Village News

[Michael Rolls]

        

[Scrumpy]

The local jewelers was broken into last night and the burglar stole many expensive items.. A suspect who was spotted at the scene carrying a ladder was free to go after he informed the police that he was a window cleaner doing the night shift..
The police have apologized saying that nobody had thought to look in his bucket.

[Michael Rolls]

    

[klondike]

An enormous hole has appeared in High Street. The council are looking into it.

[Scrumpy]

The council have spotted many people in the hole.. and have asked  all missing persons to 'Please step up and identify themselves '..

[Alex]

High Street Spas Limited have been denied permission to convert the hole into a hot tub.

[Scrumpy]

... even though Dolly and Eric from the newsagents turned up in their smalls and a bottle of bubbles from the Co-op...

[Scrumpy]

                   *** ANNOUNCEMENT***

We are very sad to announce the death of our local Mayor.. Jack Pearce.
He died suddenly in his bed on Saturday night.
He was wearing the chains of office right up until the end.. To keep them safe he had wound them tightly around his wrists.. 
 

[Scrumpy]

Latest news.. Police think there may be another party involved in the sudden death of Jack Pearce who died of a heart attack on Saturday..
 Miss Mabel Goodenough the church organist is not a suspect.. The scratch marks that suddenly appeared on her legs.. arms.. and neck was caused by her pruning a rose bush..

[klondike]

Boris denies all knowledge of the party

[dextrous63]

I'm particularly impressed by just how security minded Jack was.  He had not only tied one end of the chains of office round his wrist, but had secured the other end to the metal frame headboard to make sure nobody stole his bed as well.  For double measure, he'd used handcuffs to secure the other end of the bed to his ankles, and several torture items were found in the near vicinity as added disincentives for any potential burglars.

Publicly minded to the end.  What a man!

[Alex]

With regret, Miss Mabel Goodenough has postponed Friday's talk in the Scout Hut on "Getting to know your Organ" as a sign of respect to the late Mayor.

[dextrous63]

The way that the Mayor managed to use the girl guides to clean his organ pipes out was amazing.

I think he got the idea from watching Schindler's List.

[Weapons Grade]

                                                               
A man identified as Osama Bin Pimping was arrested by police this morning after shoppers saw a man acting suspiciously. In his possesion police found a bulky package with wires sticking out.
 
Mr. Bin Pimping an Saudi national travelling on a Pakistani passport from Afghanistan told police he was a scientist studying the big bang theory and told police the package was an Afghani plant pot he was taking to relatives. He told police he was a Seventh Day Adventist. He said, "I'm not even a Muslim and I know nothing about a Mr. Mohammad, peace be upon him. It's racist to suggest an Afghan plant pot looks suspicious."

[GrannyMac]

There was a fire a the model village today.  Onlookers said the flames could be seen from three feet away.