of his bed
But I gave him a hand ✋
He thought this was grand
Who knows where it might have led!
**********
Now Fred thought he needed a wife
Now Fred thought he needed a wife
As he was far too happy with life
Now Fred thought he needed a wife
As he was far too happy with life
He put an ad in the paper
Now Fred thought he needed a wife
As he was far too happy with life
He put an ad in the paper
And a few weeks later
Now Fred thought he needed a wife
As he was far too happy with life
He put an ad in the paper
And a few weeks later
He knew all about trouble and strife
Fred is now hitched to Joyce
Fred is now hitched to Joyce
After no ad replies it was Hobson's Choice
Fred is now hitched to Joyce
After no ad replies it was Hobson's Choice
She's got some odd ways
Fred is now hitched to Joyce
After no ad replies it was Hobson's Choice
She's got some odd ways
Once her eyes start to blaze
Fred is now hitched to Joyce
After no ad replies it was Hobson's Choice
She's got some odd ways
Once her eyes start to blaze
And quite a strange pitch to her voice
****************
Then Joyce and Fred had a baby son
Then Joyce and Fred had a baby son
Which put an end to their nights of fun
Then Joyce and Fred had a baby son
Which put an end to their nights of fun
The wee lad would holler right through to dawn
Then Joyce and Fred had a baby son
Which put an end to their nights of fun
The wee lad would holler right through to dawn
Always the same since the day he was born
Then Joyce and Fred had a baby son
Which put an end to their nights of fun
The wee lad would holler right through to dawn
Always the same since the day he was born
Fred just wished he'd met up with a nun
Then the lad grew and started to crawl
Then the lad grew and started to crawl
the family cat taight him to brawl
Then the lad grew and started to crawl
the family cat taught him to brawl
It got out of hand
From nursery he was banned
Then the lad grew and started to crawl
the family cat taught him to brawl
It got out of hand
From nursery he was banned
For driving the carers up the wall
Must we continue this sorry tale
We surely know he'll end up in jail
Must we continue this sorry tale
We surely know he'll end up in jail
But with the British judiciary
He may just get a month or two, or three
Must we continue this sorry tale
We surely know he'll end up in jail
But with the British judiciary
He may just get a month or two, or three
But he'll probably be out on bail
Schoolteacher Jane was a bit of a girl
Schoolteacher Jane was a bit of a girl
Giving her rah rah skirt twirl
Schoolteacher Jane was a bit of a girl
Giving her rah rah skirt a twirl
Popular with the older boys
Schoolteacher Jane was a bit of a girl
Giving her rah rah skirt a twirl
Popular with the older boys
Being with her was one of their joys
School teacher Jane was a bit of a girl
Giving her rah rah skirt a twirl
Popular with the older boys
Being with her was one of their joys
Along with the sexy dinner lady Pearl
Mabel hit a bollard while trying to park the car
Mabel hit a bollard while trying to park the car
She was trying to reverse just outside the Spar
Mabel hit a bollard while trying to park the car
She was trying to reverse just outside the Spar
A sign saying REDUCED had caught her eye
Mabel hit a bollard while trying to park the car
She was trying to reverse just outside the Spar
A sign saying REDUCED had caught her eye
Whatever it was, she wanted to buy
Mabel hit a bollard while trying to park the car
She was trying to reverse just outside the Spar
A sign saying REDUCED had caught her eye
Whatever it was, she wanted to buy
Even a pongy candle in a plain glass jar
The council want five hundred quid to repair their sign
The council want five hundred quid to repair their sign
It'll come out of the council tax we we pay, yours and mine
The council want five hundred quid to repair their sign
It'll come out of the council tax we we pay, yours and mine
Mabel denies she was to blame
The council want five hundred quid to repair their sign
It'll come out of the council tax we we pay, yours and mine
Mabel denies she was to blame
But she was spotted, taking aim
The council want five hundred quid to repair their sign
It'll come out of the council tax we pay, yours and mine
Mabel denies she was to blame
But she was spotted, taking aim
She said her glasses were all steamed up so only got a fine
Umar from Nigeria fell for Betty from the Dales
Umar from Nigeria fell for Betty from the Dales
He also fell for Blodwyn when he was touring Wales
Not to mention Penny who he met in sunny Surrey
Umar from Nigeria fell for Betty from the Dales
He also fell for Blodwyn when he was touring Wales
Not to mention Penny who he met in sunny Surrey
Then there was Nita who made a red hot curry
Umar from Nigeria fell for Betty from the Dales
He also fell for Blodwyn when he was touring Wales
Not to mention Penny who he met in sunny Surrey
Then there was Nita who made a red hot curry
He charmed them all with his far fetched tales
Oh dear Betty like Umar is three months gone
So too is Blodwyn who fell or the same old con
Oh dear Betty like Umar is three months gone
So too is Blodwyn who fell for the same old con
Peggy ,in the morning ,is feeling funny in her tummy
And Nita can't bear the smell of her red hot curry
Oh dear Betty like Umar is three months gone
So too is Blodwyn who fell for the same old con
Peggy ,in the morning ,is feeling funny in her tummy
And Nita can't bear the smell of her red hot curry
Who will pay for all of Umar's spawn?
*************
70 year old Maisie met a fellow online
70 year old Maisie met a fellow online
He treated her to fish, chips and wine
70 year old Maisie met a fellow online
He treated her to fish, chips and wine
On Fridays it was Bingo night
70 year old Maisie met a fellow online
He treated her to fish, chips and wine
On Fridays it was Bingo night
And when they met up he got a fright
She'd told him she was thirty nine.
*************
Bert won twice at bingo, full house and a line
Bert won twice at bingo, full house and a line
He invited Doris ..to supper and some wine
Bert won twice at bingo, full house and a line
He invited Doris ..to supper and some wine
They went to Gino's bistro
Bert won twice at bingo, full house and a line
He invited Doris ..to supper and some wine
They went to Gino's bistro
She thought he was her hero
Bert won twice at bingo, full house and a line
He invited Doris.. to supper and some wine
They went to Gino's bistro
She thought he was her hero
Til he asked 'Your place or mine'?
Are you lonesome tonight ?
Are you lonesome tonight ?
Maybe you don't smell quite right.
Are you lonesome tonight ?
Maybe you don't smell quite right
Did you spray the deodorant under your arms
Are you lonesome tonight ?
Maybe you don't smell quite right
Did you spray the deodorant under your arms
Not forgetting your sweaty palms
Are you lonesome tonight ?
Maybe you don't smell quite right
Did you spray the deodorant under your arms
Not forgetting your sweaty palms
Or do you just look a fright?
**********
Kirsty liked to rock and roll
Kirsty liked to rock and roll
It made a change from around a pole
Kirsty liked to rock and roll
It made a change from around a pole
She strutted her stuff 3 times a week
Kirsty liked to rock and roll
It made a change from around a pole
She strutted her stuff 3 times a week
Singing along, more like a shriek
Kirsty liked to rock and roll
It made a change from around a pole
She strutted her stuff 3 times a week
Singing along, more like a shriek
But Kirsty was a simple soul
'Tickets please' Freddie cried
'Tickets please' Freddie cried
A big queue had formed outside
'Tickets please' Freddie cried
A big queue had formed outside
Elvis was appearing tonight
Tickets please' Freddie cried
A big queue had formed outside
Elvis was appearing tonight
Better get 'em in quick before there's a fight
'Tickets please' Freddie cried
A big queue had formed outside
Elvis was appearing tonight
Better get 'em in quick before there's a fight
Not the real Elvis, the posters had lied
March 19, 2024, 05:07:43 PM
Connie missed the last bus home
Connie missed the last bus home
So to a friend's house she did roam
Connie missed the last bus home
So to a friend's house she did roam
They weren't home, she knocked next door
Connie missed the last bus home
So to a friend's house she did roam
They weren't home, she knocked next door
Fast asleep, she could hear them snore
Connie missed the last bus home
So to a friends house she did roam
They weren't home, she knocked the door
Fast asleep, she could hear them snore
So, she started to walk.. all alone
Her stiletto heels made her bunion throb
Her stiletto heels made her bunion throb
Enough to make her want to sob
Her stiletto heels made her bunion throb
Enough to make her want to sob
She tottered along but kept looking back
Nervous that the street was now pitch black
Her stiletto heels made her bunion throb
Enough to make her want to sob
She tottered along but kept looking back
Nervous that the street was now pitch black
And footsteps behind her.. was that of a dog
Babs and George were off on a cruise
Babs and George were off on a cruise
One of those that included free booze
Babs and George were off on a cruise
One of those that included free booze
From early doors they were on the wine
Babs and George were off on a cruise
One of those that included free booze
From early doors they were on the wine
George drinking his from a one litre stein
Babs and George were off on a cruise
One of those that included free booze
From early doors they were on the wine
George drinking his from a one litre stein
By lunchtime all they did was snooze 😴
************
George dyed his hair a fetching shade of red
George dyed his hair a fetching shade of red
Babs chose blue for their trip around the med
George dyed his hair a fetching shade of red
Babs chose blue for their trip around the med
They looked a pair of smarties!
George dyed his hair a fetching shade of red
Babs chose blue for their trip around the med
They looked a pair of smarties!
So were invited to lots of parties
George dyed his hair a fetching shade of red
Babs chose blue for their trip around the med
They looked a pair of smarties!
So were invited to lots of parties
Shining in the dark with the colours on their head
There once was a cashier at Aldi
Who's scanning skills were pretty lively
She says "mind your head!"
As she chucks you your bread
And it lands in the trolley precisely
:grin: :grin: :grin:
There once was a cashier from Waitrose
Who had a habit of looking down her nose
She would wear gloves to scan cheap old spam
And a big smile for Duchy of Cornwall ham
But she lived on an estate and her name was Rose
Now Rose really had a heart of gold 💛
Now Rose really had a heart of gold
She worked in Tesco's branch in Mold
Now Rose really had a heart of gold
She worked in Tesco's branch in Mold
She'd point out the offers on biscuits and booze
Now Rose really had a heart of gold
She worked in Tesco's branch in Mold
She'd point out the offers on biscuits and booze
And always helped pensioners what to choose
Now Rose really had a heart of gold
She worked in Tesco's branch in Mould
She'd point out the offers on biscuits and booze
And always helped pensioners what to choose
And never sold Persil when they had Offers on Bold
Olive was an usherette at the Flea Pit in the town
She worked in Tesco's branch in Mold...... there really is a town called Mold, odd name isn't it ?
Yes, quite weird!
Olive was an usherette at the Flea Pit in the town
With a trayful of ice creams she'd saunter up and down
Olive was an usherette at the Flea Pit in the town
With a trayful of ice creams she'd saunter up and down
The local yobbo tried to pinch her tubs
Olive was an usherette at the Flea Pit in the town
With a trayful of ice creams she'd saunter up and down
The local yobbo tried to pinch her tubs
Olive cracked his knuckles, and made the yobbo blub
Olive was an usherette at the Flea Pit in the town
With a tray full of ice creams she'd saunter up and down
The local yobbo tried to pinch her tubs
Olive cracked his knuckles and made the yobbo blub
Olive brought the big clown down
Sheila had a face pack made of thick gooey slime
She wanted to look pretty, she was going out to dine
Sheila had a face pack made of thick gooey slime
She wanted to look pretty, she was going out to dine
Her hopes were dashed when the damn stuff set rock hard
Sheila had a face pack made of thick gooey slim
She wanted to look pretty, she was going out to dine
Her hopes were dashed when the damned stuff set rock hard
It cracked down the middle and the mask was halved
Sheila had a face pack made of thick gooey slim
She wanted to look pretty, she was going out to dine
Her hopes were dashed when the damned stuff set rock hard
It cracked down the middle and the mask was halved
Sheila just thought 'sod it' and poured herself a wine 🍷
*********
Eric popped into the barbers, first time for a while
Eric popped into the barbers, first time for a while
He asked Joe the barber to give him a new style
Joe being an amenable sort of a chappie
Set to with his scissors to make Eric happy
The result certainly made plenty of folk smile
Eric resolved in future to give Joe's a miss
Eric resolved in future to give Joe's a miss
He was getting embarrassed with everyone taking the piss
Eric resolved in future to give Joe's a miss
He was getting embarrassed with everyone taking the piss
A pensioner of seventy two
With a Mohican of red and blue
Eric resolved in future to give Joe's a miss
He was getting embarrassed with everyone taking the piss
A pensioner of seventy two
With a Mohican of red and blue
That bloody Joe; who'd have expected this?
Eric fumed and formed his plot
Eric fumed and formed his plot
To put that barber on the spot
Eric fumed and formed his plot
To put that barber on the spot
He carried a placard saying 'Look what he's done'
'He's made me the object of fun'
Eric fumed and formed his plot
To put that barber on the spot
He carried a placard saying 'Look what he's done'
'He's made me the object of fun'
Did anyone care? Not a lot.
************
Bernard saved up to buy a new car
Bernard saved up to buy a new car
He thought that Fords were best by far !
Bernard saved up to buy a new car
He thought that Fords were best by far !
He spotted a Focus in a nice bright red,
Only 50,000 miles the salesman said
Bernard saved up to buy a new car
He thought that Fords was best by far!
He spotted a Focus in a nice bright red,
Only 50,000 miles the salesman said
He counted the pound coins in his big savings jar
Billy rode the dodgems at the local fair
Billy rode the dodgems at the local fair
Someone whacked him from behind which nearly made him swear
Billy rode the dodgems at the local fair
Someone whacked him from behind which nearly made him swear
But he swallowed the words after the bump
Billy rode the dodgems at the local fair
Someone whacked him from behind which nearly made him swear
But he swallowed the words after the bump
Even though it gave him the hump
Quote from: klondike on March 25, 2024, 05:41:49 PMBilly rode the dodgems at the local fair
Someone whacked him from behind which nearly made him swear
But he swallowed the words after the bump
Even though it gave him the hump
Billy said 'This was a crap one I do declare' !
Betty hung her white drawers on the washing line
Betty hung her white drawers on the washing line
But they got stolen by some filthy swine
Betty hung her white drawers on the washing line
But they got stolen by some filthy swine
They flew them up a flagpole on top of the Town Hall
Betty hung her white drawers on the washing line
But they got stolen by some filthy swine
They flew them up a flagpole on top of the Town Hall
Even 50 feet away they could hardly be reckoned small
Betty hung her white drawers on the washing line
But they got stolen by some filthy swine
They flew them up a flagpole on top of the Town Hall
Even 50 feet away they could hardly be reckoned small
All that could be heard was Betty shouting " Oi they're mine "
Jenny decided to take a bus ride
Jenny decided to take a bus ride
She wanted to go to Dover to watch the incoming tide
Jenny decided to take a bus ride
She wanted to go to Dover to watch the incoming tide
But she was too late it had been and gone
Jenny decided to take a bus ride
She wanted to go to Dover to watch the incoming tide
But she was too late it had been and gone
Only a dinghy and a bloke calling himself John
Jenny decided to take a bus ride
She wanted to go to Dover to watch the incoming tide
But she was too late it had been and gone
Only a dinghy and a bloke calling himself John
Said he loved her and asked would she be his bride
He converted to Christianity, in church they were wed
He converted to Christianity, in church they were wed
then off on honeymoon the happy pair sped
He converted to Christianity, in church they were wed
then off on honeymoon the happy pair sped
Like a couple of turtle doves
He converted to Christianity, in church they were wed
then off on honeymoon the happy pair sped
Like a couple of turtle doves
She thought he was her one true love
When he got a British passport, off on his toes he fled.
XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX
Our country once great, is going down the pan
Our country once great, is going down the pan
How long, I wonder, till we are led by an honest man
Our country once great, is going down the pan
How long, I wonder, till we are led by an honest man
'Honest man', hmm, what's one of those
Our country once great, is going down the pan
How long, I wonder, till we are led by an honest man
'Honest man', hmm, what's one of those
Or honest woman? Heaven knows
Our country once great, is going down the pan
How long, I wonder, till we are led by an honest man
'Honest man', hmm, what's one of those
Or honest woman? Heaven knows
If anyone can sort it ,Tracey round the Co-op can
Harry saw something shiny on the ground
Quote from: Scrumpy on March 29, 2024, 07:58:21 AMHarry saw something shiny on the ground
Bright and shiny, 'twas a pound
Harry saw something shiny on the ground
Bright and shiny, 'twas a pound
he picked it up with glee
Harry saw something shiny on the ground
Bright and shiny, 'twas a pound
he picked it up with glee
But doing so put out his knee
Quote from: klondike on March 29, 2024, 09:40:55 AMHarry saw something shiny on the ground
Bright and shiny, 'twas a pound
he picked it up with glee
But doing so put out his knee
And fell full length upon the ground
There was once a man from Darjeeling
There was once a man from Darjeeling
who walked upside down on the ceiling
There was once a man from Darjeeling
who walked upside down on the ceiling
But slipped out of his shoes
There was once a man from Darjeeling
who walked upside down on the ceiling
But slipped out of his shoes
And slid out of his trews
There was once a man from Darjeeling
who walked upside down on the ceiling
But slipped out of his shoes
And slid out of his trews
Which left all the onlookers reeling
A strange little man from Penang
A strange little man from Penang
liked to make things go with a bang
A strange little man from Penang
liked to make things go with a bang
His TukTuk was blowing out smoke
A strange little man from Penang
liked to make things go with a bang
His TukTuk was blowing out smoke
and then his back axle broke
A strange little man from Penang
liked to make things go with a bang
His TukTuk was blowing out smoke
and then his back axle broke
With almighty crack and a twang.
**********
A quiet young fellow from Deal
A quiet young fellow from Deal
once asked me out for a meal
A quiet young fellow from Deal
once asked me out for a meal
We went to a pub
Renowned for good grub
A quiet young fellow from Deal
once asked me out for a meal
We went to a pub
Renowned for good grub
and we scoffed the lot with great zeal.
Once upon a warm Summer night
Once upon a warm Summer night
Maggie had a dreadful fright
Once upon a warm Summer night
Maggie had a dreadful fright
she saw something moving
Once upon a warm Summer night
Maggie had a dreadful fright
she saw something moving
Then heard something mooing
A cow stuck in the fence, really tight.
XxxxxxxxxxX
Maurice forgot to change his clocks
Maurice forgot to change his clocks
he also forgot to change his socks,
Maurice forgot to change his clocks
he also forgot to change his socks,
His feet were quite whiffy
Maurice forgot to change his clocks
he also forgot to change his socks,
His feet were quite whiffy
and not very pretty
Maurice forgot to change his clocks
he also forgot to change his socks,
His feet were quite whiffy
and not very pretty
His love life was well on the rocks
**********
There was an old chap who liked to run
Early in the morning, he'd beat the sun
There was an old chap who liked to run
Early in the morning, he'd beat the sun
He decided to tell all this unlikely tale
There was an old chap who liked to run
Early in the morning, he'd beat the sun
He decided to tell all this unlikely tale
over a glass of warm pale ale
There was an old chap who liked to run
Early in the morning, he'd beat the sun
He decided to tell all this unlikely tale
over a glass of warm pale ale
In the pub with his mates when his day was done.
March 31, 2024, 12:57:42 PM
My 4 year old grandson loves limericks, we only do two lines, his favourite is
There was a young boy called Tom
Who slipped and fell on his bum
There was a young boy called Tom
Who slipped and fell on his bum
There was a young boy called Tom
Who slipped and fell on his bum
he cried big wet tears
There was a young boy called Tom
Who slipped and fell on his bum
he cried big wet tears
and ignored all the jeers
There was a young boy called Tom
Who slipped and fell on his bum
he cried big wet tears
and ignored all the jeers
in favour of a cuddle from Mum.
I once fancied a warm onion bhaji
I once fancied a warm onion bhaji
But my tummy was feeling quite dodgy
I once fancied a warm onion bhaji
But my tummy was feeling quite dodgy
so I opted for curry
I once fancied a warm onion bhaji
But my tummy was feeling quite dodgy
so I opted for curry
Perhaps I should worry?
I once fancied a warm onion bhaji
But my tummy was feeling quite dodgy
so I opted for curry
Perhaps I should worry?
It was too hot, and really quite stodgy.
*************
We're on holiday, enjoying the rain
We're on holiday, enjoying the rain
don't think we'll ever be dry again
We're on holiday, enjoying the rain
don't think we'll ever be dry again
The sun peeped out for about an hour
We're on holiday, enjoying the rain
don't think we'll ever be dry again
The sun peeped out for about an hour
but didn't seem to have much power,
We're on holiday, enjoying the rain
don't think we'll ever be dry again
The sun peeped out for about an hour
but didn't seem to have much power
Eagerly watching that weather vane
Was taking a walk on Brighton Pier
Was taking a walk on Brighton Pier
and saw a dolphin swimming near
Was taking a walk on Brighton Pier
and saw a dolphin swimming near
He had a mermaid riding on his back
Was taking a walk on Brighton Pier
and saw a dolphin swimming near
He had a mermaid riding on his back
Pretty tricky - requires a knack
Was taking a walk on Brighton Pier
and saw a dolphin swimming near
He had a mermaid riding on his back
Pretty tricky - requires a knack
Everyone clapped and gave a big cheer!
*************
Lizzie went out to lunch with Pete
Lizzie went out to lunch with Pete
only £6 for all they could eat
Lizzie went out to lunch with Pete
only £6 for all they could eat
Lizzie felt bloated and Pete was sick
Lizzie went out for lunch with Pete
only £6 for all they could eat
Lizzie felt bloated and Pete was sick
But Alka Seltzer did the trick
Lizzie went out for lunch with Pete
only £6 for all they could eat
Lizzie felt bloated and Pete was sick
But Alka Seltzer did the trick
and both of them went home replete
I am owned by a long tailed Tabby Twit
I am owned by a long tailed Tabby Twit
She's the boss, telling me where I can sit
I am owned by a long tailed Tabby Twit
She's the boss, telling me where I can sit
As soon as I do she's on my lap
I am owned by a long tailed Tabby Twit
She's the boss, telling me where I can sit
As soon as I do she's on my lap
Her favourite speck for taking a nap
I am owned by a long tailed Tabby Twit
She's the boss, telling me where I can sit
As soon as I do she's on my lap
Her favourite speck for taking a nap
I love being 'owned'I must admit !
Betty the barmaid was about to call time
Betty the barmaid was about to call time
When a stranger walked in .. asked for vodka and lime
He was tall and handsome.. Wore a stetson hat
Betty the barmaid was about to call time
When a stranger walked in .. asked for vodka and lime
He was tall and handsome.. Wore a stetson hat
But in the middle of Carlisle he looked a total prat
Betty the barmaid was about to call time
When a stranger walked in.. asked for vodka and lime
He was tall and handsome..Wore a Stetson hat
But in the middle of Carlisle he looked a total prat
But not in Carlisle Pennsylvania where he looked fine.
Betty the barmaid was about to call time
When a stranger walked in.. asked for vodka and lime
He was tall and handsome..Wore a Stetson hat
But in the middle of Carlisle he looked a total prat
But not in Carlisle Pennsylvania where he looked fine.
He'd left his horse in Newcastle under Lyme
Richard was proud of the shiny new hearse
Richard was proud of the shiny new hearse
Though he wasn't an undertaker, he was a nurse
Richard was proud of his shiny new hearse
Though he wasn't an undertaker, he was a nurse
It had plenty of room to lay down in the back
Richard was proud of his shiny new hearse
Though he wasn't an undertaker, he was a nurse
It had plenty of room to lay down in the back
Best of all it wasn't boring black
Richard was proud of his shiny new hearse
Though he wasn't an undertaker, he was a nurse
It had plenty of room to lay down in the back
Best of all it wasn't boring black
It was bright shocking pink, which really looked worse.
**************
Every week Pete went to watch his team
Every week Pete went to watch his team
When it came to tiddlewinks they were the cream
Every week Pete went to watch his team
When it came to tiddlewinks they were the cream
They played in pub leagues, they liked to win
Every week Pete went to watch his team
When it came to tiddlewinks they were the cream
They played in pub leagues, they liked to win
The captain would flip putting on sideways spin
Every week Pete went to watch his team
When it came to tiddlewinks they were the cream
They played in pub leagues, they liked to win
The captain would flip putting on sideways spin
For 5year old's they were keen and mean
Mori worked the market down at Golders Green
Mori worked the market down at Golders Green
Some days he'd make a fortune, others not a bean
Mori worked the market down at Golders Green
Some days he'd make a fortune, others not a bean
The rozzers had him in their sights
But couldn't catch him, try as they might
Mori worked the market down at Golders Green
Some days he'd make a fortune, others not a bean
The rozzers had him in their sights
But couldn't catch him, try as they might
He would leave them standing when he channelled Barry Sheen
******************
He sold towels and plates and pots and pans
He sold towels and plates and pots and pans
Which he brought along in one of his vans
He sold towels and plates and pots and pans
Which he brought along in one of his vans
He sold things for the weekend and stuff for the week
He sold towels and plates and pots and pans
Which he brought along in one of his vans
He sold things for the weekend and stuff for the week
Things for the slobs and things for the chic
He sold towels and plates and pots and pans
Which he brought along in one of his vans
He sold things for the weekend and stuff for the week
Things for the slobs and things for the chic
Bought on the QT from 'some man'.
**************
Joe went camping in the Peaks last week
Joe went camping in the Peaks last week
When the tent blew away he cried out EEEEK!
Joe went camping in the Peaks last week
When the tent blew away he cried out EEEEK!
He found a cave, bedded down for the night
Joe went camping in the Peaks last week
When the tent blew away he cried out EEEEK!
He found a cave, bedded down for the night
Scuttling sounds gave him such a fright
Joe went camping in the Peaks last week
When the tent blew away he cried out EEEEK!
He found a cave, bedded down for the night
Scuttling sounds gave him such a fright
Whatever it was it made him shreak
Come morning Joe went looking for a B&B
Come morning Joe went looking for a B&B
He needed one desperately.. he needed to pee
He saw a red light shining over the way
He hoped it was somewhere that he could stay
Come morning Joe went looking for a B&B
He needed one desperately.. he needed to pee
He saw a red light shining over the way
He hoped it was somewhere that he could stay
So he asked if they had a room free
He entered his room and got quite a shock
He entered his room and got quite a shock
Sprawled on the bed was a man in a frock
He entered his room and got quite a shock
Sprawled on the bed was a man in a frock
Joe asked the man 'why are you here?'
He said 'I'm waiting for someone like you my dear'
He entered the room and got quite a shock
Sprawled on the bed was a man in a frock
He's asked the man 'why are you here?'
He said 'I'm waiting for someone like you my dear'
Joe came over all queer.. and the door he did lock
April 11, 2024, 05:48:37 PM
Molly had injections to fatten up her lips
Molly had injections to fatten up her lips
For many days afterwards she couldn't eat her chips
Molly had injections to fatten up her lips
For many days afterwards she couldn't eat her chips
But that was the least of Molly's woes
A top lip so puffy it blocked her nose
Molly had injections to fatten up her lips
For many days afterwards she couldn't eat her chips
But that was the least of Molly's woes
A top lip so puffy it blocked up her nose
At least she hasn't resorted to piercings in her nips
I was thinking about a haircut just the other day
I was thinking about a haircut the other day
The comb over has grown too long, it's really in the way
I was thinking about a haircut the other day
The comb over has grown too long, it's really in the way
When the wind blows
It lashes my nose
I was thinking about a haircut the other day
The comb over has grown too long, it's really in the way
I might plait the top, and colour it red
If that doesn't work I'll go bald instead
Why are some of you writing two lines ? asking for a friend......
Why are some of you writing two lines ? asking for a friend......
Can you folks please let others choose an end
Why should you get to steer
Perhaps it could be insufficient beer
These things should really be a blend.
Why did Scrumptious ignore my lines?
Why did Scrumptious ignore his lines?
She may not have seen them at the time
Then no one finished that limerick
Why did Scrumptious ignore his lines?
She may not have seen them at the time
Then no one finished that limerick
To keep this going needs another line quick
Why did Scrumptious ignore his lines?
She may not have seen them at the time
Then no one finished that limerick
To keep this going needs another line quick
And here it is, and thank god it rhymes!
*************
Writing limericks is good for the brain
Writing limericks is good for the brain
I'll try not to write two lines again
Writing limericks is good for the brain
I'll try not to write two lines again
I tried so hard I really did
There should be a penalty - at least a quid
Writing limericks is good for the brain
I'll try not to write two lines again
I tried so hard I really did
There should be a penalty- at least a quid
Klondike- you are barred from the game
I was only wondering should I join in
Or would that be a venial sin ?
I was only wondering should I join in
Or would that be a venial sin ?
Go for it Alex- write two lines at a time
I'm at your back. You will be fine
I was only wondering should I join in
Or would that be a venial sin ?
Go for it Alex- write two lines at a time
I'm at your back. You will be fine
OK I'll take the flack on the chin !
Vince was polishing the hearse's brass knobs
Vince was polishing the hearse's brass knobs
I thought Hearse's read Horse's, it didn't, thank God
Vince was polishing the hearse's brass knobs
I thought Hearse's read Horses, it didn't, thank God
The knobs were gleaming and shining bright
Vince was polishing the hearse's brass knobs
I thought Hearse's read Horses, it didn't, thank God
The knobs were gleaming and shining bright
Catching the light on a dismal night
For all his effort, Vince only got ten bob.
***************
Vince was happy working with the dead
Vince was happy working with the dead
Although night shifts he really did dread.
Vince was happy working with the dead
Although some night shifts he really did dread
He thought he heard singing- A Tom Jones song
Vince was happy working with the dead
Although some night shifts he really did dread
He thought he heard singing- A Tom Jones song
But 'That's not unusual' in a shift 12 hours long
Vince was happy working with the dead
Although some night shifts he really did dread
He thought he heard singing- A Tom Jones song
But 'That's not unusual' in a shift 12 hours long
But it was 'I'm too Sexy' by Right Said Fred,
*********************
Jed was a baker working through the night
Jed was a baker working through the night
Hoping his Cob would rise just right
Jed was a baker working through the night
Hoping his Cob would rise just right
But this time it sank
Jed was a baker working through the night
Hoping his Cob would rise just right
But this time it sank
And it tasted quite rank
Jed was a baker working through the night
Hoping his Cob would rise just right
But this time it sank
And it tasted quite rank
He'd had enough after just one bite !
Allotment Albert was so proud of his spuds
Allotment Albert was so proud of his spuds
He had a great crop, none of them duds
Allotment Albert was so proud of his spuds
He had a great crop, none of them duds
Baked mashed or roast 🥔 🥔
Allotment Albert was so proud of his spuds
He had a great crop, none of them duds
Baked mashed or roast 🥔 🥔
He loved to boast
Allotment Albert was so proud of his spuds
He had a great crop, none of them duds
Baked mashed or roast 🥔 🥔
He loved to boast
He could tickle anyone's taste buds
Shirley is a dab hand with the Tarot cards
Shirley is a dab hand with the tarot cards
She'll tell you if you'll find love.. or if you'll find life hard
Shirley is a dab hand with the tarot cards
She'll tell you if you'll find love.. or if you'll find life hard
She doesn't charge a lot of dosh
Shirley is a dab hand with the tarot cards
She'll tell you if you'll find love.. or if you'll find life hard
She doesn't charge a lot of dosh
And often talks a load of tosh
Shirley is a dab hand with the tarot cards
She'll tell you if you'll find love.. or if you'll find life hard
She doesn't charge a lot of dosh
And often talks a load of tosh
If she reads yours, be on your guard.
**************
Her sister was a fortune teller in a caravan
Her sister was a fortune teller in a caravan
She'd look into her crystal ball- and say she saw your man
Her sister was a fortune teller in a caravan
She'd look into her crystal ball- and say she saw your man
She charged two bob a go
Her sister was a fortune teller in a caravan
She'd look into her crystal ball- and say she saw your man
She charged two bob a go
Business was never slow
Her sister was a fortune teller in a caravan
She'd look into her crystal ball- and say she saw your man
She'd charge two bob a go
Business was never slow
Get their early- if you can
Bobby had a big pothole outside of his front door
He hadn't seen his MIL for over a week- or more
Bobby had a big pothole outside of his front door
He hadn't seen his MIL for over a week- or more
Had she fallen in?
Bobby had a big pothole outside of his front door
He hadn't seen his MIL for over a week - or more
Had she fallen in ?
She was always on the gin
Bobby had a big pothole outside of his front door
He hadn't seen his MIL for over a week - or more
Had she fallen in ?
She was always on the gin
Or was she still hungover, with a head that's really sore?
***************
Bobby called the council, to get the hole repaired
Bobby called the council, to get the hole repaired
His MIL sadly was visually impaired :1040:
Bobby called the council, to get the hole repaired
His MIL sadly was visually impaired :1040:
They said that they would be there in 2028
Bobby called the council, to get the hole repaired
His MIL sadly was visually impaired :1040:
They said that they would be there in 2028
But Bobby then decided he wasn't going to wait
Bobby called the council to get the hole repaired
His MIL sadly was visually impaired :1040:
They said that they would be there in 2028
But Bobby then decided he wasn't going to wait
He dare not- of his wife he was scared
'Tickets please' the conductor cried
'Tickets please' the conductor cried
'Move down the bus, there's room inside'
Tickets please' the conductor cried
'Move down the bus, there's room inside'
Mary shuffled her way to the front
'Tickets please ' the conductor cried
' move down the bus, there's room inside'
Mary shuffled her way to the front
A window seat she did hunt
'Tickets please ' the conductor cried
' move down the bus, there's room inside'
Mary shuffled her way to the front
A window seat she did hunt
But the priority seats were occupied
************
The young passengers were busy looking at their phones
They didn't notice Mary, an old lady, skin and bone
The young passengers were busy looking at their phones
They didn't notice Mary, an old lady, skin and bone
Some tutted when she knocked them as the bus went over a bump
And others on the bus soon showed they had the hump
Except a little boy who's name was Billy Jones
Maggie threw a party.. she was all of fifty four
Maggie threw a party.. she was all of fifty four
She drank and danced til midnight, then fell down on the floor
Maggie threw a party ... she was all of fifty four
She drank and danced til midnight, then fell down on the floor
She took out Jim, Peggy and Tom as she fell down with a plop
Maggie threw a party ... she was all of fifty four
She drank and danced til midnight, then fell down on the floor
She took out Jim, Peggy and Tom as she fell down with a plop
But Basil picked her up again and they continued to bop !
Maggie threw a party ... she was all of fifty four
She drank and danced til midnight, then fell down on the floor
She took out Jim, Peggy and Tom as she fell down with a plop
But Basil picked her up again and they continued to bop !
She could hardly move next day, her head and bum were too sore!
********************
She went on the wagon, but fell off pretty quick
She went on the wagon, but fell off pretty quick
When she did a pub round with a bloke called slimy Mick
She went on the wagon, but fell off pretty quick
When she did a pub round with a bloke called slimy Mick
She got legless pretty quick
She went on the wagon, but fell off pretty quick
When she did a pub round with a bloke called slimy Mick
She got pretty legless quick
On the pub crawl with naughty Mick :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:
Your turn GrannyMac.. keep it going..
:grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:
Can't believe I did that! 🙄
She went on the wagon, but fell off pretty quick
When she did a pub round with a bloke called slimy Mick
She got legless pretty quick
On the pub crawl with naughty Mick
And people stopped and stared when she did her party trick!
****************
Maggie did the splits, whilst stand on her head
Maggie did the splits , whilst standing on her head
Ethel also tried it but nearly broke a leg
Maggie did the splits , whilst standing on her head.
Ethel also tried it but nearly broke a leg
Mick was watching goggled eyed
As Maggie's skirt was on the slide
Luckily the bus came and they all went home to bed!
*************
The pub was packed on Saturday night
The pub was packed on Saturday night
Ethel and Maggie pole dancing, what a sight
The pole was greased with thick beef dripping
The pub was packed on Saturday night
Ethel and Maggie pole dancing, what a sight
The pole was greased with thick beef dripping
It stank something horrid, and the pair kept slipping
The pub was packed on Saturday night
Ethel and Maggie pole dancing, what a sight
The pole was greased with thick beef dripping
It stank something horrid, and the pair kept slipping
Their green wooly drawers gave everyone a fright !
Reverend Brown was new to the church
Reverend Brown was new to the church
At the top of the aisle he stood on his perch
Reverend Brown was new to the church
At the top of the aisle he stood on his perch
He said, "Let us pray!" 🙏
Reverent Brown was new to the church
At the top of the aisle he stood on his perch
He said 'Let us pray'
'We'll win the Lottery today'
Reverent Brown was new to the church
At the top of the aisle he stood on his perch
He said 'Let us pray'
'We'll win the Lottery today'
Then I'll leave the church in the lurch.
*****************
Down at the Co-op, there are bargains galore
Down at the Co-op, there are bargains galore
Including only £2 for a giant Lenor
Down at the Co-op, there are bargains galore
Including only £2 for a giant Lenor
You'll smell like a dream!
Down at the Co-op, there are bargains galore
Including only £2 for a giant Lenor
You'll smell like a dream!
So fresh and so clean
Down at the Co-op, there are bargains galore
Including only £2 for a giant Lenor
You'll smell like a dream!
So fresh and so clean
BOGOFs available in store.
Jane thought her hubby was playing away
Jane thought her hubby was playing away
If she found out for sure there would be hell to pay
Jane thought her hubby was playing away
If she found out for sure there would be hell to pay
He stunk of Impulse.. she used just soap
Jane thought her hubby was playing away
If she found out for sure there would be hell to pay
He stunk of Impulse.. she used just soap
B&M's best, the smell made her croak
Jane thought her hubby was playing away
If she found out for sure there would be hell to pay
He stank of Impulse.. she used just soap
H&M's best, the smell made her croak
She thought it was Sally.. the village lay
Albert's marrow was the best in show
Albert's marrow was the best in show
How it grew so big, he really didn't know
Alberts marrow was the best in show
How it grew so big, he really didn't know
He'd hugged it and stroked it and fed it well
Alberts marrow was the best in show
How it grew so big, he really didn't know
He'd hugged it and stroked it and fed it well
Lots of TLC really made it swell
Albert's marrow was the best in show
How it grew so big, he really didn't know
He'd hugged it and stroked it and fed it well
Lots of TLC really made it swell
For his prize he won a big pink bow
Betty flashed her new teeth at the social club
Betty flashed her new teeth at the social club
She'd already shown them off in the local pub
Betty flashed her new teeth at the social club
She'd already shown them off in her local pub
She leant them to Mabel ,who had a red hot date
Betty flashed her new teeth at the social club
She'd already shown them off in the local pub
She lent them to Mabel, who had a red hot date
But they didn't sit very well with Mabel's bottom plate
Betty flashed her new teeth at the social club
She'd already shown them off in the local pub
She lent them to Mabel, who had a red hot date
But they didn't sit very well with Mabel's bottom plate
She could hardly speak because they were too big and they rubbed.
****************
Wilfrid bought a toupee, it was coarse and really cheap
Wilfrid bought a toupee, it was coarse and really cheap
It was most uncomfortable and his head would overheat
Wilfrid bought a toupee, it was coarse and really cheap
It was most uncomfortable and his head would overheat
He went out wearing it one really windy day
Wilfrid bought a toupee, it was coarse and really cheap
It was most uncomfortable and his head would overheat
He went out wearing it one really windy day
A strong gust caught him and the syrup blew away
Wilfred bought a toupee, It was coarse and really cheap
It was most uncomfortable and his head would overheat
He went out wearing it one windy day
A strong gust caught him and the syrup blew away
It is now laying on the head of Florrie the sheep
Dickie was excited he was off to sunny Spain
Dickie was excited he was off to sunny Spain
He packed his budgie smugglers, and a mac in case of rain
Dickie was excited he was off to sunny Spain
He packed his budgie smugglers, and a mac in case of rain
He also packed his Brut and a tin of good old Spam
Scrumpy
Dickie was excited he was off to sunny Spain
He packed his budgie smugglers, and a mac in case of rain
He also packed his Brut and a tin of good old Spam
Airport taxi time and Dickie was off to Birmingham
Dickie was excited he was off to sunny Spain
He packed his budgie smugglers, and a mac in case of rain
He also packed his Brut and a tin of good old Spam
Airport taxi time and Dickie was off to Birmingham
Didn't he go to Spain then! Oh! what a bloody shame
A seagull stole Bert's chips as he stood on Morecambe Bay
A seagull stole Bert's chips as he stood on Morecambe Bay
With bag firmly gripped in beak the buggar flew away
A seagull stole Bert's chips as he stood on Morecambe Bay
With bag firmly gripped in beak the buggar flew away
Bert stood paralysed, hand hovering in mid air
A seagull stole Bert's chips as he stood on Morecambe Bay
With bag firmly gripped in beak the buggar flew away
Bert stood paralysed, hand hovering in mid air
Then a good Samaritan offered up her chair
A seagull stole Bert's chips as he stood on Morecambe Bay
With bag firmly gripped in beak the buggar flew away
Bert stood paralysed , hand hovering in mid air
Then a good Samaritan offered up her chair
Where Bert and the lady snuggled down for the day
Alahu akhbar shouted Abdul as he took his council seat
Allahu akbar shouted Abdul as he took his council seat
He knew he was guaranteed that Virgins he would meet
Allahu akbar shouted Abdul as he took his council seat
He knew he was guaranteed that Virgins he would meet
The canteen sold halal pasties as a special treat
Allahu akbar shouted Abdul as he took his council seat
He knew he was guaranteed that Virgins he would meet
The canteen sold halal pasties as a special treat
And they all prayed towards Mecca 50 times a week
Mabel dyed her hair, the brightest, brightest red
She had her eyes firmly fixed on Ted
Her toenails were painted a dazzling blue
And they were on show through her peek toe shoes
There was a sad sister from Bude
There was a sad sister from Bude
Who started a family feud
There was a sad sister from Bude
Who started a family feud
Reverend Mother was stern
There was a sad sister from Bude
Who started a family feud
Reverend Mother was stern
And Father John took his turn
There was a sad sister from Bude
Who started a family feud
Reverend Mother was stern
And Father John took his turn
He was crude, as he stood in the nude 😱
*************
A miserable grocer called Lee
A miserable grocer called Lee
Was unhappy with BOGOF
A miserable grocer called Lee
Was unhappy with BOGOF
He thought he'd a smart trick
But his customers were too quick
To fall for 'Buy two for the price of three!'
GrannyMac is on form today
GrannyMac is on form today
At writing limericks she likes to play
GrannyMac is on form today
At writing limericks she like to play
She doesn't always get it right
and has been known to sit up all night
Trying to work out what she will say
Thank you Scrumpy, I try my best
To add some verses with a bit of zest
I'm not good at starting threads
So I do my bit with limericks instead
I wish more would, lets have a fest!
*************
Pete spent his evenings in the snooker hall
Pete spent his evenings in the snooker hall
But he never got to pocket a ball
Pete spent his evenings in the snooker hall
But he never got to pocket a ball
He put out new chalk, and kept the score
Pete spent his evenings in the snooker hall
But he never got to pocket a ball
He put out new chalk, and kept the score
And picked up dropped balls that fell on the floor
Pete spent his evenings in the snooker hall
But he never got to pocket a ball
He put out new chalk, and kept the score
And picked up dropped balls that fell on the floor
over the years, Pete had stopped many a brawl
Mary's market stall was always busy
Mary's market stall was always busy
She sold humming toys and pills for the dizzy
Mary's market stall was always busy
She sold humming toys and pills for the dizzy
Her discounted bargains racked up sales
Mary's market stall was always busy
She sold humming toys and pills for the dizzy
Her discounted bargains racked up sales
From bottles of bleach to boxes of nails
Mary's market stall was always busy
She sold humming toys and pills for the dizzy
Her discounted bargains racked up sails
From bottles of bleach to boxes of nails
and a yellowish drink that was always fizzy
May 14, 2024, 11:13:17 AM
Pete got drunk and asked Doris to be his wife
Pete got drunk and asked Doris to be his wife
She turned him down calling him a low-life
Pete got drunk and asked Doris to be his wife
She turned him down calling him a low-life
Her sights were set on a guy with money
Pete got drunk and asked Doris to be his wife
She turned him down calling him a low-life
Her sights were set on a guy with money
She thought him a real honey 🍯
Pete got drunk and asked Doris to be his wife
She turned him down calling him a low-life
Her sights were set on a guy with money
She thought him a real honey 🍯
But he viewed Doris as trouble and strife
*************
The rich guy went by the name of Joe
The rich guy went by the name of Joe
How he made his money no-one would know
The rich guy went by the name of Joe
How he made his money no-one would know
He didn't want Doris, he made it plain
He was infatuated by a glamour model, Jane
The rich guy went by the name of Joe
How he made his money no-one would know
He didn't want Doris , he made it plain
He was infatuated by a glamour model, Jane
So.. for Doris.. with Joe.. it was a 'No go'
Nora's sultana dumplings were famous in the town
Nora's sultana dumplings were famous in the town
She sold them at six for half a crown
Nora's sultana dumplings were famous in the town
She sold them at six for half a crown
They were plump round and tasty
Nora's sultana dumplings were famous in the town
She sold them at six for half a crown
They were plump round and tasty
She also sold homemade minced beef pasties
Nora's sultana dumplings were famous in the town
She sold them at six for half a crown
They were plump round and tasty
She also sold homemade pasties
Better than Greggs, who had to shut down
Aggie cruised the car park looking for a space
Aggie cruised the car park looking for a space
Getting to one was going to be a race
Aggie cruised the car park looking for a space
Getting to one was going to be a race
She spotted a gap
Aggie cruised the car park looking for a space
Getting to one was going to be a race
She spotted a gap
But got in a flap
Aggie cruised the car park looking for a space
Getting to one was going to be a race
She spotted a gap
But got in a flap
Not even making second place
Aggie muttered and swore
Aggie muttered and swore
Scratched a 4x4
Aggie muttered and swore
Scratched a 4x4
She put a note upon its screen
Aggie muttered and swore
Scratched a 4x4
She put a note upon its screen
Saying 'Prove it..I wasn't seen'
Aggie muttered and swore
Scratched a 4x4
She put a note upon its screen
Saying 'Prove it..I wasn't seen'
Then scarpered before they called the law!!
Val joined a dating site, she was looking for a man
Val joined a dating site, she was looking for a man
Better still, she thought to herself, a man with a van!
Val joined a dating site, she was looking for a man
Better still, she thought to herself, a man with a van
They could pack up together travel far and wide
A nice clear windscreen and her love by her side
Val joined a dating site, she was looking for a man
Better still, she thought to herself, a man with a van
They could pack up together travel far and wide
A nice clear windscreen and her love by her side
Sadly his wife arrived and the shit then hit the fan
Chastened by this sad affair Val became a nun
Unaware til later her oven held a bun
Chastened by this sad affair Val became a nun
Unaware til later her oven held a bun
She told Mother Superior it was a gift from up above
Chastened by this sad affair Val became a nun
Unaware til later her oven held a bun
She told Mother Superior it was a gift from up above
For Jesus son of God was her one true love
Chastened by this sad affair Val became a nun
Unaware til later her oven held a bun
She told Mother Superior it was a gift from up above
For Jesus son of God was her one true love
The nuns all cheered and Hallelujah they all sung
Freddie lost his dentures down a gap on Brighton Pier
Freddie lost his dentures down a gap on Brighton Pier
They were Granny's once he recalled and so he shed a tear
Freddie lost his dentures down a gap on Brighton Pier
They were Granny's once he recalled and so he shed a tear
They landed on Sally's head as she was passing by
Freddie lost his dentures down a gap on Brighton Pier
They were Granny's once he recalled and so he shed a tear
They landed on Sally's head as she was passing by
And took a bite out of her ear which made poor Sally cry
Freddie lost his dentures down a gap on Brighton Pier
They were Granny's once he recalled and so he shed a tear
They landed on Sally's head as she was passing by
And took a bite out of her ear which made poor Sally cry
She thought she'd met a cannibal and ran away in fear 😰
******************
Mr Wilson liked to brag about his new electric car
Mr Wilson liked to brag about his new electric car
Only costs £5 a charge he says but never says how far
Mr Wilson liked to brag about his new electric car
Only costs £5 a charge he says but never says how far
He only drives it round the block
And occasionally to the shops
Mr Wilson liked to brag about his new electric car
Only costs £5 a charge he says but never says how far
He only drives it round the block
And occasionally to the shops
He's something of a celeb in his local Spar.
Brendan the bobby is missing from his beat
Brendan the bobby is missing from his beat
All the local villains now loiter on the street
Brendan the bobby is missing from his beat
All the local villains now loiter on the street
Brendan has now joined them and is leader of the gang
Brendan the bobby is missing from his beat
All the local villains now loiter on the street
Brendan has now joined them and is leader of the gang
He has a massive truncheon, and heads he likes to bang
Brendan the bobby is missing from his beat
All the local villains now loiter on the street
Brendan has now joined them and is leader of the gang
He has a massive truncheon, and heads he likes to bang
Despite his fearsome looks he's really rather sweet
Bill is really skint so he's thumbing for a ride
Bill is really skint so he's thumbing for a ride
He's hoping to get a lift as far as the Firth of Clyde
Bill is really skint so he's thumbing for a ride
He's hoping to get a lift as far as the Firth of Clyde
He hasn't got very far, just ten miles up the road
Bill is really skint so he's thumbing for a ride
He's hoping to get a lift as far as the Firth of Clyde
He hasn't got very far, just ten miles up the road
Wouldn't have been all that bad if it hadn't snowed
Bill is really skint so he's thumbing for a ride
He's hoping to get a lift as far as Firth of Clyde
He hasn't got very far, just ten miles up the road
Wouldn't have been all that bad if it hadn't snowed
Back home, mum smacked his legs, told him to stay inside
The vicar is holding a jumble sale
The vicar is holding a jumble sale
The organist has erected a 5 bob rail
The vicar is holding a jumble sale
The organist has erected a 5 bob rail
The congregation have rallied round
There's lots of tat for less than a pound
The vicar is holding a jumble sale
The organist has erected a 5 bob rail
The congregation have rallied round
There's lots of tat for less than a pound
See church noticeboard for more details
Farmer Frank is looking for a wife
Farmer Frank is looking for a wife
She must be well rounded and full of life
Farmer Frank is looking for a wife
She must be well rounded and full of life
Must know how to milk a cow
Farmer Frank is looking for a wife
She must be well rounded and full of life
Must know how to milk a cow
And at times push a plough
Farmer Frank is looking for a wife
She must be well rounded and full of life
Must know how to milk a cow
And at times push a plough
Plus be adept with a carving knife
Frank got sackfuls of replies
Frank got sackful of replies
The offers came from far and wide
Frank got sackful of replies
The offers came from far and wide
His profile showed a picture of George Clooney
Frank got sackfuls of replies
The offers came from far and wide
His profile showed a picture of George Clooney
When in fact he was more like Wayne Rooney
Frank got sackfuls of replies
The offers came from far and wide
His profile showed a picture of George Clooney
When in fact he was more like Wayne Rooney
What a shock for a prospective bride!
*************
One of the women's profiles caught Frank's eye
One of the women's profiles caught Frank's eye
Goodness was that hemline high
One of the women's profiles caught Frank's eye
Goodness was that hemline high
She'd used a filter on her face
One of the women's profiles caught Frank's eye
Goodness was that hemline high
She'd used a filter on her face
Of her moustache there was no trace
One of the women's profiles caught Frank's eye
Goodness was that hemline high
She'd used a filter on her face
Of her moustache there was no trace
He'd get in quick. Result!! YES!!. High Five !!
Frank met Crystal outside the bingo hall
Frank met Crystal outside the bingo hall
No trouble spotting her at nearly 7 foot tall
Frank met Crystal outside the bingo hall
No trouble spotting her at nearly 7 foot tall
With stiletto heels she towered above
Frank met Crystal outside the bingo hall
No trouble spotting her at nearly 7 foot tall
With stiletto heels she towered above
Frank had to climb up to kiss his love
Frank met Crystal outside the bingo hall
No trouble spotting her at nearly 7 foot tall
With stiletto heels she towered above
Frank had to climb up to kiss his love
Leaning a ladder against the wall
Looking down gave Frank a fright
Looking down gave Frank a fright
He realised he was scared of heights
Looking down gave Frank a fright
He realised he was scared of heights
Feeling dizzy when he looked down
Looking down gave Frank a fright
He realised he was scared of heights
Feeling dizzy when he looked down
He spotted, underneath her gown
An odd looking growth inside her tights!
***********
Was Crystal the one of whom Frank had dreamed?
Was Crystal the one of whom Frank had dreamed?
That time he awoke then screamed and screamed
Was Crystal the one whom Frank had dreamed
That time he awoke then screamed and screamed
The lump in her tights had started to swell
Was Crystal the one whom Frank had dreamed
That time he awoke then screamed and screamed
The lump in her tights had started to swell
Best not mention the terrible smell
Was Crystal the one whom Frank had dreamed
That time he awoke then screamed and screamed
The lump in her tights had started to swell
Best not mention the terrible smell
So Crystal was not what she seemed
Victor was the local vet
who cared for everybody's pet
Victor was the local vet
who cared for everybody's pet
He was tall and dark
Victor was the local vet
who cared for everybody's pet
He was tall and dark
With teeth like a shark
Victor was the local vet
who cared for everybody's pet
He was tall and dark
with teeth like a shark
fishing for tiddlers .. all he could net
The vicar did a runner with the organist named Sue
The vicar did a runner with the organist named Sue
Her poor husband Brian didn't have a clue
The vicar did a runner with the organist named Sue
Her poor husband Brian didn't have a clue
The vicar's wife gave Brian a call
The vicar did a runner with the organist named Sue
Her poor husband Brian didn't have a clue
The vicar's wife gave Brian a call
As it happened, he didn't care at all
The vicar did a runner with the organist named Sue
Her poor husband Brian didn't have a clue
The vicar's wife gave Brian a call
As it happened, he didn't care at all
Brian and the vicars wife were caught necking on a pew
A stranger knocked on Elsie's door
A stranger knocked on Elsie's door
Five minutes later they were on the floor
A stranger knocked on Elsie's door
Five minutes later they were on the floor
Was it lust or did they fall?
A stranger knocked on Elsie's door
Five minutes later they were on the floor
Was it lust or did they fall?
Or a Yoga instructor come to call !
A stranger knocked on Elsie's door
Five minutes later they were on the floor
Was it lust or did they fall?
Or a Yoga instructor come to call !
