A Ripping Yarn.

[Scrumpy]

I've escaped from the home.. 
I can't do any talking parts.. No teeth..

[dextrous63]

Could you chomp on my feet, à la reflexology?  They're killing me after my daily workout jogging in my vat of grapes.  Hard work, but as well as helping to make wine, the acid in the grape juice is great for treating my verrucas.

[Vlad]

I am getting seriously worried about the mental capacity of some of my star players 

[klondike]

All fixed. It was broken in four places. They were busy with some bloke who had somehow got a lightbulb stuck up his bum so I did the job myself. Couldn't use anesthetic as I was pinning it myself but I've taken a couple of paracetamol now and I'm all good to go. Just in time for my appointment at Specsavers.