The Town Crier has procaimed that once again there shall be Village News. Please if you hear anything official or even just scurrilous gossip please contribute.
Ashy started this in t'other place but he seems to have pretty much gone AWOL there and as a consequence never got an invite here. An absent friend and will be sorely missed as the news he picked up was very enjoyable. I don't have a good ear for this but I'm hoping you lot do.
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To kick this off. Please do better. Please.
While dredging through the Village News flyers from yesteryear I came across this report. The date was smudged but I'd guess at sometime in the 50's -
There has been a break in at the local police station. All the toilets have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
police denied Ali Barber permission to open a corner shop in the middle of the round-about, Ali says the council sold him the property at a snip...
Rumours that the vicar is to be defrocked are false.
All that happened is he got chucked out of The Slug and Lettuce while wearing one last Saturday night.
Someone broke into the Village Police Station last night and stole all the toilet bowls, the Police have nothing to go on at the moment
What again?
I wonder if it is the same offender that dug the big hole in the village green which Constable Napweed is looking into.
Betty Jones came over all wobbly when a man exposed himself to her up Breakers Alley on Friday.. When asked what he looked like all she could remember was that he was well built ..
Quote from: klondike on January 04, 2022, 01:43:44 PM
What again?
I wonder if it is the same offender that dug the big hole in the village green which Constable Napweed is looking into.
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It a chain of offences right across the county, CID are trying to flush them out which is a huge drain on resources :wink:
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Cab for Walter please Landlord :smiley:
A man was arrested in connection with the Betty Jones indecent exposure along Brokers Alley on Friday..
He was released after police inspected the evidence.. He did not fit the description given by Miss Jones of being well built..
To safe any embarrassment his name is being withheld.
Betty was so startled it seems she accidentally took a snap of the man with her phone. This is now on her Facebook account in case anybody should recognise him. Unfortunaetly his face is not in shot.
when the vicar pointed out to old mother reilley the church cleaner that the vestry hadnt been dusted she replied, you told us 'man is born of fdust and to dust he will return' so i didnt want to disturb it in case it was your friends.. :smug:
[2090] [2090]
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the village council have put a notice up on the roadside at Squirrel Wood, warning
Red Squirrels drive slowly
pat said to mick "back in the ould country they cant drive at all"
postmaster McQurk declared ; From Monday all postmen will work from home...
they will read all your mail and phone you if its anything important :rolleyes:
... any hospital appointments will be put in a Lucky Dip bin (On loan from the Conservative Club) and a blindfolded postie will dip his hand in.. and pick out ONE every fortnight .
Doctor Foster phoned the Village Herald from the Bahamas to say he was disappointed with all the critcism of hardworking GPs. He has been making an in depth study on the effects of alcohol and golf on the transmissability of covid. He expects his researches to be complete early to late 2025 or maybe 2026. Meanwhile would his patients please continue to use 111 and A&E.
... and he kindly donated some of his unused waiting room chairs to the old folks home .. and some to a bus stop in Vicarage Lane ( No longer on bus route) where workmen forgot to to take the stop sign down..
Doctor Watson Does two Zoon meetings a day,
the club captain gave him permission to use the rest hut behind the ninth green...
Doctor Spielmeister has issued an urgent request. Does anybody have any 30 minute tapes for an answering machine as his 15 minute one is not long enough. To avoid confusion this is the outgoing message tape not the incoming messages tape as that never gets used.
On New Day Molly Prat celebrated with a drink at being NEXT IN LINE after holding the line since December...She missed Christmas with her family because she was only number 6..
Watch for sale for lady with large multi coloured face and luminous hands. Apply within.
Which face?
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Breaking:
A local councillor was rushed to the cottage hospital this afternoon after the health and safety notice board that he was hanging, fell on the cord of his drill, pulling his step ladder over. Cllr James Pallett, 32, fell on the drill, causing it to break. He suffered a broken collar bone, broken ribs, electrical burns and a 5/16" hole. His condition is said to be satisfactory.
Earlier today, my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down, and cleaned thoroughly. Tomorrow, I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom.
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Nice one :grin: :grin: :grin:
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The local jewelers was broken into last night and the burglar stole many expensive items.. A suspect who was spotted at the scene carrying a ladder was free to go after he informed the police that he was a window cleaner doing the night shift..
The police have apologized saying that nobody had thought to look in his bucket.
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An enormous hole has appeared in High Street. The council are looking into it.
The council have spotted many people in the hole.. and have asked all missing persons to 'Please step up and identify themselves '..
High Street Spas Limited have been denied permission to convert the hole into a hot tub.
... even though Dolly and Eric from the newsagents turned up in their smalls and a bottle of bubbles from the Co-op...
*** ANNOUNCEMENT***
We are very sad to announce the death of our local Mayor.. Jack Pearce.
He died suddenly in his bed on Saturday night.
He was wearing the chains of office right up until the end.. To keep them safe he had wound them tightly around his wrists..
Latest news.. Police think there may be another party involved in the sudden death of Jack Pearce who died of a heart attack on Saturday..
Miss Mabel Goodenough the church organist is not a suspect.. The scratch marks that suddenly appeared on her legs.. arms.. and neck was caused by her pruning a rose bush..
Boris denies all knowledge of the party
I'm particularly impressed by just how security minded Jack was. He had not only tied one end of the chains of office round his wrist, but had secured the other end to the metal frame headboard to make sure nobody stole his bed as well. For double measure, he'd used handcuffs to secure the other end of the bed to his ankles, and several torture items were found in the near vicinity as added disincentives for any potential burglars.
Publicly minded to the end. What a man!
With regret, Miss Mabel Goodenough has postponed Friday's talk in the Scout Hut on "Getting to know your Organ" as a sign of respect to the late Mayor.