Or even a Bobby upholding the law. :grin:
Giuseppe was famous for delicious ice cream
Giuseppe was famous for delicious ice cream
An enormous cornet was Sally's dream
Giuseppe was famous for delicious ice cream
An enormous cornet was Sally's dream
With an enormous cherry and a sticky up Flake
Giuseppe was famous for delicious ice cream
An enormous cornet was Sally's dream
With an enormous cherry and a sticky up Flake
When she heard his jingle she just couldn't wait
Giuseppe was famous for delicious ice cream
An enormous cornet was Sally's dream
With an enormous cherry and a sticky up Flake
When she heard his jingle she just couldn't wait
She'd run out with her money her eyes all a'gleam
Oh dear Sally groaned with a sigh
Oh dear Sally groaned with a sigh
Slipping from her hands she gave out a cry
Oh dear Sally groaned with a sigh
Slipping from her hands she gave out a cry
Down on the pavement it fell with a splat
Oh dear Sally groaned with a sigh
Slipping from her hands she gave out a cry
Down on the pavement it fell with a splat
Only to be lapped up by next doors cat
Oh dear Sally groaned with a sigh
Slipping from her hands she gave out a cry
Down on the pavement it fell with a splat
Only to be lapped up by next doors cat
And Giuseppe drove off without a 'goodbye'
Sue dreamed that Robert Redford had asked her out to tea
Sue dreamed that Robert Redford had asked her out to tea
That dream was sadly ended when she woke up for a pee
Sue dreamed that Robert Redford had asked her out for tea
That dream was sadly ended when she woke up for a pee
He didn't return but Clooney came by
Sue dreamed that Robert Redford had asked her out for tea
That dream was sadly ended when she woke up for a pee
He didn't return but Clooney came by
Brought her a coffee and put a hand on her thigh
Sue dreamed that Robert Redford had asked her out for tea
That dream was sadly ended when she woke up for a pee
He didn't return but Clooney came by
Brought her a coffee and put a hand on her thigh
Thirty seconds later Sue was sat on his knee
Katie's launderette business took off with a bang
Katie's launderette business took off with a bang
A very useful service, especially for the single man
Katie's launderette business took off with a bang
A very useful service, especially for the single man
He can strip off and put his togs inside a big machine
Katie's launderette business took off with a bang
A very useful service, especially for the single man
He can strip off and put his togs inside a big machine
While being watched by bored housewives who look so very keen
Katie's launderette business took off with a bang
A very useful service, especially for the single man
He can strip off and put his togs inside a big machine
While being watched by bored housewives who look so very keen
All washed and dried, and fully dressed, why thank you ma'am.
******************
The shop next door sold vapes to the kids from the estate
In many varied flavours, some smelt like Christmas cake
The shop next door sold vapes to the kids from the estate
In many varied flavours , some smelt like Christmas cake
Their faces were all hidden behind a thick grey fog
The shop next door sold vapes to the kids from the estate
In many varied flavours , some smelt like Christmas cake
Their faces were all hidden behind a thick grey fog
They thought they were top dog
They didn't care if their lungs got baked
Vapes, White Lightning, and occasionally some weed
Vapes, White Lightning, and occasionally some weed
The old folks home was banging.The place to be indeed.
Vapes, White Lightning, and occasionally some weed
The old folks home was banging. The place to be indeed.
At 81 Sam was still dancing to Status Quo
Vapes, White Lightning, and occasionally some weed
The old folks home was banging. The place to be indeed
At 81 Sam was still dancing to Status Quo
Then have a threesome with Ethel and her mate Flo :wink:
Vapes, White Lightning, and occasionally some weed
The old folks home was banging. The place to be indeed
At 81 Sam was still dancing to Status Quo
Then have a threesome with Ethel and her mate Flo :wink:
Would he put out his back while doing the deed?
Sam nodded off leaving just Ethel and Flo
Sam nodded off leaving just Ethel and Flo
A few gins later, they were raring to go
Sam nodded off leaving just Ethel and Flo
A few gins later, they were raring to go
Tightened their corsets and out on the pull
Sam nodded off leaving just Ethel and Flo
A few gins later, they were raring to go
Tightened their corsets and out on the pull
They headed off to The Cow And Bull
Sam nodded off leaving just Ethel and Flo
A few gins later, they were raring to go
Tightened their corsets and out on the pull
They headed off to The Cow And Bull
Where Ethel was to meet her beau
Mabel scrubbed the front steps outside the old town hall
Mabel scrubbed the front steps outside the old town hall
The dried up blood and broken teeth remained from last night's brawl
Mabel scrubbed the front steps outside the old town hall
The dried up blood and broken teeth remained from last night's brawl
It had to be cleaned up for the yearly Mayoral show
Mabel scrubbed the front steps outside the old town hall
The dried up blood and broken teeth remained from last night's brawl
It had to be cleaned up for the yearly Mayoral show
Due to start tomorrow, as long as there's no snow
Mabel scrubbed the front steps outside the old town hall
The dried up blood and broken teeth remained from last night's brawl
It had to be cleaned up for the yearly Mayoral show
Due to start tomorrow, as long as there's no snow
The council's broke, potholes abound, but they still host a fancy ball.
***************
Johnny thought he could hold a tune
But as the karaoke crowd realised real soon
Johnny thought he could hold a tune
But as the karaoke crowd realised real soon
He was tone deaf and no Tom Jones
There wasn't a tuneful note in his bones
Johnny thought he could hold a tune
But as the karaoke crowd realised real soon
He was tone deaf and no Tom Jones
There wasn't a tuneful note in his bones
They booed him off and none too soon
Next up on stage was fag ash Lil
Next up on stage was fag ash Lil
She came all the way from Muswell Hill
Next up on stage was fag ash Lil
She came all the way from Muswell Hill
But as she began to sing... 🎶 🎵
Next up on stage was fag ash Lil
She came all the way from Muswell Hill
But as she began to sing... 🎶 🎵
Her bra strap went 'ping'
Next up on stage was fag ash Lil
She came all the way from Muswell Hill
But as she began to sing... 🎶 🎵
Her bra strap went 'ping'
And out of it she began to spill
A drunken bloke voted this a hit
A drunken bloke voted this a hit
He was partial to a bit of tit
A drunken bloke voted this a hit
He was partial to a bit of tit
He asked Lil out on a date
A drunken bloke voted this a hit
He was partial to a hit of tit
He asked Lil out on a date
Lil smiled. He had fallen for the bait
A drunken bloke voted this a hit
He was partial to a hit of tit
He asked Lil out on a date
Lil smiled. He had fallen for the bait
Her transition wasn't at the final bit...
The drunk was shocked, Lil wasn't a she
The drunk was shocked, Lil wasn't a she
It was Ben, who worked in Lidl, on aisle three
The drunk was shocked, Lil wasn't a she
She was seen in the Gents, having a pee
The drunk was shocked, Lil wasn't a she
It was Ben, who worked in Lidl, on aisle three
At night his alter ego dressed all glam
(Apologies Mups, Scrumpy got in first)
The drunk was shocked, Lil wasn't a she
It was Ben, who worked in Lidl, on aisle three
At night his alter ego dressed all glam
He'd travel into town on the local tram
The drunk was shocked, Lil wasn't a she
It was Ben, who worked in Lidl, on aisle three
At night his alter ego dressed all glam
He'd travel into town on the local tram
Then usually pick up an unsuspecting he. 😧
***************
Mabel volunteered her services at a charity shop
Mabel volunteered her services at a charity shop
and spent the morning looking for a fancy new top
Mabel volunteered her services at a charity shop
and spent the morning looking for a fancy new top
Is this one a little tight?
Mabel volunteered he services at a charity shop
and spent the morning looking for a fancy new top
Is this one a little tight?
I don't want to look a sight
Mabel volunteered her services at a charity shop
and spent the morning looking for a fancy new top
Is this one a little tight?
I don't want to look a sight
But it'll do for popping to the Co-op
Brian was the manager of a football team
Brian was the manager of a football team
He thought he had a winning scheme
Brian was the manager of a football team
He thought he had a winning scheme
Training included zumba and a 4am run
Brian was the manager of a football team
He thought he had a winning scheme
Training included zumba and a 4am run
Doughnuts after or perhaps a cream bun
Brian was the manager of a football team
He thought he had a winning scheme
Training included zumba and a 4am run
Doughnuts after or perhaps a cream bun
My lad was centre forward...or was it a dream ?
Marge wore a bikini and paddled in the sea
Marge wore a bikini and paddled in the sea
She waded out further when she had to do a pee
Marge wore a bikini and paddled in the sea
She waded out further when she had to do a pee
A big wave knocked her on her back
Marge wore a bikini and paddled in the sea
She waded out further when she had to do a pee
A big wave knocked her on her back
And she was rescued by a Lifeguard Jack
Marge wore a bikini and paddled in the sea
She waded out further when she had to do a pee
A big wave knocked her on her back
And she was rescued by a Lifeguard Jack
The kiss of life there on the quay
Marge and Jack were dating soon
Marge and Jack were dating soon
Jack's kisses just made Marge swoon
Marge and Jack were dating soon
Jack's kisses just made Marge swoon
She sat on the beach while he watched the sea
Marge and Jack were dating soon
Jack's kisses just made Marge swoon
She sat on the beach while he watched the sea
Then into the beach hut for some jigglygee
Marge and Jack were dating soon
Jack's kisses just made Marge swoon
She sat on the beach while he watched the sea
Then into the beach hut for some jigglygee
Silhouettes swaying by the light of the moon
The beach it was in Geordie land
The beach it was in Geordie land
Perhaps why neither were ever tanned
The beach it was in Geordie land
Perhaps why neither were ever tanned
Being browned off they headed for Spain
The beach it was in Geordie land
Perhaps why neither were ever tanned
Being browned off they headed for Spain
As they left the airport it started to rain
The beach it was in Geordie land
Perhaps why neither were ever tanned
Being browned off they headed for Spain
As they left the airport it started to rain
But Marge was happy as Jack took her hand
Bette worked as a cleaner for a wealthy man
Bette worked as a cleaner for a wealthy man
How to get some of that required a cunning plan
Bette worked as a cleaner for a wealthy man
How to get some of that required a cunning plan
But Betty didn't know the wealthy man was mean
Bette worked as a cleaner for a wealthy man
How to get some of that would require a cunning plan
But Bette didn't know the wealthy man was mean
And he had it hidden away.She couldn't find a bean
Bette worked as a cleaner for a wealthy man
How to get some of that would require a cunning plan
But Bette didn't know the wealthy man was mean
And he had it hidden away.She couldn't find a bean
Until she found keys to his safe behind the toilet pan.
Bette worked as a cleaner for a wealthy man
How to get some of that required a cunning plan
But Bette didn't know the wealthy man was mean
And he had it hidden away. She couldn't find a bean
Until she found the keys to the safe behind the toilet pan
She needed the help of her lover .. Plumber Dan
Dan had the biggest spanner that Bette had ever seen
Dan had the biggest spanner that Bette had ever seen
He polished it daily to keep it clean
Dan had the biggest spanner that Bette had ever seen
He polished it daily to keep it clean
But it often got mucky and covered in oil
Dan had the biggest spanner that Bette had ever seen
He polished it daily to keep it clean
But it often got mucky and covered in oil
If used outside it might even be soil
Dan had the biggest spanner that Bette had ever seen
He polished it daily to keep it clean
But it often got mucky and covered in oil
If used outside it might even be soil
Clever Dan had a special way to make it gleam
Hyacinth had voted Tory all her life
Hyacinth voted Tory all of her life
Them next door were Labour. Him and his wife
Hyacinth voted Tory all of her life
Them next door were Labour. Him and his wife
They had 'Vote Labour' printed on a flag
Hyacinth voted Tory all of her life
Them next door we're Labour. Him and his wife
They had 'Vote Labour' printed on a flag
They couldn't wait for July. They were so very glad
Hyacinth voted Tory all of her life
Them next door we're Labour. Him and his wife
They had 'Vote Labour' printed on a flag
They couldn't wait for July. They were so very glad
That keircwould win, it caused much neighbourly strife.
***************
Hyacinth thought herself posh and the neighbours rough
Hyacinth thought herself posh and the neighbours rough
Especially Chantelle sunbathing in the buff
Hyacinth thought herself posh and the neighbours rough
Especially Chantelle sunbathing in the buff
And Kevin liked to bare his chest
Hyacinth thought herself posh and the neighbours rough
Especially Chantelle sunbathing in the buff
And Kevin liked to bare his chest
Plus the six pack with which he was blessed
Hyacinth thought herself posh and the neighbours rough
Especially Chantelle sunbathing in the buff
And Kevin liked to bare his chest
Plus the six pack with which he was blessed
When she saw them, she'd huff and puff.
****************
Geordie loved the annual coach trip to the sea
Geordie loved the annual coach trip to the sea
Especially the fish and chips for tea
Geordie loved the annual coach trip to the sea
Especially the fish and chips for tea
The seagulls joined him in his meal
Geordie loved the annual coach trip to the sea
Especially the fish and chips for tea
The seagulls joined him in his meal
Grabbing anything they could steal
Geordie loved the annual coach trip to the sea
Especially the fish and chips for tea
The seagulls joined him in his meal
Grabbing anything they could steal
Then home again... dying for a pee
The baby slipped from the vicar's hold
The baby slipped from the vicar's hold
He needs to retire, he's getting too old
The baby slipped from the vicar's hold
He needs to retire , he's getting too old
Last week he married the best man to the groom
The baby slipped from the vicar's hold
He needs to retire , he's getting too old
Last week he married the best man to the groom
The waiting bride was over the moon
The baby slipped from the vicar's hold
He needs to retire , he's getting too old
Last week he married the best man to the groom
The waiting bride was over the moon
She'd changed her mind if truth be told.
There was an old man from Capri
Who sold beach balls down on the quay
There was an old man from Capri
Who sold beach balls down on the quay
There were many colours.. red, blue and green
There was an old man from Capri
Who sold beach balls down on the quay
There were many colours.. red, blue and green
Plus some others that rarely get seen
There was an old man from Capri
Who sold beach balls down on the quay
There were many colours..red, blue and green
Plus some others that rarely get seen
With some balls you get a bat.. FREE
Gianni told Beryl he loved no other
Gianni told Beryl he loved no other
Poor Gianni, Beryl fancied his brother
Gianni told Beryl he loved no other
Poor Gianni, Beryl fancied his brother
But his brother was strange
Gianni told Beryl he loved no other
Poor Gianni, Beryl fancied his brother
But his brother was strange
And unlikely to change
Gianni told Beryl he loved no other
Poor Gianni, Beryl fancied his brother
But his brother was strange
And unlikely to change
And took a fancy to Beryl's mother
Gianni told Beryl he loved no other
Poor Gianni, Beryl fancied his brother
But his brother was strange
And unlikely to change
And took a fancy to Beryl's mother
Luigi told Beryl her mum was his desire
Luigi told Beryl her mum was his desire
She made him melt, and his heart was on fire
Luigi told Beryl her mum was his desire
She made him melt, and his heart was on fire
Those wonderful wrinkles and blue rinse hair
Luigi told Beryl her mum was his desire
She made him melt, and his heart was on fire
Those wonderful wrinkles and blue rinse hair
For a 42 year old her look was quite rare !
Luigi told Beryl her mum was his desire
She made him melt, and his heart was on fire
Those wonderful wrinkles and blue rinse hair
For a 42 year old her look was quite rare !
As she tottered down the aisle in her wedding attire
Susan arranged the flowers in St. Digby's Church
Susan arranged the flowers in St. Digby's Church
Where years before she was jilted, left there in the lurch
Susan arranged the flowers in St. Digby's Church
Where years before she was jilted, left there in the lurch
She shed a tear over her Hollyhocks
Susan arranged the flowers in St. Digby's Church
Where years before she was jilted, left there in the lurch
She shed a tear over her Hollyhocks
She still wore her wedding frock
Susan arranged the flowers in St. Digby's Church
Where years before she was jilted, left there in the lurch
She shed a tear over her Hollyhocks
She still wore her wedding frock
And for Mister Right she continued to search
Fat Kev was a regular in the Jockeys Nostril pub
Fat Kev was a regular in the Jockeys Nostril pub
Mucky Maureen was one of his many true loves
Fat Kev was a regular in the Jockeys Nostril pub
Mucky Maureen was one of his many true loves
Together they made hay!
Fat Kev was a regular in the Jockeys Nostril pub
Mucky Maureen was one of his many true loves
Together they made hay!
Down in the cellar they would play
And only came upstairs for some grub
The Jockey's grub was pretty greasy
It made Fat Kev feel slightly queasy
The Jockey's grub was pretty greasy
It made Fat Kev feel slightly queasy
Hotpot turned his face bright green
The Jockey's grub was pretty greasy
It made Fat Kev feel slightly queasy
Hotpot turned his face bright green
A million miles from haute cuisine
The Jockey's grub was pretty greasy
It made Fat Kev feel slightly queasy
Hotpot turned his face bright green
A million miles from haute cuisine
But Mucky Maureen loved greasy cheesy
Sally was on the crochet stall at the village fete
Sally was on the crochet stall at the village fete
Who's that posh looking bird? Is it Princess Kate?
Sally was on the crochet stall at the village fete
Who's that posh looking bird? Is it Princess Kate?
Sally curtsied low, but what bad luck
Once she was down , she couldn't get up
Sally was on the crochet stall at the village fete
Who's that posh looking bird? Is it Princess Kate?
Sally curtsied low, but what bad luck
Once she was down , she couldn't get up
One of the perils of too much weight
Sally resolved to lose four stone
Sally resolved to lose four stone
Her skinny jeans she had outgrown
Sally resolved to lose four stone
Her skinny jeans she had outgrown
She cut down on the carbs
Sally resolved to lose four stone
Her skinny jeans she had outgrown
She cut down on the carbs
And fry-ups cooked in lard
Sally resolved to lose four stone
Her skinny jeans she had outgrown
She cut down on the carbs
And fry-ups cooked in lard
Then started on a diet called The Keto Zone.
Lionel opened a restaurant in the south of France
Lionel opened a restaurant in the South of France
The cuisine was refined, there was a band, and room to dance
Lionel opened a restaurant in the South of France
The cuisine was refined, there was a band, and room to dance
He changed his name to Henri because it sounded twee
Lionel opened a restaurant in the South of France
The cuisine was refined, there was a band, and room to dance
He changed his name to Henri because it sounded twee
'Not very original' his jealous rivals said with glee
Lionel opened a restaurant in the South of France
The cuisine was refined, there was a band, and room to dance
He changed his name to Henri because it sounded twee
Not very original his jealous rivals said with glee
So he called himself Aimee. He thought he'd take a chance
Aimee wore a frock and a bow in his hair
Aimee wore a frock and a bow in his hair
His red high heeled stilettos always earn a glare
Aimee wore a frock and a bow in his hair
His red high heeled stilettos always earn a glare
The clientele was dodgy and the drinks were cheap
Aimee wore a frock and a bow in his hair
His red high heeled stilettos always earn a glare
The clientele was dodgy and the drinks were cheap
And Pierre in the back room was a real slimy creep
Aimee wore a frock and a bow in his hair
His red high heeled stilettos always earn a glare
The clientele was dodgy and the drinks were cheap
And Pierre in the back room was a real slimy creep
Aimee wanted to sack him, but he didn't dare !
The Greeks have taken over our local chippy
The Greeks have taken over our local chippy
Chips on a skewer and a garlic dippy
The Greeks have taken over our local chippy
Chips on a skewer and a garlic dippy
Ouzo beats vinegar and that's for sure
The Greeks have taken over our local chippy
Chips on a skewer and a garlic dippy
Ouzo beats vinegar and that's for sure
And a song from Dimitri as you walk thru the door.
The Greeks have taken over our local chippy
Chips on a skewer and garlic dippy
Ouzo beats vinegar and that's for sure
And a song from Dimitri as you walk thru the door
Something not right.. No crispy fishy
One wild, windy night on Dartmoor
One wild, windy night on Dartmoor
Kathy was shocked with what she saw
One wild, windy night on Dartmoor
Kathy was shocked with what she saw
The Jockey's Nostril locals were out in force
One wild, windy night on Dartmoor
Kathy was shocked with what she saw
The Jockey's Nostril locals were out in force
And Fat Kev and his lady friend of course
One wild, windy night on Dartmoor
Kathy was shocked with what she saw
The Jockey's Nostril locals were out in force
And Fat Kev and his lady friend of course
That'll be Dirty Gerty Phwoooar!
Gerty's skirt whipped high in the gale
Gerty's skirt whipped high in the gale
Everything was on show, but not for sale
Gerty's skirt whipped high in the gale
Everything was on show ,but not for sale
January was the 'best before' date
Those that were interested would have to wait
Gerty's skirt whipped high in the gale
Everything was on show ,but not for sale
January was the 'best before' date
Those that were interested would have to wait
But she said there was nothing for sale.
On a bright summer day at Lands End
On a bright summer day at Lands End
Many fine poems were penned
On a bright summer day at Lands End
Many fine poems were penned
And as the waves roared in
On a bright summer day at Lands End
Many fine poems were penned
And as the waves roared in
Poets minds would just spin
On a bright summer day at Lands End
Many fine poems were penned
And as the waves roared in
Poets minds would just spin
Till thoughts drove 'em round the bend.
It was just after dark one night
It was just after dark one night
Peeping out the window Madge got a fright
It was just after dark one night
Peeping out the window Madge got a fright
Bill tapping her door not wearing a stitch
It was just after dark one night
Peeping out the window Madge got a fright
Bill tapping her door not wearing a stitch
Clothes discarded in a nearby ditch
It was just after dark one night
Peeping out the window Madge got a fright
Bill tapping her door not wearing a stitch
Clothes discarded in a nearby ditch
His face all battered like he'd had a fight
Madge took pity and let Bill in
Madge took pity and let Bill in
Tho' she knew the Vicar would say it's a sin
Madge took pity and let Bill in
Tho' she knew the Vicar would say it's a sin
She would put a pound in the collection on Sunday
Madge took pity and let Bill in
Tho' she knew the Vicar would say it's a sin
She would put a pound in the collection on Sunday
And as it had been really good fun she may even offer to pray
Madge took pity and let Bill in
Tho' she knew the Vicar would say it's a sin
She would put a pound in the collection on Sunday
And as it had been really good fun she may even offer to pray
But 'twas Bill's love that she wanted to win.
*
While sitting in his deck chair on the Pier
While sitting in his deck chair on the Pier
Dave was busy necking a six pack of beer
While sitting in his deck chair on the Pier
Dave was busy necking a six pack of beer
He began to feel odd
While sitting in his deck chair on the Pier
Dave was busy necking a six pack of beer
He began to feel odd
After eating some Cod
While sitting in his deck chair on the Pier
Dave was busy necking a six pack of beer
He began to feel odd
After eating some Cod
Lucky the toilets were near 🤢
*************
Betty did the crossword in the Daily Mail
Betty did the crossword in the Daily Mail
She got half way through, and then gave a wail...
Betty did the crossword in the Daily Mail
Got stuck on seven down but didn't want to fail
Betty did the crossword in the Daily Mail
She got halfway through and then began to wail
Seven down.. it really was a tricky
Sorry Klondike you were caught dozing..
Betty did the crossword in the Daily Mail
She got halfway through and then began to wail
Seven down.. it really was tricky
"Famous animal by the name of Mickey"
Betty did the crossword in the Daily Mail
She got halfway through and then began to wail
Seven down.. it really was tricky
"Famous animal by the name of Mickey"
It's 'mouse' of course, so she didn't fail.
**************
Jeff was in his garden, sunbathing in the buff
Jeff was in his garden, sunbathing in the buff
After last night's party he was feeling pretty rough
Jeff was in the garden, sunbathing in the buff
After last nights party he was feeling pretty rough
Annie peeked through the hedge , to get a better view
Jeff was in the garden, sunbathing in the buff
After last nights party he was feeling pretty rough
Annie peeked through the hedge , to get a better view
Her foot slipped, her balance went, 'oops' she toppled through
Jeff was in the garden, sunbathing in the buff
After last nights party he was feeling pretty rough
Annie peeked through the hedge , to get a better view
Her foot slipped, her balance went, 'oops' she toppled through
Jeff stormed off, he'd had enough !
Annie went to A & E she was in a lot of pain
Annie went to A & E she was in a lot of pain
Nasty scratches and serious sprain
Annie went to A&E she was in a lot of pain
Nasty scratches and serious sprain
Jeff was there.. He had sunburned his willy
It was covered in calamine. He felt really silly
Annie went to A&E she was in a lot of pain
Nasty scratches and serious sprain
Jeff was there.. He had sunburned his willy
It was covered in calamine. He felt really silly
"Twas all her idea," - he blamed his wife, Jane.
So Jeff was told to stick it in water
So Jeff was told to stick it in water
Instead he stuck it somewhere he never oughta
So Jeff was told to stick it in water
Instead he stuck it somewhere he never oughta
instead of sunbathing Jeff's in jail
So Jeff was told to stick it in water
Instead he stuck it somewhere he never oughta
Instead of sunbathing Jeff's in jail
Annie is thinking of standing bail
So Jeff was told to stick it in water
Instead he stuck it somewhere he never oughta
Instead of sunbathing Jeff's in jail
Annie is thinking of standing bail
She's looking forward to the days getting hotter 🌞
******************
Politics have taken over the press and TV
Politics have taken over the press and TV
A signal to turn off for little old me
Politics have taken over the press and TV
A signal to turn off for little old me
I quite enjoy a shout at the telly
Do I believe them ? not on your nelly !
Politics have taken over the press and TV
A signal to turn off for little old me
I quite enjoy a shout at the telly
Do I believe them ? not on your nelly !
I wish they'd bog off, and let us all be.
*
How time flies the older we get
How time flies the older we get
At full speed so no time for regret
How time flies the older we get
At full speed so no time for regret
We look in the mirror, can't believe what we see
How time flies the older we get
At full speed so no time for regret
We look in the mirror, can't believe what we see
Can that old fart really be me?
How time flies the older we get
At full speed so no time for regret
We look in the mirror, can't believe what we see
Can that old fart really be me?
Nah!! It's another.. On that I'll bet
Rosie had a facelift, everything moved up an inch
Rosie had a facelift, everything moved up an inch
To make a real improvement I fear would take a winch
Rosie had a facelift, everything moved up an inch
To make a real improvement I fear would take a winch
But she had a kind heart ❤
Rosie had a facelift, everything moved up an inch
To make a real improvement I fear would take a winch
But she had a kind heart ❤
Always forgave a sneaky fart
Rosie had a facelift, everything moved up an inch
To make a real improvement I fear would take a winch
But she had a kind heart 💓
Always forgave a sneaky fart
And a little white lie at a pinch
Then Rosie went off on a new date
Then Rosie went off on a new date
Alfie took her to the church fete
Then Rosie went off on a new date
Alfie took her to the church fete
They guessed the weight of a melon
Then Rosie went off on a new date
Alfie took her to the church fete
They guessed the weight of a melon
Then bought cakes Annie was sellin'
Then Rosie went off on a new date
Alfie took her to the church fete
They guessed the weight of a melon
Then bought cakes Annie was sellin'
And won the raffle. Some beer in a crate
Then Rosie went off on a new date
Alfie took her to the church fete
They guessed the weight of a melon
Then bought cakes Annie was sellin'
And won the raffle. Some beer in a crate
Jenny was painting her loo
Jenny was painting her loo
A bright pink.. and the seat sparkly blue
Jenny was painting her loo
A bright pink.. and the seat sparkly blue
The toilet holder was a crocheted green frog
Jenny was painting her loo
A bright pink.. and the seat sparkly blue
The toilet holder was a crocheted green frog
Sat nicely on top of the bog
Jenny was painting her loo
A bright pink.. and the seat sparkly blue
The toilet holder was a crocheted green frog
Sat nicely on top of the bog
The door was missing which gave all a view
Doris took the bus into town
Doris took the bus into town
She was dressed to the nines in an evening gown
Doris took the bus into town
She was dressed to the nines in an evening gown
Arthur was waiting outside the Bingo hall
Doris took the bus into town
She was dressed to the nines in an evening gown
Arthur was waiting outside the Bingo hall
They swept in together to the policeman's ball
Doris took the bus to town
She was dressed to the nines in an evening gown
Arthur was waiting outside the bingo hall
they swept in together to the policeman's ball
Hoping to win the 'best waltz' crown
Well that last limeric was rather clean
Well that last limerick was rather clean
Some have been teetering on obscene
Well that last limerick was rather clean
Some have been teetering on obscene
Only a mention of shiny balls
For bingo, not rude at all
Well that last limerick was rather clean
Some have been teetering on obscene
Only a mention of shiny balls
For bingo, not rude at all
But later the vicar had to intervene
Tatiana arrived on a flight from Peru
Tatiana arrived on a flight from Peru
She may have looked good but was one hell of a shrew
Tatiana arrived on a flight from Peru
She may have looked good but was one hell of shrew
She came to find Paddington who was a bear
Tatiana arrived on a flight from Peru
She may have looked good but was one hell of shrew
She came to find Paddington who was a bear
She went to the station, but he wasn't there
Tatiana arrived on a flight from Peru
She may have looked good but was one hell of shrew
She came to find Paddington who was a bear
She went to the station, but he wasn't there
Just where he had gone nobody knew
Hunt for bear the headlines read
Hunt for bear the headlines read
Wearing a bright red hat on his head
Hunt for a bear the headlines read
Wearing a bright red hat on his head
A case with a marmalade sandwich inside
Hunt for bear the headlines read
Wearing a bright red hat on his head
A case with a marmalade sandwich inside
And an old duffle coat carefully blue dyed.
Hunt for the bear the headlines said
Wearing a bright red hat on his head
A case with a marmalade sandwich inside
And an old duffle coat carefully blue dyed.
And tea with the Queen and marmalade bread
Fred thought he was Elvis in the karaoke bar
Fred thought he was Elvis in the karaoke bar
Some said but most just wished that he would go far
Fred thought he was Elvis in the karaoke bar
Some said but most just wished that he would go far
His Jailhouse Rock was said to be dire
Fred thought he was Elvis in the karaoke bar
Some said but most just wished that he would go far
His Jailhouse Rock was said to be dire
His song of the ghetto failed to inspire
Fred thought he was Elvis in the karaoke bar
Some said but most just wished that he would go far
His Jailhouse Rock was said to be dire
His song of the ghetto failed to inspire
And his Heartbreak Hotel didn't rate a single star
******************
Annie on the other hand, could belt out a good tune
Annie on the other hand, could belt out a good tune
She'd start early morning, and go on till Noon
Annie on the other hand, could belt out a good tune
She'd start early morning, and go on till Noon
Annie saw herself as another Doris Day
Annie on the other hand, could belt out a good tune
She'd start early morning, and go on till Noon
Annie saw herself as another Doris Day
The audience would clap and shout wey hey!!
Annie on the other hand, could belt out a good tune
She'd start early morning, and go on till Noon
Annie saw herself as another Doris Day
The audience would clap and shout wey hey!!
And they booked her again for June.
As Bert pushed his trolley round Lidl
As Bert pushed his trolley round Lidl
He was amazed by the aisle in the middle
As Bert pushed his trolley round Lidl
He was amazed by the aisle in the middle
A drill, small canoe,
Ski pants and kids' shoes
As Bert pushed his trolley round Lidl
He was amazed by the aisle in the middle
A drill, small canoe,
Ski pants and kids' shoes
A set of drums and a plastic fiddle
The crowd all sang Sweet Caroline
The crowd all sang sweet Caroline
Neil Diamond, an old heart throb of mine
The crowd all sang Sweet Caroline
Neil Diamond, an old heart throb of mine
Then they sang an Abba song
The crowd all sang Sweet Caroline
Neil Diamond, an old heart throb of mine
Then they sang an Abba song
Bert got the words all wrong
The crowd all sang Sweet Caroline
Neil Diamond, an old heart throb of mine
Then they sang an Abba song
Bert got the words all wrong
They didn't even rhyme
The girls still all loved his shaking hips
The girls all loved his shaking hips
And fainted at his 'come kiss me' lips
The girls all loved his shaking hips
And fainted at his 'come kiss me' lips
Some threw their knickers at his feet
The girls all loved his shaking hips
And fainted at his 'come kiss me' lips
Some threw their knickers at his feet
Doris waved hers in time to the beat
The girls all loved his shaking hips
And fainted at his 'come kiss me' lips
Some threw their knickers at his feet
Doris waved hers in time to the beat
He gave them all his number on old betting slips.
*****************
The karaoke over, a lock in was agreed
The karaoke over, a lock in was agreed
Some sniffed at glue and others smoked weed
The karaoke over, a lock in was agreed
Some sniffed at glue and others smoked weed
The landlord threw a hairy fit
The karaoke over, a lock in was agreed
Some sniffed at glue and others smoked weed
The landlord threw a hairy fit
He said 'I've had enough, I quit!'
The karaoke over, a lock in was agreed
Some sniffed glue and others smoked weed
The landlord threw a hairy fit
He said 'I've had enough, I quit!'
The lights went out, but revellers paid no heed.
In the darkness Aunty Vera fell down
In the darkness Aunty Vera fell down
She'd had a few and was a right old clown
In the darkness Aunty Vera fell down
She'd had a few and was a right old clown
She cursed and she swore
In the darkness Aunty Vera fell down
She'd had a few and was a right old clown
She cursed and she swore
As she rolled on the floor
In the darkness Aunty Vera fell down
She'd had a few and was a right old clown
She cursed and she swore
As she rolled on the floor
In slippers and an ancient nightgown.
&&&&&&&&&&&
George went out to vote, put his cross at Reform
George went out to vote, put his cross at Reform
More votes than the Tories? What a storm.
George went out to vote, put his cross at Reform
More votes than the Tories ? What a storm
But Starmer was headed towards number 10
George went out to vote, put his cross at Reform
More votes than the Tories ? What a storm
But Starmer was headed towards number 10
We must be careful where we mark with our pen
George went out to vote, put his cross at Reform
More votes than the Tories ? What a storm
But Starmer was headed towards number 10
We must be careful where we mark with our pen
There's probably a better use for the form
Must watch the telly late tomorrow
If only to smile at the losers sorrow
Must watch the telly late tomorrow
If only to smile at the losers' sorrow
The Tories downfall is predicted
From No 10 Sunak's evicted
Must watch the telly late tomorrow
If only to smile at the losers' sorrow
The Tories downfall is predicted
From No 10 Sunak's evicted
Then many promises, all of them hollow
July 03, 2024, 11:16:57 AM
The gold wallpaper will be gone
The gold wallpaper will be gone
Best to leave it incase we get Khan
The gold wallpaper will be gone
Best to leave it incase we get Khan
London's mayor name of Sadiq
I think it rhymes with the word 'prick'
The gold wallpaper will be gone
Best to leave it incase we get Khan
London's mayor name of Sadiq
I think it rhymes with the word 'prick'
The whole thing is one big yawn
I've hid all my cash under the bed
I've hid all my cash under the bed
As I've lost the key to the shed
I've hid all my cash under the bed
As I've lost the key to the shed
My gold in hidden in my knicker drawer
I've hid all my cash under the bed
As I've lost the key to the shed
My gold is hidden in my knicker drawer
What wouldn't fit is safe under the floor
I've hid all my cash under the bed
As I've lost the keys to the shed
My gold is hidden in my knicker drawer
What wouldn't fit is safe under the floor
A burglar can have my body instead
We pensioners are pretty lucky
No need to work, or get our hands mucky
We pensioners are pretty lucky
No need to work, or get our hands mucky
Trouble is it's a full time role
We can't get out on parole
We pensioners are pretty lucky
No need to work, or get our hands mucky
Trouble is it's a full time role
We can't get out on parole
To survive old age we must be plucky.
XxxxxxxxxxxxX
Peter had an enormous nose
Peter had an enormous nose
You could even swear it glows
Peter had an enormous nose
You could even swear it glows
Too much booze had taken it's toll
Peter had an enormous nose
You could even swear it glows
Too much booze had taken it's toll
Far too long as a merry old sole
Peter had an enormous nose
You could even swear it glows
Too much booze had taken it's toll
Far too long as a merry old soul
It points the way wherever he goes
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Reform have won five seats, hooray
Reform have won five seats, hooray
Nigel for PM ? ..... maybe one day
Reform have won five seats, hooray
Nigel for PM?..... maybe one day
He's made his move at the right time
Reform have won five seats, hooray
Nigel for PM?..... maybe one day
He's made his move at the right time
As 'our Nige' is still in his prime
Reform have won five seats, hooray
Nigel for PM?... maybe one day
He's made his move at the right time
As ' our Nige ' is still in his prime
Perhaps Reform is here to stay
Will Britain be better now Keir's running the show
Will Britain be better now Keir's running the show
Give him 12 months, then we'll know.
Will Britain be better now Keir's running the show
Give him 12 months, then we'll know.
Just three months and we'll have a clue
Will Britain be better now Keir's running the show
Give him 12 months, then we'll know.
Just three months and we'll have a clue
Or come next Friday the voters might rue :grin:
As Mavis was getting ready for bed
As Mavis was getting ready for bed
She just remembered she'd invited Fred
As Mavis was getting ready for bed
She just remembered she'd invited Fred
She'd even slipped him a little blue pill
Maybe that had made him feel ill?
As Mavis was getting ready for bed
She just remembered she'd invited Fred
She'd even slipped him a little blue pill
Maybe that had made him feel ill?
So, Mavis cuddled her Teddy instead
There was a long queue in the Co-op today
There was a long queue in the Co-op one day
Tracy on go slow as she wanted more pay
There was a long queue in the Co-op one day
Tracy on go slow as she wanted more pay
The customers were getting cross
There was a long queue in the Co-op one day
Tracy on go slow as she wanted more pay
The customers were getting cross
And demanded to see the boss
Who happened to be Tracy. The boss was away
I've a headache that won't go away
I've a headache that won't go away
And only two quid is left of my pay
I've a headache that won't go away
And only two quid is left of my pay
My shoe has a hole and lets in the rain
I've a headache that won't go away
And only two quid is left of my pay
My shoe has a hole and lets in the rain
I can't afford petrol, I'm walking again
I've a headache that won't go away
And only two quid is left of my pay
My shoe has a hole and lets in the rain
I can't afford petrol, I'm walking again
But don't worry about me, I'll be OK.
Our new Irish vicar arrived last week
Our new Irish vicar arrived last week
When he speaks my legs go weak
Our new Irish vicar arrived last week
When he speaks my legs go weak
His smile makes me melt
Our new Irish vicar arrived last week
When he speaks my legs go weak
His smile makes me melt
What a hand we've been dealt!
Our new Irish vicar arrived last week
When he speaks my legs go weak
His smile makes me melt
What a hand we've been dealt!
Wait till you see his physique !
Sir Keir is strutting his stuff over the pond
Sir Keir is strutting his stuff over the pond
Smiling and waving his magic wand
Sir Keir is strutting his stuff over the pond
Smiling and waving his magic wand
Hand in hand with Lady Starmer
He really thinks he's quite a charmer
Sir Keir is strutting his stuff over the pond
Smiling and waving his magic wand
Hand in hand with Lady Starmer
He really thinks he's quite a charmer
But personally, I think we'll be conned.
*
That's another week nearly done
That's another week nearly done
Soon be the weekend and time for fun
That's another week nearly done
Soon be the weekend and time for fun
We will take of our clothes and go skinny dipping
Or sit in our armchairs and do some kipping
That's another week nearly done
Soon be the weekend and time for fun
We will take of our clothes and go skinny dipping
Or sit in our armchairs and do some kipping
All depends if we get some sun
There once was a lad from Kildare
There once was a lad from Kildare
He didn't like work, he just lounged in a chair
There once was a lad from Kildare
He didn't like work, just lounged in a chair
His mum served him his favourite drink
Pizzas and curries he didn't have to think
There once was a lad from Kildare
He didn't like work, just lounged in a chair
His mum served him his favourite drink
Pizzas and curries he didn't have to think
Just got bigger and fatter, but he didn't care.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
His mother said 'Paddy, you must get a job'
His mother said 'Paddy, you must get a job'
' Get out there , and earn yourself a couple of bob'
His mother said 'Paddy, you must get a job'
'Get out there , and earn yourself a couple of bob'
He applied to the council and they set him on
His mother said 'Paddy, you must get a job'
'Get out there , and earn yourself a few bob'
He applied to the council and they set him on
Brushing the streets with fella called Ron
His mother said 'Paddy, you must get a job'
'Get out there , and earn yourself a few bob'
He applied to the council and they set him on
Brushing the streets with a fella called Ron
His ma was so proud, happy tears she would sob.
xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxx
There's a pub called the Jockeys, a strange kind of gaff
There's a pub called the Jockeys, a strange kind of gaff
I often pop in, just for a laff
There's a pub called the Jockeys, a strange kind of gaff
I often pop in, just for a laff
I did meet some odd folk when I went in there
There's a pub called the Jockeys, a strange kind of gaff
I often pop in, just for a laff
I did meet some odd folk when I went in there
We all got excited seeing a cuddly bear
There's a pub called the Jockeys, a strange kind of gaff
I often pop in, just for a laff
I did meet some odd folk when I went in there
We all got excited seeing a cuddly bear
A very odd lot including the staff !
Brenda and Gavin won tickets to Rome
Brenda and Gavin won tickets to Rome
They were hoping to visit the catacombs
Brenda and Gavin won tickets to Rome
They were hoping to visit the catacombs
They were so excited as they packed their bags
Brenda and Gavin won tickets to Rome
They were hoping to visit the catacombs
They were so excited as they packed their bags
Making sure to leave space for 800 fags :rolleyes:
Brenda and Gavin won tickets to Rome
They were hoping to visit the catacombs
They were so excited as they packed their bags
Making sure to leave space for 800 fags :rolleyes:
Which they'd be puffing once they got home
When they landed in Rome the weather was great
When they landed in Rome the weather was great
They were offered some watches man said 'They're not fake'
When they landed in Rome the weather was great
They were offered some watches man said 'They're not fake'
They hummed and they haa-ed
When they landed in Rome the weather was great
They were offered some watches man said 'They're not fake'
They hummed and they haa-ed
Insufficiently on guard
They bought not just two but eight
Gavin wore his new Rolex while out in the rain
When they landed in Rome the weather was great
They were offered some watches man said 'They're not fake'
They hummed and they haa-ed
Insufficiently on guard
But eventually went on a date
Sorry Ruthio, Klondike beat you to it !
Gavin wore his new Rolex while out in the rain
He had it secured with a short silver chain
Gavin wore his new Rolex while out in the rain
He had it secured with a short silver chain
The chain was fine but the watch started to rust
Gavin wore his new Rolex while out in the rain
He had it secured with a short silver chain
The chain was fine but the watch started to rust
His expensive investment had all turned to dust
Gavin wore his new Rolex while out in the rain
He had it secured with a short silver chain
The chain was fine but the watch started to rust
But he couldn't replace it 'cos he'd gone bust
Gavin wore his new Rolex while out in the rain
He had it secured with a short silver chain
The chain was fine but the watch started to rust
But he couldn't replace it 'cos he'd gone bust
Gavin sighed, this whole trip had been a bloody pain !
Sorry Ruthio, Klondike beat you to it !
I was half asleep and really blew it! 🤭
Sorry Ruthio, Klondike beat you to it !
I was half asleep and really blew it! 🤭
No worries, its fine,
We too posted at the same time. (Look just above your post on the last limerick)
Sorry Ruthio, Klondike beat you to it!
I was half asleep and really blew it ! :embarrassed:
No worries, it's fine,
We too posted at the same time.
Not once, but twice, someone was a twit
There was a young man from the west
There was a young man from the west
Who decided that what he liked best
There was a young man from the west
Who decided that what he liked best
Was bangers and mash
There was a young man from the west
Who decided that what he liked best
Was bangers and mash
After an all night bash
There was a young man from the west
Who decided that what he liked best
Was bangers and mash
After an all night bash
Then back home to Mum's for a rest
Freddy had one leg longer than the other
Freddy had one leg longer than the other
Oddly enough so did his brother
Freddy had one leg longer than the other
Oddly enough so did his brother
It was Freddie's left leg .His brother's was the right
Freddy had one leg longer than the other
Oddly enough so did his brother
It was Freddie's left leg .His brother's was the right
Together they made a peculiar sight
Freddy had one leg longer than the other
Oddly enough so did his brother
It was Freddie's left leg, his brother's the right
Together they made a peculiar sight
But were still both loved by their mother
Freddy entered a three legged race
Freddy entered a three legged race
And they all took off at a fair old pace
Freddy entered a three legged race
And they all took off at a fair old pace
Well all except Freddie and his bro'
With odd length legs they just couldn't go
Freddy entered a three legged race
And they all took off at a fair old pace
Well all except Freddie and his bro'
With odd length legs they just couldn't go
And ended up flat on their face.
*
When Barney was cooking his tea
When Barney was cooking his tea
He urgently needed a wee
When Barney was cooking his tea
He urgently needed a wee
He clenched his teeth and crossed his legs
Trying not to dribble in his kecks
When Barney was cooking his tea
He urgently needed a wee
He clenched his teeth and crossed his legs
Trying not to dribble in his kegs
Tea ! Wee! Too late..What will be will be..
Joe woke up feeling frisky one day :embarrassed:
Joe woke up feeling frisky one day :embarrassed:
He talked young Beryl into a roll in the hay
Joe woke up feeling frisky one day :embarrassed:
He talked young Beryl into a roll in the hay
They sneaked into the barn
Joe woke up feeling frisky one day :embarrassed:
He talked young Beryl into a roll in the hay
They sneaked into the barn
Where Beryl fell for his charm
Joe woke up feeling frisky one day (https://letschat.club/Smileys/klondike/embarrased.png)
He talked young Beryl into a roll in the hay
They sneaked into the barn
Where Beryl fell for his charm
And they stayed there until the next day.
*
I fancied a day at the coast
I fancied a day at the coast
but first needed tea and some toast
I fancied a day at the coast
but first needed tea and some toast
I caught the ten o clock train
I fancied a day at the coast
but first needed tea and some toast
I caught the ten o clock train
then came back again
I fancied a day at the coast
but first needed tea and some toast
I caught the ten o clock train
then came back again
The trip took 4 hours at the most
Olive kept her money under the bed
Olive kept her money under the bed
but, foolishly, told her uncle Ted
Olive kept her money under the bed
But, foolishly, told her uncle Ted
While she was out Ted crept upstairs
Olive kept her money under the bed
But, foolishly, told her uncle Ted
While she was out Ted crept upstairs
He thought ' Nobody knows - or cares'
Olive kept her money under the bed
But, foolishly, told her uncle Ted
While she was out Ted crept upstairs
He thought ' Nobody knows - or cares'
Poor Olive is now in the red.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ted feels quite flush with the cash
Ted feels quite flush with the cash
He needs a new car, but nowt flash !
Ted feels quite flush with the cash
He needs a new car, but nowt flash !
four wheels and a brake
Ted feels quite flush with the cash
He needs a new car, but nowt flash !
four wheels and a brake
And headights for heavens sake!
Ted feels quite flush with the cash
He needs a new car, but nowt flash !
four wheels and a brake
And headlights for heavens sake!
His last one was smashed in a crash.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A Morris Minor he thought would do
A Morris Minor he thought would do
It didn't have to be brand new
A Morris Minor he thought would do
It didn't have to be brand new
Just leather seats and colour red
A Morris Minor he thought would do
It didn't have to be brand new
Just leather seats and colour red
Or maybe green would do instead
A Morris Minor he thought would do
It didn't have to be brand new
Just leather seats and colour red
Or maybe green would do instead
If the mood took him, he could buy two !!
July 21, 2024, 04:07:46 PM
Joe and Beryl were at it again !
Joe and Beryl were at it again
Holiday here or go to Spain !
Joe and Beryl were at it again
Holiday here or go to Spain !
Anywhere with sun and booze
Perhaps they could go on a cruise?
Joe and Beryl were at it again
Holiday here or go to Spain !
Anywhere with sun and booze
Perhaps they could go on a cruise?
No - Spain, on the plain in the rain!
A donkey ate Beryl's sunhat
A donkey ate Beryl's sunhat
Then dropped remains in a cow pat
A donkey ate Beryl's sunhat
Then dropped remains in a cow pat
the cow gave a loud Moo
A donkey ate Beryl's sunhat
Then dropped remains in a cow pat
the cow gave a loud Moo
As cows often do
And the hat's in the pat, very flat.
Eddie loved the sound of his own voice
Eddie loved the sound of his own voice
and left his poor neighbours no choice
Eddie loved the sound of his own voice
and left his poor neighbours no choice
He sang opera for hours
Eddie loved the sound of his own voice
and left his poor neighbours no choice
He sang opera for hours
Even his cat cowers
Eddie loved the sound of his own voice
and left his poor neighbours no choice
He sang opera for hours
Even his cat cowers
When he moves out all will rejoice
Eddie moved replaced by Jock
When his pipes start up they'll surely knock
Eddie moved replaced by Jock
When his pipes start up they'll surely knock
His DIY is pretty shoddy
Will the police find Eddie's body?
Eddie moved replaced by Jock
When his pipes start up they'll surely knock
His DIY is pretty shoddy
Will the police find Eddie's body?
With his bagpipes hidden under a rock ?
Jock was carted off to jail
Jock was carted off to jail
Straight inside no chance of bail
Jock was carted off to jail
Straight inside no chance of bail
His case comes up next week
Jock was carted off to jail
Straight inside no chance of bail
His case comes up next week
Chances of getting off look bleak
Jock was carted off to jail
Straight inside no chance of bail
His case comes up next week
Chances of getting off look bleak
as the Judge just bought a new flail!
July 23, 2024, 01:20:02 PM
Next door neighbour's Vape just exploded
Next door neighbour's Vape just exploded
Maybe the battery was corroded?
Next door neighbour's Vape just exploded
Maybe the battery was corroded
They have now changed to marijuana smoking
Next door neighbour's Vape just exploded
Maybe the battery was corroded
They have now changed to marijuana smoking
Stinks like hell and leaves me choking
Next door neighbour's Vape just exploded
Maybe the battery was corroded
They have now changed to marijuana smoking
Stinks like hell and leaves me choking
They now drive a Ferrari. They must be loaded
Bill was a Whistle Blower on the Brighton line
Bill was a Whistle Blower on the Brighton line
He'd often blow his whistle and once offered to blow mine
Bill was a Whistle Blower on the Brighton line
He'd often blow his whistle and once offered to blow mine
We had our suspicions he was not a ladies' man
Perhaps it was it was how delicately Bill would hold a fan
Bill was a Whistle Blower on the Brighton line
He'd often blow his whistle and once offered to blow mine
We had our suspicions he was not a ladies man
Perhaps it was how delicately Bill would hold a fan
But he let travellers blow his whistle.. He was so very kind
Tomorrow they have forecast rain
Bill was eventually transferred to Crewe
Bill was eventually transferred to Crewe
He really wanted Birmingham, but there was nothing he could do
Bill was eventually transferred to Crewe
He really wanted Birmingham, but there was nothing he could do
So he packed his worldly goods
Bill was eventually transferred to Crewe
He really wanted Birmingham, but there was nothing he could do
So he packed his worldly goods
A flask of tea, some food
Bill was eventually transferred to Crewe
He really wanted Birmingham, but there was nothing he could do
So he packed his worldly goods
A flask of tea, some food
And loaded his boot with two crates of home brew.
Off Bill set, up the M6
Off Bill set, up the M6
He didn't take the train. The lines were being fixed..
Off Bill set, up the M6
He didn't take the train. The lines were being fixed..
A junction on the cones began
Off Bill set, up the M6
He didn't take the train. The lines were being fixed..
A junction on the cones began
And he was stuck behind a dirty white van
Off Bill set, up the M6
He didn't take the train. The lines were being fixed..
A junction on the cones began
And he was stuck behind a dirty white van
Broken down and was up on bricks. :rolleyes:
The next time Bill thought he'd go by train
The next time Bill thought he'd go by train
Sadly replaced by buses yet again
The next time Bill thought he'd go by train
Sadly replaced by buses yet again
When he got to Crewe he was sad to see
The next time Bill thought he'd go by train
Sadly replaced by buses yet again
When he got to Crewe he was sad to see
The driver had gone home for his tea
The next time Bill thought he'd go by train
Sadly replaced by buses yet again
When he got to Crewe he was sad to see
The driver had gone home for his tea
Useless railways! What a pain
As Bill began his homeward walk
As Bill began his homeward walk
Above him flew a Sparrowhawk
As Bill began his homeward walk
Above him flew a Sparrowhawk
It lifted Bill above the ground
And dropped him at The Hare and Hounds
As Bill began his homeward walk
Above him flew a Sparrowhawk
It lifted Bill above the ground
And dropped him at The Hare and Hounds
Before flying off with a mighty squawk
Far too hot to go out today
Quote from: klondike on July 30, 2024, 12:36:03 PMAs Bill began his homeward walk
Above him flew a Sparrowhawk
It lifted Bill above the ground
And dropped him at The Hare and Hounds
Before flying off with a mighty squawk
a cracker ! :grin:
Far too hot to go out today
I'll stay inside and eat my takeaway
Far too hot to go out today
I'll stay inside and eat my takeaway
A nice hot curry to make me sweat
Far too hot to go out today
I'll stay inside and eat my takeaway
A nice hot curry to make me sweat
With a few chunks spread on a baguette (sorry)
Far too hot to go out today
I'll stay inside and eat my takeaway
A nice hot curry to make me sweat
With a few chunks spread on a baguette
Tomorrow we'll have some Matzah balls.. Oy vay
Far too hot to go out today
I'll stay inside and eat my takeaway
A nice hot curry to make me sweat
With a few chunks spread on a baguette
Tomorrow we'll have some Matzah balls.. Oy vay
The charabanc left this morning at nine
The charabanc left this morning at nine
Ethel was waiting , second in line
The charabanc left this morning at nine
Ethel was waiting , second in line
They were heading off to Blackpool
The charabanc left this morning at nine
Ethel was waiting , second in line
They were heading off to Blackpool
Where 'Kiss me quick' hats were the rule
The charabanc left this morning at nine
Ethel was waiting , second in line
They were heading off to Blackpool
Where 'Kiss me quick' hats were the rule
Which reminds me . . I mustn't forget mine. :smiley:
*
August 01, 2024, 02:00:38 PM
While enjoying a nice cup of tea
While enjoying a nice cup of tea
With my neighbour , who's name is Betty
While enjoying a nice cup of tea
With my neighbour whose name is Betty
We both lit up fags
And took great bit drags
While enjoying a nice cup of tea
With my neighbour who's name is Betty
We both lit up fags
And took great big drags
And we added some whacky baccy
Big storms are heading our way
Big storms are heading our way
After the sun we will certainly pay
Big storms are heading our way
After the sun we will certainly pay
The gutters will leak
Big storms are heading our way
After the sun we will certainly pay
The gutters will leak
Roofer MIGHT come next week
Big storms are heading our way
After the sun we will certainly pay
The gutters will leak
Roofer MIGHT come next week
If he doesn't I'll have something to say :waiting:
At least the rain has washed my car
At least the rain has washed my car
Soon I'll be off to prop up the bar
At least the rain has washed my car
Soon I'll be off to prop up the bar
It leans to the left, where fat Harry stands
At least the rain has washed my car
Soon I'll be off to prop up the bar
It leans to the left, where fat Harry stands
Always unshaven and with grubby hands
At least the rain has washed my car
Soon I'll be off to prop up the bar
It leans to the left, where fat Harry stands
Always unshaven and with grubby hands
Dirty Agnes thinks he's a star
I'm off to the Jockey's - it's Friday night
I'm off to the Jockey's - it's Friday night
Behave yourself, don't get into a fight
I'm off to the Jockey's - it's Friday night
Behave yourself, don't get into a fight
Buy some drinks for Alan D Lord
I'm off to the Jockey's - it's Friday night
Behave yourself, don't get into a fight
Buy some drinks for Alan D Lord
But don't interrupt if he's snogging Maud
I'm off to the Jockey's - it's Friday night
Behave yourself, don't get into a fight
Buy some drinks for Alan D Lord
But don't interrupt if he's snogging Maud
You'll recognise her, she's twice his height.
