I feel as it's the middle of summer, we should have a thread of Christmas cracker jokes and mottos. I'll start.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Humphrey
One snowman asked the other
Can you smell carrots?
What would you do if you found half a crown?
Look for the other half.
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar. (A jar)
What's got six legs and flies?
Three pair of trousers.
What goes up the chimney down but not down the chimney up?
An umbrella.
What was the snowman doing in the vegetable patch.?
Picking his nose.
What did the man say to the shark?
You scratch my back, and I'll scratch jaws.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
What do you call a deaf policeman?
Call him what you like, he can't hear you.
August 20, 2022, 11:29:23 AM
What is the cure for water on the knee?
A tap on the head.
How will Brexit affect Christmas Dinner. ?
No Brussels.
What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on ahead while I give these two a lift.
What's the difference between a lighthouse and a houseboat?
A lighthouse is heavier.
Bloody hell we usually get Halloween and fireworks before the crackers are on special. Must be putting them on the shelves before the leccy bills come out. Despite the lowered cap they are still double last year.
You may wish to stockpile them.
September 10, 2022, 11:32:18 AM
What's the difference between St. George and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?
One slays a dragon, the other one drags a sleigh.
I can't. The house is still full of toilet paper.
What do Priest and Christmas trees have in common. ?
Their balls are just ornamental.
What has two legs and flies?
A wino.
I used to punch cattle until they started punching back.
A cowpoke? I wondered where that term came from.
Maybe from an udder place.
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt
What do Santa's little helpers learn at school. ?
The Elf-abet.
What did the clock say to the photograph?
Tick tock
"Hello! Hello! Can I speak with your wife?"
"I'm sorry, she's abroad"
"I know that! Put her on..."
What's at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?
A nervous wreck!
what goes 98, 99, bonk?
A centipede with a wooden leg
What does Santa do if he gets stuck in a shop chimney?
Waits for a fall in the market.
Chinese proverb:
There are no flies on man who douses himself in Flit.
Man in the pub asked if I am a comedian.
I said "That's a funny thing to ask".
Why didn't Shakespeare go to the pub?
Because he was bard.
On form today Ashy :yay:
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What was the snowman doing in the vegetable patch?
Picking his nose!
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What did the shoe say to the other shoe.?
You're bootiful.. fancy going for a walk.?
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Why did the restaurant take dolphin steaks off the menu?
Because they didn't serve any porpoise.
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In my sig as I read this...
A good pun is its own reword
That's not an anagram.
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My 13-year-old daughter smells like fish. How do I confront her?
Plaice her on some scales and carp on at her. Let minnow how it goes.
My son smashed a mirror and took a part of it, then he ate it. Is there any advice?
Sit him down and ask him to reflect on what he's done.
Back in the day I used to polish my shoes and then sit down to reflect.
A fly met a flea in a flue.
Said the flea to the fly "Let us flee".
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
If you get up on a donkey, where do you get down?
Off a duck.
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There are none so blind as Venetians.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
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If you want to wake up with a smile on your face,
go to bed with a coat hanger in your mouth.
What do you get if you cross a motorway with a limp?
Run over.
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(https://gallery.digitalham.co.uk/images/cracker.png)
First tailor: How do you make a pair of suit trousers last?
Second tailor: Make the jacket first.
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What do you call an old snowman?
Water. 🥶
Phoned the toyshop, asked if they had the game Operation.
They said they did, but there's a three year waiting list. 😉
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Why don't matches work anymore?
Because they're all on strike.
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Why did the corpse wear a watch?
To be dead on time.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you.
But if you donate five kidneys , they call the police.
I've shortened the rope on the bucket they use to collect water in the local village...
That didn't go down well.
What do you call a man who can't sleep?
Awake.
What flies and wobbles?
A jellycopter
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I've just discovered that yet again someone has added soil to my allotment.
The plot thickens.
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Light travels faster than sound.. Which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.
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Quote from: Scrumpy on March 18, 2024, 11:05:56 AMLight travels faster than sound.. Which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.
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Why did HG Wells set War of the Worlds in England not the USA?
Because when the Martians landed they wanted to meet intelligent life forms.
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Quote from: klondike on March 28, 2024, 07:02:33 PMWhy did HG Wells set War of the Worlds in England not the USA?
Because when the Martians landed they wanted to meet intelligent life forms.
Well, it's to be hoped that the Martians don't turn up in England today, as I think they'll be disappointed!
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I was at the library the other day, when I came across a book on pig anatomy and decided to give it a read.
To be honest, it was quite boaring until I got to the end...then there was a twist in the tail.
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Just my luck....I had to go to the hospital this morning.
I was at the supermarket yesterday when a whole shelf of toilet rolls fell on me.
Fortunately the doctor reckons I may only have soft-tissue damage.
Thank goodness, it could have been much worse. San Izal for example.
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