The way that the Mayor managed to use the girl guides to clean his organ pipes out was amazing.
I think he got the idea from watching Schindler's List.
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A man identified as Osama Bin Pimping was arrested by police this morning after shoppers saw a man acting suspiciously. In his possesion police found a bulky package with wires sticking out.
Mr. Bin Pimping an Saudi national travelling on a Pakistani passport from Afghanistan told police he was a scientist studying the big bang theory and told police the package was an Afghani plant pot he was taking to relatives. He told police he was a Seventh Day Adventist. He said, "I'm not even a Muslim and I know nothing about a Mr. Mohammad, peace be upon him. It's racist to suggest an Afghan plant pot looks suspicious."
There was a fire a the model village today. Onlookers said the flames could be seen from three feet away.
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Quote from: GrannyMac on September 15, 2023, 06:04:35 AMThere was a fire a the model village today. Onlookers said the flames could be seen from three feet away.
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Worry not...
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It was allegedly started by a cockney electrician who incorrectly installed a smart meter.
So the Met met to investigate the metre diameter meter explosion.
September 15, 2023, 09:13:45 AMQuote from: klondike on September 15, 2023, 09:09:59 AMWorry not...
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Ah, the new LBGQTUVWXYZ brigade.😬
Quote from: GrannyMac on September 15, 2023, 06:04:35 AMThere was a fire a the model village today. Onlookers said the flames could be seen from three feet away.
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September 15, 2023, 10:40:06 AMPeckham Women's Institute has declined the offer from the Village WI to take part in their autumn Sale of Work.
VILLAGE SELF IMPROVEMENT CLUB NEWS
Tonight's lecture at the Village Hall entitled "How to Organise Your Life for Better Efficiency" has been cancelled, as the speaker, Mr Dacopopolous, found he was double-booked. This is a double blow after the booked speaker forgot to come last week to deliver the lecture on "How to Turbocharge Your Memory".
Next week's lecture on "Improve Your Mathematics" is expected to go ahead without problems.
VILLAGE SCOUT HUT NOTICE
The Annual General Meeting of the Village Psychic and Fortune Tellers Association has been postponed, due to unforeseen circumstances.
This is one of my favourite threads.. It will do my head in all day trying to think of something..
I never can
Village Electrical Store is looking for a driver to deliver washing machines.
Must have clean licence.
the dyslectic dancing club is looking for an instructor - most heva tow telf teef
The fire brigade was called to the Village Zoo this morning, to rescue the giraffe which had got his head stuck up a tree.
The animal's keeper, Lisa Flatt, said "He got it in and wiggled it about, but he couldn't get it out again, we had to send for the fire brigade".
Chief Fire Officer Walter Squirt, said "It makes a change from cats I suppose."
Quote from: Michael Rolls on December 01, 2023, 09:56:52 AMthe dyslectic dancing club is looking for an instructor - most heva tow telf teef
You did think of one Mike! 😄
It is regret that Saturdays Christmas Bingo has been cancelled . The vicar's balls have been missing for the last three days. The last person to handle them was Miss Broom the Church organist..
If anyone has any spare balls please contact the verger.
VILLAGE SCOUT HUT NOTICE
The Claimants' Union's Annual Sale of Work has been cancelled again due to the fact that they haven't done any.
:busted:😄😄
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Village News.
A big thank you to the man who checks that our vehicles are safely locked..
He waits until dark and ,in all weathers, he does the checks.
He is a Good Samaritan.. but incredibly shy.. He always covers his face..
God Bless him..
Ah he's needed for sure. I remember I had all my wheels stolen so I asked him if he had any advice. He had some wheels with tyres that fitted my car in his garage. Sorted. He gave me a good discount too.
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CHURCH NEWS
The vicar of the Village Church said that Christmas is a joyous time, but this year he will devote some of the Christmas service to remembering young homeless Bennie Spline, who died last year at the age of only 28, and remembering his last words, which were "Get this flaming bus off me".
Church News
And let's remember Annie Prat who's calling was to comfort others.
She was available anytime day and night to comfort those in desperate need.
A freak accident occurred when she was squashed under the body of
Dickie Upjohn in his bed.. It is believed that Annie was trying to turn Dickie over in his bed.
The Village doctor has complained that he is losing patients.
And the Undertakers has complained that nobody has been in for a few days.
I've just had an email from our recently widowed nymphomaniac, Lucy Drawers. She said that she needs some proper stuffing for Christmas.
As does her two friends, Lucy Lastic and Julie Grateful.
Quote from: 1955vintage on December 22, 2023, 09:44:03 AMAs does her two friends, Lucy Lastic and Julie Grateful.
The last time those three got together, the house shook so badly that I thought that the old mine shafts had started to collapse.
Village news.
Meat and Greet butcher Barry D. Hatchet is offering to stuff birds for free this Christmas..
Lucy Drawers was one of the first to put her name forward.
Following complaints from members of the Celebate Spinsters Society, the undertaker Mr Doug N Digger has agreed to change his mission statement and no longer include the catchphrase "Get those Stiffies in the Holes".
Quote from: Scrumpy on December 22, 2023, 02:31:18 PMBarry D. Hatchet
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December 22, 2023, 07:03:48 PMThe parish council has, at last, formed a committee to deal with the water leaks in the vestry toilet, and the Vicar has agreed to sit on it.
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The Village council has made new regulations requiring rubbish bags to be placed at the kerbside, and the mayor has agreed to carry them out.
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Unfortunately The Nativity play has to be cancelled this year.
Miss Fanny Truelove , our Virgin, is no longer so..
A replacement is proving hard to find. at such short notice..
😬😬😬😬
In addition to the above, Fred Smith, the milkman who was to play Joseph has done a runner, fearing he'll be blamed for Fanny's unavailability.
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