***************
Maud was a lady wrestler in years gone by
Maud was a lady wrestler in years gone by
She elbowed a groper right in his eye
Maud was a wrestler in days gone by
She elbowed a groper right in his eye
His eye ended up at the back of his head
Maud was a wrestler in days gone by
She elbowed a groper right in his eye
His eye ended up at the back of his head
What she did with his hand is better not said
Maude was a wrestler in days gone by
She elbowed a groper right in his eye
His eye ended up at the back of his head
What she did with his hand is better not said
Let's put it this way, he can't wave 'Hi'
Tonight down the Jockey's they've got . .
Tonight down the Jockey's they've got . .
Vlad's vindaloo and boy is it hot
Tonight down the Jockey's they've got . .
Vlad's vindaloo and boy is it hot
With Bhajees and rice
Tonight down the Jockey's they've got . .
Vlad's vindaloo and boy is it hot
With Bhajis and rice
At a really low price
Tonight down the Jockey's they've got..
Vlad's vindaloo and boy is it hot
With Bhajis and rice
At a really low price
But, by the cringe, it will make you trot
Elsie was a wallflower at the local dance
Ricky headed her way..he was in with a chance
Elsie was a wallflower at the local dance
Ricky headed her way..he was in with a chance
Two left feet but a heart of gold
Elsie was a wallflower at the local dance
Ricky headed her way..he was in with a chance
Two left feet but a heart of gold
Sadly his hands were always rather cold
Elsie was a wallflower at the local dance
Ricky headed her way..he was in with a chance
Two left feet but a heart of gold
Sadly his hands were always rather cold
Poor Rick, Elsie didn't give him a second glance
Vera got a job in the baker's shop
Vera got a job in the baker's shop
Where Ed called in for a bottle of pop
Vera got a job in the baker's shop
Where Ed called in for a bottle of pop
He scoffed some nice pastry
And said it was tasty
Vera got a job in the baker's shop
Where Ed called in for a bottle of pop
He scoffed some nice pastry
And said it was tasty
He really caught her on the hop.
************
Ed then asked Vera asked her to go out on a date
He thought he'd be happy with a girl who could bake
Ed then asked Vera to go out on a date
He thought he'd be happy with a girl who could bake
He stuck a bun in her oven and hoped it would rise
Ed then asked Vera to go out on a date
He thought he'd be happy with a girl who could bake
He stuck a bun in her oven and hoped it would rise
But poor old Ed was in for a surprise,
Ed then asked Vera to go out on a date
He thought he'd be happy with a girl who could bake
He stuck a bun in her oven and hoped it would rise
But poor old Ed was in for a surprise,
There was no bun - it was fake.
*
Poor Ed went and sat down the park
Poor Ed went and sat down the park
He sat there sulking til it got dark
Poor Ed went and sat down the park
He sat there sulking til it got dark
He went into the Jockey's and had some beer
Poor Ed went and sat down the park
He sat there sulking til it got dark
He went into the Jockey's and had some beer
It tasted odd and looked none too clear
Poor Ed went and sat down the park
He sat there sulking til it got dark
He went into the Jockey's and had some beer
It tasted odd and looked none too clear
But he drank six pints, they made their mark.
**************
Ed left the pub, he was quite tipsy
Even so, he was feeling frisky
Ed left the pub, he was quite tipsy
Even so, he was feeling frisky
When he got home he gave Madge a wink
Ed left the pub , he was quite tipsy
Even so, he was feeling frisky
When he got home he gave Madge a wink
But it got no further, because of the drink
Ed left the pub , he was quite tipsy
Even so, he was feeling frisky
When he got home he gave Madge a wink
But it got no further, because of the drink
So he finished off a bottle of whisky
Ed awoke with a throbbing head
Ed woke with a throbbing head
:grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: I can only say 'Poor Ed'
Ed awoke with a throbbing head
(https://letschat.club/Smileys/klondike/grinning-face-with-smiling-eyes_9601.png) (https://letschat.club/Smileys/klondike/grinning-face-with-smiling-eyes_9601.png) (https://letschat.club/Smileys/klondike/grinning-face-with-smiling-eyes_9601.png) (https://letschat.club/Smileys/klondike/grinning-face-with-smiling-eyes_9601.png) I can only say 'Poor Ed'
Hair of the dog now that's the thing
Ed awoke with a throbbing head
:grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: I can only say 'Poor Ed'
Hair of the dog now that's the thing
Something that will happiness bring
Ed awoke with a throbbing head
(https://letschat.club/Smileys/klondike/grinning-face-with-smiling-eyes_9601.png) (https://letschat.club/Smileys/klondike/grinning-face-with-smiling-eyes_9601.png) (https://letschat.club/Smileys/klondike/grinning-face-with-smiling-eyes_9601.png) (https://letschat.club/Smileys/klondike/grinning-face-with-smiling-eyes_9601.png) I can only say 'Poor Ed'
Hair of the dog now that's the thing
Something that will happiness bring
But instead, he went back to bed.
As Ada stepped into her bath
As Ada stepped into her bath
She looked in the mirror and had to laugh
As Ada stepped into her bath
She looked in the mirror and had to laugh
'Cos her drawers she was wearin'
As Ada stepped into her bath
She looked in the mirror and had to laugh
'Cos her drawers she was wearin'
Were so brief and darin' 😮
As Ada stepped into her bath
She looked in the mirror and had to laugh
'Cos her drawers she was wearin'
Were so brief and darin' 😮
They were a pressie from Garth.
There I was, watching telly
There I was, watching telly
Catching crumbs with my belly
There I was, watching telly
Catching crumbs with my belly
Soaking my feet in a bowl of water
There I was, watching telly
Catching crumbs with my belly
Soaking my feet in a bowl of water
Because I felt I oughta
There I was, watching telly
Catching crumbs with my belly
Soaking my feet in a bowl of water
Because I really felt I oughta
To stop them being sweaty and smelly.
*************
Bob went swimming in the local pool
In his red budgie smugglers he thought he looked cool
Bob went swimming in the local pool
In his red budgie smugglers he thought he looked cool
He stood on the diving board , the one at the top
Posed for a bit.. alas, his dive ended in a big belly flop
Bob went swimming in the local pool
In his red budgie smugglers he thought he looked cool
He stood on the diving board , the one at the top
Posed for a bit.. alas, his dive ended in a big belly flop
Poor old Bob felt such a fool.
There's a Bring & Buy Sale next Saturday in the church hall
There's a Bring & Buy Sale next Saturday in th church hall
Beryl is hoping to sell her husband Paul
There's a Bring & Buy Sale next Saturday in the church hall
Beryl is hoping to sell her husband Paul
For 'twas a toy boy she fancied trying
There's a Bring & Buy Sale next Saturday in the church hall
Beryl is hoping to sell her husband Paul
For 'twas a toy boy she fancied trying
'Young and handsome,' she said - sighing
There's a Bring & Buy Sale next Saturday in the church hall
Beryl is hoping to sell her husband Paul
For 'twas a toy boy she fancied trying
'Young and handsome,' she said - sighing
And he must of course be six feet tall !
The best offer for Paul was two and six
The best for Paul was two and six
The payment offered can be on 'Tick'
The best offer for Paul was two and six
The payment offered can be on 'Tick'
Beryl got groped by Dirty Ernie
He'd forgotten his teeth and was doing a gurney
(https://www.magnoliabox.com/cdn/shop/products/2319832_1024x1024.jpg)
The best offer for Paul was two and six
The payment offered can be on 'Tick'
Beryl got groped by Dirty Ernie
He'd forgotten his teeth and was doing a gurney
As he sat there and sucked on a Twix!
*
I made a picnic, and sat down the park
I made a picnic, and sat down the park
Shared my egg butties with Mucky Mark
I made a picnic, and sat down in the park
Shared my egg butties with Mucky Mark
He relished the taste!
I made a picnic, and sat down in the park
Shared my egg butties with Mucky Mark
He relished the taste!
Not one went to waste
I made a picnic, and sat down in the park
Shared my egg butties with Mucky Mark
He relished the taste!
Not one went to waste
But oh my then the sky all went dark
Black clouds came scudding overhead
Black clouds came scudding overhead
So Mucky Mark headed for the Park keeper's shed
Black clouds came scudding overhead
So Mucky Mark headed for the Park keeper's shed
When he got there what a shock
When he saw a big padlock
Black clouds came scudding overhead
So Mucky Mark headed for the Park keeper's shed
When he got there what a shock
When he saw a big padlock
That put paid to a blow up bed !
Poor Lenny thought he would melt
So down in the river he knelt
Poor Lenny thought he would melt
So down in the river he knelt
People gathered to see him baptised
Poor Lenny thought he would melt
So down in the river he knelt
People gathered to see him baptised
He seemed more than a little surprised
Poor Lenny thought he would melt
So down in the river he knelt
People gathered to see him baptised
He seemed more than a little surprised
And highly embarrassed he felt.
Dickie saw a tenner laying in the street
Dickie saw a tenner laying in the street
So he picked it up and pocketed it, didn't miss a beat!
Dickie saw a tenner laying in the street
So he picked it up and pocketed it, didn't miss a beat!
Then he heard a shout
Dickie saw a tenner laying in the street
So he picked it up and pocketed it, didn't miss a beat!
Then he heard a shout
T'was Horace the gay boy scout :lipsrsealed:
Dickie saw a tenner laying in the street
So he picked it up and pocketed it, didn't miss a beat!
Then he heard a shout
T'was Horace the gay boy scout :lipsrsealed:
He said 'that's mine, give it back, you cheat'.
XxxxxxxxxxxxxxX
Finders keepers Dickie said
So Horace punched him in the head
Finders keepers Dickie said
So Horace punched him in the head
Ethel who was passing by
Joined in and whacked Horace in the eye
Finders keepers Dickie said
So Horace punched him in the head
Ethel who was passing by
Joined in and whacked Horace in the eye
So guess which one ended up dead... ⚰
Ernie sat in the cafe having a brew
Ernie sat in the cafe having a brew
Almost strong enough to chew
Ernie sat in the cafe having a brew
Almost strong enough to chew
His hair began to curl
Ernie sat in the cafe having a brew
Almost strong enough to chew
His hair began to curl
As he gave the mug a twirl
Ernie sat in the cafe having a brew
Almost strong enough to chew
His hair began to curl
As he gave the mug a twirl
And sat there admiring the view.
Horace sat for hours in the local A & E
Horace sat for hours in the local A & E
He slipped off for a mo when desperate for a pee
Horace sat for hours in the local A&E
He slipped off for a mo when desperate for a pee
He met up with Dickie while peeing in the loo
So he decide to aim it on Dickie's brand new shoe
Horace sat for hours in the local A&E
He slipped off for a mo when desperate for a pee
He met up with Dickie while peeing in the loo
So he decide to aim it on Dickie's brand new shoe
Horace scored a bullseye while chortling away with glee
I say old chap cried Dickie in a rage
I say old chap cried Dickie in a rage
When will you grow up and act your age
I say old chap cried Dickie in a rage
When will you grow up and act your age
Horace blew a raspberry in answer to his plea
I say old chap cried Dickie in a rage
When will you grow up and act your age
Horace blew a raspberry in answer to his plea
Grinning ear to ear as he sipped his herbal tea
I say old chap cried Dickie in a rage
When will you grow up and act your age
Horace blew a raspberry in answer to his plea
Grinning ear to ear as he sipped his herbal tea
Reading his Beano and turning over the next page
Susie was a pole dancer at the social club
Susie was a pole dancer at the social club
She also pulled pints at the local pub
Susie was a pole dancer at the social club
She also pulled pints at the local pup
She did a bit of lap dancing and sat on Eric's knee
Susie was a pole dancer at the social club
She also pulled pints at the local pub
She did a bit of lap dancing and sat on Eric's knee
But he shoved her off, and went for a wee
Susie was a pole dancer at the social club
She also pulled pints at the local pub
She did a bit of lap dancing and sat on Eric's knee
But he shoved her off, and went off for a wee
Susie wasn't happy, she took it as a snub.
*****************
A very camp butcher named Bill
A very camp butcher named Bill
Displayed his sausage with consummate skill
A very camp butcher named Bill
Displayed his sausage with consummate skill
He had it stuffed to twice its size and hung it on a hook
A very camp butcher named Bill
Displayed his sausage with consummate skill
He had it stuffed to twice its size and hung it on a hook
Everyone going by had to stop to look
A very camp butcher named Bill
Displayed his sausage with consummate skill
He had it stuffed to twice its size and hung it on a hook
Everyone going by had to stop to have a look
And offered a taster to all .. who came by at will
A lonely old man from Dover
A lonely old man from Dover
Decided he needed a make over
A lonely old man from Dover
Decided he needed a make over
He bought some tight jeans and dyed his hair black
A lonely old man from Dover
Decided he needed a make over
He bought some tight jeans and dyed his hair black
And had a tattoo done on his back
A lonely old man from Dover
Decided he needed a make over
He bought some tight jeans and dyed his hair black
And had a tattoo done on his back
Then advertised for a young lover
Billy took a tumble off his bike
Billy took a tumble off his bike
Distracted from the road by his old friend, Mike
Billy took a tumble off his bike
Distracted from the road by his old friend, Mike
He lay in the road
Billy took a tumble off his bike
Distracted from the road by his old friend, Mike
He lay in the road
His bike frame badly bowed
Billy took a tumble off his bike
Distracted from the road by his old friend, Mike
He lay in the road
His bike frame badly bowed
'Til he spotted a girl that he liked.
*
He called out "May, is that you?"
He called out 'May, is that you?'
She said 'No, my name is Sue'
He called out 'May, is that you?'
She said 'No, my name is Sue'
'Your name is Sue! .. You look like May'
He called out 'May, is that you?'
She said 'No, my name is Sue'
'Your name is Sue! .. You look like May'
Well goodness me, you don't say !
He called out 'May, is that you?'
She said 'No, my name is Sue'
'Your name is Sue! .. You look like May'
Well goodness me, you don't say !
Somebody else just said that, too!
*
Oh my, how the time does fly
Oh my, how the time does fly
As we get old, in a flash it goes by
Oh my, how the time does fly
As we get old, in a flash it goes by
Just where did all those years go?
Oh my, how the time does fly
As we get old, in a flash it goes by
Just where did all those years go?
Sometimes I wish it would slow
Oh my, how the time does fly
As we get old, in a flash it goes by
Just where did all those years go?
Sometimes I wish it would slow
I'd love it all again, I do not lie
August 21, 2024, 11:07:37 AM
Paddy loved a pork pie. He bought six at a time
Paddy loved a pork pie. He bought six at a time
But three were for Declan his partner in crime.
Paddy loved a pork pie. He bought six at a time
But three were for Declan his partner in crime
They'd nick them from the Co-op and once from M&S
Paddy loved a pork pie. He bought six at a time
But three were for Declan his partner in crime
They'd nick them from the Co-op and once from M&S
But that time, the cops grabbed his mate, Jess
Paddy loved a pork pie. He bought six at a time
But three were for Declan his partner in crime
They'd nick them from the Co-op and once from M&S
But that time , the cops grabbed their mate , Jess
Now Jess is in Brixton doing six months time
While digging his allotment one day
While digging his allotment one day
A stray cat appeared, wanting to play
While digging his a allotment one day
A stray cat appeared wanting to play
It dug up the plants , then did a wee
While digging his allotment one day
A stray cat appeared wanting to play
It dug up the plants, then did a wee
Then coughed up a furball, for all to see
While digging his allotment one day
A stray cat appeared wanting to play
It dug up the plants, then did a wee
Then coughed up a furball, for all to see
Finally chasing a ping pong, quite happily
The Park Attendant was a Pole called Platt
The Park Attendant was a Pole called Platt
Who drove to work though his tyre was flat
But down a pot-hole he went
And his bumper he bent
The Park Attendant was a Pole called Platt
Who drove to work though his tyre was flat
But down a pot-hole he went
And his bumper he bent
So Platt is now known as Prat
Eddie was a drag act in a club up in town
Eddie was a drag act in a club up in town
He wore red high heels and a green sequined gown
Eddie was a drag act in a club up in town
He wore red high heels and a green sequined gown
He looked very glamorous, but his voice was really gruff
Eddie was a drag act in a club up in town
He wore red high heels and a green sequined gown
He looked very glamorous, but his voice was really gruff
And his big hairy chest made him look too tough
Eddie was a drag act in a club up in town
He wore red high heels and a green sequinned gown
He looked very glamorous, but his voice was really gruff
And his big hairy chest made him look too tough
With rouge on his cheeks he looked quite the clown
There once was a fellow from Fife
There once was a fellow from Fife
Who kept a secret from his wife
There once was a fellow from Fife
Who kept a secret from his wife
For he fancied a man
There once was a fellow from Fife
Who kept a secret from his wife
For he fancied a man
A local called Dan
There once was a fellow from Fife
Who kept a secret from his wife
For he fancied a man
A local called Dan
Also the fishman called Clive
But he loved his wife, Flo, as well
Along with Ethel, Bertie and Nell
But he loved his wife, Flo, as well
Along with Ethel, Bertie and Nell
He wore a red frock on a Friday night
But he loved his wife, Flo, as well
Along with Ethel, Bertie and Nell
He wore a red frock on a Friday night
Which gave his neighbours a fright
But he loved his wife, Flo, as well
Along with Ethel, Bertie and Nell
He wore a red frock on a Friday night
Which gave his neighbours a fright
Then Sid opened his window to yell. . .
"You look a right twerp" yelled he
"You look a right twerp" yelled he
"Get a full length mirror and see,"
"You look a right twerp" yelled he
"Get a full length mirror and see,"
So the fella from Fife
Went home to his wife
You look a right twerp" yelled he
"Get a full length mirror and see,"
So the fella from Fife
Went home to his wife
And had kippers and jam for tea
There once was a man from Montrose
There was a young man from Montrose
Who liked to strut and pose
There was a young man from Montrose
Who liked to strut and pose
In the disco he'd shine
There was a young man from Montrose
Who liked to strut and pose
In the disco he'd shine
His dancing sublime
There was a young man from Montrose
Who liked to strut and pose
In the disco he'd shine
His dancing sublime
Til he went and tripped over his toes
A careless young surgeon from Neath
A careless young surgeon from Neath
Fell over and knocked out his teeth
A careless young surgeon from Neath
Fell over and knocked out his teeth
He forgot to use Poligrip to help keep his teeth in
A careless young surgeon from Neath
Fell over and knocked out his teeth
He forgot to use Poligrip to help keep his teeth in
So now he has lost his winning grin
A careless young surgeon from Neath
Fell over and knocked out his teeth
He forgot to use Poligrip to help keep his teeth in
So now he has lost his winning grin
And sleeps out on Hampstead Heath.
* *
There once lived a Parrot in Ayr
There once lived a Parrot in Ayr
For fun Stan taught it to swear
There once lived a Parrot in Ayr
For fun Stan taught it to swear
His language was ripe!
There once lived a Parrot in Ayr
For fun Stan taught it to swear
His language was ripe!
The auld dears would gripe
There once lived a Parrot in Ayr
For fun Stan taught it to swear
His language was ripe!
The auld dears would gripe
But Stan just didn't care
**********
Maggie sang soprano in an amateur choir
Maggie sang soprano in an amateur choir
But they all really wanted her to retire!
Maggie sang soprano in an amateur choir
But they all really wanted her to retire!
Her chest was large but her notes were flat
Maggie sang soprano in an amateur choir
But they all really wanted her to retire!
Her chest was large but her notes were flat
Oft compared to a strangled cat
Maggie sang soprano in an amateur choir
But they all really wanted her to retire!
Her chest was large but her notes were flat
Oft compared to a strangled cat
In fact her voice was just dire.
The local MP was called Hugh
The local MP was called Hugh
How he got elected nobody knew
The local MP was called Hugh
How he got elected nobody knew
He spent weekends in France
The local MP was called Hugh
How he got elected nobody knew
He spent weekends in France
Only gave meetings a glance
The local MP was called Hugh
How he got elected nobody knew
He spend weekends in France
Only gave meetings a glance
And never paid a dime when he flew
I once knew a Bouncer called Fred
I once knew a bouncer called Fred
Who threw troublemakers out on their head
I once knew a bouncer called Fred
Who threw troublemakers out on their head
But he had a soft spot
For his wife, name of Dot
I once knew a bouncer called Fred
Who threw troublemakers out on their head
But he had a soft spot
For his wife, name of Dot
Fred & Dot had been 15 years wed.
Ted went to the car wash one day
Fred went to the car wash one day
With his soap , flannel and hair spray
Fred went to the car wash one day
With his soap , flannel and hair spray
They kicked him out when he stripped to the buff
Fred went to the car wash one day
With his soap , flannel and hair spray
They kicked him out when he stripped to the buff
Carrying his clothes, he went off in a huff
Fred went to the car wash one day
With his soap, flannel and hair spray
They kicked him out when he stripped to the buff
Carrying his clothes , he went off in a huff
Mabel fainted , she was in the next bay
I had a new postman today
Have a care. Vlad reads this stuff.
I had a new postman today
He was slow on delivery.. but 'hey'
Quote from: klondike on August 29, 2024, 01:45:46 PMHave a care. Vlad reads this stuff.
Whoops - didn't mean to say that out loud.
We won't be able to do a thing with him now . . . . oh dear, there I go again . . (https://yoursmiles.org/msmile/fun/m0169.gif)
*
I had a new postman today
He was slow on delivery.. but 'hey'
With his cap back to front, and glasses askew
I had a new postman today
He was slow on delivery.. but 'hey'
With his cap back to front, and glasses askew
He put number 12's post into no 42
I had a new postman today
He was slow on delivery.. but 'hey'
With his cap back to front, and glasses askew
He put number 12's post into no 42
Then decided to call it a day.
*
As Mabel sat watching T.V.
As Mabel sat watching TV
She was stung on the nose by a bee
As Mabel sat watching TV
She was stung on the nose by a bee
Her nose started to swell
And it hurt like hell
As Mabel sat watching TV
She was stung on the nose by a bee
Her nose started to swell
And it hurt like hell
And the TV she could barely see
Mabel and Maude were identical twins
Mabel and Maude were identical twins
One day they went on a trip to Berlin
Mabel and Maude were identical twins
One day they went on a trip to Berlin
They looked at the wall, and drank some beer
Mabel and Maude were identical twins
One day they went on a trip to Berlin
They looked at the wall, and drank some beer
Then someone suddenly pinched Mabel's rear
Mabel and Maude were identical twins
One day they went on a trip to Berlin
They looked at the wall, and drank some beer
Then someone suddenly pinched Mabel's rear
She shrieked then gave him a kick on the shin
Ed was lazy, he liked to stay in bed
Ed was lazy, he liked to stay in bed
So did Ethel , with her mate Ted
Ed was lazy, he liked to stay in bed
So did Ethel , with her mate Ted
They'd eat their dinner, watch TV
They rarely got up, except for a wee
Ed was lazy, he liked to stay in bed
So did Ethel , with her mate Ted
They'd eat their dinner, watch TV
They rarely got up, except for a wee
Power cuts filled Ed with dread !
Vicky worked behind the bar in the Drunken Duck
Vicky worked behind the bar in the Drunken Duck
She liked the job, plus earned a buck
Vicky worked behind the bar in the Drunken Duck
She liked the job, plus earned a buck
But she did love the booze
Vicky worked behind the bar in the Drunken Duck
She liked the job, plus earned a buck
But she did love the booze
And ended up in the news
Vicky worked behind the bar in the Drunken Duck
She liked the job, plus she earned a buck
But she did love the booze
And ended up in the news
But Vicky just thought :wtf:
*
Peter spent his money on women online
Although he never met them, he thought it was fine
Peter spent his money on women online
Although he never met them, he thought it was fine
They sent him their pictures and video clips
Peter spent his money on women online
Although he never met them, he thought it was fine
They sent him their pictures and video clips
Vera had a huge bum and enormous hips
Peter spent his money on women online
Although he never met them , he thought is was fine
They sent him their pictures and video clips
Vera had a huge bum and enormous hips
Peter liked big women, so they are meeting at nine
GrannyMac.. your :wtf: really made me laugh
GrannyMac.. your :wtf: really made me laugh
Over went my cup of freshly brewed decaff ! 🙄
GrannyMac your :wtf: really made me laugh
Over went my cup of freshly brewed decaff ! :rolleyes:
It landed on my lap
And some on the head of the cat
I wet myself, I felt so daft This wasn't meant to be a first liner..
Bob's false eye popped out and landed in his tea
I wondered if it was OK... :wink:
Bob's false eye popped out and landed in his tea
It gave old Lil a fright, she was sitting on his knee
Bob's false eye popped out and landed in his tea
It gave old Lil a fright, she was sitting on his knee
He grabbed a spoon and scooped it out
Bob's false eye popped out and landed in his tea
It gave old Lil a fright, she was sitting on his knee
He grabbed a spoon and scooped it out
But then dropped it down the tea pot spout
Bob's false eye popped out and landed in his tea
It gave old Lil a fright she was sitting on his knee
He grabbed a spoon and scooped it out
But then dropped it down the tea pot spout
And was stirred around by a teaspooneee
Ethel ran the wrong way in the relay race
Ethel ran the wrong way in the relay race
To make things worse it was at a storming pace
Ethel ran the wrong way in the relay race
To make things worse it was at a storming pace
She dropped the baton then she fell
Ethel ran the wrong way in the relay race
To make things worse it was at a storming pace
She dropped the baton then she fell
Which, of course, was just as well
Ethel ran the wrong way in the relay race
To make things worse it was at a storming pace
She dropped the baton then she fell
Which, of course, was just as well
But Big Bertie still thought she was Ace. . . . Aaahhh. . :wink:
*
I got an invite to see Santa's Reindeer
They get earlier every damn year
I got an invite to see Santa's reindeer
They get earlier every damn year
And Easter eggs will soon be on sale
I got an invite to see Santa's reindeer
They get earlier every damn year
And Easter eggs will soon be on sale
But by next Easter they'll be a bit stale
I got an invite to see Santa's reindeer
They get earlier every year
And Easter eggs will soon be on sale
But by next Easter they'll be a bit stale
To all a Merry Christmas and good cheer
Digby married Priscilla the vet
Digby married Priscilla the vet
He only proposed for a bet
Digby married Priscilla the vet
He only proposed for a bet
She had checked him over just to make sure
Digby married Priscilla the vet
He only proposed for a bet
She had checked him over just to make sure
He was tall, dark but a bit of a bore
Digby married Priscilla the vet
He only proposed for a bet
She had checked him over just to make sure
He was tall, dark but a bit of a bore
But she treated him like one of her pets
Milly won the raffle. A dinner date with Bill
Milly won the raffle. A dinner date with Bill
Bill had prepared by buying a little blue pill
Milly won the raffle. A dinner date with Bill
Bill had prepared by buying a little blue pill
They went to the carvery in the local pub
Milly stuffed her face with free drinks and grub
So Bill had no use for his pill, because Milly was too ill.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
He asked her out on a second date
He asked her out on a second date
They agreed to meet next day at eight
He asked her out on a second date
They agreed to meet next day at eight
She wore a new frock -
A pretty blue smock
Quote from: Mups on September 06, 2024, 03:31:04 PMHe asked her out on a second date
They agreed to meet next day at eight
She wore a new frock -
A pretty blue smock
He asked her out on a second date
They agreed to meet next day at eight
She wore a new frock-
A pretty blue smock
But she left after an hour because Bill was late
Tommy Tucker opened a takeaway in the centre of town
Tommy Tucker opened a takeaway in the centre of town
It used to be a strip club - which had to close down
Tommy Tucker opened a takeaway in the centre of town
It used to be a strip club - which had to close down
Punters looking for twirls and dips
Would find it now sold kebabs and chips
Tommy Tucker opened a takeaway in the centre of town
It used to be a strip club - which had to close down
Punters looking for twirls and dips
Would find it now sold kebabs and chips
Tommy's Peking Duck earned him great renown
As Fred boarded the plane to France
As Fred boarded the plane to France
He tripped and fell into a trance
As Fred boarded the plane to France
He tripped and fell into a trance
He dropped his bag, his passport too
As Fred boarded the plane to France
He tripped and fell into a trance
He dropped his bag, his passport too
Finally treading in some poo
As Fred boarded a plane to France
he tripped and fell into a trance
He dropped his bag, his passport too
Finally treading in some poo
Damn it he thought, I'll take a chance
He saw the Eiffel Tower standing tall
Just like Blackpool where dancers have a ball
He saw the Eiffel Tower standing tall
Just like Blackpool where dancers have a ball
Then on to Notre-dame
Where the hunchback came to harm
He saw the Eiffel Tower standing tall
Just like Blackpool where dancers have a ball
Then on to Notre-dame
Where the hunchback came to harm
He wasn't keen on France.. After all
Fred booked a coach trip to Frinton -on-Sea
Fred booked a coach trip to Frinton -on-Sea
But on the coach a lady sat on his knee
Fred booked a coach trip to Frinton-on Sea
But on the coach a lady sat on his knee
Much better than France Ooh La La
Fred booked a coach trip to Frinton-on Sea
But on the coach a lady sat on his knee
Much better than France Ooh La La
He thought she looked pretty as a star
Fred booked a coach trip to Frinton-on Sea
But on the coach a lady sat on his knee
Much better than France Ooh La La
He thought she looked pretty as a star
Billy scowled thinking "Wish that was me"
Fred and his beau strolled onto the sands
Fred and his beau strolled onto the sands
They found a dune and opened some cans
Fred and his beau strolled onto the sands
They found a dune and opened some cans
A little later Fred produced some brandy
Fred and his beau strolled onto the sands
They found a dune and opened some cans
A little later Fred produced some brandy
He felt light headed and got quite randy
The lady wasn't amused and told him 'watch your hands!'
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Kenny used his bus pass every single day
Kenny used his bus pass every single day
He didn't care where he went, he didn't have to pay
Kenny used his bus pass every single day
He didn't care where he went, he didn't have to pay
The town, the beach, north, south, east, west
Kenny used his bus pass every single day
He didn't care where he went, he didn't have to pay
The town, the beach, north, south, east, west
But then decided it was the coast he liked best
Kenny used his bus pass every single day
He didn't care where he went, he didn't have to pay
The town, the beach, north, south, east, west
To meet a nice girl was his ultimate quest
Kenny used his bus pass every single day
He didn't care where he went, he didn't have to pay
The town, the beach, north, south , east , west
To meet a nice girl was his ultimate quest
And still he looks after travelling such a long way
Our winter bloomers will have to come out soon
Its much colder than it was in June
Our winter bloomers will have to come out soon
It's much colder than it was in June
Winter duvet on the bed
Fluffy hat upon my head
Our winter bloomers will have to come out soon
It's much colder than it was in June
Winter duvet on the bed
Fluffy hat upon my head
All done before my Soup at noon.
*
Fred was sitting at his kitchen table
Fred was sitting at his kitchen table
He looked angrily across at Mable
Fred was sitting at his kitchen table
He looked angrily across at Mabel
She had served up broccoli on his plate
Fred was sitting at his kitchen table
He looked angrily across at Mabel
She had served up broccoli on his plate
A veg he really, really did hate
Fred was sitting at his kitchen table
He looked angrily across at Mabel
She had served up broccoli on his plate
A veg he really, really did hate
He would pop to McDonald's when he was able
Alfred worked in Lidl baking all the bread
Alfred worked in Lidl baking all the bread
Working in Waitrose was a dream in his head
Alfred worked in Lidl baking all the bread
Working in Waitrose was a dream in his head
For he loved the head Baker
Alfred worked in Lidl baking all the bread
Working in Waitrose was a dream in his head
For he loved the head Baker
A real mover and shaker
Alfred worked in Lidl baking all the bread
Working in Waitrose was a dream in his head
For he loved the head Baker
A real mover and shaker
And he wanted to take her to bed! (https://yoursmiles.org/msmile/wonder/m1828.gif)
*
So he decided to change his old job
So he decided to change his old job
And now works with the posh Waitrose mob
He is in bakery making much dough
So he decided to change his old job
And now works with the posh Waitrose mob
He is in bakery making much dough
But they told him he's much too slow
So he decided to change his old job
And now works with the posh Waitrose mob
He is in bakery making much dough
But they told him he's much too slow
Because he's mooning over his hearthrob
XxxxxxxxxxxX
There was an old dear from Montrose
here was an old dear from Montrose
Who on each foot had six toes
There was an old dear from Montrose
Who on each foot had six toes
She was a chiropodists dream
There was an old dear from Montrose
Who on each foot had six toes
She was a chiropodists dream
She bought loads of foot cream
There was an old dear from Montrose
Who on each foot had six toes
She was a chiropodists dream
She bought loads of foot cream
Any left over she rubbed onto her nose!
When the car MOT was due
Alf got there and found a long queue
When the car MOT was due
Alf got there and found a long queue
He hoped his old banger would last the long wait
When the car MOT was due
Alf got there and found a long queue
He hoped his old banger would last the long wait
And he was meant to have some lunch with Kate
When the car MOT was due
Alf got there and found a long queue
He hoped his old banger would last the long wait
And he was meant to have some lunch with Kate
But, alas, the old banger didn't get through
The tyres were bald, it had no brakes
Driving the thing gave Alf the shakes
The tyres were bald, it had no brakes
Driving the thing gave Alf the shakes
So his date with Kate was put on hold
The tyres were bald, it had no brakes
Driving the thing gave Alf the shakes
So his date with Kate was put on hold
Until they both were feeling bold
The tyres were bald, it had no brakes
Driving the thing gave Alf the shakes
So his date with Kate was put on hold
Until they both were feeling bold
And sat in the park with tea and cakes.
* * * * * *
As May sat watching telly one night
A great big spider came into sight
As May sat watching telly one night
A great big spider came into sight
You could hear her screams for miles! 🕷
As May sat watching telly one night
A great big spider came into sight
You could hear her screams for miles! 🕷
As it ran over her tiles
As May sat watching telly one night
A great big spider came into sight
You could hear her screams for miles! 🕷
As it ran over her tiles
She battered it with all her might
May was meeting her pal in town
May was meeting her pal in town
"Now what shall I wear" she thought with a frown
May was meeting her pal in town
'Now what shall I wear ' she thought with a frown
Will it be windy !.. will it rain!
Or maybe the sun will shine again
May was meeting her pal in town
'Now what shall I wear ' she thought with a frown
Will it be windy !.. will it rain!
Or maybe the sun will shine again
I'll wear boots, a mac and a sparkly gown.
************
The pub was doing two cocktails half price
May thought Sex on the Beach sounded nice
The pub was doing two cocktails half price
May thought Sex on the Beach sounded nice
So she put on her sexiest pants 👙
The pub was doing two cocktails half price
May thought Sex on the Beach sounded nice
So she put on her sexiest pants
And headed to a beach down in Hants
The pub was doing two cocktails half price
May thought Sex on the Beach sounded nice
So she put on her sexiest pants
And headed to a beach down in Hants
And enjoyed her cocktail with ice.
* *
Bert was fed up with what's on t.v.
Bert was fed up with what's on tv
Cooks and celebrities going off on freebies
Bert was fed up with what's on tv
Cooks and celebrities going off on freebies
He decided he'd have a night at the flicks
Bert was fed up with what's on tv
Cooks and celebrities going off on freebies
He decided he'd have a night at the flicks
With a bucket full of popcorn he licked his lips
Bert was fed up with what's on tv
Cooks and celebrities going off on freebies
He decided he'd have a night at the flicks
With a bucket full of popcorn he licked his lips
Till his friend Mabel came and sat on his knee.
She stank of booze as she kissed his ear
She stank of booze as she kissed his ear
Bert thought 'I'm well in here'
She stank of booze as she kissed his ear
Bert thought 'I'm well in here'
His hand rested gently on her knee
She stank of booze as she kissed his ear
Bert thought 'I'm well in here'
His hand rested gently on her knee
She didn't flinch Bert thought 'Yippee'
She stank of booze as she kissed his ear
Bert thought 'I'm well in here'
His hand rested gently on her knee
She didn't flinch Bert thought 'Yippee'
If only he'd had 10 less pints of beer
Both Bert and Mabel nodded off to sleep
Both Bert and Mabel nodded off to sleep
But Bert's snoring made Mabel weep
Both Bert and Mabel nodded off to sleep
But Bert's snoring made Mabel weep
He'd done it for years -
Made worse by a few beers
Both Bert and Mabel nodded off to sleep
But Bert's snoring made Mabel weep
He'd done it for years-
Mad worse by a few beers
A peg on his nose..!! Hooray, not a peep
While rootling about in his shed
While rootling about in his shed
Fred stood up and hit his head
While rootling about in his shed
Fred stood up and hit his head
The bump was as big as a golf ball
While rootling about in his shed
Fred stood up and hit his head
The bump was as big as a golf ball
Made worse from being so tall
While rootling about in his shed
Fred stood up and hit his head
The bump was as big as a golf ball
Made worse from being so tall
So he had a lie down on his bed.
He then had a funny dream
He then had a funny dream
All he recalled was being covered with cream
He then had a funny dream
All he recalled was being covered with cream
He felt a bit naughty
Though well over forty
He then had a funny dream
All he recalled was being covered with cream
He felt a bit naughty
Though well over forty
His problem was low self esteem :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
The bikers were heading to Fife
The bikers were heading to Fife
One was trying hard to escape his wife
The bikers were heading to Fyfe
One was trying hard to escape his wife
But he forgot he was riding tandem
The bikers were heading to Fyfe
One was trying hard to escape his wife
But he forgot he was riding tandem
So it didn't help taking turns at random
The bikers were heading to Fyfe
One was trying hard to escape his wife
But he forgot he was riding tandem
So it didn't help taking turns at random
Still followed by his trouble and strife!
*
Bert sat waiting to see his GP
Bert sat waiting to see his GP
He wasn't sure if it was a him or a she
Bert sat waiting to see his GP
He wasn't sure if it was a him or a she
It didn't help that he couldn't say their name
Bert sat waiting to see his GP
He wasn't sure if it was a him or a she
It didn't help that he couldn't say their name
I know the feeling - I'm just the same
Bert sat waiting to see his GP
He wasn't sure if it was a him or a she
It didn't help that he couldn't say their name
I know the feeling - I'm just the same
Can't stop I'm off to see Dr Zwkcospgrki
I started reading signs in the waiting room
I started reading signs in the waiting room
Lots of health warnings, all doom and gloom
I started reading signs in the waiting room
Lots of health warnings, all doom and gloom
' Are you suffering with spots'?
'It could be the pox'
I started reading signs in the waiting room
Lots of health warnings, all doom and gloom
' Are you suffering with spots'?
'It could be the pox'
Or 'Is there something wrong with your womb?'
************
A miracle, I saw the GP!
A miracle, I saw the GP!
Driving away.. off home for his tea
A miracle, I saw the GP!
Driving away.. off home for his tea
He works twelve hours a week,
A miracle, I saw a GP!
Driving away... off home for his tea
He works twelve hours a week,
probably being cut back , as we speak
A miracle, I saw a GP!
Driving away... off home for his tea
He works twelve hours a week,
probably being cut back , as we speak
More time for Livi online for a fee
Do GPs do house calls anymore?
Do GPS do house calls anymore ?
Haven't seen them at anyone's door
Do GPS do house calls anymore ?
Haven't seen them at anyone's door
You'd have to wait till you died
Do GPS do house calls anymore?
Haven't seen them at anyone's door
You'd have to wait till you died
They pop in to check if your alive
Do GPS do house calls anymore?
Haven't seen them at anyone's door
You'd have to wait till you died
They pop in to check if your alive
And if you're dead they charge you more.
**********
'Free the sausages' was a gaffe made by Sir Kier
He really meant hostages, that was fairly clear
'Free the sausages' was a gaffe made by Sir Kier
He really meant hostages, that was fairly clear
Give us back our 300 clowns
Oo'ps, what I mean is 300 pounds
'Free the sausages' was a gaffe made by Sir Kier
He really meant hostages, that was fairly clear
Give us back our 300 clowns
Oo'ps, what I mean is 300 pounds
At least it livened up what was very drear
How long can the fellow last
How long can the fellow last
Let's hope he's soon in the past
How long can the fellow last
Let's hope he's soon in the past
Careful what you wish for there
The Ginger Growler is his official heir
How long can the fellow last
Let's hope he's soon in the past
Careful what you wish for there
The Ginger Growler is his official heir
The whole shebang makes me aghast!
**********
Come on Nigel, Reform should do well
Come on Nigel, Reform should do well
Please release us from this living hell
Come on Nigel, Reform should do well
Please release us from this living hell
'Cos Labour must go
Come on Nigel, Reform should do well
Please release us from this living hell
'Cos Labour must go
Quick, quick please, not slow
Come on Nigel, Reform should do well
Please release us from this living hell
'Cos Labour must go
Quick, quick please, not slow
And when will this be !!..pray tell
There's floods everywhere today
With even more rain on it's way
There's floods everywhere today
With even more rain on it's way
It's all doom and gloom
There's floods everywhere today
With even more rain on it's way
It's all doom and gloom
But it will be Christmas soon
There's floods everywhere today
With even more rain on it's way
It's all doom and gloom
But it will be Christmas soon
Next week by the shops' displays.
**********
The dark nights have drawn in so fast
The dark nights have drawn in so fast
Getting dark at six.. or just past
The dark nights have drawn in so fast
Getting dark at six.. or just past
And it suddenly got colder
The dark nights have drawn in so fast
Getting darker at six...or just past
And it suddenly got colder
And my bones a year older
The dark nights have drawn in so fast
Getting darker at six...or just past
And it suddenly got colder
And my bones a year older
How long will this winter last ?
Ethel had knitted a jumper for Bill
Ethel had kniteed a jumper for Bill
Good intentions but sadly no skill
Ethel had knitted a jumper for Bill
Good intentions but sadly no skill
Was it really whiteback gorilla size?
Or was that just a trick of his eyes?
Ethel had knitted a jumper for Bill
Good intentions but sadly no skill
Was it really whiteback gorilla size?
Or was that just a trick of his eyes?
Bill decided to pop another pill !
"You make my ears ache" said Bert to May
"You make my ears ache "said Bert to May
"When you are chat, chatting away "
"You make my ears ache "said Bert to May
"When you are chat, chatting away "
May boxed Bert about the ears
"You make my ears ache " said Bert to May
"When you are chat, chatting away"
May boxed Bert about the ears
Don't try this at home.. you little dears
"You make my ears ache " said Bert to May
"When you are chat, chatting away"
May boxed Bert about the ears
Don't try this at home.. you little dears
If you want to live another day!
**************
May went out dancing and left Bert at home
May went out dancing and left Bert at home
Bert was well chuffed ,just being alone
May went out dancing and left Bert at home
Bert was well chuffed ,just being alone
He went to the offie and bought some beer
By ten o'clock old Bert was full of cheer
May went out dancing and left Bert at home
Bert was well chuffed ,just being alone
He went to the offie and bought some beer
By ten o'clock old Bert was full of cheer
Now long after praying into the throne
May returned and made for the loo
May returned and made for the loo
Bert was feeling randy. He hoped May was too
May returned and made for the loo
Bert was feeling randy. He hoped May was too
He'd sprayed on Old Spice
May returned and made for the loo
Bert was feeling randy. He hoped May did too
He'd sprayed on Old Spice
To be sure, he sprayed twice
May returned and made for the loo
Bert was feeling randy. He hoped May did too
He sprayed on Old Spice
To be sure, he sprayed twice
He would pass out in five.. Nothing new
Bert had a hangover and so stayed in bed
Bert had a hangover and so stayed in bed
The slightest sound hurting his aching head
Bert had a hangover and so stayed in bed
The slightest sound hurting his head
May did some hoovering and trod on the cats tail
Bert had a hangover and so stayed in bed
The slightest sound hurting his head
May did some hoovering and trod on the cats tail
It wasn't just the cat that let out a wail
Bert had a hangover and so stayed in bed
The slightest sound hurting his head
May did some hoovering and trod on the cat's tail
It wasn't just the cat that let out a wail
The slightest move and Bert saw stars and red
The cat shot off and down the stairs
The cat shot off and down the stairs
Some people call it the apples and pears!
The cat shot off and down the stairs
Some people call it apples and pears
Usually the cockneys who live down South
They say ' Cor blimey' and 'Watcha yer marf'
The cat shot off and down the stairs
Some people call it apples and pears
Usually the cockneys who live down South
They say ' Cor blimey' and 'Watcha yer marf'
Then walks off in a huff, 'cos nobody cares.
*
Still bucketing down today
Still bucketing down today
How I wish it would go away
Still bucketing down today
How I wish it would go away
Is it better than snow? ❄
Still bucketing down today
How I wish it would go away
Is it better than snow? ❄
When that north wind doth blow 💨
Still bucketing down today
How I wish it would go away
Is it better than snow? ❄
When that north wind doth blow 💨
No, cos rain washes the snowmen away! ⛄️
**************
Dave used his bus pass every day
Dave used his bus pass every day
How long before Starmer makes him pay?
Dave used his bus pass every day
How long before Starmer makes him pay?
He looked forward to his trip to town
Dave used his bus pass every day
How long before Starmer makes him pay?
He looked forward to his trip to town
It cheered him up if he was down
Dave used his bus pass every day
How long before Starmer makes him pay?
He looked forward to his trip in town
It cheered him up if he was down
Coffee with his friends in good old Safeway
While Gert was writing her Christmas list
While Gert was writing her Christmas list
She checked if there was anyone she'd missed
While Gert was writing her Christmas list
She checked if there was anyone she'd missed
Family and friends were all written down
While Gert was writing her Christmas list
She checked if there was anyone she'd missed
Family and friends were all written down
Even the butcher.. Mister Brown
While Gert was writing her Christmas list
She checked if there was anyone she'd missed
Family and friends were all written down
Even the butcher.. Mister Brown
Not forgetting the vicar, who Gert had once kissed.
Gert and the vicar had a thing going on
Gert and the vicar had a thing going on
Oooo how delicious, I wondered where he'd gone!
Gert and the vicar had a thing going on
Oooo how delicious , I wondered where he'd gone!
They now pray together at the end of the bed
Gert and the vicar had a thing going on
Oooo how delicious , I wondered where he'd gone!
They now pray together at the end of the bed
In holy matrimony, they got wed
Gert and the vicar had a thing going on
Oooo how delicious , I wondered where he'd gone!
They now pray together at the end of the bed
In holy matrimony, they got wed
And the sunshine was glorious, it shone and shone! 🌞 🌤
The Tories conference is on TV
Is it a misnomer, Cleverly?
The Tories conference is on TV
Is it misnomer , Cleverly?
No clever ones in that team
The Tories conference is on TV
Is it misnomer , Cleverly?
No clever ones in that team
They make me want to scream 🤯
The Tories conference is on TV
Is it a misnomer, Cleverly?
No clever ones in that team
They make me want to scream 🤯
And they're very good at getting things free.
**********
Lenny went to Blackpool to see the Christmas lights
Lenny went to Blackpool to see the Christmas lights
Arriving in the afternoon he went to see the sights
Lenny went to Blackpool to see the Christmas lights
And who should he see but his old flame in a pair of sequinned tights
Sorry too late, ignore me!
Lenny went to Blackpool to see the Christmas lights
Arriving in the afternoon he went to see the sights
But the wind was fresh and the sea was rough
Lenny went to Blackpool to see the Christmas lights
Arriving in the afternoon he went to see the sights
But the wind was fresh and the sea was rough
So he went in some pubs and drank more than enough
Lenny went to Blackpool to see the Christmas lights
Arriving in the afternoon he went to see the sights
But the wind was fresh and the sea was rough
So he went in some pubs and drank more than enough
Then staggered back to the hotel, where he slept all night
I have a little dog that wants cuddles all day
Her name is Gertie and it's just her way
I have a little dog that wants cuddles all day
Her name is Gertie and it's just her way
I love my little Gertie.. She is my bestest friend
I have a little dog that wants cuddles all day
Her name is Gertie and it's just her way
I love my little Gertie.. She is my bestest friend
But when she chews my slippers it drives me round the bend
I have a little dog that wants cuddles all day
Her name is Gertie and it's just her way
I love my little Gertie.. She is my bestest friend
But when she chews my slippers it drives me round the bend
But she puts paws in her ears so she can't hear me say.
(https://yoursmiles.org/tsmile/dogs/t0405.gif)
*
When Arthur met Sally he said
Barry stood in a queue. He didn't know what for
Barry stood in a queue. He didn't know what for
It must be for something good it stretched right out the door
Barry stood in a queue. He didn't know what for
It must be for something good it stretched right out the door
He waited and waited, and his feet were getting cold
Barry stood in a queue. He didn't know what for
It must be for something good it stretched right out the door
He waited and waited, and his feet were getting cold
And his sandwich was growing mould
Barry stood in a queue. He didn't know what for
It must be for something good it stretched right out the door
He waited and waited, and his feet were getting cold
And his sandwich was growing mould
When his turn came, he said 'just give me four!
************
Mups started this, but it was overlooked:
When Arthur met Sally he said
What on earth have you got on your head?
Oh!!! Mups , I am so sorry. I never saw your starter...
When Arthur met Sally he said
What on earth have you got on your head?
It sparkled and shone
When Arthur met Sally he said
What on earth have you got on your head?
It sparkled and shone
And was four inches long
When Arthur met Sally he said
What on earth have you got on your head?
It sparkled and shone
And was four inches long
She'd found it in the flower bed.
(No matter Scrumps, don't worry). :smiley:
*
It's colder and long nights are drawing near
Halloween and Guy Fawkes will soon be here
It's colder and long nights are drawing near
Halloween and Guy Fawkes will soon be here
'Trick or treat' which will you choose ?
It's colder and long nights are drawing near
Halloween and Guy Fawkes will soon be here
'Trick or treat' which will you choose ?
Stay in the warm with a nice glass of booze
It's colder and long nights are drawing near
Halloween and Guy Fawkes will soon be here
'Trick or treat 'which will you choose?
Stay in the warm with a nice glass of booze
And wait for the Christmas cheer
While watching Andre Rieu on tv
While watching Andre Rieu on tv
Nellie was banging her drum with glee
While watching Andre Rieu on tv
Nellie was banging her drum with glee
She was singing along, out of tune
While watching Andre Rieu on tv
Nellie was banging her drum with glee
She was singing along, out of tune
Got so excited I feared she'd swoon
While watching Andre Rieu on tv
Nellie was banging her drum with glee
She was singing along out of tune
Got so excited I feared she'd swoon
She thought ' He's playing his fiddle just for me'
Kevin asked the barber for a number two
Kevin asked the barber for a number two
For the many bald bits stick some shavings on with glue
Kevin asked the barber for a number two
For the many bald bits stick some shavings on with glue
Then some beard wax as well
Kevin asked the barber for a number two
For the many bald bits stick some shavings on with glue
Then some beard wax as well
Stick it all over.. what the hell !
Kevin asked the barber for a number two
For the many bald bits stick some shavings on with glue
Then some beard wax as well
Stick it all over.. what the hell !
Ignore the dollops of glue on his shoe !
Mustafa was the barber who cut Kevin's hair
Mustafa was the barber who cut Kevin's hair
You'll have to wait a little while he's busy with his prayer
Mustafa was the barber who cut Kevin's hair
You'll have to wait a little while he's busy with his prayer
But he'll be back in good time
Mustafa was the barber who cut Kevin's hair
You'll have to wait a little while he's busy with his prayer
But he'll be back in good time
He's expecting a new lota from Amazon Prime
Mustafa was the barber who cut Kevin's hair
You'll have to wait a little while he's busy with his prayer
But he'll be back in good time
He's expecting a new lota from Amazon Prime
It will be delivered, but heaven knows where!
Charlie was sitting on a stool at the bar
Charlie was sitting on a stool at the bar
He only had a tenner, that wouldn't go far.
Charlie was sitting on a stool at the bar
He only had a tenner, that wouldn't go far
He sipped his beer slowly, through a straw
Charlie was sitting on a stool at the bar
He only had a tenner, that wouldn't go far
He sipped his beer slowly, through a straw
After an hour he had an ache in his jaw
Charlie was sitting on a stool at the bar
He only had a tenner, that wouldn't go far
He sipped his beer slowly, through a straw
After an hour he had an ache in his jaw
Then found someone had nicked his car.
*
There's a Hot Dog van in the park
There's a Hot Dog van in the park
Painted pink just for a lark
There's a hot dog van in the park
Painted pink , just for a lark
Barry queued up in his high heeled shoes
There's a hot dog van in the park
Painted pink , just for a lark
Barry queued up in his high heeled shoes
Having a break from hanging round the loos
There's a hot dog van in the park
Painted pink, just for a lark
Barry queued up in his high heeled shoes
Having a break from hanging round the loos
With his friend Maurice, after dark
There's a hot dog van in the park
Painted pink, just for a lark
Barry queued up in his high heeled shoes
Having a break from hanging round the loos
With his friend Maurice, after dark
Maurice moved from Denver in nineteen eighty two
Maurice moved from Denver in nineteen eighty two
He'd broken up with Barry, and wanted something new
Maurice moved from Denver in nineteen eighty two
He'd broken up with Barry, and wanted something new
He liked the sound of England renowned for her free speech :cool:
Maurice moved from Denver in nineteen eighty two
He'd broken up with Barry, and wanted something new
He liked the sound of England renowned for her free speech (https://letschat.club/Smileys/klondike/cool.png)
Perhaps somewhere coastal with a lovely sandy beach
Maurice moved from Denver in nineteen eighty two
He'd broken up with Barry, and wanted something new
He liked the sound of England renowned for her free speech (https://letschat.club/Smileys/klondike/cool.png)
Perhaps somewhere coastal with a lovely sandy beach
But he ended up in Chester, clearing poo at the zoo.
**************
Lily went on protests, End War, Save Trees, Stop Oil
She had a good inheritance, so didn't need to toil
Lily went on protests, End War, Save Trees, Stop Oil
She had a good inheritance, so didn't need to toil
She went to the Town Hall and sprayed the place with paint
Lily went on protests, End War, Save Trees, Stop Oil
She had a good inheritance, so didn't need to toil
She went to the Town Hall and sprayed the place with paint
The smell was really strong and Lily felt quite faint
Lily went on protests, End War, Save Trees, Stop Oil
She had a good inheritance, so didn't need to toil
She went to the Town Hall and sprayed the place with paint
The smell was really strong and Lily felt quite faint
She got her comeuppance when she got a nasty boil
Bored with nought on the telly
Mick thought he'd go and see Nelly
Bored with nought on the telly
Mick thought he'd go and see Nelly
But Nelly had gone to the pub
With Joe, to eat some fancy grub
Bored with nought on the telly
Mick thought he'd go and see Nelly
But Nelly had gone to the pub
With Joe, to eat some fancy grub
So Mick chatted up Val from the Deli
While Bertie sat reading in bed
While Bertie sat reading in bed
A thought suddenly entered his head
While Bertie sat reading in bed
A thought suddenly entered his head
' I wonder if it's raining in Spain' !!
While Bertie sat reading in bed
A thought suddenly entered his head
' I wonder if it's raining in Spain' !!
I can hear it is here yet again
While Bertie sat reading in bed
A thought suddenly entered his head
'I wonder if it's raining in Spain'!!
I can here that it is here yet again
So he opted for reading.. instead
When the chips are down and you're feeling rather blue
Just open a bottle of gin, that will get you through
When the chips are down and you're feeling rather blue
Just open a bottle of gin, that will get you through
But should the room begin to sway
When the chips are down and you're feeling rather blue
Just open a bottle of gin, that will get you through
But should the room begin to sway
Leave the bottle for another day
When the chips are down and you're feeling rather blue
Just open a bottle of gin, that will get you through
But should the room begin to sway
Leave the bottle for another day
Or a thick head tomorrow, silly old you! :smiley:
*
The new local Vicar in Gwent
The new local Vicar in Gwent
Called on all of his flock to repent
The new local vicar in Gwent
Called on all of his flock to repent
Everyone said 'Aye'
Everyone but.. Dai
The new local vicar in Gwent
Called on all of his flock to repent
Everyone said 'Aye'
Everyone but.. Dai
Who muttered "I reckon he's bent"
The new local vicar in Gwent
Called on all of his flock to repent
Everyone said 'Aye'
Everyone but.. Dai
Who muttered 'I reckon he's bent'
I think that wink, for me ,was meant'
Our Nell liked Fishcakes once a week
Our Nell liked Fishcakes once a week
Bought every Friday from Nick the Greek
Our Nell liked Fishcakes once a week
Bought every Friday from Nick the Greek
Mashed potato, salmon or cod
Our Nell liked Fishcakes once a week
Bought every Friday from Nick the Greek
Mashed potato, salmon or cod
And a grope of your bum the randy old sod
Our Nell liked fishcakes once a week
Bought every Friday from Nick the Greek
Mashed potato, salmon or cod
And a grope of your bum the randy old sod
Basil loved a Friday fishcake and his bottom tweaked
While standing in the post office queue
While standing in the post office queue
I remembered something I'd intended to do
While standing in the post office queue
I remembered something I'd intended to do
So I set off down the street
While standing in the post office queue
I remembered something I'd intended to do
So I set off down the street
I'd forgotten to feed my Parakeet
While standing in the post office queue
I remembered something I'd intended to do
So I set off down the street
I'd forgotten to feed my Parakeet
Whose squawks were turning the air blue!
*************
Madge was tired, so she went back to bed
Madge was tired, so she went back to bed
She snuggled down and cuddled her ted 🧸
Madge was tired, so she went to bed
She snuggled down and cuddled her ted
Ted was her bestie.. he'd slept with her for years
Madge was tired, so she went back to bed
She snuggled down and cuddled her ted
Ted was her bestie.. he'd slept with her for years
Seen her through laughter and also her tears
Madge was tired, so she went back to bed
She snuggled down and cuddled her ted
Ted was her bestie.. he'd slept with her for years
Seen her through laughter and also her tears
Much to the annoyance of her husband Ned.
**************
At the pensioners' lunch club Jessie served the teas
At the pensioners' lunch club Jessie served the teas
Where everything was free, there were no fees
At the pensioners' lunch club Jessie served the teas
Where everything was free, there were no fees
She then washed up and tidied round
At the pensioners' lunch club Jessie served the teas
Where everything was free, there were no fees
She then washed up and tidied round
Under one of the plates she saw a pound
At the pensioners' lunch club Jessie served the teas
Where everything was free, there were no fees
She then washed up and tidied round
Under one of the plates she saw a pound
A tip for Jessie who tried to please
Jessie put the pound in the church fund box
(https://yoursmiles.org/tsmile/moon/t114010.gif)
There is a special full moon tonight
(https://yoursmiles.org/tsmile/moon/t114010.gif)
There is a special full moon tonight
It looks as if the sky's alight
Quote from: GrannyMac on October 18, 2024, 05:46:10 AM(https://yoursmiles.org/tsmile/moon/t114010.gif)
There is a special full moon tonight
It looks as if the sky's alight
The man up there is smiling down
(https://yoursmiles.org/tsmile/moon/t114010.gif)
There is a special full moon tonight
It looks as if the sky's alight
The man up there is smiling down
As I gaze up in my dressing gown
There is a special full moon tonight
It looks as if the sky's alight
The man up there is smiling down
As I gaze up in my dressing gown
Everything looks bright !
Jessie put the pound in the church fund box :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:
Jessie put the pound in the church fund box
The vicar used it to buy new socks
Jessie put the pound in the church fund box
The vicar used it to buy new socks
God was angry with him
Jessie put the pound in the church fund box
The vicar used it to buy new socks
God was angry with him
Which meant his future would be grim
Jessie put the pound in the church fund box
The vicar used it to buy new socks
God was angry with him
Which meant his future would be grim
And he would be cursed with the pox.
*
Ethel's went to visit her friend today
Ethel went to visit her friend today
But she forgot the road and lost her way
Ethel went to visit her friend today
But she forgot the road and lost her way
So she sat in the park
(Apologies Alex, I had missed a word out, so put it in later).
Ethel went to visit her friend today
But she forgot the road and lost her way
So she sat in the park
Until way after dark
Ethel went to visit her friend today
But she forgot the road and lost her way
So she sat in the park
Until way after dark
Til a neighbour found her who knew where she stayed.
XxxxxxxxxxxxX
Maggie said 'it's fish for tea'
Maggie said 'it's fish for tea'
Sardines for you and salmon for me
Maggie said 'it's fish for tea'
Sardines for you and salmon for me
Can I have scampi?
Maggie said 'It's fish for tea'
Sardines for you and salmon for me
Can I have scampi?
If you say 'Please' ...maybe
Maggie said 'It's fish for tea'
Sardines for you and salmon for me
Can I have scampi?
If you say 'Please' ...maybe
With tartare sauce and chips and peas.
**************
Maude cooked bangers and mash for tea
Maude cooked bangers and mash for tea
Reggie complained they weren't fat free
Maude cooked bangers and mash for tea
Reggie complained they weren't fat free
She told him 'next time you can cook'
Maude cooked bangers and mash for tea
Reggie complained they weren't fat free
She told him 'next time you can cook'
He scowled and skulked off seeking a cookery book
Maude cooked bangers and mash for tea
Reggie complained they weren't fat free
She told him 'Next time you can cook'
He scowled and skulked off seeking a cookery book
He found one by a guy called Jamie
Derek's knee was dodgy and so was his hip
Derek's knee was dodgy and so was his hip
So he sat by the fire with a Brandy to sip
Derek's knee was dodgy and so was his hip
So he sat by the fire with a Brandy to sip
But the pain got worse!
Derek's knee was dodgy and so was his hip
So he sat by the fire with a Brandy to sip
But the pain got worse!
And he started to curse
Derek's knee was dodgy and so was his hip
So he sat by the fire with a brandy to sip
But the pain got worse !
And he started to curse
It was giving him plenty of gyp
Davey went line dancing at the community hall
With his stetson, boots and pistols, he felt ten feet tall
Davey went line dancing at the community hall
With his stetson, boots and pistols, he felt ten feet tall
Well until he trod on poor Daisy Duke's toes
Who cursed like a trooper and walloped his nose
Davey went line dancing at the community hall
With his stetson, boots and pistols, he felt ten feet tall
Well until he trod on poor Daisy Duke's toes
Who cursed like a trooper and walloped his nose
So the next week, instead he went to a ball.
* * *
The bus didn't come, and Steve was feeling cold
The bus didn't come, and Steve was feeling cold
He'd waited half an hour, too long for someone old
The bus didn't come and Steve was feeling cold
He waited half an hour, too long for someone old
Poor Steve was standing at the wrong stop
The bus he wanted was given the chop
The bus didn't come and Steve was feeling cold
He waited half an hour, too long for someone old
Poor Steve was standing at the wrong stop
The bus he wanted was given the chop
Luckily his shoes were well soled
Steve stomped off in a bit of a mood
That missing bus left him well screwed
He'd been on his way to a red hot date
Steve stomped off in a bit of a mood
That missing bus left him well screwed
He'd been on his way to a red hot date
He knew hot lips Rita would not wait
Steve stomped off in a bit of a mood
That missing bus left him well screwed
He'd been on his way to a red hot date
He knew hot lips Rita would not wait
She'd easily find some alternate dude
Rita spotted rich boy Vlad
Sadly old enough to be her dad
Rita spotted rich boy Vlad
Old enough to be her dad
She thought that she'd get in there quick
Before some other gold digging chick
Rita spotted rich boy Vlad
Old enough to be her dad
She thought that she'd get in there quick
Before some other gold digging chick
Then found he was her long-lost Grandad! :grin:
* * *
When Barry went down on one knee
When Barry went down on one knee
Beryl thought he'd just dropped his key
When Barry went down on one knee
Beryl thought he'd just dropped his key
So she got down too!
When Barry went down on one knee
Beryl thought he'd just dropped his key
So she got down too!
With a puff, and a 'phew'
She landed far too heavily!
But Baz wasn't put off at all
Cos Beryl had him totally in thrall
But Baz wasn't put off at all
Because Beryl had him totally in thrall
He asked for her hand whilst down on the floor
But Baz wasn't put off at all
Because Beryl had him totally in thrall
He asked for her hand whilst down on the floor
Then kissed her, but she asked for more
But Baz wasn't put off at all
Because Beryl had him totally in thrall
He asked for her hand whilst down on the floor
Then kissed her, but she asked for more
So they made passionate love along the hall
There once was a farmer from Leeds
There once was a farmer from Leeds
A kind man, always doing good deeds
There once was a farmer from Leeds
A kind man, always doing good deeds
An occasional leek, a spud or two
A bit of manure on flowers that grew
There once was a farmer from Leeds
A kind man, always doing good deeds
An occasional leek, a spud or two
A bit of manure on flowers that grew
He was also known for spreading his seed 😲
***************
For the yearly village vegetable show
George had grown a huge marrow
For the yearly village vegetable show
George had grown a huge marrow
He guarded it with pride
For the yearly village vegetable show
George had grown a huge marrow
He guarded it with pride
But when he turned it on it's side
For the yearly village vegetable show
George had grown a huge marrow
He guarded it with pride
But when he turned it on it's side
Engraved was - "You're not going to win y'know."
*
Poor George then burst into tears
Poor George then burst into tears
There goes the work of years 😥
Poor George then burst into tears
There goes the work of years 😥
"I'll get me Pumpkin instead"
Poor George then burst into tears
There goes the work of years 😥
"I'll get me Pumpkin instead"
It's the size of my head
It'll win the first prize, have no fear! 🏆
***********
Fred was in the Co-op, looking for bread
Fred was in the Co-op, looking for bread
'Get a large one' wife Edith had said
Fred was in the Co-op looking for bread
'Get a large one' wife Edith had said
There was white, brown, seeded and plain
So many choices.Oh! such a pain
Fred was in the Co-op looking for bread
'Get a large one' wife Edith had said
There was white, brown, seeded and plain
So many choices.Oh! such a pain
Her shopping list hurt his head!
Fred looked at the list once more
Fred looked at the list once more
Where is the milk? His head was sore
Fred looked at the list once more
Where is the milk? His head was sore
Ah there it is at the back of the shop
Now had she said blue or green top
Fred looked at the list once more
Where is the milk? His head was sore
Ah there it is at the back of the shop
Now had she said blue or green top
There is Almond, Soya, and Goats. What a chore
Ethel burped loud after drinking a coke
Ethel burped loud after drinking a coke
You should've heard her~ just like a bloke!
Ethel burped loud after drinking a coke
You should've heard her~ just like a bloke!
Just as noisy with bottom burps too
Ethel burped loud after drinking a coke
You should've heard her~ just like a bloke!
Just as noisy with bottom burps too
In fact, so loud, one blew off her shoe!
Ethel burped loud after drinking a coke
You should've heard her~ just like a bloke!
Just as noisy with bottom burps too
In fact, so loud, one blew off her shoe!
With incontinence pants it could be just a croak
You'll never believe what I saw on the news
You'll never believe what I saw on the news
The budget will stop all the pensioners' blues
You'll never believe what I saw on the news
The budget will stop all the pensioners' blues
Free electric , free gas and toy boys galore
You'll never believe what I saw on the news
The budget will stop all the pensioners' blues
Free electric , free gas and toy boys galore
Free Uber taxis who could want more
You'll never believe what I saw on the news
The budget will stop all the pensioners' blues
Free electric , free gas and toy boys galore
Free Uber taxis who could want more
Madge was so excited she just blew a fuse.
Dr. Foster took Madge under his wing
Dr. Foster took Madge under his wing
Then all of a sudden she heard a loud 'Ping'
Dr. Foster took Madge under his wing
Then all of a sudden she heard a loud 'Ping'
Her knicker elastic could not take the strain
Dr. Foster took Madge under his wing
Then all of a sudden she heard a loud 'Ping'
Her knicker elastic could not take the strain
And the smile on her face began to wane
Doctor Foster took Madge under his wing
Then all of a sudden she heard a loud 'Ping'
Her knicker elastic could not take the strain
And the smile on her face began to wane
She scooped up her drawers, on his head she did fling
When Reg sat down in the dentists chair
When Reg sat down in the dentists chair
He was given a pair of goggles to wear
When Reg sat down in the dentists chair
He was given a pair of goggles to wear
But he couldn't see a thing!
When Reg sat down in the dentists chair
He was given a pair of goggles to wear
But he couldn't see a thing!
Then the hygienist began to sing
Reg thought he was having a nightmare
************
Eddie went to the local A&E
He'd been stung on the bum by a bee
Eddie went to the local A&E
He'd been stung on the bum by a bee
The nurse said 'Pull your trousers down'
Eddie went to the local A&E
He'd been stung on the bum by a bee
The nurse said 'Pull your trousers down'
He did, with a blush and a frown
Eddie went to the local A&E
He'd been stung on the bum by a bee
The nurse said 'Pull your trousers down'
He did, with a blush and a frown
And a huge sore bum she did see.
Nurse called for the doctor to come
To see the big sting on Ed's bum
Nurse called for the doctor to come
To see the big sting on Ed's bum
He laughed til he cried!
Nurse called for the doctor to come
To see the big sting on his bum
He laughed til he cried !
Then all the staff were at his side
Nurse called for the doctor to come
To see the big sting on his bum
He laughed til he cried !
Then all the staff were at his side
When they saw another one on his tum.
*
When Bert sat in the Barber's chair
Annie enquired how he'd like his hair
When Bert sat in the barber's chair
Annie enquired how he'd like his hair
A mullet was his first request
When Bert sat in the barber's chair
Annie enquired how he'd like his hair
A mullet was his first request
But first, dyed green would look the best
When Bert sat in the barbers chair
Annie enquired how he'd like his hair
A mullet was his first request
But first, dyed green would look the best
He was doing it all for a ten pound dare
Enid invited her friends for tea
Betty, Wilma, and George, maybe
Enid invited her friends for tea
Betty, Wilma, and George, maybe
Out came the scones with cream and jam
And slices of the leanest ham
Enid invited her friends for tea
Betty, Wilma, and George, maybe
Out came the scones with cream and jam
And slices of the leanest ham
George didn't come so just those three
What happened to George? Betty asked
What happened to George? Betty asked
"He's just late, he is always the last"
What happened to George? Betty asked
'He's just late, he is always the last'
'Well he won't get a scone..
Wilma's just scoffed the last one'
What happened to George Betty ? asked
'He's just late, he is always the last'
'Well he won't get a scone..
Willma's just scoffed the last one
And the paste sarni's are disappearing fast'
Rita had a face lift and everything was raised
Rita had a face lift and everything was raised
Her startling new appearance left everyone amazed
Rita had a face lift and everything was raised
Her startling new appearance left everyone amazed
Her wrinkles gone, her lips puffed up
She struggled drinking from a cup
Rita had a face lift and everything was raised
Her startling new appearance left everyone amazed
Her wrinkles gone, her lips puffed up
She struggled drinking from a cup
And her purple eyes were glazed
Brenda lost her bus pass
Brenda lost her bus pass
Stuck in town, she had no cash
Brenda lost her bus pass
Stuck in town, she had no cash
She hitched her skirt and thumbed a ride
Brenda lost her bus pass
Stuck in town , she had no cash
She hitched her skirt and thumbed a ride
Charlie in his old banger.. said 'Step inside'
Brenda lost her bus pass
Stuck in town , she had no cash
She hitched her skirt and thumbed a ride
Charlie in his old banger.. said 'Step inside'
He gave her a smirk, and smoothed his moustache.
*
But Charlie drove the opposite way
But Charlie drove the opposite way
Brenda was nervous as he started to sway
But Charlie drove the opposite way
Brenda was nervous as he started to sway
With the radio on
He sang her a song
But Charlie drove the opposite way
Brenda was nervous as he started to sway
With the radio on
He sang her a song
Such A Night by Johnny Ray
Charlie was a bingo caller on Friday nights
Charlie was a bingo caller on Friday nights
He tested his mic, and turned up the lights
Charlie was a bingo caller on Friday nights
He tested his mic, and turned up the lights
Two little ducks.. Quack, Quack.
Charlie was a bingo caller on Friday nights
He tested his mic, and turned up the lights
Two little ducks.. Quack, Quack.
All was well, just his balls to unpack
Charlie was a bingo caller on Friday nights
He tested his mic, and turned up the lights
Two little ducks.. Quack, Quack.
All was well, just his balls to unpack
Not the easiest process when wearing sparkly tights!
Halloween, Jimmy dressed in a mask and tights
Halloween, Jimmy dressed in a mask and tights
Hoping to give Sister Imelda a fright
Halloween, Jimmy dressed in a mask and tights
Hoping to give Sister Imelda a fright
He thought he looked quite scary
When he jumped out at Mother Mary
Halloween, Jimmy dressed in a mask and tights
Hoping to give Sister Imelda a fright
He thought he looked quite scary
When he jumped out at Mother Mary
But Mother Mary had seen the light
While Maisie was walking her dog
While Maisie was walking her dog
She slipped and fell into a bog 🤯
While Maisie was walking her dog
She slipped and fell into a bog
The dog looked around to see where she'd gone
But there was no-one there on the spot she was on
While Maisie was walking her dog
She slipped and fell into a bog
The dog looked around to see where she'd gone
But there was no-one there on the spot she was on
Just a twisted and gnarled old log.
The sun was setting and the night grew colder
The sun was setting and the night grew colder
Ted whispered sweet nothings but just got the cold shoulder
The sun was setting and the night grew colder
Ted whispered sweet nothings but just got the cold shoulder
He thought he'd give Maggie a big warming kiss
The sun was setting and the night grew colder
Ted whispered sweet nothings but just got the cold shoulder
He thought he'd give Maggie a big warming kiss
Think again sunshine she said in a hiss
The sun was setting and the night grew colder
Ted whispered sweet nothings but just got the cold shoulder
He thought he'd give Maggie a big warming kiss
Think again sunshine she said in a hiss
Poor Ted to win her over, he must be bolder
When Bertie went out to 'Trick or Treat'
When Bertie went out to 'Trick or Treat'
He started off down Gertie's street
When Bertie went out to 'Trick or Treat'
He started off down Gertie's street
He straightened his wig and tapped her door
When Bertie went out to 'Trick or Treat'
He started off down Gertie's street
He straightened his wig and tapped her door
When she saw him she fell on the floor
When Bertie went out to 'Trick or Treat'
He started off down Gertie's street
He straightened his wig and tapped her door
When she saw him she fell to the floor
No scarier monster could she meet
Bertie gave her the 'Kiss of Life'
Bertie gave her the 'Kiss of Life'
Keeping a wary eye out for his wife
Gertie revived and hugged him tight
Bertie gave her the 'Kiss of Life'
Keeping a wary eye out for his wife
Gertie revived and hugged him tight
Should he snog her- he thought he might
Bertie gave her the 'Kiss of Life'
Keeping a wary eye out for his wife
Gertie revived and hugged him tight
Should he snog her- he thought he might
Then off home to his 'Trouble and Strife'
Eddy made a big Guy for firework night
Eddy made a big Guy for firework night
He should have bought the mask but was too tight
Eddy made a big Guy for firework night
He should have bought the mask but was too tight
He painted an old football, used it for the head
Eddy made a big Guy for firework night
He should have bought the mask but was too tight
He painted an old football, used it for the head
Then sat him on a mattress like he was in bed
Eddy made a big Guy for firework night
He should have bought the mask but was too tight
He painted an old football, used it for the head
Then sat him on a mattress like he was in bed
When Elsie came to bed she got an awful fright.
Old Wilfred sat in his rocking chair
Old Wilfred sat in his rocking chair
He had no teeth, he had no hair
Old Wilfred sat in his rocking chair
He had no teeth, he had no hair
He read his paper and gave a grunt
Old Wilfred sat in his rocking chair
He had no teeth, he had no hair
He read his paper and gave a grunt
How could anyone vote for Trump !
Old Wilfred sat in his rocking chair
He had no teeth, he had no hair
He read his paper and gave a grunt
How could anyone vote for Trump !
'He's a daft old sod I do declare'
Saddie had a nose job it cost her a few bob
Sadie had a nose job it cost her a few bob
Where once she'd had a beak, now she has a blob
Sadie had a nose job it cost her a few bob
Where once she'd had a beak, now she has a blob
Only thing is, it drips day and night
Sadie had a nose job it cost her a few bob
Where once she'd had a beak, now she has a blob
Only thing is, it drips day and night
It really is a fright 🤯
Sadie had a nose job it cost her a few bob
Where once she'd had a beak, now she has a blob
Only thing is, it drips day and night
It really is a fright 🤯
And makes her feel like a slob.
* * * *
(https://yoursmiles.org/tsmile/salut/t9307.gif)
Well it's firework night once again
Well it's firework night once again
The bangers and rockets really are a pain
Well it's firework night once again
The bangers and rockets really are a pain
There were some huge bangs tonight
Gave me such a fright
Well it's firework night once again
The bangers and rockets really are a pain
There were some huge bangs tonight
Gave me such a fright
Made me wish it would pour with rain 🌧
In the afternoons, Ed liked a snooze
In the afternoons, Ed liked a snooze
Better still a good old smooze
Elsie being his current squeeze
In the afternoons, Ed liked a snooze
Better still a good old smooze
Elsie being his current squeeze
Cuddled up and was such a tease
In the afternoons, Ed liked a snooze
Better still a good old smooze
Elsie being his current squeeze
Cuddled up and was such a tease
What were his chances? He needed clues.
The door swung open with a bump
Ed's wife Enid which made him jump
The door swung open with a bump
Ed's wife Enid which made him jump
She said, "What the hell?!"
The door swung open with a bump
Ed's wife Enid which made him jump
She said, "What the hell?!"
Elsie said jump in as well
The door swung open with a bump
Ed's wife Enid which made him jump
She said 'What the hell ?!'
Elsie said jump in as well
But Enid just got the hump
Enid pushed Elsie out the door
Then clouted Ed til his head was sore
Enid pushed Elsie out the door
Then clouted Ed til his head was sore
The neighbours called the fuzz
Enid pushed Elsie out the door
Then clouted Ed til his head was sore
The neighbours called the fuzz
But it gave Ed a buzz
Enid pushed Elsie out the door
Then clouted Ed til his head was sore
The neighbours called the fuzz
But it gave Ed a buzz
He was actually begging for more.
Bonfire night went off with a bang 🔥
Bonfire night went off with a bang 🔥
We held our party with the usual gang
Bonfire night went off with a bang
We held our party with the usual gang
And a bloke who's name was Guy
Sat on the bonfire way up high
Bonfire night went off with a bang
We held our party with the usual gang
And a bloke who's name was Guy
Sat on the bonfire way up high
As his braces burst with a twang.
*
They were digging up the road outside
They were digging up the road outside
'My Alfie's down there' Ethel cried
They were digging up the road outside
'My Alfie's down there' Ethel cried
He won't like being disturbed !
They were digging up the road outside
'My Alfie's down there' Ethel cried
He won't like being disturbed !
In fact, he'll feel most perturbed
They were digging up the road outside
'My Alfie's down there' Ethel cried
He won't like being disturbed!
In fact , he'll feel most perturbed
It's the place he goes to hide
Barry played piano at the village hall
Barry played piano at the village hall
Sometimes accompanied by his mate, Paul
Barry played piano at the village hall
Sometimes accompanied by his mate, Paul
At Christmas they'd sing carols
Barry played piano at the village hall
Sometimes accompanied by his mate, Paul
At Christmas they'd sing carols
With Maggie on drums, which are Daryl's
Barry played piano at the village hall
Sometimes accompanied by his mate, Paul
At Christmas they'd sing carols
With Maggie on drums, which are Daryl's
Then all join in the traditional brawl
No wonder they call it the village bash
No wonder they call it the village bash
The farmers and the incomers really clash
No wonder they call it the village bash
The farmers and the incomers really clash
The vicar gives them all down the banks
Telling them they should give thanks
No wonder they call it the village bash
The farmers and the incomers really clash
The vicar gives them all down the banks
Telling them they should give thanks
Get on, and not behave like trash
The Parish council couldn't agree
Where to put the Christmas tree
The Parish council couldn't agree
Where to put the Christmas tree
By the Library, or the Market Square
The Parish council couldn't agree
Where to put the Christmas tree
By the library, or the Market Square
On the Co-op roof !! they could stick it up there
The Parish council couldn't agree
Where to put the Christmas tree
By the library, or the Market Square
On the Co-op roof !! they could stick it up there
Fire brigade would do it for free !
A Santa Klaus job was in the paper
A Santa Klaus job was in the paper
Barry thought it could be quite a caper
A Santa Klaus job was in the paper
Barry thought it could be quite a caper
He had the beard, his tum was round
A Santa Klaus job was in the paper
Barry thought it could be quite a caper
He had the beard, his tum was round
He applied ! In for a penny in for a pound
A Santa Klaus job was in the paper
Barry thought it could be quite a caper
He had the beard, his tum was round
He applied ! In for a penny in for a pound
They turned him down, he was a heavy vaper.
**************
Bill was addicted to the TV news
Bill was addicted to the TV news
Even though it gave him the terrible blues
Bill was addicted to the TV news
Even though it gave him the terrible blues
Then he found he couldn't sleep 😴
Bill was addicted to the TV news
Even though it gave him the terrible blues
Then he found he couldn't sleep 😴
In spite of hours counting sheep
Bill was addicted to the TV news
Sadly every broadcast brought on the blues
That Donald Trump was coming back
Dunno what you've done there Klondy :nooo:
Bill was addicted to the TV news
Even though it gave him the terrible blues
Then he found he couldn't sleep 😴
In spite of hours counting sheep
So maybe it was time for him to change his views
Klondy made a booboo on the Limerick thread 😆
Klondy made a booboo on the Limerick thread 😆
Perhaps not fully awake, probably still in bed
Klondy made a booboo on the Limerick thread 😆
Perhaps not fully awake, probably still in bed
Still, it gave us all a laugh 🤣
Klondy made a booboo on the Limerick thread 😆
Perhaps not fully awake, probably still in bed
Still, it gave us all a laugh 🤣
So rare for that genius to make a gaffe
Klondy made a booboo on the Limerick thread
Perhaps not fully awake, probably still in bed
Still, it gave us all a laugh :grin:
So rare for that genius to make a gaffe
'A genius' !! :grin: :grin: :grin: That's what he said
What would you like from Santa this year
What would you like from Santa this year
Winning lottery numbers would bring me cheer
What would you like from Santa this year
Winning lottery numbers would bring me cheer
Be careful what you wish for
What would you like from Santa this year
Winning lottery numbers would bring me cheer
Be careful what you wish for
But there 'aint no fun in being poor
What would you like from Santa this year
Winning lottery numbers would bring me cheer
Be careful what you wish for
But there 'aint no fun in being poor
But we'll all survive, have no fear.
*
Fred went out to place his bet
Fred went out to place his bet
His last horse though is not home yet
Fred went out to place his bet
His last horse though is not home yet
He thought it was a thoroughbred
But he'd backed a donkey, poor old Fred
Fred went out to place his bet
His last horse though is not home yet
He thought it was a thoroughbred
But he'd backed a donkey, poor old Fred
And now he'll have to find a 'Room to Let.'
*
November 09, 2024, 11:34:49 AM
When Bernie nodded off in his chair
When Bernie nodded off in his chair
He awoke to find his pipe had scorched his hair
When Bernie nodded off in his chair
He awoke to find his pipe had scorched his hair"Yikes!!" he cried!- Quote (https://letschat.club/index.php?action=post;quote=124865;topic=3049)
When Bernie nodded off in his chair
He awoke to find his pipe had scorched his hair
"Yikes!!" he cried!
My head's been fried!
When Bernie nodded off in his chair
He awoke to find his pipe had scorched his hair
'Yikes!!' he cried!
My heads been fried
'I haven't got much left up there'
So Bernie went out and bought himself a wig
So Bernie went out and bought himself a wig
To look less like Lammy, the big fat pig
So Bernie went out and bought himself a wig
To look less like Lammy, the big fat pig
It was blonde and shaggy, similar to Boris
But Bernie couldn't rock it, he looked a proper Doris
So Bernie went out and bought himself a wig
To look less like Lammy, the big fat pig
It was blonde and shaggy, similar to Boris
But Bernie couldn't rock it, he looked a proper Doris
So he sat back down and had a good swig.
*
While watering her plants one day
While watering her plants one day
A thought occurred to Daisy May
While watering her plants one day
A thought occurred to Daisy May
She'd taken a fancy to Joe next door
While watering her plants one day
A thought occurred to Daisy May
She'd taken a fancy to Joe next door
She'd seen his head.. nothing more
While watering her plants one day
A thought occurred to Daisy May
She'd taken a fancy to Joe next door
She'd seen his head.. nothing more
But so distinguished with his locks of grey
Joe was out pruning his floribunda rose
Daisy sneakily eyed him from head to toes
Joe was out pruning his floribunda rose
Daisy sneakily eyed him from head to toes
She hid in a big bush and peeked between the leaves
Joe was out pruning his floribunda rose
Daisy sneakily eyed him from head to toes
She hid in a big bush and peeked between the leaves
Admiring the muscles rippling under his sleeves
Joe was out pruning his floribunda rose
Daisy sneakily eyed him from head to toes
She hid in a big bush and peeked between the leaves
Admiring the muscles rippling under his sleeves
But then she was put of by his wetly dripping nose..🥴
**************
Daisy decided to go to the shops
Daisy decided to go to the shops
She went to buy some nice lamb chops
Daisy decided to go to the shops
She went to buy some nice lamb chops
A bottle of plonk for a special treat
The offy her next stop at the end of the street
Daisy decided to go to the shops
She went to buy some nice lamb chops
A bottle of plonk for a special treat
The offy her next stop at the end of the street
Then home to watch an old Top of the Pops.
*************
Daisy had been a dancer, back in the day
Daisy had been a dancer, back in the day
Some of the dances followed by a roll on the hay
Daisy had been a dancer, back in the day
Some of the dances followed by a roll on the hay
She'd danced once on Broadway
Daisy had been a dancer, back in the day
Some of the dances followed by a roll on the hay
She'd danced once on Broadway
On the street ,I might say
Daisy had been a dancer, back in the day
Some of the dances followed by a roll on the hay
She'd danced once on Broadway
On the street, I might say
Daisy had memories you can't take away
Brenda got a part in a TV Soap
Brenda got a part in a TV Soap
She wanted to be a star, and lived in hope
Brenda got a part in a TV soap
She wanted to be a star, and lived in hope
She walked down the market in Peckham town
Brenda got a part in a TV soap
She wanted to be a star, and lived in hope
She had to walked down the market in Peckham town
Where Del-Boy and Rodney were flogging mobiles for a pound
Brenda got a part in a TV soap
She wanted to be a star, and lived in hope
She had to walked down the market in Peckham town
Where Del-Boy and Rodney were flogging mobiles for a pound
And she got so busy she could barely cope.
November 11, 2024, 11:27:04 PM
Den fancied a game of Poole
Den fancied a game of pool
But he didn't understand the rules
Den fancied a game of pool
But he didn't understand the rules
He didn't know how to hold the stick
Den fancied a game of pool
But he didn't understand the rules
He didn't know how to hold the stick
Ended up looking a bit of a ' mick' (apologies to any Irish members :grin: )
Den fancied a game of pool
But he didn't understand the rules
He didn't know how to hold the stick
Ended up looking a bit of a ' mick'
And everyone said he's a fool.
*
The washing was blowing on the line
The washing was blowing on the line
Annie's knickers were drying fine
Quote from: Scrumpy on November 12, 2024, 06:54:47 PMThe washing was blowing on the line
Annie's knickers were drying fine
Then the sun went in and the rain came down
The washing was blowing on the line
Annie's knickers were drying fine
Then the sun went in and the rain came down
She grabbed her drawers with a curse and a frown
The washing was blowing on the line
Annie's knickers were drying fine
The sun went in and the rain came down
She grabbed her drawers with a curse and a frown
Quickly put them on and went out for a wine
Annie should have checked those drawers
They were too tight and causing sores
Annie should have checked those drawers
They were too tight and causing sores
She slipped them off into her bag
Then nipped out for a crafty fag
Annie should have checked those drawers
They were too tight and causing sores
She slipped them off into her bag
Then nipped out for a crafty fag
Where a breeze lifted her skirts to cheers galore
Annie is facing a night in jail
Annie is facing a night in jail
She's hoping they let her out on bail
Annie is facing a night in jail
She's hoping they let her out on bail
Charged with flashing and wearing no drawers
Annie is facing a night in jail
She's hoping they let her out on bail
Charged with flashing and wearing no drawers
Poor Annie has really been through the wars
Annie is facing a night in jail
She's hoping they let her out on bail
Charged with flashing and wearing no drawers
Poor Annie has really been through the wars
She looks quite sick, she's turned quite pale
***************
The police took pity on the poor old dear
The police took pity on the poor old dear
Even let her have a small glass of beer
The police took pity on the poor old dear
Even let her have a small glass of beer
What she needed was some new smalls
The police took pity on the poor old dear
Even let her have a small glass of beer
What she needed was some new smalls
And a felt pen to draw with on the walls
The police took pity on the poor old dear
Even let her have a small glass of beer
What she needed was some new smalls
And a felt pen to draw with on the walls
And to go back home - she made that clear.
Next day they let Annie go free
Next day they let Annie go free
Her son took her home and made her a cup of tea :rolleyes:
Next day they let Annie go free
Her son took her home and made her a cup of tea
A bracelet was put around he foot
And in her home she had to stay put
Next day they let Annie go free
Her son took her home and made her a cup of tea
A bracelet was put around he foot
And in her home she had to stay put
So behaving herself was the key.
When Bernie went fishing with Fred
When Bernie went fishing with Fred
He hooked on to an big old brass bed
When Bernie went fishing with Fred
He hooked on to an big old brass bed
No fish 🐟 on his line
When Bernie went fishing with Fred
He hooked on to an big old brass bed
No fish 🐟 on his line
On which he might dine
Just that filthy and useless bedstead
They decided to try a new bait
Fred didn't have long to wait
They decided to try a new bait
Fred didn't have long to wait
He hooked a big Pike
They decided to try a new bait
Fred didn't have long to wait
He hooked a big Pike
'Twas a really good strike
They decided to try a new bait
Fred didn't have long to wait
He hooked a big Pike
'Twas a really good strike
Which made Bernie jealous of his mate
Geoff got up, then went back to bed
Geoff got up, then went back to bed
It was warmer under the covers next to Fred
Geoff got up, then went back to bed
It was warmer under the covers next to Fred
They munched on some toast, and cups of tea
Geoff got up, then went back to bed
It was warmer under the covers next to Fred
They munched on some toast, and cups of tea
Hoping Bernie wouldn't blunder in and see
Geoff got up, then went back to bed
It was warmer under the covers next to Fred
They munched on some toast, and cups of tea
Hoping Bernie wouldn't blunder in and see
Them dining on his tea and bread.
ZzzzzzzzzzzzzZ
It's freezing out, there may be snow
Tonight, tomorrow, I don't know
It's freezing out, there may be snow
Tonight, tomorrow, I don't know
I'll build a snowman, call him Ben
It's freezing out, there may be snow
Tonight, tomorrow, I don't know
I'll build a snowman, call him Ben
Along with his friend who I'll call Sven
It's freezing out, there may be snow
Tonight, tomorrow, I don't know
I'll build a snowman, call him Ben
Along with his friend who I'll call Sven
And if there's enough, another called Flo.
* * * * * * * * *
While sat in the Waiting Room one day
While sat in the Waiting Room one day
A stranger said 'Come this way'
He said he was my doctor and was I feeling sick
I was on crutches.. Was he taking the Mick !
While sat in the Waiting Room one day
A stranger said 'Come this way'
He said he was my doctor and was I feeling sick
I was on crutches.. Was he taking the Mick !
Or did he think I was easy pray?
This morning I looked out and I saw snow
This morning I looked out and I saw snow
And a cold Northerly wind doth blow
This morning I looked out and I saw snow
And a cold Northerly wind doth blow
For an extra hour I stayed in bed
This morning I looked out and I saw snow
And a cold Northerly wind doth blow
For an extra hour I stayed in bed
A soft pillow that rested my head
This morning I looked out and I saw snow
And a cold Northerly wind doth blow
For an extra hour I stayed in bed
A soft pillow that rested my head
When I do arise I'll be taking things slow
Nature calls I must arise
Nature calls I must arise
Bathroom is cold that's no surprise
Nature calls I must arise
Bathroom is cold that's no surprise
Just the three 'fs' at the bathroom sink
Nature calls I must arise
Bathroom is cold that's no surprise
Just the three 'fs' at the bathroom sink
Hoping new soap doesn't stink
Nature calls I must arise
Bathroom is cold that's no surprise
Just the three 'fs' at the bathroom sink
Hoping new soap doesn't stink
Oops, it stings, it's in my eyes!
**********
We're having something hot for tea
Stew and mash, carrots and peas
We're having something hot for tea
Stew and mash, carrots and peas
What time shall I come over then ?
We're having something hot for tea
Stew and mash, carrots and peas
What time shall I come over then ?
And is it ok if I bring my friend?
We're having something hot for tea
Stew and mash, carrots and peas
What time shall I come over then ?
And is it ok if I bring my friend ?
Oh! Please , please let it be me.
While watching Ant & Dec on the telly
While watching Ant & Dec on the telly
I got a call from a man in Pwllheli
While watching Ant & Dec on the telly
I got a call from a man in Pwllheli
About a service for my washer
I didn't think that he was kosher
While watching Ant & Dec on the telly
I got a call from a man in Pwllheli
About a service for my washer
I didn't think that he was kosher
He called himself Mr. Kelly.
* * * * * *
Its so cold and icy this morn
It's so cold and icy this morn
I need a new coat this one is well worn
It's so cold and icy this morn
I need a new coat this one is well worn
A furry one with a fluffy hood
It's so cold and icy this morn
I need a new coat this one is well worn
A furry one with a fluffy hood
Gloves attached would be good :grin:
It's so cold and icy this morn
I need a new coat this one is well worn
A furry one with a fluffy hood
Gloves attached would be good (https://letschat.club/Smileys/klondike/grinning-face-with-smiling-eyes_9601.png)
The charity shop had one but the pocket was torn
Better than nothing some folk would say
Better than nothing some folk would say
In fact it was a really nice shade of Grey
Better than nothing some folk would say
In fact it was a really nice shade of Grey
It didn't fit it was too long,
A pity, as it was going for a song,
At a price I would be pleased to pay.
************
I spent the cash on books and a hat
I spent the cash on books and a hat
Cost me a fiver ~ what d'you think about that!
I spent the cash on books and a hat
Cost me a fiver ~ what d'you think about that!
For just a fiver, that's not bad
I spent the cash on books and a hat
Cost me a fiver ~ what d'you think about that!
For just a fiver, that's not bad
I don't feel like I've been had
And the money will go to help stray cats
************
Ronnie went shopping for food and wine
Ronnie went shopping for food and wine
His lady friend was vsiting and he felt so fine
Ronnie went shopping for food and wine
His lady friend was vsiting and he felt so fine
He decided on a good strong red
Ronnie went shopping for food and wine
His lady friend was visiting and he felt fine
He decided on a good strong red
A couple bottles... then hopefully bed
Ronnie went shopping for food and wine
His lady friend was visiting and he felt fine
He decided on a good strong red
A couple bottles... then hopefully bed
Where he was sure they'd have a good time
The off licence had a queue at the door
The off licence had a queue at the door
There was a broken bottle on the floor
The off licence had a queue at the door
There was a broken bottle on the floor
Everyone was given a drinking straw 'Free'
And a rubber mat to put under their knee
The off licence had a queue at the door
There was a broken bottle on the floor
Everyone was given a drinking straw 'Free'
And a rubber mat to put under their knee
Until they all wanted no more.
*
The sun was out, 'twas a lovely bright day
The sun was out, 'twas a lovely bright day
Frost was sparkling, snow was on the way
The sun was out, 'twas a lovely bright day
Frost was sparkling ,snow was on the way
And Father Christmas will soon be here
The sun was out, 'twas a lovely bright day
Frost was sparkling ,snow was on the way
And Father Christmas will soon be here
I hope he brings some nice gifts my dear
The sun was out, 'twas a lovely bright day
Frost was sparkling ,snow was on the way
And Father Christmas will soon be here
I hope he brings some nice gifts my dear
And love and peace for us all, I say.
* * *
While sat by the fire, all cosy and warm
While sat by the fire, all cosy and warm
My memory went back to holidays in Benidorm
While sat by the fire, all cosy and warm
My memory went back to holidays in Benidorm
I had lovely warm sand under my feet
Now I stare out at nothing but sleet
While sat by the fire, all cosy and warm
My memory went back to holidays in Benidorm
I had lovely warm sand under my feet
Now I stare out at nothing but sleet
And I yearn for the heat 🔥
I've written a letter to Santa today
I've written a letter to Santa today
Told him best place to park his sleigh
I've written a letter to Santa today
Told him best place to park his sleigh
I'll leave him some wine, and a big mince pie
I've written a letter to Santa today
Told him best place to park his sleigh
I'll leave him some wine, and a big mince pie
As a treat before heading back up in the sky
I've written a letter to Santa today
Told him best place to park his sleigh
I'll leave him some wine, and a big mince pie
As a treat before heading back up in the sky
Carrots for his reindeer should help them fly away
**************
I must get up and greet the day
But it's raining, so in bed I'll stay
I must get up and greet the day
But it's raining, so in bed I'll stay
It's raining here too, quite a lot
But I've just popped round to the Co-op
I must get up and greet the day
But it's raining, so in bed I'll stay
It's raining here too, quite a lot
But I've just popped round to the Co-op
I hope you didn't have too much to pay!
*********
Did you get any gossip at the Co-op Scrumpy dear?
Did you get any gossip at the Co-op Scrumpy dear?
Was Tracy flirting with the Brigadier ?
Did you get any gossip at the Co-op Scrumpy dear?
Was Tracy flirting with the Brigadier?
No... Tracy was in a right old hump
She was not happy about Mr Trump
And the Brigadier was nowhere near
Tonight its blowing a gale
Tonight its blowing a gale
Across Scotland, England and Wales
Tonight its blowing a gale
Across Scotland, England and Wales
Bertie's on the prowl
Tonight its blowing a gale
Across Scotland, England and Wales
Bertie's on the prowl
Busting your fences to make you scowl
Tonight its blowing a gale
Across Scotland, England and Wales
Bertie's on the prowl
Busting your fences to make you scowl
Got everything held down with nails.
*
Fred pulled up a Parsnip for dinner
A big one, it looked a real winner
Fred pulled up a parsnip for dinner
A big one, it looked a real winner
With roasted and mashed spuds
And a home made Yorkshire pud
Fred pulled up a parsnip for dinner
A big one, it looked a real winner
With roasted and mashed spuds
And a home made Yorkshire pud
He knew he'd never get any thinner.
*
'Twas Christmas Eve at the Inn
'Twas Christmas Eve at the Inn
Where Maggie wept quietly over her gin
'Twas Christmas Eve at the Inn
Where Maggie wept quietly over her gin
She had sat and waited
And her tears escalated
Twas Christmas Eve at the Inn
Where Maggie wept quietly over her gin
She had sat and waited
And her tears escalated
As she waited and waited for Jim
Then Mags felt a tap on her shoulder
'Twas a nice looking man, a bit older
Then Mags felt a tap on her shoulder
'Twas a nice looking man, a bit older
She fluttered her lashes and acted all coy
Then Mags felt a tap on her shoulder
'Twas a nice looking man, a bit older
She fluttered her lashes and acted all coy
Then moved in closer to the charming old boy
Then Mags felt a tap on her shoulder
'Twas a nice looking man, a bit older
She fluttered her lashes and acted all coy
Then moved in closer to the charming old boy
Wondering if he might get any bolder
Excuse me my dear the old fellow said
Excuse me my dear the old fella said
May I sit by you. and are you wed ?
Excuse me my dear the old fella said
May I sit by you. and are you wed ?
Maggie could see £ signs before her eyes
Getting to know him could bring a big prize
Excuse me my dear the old fella said
May I sit by you. and are you wed ?
Maggie could see £ signs before her eyes
Getting to know him could bring a big prize
Her future was rosy once she got him in bed
Oh no I am widowed she said with a smile
Oh no I am widowed she said with a smile
Come and sit by me and stay for a while
Oh no I am widowed she said with a smile
Come and sit by me and stay for a while
She wriggled round to make room for him
And soon found out his name was Jim
Oh no I am widowed she said with a smile
Come and sit by me and stay for a while
She wriggled round to make room for him
And soon found out his name was Jim
She popped his name into her mental file
***************
Maggie asked around, Jim was well known
He'd had three wives, seven kids all grown
Maggie asked around, Jim was well known
He'd had three wives, seven kids all grown
So he liked the ladies -
And making babies
Maggie asked around, Jim was well known
He'd had three wives, seven kids all grown
So he liked the ladies -
And making babies
Maggie decided she's better alone.
When Barry was walking his dog
When Barry was walking his dog
A fearsome shape loomed in the fog
When Barry was walking his dog
A fearsome shape loomed in the fog
When big Beryl was walking her dog
A fearsome shape loomed in the fog
Beryl fainted, Barry did too but the dogs had a little snog
The Christmas Tree stood in the square
The Christmas Tree stood in the square
There were no lights, the branches were bare
The Christmas Tree stood in the square
There were no lights, the branches were bare
Then an Angel saw the poor sad tree
Put a star on top and lights for free
The Christmas Tree stood in the square
There were no lights, the branches were bare
Then an Angel saw the poor sad tree
Put a star on top and lights for free
So lovely, folks would stop and stare.
************
Eddie wanted to get really fit
Eddie wanted to get really fit
As all day long he would just sit
Eddie wanted to get really fit
As all day long he would just sit
He went along to the local gym
Afraid they may just laugh at him
Eddie wanted to get really fit
As all day long he would just sit
He went along to the local gym
Afraid they may just laugh at him
He took along his fat friend Mick
He took along his fat friend Mick
Who was so hopeless he felt a dick
He took along his fat friend Mick
Who was so hopeless he felt a dick
They got measured and weighed
But the results were delayed
He took along his fat friend Mick
Who was so hopeless he felt a dick
They got measured and weighed
But the results were delayed
Because the scales were all in Metric
In the queue a bloke trod on my toe
In the queue a bloke trod on my toe
I said, "Mate, that hurt, you'd better go!"
In the queue a bloke trod on my toe
I said, "Mate, that hurt, you'd better go!"
He turned and slowly raised his fist
In the queue a bloke trod on my toe
I said, "Mate, that hurt, you'd better go!"
He turned and slowly raised his fist
I reached up and grabbed his wrist
In the queue a bloke trod on my toe
I said, "Mate, that hurt, you'd better go!"
He turned and slowly raised his fist
I reached up and grabbed his wrist
Then gave him a Chinese burn real slow.
Josh sat in the cafe, reading his book
Josh sat in the cafe, reading his book
A blue eyed blonde gave him a distant look....
Josh sat in a cafe, reading his book
A blue eyed Blonde gave him a distant look
A dark skinned lady did the same
We must include all colours in this game
Josh sat in a cafe, reading his book
A blue eyed Blonde gave him a distant look
A dark skinned lady did the same
We must include all colours in this game
But alas he was in love with the Cook.
*
I wrote to Father Christmas last night
I wrote to Father Christmas last night
'Don't come down my chimney, you'll give me a fright!'
I wrote to Father Christmas last night
'Don't come down my chimney, you'll give me a fright!'
I've left the back door on the latch
I wrote to Father Christmas last night
'Don't come down my chimney, you'll give me a fright!'
I've left the back door on the latch
But please don't step in the vegetable patch
I wrote to Father Christmas last night
'Don't come down my chimney, you'll give me a fright!'
I've left the back door on the latch
But please don't step in the vegetable patch
'Cos tread on my Parsnips, you might. :smiley:
I'm fed up with the telly, I'd rather read a book
Now that Bake Off's finished, not bothered to even look
I'm fed up with the telly, I'd rather read a book
Now that Bake Off's finished, not bothered to even look
Well that's not much of a starter for an amusing tale
When I saw those lines I nearly began to wail
I'm fed up with the telly, I'd rather read a book
Now that Bake Off's finished, not bothered to even look
Well that's not much of a starter for an amusing tale
When I saw those lines I nearly began to wail
I want a decent drama, to keep me on the hook.
**************
The neighbours gossiped about poor old Pete
The neighbours gossiped about poor old Pete
He really had the smelliest feet
The neighbours gossiped about poor old Pete
He really had the smelliest feet
The odour crept out under his door
The neighbours gossiped about poor old Pete
He really had the smelliest feet
The odour crept out under his door
**** has something died in there? they swore
The neighbours gossiped about poor old Pete
He really had the smelliest feet
The odour crept out under his door
**** has something died in there? they swore
As it wafted right down the street.
*
Some people said "It's the sewer"
And his visitors got fewer and fewer
Some people said "It's the sewer"
And his visitors got fewer and fewer
He was left all alone
Some people said "It's the sewer"
And his visitors got fewer and fewer
He was left all alone
Pete's house became a no-go zone
Some people said "It's the sewer"
And his visitors got fewer and fewer
He was left all alone
Pete's house became a no-go zone
And we've never said anything truer.
November 30, 2024, 03:01:55 PM
George liked his 10 hours sleep
His good looks he wanted to keep
George liked his 10 hours sleep
His good looks he wanted to keep
So when nextdoor's headboard would squeak
Usually three times a week
George liked his 10 hours sleep
His good looks he wanted to keep
So when nextdoor's headboard would squeak
Usually three times a week
He would be out of his bed in one leap.
He banged on the wall with his stick
He banged on the wall with his stick
They'd surely hear him it wasn't thick
They may have heard but they didn't care
He banged on the wall with his stick
They'd surely hear him it wasn't thick
They may have heard but they didn't care
They were like rabbits on heat over there
He banged on the wall with his stick
They'd surely hear him it wasn't thick
They may have heard but they didn't care
They were like rabbits on heat over there
Or were they just taking the mick?
************
Mary did her shopping on a Thursday every week
Mary did her shopping on a Thursday every week
She liked to take her time, then a coffee she would seek
Mary did her shopping on a Thursday every week
She liked to take her time, then a coffee she would seek
Co-op.. Aldi .. and the Pound Shop she did go
Seeking anything with prices that were low
Mary did her shopping on a Thursday every week
She liked to take her time, then a coffee she would seek
Co-op.. Aldi .. and the Pound Shop she did go
Seeking anything with prices that were low
Through anything discounted, Mary would have a peek
****************
She found bargains, two for ones, and BOGOFs by the score
She found bargains, two for ones, and BOGOFs by the score
And if she was quick enough some free stuff by the door
She found bargains, two for ones, and BOGOFs by the score
And if she was quick enough some free stuff by the door
She filled an enormous bag 🎒
She found bargains, two for ones, and BOGOFs by the score
And if she was quick enough some free stuff by the door
She filled an enormous bag 🎒
The weight of it made her sag but..
She found bargains, two for ones, and BOGOFs by the score
And if she was quick enough some free stuff by the door
She filled an enormous bag 🎒
The weight of it made her sag but..
Still she went back for loads more.
Ivy was looking forward to the pensioners' Christmas do
She'd bought a sparkly top, and some shiny high heeled shoes
Ivy was looking forward to the pensioners' Christmas do
She'd bought a sparkly top, and some shiny high heeled shoes
The 'do' was in the church hall behind St Bede's
And Ivy was expecting a jolly good feed !
Ivy was looking forward to the pensioners' Christmas do
She'd bought a sparkly top, and some shiny high heeled shoes
The ' do' was in the church hall behind St Bede's
And Ivy was expecting a jolly good feed!
And a bit of rump-tumpty with her 'friend' Hugh
Eric pulled a cracker at the old folks 'Do'
Eric pulled a cracker at the old folks 'Do'
Ivy jumped with fright and dashed off to the loo
Eric pulled a cracker at the old folks 'Do'
Ivy jumped with fright and dashed off to the loo
Too late. Soggy draws. She popped them in her bag
Eric pulled a cracker at the old folks 'Do'
Ivy jumped with fright and dashed off to the loo
Too late. Soggy draws. She popped them in her bag
Then went outside to light a fag 🚬
Eric pulled a cracker at the old folks 'Do'
Ivy jumped with fright and dashed off to the loo
Too late. Soggy draws. She popped them in her bag
Then went outside to light a fag 🚬
But someone was lurking - 'twas her old flame, Hugh.
*
"Hi there honey", he said with a wink
"Hi there honey", he said with a wink
"Where've you been, you look in the pink 💕
"Hi there honey", he said with a wink
"Where've you been, you look in the pink 💕
"I've been doing my best to hide from you"
"Hi there honey", he said with a wink
"Where've you been, you look in the pink 💕
"I've been doing my best to hide from you"
And I've had a holiday with my friend Sue
"Hi there honey", he said with a wink
"Where've you been, you look in the pink 💕
"I've been doing my best to hide from you"
And I've had a holiday with my friend Sue
Still now you've here you can buy me a drink
Two hours later I was feeling dandy
After six G&Ts I'd switched to brandy
Two hours later I was feeling dandy
After six G&Ts I'd switched to brandy
Hugh looked well handsome in her eyes
Two hours later I was feeling dandy
After six G&Ts I'd switched to brandy
Hugh looked well handsome in her eyes
And surely must be one of the good guys
Apart from that, she felt rather randy!
That Hugh would be right in the soup
If he suffered a case of brewer's droop
That Hugh would be right in the soup
If he suffered a case of brewer's droop
So he doubled up on the little blue pill,
Which really made him feel quite ill
That Hugh would be right in the soup
If he suffered a case of brewer's droop
So he doubled up on the little blue pill,
Which really made him feel quite ill
The pills were really meant for croup
That Hugh would be right in the soup
If he suffered a case of brewer's droop
So he doubled up on the little blue pill,
Which really made him feel quite ill
The pills were really meant for croup
But all they did was make him poop
Not sure if Judd's last line was an extra line on the verse, or a new verse altoether?
So can we restart please?
*
Three days of storms coming soon
We'll hardly feel over the moon
Three days of storms coming soon
We'll hardly feel over the moon
Anchor the trampoline, should it fly away
Bring in the dog, it can't go out to play
Three days of storms coming soon
We'll hardly feel over the moon
Anchor the trampoline, should it fly away
Bring in the dog, in can't go out to play
And cancel the hot air balloon.
*
Our Maud sat watching the telly
Our Maud sat watching the telly
With her fat cat sitting on her belly
Our Maud sat watching the telly
With her fat cat sitting on her belly
The weight of the pair
Was too much for the chair
Our Maud sat watching the telly
With her fat cat sitting on her belly
The weight of the pair
Was too much for the chair
When it collapsed she felt a right nelly
The Evri man will be coming today
When he'll arrive I really can't say
The Evri man will be coming today
When he'll arrive I really can't say
I want to go to the loo, but I dare not
The Evri man will be coming today
When he'll arrive I really can't say
I want to go to the loo, but I dare not
I could sit by the door on a pot!
The Evri man will be coming today
When he'll arrive I really can't say
I want to go to the loo, but I dare not
I could sit by the door on a pot!
But I don't want to sit there all day.
*
I've had a stressful day so far
Might have to go find a Bar
I've had a stressful day so far
Might have to go find a Bar
A couple of drinks will cheer me up
I've had a stressful day so far
Might have to go and find a Bar
A couple of drinks will cheer me up
And a bit of soft music while I sup
I've had a stressful day so far
Might have to go and find a Bar
A couple of drinks will cheer me up
And a bit of soft music while I sup
And a lift home from a friend who'll bring her car. 🚘
**********
Lizzie is going to a function tonight
Her dress doesn't fit, its far too tight
Lizzie is going to a function tonight
Her dress doesn't fit, It's far too tight
She let out the seams showing lots of flesh
And using Velcro she added some mesh
Lizzie is going to a function tonight
Her dress doesn't fit, It's far too tight
She let out the seams showing lots of flesh
And using Velcro she added some mesh
Greg groped her bum and gave her a fright
Liz span around and gave Greg a slap
Liz span around and gave Greg a slap
"Get away from me you're full of crap!"
Liz span around and gave Greg a slap
"Get away from me you're full of crap!"
And with all that, off Liz stomped
So Greg found Val, and how they romped
Liz span around and gave Greg a slap
"Get away from me you're full of crap!"
And with all that, off Liz stomped
So Greg found Val, and how they romped
He was a persevering chap!
*************
Greg really thought he was a catch
But with Val he'd met his match
Greg really thought he was a catch
But with Val he'd met his match
She knew how to make a souffle rise
Greg really thought he was a catch
But with Val he'd met his match
She knew how to make a souffle rise
And other skills that deserved a prize
Greg really thought he was a catch
But with Val he'd met his match
She knew how to make a souffle rise
And other skills that deserved a prize
Apart from her pies which weren't up to scratch.
Greg and Val really hit it off
Greg and Val really hit it off
She though he was a proper toff
At least til she saw him grope Shirl's bum
Greg and Val really hit it off
She though he was a proper toff
At least til she saw him grope Shirl's bum
Then all her love quickly went numb
Gregg and Val really hit it off
She thought he was a proper toff
At least til she saw him grope Shirl's bum
Then all the love quickly went numb
And she told him to bugger orf'
Father Christmas parked his sleigh outside of Maggie's door
He didn't knock, there was no need, he'd been many times before
Father Christmas parked his sleigh outside of Maggie's door
He didn't knock, there was no need, he'd been many times before
Have you been good Maggie? Santa smiled
Father Christmas parked his sleigh outside of Maggie's door
He didn't knock, there was no need, he'd been many times before
Have you been good Maggie? Santa smiled
Very good Santa , Maggie lied
Father Christmas parked his sleigh outside of Maggie's door
He didn't knock, there was no need, he'd been many times before
Have you been good Maggie? Santa smiled
Very good Santa , Maggie lied
Come upstairs, I'll show you I'm on the first floor
Rodney joined the rotary club wanting to do goods deeds
Rodney joined the rotary club wanting to do good deeds
Raising money for charities, litter picking, pulling weeds
Rodney joined the rotary club wanting to do good deeds
Raising money for charities, litter picking, pulling weeds
While he was cleaning up litter the other afternoon
Rodney joined the rotary club wanting to do good deeds
Raising money for charities, litter picking, pulling weeds
While he was cleaning up litter the other afternoon
He got his bum pinched by an old gal called June
Rodney joined the rotary club wanting to do good deeds
Raising money for charities, litter picking, pulling weeds
While he was cleaning up litter the other afternoon
He got his bum pinched by an old gal called June
Rodney always generous offered to fill her special needs
I wondering now what I'd do if a lady groped my bum
I wondering now what I'd do if a lady groped my bum
Perhaps you'd take a breath, then turn tail and run ?
I wondering now what I'd do if a lady groped my bum
Perhaps you'd take a breath, then turn tail and run ?
With your cheeks all ablush, and hair stood on end
Take off down the road, and your stride you'd extend
I'm wondering now what I'd do if a lady groped my bum
Perhaps you'd take a breath, then turn tail and run ?
With your cheeks all ablush, and hair stood on end
Take off down the road, and your stride you'd extend
Then when I got home I'd tell my mum
Poor old Fred lost his hearing aid
Poor old Fred lost his hearing aid
So he had no idea what was being said
Poor old Fred lost his hearing aid
So he had no idea what was being said
He sang the wrong carol while singing in church
Poor old Fred lost his hearing aid
So he had no idea what was being said
He sang the wrong carol while singing in church
Which made some frown and others smirk
Poor old Fred lost his hearing aid
So he had no idea what was being said
He sang the wrong carol while singing in church
Which made some frown and others smirk
And never heard were the 'Do' was at ,didn't go ,I'm afraid
Molly found nothing in her Christmas stocking
Molly found nothing in her Christmas stocking
That Santa had missed her was truly shocking
Molly found nothing in her Christmas stocking
That Santa missed her was truly shocking
There was a large hole near the big toe
Molly found nothing in her Christmas stocking
That Santa missed her was truly shocking
There was a large hole near the big toe
And she reckoned it was done by her mate, Joe
Molly found nothing in her Christmas stocking
That Santa missed her was truly shocking
There was a large hole near the big toe
And she reckoned it was done by her mate , Joe
After he borrowed them to go out rocking
Quote from: Scrumpy on December 09, 2024, 10:33:21 AMMolly found nothing in her Christmas stocking
That Santa missed her was truly shocking
There was a large hole near the big toe
And she reckoned it was done by her mate , Joe
After he borrowed them to go out rocking
Rodney woke up to thick frost on the ground
Rodney woke up to thick frost on the ground
And leapt from his bed with a joyful bound
Rodney woke up to thick frost on the ground
He leapt from his bed with a joyful bound
He went of to the market with his bruv Del
Rodney woke up to thick frost on the ground
He leapt from his bed with a joyful bound
He went of to the market with his bruv Del
Hoping to flog 100 boxes of bells
Rodney woke up to thick frost on the ground
He leapt from his bed with a joyful bound
He was of to the market with his bruv Del
Hoping to flog a 100 boxes of bells
Not ten, not five but twelve boxes for one pound
December 09, 2024, 02:21:19 PM
Trigger bought nearly everything
Even though the bells had no ding
Trigger bought nearly everything
Even though the bells had no ding
A new broom handle was what he craved
But Del didn't have any nor did Dave
Trigger bought nearly everything
Even though the bells had no ding
A new broom handle was what he craved
But Del didn't have any nor did Dave
So he had to settle for some dubious bling
Oi Rodders why's my finger gone green
Oi Rodders why's my finger gone green
It looks a strange shape, like I've never seen
Oi Rodders why's my finger gone green
It looks a strange shape, like I've never seen
What on earth's going on? 🤯
Oi Rodders why's my finger gone green
It looks a strange shape like I've never seen
What on earths going on
It's the emerald my son
Oi Rodders why's my finger gone green
It looks a strange shape like I've never seen
What on earths going on
It's the emerald my son
And the gold bits just need a good clean.
**************
Edna joined a choir, she thought her voice was sweet
Edna joined a choir, she thought her voice was sweet
But the choir master thought it was more like a bleat
Edna joined a choir, she thought her voice was sweet
But the choir master thought it was more like a bleat
She was moved into the back row
Where Edna wouldn't make a show
Edna joined a choir, she thought her voice was sweet
But the choir master thought it was more like a bleat
She was moved into the back row
Where she wouldn't make a show
And told to mime the words on the song sheet.
******* ******* *******
For a special treat at Christmas time
Bill liked a warm mug or three of mulled wine
For a special treat at Christmas time
Bill liked a warm mug or three of mulled wine
He's sit and sup them in his old armchair
For a special treat at Christmas time
Bill liked a warm mug or three of mulled wine
He'd sit and sup them in his old arm chair
And all the time not having a care
For a special treat at Christmas time
Bill liked a warm mug or three of mulled wine
He'd sit and sup them in his old arm chair
And all the time not having a care
He'd try to get up when it came time to dine
Oh dear! Thought Bill I can't arise
I should have stuck to eating pies
Oh dear! Thought Bill I can't arise
I should have stuck to eating pies
My head is spinning like a top
Wouldn't have happened if I'd only drunk pop
Oh dear! Thought Bill I can't arise
I should have stuck to eating pies
My head is spinning like a top
Wouldn't have happened if I'd only drunk pop
And I've broken the zip on my flies! :embarrassed: :grin:
*
Will somebody send for George Clooney
As I like him better than Wayne Rooney
Will someone send for George Clooney
As I like him better then Wayne Rooney
Redford and Brad Pit can come along too
And a bit of Ray Liotta would also do
Will someone send for George Clooney
As I like him better then Wayne Rooney
Redford and Brad Pit can come along too
And a bit of Ray Liotta would also do
And Sean Connery could do a moony! (https://yoursmiles.org/msmile/fun/m0126.gif)
*
It's time we must behave,
Our reputations we need to save
It's time we must behave,
Our reputations we need to save
Far too late for that I fear
It's time we must behave,
Our reputations we need to save
Far too late for that I fear
In that case, I'll have another beer
It's time we must behave,
Our reputations we need to save
Far too late for that I fear
In that case, I'll have another beer
Klondy to start a Pensioners rave !
So it's all round Klondy's New Years Eve
So it's all round Klondy's New Years Eve
A party on the cards I do believe
So it's all round Klondy's New Years Eve
A party on the cards I do believe
Bring some wine, or beer or gin,
If you don't you won't get in 😱
So it's all round Klondy's New Years Eve
A party on the cards I do believe
Bring some wine, or beer or gin,
If you don't you won't get in
Vlad WAS doing bouncer, but went 'orf in a peeve
Parking was tricky outside Klondy's pad
Parking was tricky outside Klondy's pad
I had to reverse park.. very sad
Parking was tricky outside Klondy's pad
I had to reverse park.. very sad
My cameras will show if you bumped my car
Parking was tricky outside Klondy's pad
I had to reverse park.. very sad
My cameras will show if you bumped my car
I pranged someone in my rush to the bar :rolleyes:
Parking was tricky outside Klondy's pad
I had to reverse park.. very sad
My cameras will show if you bumped my car
I pranged someone in my rush to the bar :rolleyes:
I think it was Dex's - he's going mad
Somebody had wrecked poor Dex's ride
That old banger he polished with pride
Somebody had wrecked poor Dex's ride
That old banger he polished with pride
But now its all dented,
and it should have been prevented
So he sat on the pavement and cried. (https://yoursmiles.org/tsmile/tears/t2319.gif)
*
Then Ethel asked Klondy to dance
Then Ethel asked Klondy to dance
Being desperate he was in with a chance
Then Ethel asked Klondy to dance
Being desperate he was in with a chance
So he turned on the charm
Then Ethel asked Klondy to dance
Being desperate he was in with a chance
So he turned on the charm
And offered his arm
While preparing to prance
Best foot forward they all say
Best foot forward they all say
With two left feet he'd better pray
A waltz? A quickstep? Heaven knows
Best foot forward they all say
With two left feet he'd better pray
A waltz? A quickstep? Heaven knows
Then straightway, he trod on her toes
Best foot forward they all say
With two left feet he'd better pray
A waltz? A quickstep? Heaven knows
Then straightway, he trod on her toes
Best leave the dancing for another day
************
Maggie put up her huge Christmas tree 🎄
Maggie put up her huge Christmas tree 🎄
She'd dug it from a field so got it free
Maggie put up her huge Christmas tree
She'd dug it from a field so got it free
She needed a fairy to sit on top of it
She might ask Barry or maybe Rick
Maggie put up her huge Christmas tree
She'd dug it from a field so got it free
She needed a fairy to sit on top of it
She might ask Barry or maybe Rick
But Ernie would look best, y'see.
*
It will soon be the shortest day
It will soon be the shortest day
Thank goodness for that I say 👍
It will soon be the shortest day
Thank goodness for that I say 👍
A White Christmas is my wish
A possibility says Michael Fish :cool:
It will soon be the shortest day
Thank goodness for that I say :upvote:
A white Christmas is my wish
A possibility says Michael Fish :cool:
With a little breeze blowing our way
With eight days till the shortest day
With eight days till the shortest day
Another year gone, hip hip hooray
Next year will be good I hope
With eight days till the shortest day
Another year gone, hip hip hooray
Next year will be good I hope
Otherwise how will we cope
With eight days till the shortest day
Another year gone, hip hip hooray
Next year will be good I hope
Otherwise how will we cope
Good luck to us all, I say. :upvote:
It was late, and time for bed
It was late, and time for bed 🛌
Mary lay down her weary head 💤
It was late, and time for bed
Mary lay down her weary head
She was just nodding off
It was late, and time for bed
Mary lay down her weary head
She was just nodding off
When from across the room came a stifled cough
It was late and time for bed
Mary lay down her weary head
She was just nodding off
When from across the room came a stifled cough
T'was a man with a white beard.. dressed all in red
'Have you been a good girl' ? the voice did ask
'Have you been a good girl' ? the voice did ask
"I can be very good if you're up to the task." :wink:
'Have you been a good girl' ? the voice did ask
"I can be very good if you're up to the task." :wink:
What exactly did you have in mind?
'Have you been a good girl' ? the voice did ask
"I can be very good if you're up to the task." (https://letschat.club/Smileys/klondike/winking-face_9609.png)
What exactly did you have in mind?
Or leave instructions for me to find
''Have you been a good girl'? The voice did ask
' I can be very good if you're up for the task' :wink:
What exactly did you have in mind?
Or leave instructions for me to find
I was very good but that was in the past
The poor Turkey hid up a tree
The poor turkey hid up a tree
Right underneath a sparkly fairy
The poor turkey hid up a tree
Right underneath a sparkly fairy
He knew what was to be his fate -
Ending up on somebody's plate
The poor turkey hid up a tree
Right underneath a sparkly fairy
He knew what was to be his fate
Ending up on somebody's plate
The fairy waved her wand and he ran free
He did a runner across the park
He did a runner across the park
Hid in the bushes til it went dark
He did a runner across the park
Hid in the bushes til it went dark
Then at first light he ventured out
He did a runner across the park
Hid in the bushes til it went dark
Then at first light he ventured out
But the groundsman gave a shout!
He did a runner across the park
Hid in the bushes til it went dark
Then at first light he ventured out
But the groundsman gave a shout!
Threw a stone, but it missed its mark.
*
Poor turkey ran off in fear
And bumped into a kindly old dear
Poor turkey ran off in fear
And bumped into a kindly old dear
She picked him up and carried him home
Poor turkey ran off in fear
And bumped into a kindly old dear
She picked him up and carried him home
And in her garden he talked to her Gnome
Poor turkey ran off in fear
And bumped into a kindly old dear
She picked him up and carried him home
And in her garden he talked to her Gnome
Then she stuffed him for Christmas.. with all the gear
The moral of this story is don't even trust a gran
The moral of this story is don't even trust a gran
That smile just means one thing - she has a cunning plan
The moral of this story is don't even trust a gran
That smile just means one thing - she has a cunning plan
Turkey thought he was safe and sound
But only for it to found
He still ended up in the pan.
Annie liked loads of fairy lights
Her house could be seen for miles at night
Annie liked loads of fairy lights
Her house could be seen for miles at night
Across the street they couldn't sleep
Their comments must be masked as bleep
Annie liked loads of fairy lights
Her house could be seen for miles at night
Across the street they couldn't sleep
Their comments must be masked as bleep
But they did help the planes when taking flight
With all the presents wrapped and ready
With all the presents wrapped and ready
Ron was feeling quite unsteady
With all the presents wrapped and ready
Ron was feeling quite unsteady
When the tape ran out he'd switched to glue
Not to be sniffed. Which he never knew
With all the presents wrapped and ready
Ron was feeling quite unsteady
When the tape ran out he'd switched to glue
Not to be sniffed. Which he never knew
He sniffed and sniffed and felt quite heady
I fancy beef casserole for tea
I fancy beef casserole for tea
There's enough for two but it's all for me
I fancy beef casserole for tea
There's enough for two but it's all for me
Might make some dumplings too
I fancy beef casserole for tea
There's enough for two but it's all for me
Might make some dumplings too
They always bulk up a tasty stew
I fancy beef casserole for tea
There's enough for two but it's all for me
Might make some dumplings too
They always bulk up a tasty stew
With onion, carrots, spuds and peas.
************
A glass of red to wash it down
A glass of red to wash it down
But not so much I act the clown
A glass of red to wash it down
But not so much I act the clown
Just enough to feel quite mellow
A glass of red to wash it down
But not so much I act the clown
Just enough to feel quite mellow
That'll make me a happy fellow
A glass of red to wash it down
But not so much I act the clown
Just enough to feel quite mellow
That'll make me a happy fellow
Then I'll relax in my dressing gown.
Freddy was new to the town
Freddy was new to the town
As he drove around with a frown
Freddy was new to the town
As he drove around with a frown
The one way system had him beat
When trying to get home to his street
Freddy was new to the town
As he drove around with a frown
The one way system had him beat
When trying to get home to his street
Twenty miles later he was feeling a clown
Poor old Bob was feeling sad
Everything had changed since he were't lad
Poor old Bob was feeling sad
Everything had changed since he were't lad
He couldn't keep up with computers and 'phones
And one of his neighbours even had drones
Poor old Bob was feeling sad
Everything had changed since he were't lad
He couldn't keep up with computers and phones
And one of his neighbours even had drones
It was all beginning to drive him mad
Scan this, click and pay, and download the App
It did Bob's head in, such a confused chap
Scan this, click and pay, and download the App
It did Bob's head in, such a confused chap
He thought it made no sense
He even missed pounds, shillings and pence
Scan this, click and pay, and download the App
It did Bob's head in, such a confused chap
He thought it made no sense
He even missed pounds, shillings and pence
He'd ask someone later but after a nap
His daughter looked and was puzzled too
Maybe Gerry would know what to fo
His daughter looked and was puzzled too
Maybe Gerry would know what do
He tried a reboot, but the site didn't load
His daughter look and was puzzled too
Maybe Gerry would know what to do
He tried a reboot but the site didn't load
Then it said he was in the wrong mode
His daughter looked and was puzzled too
Maybe Gerry would know what to do
He tried a reboot but the site didn't load
Then it said he was in the wrong mode
So out the window the laptop flew.
****************
Dave thought an online order would be good
As a way to order his Christmas food
Dave thought an online order would be good
As a way to order his Christmas food
So much Not Available and Out of Stock
And the delivery charge was a bloody shock
Dave thought an online order would be good
As a way to order his Christmas food
So much Not Available and Out of Stock
And the delivery charge was a bloody shock
If he could cancel Christmas, he would.
A handsome young man from Bridgend
A handsome young man from Bridgend
Was temporarily without a girlfriend
A handsome young man from Bridgend
Was temporarily without a girlfriend
He looked pretty swish
And smelled quite delish
A handsome young man from Bridgend
Was temporarily without a girlfriend
He looked pretty swish
And smelled quite delish
What a pity he was such a 🔔 end. ☺️
***********
A quirky young man from the Wirral
Liked to dress up as a squirrel 🐿�
A quirky young man from the Wirral
Liked to dress up as a squirrel 🐿
He sat up a tree
Till he needed a wee
A quirky young man from the Wirral
Liked to dress up as a squirrel 🐿
He sat up a tree
Till he needed a wee
Then he went in the Ladies' and said he was a girl.
Mary had a little lamb, but Dave preferred fish
Mary had a little lamb, but Dave preferred fish
Jack Spratt would have no fat sitting in his dish
Mary had a little lamb, but Dave preferred fish
Jack Spratt would have no fat sitting in his dish
For he preferred Pie & Mash
But his missus liked Corned Beef Hash
Mary had a little lamb, but Dave preferred fish
Jack Spratt would have no fat sitting in his dish
For he preferred Pie & Mash
But his missus like corned beef hash
One might say their marriage was certainly at risk
Will we ever write a verse that rhymes
Some of them are almost a crime :wink:
Will we ever write a verse that rhymes
Some of them are almost a crime :wink:
Others though can be quite funny
They're the ones right on the money
Will we ever write a verse that rhymes
Some of them are almost a crime :wink:
Others though can be quite funny
They're the ones right on the money
And Freddie pulled a cracker
'Tis the season to be jolly
All you need is loads of money
'Tis the season to be jolly
All you need us loads of money
A turkey, sprouts and some gin
Nip down to Lidl you'll be quids in
'Tis the season to be jolly
All you need us loads of money
A turkey, sprouts and some gin
Nip down to Lidl you'll be quids in
And don't forget some sprigs of Holly.
Betty had mistletoe hanging over the door
She was hoping for a kiss or even something more
Betty had mistletoe hanging over the door
She was hoping for a kiss or even something more
She waited and waited, best lipstick on
Then all of a sudden, along came Don
Betty had mistletoe hanging over the door
She was hoping for a kiss or even something more
She waited and waited, best lipstick on
Then all of a sudden along came Don
They kissed and kissed til their lips were sore
Quote from: Scrumpy on December 21, 2024, 10:08:52 AMWill we ever write a verse that rhymes
Some of them are almost a crime :wink:
Others though can be quite funny
They're the ones right on the money
And Freddie pulled a cracker
Best one yet Scrumpy! 😂😂😂
December 21, 2024, 08:14:11 PMThe Christmas lights were twinkling as were Ellen's eyes
She'd spotted Bert in the rugby club, big shoulders, huge thighs
The Christmas lights were twinkling as were Ellen's eyes
She'd spotted Bert in the rugby club, big shoulders, huge thighs
With hands the size of dinner plates
And known to have been on thousands of dates
The Christmas lights were twinkling as were Ellen's eyes
She'd spotted Bert in the rugby club, big shoulders, huge thighs
With hands the size of dinner plates
And known to have been on thousands of dates
She hoped he'd be her Christmas surprise.
*****************
But for Ellen there would be no romance
Bert's dates were a cover, she wouldn't stand a chance
But for Ellen there would be no romance
Bert's dates were a cover, she wouldn't stand a chance
Not Ellen, Ruby, Peggy or May
He loved Maurice.. sometimes Eric ..Because he was the other way
But for Ellen there would be no romance
Bert's dates were a cover, she wouldn't stand a chance
Not Ellen, Ruby, Peggy or May
He loved Maurice.. sometimes Eric ..Because he was the other way
So he didn't give Ellen a glance.
December 22, 2024, 02:56:03 PM
There'll be no white Christmas, so they say
There'll be no white Christmas, so they say
Was that the weatherman who's gay?
There'll be no white Christmas, so they say
Was that the weatherman who's gay?
I think you're right - wears trousers too tight
There'll be no white Christmas, so they say
Was that the weatherman who's gay?
I think you're right - wears trousers too tight
He was on that chat show the other night
The journey from Lapland to Scunthorpe was dire
The journey from Lapland to Scunthorpe was dire
And certainly with very little to admire
There'll be no white Christmas, so they say
Was that the weatherman who's gay?
I think you're right - wears trousers too tight
He was on that chat show the other night
As his alter ego, Daisy May.
***********
December 24, 2024, 07:18:10 AM
The journey from Lapland to Scunthorpe was dire
And certainly with very little to admire
Old steelworks, closed pits
The journey from Lapland to Scunthorpe was dire
And certainly with very little to admire
Old steelworks, closed pits
No sign of glitz
Keep rolling to some other shire
Now the roads are becoming quite icy
Sliding on bends is so dicey
Now the roads are becoming quite icy
Sliding on bends is so dicey
The gritters were out
Now the roads are becoming quite icy
Sliding on bends is so dicey
The gritters were out
Did the neighbourhood throughout
Now the roads are becoming quite icy
Sliding on bends is so dicey
The gritters were out
Did the neighbourhood throughout
In a wagon they called Kiera Knightly
Will Father Christmas be coming tonight?
Will Father Christmas be coming tonight?
I know last year he got a terrible fright
Will Father Christmas be coming tonight?
I know last year he got a terrible fright
Fred's dog bit his bum
And made it go numb
Will Father Christmas be coming tonight?
I know last year he got a terrible fright
Fred's dog bit his bum
And made it go numb
And the reindeer were all in a fight
*************
Happy Christmas one and all
Have some fun, but do not fall
Happy Christmas one and all
Have some fun, but do not fall
Eat some turkey and sip some brandy
Remember to keep the Gaviscon handy
Happy Christmas one and all
Have some fun, but do not fall
Eat some turkey and sip some brandy
Remember to keep the Gaviscon handy
Other than that, just have a ball. :smiley:
December 24, 2024, 10:19:01 PM
Brian couldn't eat a brussel sprouts
They gave him wind, and he daren't go out
Brian couldn't eat brussel sprouts
They gave him wind, and he daren't go out
His mate told him Brian get a grip
Don't be embarrassed just let rip
His wife disagreed and chucked him.out
Now poor Brian's out on the streets
Now poor Brian's out on the streets
Checking the parking of disabled cheats
Now poor Brian's out on the streets
Checking the parking of disabled cheats
He'd give 'Spoons a miss now he had no cash
Now poor Brian's out on the streets
Checking the parking of disabled cheats
He'd give 'Spoons a miss now he had no cash
Moaning and groaning at those out on the lash
Now poor Brian's out on the streets
Checking the parking of disabled cheats
He'd give 'Spoons a miss now he had no cash
Moaning and groaning at those out on the lash
Oh what he'd give for just a few treats.
December 25, 2024, 11:33:52 AM
So Christmas Day is finally here
So Christmas Day is finally here
And soon the end of another year
So Christmas Day is finally here
And soon the end of another year
Will the next see the back of Sir Kier?
If it does that should raise a cheer
So Christmas Day is finally here
And soon the end of another year
Will the next see the back of Sir Kier?
If it does that should raise a cheer
And very few will shed a tear.
December 26, 2024, 10:11:41 AM
What a grey and dismal Boxing Day
What a grey and dismal Boxing Day
For me a DG day and dinner on a tray
What a grey and dismal Boxing Day
For me a DG day and dinner on a tray
Time to sit down and relax
Soft cushions behind our backs
What a grey and dismal Boxing Day
For me a DG day and dinner on a tray
Time to sit down and relax
Soft cushions behind our backs
Now for us, it's homeward the next day.
************
Its nice to be with folks at Christmastime
Eating nice food, drinking good wine
Its nice to be with folks at Christmastime
Eating nice food, drinking good wine
But when it's done there's a price to pay
Check the scales. Is that what I weigh? :shocked:
Its nice to be with folks at Christmastime
Eating nice food, drinking good wine
But when it's done there's a price to pay
Check the scales. Is that what I weigh?
But a January diet will make me fine. :smiley:
*
When it snows, I build a snowman
If I do it this year, I shall call him Dan
When it snows, I build a snowman
If I do it this year, I shall call him Dan
When he melts I may shed a tear
When it snows, I build a snowman
If I do it this year, I shall call him Dan
When he melts I may shed a tear
Cos he'll be gone for another year
When it snows, I build a snowman
If I do it this year, I shall call him Dan
When he melts I may shed a tear
Cos he'll be gone for another year
I'll try hard not to cry if I can
Mabel's washing all blew off the line
Mabel's washing blew off the line
Her knickers entwined the pants of Brian
They blew together in the breeze
Mabel's washing blew off the line
Her knickers entwined the pants of Brian
They blew together in the breeze
Without so much as a thankyou or please
Was it a hint, or maybe a sign?
Mabel and Brian lived in houses next door
A widow and widower, they knew the score
Mabel and Brian lived in houses next door
A widow and widower, they knew the score
They played Gin Rummy on Friday nights
Mabel and Brian lived in houses next door
A widow and widower, they knew the score
They played Gin Rummy on Friday nights
And other games once Brian dimmed the lights
Mabel and Brian lived in houses next door
A widow and widower, they knew the score
They played Gin Rummy on Friday nights
And other games when Brian dimmed the lights
Like hunt the thimble down on the floor
One night they invited Sid and Sue
One night they invited Sid and Sue
Who made a suggestion right out of the blue
One night they invited Sid and Sue
Who made a suggestion right out of the blue
They suggested a different game 😉
They said playing cards was really tame
One night they invited Sid and Sue
Who made a suggestion right out of the blue
They suggested a different game 😉
They said playing cards was really tame
When Brian winked, Mabel went off to make a brew....
Then there was a knock at the door
Then there was a knock at the door
Could it possibly be there were even more?
Then there was a knock at the door
Could it possibly be there were even more?
Pat and Flo plus Ange and Jim all there standing waiting
Then there was a knock at the door
Could it possibly be there were even more ?
Pat and Flo plus Ange and Jim all there standing waiting
Ready to join in
Then they started up the conga.. right there upon the floor
December 29, 2024, 05:09:04 PM
Maggie's New Year Resolution was to find herself a man
Maggie's New Year Resolution was to find herself a man
Most of those that know her are running while they can
Maggie's New Year Resolution was to find herself a man
Most of those that know her are running while they can
She's dressed fit to kill
Maggie's New Year Resolution was to find herself a man
Most of those that know her are running while they can
She's dressed fit to kill
And flirting wildly with Phil
Maggie's New Year Resolution was to find herself a man
Most of those that know her are running while they can
She's dressed fit to kill
And flirting wildly with Phil
Despite being older than his gran
Hope springs eternal in Maggie's breast
Hope springs eternal in Maggie's breast
She wears her best lippy, and looks her best
Hope springs eternal in Maggie's breast
She wears her best lippy, and looks her best
For wrinkles and cracks she relies on pollyfiller
Hope springs eternal in Maggie's breast
She wears her best lippy, and looks her best
For wrinkles and cracks she relies on pollyfiller
She thinks she is a real man killer
Hope springs eternal in Maggie's breast
She wears her best lippy, and looks her best
For wrinkles and cracks she relies on pollyfiller
She thinks she is a real man killer
And she tries to be full of zest.
* *
It's almost New Years Eve
And Karen's got a date with Steve
It's almost New Years Eve
And Karen's got a date with Steve
He's raring to go!
It's almost New Years Eve
And Karen's got a date with Steve
He's raring to go
After Karen he's meeting Flo
It's almost New Years Eve
And Karen's got a date with Steve
He's raring to go
After Karen he's meeting Flo
That's if Karen allows him to leave. :grin:
* *
So what have you got for tea?
So what have you got for tea?
I'll check the freezer after I've had a pee
So what have you got for tea?
I'll check the freezer after I've had a pee
I can't do it before ,my hands would be cold
There are things with cold hands I wouldn't hold
So what have you got for tea?
I'll check the freezer after I've had a pee
I can't do it before ,my hands would be cold
There are things with cold hands I wouldn't hold
Ah a nice curry - that'll do me
Wow that curry really was hot
Now for some afters. Let's see what I've got
Wow that curry was really hot
Now for some afters. Lets see what I've got
Christmas pud? No, I'm too full
Let's have ice cream, it'll make my mouth cool
Wow that curry was really hot
Now for some afters. Lets see what I've got
Christmas pud? No, I'm too full
Let's have ice cream, it'll make my mouth cool
I think I'd best have quite a lot!
* * *
Bert felt he could sleep for a week
Bert felt he could sleep for a week
He collapsed into bed and heard a creak
Bert felt he could sleep for a week
He collapsed into bed and heard a creak
He nervously coughed
The leg broke off
And he fell on the floor in a heap
**********
Bert went shopping for a nice new bed
Bert went shopping for a nice new bed
New sheets too in a sultry red
Bert went shopping for a nice new bed
New sheets too in a sultry red
He might try satin.. all the rage
Though he was a bit worried about his age
Bert went shopping for a nice new bed
New sheets too in a sultry red
He might try satin.. all the rage
Though he was a bit worried about his age
He might slide right off when all was said
Bert stuck with sensible linen whites
Bert stuck with sensible linen whites
Hoping for sweet dreams at night
Bert stuck with sensible linen whites
Hoping for sweet dreams at night
Any romance was all in dreams
So he took solace in custard creams
Bert stuck with sensible linen whites
Hoping for sweet dreams at night
Any romance was all in dreams
So he took solace in custard creams
He ooh'd and aah'd at every bite
Hoping for love on New Years Eve
Ethel wiped a tear away on her sleeve
Hoping for love on New Years Eve
Ethel wiped a tear away on her sleeve
She'd had her heart broken so many times
Hoping for love on New Years Eve
Ethel wiped a tear away on her sleeve
She'd had her heart broken so many times
She found some comfort in gin and lime
'I'll get that' volunteered an old friend Steve.
****************
He gave her a kiss when the bells were ringing
He gave her a kiss when the bells were ringing
Ethel could feel her lips were tingling
He gave her a kiss when the bells were ringing
Ethel could feel that her lips were tingling
The tingle went down to the tips of her toes
He gave her a kiss when the bells were ringing
Ethel could feel that her lips were tingling
The tingle went down to the tips of her toes
And she began to forget all her woes
He gave her a kiss when the bells were ringing
Ethel could feel that her lips were tingling
The tingle went down to the tips of her toes
And she began to forget all her woes
She didn't know Steve was into swinging 😮
It's blowing a gale and pouring with rain
It's blowing a gale and pouring with rain
If it carries on it'll drive me insane
I was going to go out today
It's blowing a gale and pouring with rain
If it carries on it'll drive me insane
I was going to go out today
But warm at home I'm going to stay
It's blowing a gale and pouring with rain
If it carries on it'll drive me insane
I was going to go out today
But with weather like this inside I'll stay
Weekend it might snow - oh what a pain.
*
I'm all of a muddle with my days!
It's like Wednesday is Sunday in a haze
I'm all in a muddle with my days!
It's like Wednesday is Sunday in a haze
I think tomorrow is Friday or there about
I hope it is, my bins are out
I'm all in a muddle with my days!
It's like Wednesday is Sunday in a haze
I think tomorrow is Friday or there about
I hope it is, my bins are out
And blown all over the alleyways
Ed sat in the cafe having his lunch
Ed sat in the cafe having his lunch
Planning on betting, he'd got a hunch
Ed sat in the cafe having his lunch
Planning on betting, he'd got a hunch
He'd bet City 3 United 2
Ed sat in the cafe having his lunch
Planning on betting, he'd got a hunch
He'd bet City 3 United 2
But truth be told - he hadn't a clue
So he sat and had a bit more to munch.
*
This weekend its supposed to snow
With temperature dropping to 4 below
This weekend its supposed to snow
With temperature dropping to 4 below
Well it's sunny here
Which gives me cheer
Clickbait stories don'tcha know?
It may be sunny but still damned nippy
But not so bad the roads are slippy
It may be sunny but still damned nippy
But not so bad the roads are slippy
I think I'll stay at home today
I've got a ready meal, so that's okay
It may be sunny but still damned nippy
But not so bad the roads are slippy
I think I'll stay at home today
I've got a ready meal, so that's okay
Then I might try out my nice new lippy.
*
While Josh was de-icing his car
While Josh was de-icing his car
He spotted the windscreen had a scar
A stone must have caused that chip
Thrown up by another going quite a clip
He'd get it fixed, it wasn't far
Josh pulled up at Honest Joe's
Josh pulled up at Honest Joe's
He had a wart on the end of his nose
Josh pulled up at Honest Joe's
He had a wart on the end of his nose
It looked like a big prune
It had grown big so soon
Josh pulled up at Honest Joe's
He had a wart on the end of his nose
It looked like a big prune
It had grown big so soon
So they unrolled the big garden hose
While Fred was de-icing his car
While Fred was de-icing his car
He spotted the windscreen had a big scar
While Fred was de-icing his car
He spotted the windscreen had a big scar
Was it a stone or that damned kid next door?
While Fred was de-icing his car
He spotted the windscreen had a big scar
Was it a stone or that damned kid next door?
Looked like a stone but he couldn't be sure
While Fred was de-icing his car
He spotted the windscreen had a big scar
Was it a stone or that damned kid next door?
Looked like a stone but he couldn't be sure
It just seemed a bit bazaar.
*
We are promised some snow this weekend
We are promised some snow this weekend
So wrap up warmly dear friends
We were promised some snow this weekend
So wrap up warmly dear friends
Rub Vicks deep heat all over your chest
Getting someone to do it, I find is best
We were promised some snow this weekend
So wrap up warmly dear friends
Rub Vicks deep heat all over your chest
Getting someone to do it, I find is best
Vick on yer feet is a Godsend !
A trip to Barry is on the cards
A trip to Barry is on the cards
He lives at 56 at his ma's
A trip to Barry is on the cards
He lives at 56 at his ma's
She fusses and coos
And even shines his shoes
A trip to Barry is on the cards
He lives at 56 at his ma's
She fusses and coos
And even shines his shoes
And deep fries his sausages in lard
***********
A trip to Barry Island was what Alex meant
Where Gavin and Stacey and Uncle Bryn went
A trip to Barry Island was what Alex meant
Where Gavin and Stacey and Uncle Bryn went
A wedding was planned
But things got out of hand
When Smith and Ness took advice from their friends.
When I looked out the window, it was starting to snow
When I looked out the window, it was starting to snow
We'll be getting big drifts if the wind starts to blow
When I looked out the window, it was starting to snow
We'll be getting big drifts if the wind starts to blow
Not a grit lorry in sight
Haven't seen one all night
When I looked out the window, it was starting to snow
We'll be getting big drifts if the wind starts to blow
Not a grit lorry in sight
Haven't seen one all night
No wonder the cars are going so slow
All except that one who's starting to slide
All except that one that's starting to slide
Now its twirling like a fairground ride
All except that one that's starting to slide
Now its twirling like a fairground ride
Oh dear now it's knocked down a litter bin
All except that one that's starting to slide
Now its twirling like a fairground ride
Oh dear now it's knocked down a litter bin
And now he's going into a spin
All except that one that's starting to slide
Now its twirling like a fairground ride
Oh dear now it's knocked down a litter bin
And now he's going into a spin
Skidding around from side to side.
**********
Tonight Maggie decided she will stay in,
With the TV on and a nice drop of gin
Tonight Maggie decided she will stay in,
With the TV on and a nice drop of gin
Then she heard a crash!! 🤯
Tonight Maggie decided she will stay in,
With the TV on and a nice drop of gin
Then she heard a crash!! 🤯
Followed by an enormous splash
Tonight Maggie decided she will stay in,
With the TV on and a nice drop of gin
Then she heard a crash!! 🤯
Followed by an enormous splash
Hubby had looked at the pond and fell in.
*
Emma sat on the bench for a rest
Emma sat on the bench for a rest
That row with next door had left her stressed
Emma sat on the bench for a rest
That row with next door had left her stressed
She did some deep breathing
Until she stopped seething
Emma sat on the bench for a rest
That row with next door had left her stressed
She did some deep breathing
Until she stopped seething
And decided she was blassed.
Can we have a few normal limericks ? Alex asked
Just for a change, the options are vast
Can we have a few normal limericks ? Alex asked
Just for a change, the options are vast
What? Like there was an old man from Sutton
Can we have a few normal limericks ? Alex asked
Just for a change, the options are vast
What? Like there was an old man from Sutton?
Yes, you've hit the nail on the button :grin: :grin: :grin:
Can we have a few normal limericks ? Alex asked
Just for a change, the options are vast
What? Like there was an old man from Sutton?
Yes, you've hit the nail on the button
Ok you start one anew and I'll try to go last
There was a young lady from Sutton (!)
There was a young lady from Sutton
Who was sadly a bit of a glutton
A huge plateful of pies
Brought a gleam to her eyes
There was a young lady from Sutton
Who was sadly a bit of a glutton
A huge plateful of pies
Brought a gleam to her eyes
And so did a plateful of mutton.
**
There was an old man from Kent
There was an old man from Kent
Who was noticed wherever he went
There was an old man from Kent
Who was noticed wherever he went
His hair was bright red
There was an old man from Kent
Who was noticed wherever he went
His hair was bright red
And he had a huge head
There was an old man from Kent
Who was noticed wherever he went
His hair was bright red
And he had a huge head
And spoke with a broad Geordie accent
A retired librarian from Hull
A retired librarian from Hull
Fancied a trip to Mull
A retired librarian from Hull
Fancied a trip to Mull
The rough sea made him sick
A retired librarian from Hull
Fancied a trip to Mull
The rough sea made him sick
The cold got on his wick
A retired librarian from Hull
Fancied a trip to Mull
The rough sea made him sick
The cold got on his wick
And the weather was raining and dull.
A wizened old vicar from Ealing
A wizened old vicar from Ealing
Accused a poor choirboy of stealing
A wizened old vicar from Ealing
Accused a poor choir boy of stealing
He said a bottle of waters gone missing
Which is needed for this afternoons christening
A wizened old vicar from Ealing
Accused a poor choir boy of stealing
He said "a bottle of water's gone missing
Which is needed for this afternoon's christening
And with you, my lad, I will be dealing"
There was a young lad from Poole
Who was always bunking off school
There was a young lad from Poole
Who was always bunking off school
He would hide in the park
Until nearly dark
There was a young lad from Poole
Who was always bunking off school
He would hide in the park
Until nearly dark
Or the air got to be just too cool
A handsome young man from York
A handsome young man from York
Took a girl for a weekend in Cork
A handsome young man from York
Took a girl for a weekend in Cork
They travelled by ferry
Had a drink and were merry
A handsome young man from York
Took a girl for a weekend in Cork
They travelled by ferry
Had a drink and were merry
Turned out the young man was a dork !
January 08, 2025, 12:46:22 PM
A Cockney man living in Barry
A Cockney man living in Barry
Went by the name as old 'arry
A Cockney man living in Barry
Went by the name as old 'arry
But his real name was Big Alf
A Cockney man living in Barry
Went by the name of old 'arry
But his real name was Big Alf
He avoided shop staff
When nicking as much as he could carry
**************
An old dear called Edie from Chester
An old dear called Edie from Chester
Was sweet on young Barry from Leicester
An old dear called Edie from Chester
Was sweet on young Barry from Leicester
But Barry had his heart set on Sally
Who one day he hoped he would marry
An old dear called Edie from Chester
Was sweet on young Barry from Leicester
But Barry had his heart set on Sally
Who one day he hoped he would marry
The wedding he planned was at Easter.
A grumpy old Welshman from Bala
A grumpy old Welshman from Bala
Got chased round his garden by an Ipala
A grumpy old Welshman from Bala
Got chased round his garden by an Ipala
He was a little too slow
As I'm sure we now know
And wished it had been a koala
'Tis a cold and frost morn
'Tis a cold and frosty morn
Ben is wishing he'd never been born
'Tis a cold and frost morn
Ben is wishing he'd never been born
His radiators are not giving out heat
And his hot water bottle has sprung a leak
'Tis a cold and frost morn
Ben is wishing he'd never been born
His radiators are not giving out heat
And his hot water bottle has sprung a leak
And he wished he'd never been born.
* *
There lives a young woman in Geary
There lives a young woman in Geary
Whose morals are subject to query
There lives a young woman in Geary
Who's morals are subject to query
She never asked of your name
Whether married or from whence you came
There lives a young woman in Geary
Who's morals are subject to query
She never asked of your name
Whether married or from whence you came
She's after a ring, at least that's the theory.
Guiseppe was a cobbler in Rome
Guiseppe was a cobbler in Rome
Where he set up a most comfortable home
Guiseppe was a cobbler in Rome
Where he set up a most comfortable home
His shoes were quite wondrous 👞 🩰 👠 👟
Giuseppe was a cobbler in Rome
Where he set up a most comfortable home
His shoes were quite wondrous 👞 👟 👠
But they cost many hundreds
Giuseppe was a cobbler in Rome
Where he set up a most comfortable home
His shoes were quite wondrous 👞 👟 👠
But they cost many hundreds
His stilettos were made with rhinestones
I go to an aqua aerobics class in the local pool
Moving to pop music is the general rule
Some have no rhythm, can't keep in time
Some just jump about, and they think that's fine
I don't know how the instructor keeps her cool!
There's perfect hair and lashes on the glamorous one
She won't admit it, but she's had some work done
She's perma tanned in her designer swimsuit
My cozzie's from Asda I don't give a hoot
If I look a mess, I'm keeping fit and its fun!
:grin: :grin: :grin:
Well done GrannyMac
Not all of us have the knack
You write a good line
And your rhyming's just fine
So for you, a well deserved pat on the back
Fred was scraping his windscreen today
Cheers Scrumpy! Appreciate yours too x
Fred was scraping his windscreen today
He was in a hurry to be on his way
Fred was scraping his windscreen today
He was in a hurry to be on his way
With his hands going numb
And so was his bum
Fred was scraping his windscreen today
He was in a hurry to be on his way
With his hands going numb
And so was his bum
He decided at home he would stay
Fred sat by the fire to thaw himself out
Fred sat by the fire to thaw himself out
It warmed his hands, but didn't help his gout
Fred sat by the fire to thaw himself out
It warmed his hands, but didn't help his gout
He went to the Doc's
Who prescribed Thermal socks
Fred sat by the fire to thaw himself out
It warmed his hands, but didn't help his gout
He went to the Doc's
Who prescribed Thermal socks
And an evening glass of milk stout
Fred soon felt better so joined the Gym
Fred soon felt better so joined the Gym
A spell on a treadmill left him feeling grim
Fred soon felt better and joined the Gym
A spell on the treadmill left him feeling grim
A bit of line dancing might soften the blow
And he might get a chance of saying 'Howdy' to Flo
Fred soon felt better and joined the Gym
A spell on the treadmill left him feeling grim
A bit of line dancing might soften the blow
And he might get a chance of saying 'Howdy' to Flo
He could strike lucky there - he has plenty of dough
Bertie loved Sunday dinner the best
Bertie loved his Sunday dinner the best
Even when he dribbled gravy down his vest
Bertie loved his Sunday dinner the best
Even when he dribbled gravy down his vest
His wife told him off
So he called her a toff
Bertie loved his Sunday dinner the best
Even when he dribbled gravy down his vest
His wife told him off
So he called her a toff
And there was no need to get over stressed
A monkey who lived in the trees
One day found a big bunch of keys
A monkey who lived in the trees
One day found a big bunch of keys
One opened up the peanut store
And another fruit and veg galore
A monkey who lived in the trees
One day found a big bunch of keys
One opened up the peanut store
And another fruit and veg galore
And something to deal with his fleas!
*
A handsome man living down South
A handsome man living down South
Was just fine 'til he opened his mouth
A handsome man living down South
Was fine 'til he opened his mouth
He said 'nuffink' and 'ain't '
And always dropped an 'H'
A handsome man living down South
Was fine 'til he opened his mouth
He said 'nuffink' and 'ain't '
And always dropped an 'H'
And then he moved up to Louth.
*
One night it was a thick fog
One night it was a thick fog
Freddie went out for a jog
One night it was a thick fog
Freddie went out for a jog
Along came a bus 🚌
One night it was a thick fog
Freddie went out for a jog
Along came a bus
Freddie is no-more.. alas
One night it was a thick fog
Freddie went out for a jog
Along came a bus
Freddie is no-more.. alas
So Mavis has lost her snog.
Mickey bought a ticket to ride the London Eye
Mickey bought a ticket to ride the London Eye
He found it exciting being up so high
Mickey bought a ticket to ride the London Eye
He found it exciting being up so high
He could see all of the city
From high up it looked pretty
Mickey bought a ticket to ride the London Eye
He found it exciting being up so high
He could see all of the city
From high up it looked pretty
But his girlfriend - it made her cry!
*
In the Cafe sat Brian and Sid
In the Cafe sat Brian and Sid
Full English breakfast for less than four quid
In the Cafe sat Brian and Sid
Full English breakfast for less than four quid
With several refills of coffee and tea
As well as food, they were warm, for free
In the cafe sat Brian and Sid
Full English breakfast for less than four quid
With several refills of coffee and tea
As well as food, they were warm, for free
And then, in the kitchen, the washing up they did
The man from Ocado just came
I can't remember his name
The man from Ocado just came
I can't remember his name
Now was it Tzingombo
Or maybe Flynzumbo
The man from Ocado just came
I can't remember his name
Now was it Tzingombo
Or maybe Flynzumbo
Cos to me they sound much the same.
*
The snow's coming back, so they say
The snow's coming back, so they say
But I hope it stays away for today
The snow's coming back, so they say
But I hope it stays away for today
It feels a bit colder
Unless I'm getting older
The snow's coming back, so they say
But I hope it stays away for today
It feels a bit colder
Unless I'm getting older
Far too chilly for a roll in the hay! 😆
Pete decided to go to the gym
But first he he had a half hour swim
Pete decided to go to the gym
But first he he had a half hour swim
His elastic pinged, and he lost his trunks
Just as he swam past two big hunks
Pete decided to go to the gym
But first he he had a half hour swim
His elastic pinged, and he lost his trunks
Just as he swam past two big hunks
Phew a lucky escape as neither fancied him
It's time to start the next rhyme
It's time to start the next rhyme
I should have done that - I'd plenty of time
It's time to start the next rhyme
I should have done that - I'd plenty of time
At our age we sometimes forget
Specially if we nip to the toilet
It's time to start the next rhyme
I should have done that - I'd plenty of time
At our age we sometimes forget
Specially if we nip to the toilet
But no matter, everything's fine.
*
Pete was planning his summer break
Pete was planning his summer break
Betty or Olive ! Who would he take
Pete was planning his summer break
Betty or Olive ! Who would he take
He decided on both being that sort of chap
Pete was planning his summer break
Betty or Olive ! Who would he take
He decided on both being that sort of chap
They'd amuse each other while he had his nap
Pete was planning his summer break
Betty or Olive ! Who would he take
He decided on both being that sort of chap
They'd amuse each other while he had his nap
Then they'd spend time together once he was awake.
*************
A funny old chap from Dunbar
Was obsessed with cleaning his car
A funny old chap from Dunbar
Was obsessed with cleaning his car
It gleamed and it shone 🚗
A funny old chap from Dunbar
Was obsessed with cleaning his car
It gleamed and it shone 🚗
With the road dirt all gone
A funny old chap from Dunbar
Was obsessed with cleaning his car
It gleamed and it shone 🚗
With the road dirt all gone
But he would never drive it far.
*
There's a woman up in the Lakes
Who bakes the most wonderful cakes
There's a woman up in the Lakes
Who bakes the most wonderful cakes
With chocolate and cream
She whips up a dream
There's a woman up in the Lakes
Who bakes the most wonderful cakes
With chocolate and cream
She whips up a dream
And decorates with Cadbury's Flakes
A drunken old vicar from Bangor
A drunken old vicar from Bangor
Decided not to drink any more
A drunken old vicar from Bangor
Decided not to drink any more
Since he hit his head on a pole
And fell down a big hole
A drunken old vicar from Bangor
Decided not to drink any more
Since he hit his head on a pole
And fell down a big hole
Making his bum really sore
A B&B owner in Ryde
A B&B owner in Ryde
Fancied a bit on the side
A B&B owner in Ryde
Fancied a bit on the side
Whilst his wife did the cooking
The cheat went out looking
A B&B owner in Ryde
Fancied a bit on the side
Whilst his wife did the cooking
The cheat went out looking
And found a girl down by the dockside
Myfanwy is a stripper from Gwent
Myfanwy is a stripper from Gwent
Thinking of moving to Kent
Where the blokes are less keen on sheep
Myfanwy is a stripper from Gwent
Thinking of moving to Kent
Where the blokes are less keen on sheep
And prefer Little Bo Beep
Myfanwy is a stripper from Gwent
Thinking of moving to Kent
Where the blokes are less keen on sheep
And prefer little Bo Peep
Who hooked in any eager Kent gent
Pete went for a ride on his bike
Pete went for a ride on his bike
A red Chopper, he looked a real sight
Pete went for a ride on his bike
A red Chopper, he looked a real sight
As he pedalled past Honey
She came over all funny
Pete went for a ride on his bike
A red Chopper, he looked a real sight
As he pedalled past Honey
She came over all funny
And invited him in for the night
So like an idiot he walked through her door 🚪
So like an idiot he walked through her door 🚪
Seconds later he was flat on the floor
So like an idiot he walked through her door 🚪
Seconds later he was flat on the floor
He panicked and froze
Right down to his toes
So like an idiot he walked through her door 🚪
Seconds later he was flat on the floor
He panicked and froze
Right down to his toes
And couldn't get up from all fours.
**********
There was an old woman from Fife
There was an old woman from Fife
Who had lead a very hard life
There was an old woman from Fife
Who had lead a very hard life
Then the Lottery she won
There was an old woman from Fife
Who had lead a very hard life
Then the Lottery she won
Just twenty-five quid but better than none
There was an old woman from Fife
Who had lead a very hard life
Then the Lottery she won
Just twenty- five quid but better than none
A bottle of plonk she bought...very nice
January 19, 2025, 10:17:18 AM
Basil lost his dentures in a Meal for One
Basil lost his dentures in a Meal for One
All are mystified by just how this was done
Basil lost his dentures in a Meal for One
All are mystified by just how this was done
They were there til he chomped on a meat ball
Then, all of a sudden, not there at all
Basil lost his dentures in a Meal for One
All are mystified by just how this was done
They were there til he chomped on a meat ball
Then, all of a sudden, not there at all
The toilet next day would be no fun
Ethel shouted 'House' in the bingo hall
Ethel shouted 'House' in the bingo hall
A little bit confused, it was a 'bogey' call
Ethel shouted 'House' in the bingo hall
A little bit confused, it was a 'bogey' call
It's not much fun
When you thought you'd won
Ethel shouted 'House' in the bingo hall
A little bit confused, it was a 'bogey' call
It's not much fun
When you thought you'd won
Angrily she ordered a double Snowball
A poor bunny lived alone in his hutch
No one seemed to care very much
A poor bunny lived alone in his hutch
No one seemed to care very much
Then he was joined by a mate
They had a few 'dates'
A poor bunny lived alone in his hutch
No one seemed to care very much
Then he was joined by a mate
They had a few 'dates'
And they huddled for warmth and touch.
***
A little old lady from York
A little old lady from York
Loved a meal of roast pork
Sausages, chops and bacon too
Just about anything piggy would do
A little old lady from York
Loved a meal of roast pork
Sausages, chops and bacon too
Just about anything piggy would do
She became so big she could hardly walk
Gladys was a stalwart vegetarian
She was pretty fit for an octogenarian
Gladys was a stalwart vegetarian
She was pretty fit for an octogenarian
Carrots and broccoli and anything green
On her plate meat would never be seen
Gladys was a stalwart vegetarian
She was pretty fit for an octogenarian
Carrots and broccoli and anything green
On her plate no meat would never be seen
I forgot to say she was Bavarian.
* * *
Ed was in Tesco's cafe, having a read
He's had a coffee and a good feed
Ed was in Tesco's cafe, having a read
He's had a coffee and a good feed
He's in there or Asda most every day
Meaning for heating he rarely pays
Ed was in Tesco's cafe, having a read
He's had a coffee and a good feed
He's in there or Asda most every day
Meaning for heating he rarely pays
If you can finish this limerick you are very clever indeed
Well done Scrumpy. :smiley: :upvote:
*
There was an old gal from Stowe
Who was a nosey old so-and-so
There was an old gal from Stowe
Who was a nosey old so-and-so
Her curtains were always twitching
For others business she was itching
There was an old gal from Stowe
Who was a nosey old so-and-so
Her curtains were always twitching
For others business she was always itching
And she would make up what she didn't know
While Eric was walking his Hound
While Eric was walking his Hound
He saw a gold coin on the ground
While Eric was walking his Hound
He saw a gold coin on the ground
What he saw caused him to frown
While Eric was walking his Hound
He saw a gold coin on the ground
What he saw caused him to frown
And he had to calm himself down
While Eric was walking his Hound
He saw a gold coin on the ground
What he saw caused him to frown
And he had to calm himself down
It was chocolate, ten for a £pound.
XxxxxxxxxxxxxX
Muriel wasn't right, she had sixteen cats
Unfortunately she had a tiny flat
Muriel wasn't right, she had sixteen cats
Unfortunately she had a tiny flat
One neighbour moaned about the pong
Truth be told he wasn't wrong
Muriel wasn't right, she had sixteen cats
Unfortunately she had a tiny flat
One neighbour moaned about the pong
Truth be told he wasn't wrong
As they always poo'd on the mats.
* * *
Joe called in the bakers for a bap
And saw Lucy with hers in her lap
Joe called in the bakers for a bap
And saw Lucy with hers in her lap
Big Lucy had forgotten her bra
Joe called in the bakers for a bap
And saw Lucy with hers in her lap
Big Lucy had forgotten her bra
Besides she liked to watch Joe's jaw
Joe called in the bakers for a bap
And saw Lucy with hers in her lap
Big Lucy had forgotten her bra
Besides she liked to watch Joe's jaw
And get him in all in a flap.
January 23, 2025, 11:08:19 AM
Nell was rehearsing her saucy play
The Vicar watched, and said "Ooh I say"
Nell was rehearsing her saucy play
The Vicar watched, and said "Ooh I say"
Young Nell needs to be careful in that low top
If she jiggles about then out they'll flop
Nell was rehearsing her saucy play
The vicar watched, and said 'Ooh I say'
Young Nell needs to be careful in that low top
If she jingles about then out they'll flop
All tickets were sold after just one day
The curtains went up on opening night
The curtains went up on opening night
Nell had taken Dutch courage and was quite tight
She staggered she swayed and one popped out
This brought forth a joyous shout
The Vicar clearly enjoyed the sight
The curtains went up on opening night
The cast were hoping they'd get their lines right
Quote from: GrannyMac on January 23, 2025, 07:24:45 PMThe curtains went up on opening night
The cast were hoping they'd get their lines right
(https://letschat.club/Smileys/klondike/winking-face_9609.png)
Sorry Granny, but Klondy just finished that one. :wink:
Can we start the next one? . .
* * *
Elsie bought some undies in town
Oops! 😬
Elsie bought some undies in town
A lacy bra, a thong and a baby doll nightgown
Elsie bought some undies in town
A lacy bra, a tiny thong and a baby doll nightgown
She felt a bit frisky
When she'd been at the whisky
Elsie bought some undies in town
A lacy bra, a tiny thong and a baby doll nightgown
She felt a bit frisky
When she'd been at the whisky
Poor Jim hid under the eiderdown.
************
At eighteen stone Elsie was quite scary
Jim thought 'I should have stuck with Mary'
At eighteen stone Elsie was quite scary
Jim thought 'I should have stuck with Mary'
Mary thought only of Barry
He is the one she wanted to marry
At eighteen stone Elsie was quite scary
Jim thought 'I should have stuck with Mary'
Mary thought only of Barry
He is the one she wanted to marry
Lucky for him he had been too wary
Oh what a tangled mess they weave
Nobody knows just who to believe
Oh what a tangled mess they weave
Nobody knows just who to believe
One tell you this,
And another says that
Oh what a tangled mess they weave
Nobody knows just who to believe
One tell you this,
And another says that
All of it is a load of crap
Meanwhile the press continue to deceive
A Dinghy boy settled in Deal :cool:
A Dinghy boy settled in Deal
He thought a bright future was sealed
A Dinghy boy settled in Deal
He thought a bright future was sealed
He was given a phone-and a nice hot feed
He was given a medical- and they checked his teeth
A Dinghy boy settled in Deal
He thought a bright future was sealed
He was given a phone and a nice hot feed
He was given a medical and they checked his teeth
And all this now thanks to Sir Kneel
Well my pension is almost spent
So I'm getting a dinghy and heading for Kent
I'll push off from a beach somewhere near Dover
When the RNLI save me then I'll be in clover
A winter break courtesy of that absolute gent
Oh dear my plan has gone astray
My dinghy has drifted and I'm near Calais
Oh dear my plan has gone astray
My dinghy has drifted and I'm near Calais
At least the wine is cheap
I'll have a drink and get some sleep
And try again on Saturday.
When Joan tripped over in the street,
Young Josh helped to find her a seat
When Joan tripped over in the street,
Young Josh helped to find her a seat
She though "What a kind young fellow"
And her heart began to mellow
When Joan tripped over in the street,
Young Josh helped to find her a seat
She though "What a kind young fellow"
And her heart began to mellow
Till she noticed the size of his feet !
A charming young lady from Ash Vale
A charming young lady from Ash Vale
Spent three days locked up in jail
She was charged with street walking
A charming young lady from Ash Vale
Spent three days locked up in jail
She was charged with street walking
But was really only talking
To a man who was posting his mail.
January 25, 2025, 12:30:00 PM
The sun shone over the hills
As Dave sat reading his bills
The sun shone over the hills
As Dave sat reading his bills
His power bill was far too large
Just look at that damned daily charge
The sun shone over the hills
As Dave sat reading his bills
His power bill was far too large
Just look at that damned daily charge
The worry was making him ill.
* * *
He decided to go rob a bank
Either that - or walk the plank
He decided to go rob a bank
Either that - or walk the plank
His pension was ebbing very fast
He didn't know how to make it last
He decided to go rob a bank
Either that - or walk the plank
His pension was ebbing very fast
He didn't know how to make it last
Day by day his savings shrank
He walked along his eyes cast down
There on the path was an old halfcrown
He walked along his eyes cast down
There on the path was an old half crown
He saw the Queens head was facing left
And she grew roses on her chest
He walked along his eyes cast down
There on the path was an old half crown
He saw the Queens head was facing left
And she grew roses on her chest
He saw it as a good omen, and ditched the frown.
* * *
Ernie made a mug of tea, and went back to bed
Ernie made a mug of tea, and went back to bed
He heard that there would be many storms ahead
Ernie made a mug of tea, and went back to bed
He heard that there would be many storms ahead
He was warm, he dozed awhile
Ernie made a mug of tea, and went back to bed
He heard that there would be many storms ahead
He was warm, he dozed awhile 💤
And woke with a smile 😃
Ernie made a mug of tea, and went back to bed
He heard that there would be many storms ahead
He was warm, he dozed awhile 💤
And woke with a smile 😃
Ready to earn his daily bread
Ernie set out to catch his train
Ernie set out to catch his train
Then it suddenly started to rain :rolleyes:
Ernie set out to catch his train
Then it suddenly started to rain (https://letschat.club/Smileys/klondike/face-with-rolling-eyes_9644.png)
Putting up his brolly
Made him drop his ice lolly
Ernie set out to catch his train
Then it suddenly started to rain (https://letschat.club/Smileys/klondike/face-with-rolling-eyes_9644.png)
Putting up his brolly
Made him drop his ice lolly
And it disappeared down the drain.
* * *
It will soon be Monday morn
It will soon be Monday morn
I wonder where the time has gone
The weeks and months fly very fast
It will soon be Monday morn
I wonder where the time has gone
The weeks and months fly very fast
Every day is soon distant past
It will soon be Monday morn
I wonder where the time has gone
The weeks and months fly very fast
Every day is soon distant past
And then its another dawn.
Abdul set out on the sea
Is he coming here to scrounge off me?
They've put him up in a posh hotel
There at my expense to dwell
He's phoning his mates now to come for tea
Myrtle had a secret, but thought it time to tell
She'd fallen in love with Bill, next door -
and was imagining wedding bells
Myrtle had a secret, but thought it time to tell
She'd fallen in love with Bill, next door-
and was imagining wedding bells
But it was only tinnitus ringing in her ears
Myrtle had a secret, but thought it time to tell
She'd fallen in love with Bill, next door-
and was imagining wedding bells
But it was only tinnitus ringing in her ears
She'd be fine after a few beers 🍻
Myrtle had a secret, but thought it time to tell
She'd fallen in love with Bill, next door-
and was imagining wedding bells
Bit it was only tinnitus ringing in her ears
She'd be fine after a few beers
And feeling as sound as a bell
Freda put on her lippy and headed for the shop
Freda put on her lippy and headed for the shop
Ideally for a nice young man but she'd settle for a chop.
Freda put on her lippy and headed for the shop
Ideally for a nice young man but she'd settle for a chop.
She popped into the butchers for a crafty look
And saw Bert's bloody apron near a carcass on a hook
She decided on her 'must have' list, he'd be at the top.
***********
Now Bert was shy, he hadn't a clue
Now Bert was shy, he hadn't a clue
But Freda knew just what to do
Now Bert was shy, he hadn't a clue
But Freda knew just what to do
She said, "Just follow my lead..."
Now Bert was shy,he hadn't a clue
But Freda knew just what to do
She said 'Just follow my lead'...
Our Freda was an expert indeed
Now Bert was shy, he hadn't a clue
But Freda knew just what to do
She said, "Just follow my lead..."
Poor Bert could no longer sustain such speed
Now Bert was shy, he hadn't a clue
But Freda knew just what to do
She said, "Just follow my lead..."
Poor Bert could no longer sustain such speed
So locked himself in the loo.
* * *
Poor Freda was left in tears
She'd been longing for Bert for years
Poor Freda was left in tears
She'd been longing for Bert for years
But just as she was going away
Bert plucked up courage and said 'stay'
Poor Freda was left in tears
She'd been longing for Bert for years
But just as she was going away
Bert plucked up courage and said 'stay'
Finally overcoming his fears
Bert removed his butchers smock
And said to Freda please don't mock
Bert removed his butchers smock
And said to Freda please don't mock
Then all was revealed
Their future was sealed
Bert removed his butchers smock
And said to Freda please don't mock
Then all was revealed
Their future was sealed
Bert's huge problem had caused no shock
Freda had a big smile on her face
Things had cracked on at a pace
Freda had a big smile on her face
Things had cracked on at a pace
So they both settled down
Freda had a big smile on her face
Things had cracked on at a pace
So they both settled down
Freda dreamed of a gown
A white one edged with nice lace
Now the vicar is reading the banns
Now the vicar is reading the banns
'Those that disagree raise your hands'
Now the vicar is reading the banns
'Those that disagree raise your hands'
Hilda is there
Her hand in the air
Bert is no gent he is trans
Good grief! Now what will Freda do?!
Good grief! Now what will Freda do?!
She'll tell Hilda she's a silly moo
Good grief! Now what will Freda do?!
She'll tell Hilda she's a silly moo
Bert's alter ego is a drag queen
But he's a man, as Freda's seen,
Her bun in the oven proves its true.
**************
That was the story of Freda and Bert
A determined woman, a butcher in a skirt
That was the story of Freda and Bert
A determined woman, a butcher in a skirt
Who knew all the best cuts of meat
There was nothing that Bert ,could her, teach
That was the story of Freda and Bert
A determined woman, a butcher in a skirt
Who knew all the best cuts of meat
There was nothing that Bert ,could her, teach
Together forever, and no one was hurt. ❤️
Ivy decided to make Brian a beef stew
Ivy decided to make Brian a beef stew
She has no beef , so Spam would do
Ivy decided to make Brian a beef stew
She has no beef , so Spam would do
My favourite Brian cried
But better when fried
Ivy decided to make Brian a beef stew
She had no beef, so Spam would do
My favourite Brien cried
But better when fried
And that is......very true
January 30, 2025, 08:54:58 AM
Brien is a mystery. Does he come from France !
Is he just a wide boy taking a big chance !
Brien is a mystery. Does he come from France !
Is he just a wide boy taking a big chance !
No, Brian's from the Midlands, quite near Brum
He goes on about inheritance , and has a tidy sum
He likes dogs and Wetherspoons, and doesn't want romance.
*************
A woman from Leeds name of Jean
A woman from Leeds name of Jean
Had a dog called Rover, big and mean
A woman from Leeds name of Jean
Had a dog called Rover, big and mean
She walked him in the park
A woman from Leeds name of Jean
Had a dog called Rover, big and mean
She walked him in the park
Each night after dark
A woman from Leeds name of Jean
Had a dog called Rover, big and mean
She walked him in the park
Each night after dark
And that was the last she was seen.
The Police came and searched the park
They carried on till way after dark
The big top circus.. rolled in to town
Freddie wore a funny hat. Freddie was a clown
The big top circus.. rolled in to town
Freddie wore a funny hat. Freddie was a clown.
Richard didn't wear a hat but he was still a dick
The big top circus.. rolled in to town
Freddy wore a funny hat. Freddie was a clown.
Richard didn't wear a hat but he was still a dick
He waved a magic wand which really was a stick
The big top circus.. rolled in to town
Freddy wore a funny hat. Freddie was a clown.
Richard didn't wear a hat but he was still a dick
He waved a magic wand which really was a stick
Lost his balance waving it and then he tumbled down
Horses had been in the ring just a little while before
Perhaps you can guess now the reason why he swore
Horses had been in the ring just a little while before
Perhaps you can guess now the reason why he swore
There was muck on the floor
Right up to the door
Horses had been in the ring just a little while before
Perhaps you can guess now the reason why he swore
There was muck on the floor
Right up to the door
Poor Freddie was expected to sweep up and more.
***************
There was an old fellow from Brighton
Who slept all night with the light on
There was an old fellow from Brighton
Who slept all night with the light on
And a lamp by his bed
While he sat up and read
There was an old fellow from Brighton
Who slept all night with the light on
And a lamp by his bed
While he sat up and read
Books intended to frighten !
An old man who lived in Barrow
Had for years walked the straight and narrow
An old man who live in Barrow
Had for years walked the straight and narrow
Then after one glass of beer
He grinned from ear to ear
An old man who live in Barrow
Had for years walked the straight and narrow
Then after one glass of beer
He grinned from ear to ear
And gobbled through a huge marsh mallow
A fella joined in a new forum
But worried incase he bored 'em
A fella joined in a new forum
But worried incase he bored 'em
He was welcomed by all
A fella joined in a new forum
But worried incase he bored 'em
He was welcomed by all
Even misery guts Paul
A fella joined in a new forum
But worried incase he bored 'em
He was welcomed by all
Even misery guts Paul
And he wrote all his work with decorum.
* * *
Lil sat at the bus stop and froze
She was cold right down to her toes
Lil sat at the bus stop and froze
She was cold right down to her toes
As she sat shivering in a huddle
Joe offered her a cuddle
Lil sat at the bus stop and froze
She was cold right down to her toes
As she sat shivering in a huddle
Joe offered her a cuddle
And kissed the tip of her nose.
*
One night old Fred couldn't sleep
Though he counted hundreds if Sheep
One night old Fred couldn't sleep
Though he counted hundreds of Sheep
So he walked round the park
One night old Fred couldn't sleep
Though he counted hundreds of Sheep
So he walked round the park
And met a lady called 'Lark'
But her beauty was only skin deep.
* * *
Why did Baz have to snore
Sleeping with him was getting a chore
Why did Baz have to snore
Sleeping with him was getting a chore
Not only snores cooled her heart
Why did Baz have to snore
Sleeping with him was getting a chore
Not only snores cooled her heart
And drove them apart 😉
He was mean, and a crashing big bore.
*********
Eddie thought he was in charge
But really, it was his wife Marge
Eddie thought he was in charge
But really, it was his wife MargeShe called the shots- SQuote (https://letschat.club/index.php?action=post;quote=133965;topic=3049)
Eddie thought he was in charge
But really, it was his wife Marge
She called the shots
And he washed the pots
Eddie thought he was in charge
But really, it was his wife Marge
She called the shots
And he washed the pots
And when she couldn't hear him he called her 'Sarge'
My washing's out, so it will rain
It's always the same - what a pain
My washing's out, so it will rain
It's always the same - what a pain
And if I go out without a brolly
The same will happen, its not jolly
I'll get soaked, yet again.
************
A woman from Bolton named Lil
For her birthday wanted a thrill
Her bloke Bill bought her flowers
She wanted Alton Towers
Now Lil has cut Bill from her will.
**********************
An old chap called Owain from Wales
An old chap called Owain from Wales
Loved flying his kite in the gales
He got pulled right up and into the sky
He smiled and let out an almighty sigh
When he landed safely in the Yorkshire Dales
An elderly sheep stared at Owain
Who frowned and thought not again
An elderly sheep stared at Owain
Who frowned and thought not again
This man's a right nana
An elderly sheep stared at Owain
Who frowned and thought not again
This man's a right nana
Next he'll be off to the savannah
An elderly sheep stared at Owain
Who frowned and thought not again
This mans a right nana
Next he'll be off to the savanna
To meet a Wildebeest on the plain
Dick joined dating site looking for a bride
Dick joined a dating site looking for a bride
Dick was only five feet tall, and sadly five feet wide
Dick joined dating site looking for a bride
Dick was only 5 feet tall, and sadly 5 feet wide
But he had a nice smile, and a heart of gold
And wanted a wife before he was too old
Dick joined a dating site looking for a bride
Dick was only 5 feet tall, and sadly 5 feet wide
But he had a nice smile ,and a heart of gold
And wanted a wife before he was too old
Failing this he'd have a bit on the side
The man in the Chippy, called Lee
Didn't know which sex to be
The man in the Chippy, called Lee
Didn't know which sex to be
Sometimes he was He
Sometimes he was She
The man in the Chippy, called Lee
Didn't know which sex to be
Sometimes he was He
Sometimes he was She
Sometimes he was Lee .Sometimes Maggie
Sherilee was a swinger back in 1965
Frankie was her partner and they knew how to jive
Sherilee was a swinger back in 1965
Frankie was her partner and they knew how to jive
They used to meet Gert & Fred
Sherilee was a swinger back in 1965
Frankie was her partner and they knew how to jive
They used to meet Gert & Fred
Who were a bit older and he was a "Ted".
Sherilee was a swinger back in 1965
Frankie was her partner and they knew how to jive
They used to meet Gert & Fred
Who were a bit older and he was a "Ted"
And go to all the concerts that were live.
*
Fred said 'It's too cold to go far today'
Fred said 'It's too cold to go far today'
I'll be staying in bed with my neighbour Kay
Fred said 'It's too cold to go far today'
I'll be staying in bed with my neighbour Kay
She feisty and fun!
Fred said 'It's too cold to go far today'
I'll be staying in bed with my neighbour Kay
She feisty and fun!
And when all said and done
Fred said 'It's too cold to go far today'
I'll be staying in bed with my neighbour Kay
She feisty and fun!
And when all said and done
It's much more fun to stay in and play
Of late Elsie was feeling the cold
Eric said it was because she was old
Of late Elsie was feeling the cold
Eric said it was because she was old
Certainly for those skimpy panties
Way past the age for wearing scanties
Of late Elsie was feeling the cold
Eric said it was because she was old
Certainly for those skimpy panties
Way past the age for wearing scanties
But what the hell, let's be bold!
Cyril wore a string vest and his nipples showed through
He said it was fashionable, said it kept him cool
Cyril wore a string vest and his nipples showed through
He said it was fashionable, said it kept him cool
Reasonable in summer, Cyril's Missus said
But ridiculous in winter, and off putting in bed
Cyril wore a string vest and his nipples showed through
He said it was fashionable, said he kept him cool
Reasonable in summer, Cyril's Missus said
But ridiculous in winter, and off putting in bed
But Cyril , being Cyril, didn't have a clue
Winnie went to church a lot
To save her soul, or so she thought
Winnie went to church a lot
To save her soul, or so she thought
She prayed and sang
Till her elastic went twang
Winnie went to church a lot
To save her soul, or so she thought
She payed and sang
Till her elastic went twang
Not that she cared a jot
She whipped her drawers up off the ground
Hoping none had heard the sound
She whipped her drawers up off the ground
Hoping none had heard the sound
But little Billy had seen it all
He saw the red drawers .He saw them fall
She whipped her drawers up off the ground
Hoping none had heard the sound
But little Billy had seen it all
He saw the red drawers. He saw them fall
Billy laughed and pointed, Winnie frowned
Weak elastic was Winnies claim
Really it was her bum to blame
Weak elastic was Winnies claim
Really it was her bum to blame
Her bum was a 22 cotton mix
The drawers she wore were silk size 6
Weak elastic was Winnies claim
Really it was her bum to blame
Her bum was a 22 cotton mix
The drawers she wore were silk size 6
Deluded Winnie, such a shame !
Peter Parker from Bude
Was old and extremely rude
Peter Parker from Bude
Was old and extremely rude
He joined a forum just to annoy
Peter Parker from Bude
Was old and extremely rude
He joined a forum just to annoy
What a naughty boy!
Peter Parker from Bude
Was old and extremely rude
He joined a forum just to annoy
What a naughty boy!
And used to sit and type in the nude. :grin:
* * *
Then there was Lucy and Joan from Kent
Then there was Lucy and Joan from Kent
Moved in together to save on rent
Then there was Lucy and Joan from Kent
Moved in together to save on rent
Joan then changed her name to Jim
And altered her pronouns to he & him
Then there was Lucy and Joan from Kent
Moved in together to save on rent
Joan then changed her name to Jim
And altered her pronouns to he & him
And had 'Mr.' put on mail that was sent.
* * *
Jed was fed up with the damp and the cold
Jed was fed up with the damp and cold
He decided to do something really bold
He robbed the Co-op of some steak and gin
And hoped the prison would take him in
Jed was fed up with the damp and cold
He decided to do something really bold
He robbed the Co-op of some steak and gin
And hoped the prison would take him in
They did - and his house was sold.
* * *
Mick's dog snored gently as she slept
Mick's dog snored gently as she slept
She dreamed of cats, and then up she leapt
Mick's dog snored gently as she slept
She dreamed of cats, and then up she leapt
A big ginger puss was on the fence
Mick's dog watched in great suspense
Mick's dog snored gently as she slept
She dreamed of cats, and then up she leapt
A big ginger puss was on the fence
Mick's dog watched in great suspense
At 'laying low' he was most adept
Nell was all excited about Valentine's Day
Nell was all excited about Valentine's Day
She hoped flowers and cards were on the way
Nell was all excited about Valentine's Day
She hoped flowers and cards were on the way
She bought a new frock and new lippy too
Nell was all excited about Valentine's Day
She hoped flowers and cards were on the way
She bought a new frock and new lippy too
Hoping her suitors formed an orderly queue
Nell was excited about Valentine's Day
She hoped flowers and cards were on the way
She bought a new frock and a new lippy too
Hoping her suitors formed an orderly queue
But the man at her door was the village idiot Ray
Betty dyed her hair a bright colour red
Betty dyed her hair a bright colour red
She had no care what others said
For she had decided to be bold
Betty dyed her hair a bright colour red
She had no care what others said
For she had decided to be bold
And have some fun before she's too old
Betty dyed her hair a bright colour red
She had no care what others said
For she had decided to be bold
And have some fun before she's too old
But Betty drew the line at getting wed !
Inspector Daring was a cop at the Met
Inspector Daring was a cop at the Met
He liked a drink, he liked a bet
Inspector Daring was a cop at the Met
He liked a drink, he liked a bet
A bit of a lad
Inspector Daring was a cop at the Met
He liked to drink, he liked to bet
A bit of a lad
His handcuffs in bed made his wife very glad
Inspector Daring was a cop at the Met
He liked a drink, he liked a bet
A bit of a lad -
Some said a Cad
Inspector Daring was a cop at the Met
He liked a drink, he liked a bet
A bit of a lad -
Some said a Cad
Some said he was really a pet!!
There was a young man from Marden
There was a young man from Marden
Who loved to spend time in his garden
There was a young man from Marden
Who loved to spend time in his garden
But his hearing was lacking
So when the neighbour kept yakking
All he kept saying was . . 'Pardon?'
* * *
When Phil was cooking his tea
When Phil was cooking his tea
He was stung on the nose by a bee
When Phil was cooking his tea
He was stung on the nose by a bee
It swelled up and started to throb
When Phil was cooking his tea
He was stung on the nose by a bee
It swelled up and started to throb
And made the poor man sob
When Phil was cooking his tea
He was stung on the nose by a bee
It swelled up and started to throb
And made the poor man sob
So much that he could hardly see
As Bert watched the sun set in the West
As Bert watched the sunset in the West
A spider crawled under his vest 🕷
As Bert watched the sun set in the West
A spider crawled under his vest 🕷
He first felt a tickle
Followed by a prickle
As Bert watched the sun set in the West
A spider crawled under his vest 🕷
He first felt a tickle
Followed by a prickle
Now he has a bare chest.
***********
Dave sent Lil a Valentine
All hearts and roses saying 'Please be Mine'
Dave sent Lil a Valentine
All hearts and roses saying 'Please be Mine'
She guessed it was from Dave -
Although unusually brave
Dave sent Lil a Valentine
All hearts and roses saying 'Please be Mine'
She guessed it was from Dave -
Although unusually brave
He'd just drunk five glasses of wine🍷 🥂
It was late and the day was all done
It was late and the day was all done
But the noise from the neighbours had just begun
It was late and the day was all done
But the noise from the neighbours had just begun
They were hanging a picture of uncle Phil
And they needed to use a power drill
It was late and the day was all done
But the noise from the neighbours had just begun
They were hanging a picture of uncle Phil
And they needed to use a power drill
And I didn't find it much fun!
*
When Mavis went to the church fete
When Mavis went to the church fete
She won the raffle. A secret date.
When Mavis went to the church fete
She won the raffle. A secret date.
Bob the butcher was the prize
Mavis couldn't believe her eyes
When Mavis went to the church fete
She won the raffle. A secret date.
Bob the butcher was the prize
Mavis couldn't believe her eyes
He brought her sausages on a plate!
**************
Dave went shopping up in town
He wanted slippers, and a dressing gown
Dave went shopping up in town
He wanted slippers, and a dressing gown
But he forgot what he went for
And consequently spent more
Dave went shopping up in town
He wanted slippers, and a dressing gown
But he forgot what he went for
And consequently spent more
He headed for home but his car broke down
Susan and Emma took a trip to Nice
Susan and Emma took a trip to Nice
They fell foul of the French police
Susan and Emma took a trip to Nice
They fell foul of the French police
They were merry on cognac- they'd had a few
Did the Can Can - their M&S knickers in full view
Susan and Emma took a trip to Nice
They fell foul of the French police
They were merry on cognac- they'd had a few
Did the Can Can - their M&S knickers in full view
Each got seven days for a breach of the peace
That French police cell was truly bad
Enough to drive a poor girl mad
That French police cell was truly bad
Enough to drive a poor girl mad
They paid their fines and scurried home
Their foreign travelling days were done
The French police cell was truly bad
Enough to drive a poor girl mad
They paid their fines and scurried home
Their foreign travelling days were done
Next year it was Skeggy .Which made them sad.
Someone stole Freddy's bike
So him and Sue went for a hike
Someone stole Freddy's bike
So him and Sue went for a hike
She got blisters, his feet were sore
they thought that they could walk no more
Someone stole Freddy's bike
So him and Sue went for a hike
She got blisters, his feet were sore
they thought that they could walk no more
They got a lift thinking "What's not to like?"
Two miles on the truck broke down
They all scowled and then to frown
Two miles on the truck broke down
They all scowled and then to frown
"Shall we get off and walk?"
Was the gist of their talk
Two miles on the truck broke down
They all scowled and then to frown
"Shall we get off and walk?"
Was the gist of their talk
But fourteen miles to the nearest town?
They decided to try thumbing again
Too far to walk that was plain
They decided to try thumbing again
Too far to walk that was plain
Then a dust cart came up the road
It was Fred and Bert with a heavy load
They decided to try thumbing again
Too far to walk that was plain
Then a dust cart came up the road
It was Fred and Bert with a heavy load
On they hopped as it trundled up the lane 🚚 🚛
When Freddie went on a blind date
When Freddie went on a blind date
He'd arranged to meet up at eight
When Freddie went on a blind date
He'd arranged to meet up at eight
In his best suit and tie
He was a sight for sore eyes
When Freddie went on a blind date
He'd arranged to meet up at eight
In his best suit and tie
He was a sight for sore eyes
Sue fancied Freddie and she couldn't wait
Best draw a veil over what came next
Best draw a veil over what came next
No, I'm going to tell. What the heck
They kissed and cuddled in a Mini car
Best draw a veil over what came next
No, I'm going to tell. What the heck
They kissed and cuddled in a Mini car
But the handbrake wasn't on - and they rolled far
Best draw a veil over what came next
No, I'm going to tell. What the heck
They kissed and cuddled in a Mini car
But the handbrake wasn't on - and they rolled far
And ended up in Weedon Bec.
*
A policeman came, and tapped on the glass
A policeman came, and tapped on the glass
Freddie started the car and stepped on the gas
A policeman came, and tapped on the glass
Freddie started the car and stepped on the gas
He roared up the road
A policeman came, and tapped on the glass
Freddie started the car and stepped on the gas
He roared up the road
At the cross roads he slowed
A policeman came, and tapped on the glass
Freddie started the car and stepped on the gas
He roared up the road
At the cross roads he slowed
To allow a double decker to pass
Roy looked out the window at the wind and rain
Roy looked out the window at the wind and rain
He'd so been looking forward to his date with Jane
Roy looked out the window at the wind and rain
He'd so been looking forward to his date with Jane
He put on his galoshes and his plastic mac
Roy looked out the window at the wind and rain
He'd so been looking forward to his date with Jane
He put on his galoshes and his plastic mac
It had been raining so much he wanted to quack
Roy looked out the window at the wind and rain
He'd been so looking forward to his date with Jane
He put on his galoshes and his plastic mac
It had been raining so much he wanted to quack
And what was worse he'd missed his train
Poor Jane was left standing in the street
Wondering if this was where they planned to meet
Poor Jane was left standing in the street
Wondering if this was where they planned to meet
She gave up hope -
And called him a dope
Poor Jane was left standing in the street
Wondering if this was where they planned to meet
She gave up hope -
And called him a dope
And then down came a shower of sleet
A man sat fishing on the river bank
He ate his sarnies, and then he drank
Then a huge Trout swam by
And winked his eye
A man sat fishing on the river bank
He ate his sarnies, and then he drank
Then a huge Trout swam by
And winked his eye
And he thought he recognised his old friend Frank
While queuing in the Chippy one night
While queuing in the Chippy one night
Lucy had a terrible fright
While queuing in the Chippy one night
Lucy had a terrible fright
A man came in brandishing a gun
While queuing in the Chippy one night
Lucy had a terrible fright
A man came in brandishing a gun
It was a toy, not a real one
So she thumped him with all her might
***************
The man who runs the chippy never looks his best
A fat spattered apron, and a mucky string vest
The man who runs the chippy never looks his best
A fat spattered apron, and a mucky string vest
He hails from Thessaloniki and arrived in sixty six
The man who runs the chippy never looks his best
A fat spattered apron, and a mucky string vest
He hails from Thessaloniki and arrived in sixty six
He licks his fingers and uses his sleeve when his nose drips
The man who runs the chippy never looks his best
A fat spattered apron, and a mucky string vest
He hails from Thessaloniki and arrived in sixty six
He licks his fingers and uses his sleeve when his nose drips
But his stuffed squid will pass any test
The man at the Co-op, name of Bill
The man at the Co-op, name of Bill
Was caught with his fingers in the till
The man at the Co-op, name of Bill
Was caught with his fingers in the till
He was given the sack
The man at the Co-op, name of Bill
Was caught with his fingers in the till
He was given the sack
Told not to come back so
He jumped on a flight to Brazil
Bill was waiting for his flight to Brazil
Bill was waiting for his flight to Brazil
After taking his travel pill
Bill was waiting for his flight to Brazil
After taking his travel pill
But then he had an idea 💡
Bill was waiting for his flight to Brazil
After taking his travel pill
But then he had an idea 💡
And went for a beer
Bill was waiting for his flight to Brazil
After taking his travel pill
But then he had an idea 💡
And went for a beer
And called up his good friend Jiĺl
While sitting in Tesco with his coffee
Bill fancied a slice of Bannoffee
While sitting in Tesco with his coffee
Bill fancied a slice of Bannoffee
But it was all gone
So he had a buttered scone
While sitting in Tesco with his coffee
Bill fancied a slice of Bannoffee
But it was all gone
So he had a buttered scone
And finished off with some Toffee.
*
A gorgeous gal moved in near Fred
A gorgeous gal moved in near Fred
What she did next just messed with his head
A gorgeous gal moved in near Fred
What she did next just messed with his head
She sunbathed in the nude
A gorgeous gal moved in near Fred
What she did next just messed with his head
She sunbathed in the nude
Was she aware she was being viewed?
A gorgeous gal moved in near Fred
What she did next just messed with his head
She sunbathed in the nude
Was she aware she was being viewed?
When on a chair her neighbour stood?
**************
Fred leaned forward to better see
The chair tipped over, and so did he
Fred leaned forward to better see
The chair tipped over, and so did he
Fred toppled down and broke the fence
He was ready to scoot his muscles tense
The young lady came over and offered him tea
Would you like to join my naturist club?
Would you like to join my naturist club?
We meet every Saturday down the pub
Would you like to join my naturist club?
We meet every Saturday down the pub
Not a stitch on us
Would you like to join my naturist club?
We meet every Saturday down the pub
Not a stitch on us
It can cause quit a fuss
Would you like to join my naturist club?
We meet every Saturday down the pub
Not a stitch on us
It can cause quit a fuss
Even made one of my friends blub.
*
Fred was on his way up to bed
Fred was on his way up to bed
When a sudden thought entered his head
Fred was on his way up to bed
When a sudden thought entered his head
Was he going up the stairs or was he going down
Fred was on his way to bed
When a sudden thought entered his head
Was he going up the stairs or was he going down
Should he be in his jeans or in his dressing gown !
Too much wine last night.. should have stuck to coke instead
I hear Mavis got a wolf whistle today
I hear Mavis got a wolf whistle today
She had to smile and give her hips a sway
I hear Mavis got a wolf whistle today
She had to smile and give her hips a sway
She fluttered her eyelashes and stuck out her chest
She knew she was sexy and looking her best
I hear Mavis got a wolf whistle today
She had to smile and give her hips a sway
She fluttered her eyelashes and stuck out her chest
She knew she was sexy and looking her best
And fancied a roll in the hay. :grin:
*
Gert's groceries were delivered each week
Gert's groceries were delivered each week
There was one delivery man to whom she loved to speak
Gert's groceries were delivered each week
There was a delivery man to whom she loved to speak
Eggs and milk, shampoo for her hair
He carried her baps with so much care
Gert's groceries were delivered each week
There was a delivery man to whom she loved to speak
Eggs and milk, shampoo for her hair
He handled her baps with so much care
Never so roughly to cause a shriek
There was an old farmer from Slough
There was an old farmer from Slough
Who was very attached to his cow
There was an old farmer from Slough
Who was very attached to his cow
He milked her with care 🐄
There was an old farmer from Slough
Who was very attached to his cow
He milked her with care 🐄
Even took her to the fair
There was an old farmer from Slough
Who was very attached to his cow
He milked her with care 🐄
Even took her to the fair
Along with her bestie the sow
A nice young Adonis from Bath
A nice young Adonis from Bath
Met a girl in the library called Kath
A nice young Adonis from Bath
Met a girl in the library called Kath
Overcome by his looks
She forgot all about books
A nice young Adonis from Bath
Met a girl in the library called Kath
Overcome by his looks
She forgot all about books
And took him up the garden path.
*
There was an old man from Stranraer
Who toddled down the pub for a beer
There was an old man from Stranraer
Who toddled down the pub for a beer
He met up with Joe and another called Mick
The beer that they supped was always on tick
There was an old man from Stranraer
Who toddled down the pub for a beer
He met up with Joe and another called Mick
The beer that they supped was always on tick
The landlord knew they lived quite near.
************
Maggie thought she was a really good cook
But she didn't use a recipe book
Maggie thought she was a really good cook
But she didn't use a recipe book
What whatever she'd got would go in the pot
Sometimes it was good, and sometimes not
Maggie thought she was a really good cook
But she didn't use a recipe book
What whatever she'd got would go in the pot
Sometimes it was good, and sometimes not
If offered any first take a crafty look
Maggie made a mistake the other day
We all wonder if she'll be made to pay
Maggie made a mistake the other day
We all wonder if she'll be made to pay
She took someone's shopping, 'twas a bag like hers
And then realised she'd got somebody's purse
Maggie made a mistake the other day
We all wonder if she'll be made to pay
She took someone's shopping, 'twas a bag like hers
And then realised she'd got somebody's purse
When the bizzies arrived she had nowt to say.
A hardworking man from Bhutan
A hardworking man from Bhutan
Had a Norwegian wife named Jan
A hardworking man from Bhutan
Had a Norwegian wife named Jan
He loved her dearly
She loved him - well nearly
A hard working man from Bhutan
Had a Norwegian wife named Jan
He loved her dearly
She loved him- well nearly
She fancied his brother called Ram
'Twas Open Day at the Church
And the Vicar's Parrot sat on a perch
'Twas Open Day at the Church
And the Vicar's Parrot sat on a perch
My goodness did those visitors stare
When Polly Parrot began to swear
'Twas Open Day at the Church
And the Vicar's Parrot sat on a perch
My goodness did those visitors stare
When Polly Parrot began to swear
Then settled on Madge for a search.
Last summer at the Village Fete
Last summer at the Village Fete
The vicar got in a right old state
Last summer at the Village Fete
The vicar got in a right old state
The elderflower wine was pretty strong
Two glasses and he burst into song
Last summer at the Village Fete
The vicar got in a right old state
The elderflower wine was pretty strong
Two glasses and he burst into song
He was last seen draped over the vicarage gate
The vicar revived his eyes were bleary
The vicar revived his eyes were bleary
He yawned and stretched, and looked so weary
The vicar revived his eyes were bleary
He yawned and stretched, and looked so weary
He stumbled down the path to home
Tripping over a garden gnome
He saw his wife, and said 'sorry dearie'.
***********
There was a young woman from Slough
There was a young woman from Slough
Who took in a lodger from Krakow
There was a young woman from Slough
Who took in a lodger from Krakow
For several weeks
They just didn't speak
There was a young woman from Slough
Who took in a lodger from Krakow
For several weeks
They just didn't speak
And then one day, you guessed it! KAPPOW!! 🥳 💘
Kev sat in the Working Man's Club
Kev sat in the Working Man's Club
Cheaper beer than it was in the pub
Kev sat in the Working Man's Club
Cheaper beer than it was in the pub
Ten bob a year membership fee
Two turns a week, entrance free
He fancied the barmaid, but she gave him a snub.
*****************
Kev tried his luck at the bingo with Fred
Fred's dobber was black, Kev's was red
Kev tried his luck at the bingo with Fred
Fred's dobber was black, Kev's was red
They were jealous of Joe's who's dobber was green
His dobber was the biggest they'd seen
Kev tried his luck at the bingo with Fred
Fred's dobber was black, Kev's was red
They were jealous of Joe's who's dobber was green
His dobber was the biggest they'd seen
Joe always took his dobber to bed
Fred and Betty settled in France
Fred and Betty settled in France
To start again, and have a new chance
Fred and Betty settled in France
To start again, and have a new chance
The liked the cheese, drank lots of wine
They really had a lovely time
Fred and Betty settled in France
To start again, and have a new chance
The liked the cheese, drank lots of wine
They really had a lovely time
Then joined a club and learned how to dance.
Mabel's husband snores like all night
Gob wide open, what a sight
Gone are the days of cuddles and love
Mabel's husband snores all night
Gob wide open, what a sight
Gone were the days of cuddles and love
No rumpy pumpy ,none of that stuff
Mabel's husband snores all night
Gob wide open, what a sight
Gone are the days of cuddles and love
No rumpy pumpy, none of that stuff
And if he tried, it would give her a fright.
Sally was the Carnival Queen back in fifty-two
Sally was the Carnival Queen back in fifty-two
She was gorgeous with raven hair and eyes of blue
Sally was the Carnival Queen back in fifty-two
She was gorgeous with raven hair and eyes of blue
She cut the ribbon at the new Co-op store
Sally was the Carnival Queen back in fifty-two
She was gorgeous with raven hair and eyes of blue
She cut the ribbon at the new Co-op store
Then dropped off her washing at the laundry next door
Sally was the Carnival Queen back in fifty-two
She was gorgeous with raven hair and eyes of blue
She cut the ribbon at the new Co-op store
Then dropped off her washing at the laundry next door
And went home to make a Beef Stew.
An old man was walking his dog
An old man was walking his dog
He paused a while and sat on a log :rolleyes:
An old man was walking his dog
He paused a while and sat on a log :rolleyes:
A passing stranger greeted him
Well I'll be blowed my old mate Jim
An old man was walking his dog
He paused a while and sat on a log :rolleyes:
A passing stranger greeted him
Well I'll be blowed my old mate Jim
I thought you had popped your clogs.
Kathy knew her husband was 'playing away'
He told her it was football but she thought 'No way'
Kathy knew her husband was 'playing away'
He told her it was football but she thought 'No way'
What team plays late every night?
He must think I'm none too bright
Kathy knew her husband was 'playing away'
He told her it was football but she thought 'No way'
What team plays late every night?
He must think I'm none too bright
So time I had something to say!
She tackled him when he came home
She'd had a look at his phone
She tackled him when he came home
She'd had a look at his phone
A name came up, who was this Ann?
He claimed she was a football fan
Who followed the team away and at home!
Kathy didn't believe a word he said
Kathy didn't believe a word he said
She could just see him in this Anne's bed
So she hatched a cunning plot
Kathy didn't believe a word he said
She could just see him in this Anne's bed
So she hatched a cunning plot
And waited, her stomach in a knot
Kathy didn't believe a word he said
She could just see him in this Anne's bed
So she hatched a cunning plot
And waited, her stomach in a knot
Til he came home, his face all red.
**************
She'd put a tracker in his car
And followed it, it wasn't far
She'd put a tracker in his car
And followed it, it wasn't far
A light upstairs and there's a chink
What's that she spots it looks all pink
She'd put a tracker in his car
And followed it, it wasn't far
A light upstairs and there's a chink
What's that she spots it looks all pink
Her husband in pink frock stood there
She couldn't believe what she saw there
A dozen curlers in his hair
She couldn't believe what she saw there
A dozen curlers in his hair
With make up that would grace a clown
4 inch stilettos, he'd gone to town
On the plus side, there was no affair!
***************
Poor Kathy, now she's lost her man
But not as she thought to an affair with Anne
Poor Kathy, now she's lost her man
But not as she thought to an affair with Anne
But to another, who's name was Barry
And sometimes with a bloke called Gary
Poor Kathy, now she's lost her man
But not as she thought to an affair with Anne
But to another, who's name was Barry
And sometimes with a bloke called Gary
So her marriage went down the pan.
In a small launderette in Bude
A man sat and waited in the nude
In a small launderette in Bude
A man sat and waited in the nude
He sat watching his undies spinning
Ignoring folks who were mostly grinning
In a small launderette in Bude
A man sat and waited in the nude
He sat watching his undies spinning
Ignoring folks who were mostly grinning
He certainly was one cool dude
It was market day down in Kent
It was market day down in Kent
Sally donned her red hat and off she went
It was market day down in Kent
Sally donned her red hat and off she went
Yorkshire sausages are what she saught
She knew the best place they could be bought
It was market day down in Kent
Sally donned her red hat and off she went
Yorkshire sausages are what she sought
She knew the best place they could be bought
From a mobile butcher in a tent.
He was a huge man, with very blue eyes
And was proud that he made his very own pies
He was a huge man with very blue eyes
And was proud that he made his very own pies
His sausages were plump and tasty too
But his meat balls were tough to chew
He was a huge man with very blue eyes
And was proud that he made his very own pies
His sausages were plump and tasty too
But his meat balls were tough to chew
And he seemed to attract lots of flies
Then Sally went to get some bra hooks
And next, had a browse round the books
As she wandered along
Humming a song
Then Sally went to get some bra hooks
And next, had a browse round the books
As she wandered along
Humming a song
Which earned her several dirty looks
The market had numerous stalls
Selling towels, shoes, even ping pong balls
The market had numerous stalls
Selling towels, shoes, even ping pong balls
But she wanted a Pen
For a new friend, Ben
The market had numerous stalls
Selling towels, shoes, even ping pong balls
But she wanted a Pen
For a new friend, Ben
So he could order new overalls
Then off she went to Next
To look for a nice warm vest
Then off she went to Next
To look for a nice warm vest
Oh dear it looks like they've closed down
Soon there'll be no shops in town
Then off she went to Next
To look for a nice warm vest
Oh dear it looks like they've closed down
Soon there'll be no shops in town
Just charity and coffee shops ,gone are all the rest
And last she stopped for a coffee
And bumped into her old mate Poppy
And last she stopped for a coffee
And bumped into her old mate Poppy
Did you hear about poor old Nell?
Now promise that you'll never tell
And last she stopped for a coffee
And bumped into her old mate Poppy
Did you hear about poor old Nell?
Now promise that you'll never tell
She's been dumped by her bloke, Rocky.
He ran off with a new young floosie
He ran off with a new young floosie
It's his neighbour, name of Susie
She's known around the neighbourhood
He ran off with a new young floosie
It's his neighbour, name of Susie
She's known around the neighbourhood
Lots of rumours, some not good
He ran off with a new young floosie
It's his neighbour, name of Susie
She's known around the neighbourhood
Lots of rumours, some not good
Bit he wasn't the sort that was choosy.
While Eric was washing his car
While Eric was washing his car
He left his teeth in a jar
While Eric was washing his car
He left his teeth in a jar
But the dog tipped it over
While Eric was washing his car
He left his teeth in a jar
But the dog tipped it over
The teeth were swallowed by Rover
While Eric was washing his car
He left his teeth in a jar
But the dog tipped it over
The teeth were swallowed by Rover
When he barked he looked quite bizarre.
Fred was pulling up weeds all day
Fred was pulling up weeds all day
His garden was a mess he thought with dismay
Fred was pulling up weeds all day
His garden was a mess he thought with dismay
He needed some help he thought with a frown
He'd look for a handyman when next in town
Fred was pulling up weeds all day
His garden was a mess he thought with dismay
He needed some help he thought with a frown
He'd look for a handyman when next in town
To find a good one he may have to pray
Fred paid Shamus to do the weeding
Fed up with fingers that were bleeding
Fred paid Shamus to do the weeding
Fed up with fingers that were bleeding
But he paid him up front, a big mistake
Shamus was a con man on the make
Fred paid Shamus to do the weeding
Fed up with fingers that were bleeding
But he paid him up front, a big mistake
Shamus was a con man on the make
His weeds are still there and they're seeding
Then in Lidl - a gas weed burner
Cheaper than handing out another earner
Then in Lidl- a gas weed burner
Cheaper than handing out another earner
So, with flame thrower held in hand
He aimed it at weeds on his land
Then in Lidl- a gas weed burner
Cheaper than handing out another earner
So, with flame thrower held in hand
He aimed it at weeds on his land
They're clear now, at leat one corner!
To the middle of Lidl Fred ventured once more
Excited to see what else was in store
To the middle of Lidl Fred ventured once more
Excited to see what else was in store
But on the way he grabbed a YumYum
A pack of Bratwurst and a bottle of rum
To the middle of Lidl Fred ventured once more
Excited to see what else was in store
But on the way he grabbed a YumYum
A pack of Bratwurst and a bottle of rum
Then forgot what he went in there for.
In the car park Fred couldn't see his car
He looked everywhere, near or far
In the car park Fred couldn't see his car
He looked everywhere, near or far
Then at last his car he spied
His key didn't work. He could have cried
Back to Lidl - they'd had a crowbar
When he got back the car wasn't there
Fred began to pull his hair
When he got back the car wasn't there
Fred began to pull his hair
Where had it gone, he knew it was there
Then people began to gather and stare
When he got back the car wasn't there
Fred began to pull his hair
Where had it gone, he knew it was there
Then people began to gather and stare
How the story began he really don't care !
Bert was at his allotment admiring his beans
When he got hooked on the fence and ripped his jeans
Bert was at his allotment admiring his beans
When he got hooked on the fence and ripped his jeans
Altogether too much Bert on display
Whatever would the ladies say
Bert was at his allotment admiring his beans
When he got hooked on the fence and ripped his jeans
Altogether too much Bert on display
Whatever would the ladies say
Was underwear beyond his means?
**********
Betty did her housework in the buff
Washing, dusting and cleaning stuff
Betty did her housework in the buff
Washing , dusting and cleaning stuff
Friday was window cleaning day
Many men walked pass that way
Betty did her housework in the buff
Washing , dusting and cleaning stuff
Friday was window cleaning day
Many men walked pass that way
But Enid next door said "That's enough!"
Fred studied his bank balance today
And said "That can't be right - no way"
Fred studied his bank balance today
And said "That can't be right - no way"
Where's all my money? 💰
Fred studied his bank balance today
And said "That can't be right- no way"
Where's all my money ?
All spent on a honey!!
Who lived just two doors away
The Honey we mentioned was married
The Honey we mentioned was married
And a young bairn she carried
The Honey we mentioned was married
And a young bairn she carried
Would it be ginger just like Fred
The Honey we mentioned was married
And a young bairn she carried
Would it be ginger just like Fred
Or like somebody else who'd been in her bed
The Honey we mentioned was married
And a young bairn she carried
Would it be ginger just like Fred
Or like somebody else who'd been in her bed
She wasn't the slightest bit worried.
Edith went into Waitrose for a bite
Something nourishing, tasty, but light
Edith went to Waitrose for a bite
Something nourishing, tasty, but light
A nice custard tart would go down a treat
Edith went to Waitrose for a bite
Something nourishing, tasty, but light
A nice custard tart would go down a treat
She really was craving something sweet
Edith went to Waitrose for a bite
Something nourishing, tasty, but light
A nice custard tart would go down a treat
She really was craving something sweet
But then she had a bit of a fright.
In came her ex, with a blonde on his arm
In came her ex, with a blonde on his arm
She gave him a kiss, after all where's the harm?
In came her ex, with a blonde on his arm
She gave him a kiss, after all where's the harm?
Edith decided to get out quick
Watching them smooch made her feel sick
In came her ex, with a blonde on his arm
She gave him a kiss, after all where's the harm?
Edith decided to get out quick
Watching them smooch made her feel sick
So she walked out and then turned on the charm
A new vicar arrived his name was Geoff
A new vicar arrived his name was Geoff
Under his smock he wore a string vest
A new vicar arrived his name was Geoff
Under his smock he wore a string vest
He had a ring in his nose
And tattoos under his clothes
A new vicar arrived his name was Geoff
Under his smock he wore a string vest
He had a ring in his nose
And tattoos under his clothes
His hair was tatty, like a rat's nest
**************
The ladies of the choir weren't impressed
By his clothes, his piercings, or his string vest
The ladies of the choir weren't impressed
By his clothes, his piercings, or his string vest
It just wasn't the thing -
And he couldn't even sing
The ladies of the choir weren't impressed
By his clothes, his piercings, or his string vest
It just wasn't the thing -
And he couldn't even sing
So they smothered him and laid him to rest ⚰
Brutal that Ruth! 😂
***************
Jessie had no dress sense, she often looked a sight
Quote from: GrannyMac on March 12, 2025, 06:20:43 PMBrutal that Ruth! 😂
***************
Jessie had no dress sense, she often looked a sight
Yeah you're right!!! Ill make it better !
But in the night he arose from his sleep 💤
Opened the lid and took a peep 👀
Jessie had no dress sense, she often looked a sight
She tried so hard but never got it right
Jessie had no dress sense, she often looked a sight
She tried so hard but never got it right
She tried so hard to dress
But failed to impress
The mirror even gave her a fright!
*
It will soon be time to alter the clocks
It will soon be time to alter the clocks
And we'll all be wearing summer frocks
Even Barry who lives down the street
It will soon be time to alter the clocks
And we'll all be wearing summer frocks
Even Barry who lives down the street
Who seems to think he looks quite sweet
It will soon be time to alter the clocks
And we'll all be wearing summer frocks
Even Barry who lives down the street
Who seems to think he looks quite sweet
And so he does in polka dots
Bert was outside, washing his car
Bert was outside, washing his car
His wife Maud looked on from afar
Bert was outside, washing his car
His wife Maud looked on from afar
Why don't you take it to the car wash bods
They sailed the channel for just such jobs
Bert was outside, washing his car
His wife Maud looked on from afar
Why don't you take it to the car wash bods
They sailed the channel for just such jobs
'Cos they charge the price of a Jaguar!
Gertie was home and cooking a meal
She wanted to impress her boyfriend, Neil
Gertie was home and cooking a meal
She wanted to impress her boyfriend, Neil
She put the sprouts on at half past three
Gertie was home and cooking a meal
She wanted to impress her boyfriend, Neil
She put the sprouts on at half past three
And out of the fridge she took the Brie
Gertie was home and cooking a meal
She wanted to impress her boyfriend, Neil
She put the sprouts on at half past three
And out of the fridge she took the Brie
And a bottle of wine, from Lidl, a steal.
In the multi-storey in Deal
Alice saw a man wee up her wheel
In the multi-storey in Deal
Alice saw a man wee up her wheel
She noticed he was well endowed
But showing your bits was not allowed
In the multi-storey in Deal
Alice saw a man wee up her wheel
She noticed he was well endowed
But showing your bits was not allowed
And it made her let out a squeal.
Then he nonchalantly walked away
And disappeared through an archway
Then he nonchalantly walked away
And disappeared through an archway
Alice got out her phone 📱
Then he nonchalantly walked away
And disappeared through an archway
Alice got out her phone
And called her friend Joan
Then he nonchalantly walked away
And disappeared through an archway
Alice got out her phone
And called her friend Joan
Who rushed over without delay
Marjorie got a cleaner to come on every Friday
Marjorie got a cleaner to come on every Friday
Who did a good job and didn't forget the bidet
Marjorie got a cleaner to come on every Friday
Who did a good job and didn't forget the bidet
Marge uses it wrong though I'm afraid
The cleaner needs a bucket and spade
Marjorie got a cleaner to come on every Friday
Who did a good job and didn't forget the bidet
Marge uses it wrong though I'm afraid
The cleaner needs a bucket and spade
But everything else left quite tidy.
(Bugger to rhyme that one)!
Nel was preparing her Sunday roast
Nel was preparing her Sunday roast
That's roasted chestnuts served on toast
Poor Nel is a vegan don't you see
Bugger that it wouldn't suit me
Nel was preparing her Sunday roast
That's roasted chestnuts served on toast
Poor Nel is a vegan don't you see
Bugger that it wouldn't suit me
I like my roast beef, rarer than most
Weather man said another cold night
Weather man said another cold night
Huddle warm in bed when the frost doth bite 🧊
Weather man said another cold night
Huddle warm in bed when the frost doth bite 🧊
Bedsocks, pyjamas and a bobble hat
Hot water bottle, and maybe the cat 🐈
Weather man said another cold night
Huddle warm in bed when the frost doth bite 🧊
Bedsocks, pyjamas and a bobble hat
Hot water bottle, and maybe the cat 🐈
And then I will sleep - or I might . .
*
The weeks just seem to fly by
The weeks just seem to fly by
Another bit older, I sigh
The weeks just seem to fly by
Another bit older, I sigh
Will Winter ever end?
The weeks just seem to fly by
Another bit older, I sigh
Will Winter ever end?
It drives me round the bend
I need sunshine and lovely blue sky.
*
When George sat watching his telly
When George sat watching his telly
he heard a rumble from his belly
When George sat watching his telly
he heard a rumble from his belly
But he'd had a big tea
When George sat watching his telly
he heard a rumble from his belly
But he'd had a big tea
Fish, chips and mushy peas
When George sat watching his telly
he heard a rumble from his belly
But he'd had a big tea
Fish, chips and mushy peas
Rounded off with raspberry jelly
Oh dear there it goes again
Accompanied by a stabbing pain
Oh dear there it goes again
Accompanied by a stabbing pain
Better call the doc
Oh dear there it goes again
Accompanied by a stabbing pain
Better call the doc
Will he answer!- I bet not
Oh dear there it goes again
Accompanied by a stabbing pain
Better call the doc
Will he answer!- I bet not
It's nearly driving me insane!
*
It will soon be Easter once more
It will soon be Easter once more
Hidden chocolate eggs galore
It will soon be Easter once more
Hidden chocolates galore
All well hidden, near and far
I hope I remember where they are
It will soon be Easter once more
Hidden chocolates galore
All well hidden, near and far
I hope I remember where they are
Because Freddie wants at least four!
* * *
Pete's tomato seeds were all growing
He always enjoyed doing seed sowing
Out in his shed
When his wife was in bed
Pete's tomato seeds were all growing
He always enjoyed doing seed sowing
Out in his shed
When his wife was in bed
And before the birds were crowing
A pretty young girl from Bordeaux
Went on line to find a new beau
A pretty young girl from Bordeaux
Went on line to find a new beau
She found Andre nearby
And messaged to say Hi
A pretty young girl from Bordeaux
Went on line to find a new beau
She found Andre nearby
And messaged to say Hi
And found out that he was a vet
Quote from: Ruthio on March 19, 2025, 08:45:55 PMA pretty young girl from Bordeaux
Went on line to find a new beau
She found Andre nearby
And messaged to say Hi
And found out that he was a vet
Ey? You got your rhymes muddled up Ruthio? :smiley:
March 19, 2025, 08:54:00 PMWhen Edith worked in the Charity shop
One fine day, in walked a Cop
When Edith worked in the Charity shop
One fine day, in walked a Cop
He stopped for a chat (he wasn't a vet, Mups!🤣)
When Edith worked in the Charity shop
One fine day, in walked a cop
He stopped for a chat (he wasn't a vet Mups!)
Just enquiring about some stolen stuff
When Edith worked in the Charity shop
One fine day, in walked a cop
He stopped for a chat (he wasn't a vet Mups!)
Just enquiring about some stolen stuff
Trying to catch somebody on the hop
A very late breakfast today
'Cos I spent too long in the hay
A very late breakfast today
'Cos I spent too long in the hay
Me and Worzel stayed all night
He kept asking- I said 'I might'
A very late breakfast today
'Cos I spent too long in the hay
Me and Worzel stayed all night
He kept asking- I said 'I might'
But that's what I always say
A tough teenage girl from Chester
Kicked a man who tried to molest her
A tough teenage girl from Chester
Kicked a man who tried to molest her
He went down like a lump
So she gave him a thump
A tough teenage girl from Chester
Kicked a man who tried to molest her
He went down like a lump
So she gave him a thump
Now he can stay down and fester
Tilly found some flowers left at her front door
Tilly found some flowers left at her front door
And they were not there just an hour before
Tilly found some flowers left at her front door
And they were not there just an hour before
So who did this kind deed?
Tilly found some flowers left at her front door
And they were not there just an hour before
So who did this kind deed?
Roses and Tulips, plus a bit of Chickweed!
Tilly found some flowers left at her front door
And they were not there just an hour before
So who did this kind deed ?
Roses and Tulips, plus a bit of Chickweed !
They were left by mistake. Meant for number four
Such a disappointment, Tilly sat and cried 😢
Such a disappointment, Tilly sat and cried 😢
She'd thought they were hers, and it hurt her pride
"Nobody loves me" - or so she thought
Such a disappointment, Tilly sat and cried 😢
She'd thought they were hers, and it hurt her pride
"Nobody loves me" - or so she thought
If anybody asked I'd be up for a bit of sport
Such a disappointment, Tilly sat and cried 😢
She'd thought they were hers, and it hurt her pride
"Nobody loves me" - or so she thought
If anybody asked I'd be up for a bit of sport
But nobody loves me - I'll never be a bride. :cry:
* *
While getting ready for bed
Nel said to her husband Fred
While getting ready for bed
Nel said to her husband Fred
I think it's time you changed those pants
They look mucky enough to grow some plants
While getting ready for bed
Nel said to her husband Fred
I think it's time you changed those pants
They look mucky enough to grow some plants
But they were washed just two weeks ago he said. 🤢
*************
Peter met Liz to go for a walk
It was time they had a serious talk
Peter met Liz to go for a walk
It was time they had a serious talk
Should they have a secret affair
Make love! kiss! Would they dare !
Peter met Liz to go for a walk
It was time they had a serious talk
Should they have a secret affair
Make love! kiss! Would they dare !
Remember Peter's missus has eyes like a hawk
So they decided to go to bed 🛌 🤔
So they decided to go to bed 🛌 🤔
Knickers bra and boxers shed
Peter had just come off of nights
He nodded off when Liz dimmed the lights
Liz lost her cool. She just saw red.
Liz elbowed Peter with a mighty dig
Wake up you gormless dozy pig
Liz elbowed Peter with a mighty dig
Wake up you gormless dozy pig
You might as well sleep in your own bed
Not lie in mine as if you're dead
Liz elbowed Peter with a mighty dig
Wake up you gormless dozy pig
You might as well sleep in your own bed
Not lie in mine as if you're dead
I'm out of here, I need a cig 🚬
So Pete went outside and had his fag
Quietly thinking - "silly old bag"
So Pete went outside and had his fag
Quietly thinking - "silly old bag"
Out crept Liz with a truncheon
So Pete went outside and had his fag
Quietly thinking - "silly old bag"
Out crept Liz with a truncheon
Walloped Pete then went for luncheon 🥴
So Pete went outside and had his fag
Quietly thinking - "silly old bag"
Out crept Liz with a truncheon
Walloped Pete then went for luncheon 🥴
She has since become another old Lag.
*
Monday mornings soon come round
Monday mornings soon come round
It will happen again. I'll be bound
It happened last week at the same time
They should move it to Tuesday, that would be fine
Monday mornings soon come round
It will happen again. I'll be bound
It happened last week at the same time
They should move it to Tuesday, that would be fine
Shh. It's the men in white coats. Not another sound.
Well this is a turn up for the books!!
Well this is a turn up for the books!!
May had her lips done, it changed her looks
Well this is a turn up for the books !!
May had her lips done, it changed her looks
Her lips were full and she had a pout
Her bust was next. Big and bursting out
Well this is a turn up for the books !!
May had her lips done, it changed her looks
Her lips were full and she had a pout
Her bust was next. Big and bursting out
But they get in the way when she cooks.
*
Bessy fancied Fish Pie for her tea
Bessy fancied Fish Pie for her tea
She was so hungry she thought she could eat three!!
Bessy fancied Fish Pie for her tea
She was so hungry she thought she could eat three!!
She took her time and forced down four
Hmmm. Could she still get through that door?
Bessie fancied Fish Pie for her tea
She was so hungry she thought she could eat three !!
She took her time and forced down four
Hmmm. Could she still get through that door ?
No, the firemen were called to get her free
The firemen took the window out
The firemen took the window out
They pulled out Bessie who wore a pout 😡
The firemen took the window out
They pulled out Bessie who wore a pout 😡
Alas alack poor Bessie's stuck
It sometimes seems she has no luck
The firemen took the window out
They pulled out Bessie who wore a pout 😡
Alas alack poor Bessie's stuck
It sometimes seems she has no luck
And to top it all, she's got the gout!
*
One of the firemen, name of Ed
Cor, she's a whopper, come 'ere Fred
One of the firemen, name of Ed
Cor, she's a whopper, come 'ere Fred
Ed shoved her shoulders; Fred pulled her feet
Trying to get her out to the street
One of the firemen, name of Ed
Cor, she's a whopper, come 'ere Fred
Ed shoved her shoulders; Fred pulled her feet
Trying to get her out to the street
"Never seen such a monster" they said.
*
Then they got called to the local park
A tramp was found in the pond after dark
They shone lights on the water
'Cos they thought they oughta
Then realised someone was having a lark.
There once was a man Ealing
There once was a man Ealing
Who decided to whitewash a ceiling
He mixed it up in a big old bucket
Slopped some on his carpet and cried out blow it
I'm sure we all know that feeling
The once clean carpet now had many a plop
What would clean it? Maybe a mop?
The once clean carpet now had many a plop
What would clean it? Maybe a mop?
While on his hands and knees
He discovered the carpet had fleas
The once clean carpet now had many a plop
What would clean it? Maybe a mop?
While on his hands and knees
He discovered the carpet had fleas
That mucky old carpet is now for the chop.
**************
There was a strange man from Harrow
Who pushed his dog in a barrow
There was a strange man from Harrow
Who pushed his dog in a barrow
The dog was called Benny
And was admired by many
There was a strange man from Harrow
Who pushed his dog in a barrow
The dog was called Benny
And was admired by many
But he was heavy and built like a marrow
There was a man from Southend
Who drove everyone round the bend
There was a man from Southend
Who drove everyone round the bend
He kept telling long boring silly tales
About him training garden snails
We all wondered just where it would end
I last heard he'd moved taway to Spain
I last heard he'd moved away to Spain
But then I heard he's back again
He learnt Flamenco whilst away
Now he practises every day
The noise he makes drives his neighbours insane
He's joined an early running club
Gets his coffees from the local pub
There he meets a very odd bloke
Talking nonsense to all the folk
Spent all his pension and needs a sub
While he was driving in his car
While he was driving in his car
He thought he saw his old Pa
So he slowed and pulled in
And called out with a grin -
"Hey Dad, do you fancy a jar?"
* * *
So off they went to the Pub
So off they went to the Pub
(It used to be the Working Men's Club)
Before the industries were shut down
And poverty descended on their town
And beggars searched for old fag stubs
A beggar walked up to the man
And said 'do you remember me, I'm Dan?'
'Can you help? A bite to eat?'
The man said 'stand on your own two feet'
'Get a job, wash pots, drive a van.'
'I did all right with help from dad,
It's not my fault you've had it bad!'
And off he went in his nearly new car
So pleased his pensions stretched so far
No thoughts for the friend he'd had as a lad. 😢
Dan watched Brian drive away
And thought of a trick that he could play
He called up Brian on his phone
Said "Christmas is cancelled it should be known"
Brian heard this with great dismay
I'll pass this on was Brian's first thought
I'll pass this on was Brian's first thought -
No Christmas shopping to make him fraught
No Turkey or Cake
To have to bake
I'll pass this on was Brian's first thought -
No Christmas shopping to make him fraught
No Turkey or Cake
To have to bake
I'll put it on the Forum to fool that lot!
****************
Pete's car was in for it's MOT
A new exhaust, and a tyre or three
Pete's car was in for its MOT
A new exhaust, and a tyre or three
Will it cost a bomb?
Pete's car was in for its MOT
A new exhaust, and a tyre or three
Will it cost a bomb?
I'll get it done by my mate Tom
He'll know where to get stuff free
All sorted for just twenty quid
I'm not asking what Tom did
All sorted for just twenty quid
I'm not asking what Tom did
I'm just relieved he got it through
It was registered in 2002
All sorted for just twenty quid
I'm not asking what Tom did
I'm just relieved he got it through
It was registered in 2002
I would have bought another but was outbid
Just what are all these battery jobs?
All fancy screens and no more knobs
Just what are all these battery jobs ?
I fancy screens and no more knobs
Why don't we wind things up anymore
We just stick in batteries, sometimes four
Just what are all these battery jobs ?
I fancy screens and no more knobs
Why don't we wind things up anymore
We just stick in batteries, sometimes four
I buy cheaper ones at Bob's.
*
Gert had some Quiche for her lunch
She was peckish and fancied a munch
Gert had some Quiche for her lunch
She was peckish and fancied a munch
Some leaves of lettuce on the side
She'd rather it was something fried
Maybe crispy bacon she could crunch
Nearly April, but don't get caught
An April Fool is always sought
Nearly April, but don't get caught
An April Fool is always sought
'Easter's cancelled' a daft man said
But we knocked that on the head
Nearly April, but don't get caught
An April Fool is always sought
'Easter's cancelled' a daft man said
But we knocked that on the head
He should stay out of 'spoons he really ought
Plenty of fools around these days
Easy to hoodwink with the latest craze
Plenty of fools around these days
Easy to hoodwink with the latest craze
A cream that makes the wrinkles go
Shampoo that makes your hair thick and grow
Plenty of fools around these days
Easy to hoodwink with the latest craze
A cream that makes the wrinkles go
Shampoo that makes your hair thick and grow
Selling snake oil that's what pays
Yesterday I bought something new
Yesterday I bought something new
Come into my parlour and I'll give you a view
Yesterday I bought something new
Come into my parlour and I'll give you a view
You'll never guess just what it's for
Yesterday I bought something new
Come into my parlour and I'll give you a view
You'll never guess just what it's for
Better hurry and shut the door 🚪
Yesterday I bought something new
Come into my parlour and I'll give you a view
You'll never guess just what it's for
Better hurry and shut the door 🚪
What I can't work out is why it's blue?
You would have thought maybe pink instead?
Still at least it's not bright red
You would have thought maybe pink instead?
Still at least it's not bright red
It might come in handy when you're feeling frisky
Or been down the pub and had too much whiskey
You would have thought maybe pink instead?
Still at least it's not bright red
It might come in handy when you're feeling frisky
Or been down the pub and had too much whiskey
Then collapsed in a heap on the bed
Better hope the other half don't see it
Might get frightened and do a flit
Better hope the other half don't see it
Might get frightened and do a flit
You were found once before
And got laid down the law
Now put it away, and leave it.
*
When Bertie was cutting his lawn
He chopped off the top of his corn
When Bertie was cutting his lawn
He chopped off the top of his corn
It was a disaster
He had no corn plasters
When Bertie was cutting his lawn
He chopped off the top of his corn
It was a disaster
He had no corn plasters
So he wrapped it in loo roll till dawn.
*
It's Monday and the sun's shining bright
It's Monday and the sun's shining bright
Thanks to the clock change it's longer til night
It's Monday and the sun's shining bright
Thanks to the clock change it's longer til night
The grass is cut, the washing dry
And for me tea, its a Chicken Pie
It's Monday and the sun's shining bright
Thanks to the clock change it's longer til night
The grass is cut, the washing dry
And for me tea, its a Chicken Pie
Now it's Tuesday so let's get that right ✅
Freddy bought a new car it was the deepest red
Freddy bought a new car it was the deepest red
Hoping to impress some lassies into his bed
Freddy bought a new car it was the deepest red
Hoping to impress some lassies into his bed
Driving pass a lassie he would always blow his horn
Freddy bought a new car it was the deepest red
Hoping to impress some lassies into his bed
Driving pass a lassie he would always blow his horn
But they mostly put two fingers up -
And looked at him with scorn.
*
Freddy gave up trying and went on his way
Then all of a sudden a lassie came his way
Freddy gave up trying and went on his way
Then all of a sudden a lassie came his way
Whose name was Virginia Guiffre
Quote from: dextrous63 on April 02, 2025, 01:08:08 PMFreddy gave up trying and went on his way
Then all of a sudden a lassie came his way
Whose name was Virginia Guiffre
Now come on Dexy, what the 'eck can the next person rhyme with that! :hmm:
Freddy gave up trying and went on his way
Then all of a sudden a lassie came his way
Whose name was Virginia Guiffre
Who didn't do anything for free
Freddy was told he'd have to pay
April 02, 2025, 01:37:15 PM
Ted was wearing odd socks on his feet
Quote from: Scrumpy on April 02, 2025, 01:23:42 PMFreddy gave up trying and went on his way
Then all of a sudden a lassie came his way
Whose name was Virginia Guiffre
Who didn't do anything for free
Freddy was told he'd have to pay
April 02, 2025, 01:37:15 PM
Ted was wearing odd socks on his feet
Other than that, he looked real neat
(Well done Scrumpy)!
Ted was wearing odd socks on his feet
Other than that, he looked real neat
But when he played his xylophone
Ted was wearing odd socks on his feet
Other than that, he looked real neat
But when he played his xylophone
All his neighbours started to moan
It really wasn't a musical treat.
There's still a nasty cold chilly wind
There's still a nasty cold chilly wind
No outside parties or drinking binge
There's still a nasty cold chilly wind
No outside parties or drinking binge
Not for a bit longer
'Til the sun is a tad stronger
There's still a nasty cold chilly wind
No outside parties or drinking binge
Not for a bit longer
'Til the sun is a tad stronger
Then beware you don't get singed
***********
Bella needed some new shoes
Not much choice for her in size twos
Bella needed some new shoes
Not much choice for her in size twos
Such neat little feet!
Bella needed some new shoes
Not much choice for her in size twos
Such neat little feet!
So tiny and petite
But in footwear, little to choose.
*
Pete fancied a nice cheese scone
Pete fancied a nice cheese scone
But sadly that just got the sad trombone 🎺 🎶
He had to settle for bread and jam
Pete fancied a nice cheese scone
But sadly that just got the sad trombone 🎺 🎶
He had to settle for bread and jam
He'd also run out of his favourite ham
And no cup of tea cos the milk was gone.
**********
Pete went shopping later that day
He forgot his wallet, so couldn't pay
Pete went shopping later that day
He forgot his wallet, so couldn't pay
It was all put back in his trolley
Cos he only had change for a lolly
Pete went shopping later that day
He forgot his wallet, so he couldn't pay
It was all put back in his trolley
Cos he only had change for a lolly
Nobody noticed the leg of lamb he was having away
Barry stood at the altar dressed in his Sunday best
Barry stood at the altar dressed in his Sunday best
'Sunday Best' to him was a new string vest
Barry stood at the altar dressed in his Sunday best
'Sunday Best' to him was a new string vest
He wasn't getting married
But in the church he tarried
Hoping that some woman might admire his chest.
*********************
How long will this warm weather last?
Or will we get another cold, icy blast
How long will this warm weather last?
Or will we get another cold, icy blast
Ne're cast a clout til may be out
Is my advice without a doubt
How long will this warm weather last?
Or will we get another cold, icy blast
Ne're cast a clout til may be out
Is my advice without a doubt
Though summer is coming fast.
*
Ben sat with his bowl of Bran Flakes
Ben sat with his bowl of Bran Flakes
In the old folks home, along with his mates
Ben sat with his bowl of Bran Flakes
In the old folks home, along with his mates
They would bring their teeth round very soon
So they could chew the chops for lunch at noon
Ben sat with his bowl of Bran Flakes
In the old folks home, along with his mates
They would bring their teeth round very soon
So they could chew the chops for lunch at noon
Followed later by tea and cakes.
There was a bus driver from Derry
There was a bus driver from Derry
Who loved a young lady called Kerry
There was a bus driver from Derry
Who loved a young lady called Kerry
She knew all his routes
If he saw her he'd toot
There was a bus driver from Derry
Who loved a young lady called Kerry
She knew all his routes
If he saw her he'd toot
And then they planned to make merry! 🥳🥳
Easter was coming, so Bob bought an egg
He planned to give it to his friend, Meg
Easter was coming, so Bob bought an egg
He planned to give it to his friend, Meg
If he got a posh one full of lovely sweets
Maybe, possibly she'd slip between his sheets
Easter was coming, so Bob bought an egg
He planned to give it to his friend, Meg
If he got a posh one full of lovely sweets
Maybe, possibly she'd slip between his sheets
But one from the pound shop just got a 'thanks' tweet.
******************
That plan didn't work, so Bob asked her out
'Come for a drink in Spoons, it's my shout'
That plan didn't work, so Bob asked her out
'Come for a drink in Spoons, it's my shout'
That didn't bring much of a smile
Andre's Restaurant would be nearer the style
That plan didn't work , so Bob asked her out
'Come for a drink in Spoons, it's my shout'
That didn't bring much of a smile
Andre's Restaurant would be nearer the style
But he hoped all this wasn't just for now't
Meg and Bob met at Spoons for their date,
Two halves he bought, Meg thought 'cheapskate'
Meg and Bob met at Spoons for their date,
Two halves he bought, Meg thought 'cheapskate'
Followed by one sandwich to share
Meg was by then in despair
Meg and Bob met at Spoons for their date,
Two halves he bought, Meg thought 'cheapskate'
Followed by one sandwich to share
Meg was by then in despair
They even ate from the same plate
As Albert turned over the page
He yawned and began feeling his age
As Albert turned over the page
He yawned and began feeling his age
His eyelids began to droop 💤
As Albert turned over the page
He yawned and began feeling his age
His eyelids began to droop 💤
His face almost went in his soup
His wife shook him roughly with rage
***********
There was a young woman from Perth
Who had quite an enormous girth
There was a young woman from Perth
Who had quite an enormous girth
She decided to lose some weight
There was a young woman from Perth
Who had quite an enormous girth
She decided to lose some weight
But had she left it too late?
There was a young woman from Perth
Who had quite an enormous girth
She decided to lose some weight
But had she left it too late?
Perhaps the effort cost more than its worth.
* *
There was a nice cafe in Surrey
There was a nice cafe in Surrey
Where they served up a really hot curry
There was a nice cafe in Surrey
Where they served up a really hot curry
"I'm sweating" Len said
As he stuffed some Naan bread
There was a nice cafe in Surrey
Where they served up a really hot curry
"I'm sweating" Len said
As he stuffed some Naan bread
And ran to the loo in a hurry.
Len liked the finer things in life
Len liked the finer things in life
A big posh car, and glamorous wife
Len liked the finer things in life
A big posh car, and glamorous wife
He took out loans, it was all on tick
'Cos Len really was a bit of a dick
Len liked the finer things in life
A big posh car, and glamorous wife
He took out loans, it was all on tick
'Cos Len really was a bit of a dick
Making the repayments a source of strife
Oh dear Len's card has been declined
Oh dear Len's card has been declined
Too many ladies he wined and dined
Oh dear Len's card has been declined
Too many ladies he wined and dined
And he got a ticket for parking on a yellow
Oh dear Len's card has been declined
Too many ladies he wined and dined
And he got a ticket for parking on a yellow
Which he tore in shreds and started to bellow
Oh dear Len's card has been declined
Too many ladies he wined and dined
And he got a ticket for parking on a yellow
Which he tore in shreds and started to bellow
But nevertheless, he still got fined.
April 11, 2025, 02:25:24 PM
Ben called in the car wash today
Ben called in the car wash today
But he forgot to take his car
Quote from: Scrumpy on April 11, 2025, 03:08:04 PMBen called in the car wash today
But he forgot to take his car
🤣🤣
April 11, 2025, 08:53:39 PMBen called in the car wash today
How much it cost caused him dismay
Ben called in the car wash today
How much it cost caused him dismay
Because he'd left his wallet at home
So quickly got on the phone
Ben called in the car wash today
How much it cost caused him dismay
Because he'd left his wallet at home
So quickly got on the phone
Without the fee there'd be no spray
Old Fred had too much to drink
He spent all his pension in a blink
Old Fred had too much to drink
He spent all his pension in a blink
Missing rent he'd be on the street
Old Fred had too much to drink
He spent all his pension in a blink
Missing rent he'd be on the street
He couldn't afford to heat or eat
Old Fred had too much to drink
He spent all his pension in a blink
Missing rent he'd be on the street
He couldn't afford to heat or eat
Fred never did stop to think
A handsome young man from Penzance
A handsome young man from Penzance
Was wearing some skiddy old pants
A handsome young man from Penzance
Was wearing some skiddy old pants
He saw some on Bob's washing line
And he thought "They'll do me fine"
A handsome young man from Penzance
Was wearing some skiddy old pants
He saw some on Bob's washing line
And he thought "They'll do me fine"
He had them away leaving a note saying "Thanks :-)"
Bob went out to take his washing in
His temper flared when he saw that grin
Bob went out to take his washing in
His temper flared when he saw that grin
He knew who it was
And he knew this because
It wasn't the first time he'd crept in.
Bob needed to get his pants back
He knew the thief was called Jack
Bob needed to get his pants back
He knew the thief was called Jack
He hung out knickers a size eight
Jack swapped his pants ,he took the bait
Bob needed to get his pants back
He knew the thief was called Jack
He hung out knickers a size eight
Jack swapped his pants ,he took the bait
Most of them disappearing up his crack
These rhymes are getting quite rude! 🩳
These rhymes are getting quite rude!
I write my lines while stark bollock nude,
These rhymes are getting quite rude!
I write my lines while stark bollock nude,
How could you admit to such a thing?
Not as much as a small g-string?
I fear I find that rather lewd
Well, Ruthio's chastity belt lock is rusty,
Quote from: dextrous63 on April 13, 2025, 06:12:22 PMWell, Ruthio's chastity belt lock is rusty,
Is that a reply to Ruthio's comment Dex, or the start of a new verse? :hmm:
Always ready for a challenge and a giggle! 🤣🤣🤣
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alas my chastity belt lock has gone rusty 😪
Alas my chastity belt lock has gone rusty 😪
And Fred said - a little bit musty
Quote from: Mups on April 13, 2025, 10:39:56 PMIs that a reply to Ruthio's comment Dex, or the start of a new verse? :hmm:
New verse😬
April 13, 2025, 11:11:45 PMAlas my chastity belt lock has gone rusty 😪 And Fred said - a little bit mustySo how are we to get it open?Perhaps with a bit of coal tar soap on.
Alas my chastity belt lock has gone rusty 😪
And Fred said - a little bit musty
So how are we to get it open?
Perhaps with a bit of coal tar soap on
And give her a chance to get lusty!
*
A Policeman knocked at Len's door
A Policeman knocked at Len's door
And said Ruthio's wanting some more
😬😬😬
A Policeman knocked at Len's door
And said Ruthio's wanting some more
But Len's main priority
Was first to eat his afternoon tea
A Policeman knocked at Len's door
And said Ruthio's wanting some more
But Len's main priority
Was first to eat his afternoon tea
Before finding his trusty hacksaw
Mac went out to buy a new goat
Mac went out to buy a new goat
He'd shave its hair and weave a new coat
Easier to just buy a coat of course
Mac went out to buy a new goat
He'd shave it's hair and weave a new coat
Easier to buy a coat of course
But being stupid he bought a horse
He got one for a five pound note
Roger was hogging the middle lane
Roger was hogging the middle lane
He keeps on doing it again and again
Roger was hogging the middle lane
He keeps on doing it again and again
Drivers are angry and so are the cops
He only moves over when he wants to get off
Roger was hogging the middle lane
He keeps on doing it again and again
Drivers are angry and so are the cops
He only moves over when he wants to get off
He's driving us all insane.
It's funny to watch people eat fish
It's funny to watch people eat fish
Do they really enjoy the dish ?
I can't stand the taste myself
It's funny to watch people eat fish
Do they really enjoy the dish ?
I can't stand the taste myself
Even though it's good for your health
It's funny to watch people eat fish
Do they really enjoy the dish ?
I can't stand the taste myself
Even though it's good for your health
I think, with chips, it's delish!
*************
Joe bought a pushbike, he wanted to get fit
Joe bought a pushbike, he wanted to get fit
So yesterday on he hopped and rode around for a bit.,,
Joe bought a pushbike ,he wanted to get fit
So yesterday on he hopped and rode around for a bit.,,
He wore his best red shorts and a helmet on his head
Joe bought a pushbike ,he wanted to get fit
So yesterday on he hopped and rode around for a bit.,,
He wore his best red shorts and a helmet on his head
His high performance cycling jersey was also a bright red
Joe bought a pushbike ,he wanted to get fit
So yesterday on he hopped and rode around for a bit.,,
He wore his best red shorts and a helmet on his head
His high performance cycling jersey was also a bright red
When he fell off he felt an absolute nit
Oh dear. Shouldn't wheels be round?
Oh dear. Shouldn't wheels be round?
Still, what can you expect for a pound
Oh dear. Shouldn't wheels be round?
Still, what can you expect for a pound
A pound may not be much it's true
But Joe has far less cash than you
Oh dear. Shouldn't wheels be round?
Still, what can you expect for a pound
A pound may not be much it's true
But Joe has far less cash than you
- And that's how he ended up on the ground. :wink:
*
When Ben sat snoring in his chair
When Ben sat snoring in his chair
Bill sneaked up and cut off his hair
Ben awoke and scratched his head
When Ben sat snoring in his chair
Bill sneaked up and cut off his hair
Ben awoke and scratched his head
He felt no hair, just skin instead
I'll get that Bill one day he said.
Ben waited weeks to catch Bill out
Ben waited weeks to catch Bill out
That he would there was no doubt
Then at last came Ben's chance
Ben waited weeks to catch Bill out
That he would there was no doubt
Then at last came Ben's chance
He perfected his war dance
Ben waited weeks to catch Bill out
That he would there was no doubt
Then at last came Ben's chance
He perfected his war dance
Bill would end up limping without a doubt
Bertie stood on platform three
Bertie stood on platform three
Got took short and needed a pee
Oh blast here comes the train
Dare he wait it would be a strain
Bertie stood on platform three
Got took short and needed a pee
Oh blast here comes the train
Dare he wait it would be a strain
But no, for there is a tree.
Lammy likes his apple pies,
Lammy likes his apple pies,
But forgot one till it was covered it flies!
Lammy likes his apple pies,
But forgot one till it was covered it flies!
He took one look and then threw up :ugh:
Lammy likes his apple pies,
But forgot one till it was covered it flies!
He took one look and then threw up (https://letschat.club/Smileys/klondike/face-with-open-mouth-vomiting_992e.png)
Then thought "sod it", and so did sup
Lammy likes his apple pies,
But forgot one till it was covered it flies!
He took one look and then threw up :ugh:
Then thought "sod it", and so did sup
I'm far from sure that that was wise
Lammy has come out in spots
Now he's getting special shots
Lammy has come out in spots
Now he's getting special shots
Of Ozempic, which helps him talk shite
Lammy has come out in spots
Now he's getting special shots
Of Ozempic ,which helps him talk shite
He believes what he says, he's not too bright
Lammy has come out in spots
Now he's getting special shots
Of Ozempic ,which helps him talk shite
He believes what he says, he's not too bright
Try as he may he can't join the dots
He's off next week to meet Keir Starmer
He'll creep round him and be a charmer
He's off next week to meet Keir Starmer
He'll creep round him and be a charmer
They all get on my wick
Not one of 'em I'd pick
He's off next week to meet Keir Starmer
He'll creep around him and be a charmer
They all get on my wick
Not one of 'em I'd pick
I'm gradually becoming a Reformer
The 'honourable' members are making a mint
But causing the rest of us to be pretty skint
The 'honourable' members are making a mint
But causing the rest of us to be pretty skint
For what it's worth here's my twopence
Come May some will be getting their comeuppance
The 'honourable' members are making a mint
But causing the rest of us to be pretty skint
For what it's worth here's my twopence
Come May some will be getting their comeuppance
So let's hope they take the hint!
There was a young lady from Bangor
Who slipped going out of her door
There was a young lady from Bangor
Who slipped going out of her door
She fell on her bum
and twisted her thumb
There was a young lady from Bangor
Who slipped going out of her door
She fell on her bum
and twisted her thumb
The air turned blue as she swore
The vicar was shocked and gave a sigh
Not the words but that shapely thigh
The vicar was shocked and gave a sigh
Not the words but that shapely thigh
He bent down to help
As she let out a big yelp
The vicar was shocked and gave a sigh
Not the words but that shapely thigh
He bent down to help
As she let out a big yelp
As he gave her a grope on the sly
:grin: :grin: :grin:
"How dare you!" she cried, "You're so full of sin"
''How dare you" she cried", "You're so full of sin"
"And how do I know where your hands have been"
How dare you" she cried", "You're so full of sin"
"And how do I know where your hands have been"
Lady parishioners beware
How dare you" she cried", "You're so full of sin"
"And how do I know where your hands have been"
Lady parishioners beware
He pretends that he cares
But he doesn't, he's really quite mean.
*************
Eddie liked egg and chips for tea
Eddie liked egg and chips for tea
Watching telly, with a tray on his knee
He'd add baked beans for a treat
Eddie liked egg and chips for tea
Watching telly, with a tray on his knee
He'd add baked beans for a treat
Plus some veg and meat
Eddie liked egg and chips for tea
Watching telly, with a tray on his knee
He'd add baked beans for a treat
Plus some veg and meat
And finish off with a beer or three.
*************
Lizzie was a dreadful cook
She never used a recipe book
Lizzie was a dreadful cook
She never used a recipe book
She just chucked random stuff in a pot
Then put up with whatever she got
The secret being not to look
Florrie was having a baby, but she didn't know by who
It could be Fred at 45 or Bert at 22
Florrie was having a baby, but she didn't know by who
It could be Fred at 45 or Bert at 22
Will it have black hair or red
'Cos both have been in her bed
Florrie was having a baby, but she didn't know by who
It could be Fred at 45 or Bert at 22
Will it have black hair or red
'Cos both have been in her bed
It could be worse, there might be two!
***********
Bert and Elsie had such a big row
After he called her 'a silly old cow'
She slapped his ear
And poured away his beer
Bert and Elsie had such a big row
After he called her 'a silly old cow'
She slapped his ear
And poured away his beer
And ran off with the Vicar from Slough
Dave and Ed met in the pub every day
Going home from work, it was on their way
Dave and Ed met in the pub every day
Going home from work, it was on their way
But they never had a drink while there
Dave and Ed met in the pub every day
Going home from work, it was on their way
But they never had a drink while there
They just held hands, because they were a pair
Dave and Ed met in the pub every day
Going home from work, it was on their way
But they never had a drink while there
They just held hands, because they were a pair
You should hear what the locals did say!
*
Shall we all go off to the coast?
That's what I'd like to do most
Shall we all go off to the coast?
That's what I'd like to do most
Should we go South? The North will be cool
Or maybe the North West, St Annes or Blackpool
Shall we all go off to the coast?
That's what I'd like to do most
Should we go South? The North will be cool
Or maybe the North West, St Annes or Blackpool
Where it's still thruppence for beans on some toast.
The ballroom in Blackpool Tower
The ballroom in Blackpool Tower
We'll pop in if we have a rain shower
The ballroom in Blackpool Tower
We'll pop in if we have a rain shower
John on his Wurlitzer will give us a tune
The ballroom in Blackpool Tower
We'll pop in if we have a rain shower
John on his Wurlitzer will give us a tune
He bangs them out from 9 til noon
The ballroom in Blackpool Tower
We'll pop in if we have a rain shower
John on his Wurlitzer will give us a tune
He bangs them out from 9 til noon
At the end of which he's given a flower.
A flower has many a petal
A flower has many a petal
But make sure you're not sniffing a nettle
A flower has many a petal
But make sure you're not sniffing a nettle
It'll sting your poor nose 👃
A flower has many a petal
But make sure you're not sniffing a nettle
It'll sting your poor nose 👃
And a sneezer you will a-goes
A flower has many a petal
But make sure you're not sniffing a nettle
It'll sting your poor nose
And a sneezer you will a-goes
Dab on Antiseptic Dettol
Gratitude is a wonderful thing
Though my wife's not shown it since I put on the ring,
Gratitude is a wonderful thing
Though my wife's not shown it since I put on the ring
Perhaps all your comments amuse or diss?
Gratitude is a wonderful thing
Though my wife's not shown it since I put on the ring
Perhaps all your comments amuse or diss?
Perhaps her points you're prone to miss
It's down to you to do some listening! 😉
*************
Marriage can be a bumpy road
Although with two it should lighten the load
Brief interlude @ GM.... Oi!!!!!
🤣🤣🤣
You started it! :evil: :grin:
Marriage can be a bumpy road
Although with two it should lighten the load
Marriage can be a bumpy road
Although with two it should lighten the load
With GM it must be endless fun
Marriage can be a bumpy road
Although with two it should lighten the load
With GM it must be endless fun
Just buy her some flowers, and call her Hun
Marriage can be a bumpy road
Although with two it should lighten the load
With GM it must be endless fun
Just buy her some flowers, and call her Hun
And not just a smelly toad.
Today is Easter Sunday for sure
Today is Easter Sunday for sure
Chocolate eggs could be such a lure
Today is Easter Sunday for sure
Chocolate eggs could be such a lure
We ate lamb for tea
The bit above its knee
Today is Easter Sunday for sure
Chocolate eggs could be such a lure
We ate lamb for tea
The bit above its knee
And today it's time for more!
Today is Easter Monday for sure
The day when parched lawns get their cure
Look out your windows and you will see
It's raining - well it is for me
Better cancel that well planned tour
There was a young man from Fife
There was a young man from Fife
Who couldn't cut with a knife
There was a young man from Fife
Who couldn't cut with a knife
He used an axe
And that's a fact
There was a young man from Fife
Who couldn't cut with a knife
He used an axe
And that's a fact
Endangering any onlooker's life
His brother preferred using a hatchet
He said there was nothing to match it
His brother preferred using a hatchet
He said there was nothing to match it
He was a master with his chopper
Which must be said was quite a whopper
His brother preferred using a hatchet
He said there was nothing to match it
He was a master with his chopper
Which must be said was quite a whopper
If you're near him, better watch it.
************
There was an old fellow from Brigg
Whose manners were worse than a pig
There was an old fellow from Brigg
Whose manners were worse than a pig
He ate his chips with a spoon
The stupid buffoon
There was an old fellow from Brigg
Whose manners were worse than a pig
He ate his chips with a spoon
The stupid buffoon
Then picked his teeth with a twig.
*
While sitting there watching telly
Fred heard a rumble in his belly
While sitting there watching telly
Fred heard a rumble in his belly
Sadly that was just the start
While sitting there watching telly
Fred heard a rumble in his belly
Sadly that was just the start
He ate two pies then a rhubarb tart
A tub of ice cream, and a sugar free jelly.
************
Fred's diet meant he piled on weight
He always had the biggest plate
Fred's diet meant he piled on weight
He always had the biggest plate
Porcelain was tasty
But bad for his.. waisty
Fred's diet meant he piled on weight
He always had the largest plate
Porcelain was tasty
But bad for his..waisty
And he kept eyeing up his mate
Fred's "friend" liked to chew the cud
Fred's 'friend' liked to chew the cud
He was short and fat, just like a Pug
Fred's 'friend' liked to chew the cud
He was short and fat, just like a Pug
So to get tall and slim
He ate a bottle of Vim
Fred's 'friend' liked to chew the cud
He was short and fat, just like a Pug
So to get tall and slim
He ate a bottle of Vim
Confusing it with his slimming drug
Chewing it made his teeth gleam
But also caused his eyes to stream
Chewing it made his teeth gleam
But also caused his eyes to stream
His nose began to dribble
But he couldn't really quibble
Chewing it made his teeth gleam
But also caused his eyes to stream
His nose began to dribble
But he couldn't really quibble
As he liked his teeth looking clean.
*
As Mavis hung her washing out
As Mavis hung her washing out
A heavy peg fell on her big toe's gout
As Mavis hung her washing out
A heavy peg fell on her big toe's gout
Causing poor Mavis to utter a curse
One too rude for this little verse
As Mavis hung her washing out
A heavy peg fell on her big toe's gout
Causing poor Mavis to utter a curse
One too rude for this little verse
That it hurt there could be no doubt
The vicar announced a jumble sale
The vicar announced a jumble sale
At three o'clock come rain or hail
Betty's muffins one pound each
The vicar announced a jumble sale
At three o'clock come rain or hail
Betty's muffins one pound each
Ernie's wine - made from Peach
The vicar announced a jumble sale
At three o'clock come rain or hail
Betty's muffins one pound each
Ernie's wine - made from Peach
With such bargains how could it fail?
Sitting here watching a big Red Kite
They really are such a graceful sight
Sitting here watching a big Red Kite
They really are such a graceful sight
My blue lens makes it purple
Sitting here watching a big Red Kite
They really are such a graceful sight
My blue lens makes it purple
There's another so that's a couple
Sitting here watching a big Red Kite
They really are such a graceful sight
My blue lens makes it purple
There's another so that's a couple
Wonder where they both go in the night.
A bird in the hand is worth two in a bush
A bird in the hand is worth two in a bush
You can rhyme with this - with a bit of a push!
A bird in the hand is worth two in a bush
You can rhyme with this - with a bit of a push!
But as the doc says
A bird in the hand is worth two in a bush
You can rhyme with this - with a bit of a push!
But as the doc says
No appointments for days
Lets hope your high temperature is just a hot flush.
A beautiful morning, we're almost in May
A beautiful morning, we're almost in May
As Grayson would chant "what a gay day"
A beautiful morning, we're almost in May
As Grayson would chant "what a gay day"
Birds are singing, not a cloud in sight
A beautiful morning, we're almost in May
As Grayson would chant "what a gay day"
Birds are singing, not a cloud in sight
The Welsh are singing 🎶 All through the night
A beautiful morning, we're almost in May
As Grayson would chant "what a gay day"
Birds are singing, not a cloud in sight
The Welsh are singing 🎶 All through the night
Let's try to be happy, come what may. :smiley:
*
With his gardening gloves on
And whistling a little song,
Thomas went out to his shed
With his gardening gloves on
And whistling a little song,
Thomas went out to his shed
And trod on a rake that smacked his head
With his gardening gloves on
And whistling a little song,
Thomas went out to his shed
And trod on a rake that smacked his head
What a complete moron.
Ernie played bowls almost every day
He wasn't very good, his shots would go astray
Ernie played bowls almost every day
He wasn't very good, his shots would go astray
Unlike tenpin there were no gutters
Flattening the geraniums always caused mutters
Ernie played bowls almost every day
He wasn't very good, his shots would go astray
Unlike tenpin there were no gutters
Flattening the geraniums always caused mutters
Eventually they asked him to please stay away.
Poor Ernie was cut to the quick
And left with his wounds to lick
Poor Ernie was cut to the quick
And left with his wounds to lick
Banished from the bowling green
Those spoilsports could be very mean
Poor Ernie was cut to the quick
And left with his wounds to lick
Banished from the bowling green
Those spoilsports could be very mean
And Ernie felt a real dick
Annie rose early one Sunday morn,
Only a half hour after dawn
Annie rose early one Sunday morn,
Only a half hour after dawn
She rubbed her eyes and gave a start
Annie rose early one Sunday morn,
Only a half hour after dawn
She rubbed her eyes and gave a start
Getting out of bed she gave a moan :smiley:
Annie rose early one Sunday morn,
Only a half hour after dawn
She rubbed her eyes and gave a start
Getting out of bed she gave a moan :smiley:
I see that Alex is on good form :grin:
We do like to see an excellent rhyme
Even should that take more time
There's no need to think you're in a trap
We do like to see an excellent rhyme
Even should that take more time
There's no need to think you're in a trap
Even though most stories are crap !
We do like to see an excellent rhyme
Even should that take more time
There's no need to think you're in a trap
Even though most stories are crap !
Oh deary dear - the fault's not mine :grin:
One beautiful warm summer's day
Alf went down on the beach to lay
Then he had an ice cream
One beautiful warm summer's day
Alf went down on the beach to lay
Then he had an ice cream
And started to dream
And his ice cream all melted away
***********
Maisie went to a spa for a treat
She had a massage on her back and her feet
Maisie went to a spa for a treat
She had a massage on her back and her feet
The masseuse was Chris
And the treatment was bliss
Maisie went to a spa for a treat
She had a massage on her back and her feet
The masseuse was Chris
And the treatment was bliss
Chris, of course, could be very discrere
Chris also offered to do the flip side
But charged extra for those that were wide
Chris also offered to do the flip side
But charged extra for those that were wide
Maisie wondered whether she should
But when she agreed - by gum it was good
Chris also offered to do the flip side
But charged extra for those that were wide
Maisie wondered whether she should
But when she agreed- by gum it was good
Our lovely Maisie had no pride
On a very hot day in May
Simon called over the fence to say
On a very hot day in May
Simon called over the fence to say
"How's it going, old friend?"
On a very hot day in May
Simon called over the fence to say
'How's it going, old friend'?
'DID YOR HEARING AID ARRIVE OVER THE WEEKEND?'
On a very hot day in May
Simon called over the fence to say
'How's it going, old friend'?
'DID YOUR HEARING AID ARRIVE OVER THE WEEKEND?'
The reply was: 'I'm having my dinner on a tray'
***************
The championship snooker is under way,
Some of the top stars are here to play
The championship snooker is under way,
Some of the top stars are here to play
I saw Steve Davis early this morn
He was going for a jog at the crack of dawn
The championship snooker is under way,
Some of the top stars are here to play
I saw Steve Davis early this morn
He was going for a jog at the crack of dawn
Then off to the Crucible for the day
***************
My garden looks pretty in the sun
Even though there's work to be done
My garden looks pretty in the sun
Even though there's work to be done
But nothing will get done today
My garden looks pretty in the sun
Even though there's work to be done
But nothing will get done today
I've got a date downtown with beautiful May
My garden looks pretty in the sun
Even though there's work to be done
But nothing will get done today
I've got a date downtown with beautiful May
And we are going out to have some fun.
There was a young woman called Kath
Who wasn't too fond of a bath
There was a young woman called Kath
Who wasn't too fond of a bath
But in all this heat
Her shoes stuck to her feet
There was a young woman called Kath
Who wasn't too fond of a bath
But in all this heat
Her shoes stuck to her feet
And her neighbours expressed their wrath
'Twas on the hottest day of the year
When Phil & Bob went for a cold beer
'Twas the hottest day of the year
When Phil and Bob went for a beer
But the pumps had run dry
Which made some men cry
Twas the hottest day of the year
When Phil and Bob went for a beer
But the pumps had run dry
Which made some men cry
Phil and Bob shed many a tear
Ethel had her jumper on inside out
Ethel had her jumper on inside out
This made her feel 'good luck is about'
So it was left as it was
And just as well because
She'd win the lottery no doubt.
*
As Elsie was washing her hair
A face at the window did stare
As Elsie was washing her hair
A face at the window did stare
It gave her a fright
It was quite late at night
And her flat was up three flights of stairs
************
Mary was known for dressing well
Quote from: GrannyMac on May 03, 2025, 06:12:04 AMAs Elsie was washing her hair
A face at the window did stare
It gave her a fright
It was quite late at night
And her flat was up three flights of stairs
:grin: :grin: :grin:
Mary was known for dressing well
Her clothes were expensive, you could tell
Mary was known for dressing well
Her clothes were expensive, you could tell
With all the right labels
Classier than her friend Mabel's
(IWhy the huge print ruthio?) :hmm:
Mary was known for dressing well
Her clothes were expensive, you could tell
With all the right labels
Classier than her friend Mabel's
When she put them on Vinted, they would always sell
**************
Mary's clever shopping tip
Visit the charity shops on every trip
Mary's clever shopping tip
Visit the charity shops on every trip
Save loads of money 💰
Mary's clever shopping tip
Visit the charity shops on every trip
Save loads of money 💰
It's good advice honey,
You're sure to pick up a real snip!
**********
A young man named Roger from Deal
Was a demon when he was behind the wheel
A young man named Roger from Deal
Was a demon when he was behind the wheel
At traffic lights he combed his curls
And gave a wink to the passing girls
A young man named Roger from Deal
Was a demon when he was behind the wheel
At traffic lights he combed his curls
And gave a wink to the passing girls
When those lights changed his tyres would squeal
Roger got pulled over by PC Plod
Roger got pulled over by PC Plod
As they thought he was a cocky sod
They asked for his licence
Suddenly there was silence
Roger got pulled over by PC Plod
As they thought he was a cockey sod
They asked for his licence
Suddenly there was silence
Roger thought he'd better pray to God!
No licence, a stolen car, an ongoing two year ban
Roger wasn't an honest man
No licence, a stolen car, an ongoing two year ban
Roger wasn't an honest man
"Roger you're nicked!"
No licence, a stolen car, an ongoing two year ban
Roger wasn't an honest man
"Roger you're nicked!"
So that was him licked.
Before the beak the next day
Roger had something to say
No licence, a stolen car, an ongoing two year ban
Roger wasn't an honest man
"Roger you're nicked!"
So that was him licked.
He spent the night in the can.
Before the beak the next day
Roger had something to say
'It's not my fault, it wasn't me,
Its my mental health you see'
The beak said 'five years, take him away'.
My font got BIG, now it's gone small!
My font got BIG,now it's gone small!
I did nothing wrong. Nothing at all
My font got BIG,now it's gone small!
I did nothing wrong. Nothing at all
tnew ti ffo dna nottub a desserp I
My font got BIG,now it's gone small!
I did nothing wrong. Nothing at all
tnew ti ffo dna nottub a desserp I
tneb saw draobyek ym thguoht yllaer I
My font got BIG,now it's gone small!
I did nothing wrong. Nothing at all
tnew ti ffo dna nottub a desserp I
tneb saw draobyek ym thguoht yllaer I
Oh . . it's alright again, must be me that's a fool!
*
One Monday evening in early May
One Monday evening in early May
Barry was fed up, he wanted to play
One Monday evening in early May
Barry was fed up, he wanted to play
He threw out his dummy
And screamed for his Mummy
One Monday evening in early May
Barry was fed up, he wanted to play
He threw out his dummy
And screamed for his Mummy
It was going to be a difficult day!
Ruthio must think I'm going blind
Sorry if that sounds unkind
Ruthio must think I'm going blind
Sorry if that sounds unkind
For those with sight problems it's a boon
And it's back to normal view pretty soon
Ruthio must think I'm going blind
Sorry if that sounds unkind
For those with sight problems it's a boon
And it's back to normal view pretty soon
The font in this forum has its own mind!!
Try paste as plain text
Then you won't be so vexed
It will all be quite nice
Is my personal advice
If not then maybe something else next
An old headmaster from Deal
An old headmaster from Deal
Had a huge blister on his heel
An old headmaster from Deal
Had a huge blister on his heel
That was caused by his ancient shoes
Held together with rusty screws
An old headmaster from Deal
Had a huge blister on his heel
That was caused by his ancient shoes
Held together with rusty screws
His scrunched toes he couldn't even feel.
*
When Fred went to buy some fruit
He always wore his best suit
When Fred went to buy some fruit
He always wore his best suit
He wanted to impress Daisy May
Who ran the shop every day
When Fred went to buy some fruit
He always wore his best suit
He wanted to impress Daisy May
Who ran the shop every day
Nothing doing til he dabbed on some Brut
Betty knew she had to lose weight
When her bum wedged in the garden gate
Betty knew she had to lose weight
When her bum wedged in the garden gate
Fireman Sam cut her out
She gave him a sultry pout
But Sam didn't rise to the bait
My large size font has been on a diet! 🤣
My large size font has been on a diet!
But fingers crossed, and I'll keep quiet
Klondike fixed it quick
Cos he's a good old stick
My large size font has been on a diet!
But fingers crossed, and I'll keep quiet
Klondike fixed it quick
Cos he's a good old stick
And without him we'd run riot ! :grin:
He though Ruthio was on her own
As for cause that was unknown
Then lo another bloated post
Did the forum have a ghost?
Bugger! klondike was heard to groan
Why so much hate in the world today
They should be like us, and play all day
It all depends on the bombers skill
Who he hurts, and how many he can kill
There'll be no winners, for peace I pray.
(Sorry, I got a bit serious there). :smiley:
May 07, 2025, 03:53:00 PM
In the Co-op there were only a few
But a huge bloke just jumped the queue
In the Co-op there were only a few
But a huge bloke just jumped the queue
The cashier, Lil, didn't like his style
In the Co-op there were only a few
But a huge bloke just jumped the queue
The cashier, Lil, didn't like his style
Please take your turn she said with a smile
In the Co-op there were only a few
But a huge bloke just jumped the queue
The cashier, Lil, didn't like his style
Please take your turn she said with a smile
He opened his mouth and the air was blue
A chatty young girl from Madrid
A chatty young girl from Madrid
Who was really only a kid
A chatty young girl from Madrid
Who was really only a kid
She thought all the boys
Were there as her toys
A chatty young girl from Madrid
Who was really only a kid
She thought all the boys
Were there as her toys
To do whatever she bid
A young rugby player called Ted
In the scrum took a kick to the head
A young rugby player called Ted
In the scrum took a kick to the head
Ted's head is tough, his mind is slow
The kicker limped off with a broken toe
A young rugby player called Ted
In the scrum took a kick to the head
Ted's head is tough, his mind is slow
The kicker limped off with a broken toe
Which was shades of purple and red
Olive put on her best red frock
Today she was appearing in the dock
Charged with lingering in the street
Olive put on her best red frock
Today she was appearing in the dock
Charged with lingering in the street
Offering any blokes a special treat
May 08, 2025, 09:33:41 AM
Olive put on her best red frock
Today she was appearing in the dock
Charged with lingering in the street
Offering any blokes a special treat
What she'd offered the vicar caused quite a shock
Mind you, the Vicar can be a naughty boy
Mind you, the Vicar can be a naughty boy,
He secretly films his favourite train toy 🚞
Mind you, the Vicar can be a naughty boy,
He secretly films his favourite train toy
It's a Puff Puff pulled along by string
With a shiny red bell that he can ring
Mind you, the Vicar can be a naughty boy,
He secretly films his favourite train toy
It's a Puff Puff pulled along by string
With a shiny red bell that he can ring
Strange what gives some folks joy
There's really no accounting for taste!
There's really no accounting for taste!
You'd think that some would be shamefaced
The things they do are quite bizarre
There's really no accounting for taste!
You'd think that some would be shamefaced
The things they do are quite bizarre
I've heard what some get up to in cars 🚘
There's really no accounting for taste!
You'd think that some would be shamefaced
The things they do are quite bizarre
I've heard what some get up to in cars 🚘
Yikes! Let's change the subject, make haste! 😅
While Eric was cutting his lawn
While Eric was cutting his lawn
His latest cunning stunt was born
While Eric was cutting his lawn
His latest cunning stunt was born
He would stick a coin the ground
So people would think a pound they'd found
While Eric was cutting his lawn
His latest cunning stunt was born
He would stick a coin the ground
So people would think a pound they'd found
Alas just a halfpenny they would mourn
Larry missed the last bus home
Stuck out in the wild all alone
Larry missed the last bus home
Stuck out in the wild all alone
He put his thumb up hoping for a lift
Nobody stopped so Larry was miffed
Larry missed the last bus home
Stuck out in the wild all alone
He put his thumb up hoping for a lift
Nobody stopped so Larry was miffed
He walked for hours, just stopping to moan.
Larry's bunion was giving him gyp
His knees were sore and his left hip
Larry's bunion was giving him gyp
His knees were sore and his left hip
Then Peggy drew up in her little pink car
'Do you want a lift.. are you going far?'
His bunion stopped throbbing as he jumped in quick
Her little pink car chugged along
And the radio was playing an old song
Her little pink car chugged along
And the radio was playing an old song
She sped along to Jailhouse Rock
Whizzing past a real real old crock
What's that light? Is something wrong?
What on earth is all that smoke
Thick enough to make you choke
What on Earth is all that smoke
Thick enough to make you choke
Is it black or is it white !
A new Pope is picked tonight
What on Earth is all that smoke
Thick enough to make you choke
Is it black or is it white !
A new Pope is picked tonight
Probably some just having a joke.
* *
While watching a quiz show on TV
While watching a quiz show on TV
My wife said your turn for tea
Are you sure? I asked at once
You must take me for a dunce
I made the last so it's not me
Well dear husband that depends
Once drunk we could be best of friends
Well dear husband that depends
Once drunk we could be best of friends
And I got lunch so you get tea
A takeaway it had to be
Well dear husband that depends
Once drunk we could be best friends
And I got lunch and you got tea
A takeaway it had to be
And that is where the food fight ends
Tom sat in the shade sipping water
When the phone went - it was his daughter
Tom sat in the shade sipping water
When the phone went - it was his daughter
Dad I'm skint can I borrow fifty
Tom was wishing she'd be more thrifty
But he agreed a lamb to the slaughter
Sally had a phone call late one night
Sally had a phone call late one night
What was said caused quite a fright
Christmas is Cancelled so I've heard
A man called Brian gave me the word
Sally had a phone call late one night
What was said caused quite a fright
Christmas is Cancelled so I've heard
A man called Brian gave me the word
Sally went back to bed and turned off the light.
Poor Tony had very bad feet
When out he had to find a seat
Poor Tony had very bad feet
When out he had to find a seat
Hello miss may I sit down too?
Sally replied Certainly please enjoy the view
Poor Tony had very bad feet
When out he had to find a seat
Hello miss may I sit down too?
Sally replied Certainly please enjoy the view
And he thanked her for being so sweet.
They sat for a while and had a nice chat
And then they were joined by a big ginger cat
They sat for a while and had a nice chat
And then they were joined by a big ginger cat
He purred and purred 🐈
They sat for a while and had a nice chat
And then they were joined by a big ginger cat
He purred and he purred
So loud, everyone heard
Then he did a pee on Sally's straw hat..
The plumber is a funny fella from Kent
The plumber is a funny fella from Kent
I'm expecting my bank account to be taking a dent
The plumber is a funny fella from Kent
I'm expecting my bank account to be taking a dent
I called him out to repair a leak
But he is in the garden mending my seat
The plumber is a funny fella from Kent
I'm expecting my bank account to be taking a dent
I called him out to repair a leak
But he is in the garden mending my seat
Now all my money will be spent.
"I've got a stiff neck" said Fred
The plumber is a funny fella from Kent
I'm expecting my bank account to be taking a dent
I called him out to repair a leak
But he is in the garden mending my seat
So this is where all my money went!
'I've got a stiff neck' said Fred
Looking saideways, he can't move his head
I've got a stiff neck' said Fred
Looking sideways, he can't move his head
"I'm as stiff as a board!"
I've got a stiff neck' said Fred
Looking sideways, he can't move his head
"I'm as stiff as a board!"
It aches and it's sore
I'm tired, and I'm going to bed.
*********
Jim was not a fan of the sun
He stayed indoors til day was done
Jim was not a fan of the sun
He stayed indoors til day was done
Then in his cloak and sharp fangs
He'd fly through a window and on a neck he'd land
Jim was not a fan of the sun
He stayed indoors til day was done
Then in his cloak and sharp fangs
He'd fly through a window and on a neck he'd land
And that was his idea of fun.
How peaceful to hear the birds sing
And watch a pretty one take to the wing
Then next door's cat -
Puts and end to that
How peaceful to hear the birds sing
And watch a pretty one take to the wing
Then next door's cat -
Puts and end to that
And kills them off while my hands I wring 😢
There was an old Witch from Harrow
Who would sell her wares from a barrow
There was an old Witch from Harrow
Who would sell her wares from a barrow
Her broomstick was black 🧙�♀️ 🧹
There was an old Witch from Harrow
Who would sell her wares from a barrow
Her broomstick was black 🧙�♀️ 🧹
Her knuckles she'd crack
Then try and sell you a marrow.
The old man was snoring in his bed
"Put a sock in it Charlie" his old wife said
The old man was snoring in his bed
'Put a sock in it Charlie' his old wife said
Charlie woke said, 'I do not snore'
'All that noise is from Billy next door'
The old man was snoring in his bed
'Put a sock in it Charlie' his old wife said
Charlie woke said, 'I do not snore'
'All that noise is from Billy next door'
Wife replied - "Do it again and I'll slap your head."
News says the reservoirs are drying up
Will we have no water to sup?
News says the reservoirs are drying up
Will we have no water to sup ?
We'll have to drink gin, whiskey or Coke
News says the reservoirs are drying up
Will we soon have no water to sup ?
We'll have to drink gin, whiskey or Coke
Both at their prices we'd soon be broke
Oh well - Cheers, and bottoms up.
There is a young lady in Devon
Who married a man called Bevan
There is a young lady in Devon
Who married a man called Bevan
He made s good living
Was kind and forgiving
With Bevan she thought she'd found heaven!
How I wish I lived by the sea
How I wish I lived by the sea
The sea breezes are calling to me
How I wished I lived by the sea
The sea breezes are calling to me
' An ice cream you can lick'
'If you get here quick'
How I wished I lived by the sea
The sea breezes are calling to me
' An ice cream you can lick'
'If you get here quick'
A dream come true for me.
Maybe we're set problems to learn
Though for serenity and peace we yearn
But better times come
And life will be more fun
And we'll be wiser from what we learned.
Mups is in philosophical mood today 💡
Quote from: Ruthio on May 14, 2025, 04:50:36 PMMups is in philosophical mood today 💡
Yeah. :smiley: I'll pipe down now. x
*
Right, here we go, back on track . . .
At Rob's stag-do last November
He made it a night to remember
At Rob's stag-do last November
He made it a night to remember
He wore his black speedo pants 🩲
At Rob's stag-do last November
He made it a night to remember
He wore his black speedo pants 🩲
He drank and he danced
He didn't feel right til December. 😨
************
A glamorous woman from Yate
Hoped a medium could foretell her fate
A glamorous woman from Yate
Hoped a medium could foretell her fate
She hoped for a chance
To find some romance
A glamorous woman from Yate
Hoped a medium could foretell her fate
She hoped for a chance
To find some romance :heart:
She thought she had left it too late :cry:
**********
The gypsy viewed her crystal ball
Said 'my dear, I can see that you fall
For a guy very soon'
She was over the moon
Hoped he'd be rich, handsome and tall.
************
A blind date meet was set up at Earls Court
He was quite plump and rather short
They went for a meal that didn't cost much
He still asked if she would go Dutch
Even so he was a bit of a sport
They arranged a second date
Both to bring along a good mate
They arranged a second date
Both to bring along a good mate
She brought along Eric, he brought along Fred
They arranged a second date
Both to bring along a good mate
She brought along Eric, he brought along Fred
'Glam-Puss' and 'Tubby' went to a motel bed
And Eric & Freddie stayed drinking till late.
She awoke next morn with Tubby in her bed
"Oh Gawd - Who are you?" she turned and said
She awoke the next morning with Tubby in her bed
"Oh Gawd, who are you?" She turned and said.
Tubs replied "You invited me in,
Then we both hit the gin"
She awoke the next morning with Tubby in her bed
"Oh Gawd, who are you?" She turned and said.
Tubs replied "You invited me in,
Then we both hit the gin"
And the rest had better remain unsaid!
Did we or didn't we I simply don't know
Surely I couldn't have stooped so low
Did we or didn't we I simply don't know
Surely I couldn't have stooped so low
Nine months later she knew she had
A son was born, a tubby lad
Did we or didn't we I simply don't know
Surely I couldn't have stooped so low
Nine months later she knew she had
A son was born, a tubby lad
The spit of his dad, she called him Joe.
**************
Joe loved his mum but also his dad
They weren't together, that made him sad
Joe loved his mum but also his dad
They weren't together, that made him sad
When he grew up, he joined the Army
Most of his friends thought he was barmy
Joe loved his mum but also his dad
They weren't together, that made him sad
When he grew up, he joined the Army
Most of his friends thought he was barmy
But he soon became a man, not a lad
Tom thought a party might cheer him up
With lots of grub and plenty to sup
Tom thought a party might cheer him up
With lots of grub and plenty to sup
He invited his pals, some ladies too
Tom thought a party might cheer him up
With lots of grub and plenty to sup
He invited his pals, some ladies too
He left them wondering exactly who
Tom thought a party might cheer him up
With lots of grub and plenty to sup
He invited his pals, some ladies too
He left them wondering exactly who
And whether Tom's ex was likely to turn up.
Gert's dog was poorly, a tummy ache
Gert's dog was poorly, a tummy ache
Most of the night it kept her awake
Edna's dog was poorly, a tummy ache
Most of the night it kept her awake
Her stomach was rumbling -
And Edna was grumbling
But she didn't think it was fake.
While weeding round shrubs one day
Alfred found something buried in clay
While weeding round shrubs one day
Alfred found something buried in clay
It was old and gold
While weeding round shrubs one day
Alfred found something buried in clay
It was old and gold
And quite a sight to behold
While weeding round shrubs one day
Alfred found something buried in clay
It was old and gold
And quite a sight to behold
As for its value, who can say?
When Bert eventually got out of bed
He decided to try and bake some bread
When Bert eventually got out of bed
He decided to try and bake some bread
Then realised he had no flour
He had no yeast and the milk was sour
When Bert eventually got out of bed
He decided to try and bake some bread
Then realised he had no flour
He had no yeast and the milk was sour
So he went and bought his loaf instead
He liked brown bread with plenty of seeds 🍞
He liked brown bread with plenty of seeds 🍞
Just the stuff to please his needs
Wholemeal bread would keep him fit :rolleyes:
He liked brown bread with plenty of seeds
just the stuff to please his needs
Wholemeal bread would keep him fit
But not from Lidl that was ....
So, to the birds he would feed
Scrumpy omitted a naughty word
Scrumpy omitted a naughty word
If we tell her off she'll just flip the bird
I always though that she was posh
The worst she'd say was "golly gosh"
Mind you Lidl wholemeal is like a turd
Most Lidl shops have a bakery on site
Their bread is often cooked overnight
Most Lidl shops have bakery on site
Their bread is often cooked overnight
But Asda has the middle aisle
With loads of offers in a pile
Most Lidl shops have bakery on site
Their bread is often cooked overnight
But Asda has the middle aisle
With loads of offers in a pile
Unfortunately much of which is .... :grin:
They say we'll have rain today
So our grass won't turn into hay
They say we'll have rain today
So our grass won't turn into hay
Pound to a penny I'll be caught out
Quote from: klondike on May 21, 2025, 09:28:15 AMMost Lidl shops have bakery on site
Their bread is often cooked overnight
But Asda has the middle aisle
With loads of offers in a pile
Unfortunately much of which is .... :grin:
:grin: :grin: :grin: well done Klondike
May 21, 2025, 09:37:31 AMThey say we'll have rain today
So our grass won't turn into hay
Pound to penny I'll be caught out
The heavens will open when you're out and about
They say we'll have rain today
So our grass won't turn into hay
Pound to penny I'll be caught out
The heavens will open when you're out and about
The soil in my garden will turn into clay
XxxxxxxxxxX
Exercise can be for all
Some like a bat and a ball
Some like to swim
Some go to the gym
Others do nothing at all 🤓
Pete liked a dip in the pool
Pete liked a dip in the pool
Some said he was an old fool
Pete liked a dip in the pool
Some said he was an old fool
He'd only dip in his big toe
Pete liked a dip in the pool
Some said he was an old fool
He'd only dip in his big toe
And even that was very slow
I pushed him in was that so cruel?
Pete went in with a mighty splash
Pete went in with a mighty splash
He landed on Lil, what a crash
They both went under, what a fright
Pete went in with a mighty splash
He landed on Lil, what a crash
They both went under, what a fright
So Eric jumped in - what a sight
Pete went in with a mighty splash
He landed on Lil, what a crash
They both went under, what a fright
So Eric jumped in - what a sight
Later they decided to go on the lash
When Fred sat in the dentist's chair
When Fred sat in the dentist's chair
His daydreams took his mind elsewhere
When Fred sat in the dentist chair
His daydreams took his mind elsewhere
He was in paradise with his friend Ruth
But he still felt the dentist remove his tooth
When Fred sat in the dentist chair
His daydreams took his mind elsewhere
He was in paradise with his friend Ruth
But he still felt the dentist remove his tooth
In fact it was TWO, so he lost a pair.
Do Punch & Judy still live by the sea
Do Punch and Judy still live by the sea?
They're long retired, no longer PC
Nowadays they'd get complaints
The violence meant they were no saints
Do Punch and Judy still live by the sea?
They're long retired, no longer PC
Nowadays they'd get complaints
The violence meant they were no saints
So another thing gone - oh dearie me!
Pete fancied bangers & mash for tea
Followed by a glass of Chablis
Pete fancied bangers & mash for tea
Followed by a glass of Chablis
Who could claim he had no class
Pete fancied bangers & mash for tea
Followed by a glass of Chablis
Who could claim he had no class
Not Paddy as he raised his glass
Pete fancied bangers & mash for tea
Followed by a glass of Chablis
Who could claim he had no class
Not Paddy as he raised his glass
Sadly no invite for me
Paddy gazed into Pete's brown eyes
Paddy gazed into Pete's brown eyes
He thought he'd give Pete a nice surprise
Paddy gazed into Pete's brown eyes
He thought he'd give Pete a nice surprise
He put his hand upon his knee
I'm glad there was no invite for me
Paddy gazed into Pete's brown eyes
He thought he'd give Pete a nice surprise
He put his hand upon his knee
I'm glad there was no invite for me
But Pete didn't think that was wise.
Pete jumped off his seat and said
"Don't think you'll get me in bed!"
Pete jumped off his seat and said
"Don't think you'll get me in bed!"
Paddy muttering went away
He really thought that Pete was gay
Pete jumped off his seat and said
"Don't think you'll get me in bed!"
Paddy muttering went away
He really thought that Pete was gay
He'd mixed him up with Father Ted
Is this stuff I've read is true
If this stuff I've read is true
It's enough to turn the air blue
If this stuff I've read is true
It's enough to turn the air blue
Did she think noone would care
If this stuff I've read is true
It's enough to turn the air blue
Did she think no-one would care
Life could be so very unfair.
If this stuff I've read is true
It's enough to turn the air blue
Did she think no-one would care
Life could be so very unfair.
I'm wondering now - was it only two?
Peggy blew out the candles on her birthday cake
There were ninety three.. Six blows it did take
Peggy blew out the candles on her birthday cake
There were ninety three.. Six blows it did take
She blew so hard, her teeth flew out
And landed on her toe - the one with gout
Peggy blew out the candles on her birthday cake
There were ninety three.. Six blows it did take
She blew so hard, her teeth flew out
And landed on her toe - the one with gout
So a trip to hospital she had to make.
Peggy went to A&E there was a very long queue
Drunks and druggies and an emergency or two
Peggy went to A&E there was a very long queue
Drunks and druggies and an emergency or two
She sat there to wait
Till it was getting so late
She'd nodded off when they wheeled her through.
Betty lost the dentures that she left upon the table
She thinks they were in the mouth of another, name of Mabel
Betty lost the dentures that she left upon the table
She thinks they were in the mouth of another, name of Mabel
So Betty wriggled out of her chair
Went over, and grabbed Mabel's hair
Betty lost the dentures that she left upon the table
She thinks they were in the mouth of another, name of Mabel
So Betty wriggled out of her chair
Went over and grabbed Mabel's hair
While Freda held her stable
A fight broke out in the old folks home
A fight broke out in the old folks home
And Matron grabbed her mobile phone
A fight broke out in the old folks home
And Matron grabbed her mobile phone
Walking sticks waved in the air
Someone fell out of their chair
A fight broke out in the old folks home
And Matron grabbed her mobile phone
Walking sticks waved in the air
Someone fell out of their chair
And alas they suffered a broken bone
An Ambulance was called, but Ernie boxed his ears
Then the lady driver ended up in tears
Chaos was rife -
When Rob and his wife
An Ambulance was called, but Ernie boxed his ears
Then the lady driver ended up in tears
Chaos was rife -
When Rob and his wife
Decided to dance to 'Tears for Fears'.
***********
Peter Piper picked a rose and gave it to his wife
Peter Piper picked a rose and gave it to his wife
Penny Piper sniffed the rose and thought it very nice
Peter Piper picked a rose and gave it to his wife
Penny Piper sniffed the rose and thought it very nice
She put it in a crystal vase
Peter Piper picked a rose and gave it to his wife
Penny Piper sniffed the rose and thought it very nice
She put it in a crystal vase
And sniffed it every time she passed
Peter Piper picked a rose and gave it to his wife
Penny Piper sniffed the rose and thought it very nice
She put it in a crystal vase
And sniffed it every time she passed
She gave it sugar to prolong its life
Another Bank Holiday, and what do you know
Everyone's on holiday except old Joe
Another Bank Holiday, and what do you know
Everyone's on holiday except old Joe
His job is but one single task
Being old is all they ask
Another Bank Holiday, and what do you know
Everyone's on holiday except old Joe
His job is but one single task
Being old is all they ask
Perhaps he'll meet up with his good pal Mo
Joe spotted Mo. He looked so fit
Wow Mo old mate how'd you do it?
I was hypnotised there was no pain
Now I feel eighteen again
I'll stay this way. I will not quit
But tell ne Joe what's wrong with you?
But tell me Joe what's wrong with you ?
'I have a bunion and it rubs my shoe'
But tell me Joe what's wrong with you ?
'I have a bunion and it rubs my shoe'
My head really hurts
But tell me Joe what's wrong with you?
' I have a bunion and it rubs my shoe'
My head really hurts
And I'm too big for my shirt
But tell me Joe what's wrong with you?
' I have a bunion and it rubs my shoe'
My head really hurts
And I'm too big for my shirt
And I have a problem going to the loo 🙄
************
Jess sold her house and moved into a flat
Jess sold her house and moved into a flat
Her only worry was, her ageing cat
He missed going out and sitting in the sun
Or hunting mice - all that was done
Jess sold her house and moved into a flat
Her only worry was, her ageing cat
He missed going out and sitting in the sun
Or hunting mice - all that was done
But he was content dozing on his big fluffy mat
***************
Robbie was late for work one day
He'd overslept, so what should he say
Robbie was late for work one day
He'd overslept, so what should he say
His car broke down, the bus was late
His alarm didn't ring, he stayed at a mates?
His excuse - he thought it was Saturday!
***************
Mary bought a glamorous dress
Mary bought a glamorous dress
Doubtless hoping to impress
Mary bought a glamorous dress
Doubtless hoping to impress
But it was so sheer
Mary bought a glamorous dress
Doubtless hoping to impress
But it was so sheer
All the blokes did leer
Mary bought a glamorous dress
Doubtless hoping to impress
But it was so sheer
All the blokes did leer
All assets on view so no need to guess
Mary went a disco unaware what could be seen
And strolled across the room to chat to Jean
Everyone put down their glass
And gawped at Mary's . . . . bottom :grin:
And most of the chaps seemed very keen.
* * *
Big black clouds coming overhead
Tonight I will get off earlier to bed
Mups almost posted arse just now! :moon:
Quote from: Ruthio on May 28, 2025, 08:56:51 PMMups almost posted arse just now! :moon:
Who, moi? (https://yoursmiles.org/tsmile/angel/t1305.gif)
How very dare you.
Oh yes you did! 😱
Aaw, dammit. OK, guilty as charged.
BUT, I did behave in the end though. :smiley:
* * * *
Fred went to bed early and thought
About all the things he had bought
Fred went to bed early and thought
About all the things he had bought
His new thermometer was best in class
Fred went to bed early and thought
About all the things he had bought
His new thermometer was best in class
A flashy suit, a travel pass
Fred went to bed early and thought
About all the things he had bought
His new thermometer was best in class
A flashy suit, a travel pass
But still a nice damsel he sought.
Poor Fred was all on his own
So he talked to his garden Gnome
Poor Fred was all on his own
So he talked to his garden Gnome
To his surprise the gnome answered back
Poor Fred was all on his own
So he talked to his garden Gnome
To his surprise the gnome answered back
Hey Fred fix my hat it's got a crack !
Poor Fred was all on his own
So he talked to his garden Gnome
To his surprise the gnome answered back
Hey Fred fix my hat it's got a crack !
Else I shall have to find another home.
One beautiful moonlit night
One beautiful moonlit night
Liz was gardening, a strange sight
One beautiful moonlit night
Liz was gardening, a strange sight
She planted beans and some spuds
One beautiful moonlit night
Liz was gardening, a strange sight
She planted beans and some spuds
Hoped and prayed they'd not be duds
One beautiful moonlit night
Liz was gardening, a strange sight
She planted beans and some spuds
Hoped and prayed they'd not be duds
And they grew well, to her delight.
It's Friday again - Hoorah
I think I'll go out in my car
So in the front seat I hopped
But the car coughed and stopped
It's Friday again- Hoorah
I think I'll go out in my car
So in the front seat I hopped
But the car coughed and stopped
It only got to the front gate- not far
It feels sticky and warm today#
Could a storm be on its way?
It feels sticky and warm today
Could be a storm on its way ?
Alexa says 'All dry'
But she is known to tell a lie
It feels sticky and warm today
Could be a storm on its way ?
Alexa says 'All dry'
But she is known to tell a lie
And always likes to have her say
************
Dave fancied a piece of cake with his tea
When he looked in the tin, it was not to be
Eddy said Punch & Judy is no more
And they were shown the Exit door
It feels sticky and warm today
Could a storm be on its way?
We could do with some rain 🌧
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
Dave fancied a piece of cake with his tea
When he looked in the tin, it was not to be
No biccies no cake
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
Eddy said Punch & Judy is no more
And they were shown the Exit door
They walked with heads bowed
Sorry Granny, I didn't see your post. (https://yoursmiles.org/tsmile/emb/t1810.gif)
* *
Dave fancied a piece of cake with his tea
When he looked in the tin, it was not to be
No biccies no cake
He'd just have to bake
Some treats for himself and Lee.
* *
May 31, 2025, 10:04:52 PM
Eddy said Punch & Judy is no more
And they were shown the Exit door
They walked with heads bowed
Sway from the crowd
Eddy said Punch and Judy is no more
And they were shown the exit door
They walked with heads bowed
Away from the crowd
Their puppet show had become a bore
*************
On an old piano Liz could bang out a tune
Roll out the barrel, Fly me to the moon
On an old piano Liz could bang out a tune
Roll out the barrel, Fly me to the moon
My old man said follow the van
Those were the best for my old nan
For me she couldn't stop too soon
Ooh, I think I saw a spot of rain
My washing's out - what a pain
Ooh, I think I saw a spot of rain
My washing's out - what a pain
A spot or two won't hurt your whites
Everything will be alright
Ooh, I think I saw a spot of rain
My washing's out - what a pain
A spot or two won't hurt your whites
Everything will be alright
Leave it out, the sun will shine again 🌞
****************
Melon was Wilfrid's favourite fruit
For bananas and apples he didn't care a hoot
Melon was Wilfred's favourite fruit
For bananas and apples he didn't care a hoot
He once tried a raspberry but spat it out
Melon was Wilfred's favourite fruit
For bananas and apples he didn't care a hoot
He once tried a raspberry but spat it out
It landed in Ethel's glass of Stout
Melon was Wilfred's favourite fruit
For bananas and apples he didn't care a hoot
He once tried a raspberry but spat it out
It landed in Ethel's glass of Stout
She got angry and gave him a boot
Poor old Wilf has watery eyes
Ethel's revenge was quite a surprise
Poor old Wilf has watery eyes
Ethel's revenge was quite a surprise
Her boot really hurt
And he wasn't alert
Poor old Wilf has watery eyes
Ethel's revenge was quite a surprise
Her boot really hurt
And he wasn't alert
And she is almost twice his size!
***********
A feisty woman, Wilf thought 'great'
He decided to ask her on a date
A feisty woman, Wilf thought 'great'
He decided to ask her on a date
Oh dear that was an error
Ethel really is a terror
A feisty woman, Wilf thought 'great'
He decided to ask her on a date
Oh dear that was an error
Ethel really is a terror
And he didn't fancy his fate.
Wilf sat and gave it much thought
It was someone more gentle he sought
Wilf sat and gave it much thought
It was someone more gentle that he sought
There was always Maureen at that pub
The Jockey's Nostril - but avoid the grub
Wilf sat and gave it much thought
It was someone more gentle that he sought
There was always Maureen at that pub
The Jockey's Nostril - but avoid the grub
She's the landlord's daughter, so maybe not.😬
***************
Maureen Lord was her full name,
But for her dad she's not to blame
Maureen Lord was her full name,
But for her dad she's not to blame
She a lovely lass, but likes the men
Her favourite one is called 'Big Ben'
Maureen Lord was her full name,
But for her dad she's not to blame
She's a lovely lass, but likes the men
Her favourite one is called 'Big Ben'
But he can't tell the time ..to his shame
Poor old Barney had a rotten day
When nothing seemed to go his way
Poor old Barney had a rotten day
When nothing seemed to go his way
He put on odd socks, one red one blue
Poor old Barney had a rotten day
When nothing seemed to go his way
He put on odd socks, one red one blue
He had no money and his rent was due
Poor old Barney had a rotten day
When nothing seemed to go his way
He put on odd socks, one red one blue
He had no money and his rent was due
And two pounds for 'favours' with Peggy he had to pay
After being left on 'hold' on the phone
May felt like having a good moan
After being left on 'hold' on the phone
May felt like having a real good moan
She moaned at the cat.. and the dog
She moaned at her old man, called him a 'hog'
Then went round the Co-op and started to groan
May had some good moans so then felt well
In fact she sat on a bench and giggled like hell
May had some good moans so then felt well
In fact she sat on a bench and giggled like hell
Then she made up her mind
May had some good moans so then felt well
In fact she sat on a bench and giggled like hell
Then she made up her mind
To herself to be kind
And take time the roses to smell. 🌹
As the day came to a close
Bert started a bad runny nose
He cursed and he muttered
And a few swear words he uttered
As the day came to a close
Bert started a bad runny nose
He cursed and he muttered
And a few swear words he uttered
I won't mention the ones that he chose!
***********
Andy liked to have a bet
Sadly, he'd won nothing yet
Andy liked to have a bet
Sadly, he'd won nothing yet
He's down the Bookies from dawn till dusk
Trying to get rich as Elon Musk
Andy liked to have a bet
Sadly, he'd won nothing yet
He's down the Bookies from dawn till dusk
Trying to get rich as Elon Musk
He'd love a big yacht and private jet
'Room for one more on top'
But there were two in the queue at the bus stop
Room for one more on top'
But there were two in the queue at the bus stop
Elsie pushed to get on first
'Room for one more on top'
But there were two in the queue at the bus stop
Elsie pushed to get on first
Molly then hit her with her purse
'Room for one more on top'
But there were two in the queue at the bus stop
Elsie pushed to get on first
Molly then hit her with her purse
So Elsie hit her back with a mop.
Two men tried to get in between
To put and end to this scene
Two men tried to get in between
To put an end to this scene
They calmed the ladies with a joke
Then took them both for rum and coke
Two men tried to get in between
To put an end to this scene
They calmed the ladies with a joke
Then took them both for rum and coke
One being the bus driver, who's name was Dean
While waiting for his Cod and Chips
Alf noticed a woman's huge hips
As she stood in the queue
She blocked his entire view
While waiting for his Cod and Chips
Alf noticed a woman's huge hips
As she stood in the queue
She blocked his entire view
He couldn't see if they any scratching bits
Mavis sat in her garden admiring the sky
When she swears her garden gnome said 'Hi'
Mavis sat in her garden admiring the sky
When she swears her garden gnome said 'Hi'
She said it was the gnome with the fishing rod
Her husband called her a silly sod
Three glasses of wine had affected her eyes 🍷 🍷 🍷
Cyril bought a pompom hat
He thought 'I'll look pretty good in that'
Cyril bought a pompom hat
He thought 'I'll look pretty good in that'
He polished his shoes and brushed his hair
Trimmed his beard then had a stare
Cyril bought a pompom hat
He thought 'I'll look pretty good in that'
He polished his shoes and brushed his hair
Trimmed his beard then had a stare
"Oh no!", he cried, "I look a right prat!"
Cyril bought a pompom hat
He thought 'I'll look pretty good in that'
He polished his shoes and brushed his hair
Trimmed his beard then had a stare
Others thought he looked a prat
Cyril and Joe thought they'd do a swap
The pompom hat for Joe's tweed flat cap
Cyril and Joe thought they'd do a swap
The pompom hat for Joe's tweed flat cap
One went to Lidle the other to Marks
An old banger and a Rolls in the car parks
Cyril and Joe thought they'd do a swap
The pompom hat for Joe's tweed flat cap
One went to Lidle the other to Marks
An old banger and a Rolls in the car parks
Neither were suited, so 'twas a bit of a flop.
Mups found a baby Wren on her lawn
Poor little thing was exhausted and worn
Mups found a baby Wren on her lawn
Poor little thing was exhausted and worn
She put it in a box and laid it in the rough
But the Tom cat from next door gobbled it up
Mups found a baby Wren on her lawn
Poor little thing was exhausted and worn
She put it in a box and laid it in the rough
But the Tom cat from next door gobbled it up
And left Mups so forlorn.
*
The thunder rumbled, the rain poured down
Mick looked out his window with a big frown
The thunder rumbled, the rain poured down
Mick looked out of his window with a big frown
Alexa lied she said 'No rain today'
He decided to throw that bloody gadget away
The thunder rumbled, the rain poured down
Mick looked out of his window with a big frown
Alexa lied she said 'No rain today'
He decided to throw that bloody gadget away
He'd get more sense from a Clown!
When Barry joined an exercise class
When Barry joined an exercise class
He resolved to check progress with a looking glass
Despite a year without any beer
His wife remarked with a nasty sneer
Yet still you have that big fat
Ethel was the pot .. calling the kettle black
She also had a bum that was very, very fat
Ethel was the pot .. calling the kettle black
She also had a bum that was very, very fat
As she walked it had a life all of it's own
As could be expected at nearly twenty stone
Ethel was the pot .. calling the kettle black
She also had a bum that was very, very fat
As she walked it had a life all of it's own
As could be expected at nearly twenty stone
And then she sat on the cat!
The poor cat gasped and then swore
And quickly shot out of the door
(https://i.postimg.cc/prCGYHyD/fyo7wqvuljr21.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
The poor cat gasped and then swore
And quickly shot out of the door
Luckier than it's little chum
That got stuck right up Ethel's bum
Poot thing lost forever more
Is she a neighbour k?😱
An animal lover called Nellie
An animal lover called Nellie
Had a house that others thought smelly
Her cat litter trays
Often got left many days
Til they smelled like the slums in Dehli
:grin: :grin: :grin:
Bertie fancied an early night
He had a quick tea, only a bite
'Jamas on, he got into bed
Bertie fancied an early night
He had a quick tea, only a bite
'Jamas on, he got into bed
'It saves on heating' went thru his head
There's nowt wrong with being a bit tight.
***********
Bertie's wife Babs didn't agree
She liked to stay up, watching TV
Bertie's wife Babs didn't agree
She liked to stay up watching TV
The heating on high and socks on her feet
Babs would soon doze off in her comfy seat
Bertie's wife Babs didn't agree
She liked to stay up watching TV
The heating on high and socks on her feet
Babs would soon doze off in her comfy seat
With her little dog on her knee.
Barry sat on a bench down the park
And saw a young couple having a lark
Barry sat on a bench down the park
And saw a young couple having a lark
His glasses steamed up and he got all hot
He never did this with his wife Dot
Barry sat on a bench down the park
And saw a young couple having a lark
His glasses steamed up and he got all hot
He never did this with his wife Dot
It even made his dog bark.
A heat wave is coming, so they say
A heat wave is coming, so they say
We already had it back in May
All we'll get is wind, rain and storming
They'll put it down to global warming
We had better weather back in the day
Barry got his grass cut today
It was almost turning to hay
Barry got his grass cut today
It was almost turning to hay
Soon there'll be a hosepipe ban
Barry got his grass cut today
It was almost turning to hay
Soon there'll be a hosepipe ban
And we'll have to water the best we can
It was almost turning to hay
Soon there'll be a hosepipe ban
And we'll have to water the best we can
For that privilege we have to pay
***********
Granny missed out a line in the last verse
It often happens, it's not a first
I might do the same Thurs-day
If I can't think of nowt to say
Granny missed out a line in the last verse
It often happens, it's not a first
I might do the same Thurs-day
If I can't think of nowt to say
These limericks's are getting worse. :grin:
Josh was tired of being on his own
Until one day he met lovely Joan
Josh was tired of being on his own
Until one day he met lovely Joan
But Harry was also in on the act
He too liked Joan and that's a fact
Then there was Billy , who was also out all alone
Bertie from Bowland got lost on the moors
Bertie from Bowland got lost on the moors
He kept passing bushes that he'd passed before
Bertie from Bowland got lost on the moors
He kept passing bushes that he'd passed before
Round in circles he went
Bertie from Bowland got lost on the moors
He kept passing bushes that he'd passed before
Round in circles he went
Till his energy was all spent
Bertie from Bowland got lost on the moors
He kept passing bushes that he'd passed before
Round in circles he went
Till his energy was all spent
And his cries had made him quite hoarse
Daisy went on a shopping spree
A new frock, new shoes, and out for tea
Daisy went on a shopping spree
A new frock, new shoes, and out for tea
Something special from Anne Summers
Tomorrow's a visit by the plumbers :rolleyes:
Daisy went on a shopping spree
A new frock, new shoes, and out for tea
Something special from Anne Summers
Tomorrow's a visit by the plumbers (https://letschat.club/Smileys/klondike/face-with-rolling-eyes_9644.png)
She loved looking good for all to see.
While watching an old film on tv
About a circus training a flea
Fred fancied a cuppa -
Along with some supper
While watching an old film on tv
About a circus training a flea
Fred fancied a cuppa -
Along with some supper
Fish, chips, and mushy peas.
***********
Off to the chippy Fred did go
Where he bumped into his old mate, Joe
Off to the chippy Fred did go
Where he bumped into his old mate, Joe
Hi there Joe How's things going
Not so good my age is showing
Check my hair - it's white as snow
Never mind your hair old chap
Never mind your hair old chap
I'm as bald as a coot and my feet are flat
Never mind your hair old chap
I'm as bald as a coot and my feet are flat
I've got nowt that don't ache
And all my teeth are fake
Never mind your hair old chap
I'm as bald as a coot and my feet are flat
I've got nowt that don't ache
And all my teeth are fake
And I'm being treated for the cl*p
🤣🤣🤣
That really made me laugh out loud!!!
And me!! 🤭🤣
'I've pulled' said Ken, with a great big grin
I've pulled' said Ken, with a great big grin
"Think again!" said Maisie, as she kicked him on the shin 🤯
I've pulled' said Ken, with a great big grin
"Think again!" said Maisie, as she kicked his shin 🤯
You may think that I'm not fussy
Think again as I'm no hussie
But ask again when you've bought gin
Ken nipped off to get some booze
Maybe then he'd get a shmooze
Ken nipped off to get some booze
Maybe then he'd get a shmooze
He wanted to be sure -
So he bought a bit more
Ken nipped off to get some booze
Maybe then he'd get a shmooze
He wanted to be sure -
So he bought a bit more
Too much - he's dropped off in a snooze
There was a young fellow from Bury
Who did everything in a hurry
There was a young fellow from Bury
Who did everything in a hurry
He even did a fast hop
When he went to the shop
There was a young fellow from Bury
Who did everything in a hurry
He even did a fast hop
When he went to the shop
Along with his bessie mate Terry
London was home to poor Fred
But now the place filled him with dread
London was home to poor Fred
But now the place filled him with dread
So many sad thoughts
London was home to poor Fred
But now the place filled him with dread
So many sad thoughts
About friends, he'd lost lots
Now his neighbours are strangers instead.
While pruning his roses one day
Ben thought he heard someone shout . . 'Hey'
While pruning his roses one day
Ben thought he heard someone shout . . 'Hey'
Doing a quick turn around
He fell to the ground
While pruning his roses one day
Ben thought he heard someone shout . . 'Hey'
Doing a quick turn around
He fell to the ground
And there he still lies today!
One bright sunny day in Gwent
One bright sunny day in Gwent
Taff noticed his flag pole was bent
One bright sunny day in Gwent
Taff noticed his flag pole was bent
He went to the doctor for help
One bright sunny day in Gwent
Taff noticed his flag pole was bent
He went to the doctor for help
And let out a very loud yelp
One bright sunny day in Gwent
Taff noticed his flag pole was bent
He went to the doctor for help
And let out a very large yelp
When to the top of the pole the flag went
When Alice went to Bingo one night
When Alice went to Bingo one night
She sat next to Bill and had an awful fright
When Alice went to Bingo one night
She sat next to Bill and had an awful fright
When the caller said eleven Bill touched her leg
When Alice went to Bingo one night
She sat next to Bill and had an awful fright
When the caller said eleven Bill touched her leg
As he leaned in, he smelled of bad eggs
When Alice went to Bingo one night
She sat next to Bill and had an awful fright
When the caller said eleven Bill touched her leg
As he leaned in, he smelled of bad eggs
But was it eggs? Or was it [censored]
While Keith was sunbathing on the Pier
While Keith was sunbathing on the Pier
He gasped in shock and came over queer
While Keith was sunbathing on the Pier
He gasped in shock and came over queer
A seagull perched on his chest
And did a plop over his string vest
While Keith was sunbathing on the Pier
He gasped in shock and came over queer
A seagull perched on his chest
And did a plop over his string vest
Great thought Keith, that means good luck for the coming year.
Percy grew up in Peckham on the Bellend Road
Percy grew up in Peckham on the Bellend Road
His mucker was Del-boy and down the market they sold
Blow-up toys ,videos and there was nothing finer
All good stuff , very cheap and all made in China
Percy grew up in Peckham on the Bellend Road
His mucker was Del-boy and down the market they sold
Blow-up toys, videos and there was nothing finer
All good stuff, very cheap and all made in China
They even had some bracelets that were 'real gold'
While Percy sat eating his toast
He suddenly fancied a day at the coast
While Percy sat eating his toast
He suddenly fancied a day at the coast
So he hopped in his car
Southend wasn't far
While Percy sat eating his toast
He suddenly fancied a day at the coast
So he hopped in his car
Southend wasn't far
In fact it was just up the road
First off he had a ride in the cable car 🚡
First off he had a ride in the cable car
He went so high, he could see far
First off he had a ride in the cable car
He went so high, he could see far
Across the sea to a distant land
First off he had a ride in the cable car
He went so high, he could see far
Across the sea to a distant land
With terrain so grand
First off he had a ride in the cable car
He went so high, he could see far
Across the sea to a distant land
With terrain so grand
It really was quite bazarre.
Next he went for a paddle in the sea
The water was warm, and so was he
Next he went for a paddle in the sea
The water was warm, and so was he
All was well til a wave came along
Bringing in something that didn't half pong
Next he went for a paddle in the sea
The water was warm, and so was he
All was well til a wave came along
Bringing in something that didn't half pong
A dead fish? He couldn't quite see.
*******************
Then Percy went to the fish and chip shop
For a battered sausage and a can of pop
Then Percy went to the fish and chip shop
For a battered sausage and a can of pop
Then poor Percy dropped a clanger
A gull swooped and pinched his banger
The gull sure had caught him on the hop
Today it's going to be hotter than ever 🌞
Today it's going to be hotter than ever 🌞
Going out at noon is none too clever
Best not to risk heatstroke
For fear you croak
Today it's going to be hotter than ever 🌞
Going out at noon is none too clever
Best not to risk heatstroke
For fear you croak
For you don't want that - never.
The men competed with the heaviest weight
Grunting and groaning they lifted till late
With bulging muscles and hairy chests
The men competed with the heaviest weight
Grunting and groaning they lifted till late
With bulging muscles and hairy chests
Wearing little, just pants and vests
The men competed with the heaviest weight
Grunting and groaning they lifted till late
With bulging muscles and hairy chests
Wearing little, just pants and vests
The hairiest asked Ethel out on a date
He was a plumber name of Jim
Lots of muscle but pretty dim
He was a plumber name of Jim
Lots muscle but pretty dim
But he knew a washer must be used with a screw
Leaving it off you must never do
He was a plumber name of Jim
Lots muscle but pretty dim
But he knew a washer must be used with a screw
Leaving it off you must never do
Ethel itched to give his chest a trim
She tried really hard to pull off his vest
She tugged and pulled and gave her best
Jim thought he surely was in luck
She tried really hard to pull off his vest
She tugged and pulled and gave her best
Jim thought he surely was in luck
As her luscious lips on his she stuck
She tried really hard to pull off his vest
She tugged and pulled and gave her best
Jim thought he sure was in luck
As her luscious lips on his she stuck
Heaven knows what followed and I'm not going to guess
Betty was a wallflower at the village dance
Sam walked toward her, was she in with a chance !
Betty was a wallflower at the village dance
Sam walked toward her, was she in with a chance !
But he walked right on by
Betty was a wallflower at the village dance
Sam walked toward her, was she in with a chance!
But he walked right on by
When a buxom blonde he did espy
Betty was a wallflower at the village dance
Sam walked toward her, was she in with a chance!
But he walked right on by
When a buxom blonde he did espy
And never gave poor Betty a glance.
Betty decided to leave, but just at that mo
A voice in her ear said - "Hello, I'm Joe"
Betty decided to leave, but just a mo
A voice in her ear said- 'Hello, I'm Jo'
He was tall with blue eyes. Her heart missed a beat
Betty decided to leave, but just a mo
A voice in her ear said- 'Hello, I'm Jo'
He was tall with blue eyes. Her heart missed a beat
Better looking even than Pete
"Please have you seen Trish for she is my beaux?"
Poor Betty was left in despair 💔
Poor Betty was left in despair
Why did she bother to dye her hair!
It was a vibrant red with off white streaks
Poor Betty was left in despair
Why did she bother to dye her hair!
It was a vibrant red with off white streaks
Desperate to get someone between her sheets
Poor Betty was left in despair
Why did she bother to dye her hair!
It was a vibrant red with off white streaks
Desperate to get someone between her sheets
Or entice them into her lair.
I think I heard thunder rumbling afar
I think I heard thunder rumbling afar ⛈
That's it! I'm off to the bar! 🍷
I think I heard thunder rumbling afar ⛈
That's it! I'm off to the bar! 🍷
A beer and some Chips
Add another pound on my hips
I think I heard thunder rumbling afar ⛈
That's it! I'm off to the bar! 🍷
A beer and some Chips
Add another pound on my hips
I hope I can get back in my car :shocked:
I haven't seen the promised rain
I'll have to get the hosepipe out again
Before my plants and flowers die
I haven't seen the promised rain
I'll have to get the hosepipe out again
Before my plants and flowers die
No wonder my water bill's so high
I haven't seen the promised rain
I'll have to get the hosepipe out again
Before my plants and flowers die
No wonder my water bill's so high
This heat's driving me insane.
Tomorrow's Sunday, a day of rest
Tomorrow's Sunday, a day of rest
When Rab slobs about in his string vest
Most of the rest are just the same
Apart from when he has to claim
Tomorrow's Sunday, a day of rest
When Rab slobs about in his string vest
Most of the rest are just the same
Apart from when he has to claim
And dresses in his Sunday best.
*************
The ice cream van will be round later
A cornet, or a tub and wafer?
A ninety nine with chocolate flake
The ice cream van will be round later
A cornet, or a tub and wafer?
A ninety nine with chocolate flake
And a little sprinkles shake
The ice cream van will be round later
A cornet, or a tub and wafer?
A ninety nine with chocolate flake
And a little sprinkles shake
For the likes of all, he will cater.
At last we can breathe, its cooler today
At last we can breathe, its cooler today
Tomorrow cold enough for Santa's sleigh
That's it folks our summer's over
The power men will be in clover
For snow and ice they're sure to pray
Ah! wait that forecast was in error
That Michael Fish - Oh what a terror
Ah! wait that forecast was in error
That Michael Fish - Oh what a terror
He made a right boo boo 👎
Ah! wait that forecast was in error
That Michael Fish-Oh what a terror
He made a right boo boo
Which caused a big 'To-do'
Ah! wait that forecast was in error
That Michael Fish-Oh what a terror
He made a right boo boo
Which caused a big 'To-do'
Which proves we can not believe a fella
Poor old Michael can't live it down
Nearly 50 years on we still remember the clown
Poor old Michael can't live it down
More than 50 years on we still remember the clown
He said 'No wind today' Don't panic out there
It took away my trampoline, roof and a big garden chair
Poor old Michael can't live it down
More than 50 years on we still remember the clown
He said 'No wind today' Don't panic out there
It took away my trampoline, roof and a big garden chair
And several chimneys in a nearby town!
************
Now we have the internet
We can see when it might be wet
Now we have the internet
We can see when it might be wet
An app for where the bombs might land
Plus where to shelter - costs a grand
Now we have the internet
We can see when it might be wet
An app for where the bombs might land
Plus where to shelter - costs a grand
And wait a bit - we've seen nothing yet.
People were giggling at Danny's hair
Some even stopped to stare
People were giggling at Danny's hair
Some even stopped to stare
A six inch Mohican orange and green
People were giggling at Danny's hair
Some even stopped to stare
A six inch Mohican orange and green
The likes of which they'd never seen
Danny stared back, and went off to the fair.
He first had a go at the coconut shy
He first had a go at a coconut shy
Six balls for a quid, he gave it a try
He didn't hit one, he had no skill
He first had a go at a coconut shy
Six balls for a quid, he gave it a try
He didn't hit one, he had no skill
But he had a laugh, and thought it brill
He first had a go at the coconut shy
Six balls for a quid, he gave it a try
He didn't hit one, he had no skill
But he had a laugh and thought it brill
Danny didn't care.. he was a fun guy
Dan had some mushrooms for his lunch
Funny taste with a bit of a crunch
Dan had some mushrooms for his lunch
Funny taste with a bit of a crunch
Then he felt weird
Dan had some mushrooms for his lunch
Funny taste with a bit of a crunch
Then he felt weird
It was as he feared
A snail had crawled into the bunch
Vi was having a tummy tuck to make her look thin
She had saved for 20 years in a Cadbury's biscuit tin
Vi was having a tummy tuck to make her look thin
She had saved for 20 years in a Cadbury's biscuit tin
Coming round from surgery Vi was feeling glum
She wished she'd had enough dosh for a brand new bum
Vi was having a tummy tuck to make her look thin
She had saved for 20 years in a Cadbury's biscuit tin
Coming round from surgery Vi was feeling glum
She wished she'd had enough dosh for a brand new bum
She would save a bit more if she layed off the Gin.
'Twas a hot stuffy night in June
'Twas a hot stuffy night in June
Maggie stared at the moon
She couldn't sleep
It almost made her weep
It would be time to get up soon
Brian had a bad day today
Nothing had gone his way
Brian had a bad day today
Nothing had gone his way
Nobody arrived for his 4am run
He'd bought donuts and a currant bun
And it wasn't even his turn to pay
There was a young man from Gravesend
There was a young man from Gravesend
With an overweight sloppy girlfriend
There was a young man from Gravesend
With an overweight sloppy girlfriend
He showed her the door 🚪
There was a young man from Gravesend
With an overweight sloppy girlfriend
He showed her the door 🚪
And told her the score
There was a young man from Gravesend
With an overweight sloppy girlfriend
He showed her the door
And told her the score
That's the last he saw of her rear end
Now he's looking out for a new belle 👸
Now he's looking out for a new belle
Blonde, blue eyes and slim as well
Now he's looking out for a new belle
Blonde, blue eyes and slim as well
Six months on and still no luck
Now he's looking out for a new belle
Blonde, blue eyes and slim as well
Six months on and still no luck
He keeps his eyes skinned as he drives his truck 🚚
Now he's looking out for a new belle
Blonde ,blue eyes and slim as well
Six months on and still no luck
He keeps his eyes skinned as he drives his truck
Looked away from the road into a ditch the truck fell
Fred snored so loud at his place
Nora put her pillow over his face
Fred snored so loud at his place
Nora put her pillow over his face
Fed fell silent, even his breath
Fred snored so loud at his place
Nora put her pillow over his face
Fred fell silent ,even his breath
Nora's in the clink, over his death
Fred snored so loud at his place
Nora put her pillow over his face
Fred fell silent ,even his breath
Nora's in the clink, over his death
Hoping her barrister can pull out an ace
Nora is pleading self defence
She is feeling rather tense
Nora's pleading self defence
She is feeling rather tense
She might say she's not right in the head
And forgot that Fred was laying in her bed
Nora's pleading self defence
She is feeling rather tense
She might say she's not right in the head
And forgot that Fred was laying in her bed
She wished she had run, and jumped over the fence.
Stan was sunbathing outside in just a vest
'I dare you' said Mabel in jest
Stan was sunbathing outside in just a vest
'I dare you said Mabel' in jest
He stayed in the sun to prove he wasn't a wimp
But for the next two weeks he walked with a limp
Stan was sunbathing outside in just a vest
'I dare you said Mabel' in jest
He stayed in the sun to prove he wasn't a wimp
But for the next two weeks he walked with a limp
But his suntan was surely the best.
Freddie was known in Southend
For his string of admirers no end
Freddie was known in Southend
For his string of admirers no end
There was Peggy, Alice and Joy
And rumours of someone named Roy
Freddie was known in Southend
For his string of admirers no end
There was Peggy, Alice and Joy
And rumours of someone named Roy
If he fancied following a trend.
***********
An elderly woman named Jean
Fancied herself as a dancing queen
An elderly woman named Jean
Fancied herself as a dancing queen
She writhed and she wriggled
And everyone giggled
An elderly woman named Jean
Fancied herself as a dancing queen
She writhed and she wriggled
And everyone giggled
She was at a disco for teens
***********
Kenny was a handsome dude
He liked to sunbathe in the nude
Kenny was a handsome dude
He liked to sunbathe in the nude
Not sure where he got the notion
But one day he left out sun lotion
His meat and two veg got badly stewed
Wearing shorts gave him great pain
Wearing shorts gave him great pain
He vowed never to do that again
Wearing shorts gave him great pain
He vowed never to do that again
But the sun came out and Kenny did too
people were saying 'Phew'! 'Phew'!
And Kenny fried ,along with his brain
Kenny's funeral was a jolly affair
All his pal's from the club were there
Kenny's funeral was a jolly affair
All his pal's from the club were there
They all drank a toast
To their missing host
Kenny's funeral was a jolly affair
All his pals from the club were there
They all drank a toast
To their missing host
And then they all got drunk and stripped bare!